Dear Aunt Babz,
I don't really know who else to turn to, so I figured I'd give this a try..
I have a lot that I have been keeping inside for a very long time that I need to get off my chest, so sorry if this is immensely long..
I'm 18, I have been with this guy Jeffrey for about 2 years now, and I couldn't possibly be more in love with him. We're engaged, and I couldn't be happier. But at the same time, I couldn't be more miserable. That probably makes no sense, but I will explain.
I think he is bi-polar, actually I'm about 99% sure of it. And he has a bad anger problem. Certain things just make him snap, little things that wouldn't normally make a person angry. And if I try to calm him down or talk to him about it, all he does is get more and more angry every time I open my mouth, so I have to sit there and listen to him yell at me for an hour without saying a word. But every time he calms down, he apologizes, realizes he shouldn't have talked to me like that, or even been mad at me in the first place because I did nothing wrong. He would never physically hurt me, that I am sure of, but he feels the need to threaten me all the time, and he calls me every name he can think of and its really hurtful, even though I know he doesn't mean it.
And one thing that concerns me is, he is a gun fanatic. He loves them, mainly because his dad (who passed away a couple years ago) loved them. He is the most sensitive guy I have ever met. And sometimes he takes things I say completely the wrong way, and he completely loses it. Usually he misunderstands what I say because his hearing isn't the greatest, or he just takes it wrong. But no matter how mean he is to me sometimes, never under any circumstance would I ever purposely hurt him. I couldn't do it even if I wanted to, because it's just how I am. But when he takes things the wrong way, it hurts him, a lot, and he loses it and tells me he's going to shoot himself, and usually we're on the phone, and he hangs up on me, and I live 40 minutes away from him, so I'm left worried sick. And there have been times where he has put a gun to his head right in front of me. And, yes, there have been times where he's gotten so mad at me he has put a gun to my head too. But it was never loaded, he was just trying to scare me I think.
I don't know if he is serious when he does that stuff, or if he's always just trying to scare me or make me feel bad for making him 'suicidal'. I personally don't think he would ever shoot himself or anyone (unless we broke up.. I know it sounds sort of conceited, but it's the truth), but it still worries me. He has flat out told me that when he threatens me he is trying to scare me, because he wants me to know that he is serious about whatever stupid thing he's mad about. He does realize afterwords he was wrong and he'll apologize to me about it for the next week.
He also always tells me that it's not my fault, he's just stressed out because his mom gives him a hard time a lot, and he's having a hard time getting a job. And when he's frustrated like that he takes it out on the first person he talks to, which 99.9% of the time is me.
To be honest, he doesn't scare me, that's not my problem at all. I mean, at first, yeah it scared me because I didn't know him as well as I do now. He tries all the time to scare me though when he's angry, he'll talk in this deep creepy voice, threaten me, and it goes on and on. But I know he really loves me and doesn't mean it, which is why I'm not afraid of him. Even when he put a gun to my head (which he has done on 3 occasions) I didn't even flinch.
Another thing is, he has a hard time trusting me, even though I've never done anything wrong. I've only been in 2 other relationships in my entire life, and they both turned into friendships. They were both really nice guys, but there was just no spark. One I never even kissed, and the other we never kissed for more than like half a second, and I was with both of them for over a year. So obviously I was a virgin when I met him. I am not the cheating type, I don't even think about other guys, because I only want to be with Jeffrey. I am 100% loyal. But for some reason, he always thinks I'm going to cheat on him, or that I'm lying to him about things, or sometimes if I take a minute to answer the phone he thinks I have some guy over. And I think the reason is because he's dated a lot of girls, and every one of them ended up hurting him. One accused him of raping her when I know for a fact he didn't because she told the cops 3 different stories, and she kept giggling, and that girl is always in trouble with the police, besides that she's.. well.. a moron. Jeffrey would never do that. But every single one of his ex-girlfriends either cheated on him, or broke up with him for something stupid. And they were all really slutty. It's his own self esteem problem. Also a lot of girls have told him that he was ugly, which I don't think he is at all. And not to sound conceited, but I've been told a lot that I'm pretty. He thinks that he's not good enough for me or something. And I tell him all the time that he is. I said I don't think he's ugly I actually find him incredibly attractive, which I tell him all the time, but that doesn't matter to me, looks shouldn't matter in a relationship, and he agrees. But sometimes he starts thinking about that stuff and he convinces himself that I'm just messing with him. Well after 2 years, and being engaged for a while now too, I'm pretty sure everyone knows that neither one of us is messing around.
I also have no friends now (not that I had many in the first place, not exactly the social type), but some of them weren't because of him, some of them changed a lot, or moved away. But I don't talk to or hang out with anyone but him, and to be honest it doesn't really bother me that much, even though it should. I guess sometimes it does though. He doesn't hang out with other people that much, but he still does sometimes. And some of them are girls that he has known for a long time, and I do trust him. But what bothers me, is that I know that if I were to hang out with anyone, girl or guy, he'd get pissed off and feel like I was blowing him off, even though we talk a lot every single day, I'm over there every weekend, and usually one day during the week. I remember once when we first started going out, actually the third day we were together.. Me and one of my friends had made plans 2 weeks before I even met him to go to Six Flags. I didn't invite him because he and I had made plans to go there together the next week, and besides that I know the two of them wouldn't get along, very different personalities. Basically she would get on his nerves. So we went, and he made no indication that it bothered him. About 2 months later was when he started letting his anger out around me. He brought that up and said that it was really selfish of me to go because he wanted to hang out with me that day, even though I told him the first day we met I had plans. That just an example of the stupid things he gets mad about. He doesn't tell me when something bothers him, he expects me to be able to read his mind.
Another problem is, well I said we are engaged, so obviously we have plans to spend the rest of our lives together. my parents are extremely strict. His mom is far from strict. He doesn't understand that I can't just bug my parents and get whatever I want. I just got my license about a month ago, which I wanted when I was 16. I wanted a job when I was 16 too, but I still have never worked a day in my life. Reason being, my parents. My mom mainly. She is incredibly lazy and selfish. My dad works his butt off to support the 3 of us, and all she ever does is complain. She thinks I don't do anything around the house, when usually I do everything around the house. She kept me from getting my license and a job because she wants me to stay there forever and take care of her, and keep her company since my dad is always working. But enough about my mom, her I can deal with.
Like I said before, it is a 40 minute drive from my house to Jeffrey's. So usually, my mom drops me off at his house, and he takes me home. I feel bad about it because he doesn't have a job either (which I will get to that in a minute), and gas prices have gone waaayyy up. But he always insists he doesn't care, he wants to see me, and he doesn't mind driving all the time. Until he has to take me home, then he starts going on about how I'm 'lazy' and he's sick of driving all the time. We have both been desperately trying to find jobs. Well I have anyway. But since my mom won't take me out to look, I have to rely on the computer to find one. I can't drive myself because I don't have a car. With him, he can talk his mom into anything, she lets him walk all over her. But he doesn't understand that I can't do that with my parents. He treats his mom the same way he does me, he's always yelling at her, but she always gives in to whatever it is he wants. So back to my original point, we want to get married, but that is going to have to wait until we can afford it. His mom will let me move in with them for a while as long as I have a job, a car and some money saved up. And he blames me for the delay. He thinks I'm not pushing my mom enough, but I can't force her to do anything. But the reality is, if it's anyone's fault it's his. His mom really needs him to help out with expenses, because since his dad died she's been giving him everything he wanted. Now they're having serious money problems. And this has been going on for a year, and he still has not gotten a job. He has looked on occasion, but he's not really trying. I've tried to push him to look too, but he just gets irritated because he thinks I nag him all the time. I know he wants to get a job, but he won't settle for something unless it pays a lot and has great benefits, and its something he would do for the rest of his life. He is 19, and he hasn't held a job for more than 3 months. And that was just one job, the other ones weren't more than 2 weeks. And next year he wants to go to school to be a gunsmith (go figure), and he's going to have to move out of state, and I am going with him. But the only way that is going to happen is if he gets a job, any job. He will not listen to me, or his mother, or anyone. He expects everyone to do everything for him, since that's what he's used to. I don't understand what's going on in his head, because he won't talk to me about it. I think it might be because he doesn't think he's smart enough (he does have a slight learning disability, but he is actually very intelligent). He didn't do that great in school, and he thinks its because he's stupid, but it's because he didn't care about it. He didn't try.
Well I think I've said enough about the bad things. If I were to talk to anyone else about this, they would freak out and tell me to break up with him. And by now you're probably thinking the same thing. While he may sometimes be, well lets just admit it, a complete ass, there is an entirely different side to him. He doesn't always get mad at me, usually he's incredibly sweet. He's always there for me, and he's helped me through a lot of things. He's never pressured me to do anything I didn't want to, like most guys do. We have so much in common, and when we're actually together (not on the phone) he hardly ever gets mad, we never 'fight' (not including when he's in one of his moods), we never run out of things to say, we tell each other everything, and we generally have an amazing relationship besides the anger thing. He's very protective of me, and I feel safe with him. He's very open and honest with me (except for why he won't get a job.. he claims he doesn't know), he shares every thought and feeling he has with me, he's not afraid to be himself in front of me, he's not afraid to cry in front of me, he doesn't go a day without making me feel loved and like I mean the world to him, he doesn't lie to me, I know he'd never cheat on me, because he's not that kind of person. And I could go on and on about all of this, but obviously that's not my problem and you're probably already getting tired of reading all of this. I love him, I have since the first day I met him, and I never personally believed that was possible, but it happened. We just had this instant connection. What my problem is, is that I don't understand how he can tell me he loves me more than anything in the world, he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, I mean the world to him, and again I could go on and on, but he sometimes treats me as if I mean nothing to him. Yet he always apologizes for it until he knows I'm ok.
There is no one I'd rather be with, and absolutely nothing could make me break up with him, I would honestly rather die. And I know if I were to tell anyone I know that, they would just say I'm young and I just think I'm in love but I'm really not, and he's just using me for sex, and if I marry him I'll regret it for the rest of my life. But I know how I feel, and I know that my feelings for him are real, and I know his are too. I can't explain how exactly I know, I just do. I feel like he and I are meant to be together. When I'm with him and he's not in one of his psychotic moods, I don't even think about it. I feel so incredibly happy. But when he is in one of those moods, I find myself thinking of ways to kill myself, and there have been times I've seriously considered it. I'd never do it, but I'm just sick of having these thoughts. Like last night he was driving me home and as usual, he was complaining about how I'm lazy and he claims he's not going to drive anymore, and he kept going on and on, and the whole time I'm thinking 'we're on the highway.. there's a semi behind us going 65.. all I have to do is open the door and jump'.. like I said I'd never do it, but I don't know what to do anymore. His mom has tried to get him professional help, but talking didn't work, and he was on medication for a while, and that really did help him. He never got angry once when he was on it. Just occasionally got a tiny bit irritated. But it was affecting his sleep so now he refuses to take it, and he refuses to get help. And now it's worse because you're not supposed to just stop taking that stuff. I don't want to leave him. And I know if I did, he would kill himself. That would make him totally snap. But that's not even the reason. I love him too much. But I can't even stand up for myself when he gets angry. Sometimes I do, but I am extremely shy and quiet. I'm not shy with him, but I couldn't yell at him if I wanted to. I want to be angry with him, but I can't be because I know he doesn't mean to hurt me. And I'm so lost and confused I feel like I'm losing my mind because I'm holding so much inside. I have anxiety, which he has made worse, and plus I have bad asthma and allergies and such, so I'm not exactly healthy, and sometimes he gets me so upset I pass out. I'm taking medicine for it now and I haven't passed out in a few months, but I've come close. It's like no matter what I do for him, it isn't good enough. He tells me he wants me to help him, and I try, but either I'm doing it wrong, or it's not good enough. He wants me to start helping out around the house more since I'm there so much, and I do. But it's not enough. He tells me I'm not affectionate enough (which he doesn't understand no one in my entire life has ever shown me affection, the couple boyfriends I had didn't pay any attention to me at all, and neither does my family), But I've grown to understand what it takes to be in a relationship, and now I am very affectionate with him, but it's not enough apparently because he still tells me all the time I'm not affectionate. And this is a bit embarrassing and on the personal side, but oh well.. We do have sex, what I consider to be a lot. And while I do enjoy it a lot, I have endometriosis, and sometimes it hurts because of it. it's so painful that I almost pass out, and I have to stop. But I can never tell when its going to happen. And I'm always worried about it, and he thinks that I think he's not good enough, or that he's not.. pleasuring me..which he does.. And I'm not exactly that educated in that field, meaning I don't know how normal people act while having intercourse.. (I don't watch much tv lol) And like I said, I'm a very quiet person (though by now you're probably thinking 'God, does this girl ever shut up' lol) And I don't uhh... exactly moan at the top of my lungs.. I do, just not loudly.. and again, he thinks its because of him, he doesn't understand that its just how I am.. I don't know if that's normal or not.. but I'm not going to force myself to.. And to be honest, sex is somewhat important, but it's not the most important thing in the world, and he thinks the same. I know, weird, he's a guy it should be the only thing on his mind, but I told you he's not like most guys, that's what I love about him. He's not one to go around telling his friends about it, even if they ask him about it he tells them to back off because that's personal, he doesn't try and make me do things I don't want to do, etc. So none of that is the problem.. He just makes me feel bad about having Endometriosis, and not being able to handle the pain. I think he thinks that I exaggerate the pain, but I don't. But enough about that topic..
Emotionally, I am ready to get married.. and he insists that he is too, but I honestly don't think he is, he's naive, he thinks that everything is just going to fall into place for him and he's not going to have to work for the things he wants in life. He can be very immature too. And I believe that I am mature for my age, I've been told that many times.. But if I were to tell him that, he'd just get mad at me. And now, all I ever do is try not to make him mad because I can't take it anymore..
Wow I've typed a lot, and I think I've gotten everything I needed out. I just really need someones opinion and advice who will tell me exactly what they think, and please be blunt if you wish.. I'm just confused and seriously losing my mind.. Thank you for your time..
~Anonymous~
Dear Anonymous,
Sometimes I really try to make things sound a lot better then they are. But in this case, I don’t think that would do you a lick of good. So you get the brutal truth. Are you ready for it?
You are not emotionally ready to get married, and neither is he. Someone who is emotionally ready to get married doesn’t have all these drawbacks and inabilities to cope… never mind that neither of you are employed or living away from your parents. You both are simply not ready.
And that is really a great thing, because you both need some serious help. Really, you know that this is true. You are in a highly destructive and volatile relationship, and what you are feeling is ”love”…. It’s this guy “loving you so much he would kill himself”. That’s all that is; you think that is what love is, to be so unconcerned for your own life when in regards for your partner. But it is not, I assure you. It’s wanting nothing bad to happen to your partner, and never wanting to cause them pain. And he is causing you great pain, and not getting the help he needs.
People who are in love do not point guns at each other.
People who are in love do not ignore pain, especially during sexual intercourse.
People who are in love do not think about killing themselves because of the “mood” partners are in.
People who are in love do not treat each other the way you two do.
Have you not noticed that in your letter every single thing you started to say that was good had a condition on it??? Look at this:
“But he always insists he doesn't care, he wants to see me, and he doesn't mind driving all the time. Until he has to take me home, then he starts going on about how I'm "lazy" and he's sick of driving all the time.”
“But what bothers me, is that I know that if I were to hang out with anyone, girl or guy, he'd get pissed off and feel like I was blowing him off, even though we talk a lot every single day, I'm over there every weekend, and usually one day during the week”
“And if I try to calm him down or talk to him about it, all he does is get more and more angry every time I open my mouth, so I have to sit there and listen to him yell at me for an hour without saying a word. But every time he calms down, he apologizes, realizes he shouldn't have talked to me like that, or even been mad at me in the first place because I did nothing wrong.”
“He is the most sensitive guy I have ever met. And sometimes he takes things I say completely the wrong way, and he completely loses it. Usually he misunderstands what I say because his hearing isn't the greatest, or he just takes it wrong. But no matter how mean he is to me sometimes, never under any circumstance would I ever purposely hurt him. I couldn't do it even if I wanted to, because it's just how I am. But when he takes things the wrong way, it hurts him, a lot, and he loses it and tells me he's going to shoot himself, and usually we're on the phone, and he hangs up on me, and I live 40 minutes away from him, so I'm left worried sick. And there have been times where he has put a gun to his head right in front of me. And, yes, there have been times where he's gotten so mad at me he has put a gun to my head too. But it was never loaded, he was just trying to scare me I think.”
And the flags for you, oh my god girl. Do you not see these????
*One accused him of raping her when I know for a fact he didn't because she told the cops 3 different stories, and she kept giggling, and that girl is always in trouble with the police, besides that she's.. well.. a moron.
*And, yes, there have been times where he's gotten so mad at me he has put a gun to my head too. But it was never loaded, he was just trying to scare me I think.
*We're engaged, and I couldn't be happier. But at the same time, I couldn't be more miserable.
*Another thing is, he has a hard time trusting me, even though I've never done anything wrong
*I also have no friends now (not that I had many in the first place, not exactly the social type), but some of them weren't because of him
*What my problem is, is that I don't understand how he can tell me he loves me more than anything in the world, he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, I mean the world to him, and again I could go on and on, but he sometimes treats me as if I mean nothing to him
*I don't want to leave him. And I know if I did, he would kill himself. That would make him totally snap.
*He just makes me feel bad about having Endometriosis, and not being able to handle the pain. I think he thinks that I exaggerate the pain, but I don’t
Girl. I don’t know what it is you want here. But you NEED to get help! Read your own letter! I am not trying to rip apart the parts that are really bad and leaving the “good” stuff. There was nothing good to quote in this! These are the flags and signals of truly disturbed people and your Jeffery is one of them. He needs help to overcome what ever it is that makes him so destructive and angry. And you need help to clear your mind and to see this for what it really is – trouble.
I have no doubt in my head that if you two were to leave now and get married that you would end up killing each other, committing suicide or getting beaten. Absolutely no doubt in my mind, that something truly horrific would come of this. And the part that scares me the most? Is that you do not see this monstrosity of a relationship for what it is, and the danger you are putting yourself in.
I know that this was brutal to read, but somehow I didn’t think sugar coating it or using psychological jargon would work with you. You claim that people say you are mature for your age. Prove it. Do not get married right now you are both not ready. If you go into this marriage with all of this baggage and unresolved issues and hurt and discourteousness you will regret this for the rest of your life. Get help; you need to clear your mind. Ask him to get help. And see what happens from there.
I seriously hope that you take this advice, and get the help you need. If you need help to find someone to talk to, let us know where you live and we will find it. Please do this; this is your life we are talking about, and that is not a commodity to give up lightly.
Take care of yourself. Be careful.
~Xmichra~
Dear Anonymous,
No wonder you seem mature for your age: you have clearly been through
(and are going through) so much in your life already. And you're
perceptive enough to have identified the source of unhappiness in your
relationship: Your fiancé has a currently untreated mental illness.
And although he may love you and treat you well most of the time, this
mental illness sometimes causes him to become angry and abusive. Yes,
abusive.
I know Jeffrey doesn't hit you or hurt you physically, but abuse
doesn't have to be physical. It's verbally and emotionally abusive to
yell at you for an hour, to call you names, to threaten you, to make
you feel you can't have other friendships, to try to scare you and to
hold a gun to your head (even if it isn't loaded). It's abuse even if
he loves you, even if he doesn't mean it, even if he's really sorry,
even if he doesn't want to hurt you, even if you don't want any other
friends right now, even if his mental illness is making him behave in
ways he doesn't want to. It's human to be angry, frustrated and
stressed at times, but healthy, mature adults can handle those
emotions without becoming abusive. For the situation to really
improve, Jeffrey will have to get the help he needs, and you can't
force him to do that.
In spite of that, I'm not here to tell you to leave. I know you don't
want to, and can't, leave him now. You are looking for a way to fix
the parts of your relationship that are broken without leaving, and
there are steps you can take and things you can work on yourself that
will help you improve your life and your relationships.
It is difficult to make any relationship work, but it's much harder to
make a relationship work when your partner suffers from a mental
illness, especially one that is untreated. It sounds like you have a
lot of love between you, and you both are clearly filling needs for
each other. But while love is important in making a relationship
work, it's not enough. Even in a relationship with a mentally healthy
person, you need mutual respect and good communication skills in
addition to love. And when you are in a relationship with someone who
is mentally ill, you need even more than that: you need the tools,
knowledge and help to deal with the illness.
You know that what you've tried so far to handle Jeffrey's rage is not
working. You've been doing the only thing you know how to, but you've
been trying to do the impossible: to do everything so perfectly that
he won't become angry. And it's making you crazy with anxiety that
you can't control everything in the world to ensure that nothing ever
disturbs him, that you can't ensure that he won't ever misunderstand
you, that you can't make him believe that you love him and don't want
to hurt him.
There are people and organizations that can help you. There is a group
to help partners of those with anger problems learn healthy ways to
handle those problems. There are therapists who can help you, and a
school or workplace could help you get in touch with them. You can
also call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE
(7233). In addition to supporting people who are being physically
abused, they offer support to those who are being verbally and
emotionally abused.
Unfortunately, the fact that you are living at home, and presumably no
longer in school, may make accessing some of this help a bit more
difficult. Just as a practical matter, having a job and your own
transportation will help you get the help you need. Is there public
transportation or taxi service available in your area? Is there an
adult in your life, other than your mother, who could help you find
transportation or a job? Your father, an aunt or uncle, an older
cousin, a friend, a former teacher or school counselor?
a brave woman in a difficult situation and I will be thinking of you.
All My Best,
Dear Aunt Babz,
Dear Anonymous, 
Dear Anonymous,
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