Friday, February 22, 2008

Right to Happiness

This is a new letter, an Update from this question posted as;

Dear Aunt Babz,

I wanted to update you, and possibly get some more advice on this situation (all included below).

Right after Kate and I had the conversation about "what are we?" and she told me that she doesn't want anything serious and all that, I went out with friends, drank a lot, and ended up making out w/ some girl. The next day, Kate called me wanting to know how my night went and I said that I had drank and did something stupid. She wanted to know what and I told her I made out with some girl. She starting asking if I liked this girl, if the girl was cute, etc. I told her no I didnt like this girl and she was kind of cute. Anyways...
Kate asked me to visit her the following weekend, so I did. Kate and I ended up having sex, sober...Kate initiated it. Now she had been the one all along who said "girls can't just have sex."

That was all in early December. Now it's mid-February and we have still be having sex every two weeks when I go visit her. She brought me to her familys estate for a week and we had a fantastic time together. When we left and she went back to her hometown and I went back to mine (in separate states), she wouldnt talk to me for four days. And when she finally did get in touch w/ me, she was annoyed that I was upset that she hadn't talked to me. I had never asked what was going on or anything, i just had sent her a text during those four days asking how she was (because she had been really stressed w/ work). She said "we aren't girlfriends and I dont have to answer to you." I told her that i had just been asking how she was because i care about her. i then told her that im emotionally invested and i wanted to know if she felt the same. she called me the next day and told me that she does not want a girlfriend. she said she doesnt want to have to answer to anyone. blah blah blah. she never said whether or not she has feelings for me.

here's the kicker tho...

my mom works for the airlines and has put both kate and her cousin on her flight benefits list, so they can fly for next to nothing now. i sort of feel like maybe kate is stringing me along in order to use these benefits...?

but she still wants to have sex with me, and she still wants to hang out and have me come visit her.

but i feel like im maybe being used.

and ive fallen in love with her, so it hurts.

i even bought her aretha franklin concert tickets because thats her dream concert. i didnt tell her what the tickets were for, except that they are on valentines day. before i bought the tickets i asked her to be sure that she was free on the days around and on valentines day. she agreed. but now that i bought the tickets and all of the above happened w/ me telling her how i feel about her, she suddenly is saying she has to work on that night. but she says i can come visit the day after if i want. she wants me to come there to go out to clubs and have sex with me. but no strings attached of course.

it all is so painful. and i really care about her and its so hard to walk away from all of this. i dont want to be the bad guy and tell her she cant fly on my moms benefits anymore. i dont want to lose her completely. i would still like to salvage a friendship, but i have no idea how to begin. if i visit her, ill be expected to sleep in bed with her, have sex with her, hold her, etc. but it hurts to bad to do that if i know she doesn't love me back. does that make sense?

where do i go from here? im in pain and im so confused.
what should i do?

thanks so much


Dear Megan,

I would welcome you to read, again, the post written to you, prior to this. It still applies to this situation. You've just not incorporated it into your systems thinking.

I dare say, this is not a functional relationship. In all this time, it does not seem as if that relationship has grown, really. She may be giving you a few more times together but you seem just as perplexed and confused as you were before.

The key here, the thing to realize is that we can not make others feel the emotions we want them to have. The only control we have in any relationship is to draw a line in the sand and state what we will and will not allow in that relationship. Even if it is only a mental note, to ourselves, we must ask ourselves if we are happy in a stagnated situation? Are you happy? I think not or you'd not be writing me, huh?

Thus far we can accumulate a slew of situations and scenarios that are not ideal, not conducive to your happiness, right? You must make a mental list of those things that you are not happy with. Then, you must ask yourself if you would be afforded any change if you were to mention them? Somehow, I do not believe that your girlfriend would accommodate you in that change. Why? Because I don't think she wants to give you more than this. She has chosen to behave this way and you have allowed her.

Now, I am not implying you are some kind of imbecile that has allowed someone to walk all over you. It couldn't be further from the truth. What I am stating is that I believe you have bent your own personal "rules" your boundaries concerning what you will allow. Yes, I believe you have bent to near breaking.

I think it all comes down to what you will allow to happen in this relationship? Let me remind you that you have a Right to Happiness. You must begin to exercise this right. You must ask yourself what it will take to make you happy. It is important for you to set some semblance of a goal as to where you expect this relationship to go. Then, you must ask yourself, with brutal honesty; Will it ever culminate,
propagate or most of all be a fruitful situation?

You wrote me approximately 3 months ago. How have things changed since then? Have they changed at all and if they did, how did it come about? What I mean is, the thinking behind the scenario. Did your girlfriend do anything differently? Did you say anything that brought about a change? If there was any change at all? Once again, ask yourself, did you bend to make her happy? Did you over look your happiness or even your definition or rules of happiness?

As Janet says, "What have you done for me lately?" Is this a one sided relationship? Right now you are saying, "No, she does stuff for me!" But what I mean is is she as giving in this relationship as you are or is she simply calling the shots, playing the cards as she wants to play them, her rules, her card table and you just follow suit?

Riddle Me This? Since you are not happy as things stand, do you think things will ever change, if and when you mention the fact that you need more? If you can not find it within yourself to speak to her, thinking you'll not get the desired response, I do believe this answers your question?

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