Do Over

Dear Aunt B,

I read some of the articles about your take on incest between a mother and son and agree with your views. However, i think i have a bit of unique situation. I also have a sexual attraction towards my mother and have since i was 13. It started with her walking around in her bra and panties and took off from there.

She over the years has sent me very mixed signals about where she stands on the subject. The first time i acted on my emotions, i had felt her breasts when she was asleep, masturbated in front of her then left the room. Extremely wrong, I know. But, the next morning the first thing she said to me was what i was doing in her room last night, with a grin on her face. i replied that I thought she was calling me so i went in to check on her, all the while thinking to myself i was busted. She then laughed and replied "oh okay" and rolled her eyes like she knew what really happened. and that was it, no talk , ass chewing for what i did, just a quick laugh and on with life. Now in my mind what i had done was obviously acceptable. So now i am spying on her undressing and letting my libido take over my logic.

Some time later, she comes into my room early in the morning to wake me up and my you know what was "standing at attention". She looked at it, grabbed it and said "wow that'll wake us both up!" then left my room. Moving on, a few years down the road I finally get enough nerve to make the "first" move. So i come up behind her and grab her breasts and tell her i have always wanted to do this. To my surprise she didn't even take my hands off her breasts right away and let me feel for about 10-15 seconds before actually doing anything. So i thought i was in, then she proceeded to give me a lecture on how its wrong and she could never do that etc.....

What do i do to get closure on this because she was sending me mixed signals all the time and it confused the hell out of me when she denied me.

Dear Friend,

You are not the first nor will you be the last guy that might find his Mom attractive.It is my understanding that this sort of thing can be a natural emotion or possibly a situation where you emulate your Mother in the context of finding a mate that has the same qualities as Mom.

Simply stated, you and Mom need to nix those feelings and not cross those imaginary lines, the boundaries we all set between right and wrong, scrupulous and unscrupulous.

I find fault in a situation where Mom touches your erect penis or allows you to behave a certain way in front of her, i.e masturbating or any other sexual expression. You know and I know that she pretended not to see but she knew what you were doing, now didn't she?

It's quite natural for a boy and his Ma to be close. Yes, it's actually a wonderful thing for a guy and his Mom to be close enough to share in just about every aspect of their lives. But notice my wording there, "just about." The invisible barriers are there, lines drawn that are not to be crossed, morally, emotionally and literally.

Now, I'm not one to cow tow to society's rituals and quite often I've lived my own life with the edict that "rules are made to be broken." Personally, some might even say that my sons and I have a messed up set of rules and principles. In my past, I have shared, quite often too much with my boys and I pay the Piper for it now. Another story unto itself, suffice it to say that there's not much my sons and I do not share. They tell me all about anything and everything, often in graphic detail. Throughout all these years, I was often a friend, a bad one at that, instead of a mother. But I had my children very young and was growing up, just about with them at the same time. Live & Learn...

Those imaginary lines, boundaries between a mother and her son must never be crossed. It's just inappropriate and morally wrong. Finding fault in this situation does no good but may I suggest that you do not encourage this any further?

I must say that I believe that your Mom may be flattered by your insinuations, innuendo and attention. It's not mentioned in your letter but I'd be willing to bet that Mom is single, getting older and quite lonely. You're a decent looking fella and she enjoys your adulation and adoration. But deep down inside you both know that it's wrong. Inappropriate touching is a big no-no, no matter how lonely you are.

My advice to you is to cease and desist any further crossing of those boundaries. You've written me, not for shock value but simply because you have the need to purge, haven't you? I am putting it as plainly as I can; Yes, I understand your love for your Mom but sex and love are two different things. Don't twist it any longer. There's no crying over spilled milk and you can't undo what's already done but you can choose to do the right thing from this juncture on.

Normally, I'd hold Mom accountable for this unsuitable situation. But the interim effects of all this can't be over looked, you might only hold yourself accountable from this moment on. I do believe you knew it was wrong. I do believe you've known all along but you managed to mix up the emotions attached to a solid and healthy relationship between a mother and her son.

Do Over

Start over, forget about what has happened. Enjoy your time with your Mom, with healthy boundaries, lines you will no longer cross. You suggest to her to possibly find someone her own age. Be on her team, cheering her on to find happiness and to begin to date again. And you do the same.


Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz


Crystal is our guest adviser today...
Dear Reader,

We're not gonna beat around the bush here; I fault your Mother for sending the mixed signals in this situation. She has, at every opportunity, egged it all on. She should have never allowed any of this and she is in the wrong. It is especially wrong for your Mom to touch you.

Did Mom get off because you found her attractive? Masturbation is usually a private matter but for your Mom to encourage or even pretend that she didn't see it is clearly a moral error. Mom should be the one in charge and set the examples but instead she only allowed it, encouraged it.

We think she has may have a low self-esteem and you make her feel better about herself with all this attention. She needs to look at this because this could be very damaging to your relationship in the future There is a difference between love and sex and your Mom has confused you. Affection between you and your Mom is one thing and it's just dandy for you two to be close but she has crossed the line. You both have crossed that invisible boundary.

You are just a growing boy and your testosterone often dictates to you what you will do. But is it steering you wrong? I mean sex is sex, love is love. sex and love are not one and the same. You are confusing the difference between love and sex, affection, closeness...

Your Mother had no business walking around half naked nor should she have encouraged you as she has. She is the one you look up to for guidance and whether or not she realizes it or not she is morally wrong for allowing any of this to go on.

They have a saying that, "A stiff Willy has no conscience," and at your age, I'm sure your Willy could testify, that it does not know the difference between good and bad, moral and unmoral but you know better, now don't you? My advice is you need to be straight forward with your Mom that she's been sending mixed signals and she should be more conservative in her dress and mannerisms towards and around you. You two are crossing the line between love and sex, affection and sex. Love does not equal sex, sex does not equal love except when you are in a loving and healthy relationship with a spouse/girlfriend, etc.

It's very normal for you to get an erection and sometimes it's unprovoked but your Mom is provoking this and I think she's aware of it. She thinks it's funny, real cute but we think she knows it's wrong. She may even like it that you find her attractive? You need someone your age, hell, even read a magazine but stay away from your Mom. If she won't stop it you must. Sub conscientiously you know as does your Mother, that it is very wrong. The emotions you have towards your Mom is normal but crossing that line to incestuous behavior must stop. Before any more damage is done simply stop it and find a girlfriend!

On Your Side,

Halena & Crystal

Your Life

Editors Note; This is one of the most painful posts I've had to deal with, up and to this point. This is an updated situation that was first addressed several months ago. You may read the initial post, "You Hold the Key," to fully understand the ramifications of this powerful and perplexing question.


Dear Aunt B,

Do you remember me? If you don't, I guess I could just refresh your memory a little bit. A little under a year ago, I think, I emailed you because I had problems with my father and I was taken away. I need a little more advice, if you don't mind helping me again.

My new foster parents said I could visit my mother because she is on her medication. I really do want to see her, but I am extremely nervous about it. My mom had an accident where she fell and had some brain damage, so some of her memory is gone, which means that she doesn't really remember anything about the way my father has treated us both recently. I know she really loved my father, and that fact that she doesn't remember anything doesn't really help me much. Because she loved him so much, I have a feeling in my gut that she wouldn't believe me if I told her what he has done. How could I explain to her why I can't live with her anymore, and why my father is in jail? Is there any way to do this without completely crushing her and putting her into another spiral of depression, or without coming to completely hating me for what I did?

I am sort of getting the feeling like I tore my family apart, and to my mom, for no reason at all. With my mom's loss of memory its almost like a completely new slate, and I would love if the thought my father's actions did not have to be in my mom's head, but I just don't know what to do at this point. Can you help me at all?


Dear Friend,

This whole thing has broken my heart from day one. I have prayed that you will find happiness, understanding and ultimately, forgive your father for what he has done. That is a tall order, for what he did to you was beyond any reasonable persons ability to forgive. As well, I am more than happy that you were able to get out of that situation.

But my Dear, you are a very special girl, I just know this and your heart is huge. You may suffer for this, all the days of your life but you are one of the "good people," the few, the proud, left walking this earth. That sounds rough, huh? Don't ever change that, ok? Another tall order.

I also pray that you have been able to get into counseling? All that you have been through, you need to work through it all, sift through the ashes and begin to build yourself back up again. I strongly suggest that you seek counseling, if you have not, up to this point. You've gone through so much at such a tender age and I would love to know that you did not have to go through all this alone. Now, if you have not asked for some form/sort of counseling, I really suggest that you insist upon it.

This is a rather complex situation with twists and turns, bumps and mountains. I have every confidence in you, that you will climb and stand at the top of this mountain of pain. You are stronger than you even realize. As well, you have the heart of a giant, the soul of an Angel and the personality of a cool summer breeze. I would simply ask that you use all the resources available to keep that intact. Yes, a woman is only as good as her tools so you must use your tools. In counseling, you'll possibly learn coping skills and attain a strategy to enable you to put all this painful stuff behind you.

I am holding your hand through this. You've walked through the fire, a fire I know all too well. The wonderful thing about this is the fact that you made it through that fire, forged into a young woman, tempered as gold is tempered. Mark my words, you will be a better woman for all this and all things happen for a reason. If you remember this, you can move on to the next Chapter, in this book;
Your Life.

My concern, at this juncture is, and I hate to repeat myself, but are receiving counseling? No, you don't have to be crazy to go for counseling, a woman is only as good as her tools, right? You must use every available resource/tool to help you in this life, your life. What you have gone through, in these few years, in your young life, is absolutely horrific. I am more than sorry that you had to go through all this and it pains me to know that you might be scarred by it all.
*Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord. Let go and let God deal with your father.

I'd told you before that you are the key, you have the key and you must use that key. You still possess that key. It is emblazoned on your heart. You must use it to let go, let God and forgive, just for starters.

Forgiveness is a huge word, isn't it?

Forgiveness;

The act or an instance of forgiving: absolution, amnesty, condonation, excuse, pardon, remission. Seeforgiveness/vindictiveness.

To forgive someone is to forswear resentment, anger, or other reactions to their having done something that justifies such responses. The philosophical problem is that this is apparently treating them better than they deserve; but how can it be a requirement, or even be permissible, to treat someone in any other way than as they deserve? The advice of Augustine, that we hate the sin but not the sinner also suggests an objective or impersonal attitude towards the sinner, as if the character of the agent is only accidentally connected with the hatefulness of his or her actions, and it has been argued, notably by Strawson, that this objective stance is inconsistent with full recognition of the personhood of others.

Yes, it's not easy but I believe you've already begun the journey down this path. Some people might even question me telling you this and even ask the question;

"How can she forgive her father for what he has done to her?"

We must always treat others as we would want to be treated. What your father did to you is and was reprehensible and just about unforgivable. I'm sorry to say but I don't give two s**ts in hell about your father. But I do care about you and your welfare, your healing and your rise above all this.

My suggestion to you is two fold;

I would ask you to seek counseling and bring up these issues, especially concerning how to deal with your Mother. I would also suggest that you speak to whomever it is that your Mother is in counseling with and seek their opinion as to how to proceed. It's a bit much for you to have to deal with all you've gone through and still have to worry about hurting your Mom. She must be in the care of a Physician, right? So, I think it would be wise of you to speak with them and quite possibly they can help you deal with this issue in a treatment setting?

Most of all, I wish that you would not be strapped with all this guilt, you wear so passionately. None of this is your fault. Read that again; None of this is your fault! You should have never been subjected to what you were put through. Your father will one day answer for his behavior and I dare say, I would not want to be in his shoes.

Please hear me and ask your Foster Parents to get you into some form of treatment. You've been through far too much to bear the brunt of all this alone. If for some reason you feel you can't ask them, then I suggest that you go to your school Guidance Counselor. They will steer you in the right direction and it is their job to take note of a situation.

I am not passing the buck, as they say, when it comes to answering your question. I simply do not feel you should go through this alone. Many of us have suffered through molestation, rape and abuse. You are not alone, in that respect but you do have to live within your own skin and I want you to like you. Right now, I think, just simply gathered from your words alone, that you don't care too much for yourself. You carry a tremendous amount of guilt around, guilt that you should not wear.

Guilt, much like anger, will eat you up inside. It can and will affect you the rest of your life, unless...you work through it, look at it and see that it does not serve you. You must see that it does not look good on you, you don't wear it well and it is choking you. Do whatever it takes to get it off you, throw it away, burn it.

Be good to yourself, please? I have the feeling that your pain, what you've gone through will help others, in the end. So, take what you've gone through, work through any anger, pain, guilt, shame and tame it all. Allow it all to empower you, to make you stronger. Own it before it owns you, ok?

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

*"Vengeance is mine saith the Lord!"

"for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord." (Romans 12:19)

God did not say vengeance is ours. He said vengence is His. If we want to be on the receiving end of God's blessings and favors, we have to truly understand what it means to give it completely over to the Lord.

"Do not say I'll pay you back for this wrong! Wait for the Lord, and He will deliver you." Proverbs 20:22

Sex Is Not The Answer

Dear Aunt B,

I have this need to make my mom feel really good, and she devorced my dad a couple years ago and has just been alone and i also have a really bad need to i want to have sex with her bad i have even tried letting her catch me masterbaiting but she just closes the door quick and acts inocent and your smart so how do i get her to have sex with me i really want her. How do i get her to have me in bed?

Dear Friend,

Our creed here at Aunt Babz is nothing is Taboo and we will answer every question. And I shall...

I can not tell you to kill those emotions, the ones you have for your Mom. I can tell you that they are not proper and I can and will tell you that you should probably seek counseling to put those emotions in check, in proper order.

I assume you are not joking about these feelings. I know I am not laughing about it. I do and am able to see this situation as it is. See, I think you are trying to be a good son. I do think you love your Mom terribly. But I do see that you have flipped the script. You have changed the variables between what's healthy between a young man and his Mom. Don't misunderstand what I am saying as I do give you credit for wanting to make your Mom happy again but I guarantee this is not the right way to make her happy.

As well, you are not the first boy who falls in love with his Mom. Psychological statistics state that a boy first falls for his Mom, quite often but does not act on the emotion. He realizes it's incestuous, not proper, not healthy and in turn, quite often seeks out a girl who is very much like his Mom.

I believe your feelings are real but that does not make them right. I also believe that you are ready to cross that invisible line between a relationship between, that of a mother and her son and a woman and her lover. You can never do this and I hope you will see that it is wrong. In fact, it may be quite upsetting to your Mom. I have three sons and can not imagine or even fathom a sexual encounter with any one of them. I may have even flipped out if they every approached me that way.

I would strongly urge you to seek counsel, you know a professional therapist, in your town. I feel you need to work through these feelings, maybe in a one on one setting. My reasons are not just because of your feelings towards or for your Mother. But I have the sneaking suspicion that you only want to help your Mom, you only want to make her feel better, as you've stated yourself, in your letter.

Yes, I do believe you've grown frustrated and long for your Mom to smile again. That is a wonderful thing. You want her to be happy again, right? If this is the truth, your true motive, sex is not the answer. Just for future reference, most women do not equate sex with making everything alright or making things better. What I mean is this; If you fight with your wife, make up sex is great but it's not the answer. No, actions speak louder than words. By doing the right thing, by showing that you care in the little things you do, that will make a larger impact.

Again, I urge you to get into counseling. You have quite a few issues and a professional, in your area can and will help you work through them. He/She may help you get back on track to a healthy and loving relationship between you and your Mom. Sex is not the answer here, ok?

Now, the best way you could please your Mom, is most likely by doing well in school, helping around the house and treating her with respect. A fella only gets one Mom...make sure you value yours.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Dear Josh,

You ask of us to show you how to get your mother in bed, and the only answer I have is: you don’t.

You’re in a tough spot mentally right now and I would strongly suggest seeking help with a professional therapist.

When a young man desires to be his mothers mate, there are all sorts of things going on there, most primarily that there is something else wrong in the picture. Speaking of only one theory, maybe you have anxiety and using the familiar bond between yourself and your mother to combat the impulses involved in your own sexual development. It could be a number of things that is happening with you right now.

Losing the male figure in your life is also very hard to deal with. Maybe you feel that it is “your job” to be the man in the house and that your mother needs you to be in the role. But I assure you, this is not your job and you do not need to feel like this.

Whatever the situation is warranting your thought process, you do need to talk it out with an accredited professional, because quite frankly your concern is above any of our (at Ask Aunt B’s) ability to talk you through. Yours is one that you do need help with, and if you need any help at all with that just let us know and we will help you find it. Please don’t think of this reply as scolding you or making you feel badly about yourself. I am sure that with a little guidance you can overcome this, and you will be back to living your life as intended.

Take care of yourself, and let us know if you need help.

~Xmichra.

Dear Friend,

You are feeling a role similar to the Father and this is why you are feeling all these things. So, that may be/feel like you want her. You've been taking care of her, haven't you? Now, I know you don't want your Mom to be sad or lonely or even to feel unwanted but you've got to remember you are her son. You are loved by your Mother but not in that way, as in man and wife. To get your mind out of these thoughts, you should get involved with other kids your age. Maybe join some Clubs, after school activities and these feelings will hopefully dissipate.

Know that you will still be there for your Mom, as a son, not a lover. If you decide to do this and go with your emotions right now, your Mom may become more depressed as this will be upsetting because it's not a normal or healthy relationship between a Mother and her son.

Your helpful thoughts, concerning your Mom are good ones but your idea as to how to make her feel better are all wrong. Your role is that of a son, a good and loving, caring, thoughtful son. I see that you are all these things just don't mix up your emotions.

Go to your Guidance Counselor and tell them you need to speak with a Counselor concerning your Mom and Dad's divorce. Then, tell them about these feelings.

On Your Side,

Halena

You Hold The Key

To read more pertaining to this post; Your Life
This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt B,

I am really stuck. My mother has been seeming a bit depressed lately, so I am having to take care of myself for a while. I am okay with that, but my father has been taking advantage of her, so she just usually sits in her room all day. My father won't let me talk to my peers, and anyone really. He started to home school me about three months ago. I was never allowed a phone at all, or a computer. The one I am using is for school work only. If I get caught using it for anything else except school work I am in big trouble. My father hits me all the time, but he calls it disipline so I am not sure if it is legal or not. I can't call the police, because my father says it costs $150 and I can't pay that. He forces me to sex with him and his friends sometimes, even when I am only 13 years old. My father always told me that since I was his daughter he was allowed to do whatever he wanted with me whenever he wanted to. It just bothers me a lot and I am not sure what I should do.

Signed, Bothered and Confused

Dear Bothered & Confused,

I am more than concerned for you. I wish I was there to give you a big hug and tell you everything's gonna be ok. I can't stand the thought of you going through this. We will do everything, within our power to help you, just say the word. We will always be hear for you and yes, Xmichra, Soulseer and myself, are all willing to help you, you just need to extend your hand and grab hold.

No, the things your Father is doing are not right, morally or legally. It is against the law, for him to hit you and it does not cost a thing, to call the Police, I don't care where you live. But even worse, the sexual assault is appalling and wrong. It is so wrong, that he can and will go to Prison for a long time, if he is caught. It is against the law and it sickens me, to think he'd subject you to this, not to mention having sex, with his friends.

If all you say is true, what he is doing by home schooling you, I believe is called, "Isolation." He is keeping you away from the world and your outlet and resources for two reasons; to guard his nasty, dirty secret and to keep you in a state of helplessness and panic, where you feel you need him. To survive, of course you need him or so it may seem.

I was raped, so I do have an idea, how you feel. Maybe, you think you deserve it or he has the right cause he's your Dad? He doesn't and the law says he doesn't, society says he doesn't

Maybe, you love your Father? Maybe, you don't realize just how wrong it is, exactly what he is doing to you? It is more than wrong and the worst of the worst but it is not your fault. You've done nothing wrong and I hope you realize this.

1. Now, it's fairly simple; You can call the Police, in your area and they will immediately remove you from the situation. They will be more than willing to help you. You just need to make the call. Yes, what he is doing is wrong, it's illegal and as I said, it is morally wrong.
2. If you can not call, You can email me your address, which I will not make public, of course and I will send the Police/Authorities for you.

Is it possible, that he hits your Mom too? Is it possible that he is hurting your Mom, in some way? You say she's depressed and I have to wonder why? Is it possible that he is being mean to her too? Does she know about all this, he does? If she has any idea, it may be she feels helpless in the situation.

We always have choices, my Dear, always. You can make the choice to change this situation and I guarantee, your life will change, with just one phone call or by sending me your address. In turn, this may also help your Mother? I mean, if he's been hurting her, as well, you hold the key to unlocking that power over you both. Use the key. Yes, use the key and email me your address.

I have already spoken to the Authorities here. They'd be glad to help you and your Mother and will gladly refer you or do whatever it takes. One phone call and they will come and remove your Dad. Just that quick. Make the choice to help, you and your Mother and to end this awful thing, he's doing to you.

You may think that you love your father? I don't know? But what he is doing, to you, is so wrong that, it would take only one phone call and they would come and arrest him. If he loved you, he would not, could not do this to you. No, as your father, he never has the right to touch you and it is more than wrong, as well, for him to allow his friends to have sex with you. Please listen to me; It is so wrong.

It is all up to you now. As I said, you hold the key to your freedom. You hold the key to helping your Mother as well. Send me your address and within 24 hours or less, it'll all be over. No more hurt, no more pain, no more sexual molestation. let me help you, please?

If you are unsure or you need to think about it, I am always here for you, no matter what. You can call my machine on 4/29/08(This number is disabled but you may write me at mzbabz@comcast.net)(631)292-5005 or you can email me and I promise to help you. Send me your address and I will take care of the rest.

It is a felony for him to molest and rape you and all those, that have had sex with you, will also be arrested, jailed and thrown in Prison. What they are doing is wrong and beyond despicable. I pray you don't get pregnant or catch a life threatening disease such as AIDS/HIV. This would only compound this tragedy.

If your Father loves you, he wouldn't harm you as he is. He may not even realize that what he is doing, is so wrong. I have a feeling he does know but doesn't care. He is lying to you and himself, if he says or thinks that what he is doing is right or even within his rights, as your father.

I will say it again; you hold the key...use it. Call me, call the Police or email me right away and I will take care of the rest. I am here and will always be here for you.Please let me help you!!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

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Xmichra said...

Dear Bothered and Confused:

Your letter has me extremely worried. If this is happening to you, I can tell you for certain that you need to seek help and fast.

First of all I would like to point out that it costs nothing to call the police. NOTHING. You are under the age of majority, which means that any cost (legal or otherwise) would be covered from your state/province/etc from anything that would come of this. You would be protected, and that is the whole point. To gain protection.

You are right to be concerned about your mother, if she is indeed in a depressed state, she needs help as well. And not the kind a letter from us can help. She will need medical attention, and I think that you know this and want to help her. So when you seek help, make sure to take note of this, because she needs you as much as you need her.

Making another thing absolutely clear, you are not a possession. Your father doesn’t own you, and cannot treat you the way that he has. It is a crime to do what he has done, regardless of your age. You are your own person, and you do not have to be touched by ANYONE if that is what you want. You could be 13 or 113, makes no matter. If you are not wanting that type of touching, it is illegal. In your case it is also child abuse because of your age, and that is also a crime. You need to seek help from the authorities as quickly as you can. Do not be afraid, they will help you.

If you need more advice as to who you need to talk too, then babs and I will need a little more detail as to where you live (as in country, region, etc) so that we can tell you where you need to go exactly. We have promised that all letters be confidential on this site, but if you need more help and need someone, we are here for you. We will not post anything further, and we will work with you to get the help you need. Please take this advice, and make sure that you are protecting yourself. You need help, and we can help you if you let us.

Wishing You the Best,

Xmichra
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Soulseer Said...

Hey there,

My Mom (BABS,Aunt B) are very concerned about your situation .The question is ,do you need help getting out? Because there is limitless help available ,Ya just gotta reach out & take that helping hand.I understand your feelings .I too was molested several times .Know one thing ,if anything IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You can get in contact with Mom mzbabz@comcast.net or Me anytime soulseer@verizon.net

Please if you need help ,let us know ,we can protect you & get you out of that hell you live in .We'll pray for you Hun.Remember ,it's not a burden or an inconvenience for us to talk to you.

Blessing & Bliss, Lee

http://www.myspace.com/soulseerlee