Saturday, February 16, 2008

Choose To Be You

Dear Aunt Babz,

Hey, after asking the question again and again but never getting an answer or being to ashamed to ask the people around me, i finally come to my lovely computer. please help, its a very long and confusing story, at least too long for me.
oh, and can you please reply back via email, my computer wont bookmark any sites or keep history.
ok, try to make it short and i ask that you try not to be to judemental about it because i just sort of slip into things from time to time. Just read till the end cause its more than one thing and it just all came to me a few days after i went out for Marti Gras. Ok, i'm almost out of highschool, never had a boyfriend but been around plenty of guys i can click with. I might just not attract many guys as it is, but i'm not sure if it's bad luck or attitude or what? Something always happens at the last moment. Either we can't see each other again, things cool off, or some other girl moves in or just something really random. With the guy i took to homecoming, i really liked him and we went as friends. one of my friends asked him to a sorority dance at homecoming, he said yes, and met his current girlfriend on the dance floor. now she is keeping me away from him and wont even look at me. When we do have to talk about english projects, she will bring him up randomly. "I have no idea what i'm going to do with james this week end" i smoove it over, i have to "well it's pretty cold out, he might just want to stay in or see a movie" but it still make me want to kill her. She has done this before. I feel like i can only get whats left after she is done. I don't even know how she does it, she isn't that atractive and snaps at people constantly. sorry if i'm brooding. The next thing that happened, i kinda like this guy in my chem class, but he is really shy, so am i, a little, and he is impossible to get to. i was pretty optimistic about getting closer to him till i over herd his conversation with an older girl in our class, i wasn't ease dropping, i cant help it if she sits right by me and almost yells it. "I wouldn't give you 2 more than a month, you never see each other, never talk, and have you seen her dorm, its a total sh*t hole" looks like he's got a thing for college girls........
now the last one is the longest story. I can't stop thinking about him since and blush every time i do. I met him at a party a while ago, haven't seen him since, talk about disheartening. My older cousin said that i needed to relax a bit. So she took me with a bunch of her and her friends to the Marti Gras parade. I ended up appsolutly drunk in the middle of a field, in god knows where, sitting on a tailgate in front of a bon fire with 12 other people. For a minute i thought "how did i get here again?" but then some one smoved to over with another drink. turns out when i'm compleatly drunk, i smile like an idiot, at everyone. But at the bon fire i met Jay. we had introduced ourselves at the parade when i was just a little more than tipsy. So we keep talking and drinking around the bon fire. he would pull me back evey time some guy put as in the fire cause the wood was wet and the flame would die. and i would bury my face in his jacket evey time the smoke blew in our direction. about an hour in a half later, most the people had left. thats when the guy who was putting gas in the fire slashed his palm to his wrist on a beer bottle when he got into a fight with his brother. so my cousin went to take him to the hospital and left me drunk in the field, in the middle of nowhere with Jay. We sat on the tale gate for another 2 and half to 3 hours playing drunken guessing games them talking about more important things like school, friends, family, college, and how we really didn't understand the drama that happened the whole night. Turns out he was 19 and majoring in agicultural bussiness. he was really honest too, he said he thought it was a little strange that i had never been in a relationship. I was really comfortable with him and we got along really well. By the end of the night we were curled up on the tale gate with my head on his shoulder when some guy breaks in and says some one may have called the cops and that we needed to clean things up. He asked if my cus was coming back for me and i said i didn't know, he said he would make sure i got home. probably 20 minutes later, and after we found half a bottle of vodka randomly lieing in the field, go figure, my cousin comes back and drags me off, not before i gave him a hug and said i hope i would see him again, he said definetly, then we left. my cus kept on asking me if he hit on me. i said no of course. Now i kinda worder why i was so different then. Not only did alot of guys hit on me, i also ended up getting really comfortable and close with some one i had just met. I don't want to chalk it up to being drunk, that would mean i wouldn't be able to be so close to people unless some one gave me a bottle of vodka. I wonder why i can't be so approachable in my daily life. it was just so easy to get close to people. and it kinda upests me. Like i can't make it work out with a guy? also knowing that i'm probably not going to see him again. I do miss him and i'd like to see him when i'm sober. i wonder if he would like me if i were sober. It really does hurt that i probably won't see him again or be remotely that comfortable with some one normally.
i would be forever greatful if you could help me with my problem or tell me what my problem is.
till later

Dear Steff,

Everything sounds normal. You sound normal, is what I'm saying. You may just need to polish up your approach and maybe a little self-esteem study? The Doctor also orders a little dose of Empowerment. May I suggest you read as much as you can, letters written to others who've written in with similar issues. On my sidebar are labels. Check out as much as you can on Empowerment, Self Esteem and any thing with the label Aunt B's Bitch Belt.

If I've learned nothing, in this 49 years of mine, it's that life is completely perspective. What I mean is we have winners and losers. We have people who've been dealt some crappy cards but choose to rise above it. We have people who've been handed everything and all; good looks, money, life of privilege. Do not envy them ever. For that matter, never envy anyone. You be you and be damn good at being you.

My point is this, as I stated in a recent post, What Defines You?,

"You are 3 People."

I am who I am;

I am who you think I am

I am who I think I am

I am who I really am
It's all perspective. As well, all life is about choice. Remember these words, if you remember nothing from this, "All life is choice." It's a matter of what we choose to do, in the best and worst of times. But we always have a choice. Often times we may not see it right away. Often times because of this, we make hasty, frivolous and stupid decisions. But one thing's for certain, when it's all said and done, when you are my age, you will begin to look back and see that in every instance, you had a choice as to how you handled a gift life hands you, an adversity and an every day situation. Even more importantly, you have a choice how people perceive you. You must remember these words, all the days of your life.
Choose to be;

  1. Good
  2. Pretty
  3. Fair
  4. Just
  5. Honest
  6. Truthful
  7. Truth to Self
  8. Assertive
All else will fall into place if you strive to be all these qualities. You will be pretty inside and out, if you so desire. Remember this!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Dear Steff,

This will sound really stupid, but your problem is that you don’t actually have a problem, but you can quickly get into one if you are not careful.

Sounds to me like you are a pretty introverted person, and that is fine. But you may need to come out of your shell a little bit more often and take a few risks. Not big risks, but talking to guys doesn’t have to be a difficult task. After all, they will likely say something completely stupid during the conversation. We all do. And then it won’t feel so complicated. So don’t’ be afraid to say something.

With the examples that you provided it sounded like you waited to long to let the guys know you liked them. And that is really frustrating to you, and I can understand that. But if you don’t do something or speak up, they will move on. So try not to be so shy, guys are not mind readers.

Huge words of caution here though:

Drinking lowers inhibitions and what may seem like a great “ice breaker” for you to muster your courage can quickly become the worst day of your life. When we drink we do not have the regular thought process that we normally possess. This is because alcohol affects every part of the body.

Alcohol is carried through the blood stream and goes into organs, muscles, your brain, everywhere. And it affects the central nervous system in your brain. This is what causes you to feel more lose or relaxed, comfortable, or in reverse irritable aggressive or feel like you cannot be injured. It is a chemical response that happens, and you don’t really know what is going to happen until it does.

Many things can happen while you are drinking. You are more likely to make decisions that you will regret like dancing on tables, stripping, having sex with a person you barely know, having unprotected sex. There are tons of stories out there, just take a listen. Any person who has ever drank alcohol to the point of intoxication has at least one story of making poor if not life altering choices.

Also through this crazy altering of your central nervous system you lose the ability to know what is going on around you. Multitudes of women each year are raped, molested, or killed while under intoxication. And those who survive regret ever taking that drink because they know that they wouldn’t have ever been in the situations to become hurt if they were sober.


I know that this is a hard reality to deal with, but you do not want this to be the result of needing to loosen up a little. Especially when you can learn to loosen up a little on your own.

So make sure that you are being smart about this and try to do a few things to let a guy know that you are interested. Talking to the guy will help a lot. If you are too shy to talk to a guy, how can you expect him to know that you are interested?? So you need to talk with the guy and at least make him know you are in the room. Then from there, keep a good rapport. Asking for help with a project, a pen, if they have plans for lunch. Whatever you feel comfortable with. Just make sure that you are putting yourself in the position for the guy to know you like him.

Men are not rocket scientists when it comes to women, and women are very confusing sometimes when trying to get attention. So make your intentions clear. At first, you will want to be friends with a guy, so what is so hard about asking him to sit with you? Or what is hard about asking him for coffee? You would do this with a girl that you wanted to be friends with right? So don’t be afraid to take your relationships into your own hands. And if the answer is no, then that’s fine. You didn’t invest a whole lot of energy and time brooding about it, and move on. No big deal.

Don’t’ worry so much, you are just shy. I am sure that you will do fine, as long as you keep your wits about you and you stay true to yourself.

~ Xmichra.

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