Lipstick Notch

Dear Aunt B,

hi my name is Ashley. i have been with my husband for nine years. lately he has shown a great interest in pornography featuring black girls with big butts. he also dated women fitting that description while we were separated. i am the complete opposite of that. i am a white petite female. our sex life has diminished. he isnt showing much interest in me. i don't know what to do or what to think. most guys go gaga over me i don't understand why my husband does not anymore.

Dear Ashley,

Unfortunately, this is happening all across America. Due to the prevalence and easier access to Porn via the Internet, I personally believe that our men may be falling into the trap of "Desensitization."
I really feel for you and realize just how important it is for us to be the object of our mans desires. It hurts deeply when we find out that we may not be all that in his eyes. But if every woman in America, especially the wives could actually read our husbands minds, well suffice it to say, we'd be scarred for life, appalled as well as grief stricken.

Men are hard wired differently than we are and are actually in a constant state of warfare as to putting off their desires, not acting upon them and keeping themselves in check. Even the greatest of men have fallen especially when they have some little floozy throwing her junk in his face on the daily. It happens at work, it happens at the bars, it happens when we, as well as they, least expect it.

There's nothing funny about it but it's hard not to laugh when you realize that if you ask the average man about his will to sustain, you know to not fool around on his wife or girlfriend, he'll often feel that he deserves Kudos for his good behavior. I mean after all, he fights it off every day and in a funny sort of way, he does deserve a cookie.

Yes, these days our morals are going to hell in a hand basket and there are girls, not women out there that'd just love to bed Your man down. They see the wedding ring and observe it as a challenge. Just for shits-n-giggles they'll want your husband as another Lipstick Notch on their bed post.

So, what's a girl to do? Well, for starters you must be aware of his needs, not in a subservient way but in an understanding of how he's wired with a mutual willingness to please. As I've mentioned in previous posts you want to keep his attention as well as keep him shopping at "your store."

You'll want to jazz it up, for one thing. It's like this; Marriage and when I speak of marriage I do firmly believe that if you are living together as well as sleeping together in the "Marriage Bed" you are simply lacking a piece of paper that validates it in the eyes of the Law. That simplified, the marriage bed is a partnership, a two to Tango situation and a thing to be cherished and more importantly worked at. It must be cultivated and nurtured if we want it to grow. It must be seen in all seriousness and never taken for granted, our first and foremost downfall.

Flip The Script

My suggestion to you is one where you need to step up to the plate and bat. You need to take charge and begin to fight for your man. This is not "I am woman hear me Roar" speech but I do want you to begin to be less a victim. Begin with a more blitzkrieg approach;

You must state your needs, asserting your likes and dislikes, what you will as well as will not stand for. For starters, you'll have to put the shoe on the other foot...

He will look funny in your high heels, hahaha, but you'll have to put things in terms he'll understand. For one thing, you should ask him if he would be bothered if you were watching other men, porn to be exact? Give him the scenario that how would he feel if he came home, looked at the History on your computer and saw that you were watching men with huge cocks? Yea, I said it! Many men, even if they are well endowed are intimidated by other men and their package if it's bigger than theirs. Ask him how he would feel if he saw that every few days you were watching this sort of thing and not just for a few minutes but for long periods of time. Would it not bother him? Would it not make him feel inadequate? Would he possibly wonder that there's a chance that you were not satisfied with his manhood?

If he says that all that does not bother him, I'll call him a damn liar!!! The point is that that exact scenario is how you feel when he looks at the sort of things he's been looking at. You are not black nor do you have a big booty so how could you ever measure up to his specifications?

All this Porn watching does not mean that he does not love you. What it does mean though, carries the implication that he does, possibly take you for granted and is not doing his part in the cultivation of your marriage? At the same time as I stated before, you've got to work at tripping his trigger. This may be a stinging indictment for both of you?

My Advice would be to sit down and get it all out lest you explode with resentment. Furthermore, I also suggest that you engage him in the understanding, a meeting of the minds that his behavior is hurtful and makes you feel like shit, less than and not capable to measure up.

The Solution

It would be rather kind of him to agree to limit his "Porn Time" just for starters. You'll never get anywhere if you demand it and he'll just begin to get sneaky about it. Putting that shoe on his foot, as I stated may make him understand that it is extremely hurtful to you as well as desensitizing to him. He may not realize it but men who watch really XXX porn, you know the down and dirty stuff have a harder time getting aroused unless they are, themselves engaged in dirty dirty stuff.

So, he'd be doing himself and of course you a favor if he saved himself for you, watched less porn and masturbated less. Yes, normally the two go hand in hand, no pun intended!

Working on your marriage bed action has got to be Priority One. I also suggest that you invest in a vibrator and use it with him in your foreplay. If you need to know why I suggest this, I welcome you or anyone else to write me and I'll be more than happy to communicate why I feel this is important.

Don't be shy!!!You'd be surprised!!!

Email Babz
Keeping It Real,

Aunt B


Further Suggested Reading;

Sexual Healing

Have A Question??? Nothing Is Taboo!!!

Re-Visiting; "Remember; You're Doing Nothing Wrong..."

Editor's Notation; I received the following comment via email about a post from Wednesday, January 23, 2008. The question was answered by our Chief Resident Society Member, "Xmichra" as well as MPJ, our guest adviser from
A Room of Mama's Own

The post generated many comments and the buzz is still going, evidently, since we have in the past and are still receiving comments, etc. Certainly controversial, we'd love to know how you feel about it. We will publish your comment as well. Write to askauntb@gmail.com

Date: 2/5/2009 1:10:19 PM

To: mzbabz@comcast.net

Subject: [~Free Advice; Ask Aunt B~] New comment on Remember; You're Doing Nothing Wrong.....

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Remember; You're Doing Nothing Wrong...":


I'd like to clarify that I do not believe that porn is "evil" or "wrong." I am open to watching it with him, it just makes me feel like sh*t when he does it behind my back and lies about it if I catch him. I'm not TRYING to catch my husband masturbating to porn, believe me; it just causes World War III and I'm sick of trying to validate my feelings to him on the subject. What bothers me the most is that our sex life has been slacking in quantity and quality for over a year now, and any time I try to initiate something different, new positions, etc. I get shot down...and the things that I've been wanting to do since we got married are things that he watches online but STILL has never done with me. Yes, I am jealous of the porn itself because he would rather watch strangers do these things than do them with me. My body has not changed, I look exactly the same as I did the day we met. He is not like other guys I dated before, that's why I married him... but at the same time, there is no possible way to win an argument with him because he deals with EVERYTHING with ultimatums. It's his way or no way, and I'm almost ready to give up.



Posted by Anonymous to ~Free Advice; Ask Aunt B~ at February 05, 2009




Dear Depressed & Hurt Wife, I have to admit, after reading the comments again from your original post, I got a little worried about the conversation you had with your husband. There were a lot of opinions there, and a few *I* would have questioned the motive behind, had it been me being talked to. I am glad you got back to us, I can see that this is a major issue, it was a year ago you wrote into us in the first place. I think what you are feeling is completely rational, I would be jealous as well (and I *do* look different from when we first met!). But there are a few things I would ask... What you are doing (initiating) isn’t a bad thing at all, and wanting to have sex isn’t bad either. Maybe your husband has a lower sex drive than you (hard to imagine with the watching of porn, but some people watch porn and masturbate in the hopes of becoming better in bed, and excited more for their partner.). I am not sure. And I am no expert. I want to also say, that there are things in fantasy world that we, in our normal regular lives, fantasize about but do not want to do. Sounds crazy right? What is the point of fantasy if there is no chance for realism? The point (for some) is to find their boundaries, and their comfort zones. Maybe some of the things he is watching he wants to see, and maybe one day do, but isn’t comfortable yet to do it. You said you can’t win an argument with him... have you been able to talk to him without an argument taking place? Sex is very personal, we all know this. But for some people there are a lot of other issues and taboos that go with having sex that they become really defensive and argumentative. So if you haven’t been able to have an open dialogue conversation without arguing, this is a sign that you definitely need a third party (like a relationship councilor, or sex therapist) to help mediate. I understand that you are frustrated and there may be hesitance to seek professional help, but honestly if you do not do this... I am afraid that you two will either be lonely in a resentful marriage, or divorced. This isn’t a small issue, and I hope you do get the resolve required to satisfy not only your sex life, but the feelings of hurt. If you need help finding someone in your area, please write back and we will try to help you, completely confidential. ~Xmichra.

What's Good For The Goose Is Good For The Gander

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt B,

I have been married for 14 yrs. I have a daughter that is 2 1/2 yrs old and I am 8 months pregnant. I caught my husband on the internet looking at porn sites and it totally devastated me. I dont understand what you can get out of looking at pictures. This made me feel real insecure, I feel like is that what he wants because I sure dont look like those girls on the site. And if that is what he wanted why did he marry me? I asked him why and he just says he doesnt know why he did it. He says he'll never do it again, But it isnt the first time this has happened and I dont know how to deal with it, It has really put me in a depression. Everytime I see I pretty girl I hate her, I feel like she is ruining my marriage even though I know she isnt and I hate feeling this way. Please Help me....

Confused

Dear Confused,

You're not alone, when it comes to your man looking at porn, just to let you know. A lot of men/husbands look and watch. I was and felt the same way. As well, I do believe there's a larger group of us, who just don't care for our men looking/ogling at porn.

Recently, I had a friend who's husband went to a Strip Club with all his buddies. She was 8 months pregnant and I'm sure you can relate to all that she told me, as to how she felt. I spoke with her at length, to get to the bottom of it all.

For starters, when we are pregnant, we don't often feel that glow, people say we have. You get to a point, where you feel more like a beached whale, than a woman having a baby. You're already feeling vulnerable, concerning your own appearance. You get to a point where you no longer feel sexy, much less desirable. So, how can you compete with those young girls with their perky breasts and high -n- tight tiny hiney? You begin to view those girls that dress rather teasingly as your own demise, a threat, those little sluts, huh? Well, again, you are not alone.

Even those of us, who aren't pregnant, feel the sting of the scantily clad. Those girls are not representative of what's real, you know the ones in the magazines and porns. The girls in the porno mags are airbrushed, as well, in the movies, they can digitally make them next to perfect. No one can compete with that. No one.

It's a double edged sword, this so called equality, we have as women. We fought for all the wrong things, we really did and in this sexual revolution, ushered in, in the 70's, we've gone from bad to worse. Why do I say this?

In an age where women are getting all this plastic surgery, it puts undue pressure on those of us, that are, "a la natural." Once again, we can't compete with that which is fake.Unfortunately, this mind set and behavior will continue, until we, as women change it. I don't see it happening, anytime soon. But what can you do about you?

I think hubby needs a little dose of perspective. He needs to understand how it feels, to be in your shoes. I assume you two, planned this child together? It takes two to Tango, does it not? He must pull his weight, in every way possible. But in order for you to get this from him, you must take away any resentment.

I've always said, "Men are just boys in big clothing." Now, I am not a feminist and it's never been, "I am woman, hear me roar," either. But men and women are different and quite often, it comes down to making your man understand, just what's what. I won't call it training but coaxing. Your hubby needs to be coaxed to do right by you.

They sell porn, it's on the Internet, it's just about everywhere you turn. There is a demand for it, or they'd gone out of business, a long time ago, right? So hubby sees that all the other guys are looking, why can't he? I'll bet he's thinking this, right now. He needs perspective, coaxing so he can let go of that resentment. Yes, it's there, guaranteed.

What's Good For The Goose Is Good For The Gander

He must try to understand, how you feel right now. I'm quite sure, he tells you he loves you, every day, huh? But there is a difference between love and desire. He would probably tell you that he desires you too, right? But you don't feel very desirable right now and he could tell you, till he's blue in the face and it wouldn't change a thing. Now, this is not his fault, that you don't feel desirable, now is it? But it's a fact of life, a rite of passage, for a mother. Things change, the variables change, your body changes. It's highly doubtful that you'll ever be or feel the same. You must adapt but that does not mean you must bow down to what you dislike or find offensive.

A Dose of Perspective

You must put all this, in terms your man will understand. You must help him to feel what you are feeling. Try to explain to him, calmly, what it is like, when you feel like a baby making machine, then a Mom and not the young and desirable woman, he once lusted for. Don't lecture him. No, we must make him understand but put the resentment aside. You will both become resentful, if you can't calmly allow him to feel what you are feeling. You must make him understand how it would feel if he caught you looking at porn.

How would he feel, if he purposely had to gain weight? Would the girls look at him? What if he shaved his head? I mean some guys can sport that look, while others look absurd. But I say this for a reason; how would he feel about himself, if through no fault of his own, he was suddenly fat and bald? I mean like, he wakes up one morn and then, he looks in the mirror and he sees himself and thinks, "Eeeeeew!" He then walks in, feeling less than and you are watching some built guy, bulging with muscles with a big, you know what (bigger than his) and it's very apparent that you are purposely looking at it. It wasn't an accident, you went to that site, for a reason. How would he feel? No you didn't fool around but it feels like you might as well have cause he feels betrayed. He feels like he doesn't trip your trigger anymore cause if he did, why in hell would you feel the need to look at that? So, now he's standing there feeling like you must not love him anymore and at the very least, he's not desirable? You must make him understand.

Flip The Coin

The other half of our realization here, is that if we don't want our man to shop at another store, we must know the nature of the beast and embrace the facts. Men are hardwired differently than women. They think about sex more, this is a statistical fact, I'm sure you could bear witness? What the hell are you saying, Babz?

I'm telling you to always be aware of the fact that, your man is an animal and you must feed the animal. You may have to work at it. You may have to give a little more of yourself. Don't just get pissed off at him, look at his nature and try to understand it. Yes, he's a Lion, capable of being savage. It was a savage act, for him to look at the porn but just like a lion eats raw red meat, raw feelings are there and you must understand this. You must know how to master the Beast.

You will not be pregnant forever. These feelings of inadequacy will subside and you will begin to feel like your old self. Right now, I'm sure you're Hyper-Sensitive to the subject and the impact of it all cuts a bit deeper. I have the feeling that you don't care for him, looking at porn in the first place but right now, is sure as hell, not a choice time for him to make that mistake. Put the shoe, on the other foot for him and make him see.

At the same time, you guys have been married 14 years. I imagine that you had some magic/chemistry there. Ask yourself, if you quit working at the marriage? Did you take things for granted? I mean he needs to ask himself the same question. I am not pointing the finger at either of you. I am simply saying that, although you can love each other, is the lust and desire gone? He'll deny it, ya know. But there are things, you can do, to keep him coming back for more.

As I said before, you're almost done with the pregnancy thing. This sensitivity may subside a bit but, I feel you must come to grips with who you are and where you want to be. No, you'll never be the young woman you once were. You could make yourself sick, just thinking about it. I went through this myself and I know how you feel. It's enough to piss off a preacher, when you see some young girl, walking around with the top of her thong, clearly showing, purposely sticking out of her pants or sweats or whatever. Yea, your husband is going to look and yea, he might even think it's sexy. Facts of Life.

You can't change how he thinks, even if he looks. You can control, if he acts upon things. Put it into perspective, as to how it feels, for you, especially right now. But do your part to keep him thinking about you. Do your part to blow his mind and trip his trigger. Yes, men have fantasies but if what you're doing is real, he'll think about that first. Go that extra distance to be a dirty girl, in bed. Take control and pretend you're at the rodeo. Ride 'em Cowgirl!