Dear Aunt Babz,
Sometimes I really try to make things sound a lot better then they are. But in this case, I don’t think that would do you a lick of good. So you get the brutal truth. Are you ready for it?
You are not emotionally ready to get married, and neither is he. Someone who is emotionally ready to get married doesn’t have all these drawbacks and inabilities to cope… never mind that neither of you are employed or living away from your parents. You both are simply not ready.
And that is really a great thing, because you both need some serious help. Really, you know that this is true. You are in a highly destructive and volatile relationship, and what you are feeling is ”love”…. It’s this guy “loving you so much he would kill himself”. That’s all that is; you think that is what love is, to be so unconcerned for your own life when in regards for your partner. But it is not, I assure you. It’s wanting nothing bad to happen to your partner, and never wanting to cause them pain. And he is causing you great pain, and not getting the help he needs.
People who are in love do not point guns at each other.
People who are in love do not ignore pain, especially during sexual intercourse.
People who are in love do not think about killing themselves because of the “mood” partners are in.
People who are in love do not treat each other the way you two do.
Have you not noticed that in your letter every single thing you started to say that was good had a condition on it??? Look at this:
“But he always insists he doesn't care, he wants to see me, and he doesn't mind driving all the time. Until he has to take me home, then he starts going on about how I'm "lazy" and he's sick of driving all the time.”
“But what bothers me, is that I know that if I were to hang out with anyone, girl or guy, he'd get pissed off and feel like I was blowing him off, even though we talk a lot every single day, I'm over there every weekend, and usually one day during the week”
“And if I try to calm him down or talk to him about it, all he does is get more and more angry every time I open my mouth, so I have to sit there and listen to him yell at me for an hour without saying a word. But every time he calms down, he apologizes, realizes he shouldn't have talked to me like that, or even been mad at me in the first place because I did nothing wrong.”
“He is the most sensitive guy I have ever met. And sometimes he takes things I say completely the wrong way, and he completely loses it. Usually he misunderstands what I say because his hearing isn't the greatest, or he just takes it wrong. But no matter how mean he is to me sometimes, never under any circumstance would I ever purposely hurt him. I couldn't do it even if I wanted to, because it's just how I am. But when he takes things the wrong way, it hurts him, a lot, and he loses it and tells me he's going to shoot himself, and usually we're on the phone, and he hangs up on me, and I live 40 minutes away from him, so I'm left worried sick. And there have been times where he has put a gun to his head right in front of me. And, yes, there have been times where he's gotten so mad at me he has put a gun to my head too. But it was never loaded, he was just trying to scare me I think.”
And the flags for you, oh my god girl. Do you not see these????
*One accused him of raping her when I know for a fact he didn't because she told the cops 3 different stories, and she kept giggling, and that girl is always in trouble with the police, besides that she's.. well.. a moron.
*And, yes, there have been times where he's gotten so mad at me he has put a gun to my head too. But it was never loaded, he was just trying to scare me I think.
*We're engaged, and I couldn't be happier. But at the same time, I couldn't be more miserable.
*Another thing is, he has a hard time trusting me, even though I've never done anything wrong
*I also have no friends now (not that I had many in the first place, not exactly the social type), but some of them weren't because of him
*What my problem is, is that I don't understand how he can tell me he loves me more than anything in the world, he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, I mean the world to him, and again I could go on and on, but he sometimes treats me as if I mean nothing to him
*I don't want to leave him. And I know if I did, he would kill himself. That would make him totally snap.
*He just makes me feel bad about having Endometriosis, and not being able to handle the pain. I think he thinks that I exaggerate the pain, but I don’t
Girl. I don’t know what it is you want here. But you NEED to get help! Read your own letter! I am not trying to rip apart the parts that are really bad and leaving the “good” stuff. There was nothing good to quote in this! These are the flags and signals of truly disturbed people and your Jeffery is one of them. He needs help to overcome what ever it is that makes him so destructive and angry. And you need help to clear your mind and to see this for what it really is – trouble.
I have no doubt in my head that if you two were to leave now and get married that you would end up killing each other, committing suicide or getting beaten. Absolutely no doubt in my mind, that something truly horrific would come of this. And the part that scares me the most? Is that you do not see this monstrosity of a relationship for what it is, and the danger you are putting yourself in.
I know that this was brutal to read, but somehow I didn’t think sugar coating it or using psychological jargon would work with you. You claim that people say you are mature for your age. Prove it. Do not get married right now you are both not ready. If you go into this marriage with all of this baggage and unresolved issues and hurt and discourteousness you will regret this for the rest of your life. Get help; you need to clear your mind. Ask him to get help. And see what happens from there.
I seriously hope that you take this advice, and get the help you need. If you need help to find someone to talk to, let us know where you live and we will find it. Please do this; this is your life we are talking about, and that is not a commodity to give up lightly.
Take care of yourself. Be careful.