Monday, February 25, 2008

100% Ownership

This is an Update from;

Dear Aunt Babz & Xmichra,

Your advice helped some but when you said that is sounds like we were really close, i mean, we still are really close. We practically do everything together, and i definitely understand that everyone fights or thinks poorly of one another for short periods of time as you said, and thats a good thing to keep in mind i guess. Hopefully this feeling about her will go away. Also, when you said that when i thought she was being a bitch she may have just been joking, but its not like that at all, im positive. And most of the time its not that she's being a bitch to me. I just dont like the attitude she has for others. Someone will bump into her on accident in the street and she will go out of her way to make a scene like the person did it on purpose. That kind of stuff actually makes me embarrassed to be with her. Ive made some pretty horrible decisions in my life, but believe it or not, i consider myself to be a really good person. And when she went out with the guy i liked, it wasnt that she took the chance and i didnt. She didnt even know him but i had told her about him, and he ended up being a jerk so she started talking to him to supposedly tell him off, but then she ended up going on a date with him behind my back. I never made a big deal out of it, but i think it really bothered me, i just didnt know it, or show it. I think i have always felt like she was better than me maybe, (for one, ive never had a boyfriend and she goes out with a guy that i liked!?) and wanted to prove that i was better in a way, and maybe that's why i did what i did. And when i did it, i just told myself, well she has done something behind my back too. I know now that it was dumb to think that, but i couldn't help it, its just how i felt. Also, i understand that she may be trying to make it clear how in love her and her boyfriend are. That definitely makes sense, but she knows i know, and she knows im not interested or anything like that. Bleh!..I just wish that i had a boyfriend, and i really just wish our friendship was like it was before there was all this boy drama.

Dear Rachel,

It somewhat concerns me that the “solution” you see is if you had a boyfriend then all of this would go away.

I understand that if you had a boyfriend then maybe your friend would ease up on you with talking about her guy all day long. Or maybe you think that if you had a boyfriend you just wouldn’t care. But I assure you, that is not the problem or the answer.

This is an issue that you have to deal with on your own, because it is your feelings on all this.

I think you are a good person, and I think that what you did (making out with your friends boy) has made you realize that you can’t do that to people no matter the reasons. And I think that is a lesson you will carry forwards in your life.

Given what you have written back, I honestly don’t think that you can handle any more of her antics. What I mean is that you are sick of her attitude with other people. Take for instance the person who bumped into her on the street…. Why didn’t you say something then? Very childish behavior, and that won’t ever get better if you let her get away with it. And for you not to say anything makes it evident to her that you accept the behavior and condone it. Probably not the truth at all. Right? So say something when that stuff happens… my boss (who is way up the food chain in the corporation) likes to say on conference calls “silence is consensus” which means: if you don’t speak up, then you are agreeing with the actions/words of the others you are with.

Also, in regards to her dating this other guy behind your back… was it one date? I only ask because in all reality when people start getting mad at one another a natural chemistry happens. Which sounds really stupid (and it really is) but anger is one of the most common emotions that bond people together. You can absolutely hate someone going into a conversation, but from the heat of words you can see another side of a person… and that sometimes makes for a good relationship starter. It’s a psychological progression from wielding your weapon (your anger and words and psyche) to healing an unwitting target (like saying something above the context which you can see hurting the person, feeling badly for it, and finding common ground to respectfully argue). I am not saying that this is what happened, but it is not beyond reality, it is very common. Still, the point on if it was only one date… if it was, then I would pretty much bank on the above having happened because generally when one feels like they have wounded another they feel compelled to be friends or pay them back. And that feeling fades after whatever “payment” has been replenished (and in that instance it would be an outing). So think about that.

And you have to work on your self-esteem girl. If you are constantly thinking that your friend is diggin’ at you because you are not “worthy” then you will have a lifetime of hurt. You need to figure out that you are good all on your own. You don’t need to prove that to her or to anyone else. And you need to remember that the proof you require is in the respect of yourself. Not by doggin’ on your friends boy. As you can see, that just made things worse for everyone involved.

You do not need another person to validate your worth. You do not need to make yourself a target. And you can ALWAYS “help” what you do. What you choose to do is 100% your own, and you cannot place that blame on anyone else. How you feel doesn’t have to manifest into malice. You are better then that. So live better then that.

As for you and your friend… unfortunately I think you will just have to ride it out. And if she gets more malicious then I would sever ties with her. You two are close, but at what lengths are you willing to stay unhappy??? This has to be a moving on point for you. You and she have been terrible towards each other, and you know this. And now you will learn and move on. And if she doesn’t want to take that journey with you, then you have to do it alone. Jealousy and bottling up feelings will only make this worse and you are more likely to repeat your previous behavior if provoked. So don’t let that happen. Be the good person you know you are.

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