Temporaily Closed

Sorry Guys but right now my life is on fast forward. To do you any justice in answering your questions, I always want to give you my full attention. Right now that's just not possible.

In the meantime, enjoy your summer and remember...

Don't sweat the small shit and it's ALL small shit!!!

Keeping It Real,
Aunt B







Every now and again, I like to post this just to make you think. Even though I wrote it, it still makes me remember, think and pray...

My Granddaughter…Aries

I wrote this, not long after my release from Prison. I had laid there, alone, one night, unable to sleep. I began to think about all I had seen and heard, some of the stories. As part of a therapeutic community, a rehab within the prison, we had delved into a lot of issues, most brought on by addiction. Some were honest and frank, matter of fact. Some showed no remorse but often times, the women did not understand how they could do the things they had done. They had killed, starved, sold, cut, maimed, abused, neglected, molested and raped their children. I’d spoke with women, outside of a treatment setting and many of these women knew not, why they did what they did.

But who suffered the most, when the Mother was taken to prison? The children and they paid the price for it all. They had already been neglected and hurt and now they would be passed around like a garage sale rag doll. Pray for the children, will you?

“Bless This Child”

Bless this child who’s beaten daily, much more than he can take.
Bless this child who cries at night, his hunger still awake.
Bless this child who’s born of drugs, no habit of his own,
Bless this child who screams in silence he bears his pain alone.
Bless this child not wanted still, a lonely path to lead,
Bless this child so young, too young, molested, made to bleed.
Bless this child born of pain, whose mother barely cares,
Bless this child afraid of dark, it only brings nightmares.
Bless this child too frail to eat, afraid to die just yet,
Bless this child disease will claim, his dreams are never met.
Bless this child who wants to die, his life seems only lies,
Bless this child through suicide can’t say his last good-byes.
Bless this child who’s father’s gone, his love poured out in vain,
Bless this child through poverty who’ll only know hate and pain.
Bless this child who’s shook in anger, now knocks at heaven’s gate,
Bless this child you’ll never know, her story told too late.
Bless this child who’s sent to you, a present from above,
Bless this child you call your own, make sure you show them love.

Always Keeping It Real,
Aunt B


"Even the most brilliant minds can have troubled souls."

Aunt B

Re-Post; Something To Think About

Every now and again, I like to post this just to make you think. Even though I wrote it, it still makes me remember, think and pray...

My Granddaughter…Aries

I wrote this, not long after my release from Prison. I had laid there, alone, one night, unable to sleep. I began to think about all I had seen and heard, some of the stories.As part of a therapeutic community, a rehab within the prison, we had delved into a lot of issues, most brought on by addiction. Some were honest and frank, matter of fact. Some showed no remorse but often times, the women did not understand how they could do the things they had done. They had killed, starved, sold, cut, maimed, abused, neglected, molested and raped their children. I’d spoke with women, outside of a treatment setting and many of these women knew not, why they did what they did.

But who suffered the most, when the Mother was taken to prison? The children and they paid the price for it all. They had already been neglected and hurt and now they would be passed around like a garage sale rag doll. Pray for the children, will you?

“Bless This Child”

Bless this child who’s beaten daily, much more than he can take.
Bless this child who cries at night, his hunger still awake.
Bless this child who’s born of drugs, no habit of his own,
Bless this child who screams in silence he bears his pain alone.
Bless this child not wanted still, a lonely path to lead,
Bless this child so young, too young, molested, made to bleed.
Bless this child born of pain, whose mother barely cares,
Bless this child afraid of dark, it only brings nightmares.
Bless this child too frail to eat, afraid to die just yet,
Bless this child disease will claim, his dreams are never met.
Bless this child who wants to die, his life seems only lies,
Bless this child through suicide can’t say his last good-byes.
Bless this child who’s father’s gone, his love poured out in vain,
Bless this child through poverty who’ll only know hate and pain.
Bless this child who’s shook in anger, now knocks at heaven’s gate,
Bless this child you’ll never know, her story told too late.
Bless this child who’s sent to you, a present from above,
Bless this child you call your own, make sure you show them love.

Always Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz
"Even the most brilliant minds can have troubled souls."

Something To Think About; Bless This Child

Every now and again, I like to post this just to make you think. Even though I wrote it, it still makes me remember, think and pray...

My Granddaughter…Aries

I wrote this, not long after my release from Prison. I had laid there, alone, one night, unable to sleep. I began to think about all I had seen and heard, some of the stories.As part of a therapeutic community, a rehab within the prison, we had delved into a lot of issues, most brought on by addiction. Some were honest and frank, matter of fact. Some showed no remorse but often times, the women did not understand how they could do the things they had done. They had killed, starved, sold, cut, maimed, abused, neglected, molested and raped their children. I’d spoke with women, outside of a treatment setting and many of these women knew not, why they did what they did.

But who suffered the most, when the Mother was taken to prison? The children and they paid the price for it all. They had already been neglected and hurt and now they would be passed around like a garage sale rag doll. Pray for the children, will you?

“Bless This Child”

Bless this child who’s beaten daily, much more than he can take.
Bless this child who cries at night, his hunger still awake.
Bless this child who’s born of drugs, no habit of his own,
Bless this child who screams in silence he bears his pain alone.
Bless this child not wanted still, a lonely path to lead,
Bless this child so young, too young, molested, made to bleed.
Bless this child born of pain, whose mother barely cares,
Bless this child afraid of dark, it only brings nightmares.
Bless this child too frail to eat, afraid to die just yet,
Bless this child disease will claim, his dreams are never met.
Bless this child who wants to die, his life seems only lies,
Bless this child through suicide can’t say his last good-byes.
Bless this child who’s father’s gone, his love poured out in vain,
Bless this child through poverty who’ll only know hate and pain.
Bless this child who’s shook in anger, now knocks at heaven’s gate,
Bless this child you’ll never know, her story told too late.
Bless this child who’s sent to you, a present from above,
Bless this child you call your own, make sure you show them love.

Always Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz
"Even the most brilliant minds can have troubled souls."

Your Life

Editors Note; This is one of the most painful posts I've had to deal with, up and to this point. This is an updated situation that was first addressed several months ago. You may read the initial post, "You Hold the Key," to fully understand the ramifications of this powerful and perplexing question.


Dear Aunt B,

Do you remember me? If you don't, I guess I could just refresh your memory a little bit. A little under a year ago, I think, I emailed you because I had problems with my father and I was taken away. I need a little more advice, if you don't mind helping me again.

My new foster parents said I could visit my mother because she is on her medication. I really do want to see her, but I am extremely nervous about it. My mom had an accident where she fell and had some brain damage, so some of her memory is gone, which means that she doesn't really remember anything about the way my father has treated us both recently. I know she really loved my father, and that fact that she doesn't remember anything doesn't really help me much. Because she loved him so much, I have a feeling in my gut that she wouldn't believe me if I told her what he has done. How could I explain to her why I can't live with her anymore, and why my father is in jail? Is there any way to do this without completely crushing her and putting her into another spiral of depression, or without coming to completely hating me for what I did?

I am sort of getting the feeling like I tore my family apart, and to my mom, for no reason at all. With my mom's loss of memory its almost like a completely new slate, and I would love if the thought my father's actions did not have to be in my mom's head, but I just don't know what to do at this point. Can you help me at all?


Dear Friend,

This whole thing has broken my heart from day one. I have prayed that you will find happiness, understanding and ultimately, forgive your father for what he has done. That is a tall order, for what he did to you was beyond any reasonable persons ability to forgive. As well, I am more than happy that you were able to get out of that situation.

But my Dear, you are a very special girl, I just know this and your heart is huge. You may suffer for this, all the days of your life but you are one of the "good people," the few, the proud, left walking this earth. That sounds rough, huh? Don't ever change that, ok? Another tall order.

I also pray that you have been able to get into counseling? All that you have been through, you need to work through it all, sift through the ashes and begin to build yourself back up again. I strongly suggest that you seek counseling, if you have not, up to this point. You've gone through so much at such a tender age and I would love to know that you did not have to go through all this alone. Now, if you have not asked for some form/sort of counseling, I really suggest that you insist upon it.

This is a rather complex situation with twists and turns, bumps and mountains. I have every confidence in you, that you will climb and stand at the top of this mountain of pain. You are stronger than you even realize. As well, you have the heart of a giant, the soul of an Angel and the personality of a cool summer breeze. I would simply ask that you use all the resources available to keep that intact. Yes, a woman is only as good as her tools so you must use your tools. In counseling, you'll possibly learn coping skills and attain a strategy to enable you to put all this painful stuff behind you.

I am holding your hand through this. You've walked through the fire, a fire I know all too well. The wonderful thing about this is the fact that you made it through that fire, forged into a young woman, tempered as gold is tempered. Mark my words, you will be a better woman for all this and all things happen for a reason. If you remember this, you can move on to the next Chapter, in this book;
Your Life.

My concern, at this juncture is, and I hate to repeat myself, but are receiving counseling? No, you don't have to be crazy to go for counseling, a woman is only as good as her tools, right? You must use every available resource/tool to help you in this life, your life. What you have gone through, in these few years, in your young life, is absolutely horrific. I am more than sorry that you had to go through all this and it pains me to know that you might be scarred by it all.
*Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord. Let go and let God deal with your father.

I'd told you before that you are the key, you have the key and you must use that key. You still possess that key. It is emblazoned on your heart. You must use it to let go, let God and forgive, just for starters.

Forgiveness is a huge word, isn't it?

Forgiveness;

The act or an instance of forgiving: absolution, amnesty, condonation, excuse, pardon, remission. Seeforgiveness/vindictiveness.

To forgive someone is to forswear resentment, anger, or other reactions to their having done something that justifies such responses. The philosophical problem is that this is apparently treating them better than they deserve; but how can it be a requirement, or even be permissible, to treat someone in any other way than as they deserve? The advice of Augustine, that we hate the sin but not the sinner also suggests an objective or impersonal attitude towards the sinner, as if the character of the agent is only accidentally connected with the hatefulness of his or her actions, and it has been argued, notably by Strawson, that this objective stance is inconsistent with full recognition of the personhood of others.

Yes, it's not easy but I believe you've already begun the journey down this path. Some people might even question me telling you this and even ask the question;

"How can she forgive her father for what he has done to her?"

We must always treat others as we would want to be treated. What your father did to you is and was reprehensible and just about unforgivable. I'm sorry to say but I don't give two s**ts in hell about your father. But I do care about you and your welfare, your healing and your rise above all this.

My suggestion to you is two fold;

I would ask you to seek counseling and bring up these issues, especially concerning how to deal with your Mother. I would also suggest that you speak to whomever it is that your Mother is in counseling with and seek their opinion as to how to proceed. It's a bit much for you to have to deal with all you've gone through and still have to worry about hurting your Mom. She must be in the care of a Physician, right? So, I think it would be wise of you to speak with them and quite possibly they can help you deal with this issue in a treatment setting?

Most of all, I wish that you would not be strapped with all this guilt, you wear so passionately. None of this is your fault. Read that again; None of this is your fault! You should have never been subjected to what you were put through. Your father will one day answer for his behavior and I dare say, I would not want to be in his shoes.

Please hear me and ask your Foster Parents to get you into some form of treatment. You've been through far too much to bear the brunt of all this alone. If for some reason you feel you can't ask them, then I suggest that you go to your school Guidance Counselor. They will steer you in the right direction and it is their job to take note of a situation.

I am not passing the buck, as they say, when it comes to answering your question. I simply do not feel you should go through this alone. Many of us have suffered through molestation, rape and abuse. You are not alone, in that respect but you do have to live within your own skin and I want you to like you. Right now, I think, just simply gathered from your words alone, that you don't care too much for yourself. You carry a tremendous amount of guilt around, guilt that you should not wear.

Guilt, much like anger, will eat you up inside. It can and will affect you the rest of your life, unless...you work through it, look at it and see that it does not serve you. You must see that it does not look good on you, you don't wear it well and it is choking you. Do whatever it takes to get it off you, throw it away, burn it.

Be good to yourself, please? I have the feeling that your pain, what you've gone through will help others, in the end. So, take what you've gone through, work through any anger, pain, guilt, shame and tame it all. Allow it all to empower you, to make you stronger. Own it before it owns you, ok?

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

*"Vengeance is mine saith the Lord!"

"for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord." (Romans 12:19)

God did not say vengeance is ours. He said vengence is His. If we want to be on the receiving end of God's blessings and favors, we have to truly understand what it means to give it completely over to the Lord.

"Do not say I'll pay you back for this wrong! Wait for the Lord, and He will deliver you." Proverbs 20:22

Lesson of a Lifetime

Dear Aunt Babz,

This requires a little bit of history...I'm totally lost here, so forgive me if I seem to be writing a book. I've changed all the names for the sake of privacy. My girlfriend, Miranda, and I have been dating for only six weeks, but we've been good friends for a year or so before that. Originally, she was chasing after me, but since we've started dating I've fallen fast and hard for her. However, we agreed to take things slow and have not done anything other than quick kisses...not even French kissing. Her best friend, Jayden, lives in England (we live in America), and her best American friend is named Alexi -- I know Alexi better than Jayden, but I talk to both of them often, at least a few times a week. Alexi, Miranda and I all work together. At work, we have three assistant managers; usually we work under a woman named Jess. She's very well liked and trusted by everyone.

Saturday afternoon, Miranda tried to call out of work for that night. That morning, Jason, her sister's fiance, hit Meg, her sister. They lived together and always seemed to be fighting, but this was the first time he physically abused her. Both Meg and Jason have rage issues. Meg left Jason, and moved in with Miranda and her parents. Miranda wanted to be there for her sister, and knew that we could get by without her at work that night. Jess would not let her call out, and insisted that she come in. I was text messaging Miranda at the same time, and I told her not to bother coming in. I told her she doesn't need this job (I'm pretty wealthy and would definitely take care of her -- since we've started dating I'm sure I've already spent over $1,000 on her; she knows that is no matter to me and that I would do anything for her). I told her to do what she needed to do, and be with her family.

She ended up coming into work, and was the maddest I've ever seen her. She went into the back and punched a locker, and was not in a good mood at all. Jess saw how upset she was and let her leave early. I could not leave what I was doing. Looking back, I should've abandoned my job and run to her before she left. I definitely spoke to her every time she walked past, but I didn't act as concerned as I felt. I let her go, I think. I think that was my mistake.

After leaving work, I learned she did not go home. She talked to Jayden (British best friend) and told her that there was no point in living. She was going to drive into a telephone pole. According to Jayden, she went on for a good fifteen minutes and was genuinely serious. Jayden asked what was wrong but never got an answer. Jayden didn't even know about the Jason and Meg situation. Jayden called Alexi in hysterics -- being in England, she couldn't do much but knew Alexi might have a bigger impact. Alexi came into work and told me what Miranda told Jayden. Both of us were obviously worried, but Miranda did not respond to either of us. We didn't want to betray Miranda's trust of Jayden, so we tried to seem concerned without letting on that we knew.

Miranda and Meg came in to work later that night and did a bit of shopping. Miranda talked to me, everything seemed normal. I didn't ask any questions other than if she was okay. I figured there was more to this situation that she just wasn't comfortable telling me. I wanted to give her space. She seemed ok, introduced me to Meg, and everything was as good as I could expect. I didn't know how to act, really, so I might've seemed a little awkward, but I would think that's understandable.

The next day, Sunday, Miranda and I were supposed to hang out. I go to college during the week and come home on the weekends, so Sunday night we always get together before I head back to school. I sent her a message when I was leaving work that I would see her soon -- all I got back was "I can't go out." I said that's fine, you need to do what you have to do and I understand that you want to be there for your family. I got no answer back. I called her that night, maybe seven hours later, and she didn't answer her phone. I just wanted to make sure everything was okay, and I left a message saying so. That one message, "I can't go out," was all I've heard from her in the last four days.

I asked Alexi what was going on. A few hours after telling me that she could not go out, Miranda asked Alexi if she wanted to play tennis. Alexi turned her down -- she had too much homework and didn't have the time. This seemed odd to me, but I figured Miranda just had something on her mind she didn't feel comfortable talking about with me. Monday night, the two of them worked together and Alexi told me that they had a good talk. She didn't want to tell me what it was about, but she said it had nothing to do with me. I was not the issue. Miranda also spoke with Jess, and all Jess told me was that I need to give her space, and that Miranda's "never been in this situation before." I have no idea what's going on, and I just don't know what to do.

Her ex-boyfriend raped her a few months ago, that's one of the main reasons why we're moving so slowly. All I can figure is that something brought up those memories, and consequently, she's afraid to love me or be close to me.

I've been texting or calling her once a day, just so that she knows I'm here and I still care. She won't answer me, and I don't know why. Even if she just said "I don't want to talk right now," that would be a lot better than nothing. I just don't know what to do or what to think or where to turn. My grades in school are really suffering because of this -- I can't concentrate at all. Last night was the first time since this began that I slept at all, and even then it was only for two hours.

I arranged for a meeting with my school counselor next week. I just don't know what to do.

Any thoughts, suggestions or comments? Please. Anything at all is greatly appreciated.




Thank you so much.
Lover_in_distress



Dear Lover_in_distress,

It is not easy to try and figure someone out, especially when they are acting really uncharacteristic of themselves. And in this instance I have some advice on what you can do to help Miranda, but unfortunately it will not help you.

See, what I would suggest is to talk to Miranda’s parents because if she is feeling suicidal and had something as traumatic as rape happen to her, she is in danger. And helping her live is first and foremost.

But it will not help you (I don’t think) because she will resent that you went to her parents, she will be mad that Jayden betrayed her trust, and she will not be happy with any of you for awhile.

In the end though, she does need help. People who are happy do not think of driving into telephone poles. Miranda needs your help.

For you, I would say that getting involved with someone who has depression is very difficult and sometimes doesn’t work out. You can do everything right, but depression is a monster and cares little for the hearts of others. Not saying the person who is depressed is a monster, depression is a disease and is hard to tame or get rid of. And those who deal with it either first hand or second hand have difficulties. If you really are in love, and you really want to help, then there are steps you can take. But that will not guarantee that Miranda will be receptive to you. Hopefully she will see that you care enough to help, and her friends care as well. And hopefully you can be a part of her support while in recovery. But ultimately this is her choice, to seek help. And it is her choice on weather she will accept that help.

I found this on the web, and it is actually pretty good:

Top Tips for Helping a Depressed Friend or Relative
Learn about depression	Educate yourself about the symptoms, causes, and treatments of depression. You need to understand what you’re dealing with before you can help.
Be understanding	Don’t underestimate the seriousness of depression. Depression drains a person’s energy, optimism, and motivation. Your depressed loved one can’t just “snap out of it” by sheer force of will.
Try not to take it personally	Irritability and hostility are common symptoms of depression. Often, a depressed person will say hurtful things or lash out in anger. Remember that this is the depression talking, not your loved one, so don’t take it to heart.
Have realistic expectations	It can be frustrating to watch a depressed loved one struggle, especially if progress is slow or stalled. Having patience is important. Even with the proper treatment, recovery from depression doesn’t happen overnight.
Don’t be an enabler	It doesn’t help anyone involved if you are making excuses, covering up the problem, or lying for a friend or family member who is depressed. In fact, this may keep the depressed person from seeking treatment.
Relinquish your control	Don’t try to rescue your loved one from depression. It’s not up to you to fix the problem, nor can you. Ultimately, depression recovery is in the hands of the depressed person.

There is more on this topic here: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/living_depressed_person.htm

I hope that Miranda does get some help, and I hope you two are able to work past this. My thoughts are with you.

Brightest Blessings

~Xmichra

Dear Lover_in_distress,

You do know that I shoot from the hip don't you? And I live by the creed to say what I mean, mean what I say and try not to say it too mean. I am going to be as sensitive as possible and I will tell you the same thing I would tell any one of my own sons, if they came to me with the same situation, ok?

First of all, I feel there was a lot of drama, unnecessary drama, attention seeking drama. While it's understandable that you would be concerned for Miranda, especially if she was insinuating a suicide attempt, I would surely ask you, if you think her behavior is within the norm? Now, far be it from me to down play her emotions but do you really feel it was necessary for her to take it as far as she did, namely, getting as upset as she did about her sister, punching the locker and threatening suicide? Take a look at this.

My fiance' threatened suicide when I was moving to Long Island from Pittsburgh. If you want to read about it, I had written, baring my soul, in this post. On one hand, I thought he was being extremely emotional. On the other hand, I was truly concerned, scared to say the least. On one hand, I felt he must be crazy, while on the other, I felt so guilty over leaving him. It was an awful situation. One side of me, if the truth were known, didn't believe a word he was saying and the other was petrified that he meant it. The point is that we should never not take someone serious who states, implies, insinuates suicide. My beau ultimately killed himself. This was the Lesson of a Lifetime.

I am painfully aware of the ramifications of suicide, threat of suicide and the way it holds those we love, emotionally hostage. As well, it's extremely agonizing to me, bordering excruciating, to admit this but I too have behaved badly and I have attempted suicide. I am being sincere when I say that I understand the emotions behind a suicide threat. And I bare all, simply so you might see that I speak from experience. My boyfriend/fiance' was not my first initiation into the hush hush, Hemlock Society, type of thinking, emotion either. I've been around the block, a time or two, have seen more than most and maybe even felt and experienced more than most?

Long story short; It's selfish as hell to threaten suicide, especially for dramatic purpose and intent and especially, if you're just being theatrical , seeking attention and so on. We can't read their minds, you can't read Miranda's mind and we don't know if she's actually serious or histrionic? Was she being melodramatic? Now, I am not holding any Ace up my sleeve, there's no magic here but I'd be willing to bet that she was being a bit theatrical. More importantly, I think you need to suggest that she might seek counseling. This may set her off but if you don't say it, it would be the first of many mistakes...

Having said all that and letting the cat out of the bag, I'll ask you to take a long hard look at her behavior, above and beyond all of this. Well Babz, what are you talking about?

Quite honestly, I think her behavior towards you has been rather unfair(we'll give her credit as maybe she can't help it and needs this counseling). See, I think you just so happen to be a nice guy. I also think that she has, on more than one occasion, taken advantage of your nice guy persona. But my intent is not to rile you up and it's certainly not to cause you to get angry and break up with her.

White Hat/Black Hat/Gray Hat

They say "nice guys finish last." I happen to believe there's some validity to that statement. Unfortunately, in this world, you have people, men and women alike, who are just mean spirited, users, gold diggers, etc. and they seem to have/get it all. Quite frankly, I'd rather be able to look myself in the mirror but I'd be lying if I didn't admit a bit of jealousy, in a fleeting glimpse. I mean, I would sure enjoy having the mentality to marry for money, like some women and men do. Realistically though, I will quickly shake it off and report to myself and God that I am doing my best to be a better person. But I have noticed an attraction, that I readily admit, to bad boys. It has been my demise from day one. And I think a lot of women are attracted to that "bad boy" persona. Have you noticed this?

Now, I am not telling you to be a bad boy. No, I like you just the way you are. I do however, want you to change a few things. See, girlfriend believes she's got you wrapped around her little finger. Yes, even subconsciously, a girl is capable of doing this. It's possible and rather plausible to think that your girlfriend thinks you are predictable and that you'll be there whether she calls you or not? Predictable can be boring too! You need to wear a gray hat...

Let me point out something to you, to put things into perspective. OK, if she didn't respond and ignored her/a girlfriend, who had, in a caring and loving manner, inquired how she was doing, when she'd gone out of her way to send message after message, text and voice mail and Miranda didn't respond, they wouldn't stay girlfriends for very long. Yes, it's just common courtesy, a kindergarten premise, when someone inquires about you, especially in a time of crisis such as this, to have the common decency to respond back. Am I right or am I right?

In conclusion, I feel Miranda has taken advantage of a good thing, intentional or not. If she really does care, she should treat you, first and foremost as her best friend. Look very carefully at this and any other relationship you have; If you are not best friends with this girl, which is a must, you have nothing. Understand?

Put on that gray hat, make it clear to her that you would appreciate it if she could at least let you know she's all right, when you inquire, simply out of respect. Take the kid gloves off. I understand your going easy with her, nice and slow because of what happened to her but that does not give her license to be inconsiderate to you. Unless of course, you are desperate?

I think not...

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz


suicide

You Hold The Key

To read more pertaining to this post; Your Life
This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt B,

I am really stuck. My mother has been seeming a bit depressed lately, so I am having to take care of myself for a while. I am okay with that, but my father has been taking advantage of her, so she just usually sits in her room all day. My father won't let me talk to my peers, and anyone really. He started to home school me about three months ago. I was never allowed a phone at all, or a computer. The one I am using is for school work only. If I get caught using it for anything else except school work I am in big trouble. My father hits me all the time, but he calls it disipline so I am not sure if it is legal or not. I can't call the police, because my father says it costs $150 and I can't pay that. He forces me to sex with him and his friends sometimes, even when I am only 13 years old. My father always told me that since I was his daughter he was allowed to do whatever he wanted with me whenever he wanted to. It just bothers me a lot and I am not sure what I should do.

Signed, Bothered and Confused

Dear Bothered & Confused,

I am more than concerned for you. I wish I was there to give you a big hug and tell you everything's gonna be ok. I can't stand the thought of you going through this. We will do everything, within our power to help you, just say the word. We will always be hear for you and yes, Xmichra, Soulseer and myself, are all willing to help you, you just need to extend your hand and grab hold.

No, the things your Father is doing are not right, morally or legally. It is against the law, for him to hit you and it does not cost a thing, to call the Police, I don't care where you live. But even worse, the sexual assault is appalling and wrong. It is so wrong, that he can and will go to Prison for a long time, if he is caught. It is against the law and it sickens me, to think he'd subject you to this, not to mention having sex, with his friends.

If all you say is true, what he is doing by home schooling you, I believe is called, "Isolation." He is keeping you away from the world and your outlet and resources for two reasons; to guard his nasty, dirty secret and to keep you in a state of helplessness and panic, where you feel you need him. To survive, of course you need him or so it may seem.

I was raped, so I do have an idea, how you feel. Maybe, you think you deserve it or he has the right cause he's your Dad? He doesn't and the law says he doesn't, society says he doesn't

Maybe, you love your Father? Maybe, you don't realize just how wrong it is, exactly what he is doing to you? It is more than wrong and the worst of the worst but it is not your fault. You've done nothing wrong and I hope you realize this.

1. Now, it's fairly simple; You can call the Police, in your area and they will immediately remove you from the situation. They will be more than willing to help you. You just need to make the call. Yes, what he is doing is wrong, it's illegal and as I said, it is morally wrong.
2. If you can not call, You can email me your address, which I will not make public, of course and I will send the Police/Authorities for you.

Is it possible, that he hits your Mom too? Is it possible that he is hurting your Mom, in some way? You say she's depressed and I have to wonder why? Is it possible that he is being mean to her too? Does she know about all this, he does? If she has any idea, it may be she feels helpless in the situation.

We always have choices, my Dear, always. You can make the choice to change this situation and I guarantee, your life will change, with just one phone call or by sending me your address. In turn, this may also help your Mother? I mean, if he's been hurting her, as well, you hold the key to unlocking that power over you both. Use the key. Yes, use the key and email me your address.

I have already spoken to the Authorities here. They'd be glad to help you and your Mother and will gladly refer you or do whatever it takes. One phone call and they will come and remove your Dad. Just that quick. Make the choice to help, you and your Mother and to end this awful thing, he's doing to you.

You may think that you love your father? I don't know? But what he is doing, to you, is so wrong that, it would take only one phone call and they would come and arrest him. If he loved you, he would not, could not do this to you. No, as your father, he never has the right to touch you and it is more than wrong, as well, for him to allow his friends to have sex with you. Please listen to me; It is so wrong.

It is all up to you now. As I said, you hold the key to your freedom. You hold the key to helping your Mother as well. Send me your address and within 24 hours or less, it'll all be over. No more hurt, no more pain, no more sexual molestation. let me help you, please?

If you are unsure or you need to think about it, I am always here for you, no matter what. You can call my machine on 4/29/08(This number is disabled but you may write me at mzbabz@comcast.net)(631)292-5005 or you can email me and I promise to help you. Send me your address and I will take care of the rest.

It is a felony for him to molest and rape you and all those, that have had sex with you, will also be arrested, jailed and thrown in Prison. What they are doing is wrong and beyond despicable. I pray you don't get pregnant or catch a life threatening disease such as AIDS/HIV. This would only compound this tragedy.

If your Father loves you, he wouldn't harm you as he is. He may not even realize that what he is doing, is so wrong. I have a feeling he does know but doesn't care. He is lying to you and himself, if he says or thinks that what he is doing is right or even within his rights, as your father.

I will say it again; you hold the key...use it. Call me, call the Police or email me right away and I will take care of the rest. I am here and will always be here for you.Please let me help you!!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

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Xmichra said...

Dear Bothered and Confused:

Your letter has me extremely worried. If this is happening to you, I can tell you for certain that you need to seek help and fast.

First of all I would like to point out that it costs nothing to call the police. NOTHING. You are under the age of majority, which means that any cost (legal or otherwise) would be covered from your state/province/etc from anything that would come of this. You would be protected, and that is the whole point. To gain protection.

You are right to be concerned about your mother, if she is indeed in a depressed state, she needs help as well. And not the kind a letter from us can help. She will need medical attention, and I think that you know this and want to help her. So when you seek help, make sure to take note of this, because she needs you as much as you need her.

Making another thing absolutely clear, you are not a possession. Your father doesn’t own you, and cannot treat you the way that he has. It is a crime to do what he has done, regardless of your age. You are your own person, and you do not have to be touched by ANYONE if that is what you want. You could be 13 or 113, makes no matter. If you are not wanting that type of touching, it is illegal. In your case it is also child abuse because of your age, and that is also a crime. You need to seek help from the authorities as quickly as you can. Do not be afraid, they will help you.

If you need more advice as to who you need to talk too, then babs and I will need a little more detail as to where you live (as in country, region, etc) so that we can tell you where you need to go exactly. We have promised that all letters be confidential on this site, but if you need more help and need someone, we are here for you. We will not post anything further, and we will work with you to get the help you need. Please take this advice, and make sure that you are protecting yourself. You need help, and we can help you if you let us.

Wishing You the Best,

Xmichra
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Soulseer Said...

Hey there,

My Mom (BABS,Aunt B) are very concerned about your situation .The question is ,do you need help getting out? Because there is limitless help available ,Ya just gotta reach out & take that helping hand.I understand your feelings .I too was molested several times .Know one thing ,if anything IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You can get in contact with Mom mzbabz@comcast.net or Me anytime soulseer@verizon.net

Please if you need help ,let us know ,we can protect you & get you out of that hell you live in .We'll pray for you Hun.Remember ,it's not a burden or an inconvenience for us to talk to you.

Blessing & Bliss, Lee

http://www.myspace.com/soulseerlee

Stand Up, You Are A Diamond

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Dear Aunt B,

My problem is a little confusing so please bear with me. I just recently broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years, two days before Valentines. We were high school sweethearts, and even started to plan our wedding. When we broke up, I tried to get him back in all the wrong ways. I called constantly, wrote a letter, and went over to his dorm when he didn't want to see me. He told me that I was too dependent of him, and that I was choking him. And that he didn't want me to e-mail, call him ever again. He had to force me out of his dorm room.

Now, my boyfriend Cody... ex-boyfriend... is under-taking a challenging major. In his department the professors, and the other students don't take him seriously. So everyday is like he feels like he has to prove himself, and the stress got to be too much. Not only in his school work but also in our relationship. Cody bottles up stress, and I just happened to be the one he took it out on. If Cody isn't in the Art building, he's either working his job from 5:30-8:30 every night, or in his dorm. He's been known to stay up until 5 in the morning working on his projects. With my dependency I pushed him over the edge. It was like I was stretching a rubber band and it finally snapped. Don't get me wrong... Cody is not a violent person. He just does not know how to manage his stress.The last time I tried to see him he told me he didn't want me to call him, or e-mail him or anything.

It still hurt like heck but it took me almost a week-straight of crying to finally get to the bottom of my problem of why I was so dependent on him. I was raped and molested at age 6, and it continued for 3 years. I never got help with the issue. I believe this may have been the cause on why I was so dependent on him. I lived in denial for 14 years of my life thinking that it never happened, and during that time I constantly beat myself up about it thinking that I was ugly, stupid, and that I wasn't good enough, or worthy enough for anyone to love me. No one knew about my rape except my close friends; and I actually didn't tell my mom until recently. It didn't matter if someone told me I was stupid, or ugly, because I already thought about myself like that. I convinced myself that I was. Now, I've started going to therapy, gotten involved in a church group, and I am finally feeling good about myself for the first time. I'm finally seeing what Cody saw in me all this time. This break-up has really allowed me to put myself and what happened to me in perspective. I can say that I don't regret the break-up because honestly I don't think I would have ever dealt with this issue. But still I miss him very much.

My therapist told me that all I had been doing coincided with the behavioral symptoms for something called "Rape Trauma Syndrome". I've done some research on my own, and I have about 7 of the behavioral symptoms including: dependency in relationships, living in denial, feeling not worthy, and believing that you won't have much of a future, and that you won't live long. He said that I didn't really know what I was doing because I was trying to in a sense "survive". Knowing all this has lifted such a weight off of me. One Sunday night, Cody called me after he saw me in Church to tell me that he forgave me, and that he just wanted to be friends. I've somewhat accepted this concept of being "friends" with him only because I know that I don't want to infringe on his personal space again. I do still want to continue our relationship because I am crazy about him. But I know I must take care of myself first, at the same time I don't want to loose him for good.

Our relationship was never perfect. We had our good times, and our bad but we still managed to stick together and make the most of our time together. We were an incredible team, and we talked about the future often. When life at home was less then perfect, Cody would listen to all my problems, and I him. We were a great comfort to each other, and brought each other up. In high school, I was probably more centered on him then anything else. My parents would tell me that I had to get out more with friends but I didn't listen. But I honestly didn't think that I had much of a future so I didn't try very hard in school. I pushed back the thought of my rape all those years, and actually tried to convince myself that it never even happened.

I told Cody what had happened to me after we had been dating almost a year. He told me it wasn't my fault what had happened to me, and honestly I didn't believe him even though Cody was the first person to tell me that I was beautiful, that I was smart, and that I was loved. I thought it was amazing that someone could care so much about a girl like me. It was easier to believe all these things when Cody and I were in the same room. But when I was alone at night in my room I would go back to telling myself I wasn't good enough. But I am. Now, I am starting to see all that and more in me. I really feel like someone has breathed oxygen into my lungs again. I feel wonderful. I'm finally beginning to love myself. I'm 20 now, and I can't believe that I survived this long... but I did!

I really feel that I've grown a lot in the past months, both emotionally, and spiritually. Even Cody's roommate Daniel commented that I seem to be a totally different person. And honestly I don't even feel like that scared, wounded little girl anymore. I AM a new woman!

I honestly feel that Cody is the man for me. There is still chemistry between us, and I know there are possibilities that there are other guys out there, but I really can't think of myself being with anyone else. I know I must take care of myself before testing our relationship again. And I do believe that once I get myself together, and heal more that our relationship will be so much more then it was before. I know that I want to tell Cody all that I've learned about myself in the past months of us breaking up. And I want to do this purely as his friend. I don't want to insinuate a relationship with him and I'm afraid thats what he'll be thinking if I try to talk to him. I'm not ready for that and neither is he.

So finally, Aunt B, my question: The next break coming up is Easter break. I know he will be home, and I am planning to go back and stay with a friend of mine that I haven't seen in a while that lives in the same town. I think that during break would be a good time to talk to him but I am really not sure. My cat is buried in his front yard and I was planning on planting flowers for her, and see if Cody would help me, and then possibly try and talk to him afterward. But I don't want him to feel trapped. I've overstepped my boundaries once and he forgave me for doing all those things, but I absolutely do not want to do that again. How can I talk to him without him feeling like I'm forcing myself on him again? I know that whatever happens Cody will need time and space and I am so willing to give him both. But how will I know when he is ready for us to continue our relationship? Is it something I'll just know? My therapist said something about I had been chasing Cody all this time, and that if I actually stop going after him he might go after me. But I still feel like I personally need to tell him all I've learned.

Thank you for taking time to read this! Any advice you can tell me will be great!

Signed,

A******





Dear A******,

Well Sweetie, you've been through it. The best thing you ever did was to get into counseling. I do believe with the right counselor and a willingness to change, all things can happen. A good counselor does not hand you the answers. I see them playing "Devil's Advocate" and helping you pull the answers out. Sometimes though, there are no answers and you have to rebuild the person that was broken down and learn coping skills. It seems to me, that you are doing this.
The variables are different, case to case, person to person but I can identify with every point you made. I was raped at least 3 times. It takes away an innocence but after being betrayed by your rapist, you begin a habit of distrust. The world is not an easy place but then you throw in a brew of being violated, especially on a continual basis and you have conjured up a vat of many emotions. You will often feel that people have an underhanded motive to their flattery and in life in general.
Rape of any kind is and can be so harmful. But when a child is raped, it can change the way they view life forever. It is a heinous crime to the highest power. I can only hope that my good friend Mz. Karma Bitchslap pays a visit to your rapist and if it's any consolation, they might get away with it in this life but I have to believe they will pay. I'm banking on retribution. In the meantime we must also be aware that anger kills. Keeping emotions, hurt, shame and that nasty ol' anger, can and will eat you alive. I think you know this and your counseling was and is the best thing you could ever do. Getting over some of these hurdles and emotions will be your way of winning. I am a firm believer that by entertaining anger, shame and a general feeling of worthlessness allows your rapist to win. Don't you give it to them. Take back your life, take back your emotions and take back control of you.
Being raped can cause a whole adaptation of our very being. We will often incorporate a survivalist mentality and often, we are not even aware that we are doing it. What's even worse, is when we do behave in a manner befitting Rape Trauma Syndrome. There are a lot of things, rape victims tend to do, even though they might know it's not really the right thing to do. Victims of rape are sometimes promiscuous and addiction, drowning out emotion, can often add insult to injury. A lot of it comes down to self worth. We may think we are not worthy in general.
I may possibly understand how you feel and I think the key here is going to be honesty, remember this.
It seems to me, you are very intelligent, I gather this from your prose but you have a distinct advantage over others, you might not even realize; you have empathy on this subject.

So, what to do? You have already taken several steps towards your healing, counseling is a big part of that. I mentioned honesty and let me add perspective. O.K., I do not know what you look like. You could be beautiful but this has made you feel ugly. What you need is reality and acceptance. How do we do this? First, we look in the mirror, literally. I did this and have been doing it every day since I adopted this into my being. I see a fairly attractive woman. I am not beautiful but I clean up good. I think a few years ago, I may have even been pretty but we'll use the word attractive. For years, I felt ugly on one hand but knew that I was OK, on the other. It comes down to feeling good in your own skin. Then, you must work on who you are. Are you a negative person? Do you behave like a victim? Then, you look in the mirror figuratively and assess yourself, each and every day. A person only grows if they nurture themselves. You will not find that in other people, money or material things. No, you have to become a woman on your own. It is a right of passage to feel comfortable in your own skin. You must be aware that it is real easy for us to look for happiness or fulfillment in people or material things. Was Cody this to you or a security blanket? Now, let me make it clear that I am not stating that this is what you were doing but I simply want you to look at it. Until you are happy with yourself, you are no good to any one else. You must stand on your own and work through all your own demons. Get it out and always look in the mirror. Be ok with yourself. Be realistic with yourself. Do not look for fault but assessment, as to what you have to offer. Most importantly, I want you to realize that what happened to you was not your fault and you should have no shame for it. Whoever did this was a heinous ass and it is easy to stay angry about it. If you do that though or continue to be victimized by it, you just that; it's victim. Stop!

I want you to begin the healing so you may stand on your own as a woman. Grow from this and rise above it. Look in the mirror and be honest as to what you have to bring to any relationship. I will repeat, do not look for fault. We all have faults, you don't own the market on that one and I don't care if you're Miss America, if we chose to, we will and can find fault. Be realistic as to who you are. Make sure you have NOT become needy. This is why I stress growing and standing on your own, as a person, as a woman. If you put on that *Bitch Belt and you become an assertive woman, who states her needs, does not play the victim or have a sense of entitlement, you will be a well rounded package. I think with Cody, even though it was or is love, you may have used that situation to buffer yourself. It was somewhat, possibly *Co-Dependency.

You're codependent for sure if, when you die,
someone else's life flashes in front of your eyes.

You've got to be you before you can be a couple and really before you have anything to offer. I think you are trying to do this right now and I think you are on the right road, the road to recovery. Most of all, remember when you start feeling bad or worthless, like a big ball of nothing, you let that SOB win. Take it back baby and put on that *Bitch Belt. Yes, I want you to wear it like Prada!



Stand Up

I am in complete agreement with your therapist. If you do not chase Cody, if it's true love, he will come back. If it's real and wholesome, he never left, he just took a break and you will always be on his mind. But the more independent you become, the more you have to offer. If he sees that you can exist without him, he's going to look at the situation. You need to be able to exist without him. If you are in the same room, you need to be only you, if you are a 1000 miles apart, you need to be able to cope on your own. Want and Addiction to a relationship are two different things.

Baby Steps

I truly believe for two people to become one in union, you can't have a fraction and a whole part. The math just doesn't add up, does it? Are you a fraction?
In marriage, it has to be 1+1=1 but that one is a whole number and is divisible, all on it's own. Don't be a fraction. Work on you and how you want to be perceived. Do you want to be perceived as needy, unhappy, negative or a victim? I don't think you do and I am not implying that you are. What i am saying is to assess yourself. You have that power of deducement or you may have lost your mind, long ago. I know you've flirted with the edge but you are a survivalist. Be proud of that, ok?

Baby Steps


I know and would bet money that you want me to tell you to run to him, when you go home for Easter vacation. But I would love to tell you to keep yourself far away from him. Easter is coming and you are chomping at the bit, rightly so. You love this guy, this is clear. I know you want to better yourself and to rise above all this or you would not have bothered to write me a lengthy letter, which by the way, I am flattered that you asked me for my opinion.
I know what love is. I have loved and been loved. I have had that kind of love, where you look at them and it takes your breath away. I've also known the kind of love, if you want to call it that, where if he was in a bad mood, I tip toed around. He had the ability to crush me in every way. He also was able to take my good days and turn then to crap. Then, I'd set about pampering him and trying to make it right. I took it personal, as if I had to make it right. It was extremely unhealthy and I slipped into further mental illness and addiction just trying to shut it up. I couldn't fix him but boy did I try. I was one sick individual and when we argued because he had that bad day and he told me that I was an ugly bitch or worthless, I believed him. He was cruel to me and I played a victim and let him do this to me. Notice the word "let." I may have been whole or close to it when the relationship started but he reduced me to a fraction. I let him do this. I had to stop allowing him to use my weaknesses against me. I had to begin to look in the mirror and ask myself if I really was a worthless ugly bitch?
I looked in the mirror and I did not like what I saw because I did see a worthless ugly bitch. I cleaned that mirror and washed my face and mind and peered into again. What I saw was a woman who'd been playing a victim and allowing all my garbage to be worn all over me. People had to have seen it as clear as the black eyes, he'd given me more than a dozen times. I was able to get away from him but not before I'd looked in the mirror and was truthful with myself. It was only then that I was able to say, "Hey, you're not half bad. You are a good hearted person, witty, a good conversationalist and well rounded. You are loving and affectionate (which took some work), a good lover, wife, person and you have a lot to offer." I have never been egotistical but quite the opposite. But you must love yourself before you can love anyone else. You must be truthful with yourself, break it down and build it back up.

Your Answer

How bad do you want this? One of two things will happen, once you put on that *Bitch Belt. You will become stronger, you will become whole and you will be noteworthy. Your self-worth will be evident, your self-assurance will shine through.
Or?
You used Cody as a security blanket and as you grow into who you are, you will stand up, see yourself and be comfortable in your own skin. You will no longer need a security blanket or buffer from the world. You will stand up and state that you will no longer allow some loathsome creature to own you or your emotions. You will say that what was done to you by that Pedophile was in the past and you kick it to the curb. Take back you, G-friend. Stand up and face it, in your mind and stare it down. Out loud you say that you refuse to allow this to keep you down, not one more frigin minute. I want you to take in a huge breath, gather up all those nasty memories and blow them in the wind. If you get another memory or flashback, you do this every damn time and blow it all out, get it out and let it go. Take that hurt, pain, shame, guilt and anger and flush it. Take back you and continue to see your therapist.
OK, Easter vacation? After you have done all this, I know you'll want to call him. Feel it out. If you have done your homework, he'll feel it. When you call him and you don't sound like you are going to tax his emotions, he will know. He may feel it enough and offer to see you. If given the opportunity, you offer to possibly have coffee and you state that you would like to speak with him. If he says no, walk away, figuratively, dignity intact. It may not be time yet. Time heals all wounds, really it does. He may grow away from you but if it's meant to be, he'll sense the changes. If he agrees to meet with you, I want you to look your best, you know, fix your hair real nice, wear something, nice, not too provocative. But before you walk out that door, you put your "Bitch Belt" on.
Now, you hold your head up. You will not be that same woman, you know that girl who was raped and couldn't let it go or that needy, I can't live without you, you are my only existence, my entire world, girl. You will stand up, as a woman, with so much to offer, a beautiful diamond. Diamonds withstand the highest heat to obtain their brilliance. You are now a diamond and you will shine. You have gone through all this to arrive, a woman with value.
A true woman is one that is also capable of seeing when she was wrong. You must admit your part in this whole situation. You may have just pushed his buttons and he snapped, as you yourself said. You apologize for pushing him to that point. Now, here's the only reason I want you to see him...to apologize. If you do not have ulterior motives, you will not seem needy. No, you have gone to see him, to right a wrong. You owe him that. If you go with the needy, "We have to get back together," scenario, rooted as your motive, you need to stop right there. No, you must start with accountability for your actions. You are no longer a victim, placing all your pain and junk, all on his broad shoulders.
Go to the house or where ever you guys decide to meet, if he agrees. Do not touch him or try to hug him, unless he offers it. Even if he does, don't fall right in, keep some distance between you. You tell him that you have worked through things and you realize that you have not been fair and you are so sorry. You tell him that he did not deserve all that, he's a good guy and you never meant to hurt him or push him so far. Now, here's the important part, take note; if he has just listened to you and not said anything, which I encourage you to state you want to be heard, you apologize finally, stand as to walk out and extend your hand to shake it. It will be a sense of closure on that chapter. He will either take you in his arms or let you walk away. Do not plead and beg but walk away, if he does not seem interested or receptive. You have now planted a seed of a new you, a woman of the highest caliber. It may take all of your will power to walk away but you need to...unless, he pulls you to him, ok?

I can't guarantee, this will work to get him back but you will know where you stand. If you walk away because he let you, it will instantly be seen that you have not behaved as you did when he had you leave before, right? It will make him think, if he really loves you. If he does not love you and I truly wish for this to work for you, you will have walked away with your held high, done your part to make it right and not leave a bad taste in his mouth. You must then move on but you will have grown from it. Stand up, you are a diamond!




Definition of a Bitch and or Bitch Belt
*I want you to wear one of Aunt B's Bitch Belts. It is a figurative term I want you to take to heart. The kind of Bitch I'm talking about is not what some people think or understand. I'm talking about a new breed of woman/young woman, that is not passive and not aggressive. No, she is ASSERTIVE. In todays world, we've, as women, had to adapt and wear many hats, that of woman first, then wife and mother. I am not talking about feminist issues or "I am woman, hear me roar." But a woman who juggles all this and does it well, especially in the work place, is often called a "Bitch." I'm wearing that label like a designer pair of Jimmy Choo shoes or a Ann Taylor suit with a Dolce Gabbana purse. Get my drift? We're not putting out cause some guy thinks a date defines a sexual escapade. We're the new woman and we're standing proud. We're pedigree without the pretentiousness. The 2007 version of Bitch, says what she means, means what she says and tries to not say it too mean. She's a good woman who commands respect, owns her virtue and pursues happiness, not at any one else's expense. She states her needs and is reasonable, level headed and even keeled. She is fair and treats others as she wants to be treated. She also understands what a good man is; he's a fella that respects her as his equal, in all things. Just as she understands it takes two to tango, that a marriage is an equal partnership and endeavor and love is nurtured only by the best of friends, he embraces the physical differences between you. One can not function in all things without the other. This is new school and all bets are off. If you want to be successful in life, you'll stand by your values, not bend or break and you sure won't give into the sexual advances for the sake of a date.

This is a comment, I had given to a dear Sister in the same crisis. This aptly applies to you, too;
I think getting it off your chest is the first step and I see you are doing that. Now, the second is to remember,"Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord your God." I want you to begin a vigilant prayer, that God handle this situation. You ask him for strength and comfort. You ask him for wisdom to understand and to use it to help others, as you are trying to do. You will begin the healing once you can..."Let Go and Let God."
You do no good to yourself or anyone else with your anger. You allow him to have power over you still. You ask God to take away this animosity and you ask Him to do what you can not. Every single time you feel this anger, you must turn to God in prayer and ask Him to help you get through this and to help you let go of this anger. It is not healthy to be so angry in a situation where your hands are tied. It can and will eat you alive. Take back control of you, take back your power and then hand it to God. Every waking, angry moment, you get yourself into prayer, conversation with God. He will see you through the fire. I will also pray for you. I understand how you feel. I have been through it myself. There's not much else you can do than this, to break a spirit. Don't let this break you. Don't give him this. Let go and let God.



This is an Update from the author of the letter to me, her comment...

WOW.... wow! That's all I can say right now! Thank you so much for replying! Reading this has been such an awaking experience for me; even though so much has happened since the time I wrote this! OK so I'll start at the beginning:

I've gone to theraphy 3 times now; so much has come back to me. I lost years of my childhood that I absolutely don't remember, but things are coming back. I'm remembering more details about what happened. I know it's a little weird for me to say this but it makes me feel good. This person not only took my virginity from me but he tried to take more! I wanted to take my own life, twice. Once when I was 9 years old, and something told me to "STOP!". I had a razor against my wrist and something told me that there was someone who was struggling just as much as I was, and finding out more about Cody's childhood (he was beaten a lot as a kid) I think he was it. And the second time I was older, 16 I think. I was just so sick of being in my own skin. I was sick of beating myself up. I hated myself. I remember taking a bottle of Tylenole PM from under my mom's sink when my parents went out; I remember opening the bottle and taking two pills out, about to take out a third when Cody called me. He saved my life that night, and I never told him.

And even though I tried to believe him when he told me I was beautiful I didn't believe him; but now I do! I am beautiful, brave, intellegent- I am becoming everything I wanted myself to be. I'm not completly there yet but I'm on my way. I've also been doing a lot of praying. I gave myself to the Lord that day in church, I've been healing both mentally and spirtiually- and I have never felt better. All that hurt that I had, all those bad feelings about myself..... gone. I know that might sound a little werid, and honestly I was afraid to give myself to the Lord. I was afraid because I knew that if I did I would have to deal with the issue of my rape, and I didn't want too. I've never really had a close relationship with my Dad either, and going to church more has taught me that I associated my relationship with my own father with that of the heavenly Father. I've been giving so much to the Lord, and I've realized that the more I give- the more I get back.

And you know what? Thing have been coming together with Cody too! He's called me! We even went out for a run, and lunch too. He's been seeing change in me. We've talked more and more about religion, about God, and about the world around us. He starting to look at me the same way again. Even though I know we can only be friends right now... I know that as time passes its going to grow more and more into something else. Yes, our relationship with never be the same. It can't ever be the same: but it can be so much better, and I believe that. And I know he's scared that I'll turn into that dependancy monster- but that can't ever happen, I'm healing both sides of me. That scared girl who thought she was nothing is dead. I am strong, I am beautiful, and I am alive!

One day when I was praying, just having a quiet moment on my way back to my dorm I had this angel whisper: "Instead of trying to be the woman of Cody's dreams, why don't you become the woman of yours? You never know, it could be the same person!" I've been living by that ever since. It's been amazing!

I've begun to tell more people about what happened to me, and the more people I tell the more I'm finding out that the same thing happened to them. I actually wrote about it on myspace and I've had so many people tell me that they were shocked and so proud of me that I'm getting help. I found out that one of my best friends in elementary school experienced the same thing; and I never knew! She was always so happy! It just makes me so angry. And it's never going to stop. More and more children will be victimized. It sickens me!

Another thing that came to me when I was praying what I wanted to do with my life. I've always wanted to be a writer. Always, but I never had time to write. I took writing classes at school but when we had to write about myself, I couldn't. I've realized that God wants me to write about my story. It's going to be hard and a long process but I know on order to help people I have to do this. Church has opened my eyes even more to things I didn't realize. For instance... there's a saying in the Bible, something like what Satan uses for bad, God can turn into good, and I think writing about will help that. And if anyone wants to say that God doesn't exhist... look at me. I'm not supposed to be here. I survived something that was supposed to take me out, and I'm still here. I am still here. People may abandon me- but the Lord never will.

Speaking of which.... Easter. The more time that passes, the more I pray, I'm realizing it would be a good time to talk to him. The fact that he's been wanting to do more stuff with me I've realized that it would be okay to talk to him. But I must make sure and mention first that I don't want to kickstart our relationship because he's not ready for it and neither am I. I'm still learning more about myself. And the more I learn- the more I find out I'm a wonderful person. And as more time passes I've realized that yes, there could be another person out there for me. Even though Cody has answered so many prayers for me.... I've realized that there could be someone else. But at the same time God is telling me that this summer is going to be amazing for the both of us. Things aren't over between us, after 5 years- I mean come on! And no matter what happens I know that we'll still at least be friends, and I'll be absolutely golden no matter what happens. I don't know whats in store for my future, and honestly I'm not scared. But I know it's going to be amazing.... but summer... that I'll have to leave for another update!

Thank you so much again Aunt B. for your advice!

God Bless!

A******