Stand Up, You Are A Diamond

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Dear Aunt B,

My problem is a little confusing so please bear with me. I just recently broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years, two days before Valentines. We were high school sweethearts, and even started to plan our wedding. When we broke up, I tried to get him back in all the wrong ways. I called constantly, wrote a letter, and went over to his dorm when he didn't want to see me. He told me that I was too dependent of him, and that I was choking him. And that he didn't want me to e-mail, call him ever again. He had to force me out of his dorm room.

Now, my boyfriend Cody... ex-boyfriend... is under-taking a challenging major. In his department the professors, and the other students don't take him seriously. So everyday is like he feels like he has to prove himself, and the stress got to be too much. Not only in his school work but also in our relationship. Cody bottles up stress, and I just happened to be the one he took it out on. If Cody isn't in the Art building, he's either working his job from 5:30-8:30 every night, or in his dorm. He's been known to stay up until 5 in the morning working on his projects. With my dependency I pushed him over the edge. It was like I was stretching a rubber band and it finally snapped. Don't get me wrong... Cody is not a violent person. He just does not know how to manage his stress.The last time I tried to see him he told me he didn't want me to call him, or e-mail him or anything.

It still hurt like heck but it took me almost a week-straight of crying to finally get to the bottom of my problem of why I was so dependent on him. I was raped and molested at age 6, and it continued for 3 years. I never got help with the issue. I believe this may have been the cause on why I was so dependent on him. I lived in denial for 14 years of my life thinking that it never happened, and during that time I constantly beat myself up about it thinking that I was ugly, stupid, and that I wasn't good enough, or worthy enough for anyone to love me. No one knew about my rape except my close friends; and I actually didn't tell my mom until recently. It didn't matter if someone told me I was stupid, or ugly, because I already thought about myself like that. I convinced myself that I was. Now, I've started going to therapy, gotten involved in a church group, and I am finally feeling good about myself for the first time. I'm finally seeing what Cody saw in me all this time. This break-up has really allowed me to put myself and what happened to me in perspective. I can say that I don't regret the break-up because honestly I don't think I would have ever dealt with this issue. But still I miss him very much.

My therapist told me that all I had been doing coincided with the behavioral symptoms for something called "Rape Trauma Syndrome". I've done some research on my own, and I have about 7 of the behavioral symptoms including: dependency in relationships, living in denial, feeling not worthy, and believing that you won't have much of a future, and that you won't live long. He said that I didn't really know what I was doing because I was trying to in a sense "survive". Knowing all this has lifted such a weight off of me. One Sunday night, Cody called me after he saw me in Church to tell me that he forgave me, and that he just wanted to be friends. I've somewhat accepted this concept of being "friends" with him only because I know that I don't want to infringe on his personal space again. I do still want to continue our relationship because I am crazy about him. But I know I must take care of myself first, at the same time I don't want to loose him for good.

Our relationship was never perfect. We had our good times, and our bad but we still managed to stick together and make the most of our time together. We were an incredible team, and we talked about the future often. When life at home was less then perfect, Cody would listen to all my problems, and I him. We were a great comfort to each other, and brought each other up. In high school, I was probably more centered on him then anything else. My parents would tell me that I had to get out more with friends but I didn't listen. But I honestly didn't think that I had much of a future so I didn't try very hard in school. I pushed back the thought of my rape all those years, and actually tried to convince myself that it never even happened.

I told Cody what had happened to me after we had been dating almost a year. He told me it wasn't my fault what had happened to me, and honestly I didn't believe him even though Cody was the first person to tell me that I was beautiful, that I was smart, and that I was loved. I thought it was amazing that someone could care so much about a girl like me. It was easier to believe all these things when Cody and I were in the same room. But when I was alone at night in my room I would go back to telling myself I wasn't good enough. But I am. Now, I am starting to see all that and more in me. I really feel like someone has breathed oxygen into my lungs again. I feel wonderful. I'm finally beginning to love myself. I'm 20 now, and I can't believe that I survived this long... but I did!

I really feel that I've grown a lot in the past months, both emotionally, and spiritually. Even Cody's roommate Daniel commented that I seem to be a totally different person. And honestly I don't even feel like that scared, wounded little girl anymore. I AM a new woman!

I honestly feel that Cody is the man for me. There is still chemistry between us, and I know there are possibilities that there are other guys out there, but I really can't think of myself being with anyone else. I know I must take care of myself before testing our relationship again. And I do believe that once I get myself together, and heal more that our relationship will be so much more then it was before. I know that I want to tell Cody all that I've learned about myself in the past months of us breaking up. And I want to do this purely as his friend. I don't want to insinuate a relationship with him and I'm afraid thats what he'll be thinking if I try to talk to him. I'm not ready for that and neither is he.

So finally, Aunt B, my question: The next break coming up is Easter break. I know he will be home, and I am planning to go back and stay with a friend of mine that I haven't seen in a while that lives in the same town. I think that during break would be a good time to talk to him but I am really not sure. My cat is buried in his front yard and I was planning on planting flowers for her, and see if Cody would help me, and then possibly try and talk to him afterward. But I don't want him to feel trapped. I've overstepped my boundaries once and he forgave me for doing all those things, but I absolutely do not want to do that again. How can I talk to him without him feeling like I'm forcing myself on him again? I know that whatever happens Cody will need time and space and I am so willing to give him both. But how will I know when he is ready for us to continue our relationship? Is it something I'll just know? My therapist said something about I had been chasing Cody all this time, and that if I actually stop going after him he might go after me. But I still feel like I personally need to tell him all I've learned.

Thank you for taking time to read this! Any advice you can tell me will be great!

Signed,

A******





Dear A******,

Well Sweetie, you've been through it. The best thing you ever did was to get into counseling. I do believe with the right counselor and a willingness to change, all things can happen. A good counselor does not hand you the answers. I see them playing "Devil's Advocate" and helping you pull the answers out. Sometimes though, there are no answers and you have to rebuild the person that was broken down and learn coping skills. It seems to me, that you are doing this.
The variables are different, case to case, person to person but I can identify with every point you made. I was raped at least 3 times. It takes away an innocence but after being betrayed by your rapist, you begin a habit of distrust. The world is not an easy place but then you throw in a brew of being violated, especially on a continual basis and you have conjured up a vat of many emotions. You will often feel that people have an underhanded motive to their flattery and in life in general.
Rape of any kind is and can be so harmful. But when a child is raped, it can change the way they view life forever. It is a heinous crime to the highest power. I can only hope that my good friend Mz. Karma Bitchslap pays a visit to your rapist and if it's any consolation, they might get away with it in this life but I have to believe they will pay. I'm banking on retribution. In the meantime we must also be aware that anger kills. Keeping emotions, hurt, shame and that nasty ol' anger, can and will eat you alive. I think you know this and your counseling was and is the best thing you could ever do. Getting over some of these hurdles and emotions will be your way of winning. I am a firm believer that by entertaining anger, shame and a general feeling of worthlessness allows your rapist to win. Don't you give it to them. Take back your life, take back your emotions and take back control of you.
Being raped can cause a whole adaptation of our very being. We will often incorporate a survivalist mentality and often, we are not even aware that we are doing it. What's even worse, is when we do behave in a manner befitting Rape Trauma Syndrome. There are a lot of things, rape victims tend to do, even though they might know it's not really the right thing to do. Victims of rape are sometimes promiscuous and addiction, drowning out emotion, can often add insult to injury. A lot of it comes down to self worth. We may think we are not worthy in general.
I may possibly understand how you feel and I think the key here is going to be honesty, remember this.
It seems to me, you are very intelligent, I gather this from your prose but you have a distinct advantage over others, you might not even realize; you have empathy on this subject.

So, what to do? You have already taken several steps towards your healing, counseling is a big part of that. I mentioned honesty and let me add perspective. O.K., I do not know what you look like. You could be beautiful but this has made you feel ugly. What you need is reality and acceptance. How do we do this? First, we look in the mirror, literally. I did this and have been doing it every day since I adopted this into my being. I see a fairly attractive woman. I am not beautiful but I clean up good. I think a few years ago, I may have even been pretty but we'll use the word attractive. For years, I felt ugly on one hand but knew that I was OK, on the other. It comes down to feeling good in your own skin. Then, you must work on who you are. Are you a negative person? Do you behave like a victim? Then, you look in the mirror figuratively and assess yourself, each and every day. A person only grows if they nurture themselves. You will not find that in other people, money or material things. No, you have to become a woman on your own. It is a right of passage to feel comfortable in your own skin. You must be aware that it is real easy for us to look for happiness or fulfillment in people or material things. Was Cody this to you or a security blanket? Now, let me make it clear that I am not stating that this is what you were doing but I simply want you to look at it. Until you are happy with yourself, you are no good to any one else. You must stand on your own and work through all your own demons. Get it out and always look in the mirror. Be ok with yourself. Be realistic with yourself. Do not look for fault but assessment, as to what you have to offer. Most importantly, I want you to realize that what happened to you was not your fault and you should have no shame for it. Whoever did this was a heinous ass and it is easy to stay angry about it. If you do that though or continue to be victimized by it, you just that; it's victim. Stop!

I want you to begin the healing so you may stand on your own as a woman. Grow from this and rise above it. Look in the mirror and be honest as to what you have to bring to any relationship. I will repeat, do not look for fault. We all have faults, you don't own the market on that one and I don't care if you're Miss America, if we chose to, we will and can find fault. Be realistic as to who you are. Make sure you have NOT become needy. This is why I stress growing and standing on your own, as a person, as a woman. If you put on that *Bitch Belt and you become an assertive woman, who states her needs, does not play the victim or have a sense of entitlement, you will be a well rounded package. I think with Cody, even though it was or is love, you may have used that situation to buffer yourself. It was somewhat, possibly *Co-Dependency.

You're codependent for sure if, when you die,
someone else's life flashes in front of your eyes.

You've got to be you before you can be a couple and really before you have anything to offer. I think you are trying to do this right now and I think you are on the right road, the road to recovery. Most of all, remember when you start feeling bad or worthless, like a big ball of nothing, you let that SOB win. Take it back baby and put on that *Bitch Belt. Yes, I want you to wear it like Prada!



Stand Up

I am in complete agreement with your therapist. If you do not chase Cody, if it's true love, he will come back. If it's real and wholesome, he never left, he just took a break and you will always be on his mind. But the more independent you become, the more you have to offer. If he sees that you can exist without him, he's going to look at the situation. You need to be able to exist without him. If you are in the same room, you need to be only you, if you are a 1000 miles apart, you need to be able to cope on your own. Want and Addiction to a relationship are two different things.

Baby Steps

I truly believe for two people to become one in union, you can't have a fraction and a whole part. The math just doesn't add up, does it? Are you a fraction?
In marriage, it has to be 1+1=1 but that one is a whole number and is divisible, all on it's own. Don't be a fraction. Work on you and how you want to be perceived. Do you want to be perceived as needy, unhappy, negative or a victim? I don't think you do and I am not implying that you are. What i am saying is to assess yourself. You have that power of deducement or you may have lost your mind, long ago. I know you've flirted with the edge but you are a survivalist. Be proud of that, ok?

Baby Steps


I know and would bet money that you want me to tell you to run to him, when you go home for Easter vacation. But I would love to tell you to keep yourself far away from him. Easter is coming and you are chomping at the bit, rightly so. You love this guy, this is clear. I know you want to better yourself and to rise above all this or you would not have bothered to write me a lengthy letter, which by the way, I am flattered that you asked me for my opinion.
I know what love is. I have loved and been loved. I have had that kind of love, where you look at them and it takes your breath away. I've also known the kind of love, if you want to call it that, where if he was in a bad mood, I tip toed around. He had the ability to crush me in every way. He also was able to take my good days and turn then to crap. Then, I'd set about pampering him and trying to make it right. I took it personal, as if I had to make it right. It was extremely unhealthy and I slipped into further mental illness and addiction just trying to shut it up. I couldn't fix him but boy did I try. I was one sick individual and when we argued because he had that bad day and he told me that I was an ugly bitch or worthless, I believed him. He was cruel to me and I played a victim and let him do this to me. Notice the word "let." I may have been whole or close to it when the relationship started but he reduced me to a fraction. I let him do this. I had to stop allowing him to use my weaknesses against me. I had to begin to look in the mirror and ask myself if I really was a worthless ugly bitch?
I looked in the mirror and I did not like what I saw because I did see a worthless ugly bitch. I cleaned that mirror and washed my face and mind and peered into again. What I saw was a woman who'd been playing a victim and allowing all my garbage to be worn all over me. People had to have seen it as clear as the black eyes, he'd given me more than a dozen times. I was able to get away from him but not before I'd looked in the mirror and was truthful with myself. It was only then that I was able to say, "Hey, you're not half bad. You are a good hearted person, witty, a good conversationalist and well rounded. You are loving and affectionate (which took some work), a good lover, wife, person and you have a lot to offer." I have never been egotistical but quite the opposite. But you must love yourself before you can love anyone else. You must be truthful with yourself, break it down and build it back up.

Your Answer

How bad do you want this? One of two things will happen, once you put on that *Bitch Belt. You will become stronger, you will become whole and you will be noteworthy. Your self-worth will be evident, your self-assurance will shine through.
Or?
You used Cody as a security blanket and as you grow into who you are, you will stand up, see yourself and be comfortable in your own skin. You will no longer need a security blanket or buffer from the world. You will stand up and state that you will no longer allow some loathsome creature to own you or your emotions. You will say that what was done to you by that Pedophile was in the past and you kick it to the curb. Take back you, G-friend. Stand up and face it, in your mind and stare it down. Out loud you say that you refuse to allow this to keep you down, not one more frigin minute. I want you to take in a huge breath, gather up all those nasty memories and blow them in the wind. If you get another memory or flashback, you do this every damn time and blow it all out, get it out and let it go. Take that hurt, pain, shame, guilt and anger and flush it. Take back you and continue to see your therapist.
OK, Easter vacation? After you have done all this, I know you'll want to call him. Feel it out. If you have done your homework, he'll feel it. When you call him and you don't sound like you are going to tax his emotions, he will know. He may feel it enough and offer to see you. If given the opportunity, you offer to possibly have coffee and you state that you would like to speak with him. If he says no, walk away, figuratively, dignity intact. It may not be time yet. Time heals all wounds, really it does. He may grow away from you but if it's meant to be, he'll sense the changes. If he agrees to meet with you, I want you to look your best, you know, fix your hair real nice, wear something, nice, not too provocative. But before you walk out that door, you put your "Bitch Belt" on.
Now, you hold your head up. You will not be that same woman, you know that girl who was raped and couldn't let it go or that needy, I can't live without you, you are my only existence, my entire world, girl. You will stand up, as a woman, with so much to offer, a beautiful diamond. Diamonds withstand the highest heat to obtain their brilliance. You are now a diamond and you will shine. You have gone through all this to arrive, a woman with value.
A true woman is one that is also capable of seeing when she was wrong. You must admit your part in this whole situation. You may have just pushed his buttons and he snapped, as you yourself said. You apologize for pushing him to that point. Now, here's the only reason I want you to see him...to apologize. If you do not have ulterior motives, you will not seem needy. No, you have gone to see him, to right a wrong. You owe him that. If you go with the needy, "We have to get back together," scenario, rooted as your motive, you need to stop right there. No, you must start with accountability for your actions. You are no longer a victim, placing all your pain and junk, all on his broad shoulders.
Go to the house or where ever you guys decide to meet, if he agrees. Do not touch him or try to hug him, unless he offers it. Even if he does, don't fall right in, keep some distance between you. You tell him that you have worked through things and you realize that you have not been fair and you are so sorry. You tell him that he did not deserve all that, he's a good guy and you never meant to hurt him or push him so far. Now, here's the important part, take note; if he has just listened to you and not said anything, which I encourage you to state you want to be heard, you apologize finally, stand as to walk out and extend your hand to shake it. It will be a sense of closure on that chapter. He will either take you in his arms or let you walk away. Do not plead and beg but walk away, if he does not seem interested or receptive. You have now planted a seed of a new you, a woman of the highest caliber. It may take all of your will power to walk away but you need to...unless, he pulls you to him, ok?

I can't guarantee, this will work to get him back but you will know where you stand. If you walk away because he let you, it will instantly be seen that you have not behaved as you did when he had you leave before, right? It will make him think, if he really loves you. If he does not love you and I truly wish for this to work for you, you will have walked away with your held high, done your part to make it right and not leave a bad taste in his mouth. You must then move on but you will have grown from it. Stand up, you are a diamond!




Definition of a Bitch and or Bitch Belt
*I want you to wear one of Aunt B's Bitch Belts. It is a figurative term I want you to take to heart. The kind of Bitch I'm talking about is not what some people think or understand. I'm talking about a new breed of woman/young woman, that is not passive and not aggressive. No, she is ASSERTIVE. In todays world, we've, as women, had to adapt and wear many hats, that of woman first, then wife and mother. I am not talking about feminist issues or "I am woman, hear me roar." But a woman who juggles all this and does it well, especially in the work place, is often called a "Bitch." I'm wearing that label like a designer pair of Jimmy Choo shoes or a Ann Taylor suit with a Dolce Gabbana purse. Get my drift? We're not putting out cause some guy thinks a date defines a sexual escapade. We're the new woman and we're standing proud. We're pedigree without the pretentiousness. The 2007 version of Bitch, says what she means, means what she says and tries to not say it too mean. She's a good woman who commands respect, owns her virtue and pursues happiness, not at any one else's expense. She states her needs and is reasonable, level headed and even keeled. She is fair and treats others as she wants to be treated. She also understands what a good man is; he's a fella that respects her as his equal, in all things. Just as she understands it takes two to tango, that a marriage is an equal partnership and endeavor and love is nurtured only by the best of friends, he embraces the physical differences between you. One can not function in all things without the other. This is new school and all bets are off. If you want to be successful in life, you'll stand by your values, not bend or break and you sure won't give into the sexual advances for the sake of a date.

This is a comment, I had given to a dear Sister in the same crisis. This aptly applies to you, too;
I think getting it off your chest is the first step and I see you are doing that. Now, the second is to remember,"Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord your God." I want you to begin a vigilant prayer, that God handle this situation. You ask him for strength and comfort. You ask him for wisdom to understand and to use it to help others, as you are trying to do. You will begin the healing once you can..."Let Go and Let God."
You do no good to yourself or anyone else with your anger. You allow him to have power over you still. You ask God to take away this animosity and you ask Him to do what you can not. Every single time you feel this anger, you must turn to God in prayer and ask Him to help you get through this and to help you let go of this anger. It is not healthy to be so angry in a situation where your hands are tied. It can and will eat you alive. Take back control of you, take back your power and then hand it to God. Every waking, angry moment, you get yourself into prayer, conversation with God. He will see you through the fire. I will also pray for you. I understand how you feel. I have been through it myself. There's not much else you can do than this, to break a spirit. Don't let this break you. Don't give him this. Let go and let God.



This is an Update from the author of the letter to me, her comment...

WOW.... wow! That's all I can say right now! Thank you so much for replying! Reading this has been such an awaking experience for me; even though so much has happened since the time I wrote this! OK so I'll start at the beginning:

I've gone to theraphy 3 times now; so much has come back to me. I lost years of my childhood that I absolutely don't remember, but things are coming back. I'm remembering more details about what happened. I know it's a little weird for me to say this but it makes me feel good. This person not only took my virginity from me but he tried to take more! I wanted to take my own life, twice. Once when I was 9 years old, and something told me to "STOP!". I had a razor against my wrist and something told me that there was someone who was struggling just as much as I was, and finding out more about Cody's childhood (he was beaten a lot as a kid) I think he was it. And the second time I was older, 16 I think. I was just so sick of being in my own skin. I was sick of beating myself up. I hated myself. I remember taking a bottle of Tylenole PM from under my mom's sink when my parents went out; I remember opening the bottle and taking two pills out, about to take out a third when Cody called me. He saved my life that night, and I never told him.

And even though I tried to believe him when he told me I was beautiful I didn't believe him; but now I do! I am beautiful, brave, intellegent- I am becoming everything I wanted myself to be. I'm not completly there yet but I'm on my way. I've also been doing a lot of praying. I gave myself to the Lord that day in church, I've been healing both mentally and spirtiually- and I have never felt better. All that hurt that I had, all those bad feelings about myself..... gone. I know that might sound a little werid, and honestly I was afraid to give myself to the Lord. I was afraid because I knew that if I did I would have to deal with the issue of my rape, and I didn't want too. I've never really had a close relationship with my Dad either, and going to church more has taught me that I associated my relationship with my own father with that of the heavenly Father. I've been giving so much to the Lord, and I've realized that the more I give- the more I get back.

And you know what? Thing have been coming together with Cody too! He's called me! We even went out for a run, and lunch too. He's been seeing change in me. We've talked more and more about religion, about God, and about the world around us. He starting to look at me the same way again. Even though I know we can only be friends right now... I know that as time passes its going to grow more and more into something else. Yes, our relationship with never be the same. It can't ever be the same: but it can be so much better, and I believe that. And I know he's scared that I'll turn into that dependancy monster- but that can't ever happen, I'm healing both sides of me. That scared girl who thought she was nothing is dead. I am strong, I am beautiful, and I am alive!

One day when I was praying, just having a quiet moment on my way back to my dorm I had this angel whisper: "Instead of trying to be the woman of Cody's dreams, why don't you become the woman of yours? You never know, it could be the same person!" I've been living by that ever since. It's been amazing!

I've begun to tell more people about what happened to me, and the more people I tell the more I'm finding out that the same thing happened to them. I actually wrote about it on myspace and I've had so many people tell me that they were shocked and so proud of me that I'm getting help. I found out that one of my best friends in elementary school experienced the same thing; and I never knew! She was always so happy! It just makes me so angry. And it's never going to stop. More and more children will be victimized. It sickens me!

Another thing that came to me when I was praying what I wanted to do with my life. I've always wanted to be a writer. Always, but I never had time to write. I took writing classes at school but when we had to write about myself, I couldn't. I've realized that God wants me to write about my story. It's going to be hard and a long process but I know on order to help people I have to do this. Church has opened my eyes even more to things I didn't realize. For instance... there's a saying in the Bible, something like what Satan uses for bad, God can turn into good, and I think writing about will help that. And if anyone wants to say that God doesn't exhist... look at me. I'm not supposed to be here. I survived something that was supposed to take me out, and I'm still here. I am still here. People may abandon me- but the Lord never will.

Speaking of which.... Easter. The more time that passes, the more I pray, I'm realizing it would be a good time to talk to him. The fact that he's been wanting to do more stuff with me I've realized that it would be okay to talk to him. But I must make sure and mention first that I don't want to kickstart our relationship because he's not ready for it and neither am I. I'm still learning more about myself. And the more I learn- the more I find out I'm a wonderful person. And as more time passes I've realized that yes, there could be another person out there for me. Even though Cody has answered so many prayers for me.... I've realized that there could be someone else. But at the same time God is telling me that this summer is going to be amazing for the both of us. Things aren't over between us, after 5 years- I mean come on! And no matter what happens I know that we'll still at least be friends, and I'll be absolutely golden no matter what happens. I don't know whats in store for my future, and honestly I'm not scared. But I know it's going to be amazing.... but summer... that I'll have to leave for another update!

Thank you so much again Aunt B. for your advice!

God Bless!

A******