It's Just Another Lump

Dear Aunt Babz,

Hi i am a guy that lost my mom when i was 19 and my dad is suing the people that killed her and the money is being split 30% to my dad and 20% to each kid and 10 % to my grandma and my grandma wants it to be split 20% 5 ways and i do not know who's side to take plz help me

Thanks Aunt B,

Needs Help



Dear Needs Help,

Well, let me first say that I am sorry for your loss. I don't care how old a man is, when he loses his Mama it's never easy. I do hope you allow yourself to grieve openly concerning that loss and to hell with anyone who does not understand. OK?

What I am saying is give yourself permission to feel that loss and not stuff it as many men do. Quite often men feel that showing emotion such as grieving, openly crying and so forth is not "Manly." But if the truth were known, I firmly believe that a man who can not allow himself to feel lives a life of repression and pain.

When a man does not feel, grieve or allow himself to cry, it becomes a pent up sensation that tends to come out sideways, typically in the form of anger. Look out whoever gets in the way of it.

Oddly enough and more so evident are the misguided, misdirected and hostile situations which occur when someone close to us dies. I have never, in my life, seen such squabbling between siblings and parents alike as I do when an immediate family member dies. Unfortunately, it's usually over money matters.

Yes, when there's money involved in death, it brings out the ugly in people.

"God don't like ugly and he's not real fond of stupid."

I don't know all the components of your situation or your family make up. Far be it from me to even think I am any "Miss Manner's," either. But it is commonly known and from my research, that it should and will always fall upon the spouse to decide how his wife's assets are dispersed. He has the final say. Final.

As well, he is not required by law to disperse any of those assets with the exclusion of minor children, to any adult children unless there is a will stating that fact and how her assets are to be distributed. Their home as well as her current assets are considered "Life Interest," and will usually remain in his name, care and responsibility until his death.

Unless your Mother specifically stated that her wish, upon her death would be that her own Mother might inherit any portion of her assets under law she is not entitled to anything...but neither are you. However, in case law it is more common that children, even adult children might benefit from what is commonly known as a "Gift," and not a legal and binding bequeathed situation, where no will exists.

I could not find any case law which states, even on a moral realm, where that gifting situation goes up the hierarchical tree. Of course, what people, families do behind closed doors without an executor or administrator is not recorded as case law is. But in any court of law in this United States, your Father would naturally inherit, under normal conditions, all assets as well as expenses such as medical care not covered under insurance and funeral expenses.

Thus the answer to your question would most likely be that if your Father decided to give any of you any proceeds from this wrongful death settlement, he is not bound under law or mandated to give any of you anything. What he might give you, as I stated before would be considered a gift.

Morally, it would be nice as well as gracious for him to honor the love your Mother had for you by honoring you with this gift. I must say though that unless your Grandmother was a primary caregiver for you as well as your siblings, she really has no say in the matter.

If we were to look at statistics concerning how monetary execution is made concerning the normal situation where a will is administered, you would rarely see a bequeathment going up the hierarchical chain. It most certainly goes down that chain and would be applied to the minor children first and foremost, normally in the form of a trust. In this situation, I'm assuming there are no minor children? If this is true, again, anything you receive will be a *gift.

Finally, if Grandma were sitting right in front of me, I would offer her coffee or tea and ask her to sit and talk with me. I would then explain to her that under these or any other circumstance, she has no say in this matter and for this I am sorry. I would also tell her that it does not seem that anyone wants to hurt her feelings on this issue. It's quite obvious that she is loved, honored and deeply cared for. But anything, any percentage she might get, she should be grateful for and thank her lucky stars. She is legally and morally owed nothing.

Life has it's lumps and I assume by now, at her age she's realized this. Without making light of the situation and with all due respect...It's just another lump.

Keeping It Real,


Aunt Babz


Dear Needs Help,

I would just like to add to Babs comment (which was really really well done might I add) that "picking sides" is the last thing you should be doing. If it is not your decission, then let it be. As a person who has just lost someone and has had to deal with this first hand, I can tell you that choosing sides will do nothing but cause hurt feelings and ruin relationships. Don't do that to yourself. Let the powers that be decide what is to happen and stay out of the feud. In the end, the law will work it out, and you will have to deal with one of the parties being upset (your father or grandmother). You don't need to add insult to injury by being the one who said "i told you so: in either case. Your family has lost enough all ready, try and take care of those you have left.

Good Luck, ~Xmichra


*GIFT - A voluntary transfer of property from one person or entity to another made without charge or consideration.
A voluntary transfer of property or of a property interest from one individual to another, made gratuitously to the recipient. The individual who makes the gift is known as the donor, and the individual to whom the gift is made is called the donee.

*If a gratuitous transfer of property is to be effective at some future date, it constitutes a mere promise to make a gift that is unenforceable due to lack of consideration. A present gift of a future interest is, however, valid.

Rules of Gift-Giving

Three elements are essential in determining whether or not a gift has been made: delivery, donative intent, and acceptance by the donee. Even when such elements are present, however, courts will set aside an otherwise valid gift if the circumstances suggest that the donor was, in actuality, defrauded by the donee, coerced to make the gift, or strongly influenced in an unfair manner. In general, however, the law favors enforcing gifts since every individual has the right to dispose of Personal Property as he or she chooses.

Delivery Delivery of a gift is complete when it is made directly to the donee, or to a third party on the donee's behalf. In the event that the third person is the donor's agent, bailee, or trustee, delivery is complete only when such person actually hands the property over to the donee.

A delivery may be actual, implied, or symbolic, provided some affirmative act takes place. If, for example, a man wishes to give his grandson a horse, an actual delivery might take place when the donor hires someone to bring the horse to the grandson's farm. Similarly, the symbolic delivery of a car as a gift can take place when the donor hands the keys over to the donee.

Delivery can only occur when the donor surrenders control of the property. For example, an individual who expresses the desire to make a gift of a car to another but continues to drive the car whenever he or she wishes has not surrendered control of the car.

A majority of states are practical about the requirement of a delivery. Where the donor and the donee reside in the same house, it ordinarily is not required that the gift be removed from the house to establish a delivery. If the donee has possession of the property at the time that the donor also gives the person ownership, there is no need to pass the property back and forth in order to make a legal delivery. Proof that the donor relinquished all claim to the gift and recognized the donee's right to exercise control over it is generally adequate to indicate that a gift was made.

In instances where delivery cannot be made to the donee, as when the person is out of the country at the time, delivery can be made to someone else who agrees to accept the property for the donee. If the individual accepting delivery is employed by the donor, however, the court will make the assumption that the donor has not rendered control of the property and that delivery has not actually been made. The individual accepting delivery must be holding the property for the donee and not for the donor.

In situations where the donee does not have legal capacity to accept delivery, such delivery can be made to an individual who will hold it for him or her. This might, for example, occur in the case of an infant.

Donative Intent Donative intent to make a gift is essentially determined by the donor's words, but the courts also consider the surrounding circumstances, the relationship of the parties, the size of the gift in relation to the amount of the donor's property as a whole, and the behavior of the donor toward the property subsequent to the purported gift.

The donor must have the legal capacity to make a gift. For example, Infants or individuals judged to be unable to attend to their own affairs have a legal disability to make a gift.

In addition, an intent to make a gift must actually exist. For example, a landlord who rents a house to a tenant does not have the intent to give such premises to the tenant, even though the tenant takes possession for an extended period of time. Similarly, a gift to the wrong person will not take effect. If an individual mistakenly gives gold jewelry to an imposter who is believed to be a niece, the gift is invalid because there was no intention to benefit anyone but the niece.

The intent must be present at the time the gift is made. For example, if one person promises to give a house to an artist "someday," the promise is unenforceable because there is no intent to make an effective gift at the time the promise is made. The mere expectation that something will someday be given is not legally adequate to create a gift.

Acceptance The final requirement for a valid gift is acceptance, which means that the donee unconditionally agrees to take the gift. It is necessary for the donee to agree at the same time the delivery is made. The gift can, however, be revoked at any time prior to acceptance.

A court ordinarily makes the assumption that a gift has been accepted if the gift is beneficial, or unless some event has occurred to indicate that it is not.

Types of Gifts

The two principal categories of gifts are inter vivos gifts and causa mortis gifts.

Inter vivos gifts Inter vivos is Latin for "between the living" or "from one living person to another." A gift inter vivos is one that is perfected and takes effect during the lifetime of the donor and donee and that is irrevocable when made. It is a voluntary transfer of property, at no cost to the donee, during the normal course of the donor's life.

A gift inter vivos differs from a sale, a loan, or barter since something is given in exchange for the benefit in each of such transfers. Whether the value given is a money price, a percentage interest or an equivalent item of property, or a promise to repay, the element of exchange makes such transfers something other than a gift.

There are a number of special types of inter vivos gifts. Forgiveness of a debt is a gift of the amount of money owed, and delivery can be accomplished by destroying the promissory note signed by the debtor and handing it over to him or her. A share of stock in a corporation may ordinarily be given to someone else by having ownership transferred to the person on the books of the corporation or by having a new stock certificate issued in the person's name. A life insurance policy can generally be given to someone by delivering the policy, but it is more expedient to express in writing that all interest in the policy is assigned, or transferred, to the donee and to notify the insurance company to that effect. Certain states require these formalities since insurance is strictly regulated by state law. Gifts of land can only be made by written transfer.

A donor can limit an inter vivos gift in certain ways. For example, he or she might give someone a life estate in his or her property. When the donee dies, the property reverts to the donor. A donor cannot place other restrictions on a gift if the restrictions would operate to make the gift invalid. If, for example, the donor reserves the power to revoke a gift, there is no gift at all.

Causa Mortis Gifts A gift causa mortis (Latin for "in contemplation of approaching death") is one that is made in anticipation of imminent death. This type of gift takes effect upon the death of the donor from the expected disease or illness. In the event that the donor recovers from the peril, the gift is automatically revoked. Gifts causa mortis only apply to personal property.

A donor who is approaching death might make a gift by putting his or her intention in writing. This procedure is likely to be followed, when, for example, the donee is in another state, and personal delivery is thereby impractical. The delivery requirement is frequently relaxed when a causa mortis gift is involved, since a donor is less likely to be able to make an actual delivery as his or her death approaches. A symbolic delivery is frequently sufficient to show that a gift was made, provided at least some effort to make a delivery is exercised. The Overt Act aids a court in its determination as to whether a delivery has been made.

The difference between a gift causa mortis and a testamentary gift made by will is that a will transfers ownership subsequent to the death of the donor, but a gift causa mortis takes effect immediately. In most states, the donee becomes legal owner of the gift as soon as it is given, subject only to the condition that the gift must be returned if the donor does not actually die.

The requirements of a causa mortis gift are essentially the same as a gift inter vivos. In addition, such a gift must be made with a view toward the donor's death, the donor must die of the ailment, and there must be a delivery of the gift.

Gifts causa mortis are usually made in a very informal manner and are frequently made because dying people want to be certain that their dearest possessions go to someone they choose.

A donor who is approaching death might make a gift by putting his or her intention in writing. This procedure is likely to be followed, when, for example, the donee is in another state, and personal delivery is thereby impractical. The courts only permit the donee to keep the gift if the donor clearly intended the gift to take effect at the time it was made. If the gift is made in writing in a will and is intended to become effective only after the donor dies, the gift is a testamentary one. The law in each jurisdiction is very strict about the features that make a will valid. One requirement, for example, is that the will must be signed by witnesses. If the donor writes down that he or she is making a gift, but the writing is neither an immediate gift nor a witnessed will, the donee cannot keep the gift.

The delivery requirement is frequently relaxed when a causa mortis gift is involved, since a donor is less likely to be able to make an actual delivery as his or her death approaches. A symbolic delivery is frequently sufficient to show that a gift was made, provided at least some effort to make a delivery is exercised. The overt act aids a court in its determination as to whether a delivery has been made.

A gift causa mortis is only effective if the donor actually dies. It is not necessary that the donor die immediately, but the person must die of a condition or danger that existed when the gift was made and without an intervening recovery. The donee becomes legal owner of the property in most states from the time the gift is made. The person must, however, later return the gift if the donor does not actually die. If the donor changes his or her mind and revokes the gift, or recovers from the particular illness or physical injury, the gift is invalid. A donor also has the right to require that debts or funeral expenses be paid out of the value of the gift.

"Even the most brilliant minds, may have troubled Souls"

Mother Bear

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Dear Aunt B,

My husband was recently arrested for drugs and other charges but there was a court order in place for visitation for my kids but he is in jail and my mother in law insist that she will come get them but do i have to let them go because the visitation was for my husband?

Dear Friend,

I am not in the Legal biz but I do know enough to know that the visitation is what the court order says. If it does not list her name, she does not have the right to visitation. If she wants visitation, she can petition the courts but until said time, she has no legal ground.

Now, the other side of the coin. Only you know the reason, why you do not want your children, to go there, with your Mother-in Law. If it is because they may be exposed to something, wrong or illegal, I say, stand your ground. Make her take you to court and then you give the judge the reasoning behind your refusal.


If you are just being spiteful and I have seen this before, remember that she is their family too. I have been placed in the same scenario. My granddaughter will be 9 in August. I have not laid eyes on her since she was a toddler. She has Cystic Fibrosis. It is gut wrenching to worry and wonder how she is. I know this pain, of not being able to see MY grandchild. Those children are yours and as their Mother, you must, at all times, do what is in their best interest. Ask yourself, if you are being spiteful, unreasonable or malicious? If you have a valid reason, it is understandable. But if you do not, please look at.

I am a mother bear and would die or kill for my children. But we can not be too overbearing. We must have a balance and give them wings. Just because you and your husband, are on the outs, does not cut the ties that bind. Family is important for children. If there's a true reason for your fears, look at them, make sure they are valid and go from there.

If you are simply being a mother bear, you must see that for them to make it, they must see the forest and they must wander a bit. Keeping an eye on their welfare, is good but do not be over bearing or malicious.

"No Tolerance"

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Dear Aunt B,

I am from a polygamous family and the only child of my mum to that family. My mum is late, and my dad seems to love me. Now, my half brother hated me and always beat me up at the slightest mistake. Advice me

Thank you.

PS,

It’s about hatred from my half brother. He felt our dad loves me more than the rest children.He so hated me with passion. I feel like moving away from the house. Quarrelling and fighting often times. Just share hate.

Do have a lovely week.

James

Dear James,

It must be difficult for you and I can surely understand, you feeling discouraged. Actually, discouraged, may be putting it mildly. It must be equally difficult when you're Mum is not there to comfort, guide and let you know you are loved. It is good to hear, that your Dad loves you.

You do not say, how old you are or how long you must live under the same roof as your half-brothers. I assume you are a teen? I also assume, moving out is not the answer?

My own, youngest son, was treated harshly because, his own brothers believed he was my second husbands son and their half-brother. They treated him badly because of this. He had blue eyes, like my second husband and was raised by my second husband who treated him preferably. Children sense this, even if no harm is intended. My youngest was really their, full blood brother but they were so mean to him, growing up. I do not believe they would have treated him this way, had they realized that blood is blood, family is family and respect for one another is just that.

Can you go to your Father and ask him to Mediate, between you two? Ask for a sit down, to talk. Ask your father to allow you to talk and your aim, is not to make your brother look bad but to work things out between you both.

Tell your brother that he is just that, your brother and you want his favor. Remind him, with your dad sitting there, that you are family and you want to get along. Make him aware that you have no need for this partition between you two. Tell him that you want to get along and the way things have been going, it all really hurts. Use these words," Brothers should be there for each other. I want to turn things around. I don't want to behave as a child and I don't want any resentment between us." See, you know why your brother is acting out of jealousy and it is not your fault, if he feels that your Dad cares for you more. You tell him, that you do not feel that your father cares for you differently than him and loves you equally. So, who is at fault here, if they have animosity? It is your brothers fault, unless you have provoked him or your father has provoked him. You explain that and make him painfully aware, that your Mum is gone and your family is all you have. A father's love is all you have and you no longer want to feel guilty when you receive your fathers love.

Then, you make your first stand as a man; You stand to shake his hand. You ask him, if you two can become brothers, from this day forward and throw the enemy out.

James dear, if I were you, I would write it all down, on paper. I would try to use the approach I have offered. I would set the stage by asking your Dad to intervene, only by sitting in on the talk. You make sure your dad knows your heart, your motive. That is to bridge this gap and put this pain aside. You explain that you are not trying to start a fight but end one, forever. You only request his presence as an intermediary, not a referee. This will also allow a captive audience with your brother and he will be forced to look at his issues and his behavior.

James, allow this to be your first stand, as a man. Allow this to be a life lesson. Learn from it all and how to see your confidence build, when you take your own destiny, your own issues and make a stand.

"While it is important, for people to know what we stand for, it is equally important, for them to know, what we will not stand for."
Aunt Babz

You must make take a stand and assertively state the fact that you no longer want to live this way. You must not be a martyr, for the cause of Polygamy. You must stop being a victim. I am not calling you a sissy. Read that again. Your feelings are real. Your feelings are understandable and valid. I am telling you, right here, right now, that I completely feel for you. But if you want this to stop, you must take a "no tolerance stance."


Put on Aunt Babz Signature Cologne; Confidence/Empowerement

You will no longer tolerate being treated like you have done something wrong because your father loves you. You will no longer tolerate your brother treating you badly because he has issues, with that love. If he has issues about the equality of your fathers love, between you both, he needs to take it up with his father, right then, while you are at your sit down meeting. You will no longer tolerate any of it and from this day forward, he will treat you like a brother or leave you alone.

Your situation is unique to you. But many young men, must grow up quickly without the love and presence of their Mother. But James, she is there, you need only to reach out to her and she will comfort you. She brought you here. Out of the millions of pages on the internet, you were guided here. There is no such thing as luck, coincidence or magic. Remember this. You were guided here. Your Mum is always with you and will comfort you. She often touches your ear, to let you know she's there. You felt it but didn't know what it was, did you?

Write it all down, use the words I have given you and make your point. It will change your life. If you do this with the confidence that's within you, your brother will respect you from that day forward.

It is a rite of passage, from boy to man, when you learn to stand up for what you will not tolerate in your life. Remember the words, "No Tolerance."

Guilt Trip 101; Revisited

I invite you to read this post. It is the beginning of this quest, to work out family issues. This was some life long issues, that had gone on unchecked, unbridled and unresolved. When family love is truly right, it is unconditional and it sure doesn't play mind games. But we get mixed up in the world and we forget what's important; Family.

This was sent to Aunt B via email

Dear Babs,

After i had written the letter, my sister took 2 days to respond because she had just returned from a cruise and was catching up on her paperwork...i don't think it was hesitancy on her part.

Her response was short but rather nice, she told me that and i quote: " don't think for a minute that i don't love you" and also that she will be visiting here where i am in May. Her title of her reply to me was : (regarding your wonderful letter!)

That was so nice but short but it made me feel very happy at the time and relieved.

I was quite worried that she wouldn't respond or that she would think i was whacky for writing that kind of letter to her lol.

I did finally speak to her on the phone for a short couple of minutes upon calling my mother to wish her happy birthday. She was there giving my mom gifts.

I asked my Mom to speak to my sister and she said hello just like she always did in a casual way. I said to her that i got your e-mail and she said why did you write that and that i must have been very bored that day. Well that kind of threw me and i didn't know what to say to her saying that. I kind of laughed and said without knowing what to say that i was just writing something nice to you and then i changed the subject and started asking about her kids. Then she had to go and answer her cell because of her husband calling her. She wasn't mean but i think maybe she thought i have lost my mind lol. Oh well, at least i got to finally say to her in the letter how sorry i was for all the name calling and how family shouldn't call each other hurtful names and how it really is wrong and hurts our feelings. I think she must have wondered if i was writing a suicide letter lol.

She was all business like but not mean but the comment about me being bored that day really made me think that she was probably thinking i need a life or something lol. Like i don't have enough on my plate in my own life for her to figure out i don't have time to be bored with my husband and my disabled son and worrying about his future, health etc.

Sometimes, i think maybe she just forgot how to love and appreciate family...i wonder if she even feels anything for me and her letter was just a "just being nice" letter.

I am feeling good about what i wrote though Babs and i am still glad that i sent it to her and i am taking back my power and i understand how sometimes we give that away to some people without even realizing it. And i don't intend to let her pay for my airline tickets anymore even if she offers which i doubt she will do. I understand what you mean about it making her feel superior especially since she employs a lot of people in her office and is used to bossing people around and having them under her power so to speak.

I have come to terms with how it doesn't matter to me whether she pays for other family members and not me or my family and doesn't really care too much about me. She does have her own life and i have mine and we live in two different countries even though she comes here often to visit my other sister. I don't know what will happen when she comes to visit in May next month. I don't know if she will call me and invite me to come on over etc. She has bought some property here and is furnishing the home in May.

This has been a growing up and maturing in many ways experience for me and i am so glad that you have shown me the way to get where i am right now...thank you Babs.

It is not a quick fix but is a healing process for me with the guilt about the name calling of her and also i hope it touches something in her heart.

God only knows.

I love her but she is very, very different from me and i don't think she and i will ever really be as close as she is with my other sister. As you said to me earlier, this letter could just be a temporary fix and that is that.

I am reclaiming the power i gave to her Babs and i have you to thank for helping me do that!

Love,

Janet.

>>>>>Email #2

Dear Babs,

I just read another e-mail my sister sent to me.

This one was quite positive...she said she hopes that we can get

together when she visits in May...and wrote Love, and her name at the end.

If only i didn't have to deal with her husband who is totally obnoxious and on any given moment spits out mean comments directed to me when he is in the mood.

How do you deal with people who only have bad things to say about you such as him?

Anyways, bye for now Babs.

love,

Janet.

My Dearest Janet,
This is truly a step in the right direction and I am pleased. This didn't happen over night and it'll probably take a bit of time to fix it. You planted seeds. You can bet your sister is thinking. You made her think and you may her look at this whole scenario. It will warm her heart. But your sister is not that woman from long ago, so anything you get is a gift. We must maintain that approach and carry that information in our pocket...anything is a gift!

I am so glad you wrote her and I know, without a doubt it was one of the hardest things you've ever done. The issue was really not what you'd done years ago but how she had treated you, basically less than. But if we went back and tried to find the root of that evil, we see some childhood hard feelings. We all have them and we can only rise above it, right? But life is way to short for the bullshit, isn't it? I mean really, you could both die, never having said how you really feel, for what good reason; Pride? Stubbornness? Who's right or wrong?

If we begin to live our lives, like we have no time left and say what needs to be said, a whole lot more would be done and it would be said. If we thought what it would be like, to be handed a death sentence, like I was back in 1998, we'd begin to view things and people, relationships and love in a whole different light.

Life runs by, so very quickly, doesn't it? I mean it was just yesterday, you guys were Easter egg hunting together, you and your sisters or riding bikes, eating dinner together. Now look at you, all grown up and you forgot that sense of what family is really all about. You tippy toed around your sister, for whatever reason, because she built up walls and only let you in with a simple plane ticket, her control mechanism. She could show that she could still care but keep you at a distance and still keep the wall up. So, you've gone after that wall with The Letter.
That wall will begin to come down, little by little because you humbled yourself, figured out what was really important and sent that letter. I know you humbled yourself. For this, I applaud you and I wish their was a trophy that you could look at every day. See, my concern was for your growth in this. You've shown this and I knew it was all you could do to write that letter to that undeserving sister. But she is your sister and the secret to life is family, love and laughter. That's it and that's all. So, you have stepped up to bat, in that nasty game and you swung and you did your part for the team; Family. If you died tomorrow, you can say you tried, right? And that's what it's all about; letting those around us know how we feel and letting them know they are and were loved.

The Brother-in-Law

Put on Aunt B's Bitch Belt! Put it on every single day, when you get up and dressed for the day and wear it proudly. This fellow and many like him, had to exude confidence. In his world, it is survival of the fittest, prey or be preyed upon. Seriously, you must exude confidence. He can feel, maybe even smell your lack of that confidence around him.Doctors are especially guilty of this. They are held in such high esteem that they forget they are not gods. Not all of them are like this but to get where they got, they sure had to show the fortitude to be confident. You can be handed a college education but you can not get a degree with just money, well, in 95% of those that must pass the tests and so on. I'm sure you get my point. So, here's the lowly Janet, sitting in the same room as the Doctor/god. You walk in the room and there he is, smug and crass, just chomping at the bit to show you just how brilliant he is and how brilliant you are not. But you've got on your handy dandy Bitch Belt. It repels bugs and asshole's alike.

There are two kinds of people in this
world;

1. Deep Feelers
2. Surface Living
   

Us Deep Feelers, have a harder time in life but we're more aware. We seem to go through more, trials and tribulations while the surface people seem to skate through life, unscathed. They often fall into shit, come out smelling like roses and look good doing it.
Some of us have to evolve and reinvent ourselves. After you've had your face mashed in the mud, you learn to rise above it, learn from it's grit and pain and move on. You had your face all muddy. You wiped it off, long enough to write a letter and that took guts.I'd rather be you, than your sister, any day. I know, without a doubt, that you are an extremely caring person, a deep feeler. I'm sorry to say it but your sister is a Surface person. You two are different and always will be. She may look like she's living a charmed life but in reality, you are the one who's really living, feeling, loving. Why do you think that God placed one of His most precious creations, a handicapped child, in your care? Because you are a deep feeler and He knew you'd both learn from it. It is a blessing, in disguise, believe it or not. Trust me.

"An undisciplined and untrained child, is an orphan."

My own Mother spoke those words to me, after I cried out about all of my hardships. I could not understand why I had to go through so much. But God was teaching me and prepping me for the real things in life. I know this now but I sure did struggle and still do. But I wipe off the mud, pick myself up, put on my bitch belt and exude that confidence. It is a confidence, only afforded those of us who have truly lived, been rode hard, put away wet. But we're the ones with the real brass ring; we learned the secret to life...love, laughter, family.

Here's your brass ring Janet!!


**I just had to post this wonderful reply from the author of this letter to me;

Thank you very much Babs for your helpful and insightful advice.

You have truly been a lifesaver in healing my pain.

I really, really think you are the greatest and i mean that.

Exceptionally smart and like an angel.

God bless you.

love,

Janet.

**Thank you Janet. I think we've both been given a gift of perspective here!!

suicide

Guilt Trip 101

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Dear Aunt B.

I have a problem with my sister. Recently, I found out from my mother that she (my sister) was saying that I was lazy and that she is never paying for my airline ticket again to visit. Now, I was on a visit at this last Christmas with my sister in which she paid for my airline ticket. It was a family reunion.

She seems to think that I should have been more helpful in lending a hand in cleaning up etc. As I recall, I did do some dishes and sweep as it was only a 1 week visit. I don't know why she would say this to my mother but I think it has to be something else. My other sister was also visiting at the same time.

A little background, she and I were never close growing up and she was more closer to my other sister and they were pals and still are.

She never showed me a kind face when I visited her and when I did speak to her about anything she seemed to not be interested in what I had to say or pay any attention to my even speaking. She seemed to smile and pay attention to everyone else speaking to her except for me. She seemed very snobby to me.

To me, she seems to be a workaholic as she never seems to sit still and is always doing something.

She recently told my mother that I was lazy and she is never paying for my airline ticket again(which she has been doing for many years without me asking her to do so).

The problem is she has really hurt my feelings and I feel betrayed by her saying that I am lazy. I don't think I am a lazy person and I have a handicapped child that I have had to take care of and I have been through my own personal hell in raising him but I love him regardless.

I feel like I have been stabbed in the back by her and I am so upset with her that I feel like calling her and telling her off but because my mother asked me not to say anything I am not sure what I should do. My mother babysits for her and cleans her homes you see so I would put my mother in a bad position if I said anything to my sister. I am just so upset and hurt by this and the cold behavior she had shown to me at Christmas time.

I have a feeling she is just jealous of when my other sister and I are together and share jokes and enjoy each other's company. That is what I feel is behind her nasty remark made to my mother behind my back, just jealousy.

There seems to be a competition from her to have my sister's attention etc.

Should I just swallow this feeling and try to get over it or should I say something to my other sister about my feelings (the one that I get along with) and have her pass on this information to the snobby sister which I am sure she would do since they are very pals.

Would it not be in my best interest to say anything at all to anyone and just not ever visit her anymore. I will miss seeing my 2 nieces that I love ...because of this problem.

I feel she apparently hates me maybe because of the attention my other sister gives me.

I don't know what to do about this but every day that passes I get more pissed off and hurt.

Please help me in finding a resolution to my hurt feelings about this matter.

Thank you kindly.

Janet.


Dear Janet,

First, let me validate your feelings by telling you that I would be upset too. I think her comment was designed to be kept secret but designed to make you look bad and her good. It was an attempt to make her look like the Golden Child, the Hard Worker, the best of the best. But we see through it, now don't we?

I imagine if I'd flown somewhere, even at a family members house, I would view it, as somewhat of a vacation and I was not brought there to work? Helping out is one thing. Drying the dishes or something to that effect, is one thing but is it possible she thought you were supposed to run the vacuum, then, shampoo the carpets?

I don't know, the whole story here but I take care of my Autistic nephew and it is beyond taxing. I love him dearly but he is six years old and I am 48. You can bet your bum that I fall out at night after chasing after him, wrestling and cleaning up after him. So, if I were invited somewhere, I'd be searching for a break and I would think it would be with family. You would think they'd see this but truly, your one sister has aspired to miss the true meaning of life. Let me explain...

Some people, measure themselves by how hard they work. Some measure themselves by how hard they work at getting out of work. Neither are healthy. My own Mother was, note the word, "WAS," one of those work till your fingers bleed, kinda gals. She instilled in me, a similar unhealthy outlook and I have worked myself sick. While it is good to have a good work ethic, keep a tidy home and not be a pig, it is soooooo unhealthy to think this is the benchmark of who you are. I think that is what your Sister would like to be. She goes around, "Hey everybody, look at me, I work harder than anybody else." Excuse me, I have to go throw up. Be right back...lol!

It is actually sad, this whole state of affairs. But I've seen it countless times, hell, I grew up in a similar situation. Old school dictates, that it's a complete embarrassment, a faux paus, for everything, not be neat and tidy, dishes done, everything put away, laundry done and folded. The yard must be mowed to perfection, shrubs and hedges clipped, house painted, car washed. Take little Matilda to piano lessons, take Johnny to soccer practice, Chelsea has to go to Ballet. The and the dog needs walked and we must make sure the garbage is put out on the curb at exactly sun down and not before and pick up any debris that has flown into your yard, my God, what would the Jones' say about all this? We have to do this and get a better car because what would the Jones' tell the Smiths? The truth of the matter is... those families don't talk, their kids are mixed up and pretty soon, Mr. Jones is going to have a heart attack because he works himself into the ground. But when they do his Eulogy, they'll be sure to mention that he worked hard all his life and had the tidiest yard in the neighborhood. They won't mention that Mrs. Jones was having an affair because she craved the love her husband used to give her, when they first met, before his priorities, were not to work all the time. I could go on and on but I think you get the picture? I have the feeling that your sister was looking for fault and that is what she pulled out of her rear axle. I don't think it's the true issue here, your lack of helping, with the cleaning during a visit. So, what is the true nature of her beef?

As I said, my own Mom was like that. She was constant and always working, never stopping to smell the roses, much less make time for family. I don't know if it was my letter to her that changed that. I'd like to think it was but I pointed out that I had figured out the secrets to life;
Love, Laughter and Family. If we allow all the other things to stand in the way of what is important, we are not living right. Have dinner with family and let the dishes sit, they can wait. Take that precious time, to find out how your family is and enjoy their company. If my kids came to visit me or my family, I'd only do the dishes that I needed to do. Thank goodness for the dishwasher. I'd have cleaned before they came and only do what was absolutely necessary. I sure as hell wouldn't expect them, to do or start cleaning. I would treat them like company, like royalty because I value them just like royalty. I'm not wasting valuable time on doing housework. I don't care if I've got to step over shit, to get to them, that's what I will do to spend that time with them and them alone. I am not encouraging filth, I am encouraging priorities.


Life is Too Short


"Life is too short for the dumb shit." I know this is crude but it is my saying. I think you understand this concept, however, your sister does not. So how can we help her understand? We also don't want to betray Mom's confidence. I find it hard to swallow, first off, a woman who throws her opinion out there, like she is all that but has her own mother clean her home and watch her children. That speaks to me, big time. It tells me that she is hypocritical and she certainly has a self-esteem issue. She wants to make you look bad, so she looks better. By buying your ticket all this time, she looks like the Queen of Turd Island and you will pay homage to the Queen. I am not trying to piss you off but to give you back your power. You may not be in the position to pay for these tickets, so you may visit? If you can afford it, stop allowing her to pay for it. It makes her feel superior and I don't think she's been doing it out of the kindness of her heart. If you can take that away from her, do it.

As I said, life is too short and your sister does not realize this. We need to give her a big fat dose of perspective. I realize that you are angry and would love nothing more, than to tear into her, in fact, I'd be willing to bet, you are grinding your teeth on this one. I would be. But we want things to work, not make it worse and we want to win. So, let me introduce you to my class;
Guilt Trip 101


I am a huge fan of letter writing. If you've read any of my other posts, almost every answer has something to do with writing a letter. There's a reason for this. When someone reads a letter, you have captured their attention, uninterrupted by rebuttal. Your feelings are laid out, well planned and choreographed, carefully worded. When you confront someone in person, especially in a scenario, such as this, the stakes are kind of high. If they don't have complete composure, they tend to put up a wall and they really don't hear you. They may take a defensive stance and never hear a word you say. In turn, you may not say what needs to be said or speak from the heart because your own anger may cloud the real issues. Finally, confrontation out of anger, is rarely a fix all. It usually makes things worse. You'll be hard pressed to put a sister in place who has all the components of an egotist with a flip side of low self-esteem. Go figure?
We want to make an impact, make her think, make a change, huh? There's really only one way to do this...guilt trip. I know, it's down and dirty, it's underhanded, it's just what we have to do.

The Letter


You start the letter by pointing out, that you love your Sister, immensely. You tell her that, for whatever reason, you are aware that your relationship is strained and you do not understand why? You tell her that life is too short and if something were to happen to her tomorrow, it would be regrettable if you, knowing what you know, didn't try to make it better. You tell her that if there was something in your past, that you did to her, that hurt her, you want to apologize. You say, that you would appreciate it, if you both, for the sake of family, could wipe the slates clean, (notice I said, "SLATES" in plural). You tell her, that it does not sit well with you, for a sister that you love, dearly, to dislike you so much and it actually hurts. You say that you do not know what is is that makes her feel as she does about you but you can feel the distance and it hurts. You tell her that, you feel that she probably loves you but, you can tell that she does not "like you." You'd like to change that because you only get one family and they'll never be another sister like her. God forbid, if she were to leave this earth tomorrow, you'd want her to know that she was loved. You point out that you two are different, with different lives and interests but once again, life is too short to miss the opportunity to tell someone that you care, that you want your relationship to be good and you want to enjoy each other's company, when you visit. You then mention, the fact that you could feel something wasn't right and it hasn't been right for TOO LONG. You then say, that you do not want to go any longer with things as they are. Finally, you ask her, "What can we do to fix this, to heal the situation?"

If you have hurt her, you may not be aware of it. But I have the feeling that she's just been pious. Still, all of this will make her think, really what is her problem with you. You have not handed her the whole plate, only that if you hurt her and this is why she has behaved as she has, then let's fix it. You have now deferred and projected onto her, that for the sake of the family, she should try to fix this. Life is far too short for games and wasted time. Family is for love and laughter and without it, life truly sucks. I hope you can work this out.




This comment was sent to Aunt B. It is from the author of the original question. I have answered her comment. Please read...

Dear Aunt B.

Thank you for your advice on the problem with my sister and her calling me Lazy.

I knew there had to be more to that Lazy comment directed towards me..... and your information on how past hurts that I have done to her is right on the money.

I was a young teen and I used to call her fat and chubby and make fun of her all the time and later I used to secretly tell my other sister (the one I got along with) that she was so cold like a bitch...at least I think it was a secret....maybe not so secret after all.......I think I did that mostly because I didn't like the snobby way she used to treat me even then as a kid. I guess in a way I was trying to make her like me like she liked my other sister.

I know that calling anyone a name is wrong and hurtful and it comes back to bite you one day. Kids do and say cruel things to each other and I am guilty of hurting her in the past with the fat jokes. I can't believe how cruel as a child I could be to her and dare I say it, Mean to her. On another note, my other sister made fun of her fat too.

But I guess she is getting me back now...especially since she is rich now and i am not....she is slim and I am the chubby one now.

She has everyone in my family under her control with her money and the free trips and cruises she can offer them....and for a while me also. I looked at the free tickets as her love for me and her caring about me...but little did I know...it was just to show me how rich and powerful she is and all the houses she has and Rolexes and diamonds.....and cars....literally rub my nose in it.

You have opened up my eyes as to the possible real reason by her attitude and treatment towards me.

And yes I will try to write her the guilt trip letter but I am not sure what I will say without letting the cat out of the bag that our mother mentioned the Lazy comment to me....I am still pissed off with her though.

I will try to do my best in depleting my anger ....and instead.....expressing my love for her and tell her how sorry I am for hurting her in the past and let's clear Slates as you say for family's sake. I think I am finding it hard to think I could write a letter to her and express my feelings to someone who is so cold and to me could care less. I fear her rejection and belittlement of me if I were to tell her sorry for past hurts that i have caused her. I feel this would empower her more over me...to treat me bad...or to make her look even better than me.

It also seems to me that by appearing as she does to be cold that she is protecting herself from being ruled by emotions which could make her appear weak and break down her "I am perfect and in control of everything and everyone facade."

I do feel sorry for her that she lives with an abusive husband who controls her every move by the way...i don't think i mentioned that part...he is a rich well to do Doctor...not all doctors are Gods, this one is a total asshole...and i am not the only one that thinks so...believe me.

But she loves the power that all the money can buy and do...especially when it comes to her family. She loves to flash her diamonds and her expensive Rolex watches to family...and her many homes.

I guess that makes up for the abuse she takes from her husband and yes he is also critical of her weight if she gains even more than 5 lbs. He is a pig.....but that is another story.

I hope I don't seem like I am still the kid calling names....I have had my share of abuse from her husband too. Our entire family has in fact...with money as the weapon to hold over us and keep you us down in the dungeon as they stomp on you and throw you a bone every now and then to let you know much they really do care for you.

My mother told me it is just an act she does to disguise her unhappiness.

I will let you know Aunt B if I do get up the guts to write that letter and what I said and the outcome if any.

Thank you so much for your words of wisdom, I really do appreciate it. You are very smart and all knowing, my hats off to you :-).

We have both grown from this, can you see that? I am always learning from what I read and how people perceive things, how they take their bumps and lumps and the interchangeable way people choose to look at things. I think you have a good attitude and one which is reasonable. I don’t think you are wrong in the least bit for feeling the way you do, about all of this. I think most would agree with you and it is perceptive that you see through your sister’s facade.

I agree with you, I don’t think she’s trying to buy your love but maybe buying your respect. Of course, she’s going about it, in all the wrong ways. Money doesn’t buy everything, huh? Although, it can be a temporary fix and I’d rather cry in a Lexus than a Volkswagen, with an Ann Taylor suit, Rolex and Prada handbag, it sure don’t get ya no happiness. Nope, happiness resides in the heart, not in what we own. But for us real folks, she knows that she can hit the hardest, by trying to make us look up to her and her money. What’s the best way to do that? By holding it over our heads and being the answer to our problems, financially. You have to pity that mentality and I’m not sure if I’d want to trade places with her. Having said that, I want you to realize that I would rather be you, the one who has empathy, knows laughter, is genuine and knows the difference. Be proud of who you are and the fact that you are trying to better yourself. Be proud of the fact, that you can look in the mirror and see the truth. But let me take you one more step…

I don’t know how Spiritual, you are but I do believe that there is a Higher Power and we will one day answer for our lives, our behavior. How we play the game is important, how we treat others, is even more important. But all in all, we must be true to ourselves, right?

Anger kills. It can keep a good man down and make a strong woman crumble. Staying angry about something, a situation like this, well, you are the one suffering more than anyone else. I’d like to see you get past your anger and your own pain. I also realize that you have dealt with this pain, most of your life, huh? Get your power back. Right now, I hate to say but you’ve handed it, your power, to your sister and she’s playing with it like a stress ball; squeezing it, squashing it, throwing it against the wall. Don’t think that I am telling you anything other than, what I’ve had to realize on my own, what I have had to come to grips with. You are no less or weaker than me, we just hadn’t seen the whole shebang. It’s time for you to take it back.

Write that letter and use some of the phrases or the way I have worded a few things. They are chock full of reason. Your apology, the way I worded it, is empowering, yet you are not bearing the “all” of it. Re-read what I asked you to say, in the letter. It is actually, a carefully orchestrated piece. Try to use it to your advantage. By writing her this letter, you have tried to do your part, to make this better. Not only that, you have now, dumped, it in her lap, the deferred responsibility, of trying to make this work.

When it comes down to it, what I want for you is to get back your power. My feeling is that, your sister may be stuck in her stuck-up world. You may make her aware of your intent, your feelings and your desire for things to be or get better. But the reality of this is that, it may be no more than a quick fix. I hope it is groundbreaking. In the event that it is not, I would still love for you to see yourself, in a whole new light.

You get more bees with honey, than vinegar, right? You smile, hold your head up and know that you are a better person for trying to make this better. See, the objective here, is that you will be able to live your life, with one less handicap. This handicap is just as real as your child’s; you just can’t see it as easily.

I have Intuition, we’ll say. I can see that you are such a good and caring person. You are not a pushover and you have the ability to see things, others do not see. You have empathy and compassion. You do not go out of your way to hurt others or to step on their toes. You mind your own business and you are a loyal friend but private. You are so disgusted by your sister’s jealous behavior, not to mention her snooty persuasion. You are better than this. You are a much better person and as you can see, she is not better off because she has money. She’s a bitter person. Do not emulate her. Do not wish you had what she has. The truth of the matter is this; you are the richest of the sisters. You have what she does not; Heart. Some people will never know the secrets to life but you do. Do not let her take you down, not one more day. Take that burr out of your saddle by writing the letter. Then, throw on your cowgirl hat and ride high in that saddle.

ohmibod

Mmmmmmm...A Slice of Humble Pie

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Dear Aunt B:

Im not sure how to deal with the problems I'm having with my new Sister-in-Law.

We had been best friends for at least 14 years, and I had recently

married her brother after dating for six years. Our friendship fell

apart for good when I was unable to change my wedding rehearsal date to accommodate her needs (she has health problems and is considered

disabled.) A separate rehearsal date just for her was planned but she

wouldn't accept it, it had to be all or nothing. I told her that I felt

guilty but she said I was being selfish and unreasonable and letting

down a disabled person. Eventually she ended up dropping out of my

wedding, but she attended the wedding as a guest and bad-mouthed me to her whole family and turned some of her family against me. Since my

wedding day she has further trashed my reputation and most of her family continues to be against me.

We have had many fights in the past (usually about me disagreeing with

her about something) and to resolve our issues we've ALWAYS had to use the mediation of a clergy person or counselor. She never has to

apologize, always has a poor excuse for her selfish behavior, and always

turns everything around to make it my fault. My husband, who is the

kindest, most easy-going person I know, is so angry with her and

doesn't care to see her anymore. Holidays and get together's are now

scheduled separately so that we don't have to be in the same room with

his toxic sister.

I am not willing to be her friend but her behavior has ripped a family

apart. She has done nothing to allow the family to heal. I don't want

to be the one to start apologizing because I feel I did nothing wrong,

but I think something needs to be done to start the healing. How can I

get her to make the first move? Also, am I wrong for being so hurt and

angry at this person, who was supposed to be my best friend and has

caused such unrest in my new marriage?

Thank you so much for any advice you have to give, Aunt B! I look

forward to hearing from you.

Woohoo, do you have your hands full, huh?
First, to make up, I would throw her a Pity Party, with lots of balloons and blowers but make sure it fits her schedule, of course (insert sarcastic tone).

I do not apologize for that. I've seen her kind before and it gives people with disabilities a bad name. It's actually shameful. Because you have a disability does not give you license to be a nasty person. You get more bees with honey than vinegar, right?

I am considered disabled, (our secret, nobody knows) and do not behave any less than I would want to be treated. I was hit by two cars when I was 18. Then, years later, had to have two ribs removed, the artery and nerve moved and a portion of lung removed. My step- sister, was born with Cerebral Palsy, no kneecap, one leg shorter than the other and has had so many surgeries, to try to help her, she looks like a train track. She was also placed in an Asylum when she was 5 years old. Back in the day, (my step-sister is 50+), when a child had such disabilities, that's what the Doctors told them to do. This place was so horrible, my Aunt, who wrote for 20/20 and People Magazine, did an investigative story and had the place shut down. Throughout it all, my sis rarely complained. Oh, she said she hurt but she never used her disability to get her way, use people or to obtain pity. She was released when she was 22 years old, married and now lives in an Assisted Living situation. I have worked with patients who are bitter and with do anything to grab a pocket full of pity and this is how I am able to see through it. You don't have to be disabled to be a bitter and nasty person though, huh? You don't have to be disabled to use people either, right?

Now, I am only telling you some of this, not to establish that I am mean or unfeeling. I am telling you this, only to validate your feelings. I do not believe you are wrong in this situation. I don't care if they had to bring her in on a stretcher, hooked to an I.V. pole and a heart monitor. She should have respected the event, for what it was. You did your best to accommodate her and that still wasn't good enough, was it? If you ask me and you did, I would label it...
"SELFISH."
Why, do you think she behaved as she did? I think it was because you were stealing The SIL Show. The attention was on you and her brother and not her. You were stealing her thunder. If it hadn't happened then, it would probably have happened at another big event such as a baby shower or birth and so on. Some people just can't stand to see other people happy, either. She may be quite miserable and you know what they say, "Misery loves company." She just screwed up and drove you away. I'm quite sure, she thought she'd get her way completely. You'd feel so sorry for her, you'd crumble and she'd have you exactly where she wants you and anybody that comes in contact with her and her world. I feel bad for her husband, oh my?
The question is; How can we point all this out to her?

The Answer

I think you should edit this post, your answer here and send it to her, along with how you feel. What do you have to lose, at this point. She really needs someone, to point out that she is behaving rather childishly and with complete disregard for her brother, amongst others.

Or

You can pray for Wisdom and write her a letter. In that letter, you state that you want to end this bitter feud. I am a huge fan of writing letters. When you try to talk to someone, in a heated situation with added discomfort, the letter does not allow for them to take a defensive posture and not hear what you have to say. The added bonus, is that quite often, for many people, what they read, may sink in deeper than what they've read. This is true, especially, when they'll want to come back in a nasty way. This takes away their ammunition and render's them equalized for that moment. The way you term things, the psychology of it all, will be the key.

I would tell her that, you no longer want to keep up or fuel this chaos in the family, it has been damaging and serves no purpose(She will have to look at the whole affair and if she continues, after you've made this statement, then she is the one that is not acting on behalf of the family). You tell her, that you make this gesture for her brothers sake. You state that you no longer want strife in the family over what should have been a memorable occasion for "her" brother(emphasis is taken off of your feelings and placed on her brother and how she is treating him). You tell her, that you are trying, to be adult about this, for the sake of the family and you would hope she could do the same(She will then, hopefully look at the fact that it is not a mature stance, she has taken). Tell her, that it was never your intention to offend her but you had done all you could to accommodate her and her needs (She will have to look at the fact that you did offer her a lot of leeway and hopefully see that she was acting in a pitiful manner, using her disability to get her way). State that you want to end this long, arduous and painful feud, as you know in your heart that it is not good for the family(See, now you have made it very clear, if she continues this whole affair, she must not care how her family feels). State that you no longer want to inconvenience the family to accommodate, the two of you and a bad situation or bad blood between the two of you. Why should they suffer for a disagreement between the two of you? Can we end this, for the sake of the family and especially, "Your Brother?" Then, you say, "How can we end this?"

See, you've not apologized and you've not really given in. You've kept your dinity and served up a slice of humble pie, for you both to share, of course she'll get a much larger piece than yours cause you are not the selfish one, right, lol? I think you have detoured, the whole responsibility and the weight or burden back where it belongs. It's doubtful, she'll even realize it. If after you've written this letter and sent it to her and she does not respond in a favorable stature, you can no longer carry the burden, in any way, shape or form. You have made an attempt with no admission of guilt. It will seem that you have the best interests of the family and her brother, in your heart. If she does not respond in a favorable manner, it shows her true selfish colors and she's just a waste of time, energy and you are so much better off, without her baggage on your mind. I pray, her heart will warm and she'll be receptive and maybe even read between the lines. I pray for your wisdom and words.

This comment was sent to Aunt B via email...


Hi again Babs,

First off, I want to say I'm sorry to hear about your disabilities and

especially your sister's. It's good to know you both are doing OK and

living your lives the best ways you know how. (Too bad my sister-in-law

can't live up to examples like this). My SIL should feel lucky because,

although she is considered disabled, she can do many things that others

can't. In fact we have a mutual friend who works with individuals who

are severely handicapped (brain trauma, etc.) and said to me that Evil

One should spend a day with her on the job and then she'd realize how

good she actually has it.

With that being said, I sincerely want to thank you for your help, Babs.

I have sought the advice of others who had told me "that's life!" or to

just ignore her completely. Your advice showed me in a kind, gentle

way, how to deal with my selfish SIL. I'm glad someone sees her for the

selfish, obnoxious b!tch that she is!

Finally someone agrees with me that writing is an easier way of

communication when you need to get your point across! Thanks for

allowing me to believe that this is OK to do, and doesn't make me a

coward. I am the type of person who is afraid to communicate face to

face with someone during an argument, out of fear of not being heard,

being punished, or not having the chance to say everyting that's on my

mind. (SIL detests this form of communication, by the way- sucks to be

her, I guess!)

I wrote her a letter yesterday and emailed it to her last night. The

letter had many different versions before I was able to say exactly what

I needed to say without sounding like a snot (this was kinda hard since

I basically wanted to tell her off for good, which I never got the

chance to do.) I reread your response a few times for more guidance and

things finally started to hit home. I remembered your words "I pray for

your widsom and words" and everything started to come togther

beautifully. I showed it to my husband and he said he was really proud

of me for trying to mend the rift this caused :)

I have not heard anything from her yet, which I don't know what to think

of- it could mean either thing, that she either deleted it or is firing

back a 10 page nasty response about what an ungrateful brat I am and how

I'm directly responsible for her rapidly declining health (yes she's

used that line several times on me already and I've falled for it

before!) Hopefully, her delay in response means that she is carefully

considering the letter, her poor choices, and what she can do to end

this. But, like you advised, our letter is giving her an option to mend

this feud for the FAMILY, and if she can't see that for what it is, (and

this was clearly stated in the letter we want this to end for the

FAMILY'S sake) then she clearly doesn't care about the best interests of

the family, and we should move on.

Babs, once again I want to thank you for your guidance and continued

support. The burden this feud has created for me already seems to have

been lifted and I feal better about things already. I plan to keep you

posted on the outcomes of this, and I pray for the best as well. Please

keep up with the wonderful support. I am happy that you have shared

your gift of advice with me, and I hope you continue to help others for

many, many yers to come!