Another Rite of Passage

Hey Aunty!

I am having a big problem I can’t express it to anyone but then I thought to myself I could ask an adviser well then here it is!

This is the first year I move to my new school and its awesome but from the start I have had a crush on this boy. It started out with a crush and I thought I would get over him like any other guy that a girl has a crush on. This guy is different it’s the first time that I truly love a guy! We have so much in common, we talk on the phone a lot, we talk in school a lot, and everyone tells me that he loves me and that he flirts with me and the way he looks at me is as if he is in love with me. I agree with them but I disagree at the same time. I disagree and feel as if he doesn’t like me because he has a girlfriend she is in another school I really get annoyed when he talks about her cause I wish I was in her place. I also get annoyed cause she is a really bad girl and I am the good girl type! Like when I say good girl I mean good girl ! I really like this guy and I feel we have so much in common! This is the first time in my life that I love a guy ! He trusts me a lot I am like his best friend so I don’t really want to ruin our relationship. Please help me ! I want to be with this guy and I want us to remain together for life! I want him to be mine and all mine! I want us to be the best couple of history. ! Aunt B please help me !!! I really like this guy please help me !

Please reply as soon as possible...

Veronica !!HELP!!

Dear Veronica,

Read what Halena wrote. It is a better starting point. I am possibly jumping the gun, going to the next level...

Well, just because you are a "nice girl" does not mean you can't be assertive. It's the difference between the girls and the women, the difference between the ones who get what they need and the ones that'll only cry about it.

Now, let me point out one of the unspoken rules of thumb here; People will do to you, only what you will allow them to do. A vast number of guys would love to have their cake and eat it too. And this means that he will keep two girlfriends, only if you allow it.

Now, you can't force him to have feelings he does not for you, right? But if he does care for you as deeply as you believe, he must understand that he should treat you exactly as he'd want to be treated. If you were dating another guy, in a different school, how would he feel? Would he continue to go out with you, all the while knowing that you have another boyfriend? I'll answer that for you; It's rather doubtful that he would contend with you seeing another guy and I do believe he would let you know. It's just how the ball bounces.

I will say it again; People will do to you, only what you will allow them to do.

Being a good girl is commendable but being a pushover is not, remember this! You can always continue to be that good girl just simply make a stand, make your feelings obvious and assert what you will and will not tolerate. Always!

While it is important for people to know where you stand, it is equally important for them to know what you will not stand for.

My suggestion is for you to have a little talk with your beau and get to the core, the crux of things and where you stand. Then, you make him aware of what you will not tolerate.

Does that sound a bit stern? Maybe but it's all in the approach. As I stated before, you can't make him have certain feelings, right? You can't make him love you and you sure as heck can't make him give up his other girlfriend, now can you?

But, But, But...you can make it clear that you'd like to define things, understand where you stand with him. You can ask him to see things from your perspective and put it into terms he might see the light through;

"While I have no right or business telling you how you should feel, I do have the right to my own happiness. I will not be toyed with and I will never play second fiddle. So, I will tell you that I care a lot about you and I think you might care about me. However, would you continue to see me, talk to me on the phone and so on, fully knowing I have another boyfriend in another school?"

Another Rite of Passage

All through your life, Veronica, you must learn to assert and state your needs. You must say what needs to be said. Yes, my creed, "Say what I mean, mean what I say and try not to say it too mean, " are words to live by. This separates the women from the girls. In any relationship whether it be this one or with the man you will marry, you must always state your needs.

Never assume that your partner knows what's what. Never assume that they will always do the right thing. Sometimes you must, in stating your needs, let them know what you will or will not tolerate in that quest for everyday happiness.


More often than not, you have to put things into perspective for your guy. Just because you're in the dating phase does not mean that he can continue to see other girls. Yes, it's an extremely gray area, what's right and wrong when it comes to defining that spot where you go from a simple date to that all defining moment where you might begin to call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. So, as there's no training manual, (that I know of) or rule book with the definitions clearly stated, how bout we take a look at this?

• First of all, it says a whole lot if a guy goes out on a date with another girl when he's supposedly in an established relationship, right? Take a close look at that.

• Secondly, if the guy does go out on a date with you, even an unofficial date and he calls you more than once, I would tend to think he likes you. If he continues to talk to you, continues to call, you've gone well beyond that first stage of dating. I do believe you have what might be called an "established relationship."

• Third, in an established relationship, where a guy is, for a lack of better words, "courting you," it says a whole lot if you allow him, knowingly, to continue entertaining you as well as another girl. It reads loud and clear, that you will allow it.

• Lastly, your guy is not a mind reader, is he? Since I don't believe he is, you will have to plainly state that you are not the kind of girl that will tolerate two-timing. In other words, you must clearly state your right to happiness. In that right, you tell him while you realize that you can't make him do anything, say anything and you surely can't make him feel something that is not there, if he does have any semblance of feelings for you, you are not the kind of girl that will allow a guy to two-time her.

Yes, you make it crystal clear that you are not asking him to choose. You make it more than clear though, that it's all up to him but he should not call you or talk to you if he wants to see this other girl. You state that it's not fair to either of you, now is it?

Here's the clincher, as the plot thickens; Once you have stated how you feel and he does not stop seeing her, talking to her, courting her, entertaining her, etc. etc. then it is a statement as to his own values and beliefs. It will be more than clear that he wants his cake and to eat it too; two girlfriends.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Dear Veronica,

I would continue being his good friend. Then, start off with a simple touch here and there and gauge his response. As in, let's say you're sitting next to him and you are laughing and you touch his arm or back and see how he acts. That is kind of intimate but also innocent. Then, watch his reaction because there will probably be a reaction. If he thinks nothing of it, do it again and again but not too much so he won't feel uncomfortable, just in case.

If he seems receptive, next time try playfully putting your arm around him, around his waist or neck and then see what happens. You have to make it innocent, not being pushy or like you have an agenda as you don't want to ruin your friendship. By the way, every great relationship, long term, starts off in friendship first.

After doing this, it may make him think as to who he wants to be with, you or her? It might also help him to make his move, knowing that you two are into each other. If all else fails, knowing that you can still be his best friend, be waiting in the wings for that opportunity, if he breaks up with her.

On Your Side,

Halena

Right to Happiness

This is a new letter, an Update from this question posted as;

What's The Real Deal

Dear Aunt Babz,

I wanted to update you, and possibly get some more advice on this situation (all included below).

Right after Kate and I had the conversation about "what are we?" and she told me that she doesn't want anything serious and all that, I went out with friends, drank a lot, and ended up making out w/ some girl. The next day, Kate called me wanting to know how my night went and I said that I had drank and did something stupid. She wanted to know what and I told her I made out with some girl. She starting asking if I liked this girl, if the girl was cute, etc. I told her no I didnt like this girl and she was kind of cute. Anyways...
Kate asked me to visit her the following weekend, so I did. Kate and I ended up having sex, sober...Kate initiated it. Now she had been the one all along who said "girls can't just have sex."

That was all in early December. Now it's mid-February and we have still be having sex every two weeks when I go visit her. She brought me to her familys estate for a week and we had a fantastic time together. When we left and she went back to her hometown and I went back to mine (in separate states), she wouldnt talk to me for four days. And when she finally did get in touch w/ me, she was annoyed that I was upset that she hadn't talked to me. I had never asked what was going on or anything, i just had sent her a text during those four days asking how she was (because she had been really stressed w/ work). She said "we aren't girlfriends and I dont have to answer to you." I told her that i had just been asking how she was because i care about her. i then told her that im emotionally invested and i wanted to know if she felt the same. she called me the next day and told me that she does not want a girlfriend. she said she doesnt want to have to answer to anyone. blah blah blah. she never said whether or not she has feelings for me.

here's the kicker tho...

my mom works for the airlines and has put both kate and her cousin on her flight benefits list, so they can fly for next to nothing now. i sort of feel like maybe kate is stringing me along in order to use these benefits...?

but she still wants to have sex with me, and she still wants to hang out and have me come visit her.

but i feel like im maybe being used.

and ive fallen in love with her, so it hurts.

i even bought her aretha franklin concert tickets because thats her dream concert. i didnt tell her what the tickets were for, except that they are on valentines day. before i bought the tickets i asked her to be sure that she was free on the days around and on valentines day. she agreed. but now that i bought the tickets and all of the above happened w/ me telling her how i feel about her, she suddenly is saying she has to work on that night. but she says i can come visit the day after if i want. she wants me to come there to go out to clubs and have sex with me. but no strings attached of course.

it all is so painful. and i really care about her and its so hard to walk away from all of this. i dont want to be the bad guy and tell her she cant fly on my moms benefits anymore. i dont want to lose her completely. i would still like to salvage a friendship, but i have no idea how to begin. if i visit her, ill be expected to sleep in bed with her, have sex with her, hold her, etc. but it hurts to bad to do that if i know she doesn't love me back. does that make sense?

where do i go from here? im in pain and im so confused.
what should i do?

thanks so much

-megan

Dear Megan,

I would welcome you to read, again, the post written to you, prior to this. It still applies to this situation. You've just not incorporated it into your systems thinking.

I dare say, this is not a functional relationship. In all this time, it does not seem as if that relationship has grown, really. She may be giving you a few more times together but you seem just as perplexed and confused as you were before.

The key here, the thing to realize is that we can not make others feel the emotions we want them to have. The only control we have in any relationship is to draw a line in the sand and state what we will and will not allow in that relationship. Even if it is only a mental note, to ourselves, we must ask ourselves if we are happy in a stagnated situation? Are you happy? I think not or you'd not be writing me, huh?

Thus far we can accumulate a slew of situations and scenarios that are not ideal, not conducive to your happiness, right? You must make a mental list of those things that you are not happy with. Then, you must ask yourself if you would be afforded any change if you were to mention them? Somehow, I do not believe that your girlfriend would accommodate you in that change. Why? Because I don't think she wants to give you more than this. She has chosen to behave this way and you have allowed her.

Now, I am not implying you are some kind of imbecile that has allowed someone to walk all over you. It couldn't be further from the truth. What I am stating is that I believe you have bent your own personal "rules" your boundaries concerning what you will allow. Yes, I believe you have bent to near breaking.

I think it all comes down to what you will allow to happen in this relationship? Let me remind you that you have a Right to Happiness. You must begin to exercise this right. You must ask yourself what it will take to make you happy. It is important for you to set some semblance of a goal as to where you expect this relationship to go. Then, you must ask yourself, with brutal honesty; Will it ever culminate, propagate or most of all be a fruitful situation?

You wrote me approximately 3 months ago. How have things changed since then? Have they changed at all and if they did, how did it come about? What I mean is, the thinking behind the scenario. Did your girlfriend do anything differently? Did you say anything that brought about a change? If there was any change at all? Once again, ask yourself, did you bend to make her happy? Did you over look your happiness or even your definition or rules of happiness?

As Janet says, "What have you done for me lately?" Is this a one sided relationship? Right now you are saying, "No, she does stuff for me!" But what I mean is is she as giving in this relationship as you are or is she simply calling the shots, playing the cards as she wants to play them, her rules, her card table and you just follow suit?

Riddle Me This? Since you are not happy as things stand, do you think things will ever change, if and when you mention the fact that you need more? If you can not find it within yourself to speak to her, thinking you'll not get the desired response, I do believe this answers your question?