Sunday, February 11, 2007
Hi Aunt B,
My school prom is coming up soon and I have been told that a boy is going to ask me to go with him, this boy told me he liked me a few months ago and I told him I already have a boyfriend (but I don’t really) because I don’t like him in that way. After he told me, we stopped talking to each other because it was awkward, but recently we started talking again. Now, so soon after, he is going to ask me to the prom and I don’t know what to say. If I say yes I’m worried about what he will expect, for example do I have to stay with him the whole time and would I have to dance with him, because I would find that really awkward. Please could you help me with my decision.
Aunt B said...
You seem to me, like a considerate person or I don't think you'd have bothered to ask me this question. I do not believe we are born with etiquette or even scruples, even moral fiber. It may be a learned behavior, passed down by our own parents, people who influence us and often those we respect the most. We also learn a beliefs and values system from the list of influences in our lives. I've even seen people who believe the crap on t.v. and soap opera's and adapt from it. This is probably where you get your Golddiggers and guys who'd be more suited to be a Pimp, rather than a boyfriend. Lest I forget the old school pupils, especially guys, who believe a woman is to be sub servant and when you marry, she becomes your property to use and do with, as they see fit. Submitting to your husband out of respect, (note the word Respect), and being sub servant, are two different things, the latter puts a nasty taste in my mouth. See, it takes all kinds to make the world go round but it can all be attributed to the variables of our influence and what we choose to take on as our own values and beliefs. Get the picture?
You've not given me too much to go on, thus a vague and broad approach. So, I'll try to cover the bases here. You've not stated, that you may believe, that you might not have a date for the prom? Is this why you are even considering going with this guy? I mean, for real, why else would you not simply tell this guy that you don't want to go? But I also noted that you told him, when he asked you out, that you had a boyfriend, just to block his pursuit, right? Don't think that I don't understand. It's very hard, to let someone down, who's trying to be nice and you gave him the best, safest, last minute explanation, you could muster on the moment. Possibly?
You asked my opinion but I think you already know the answer. You must do as your heart dictates, right? Prom decorum is not my strong suit. I was off with the stoners, at the time. Then, at 16, not thinking it would or could happen to me, I got pregnant. This was life altering as I walked up the isle to the alter, four months after my 16th birthday. Is that why they call it,"Standing at the Alter"? So, I was never at a Prom but I know this much; you must treat others the same way you want to be treated.
If you don't like people gossiping about you, not being honest, using you, making fun of you, stealing from you, fooling around on you, taking you for granted and the list could go on and on, then you don't do or behave any way, you wouldn't or shouldn't behave. I am a firm believer in Mz.Karma and what comes around, goes around. This is one of life's little lessons, I had to learn the hard way. Prison is full of people, who've met Mz.Karma. Society calls it justice but as I sat in Prison for 3 1/2 years, I got to know and love Mz.Karma. She taught me well, all about treating people as I wanted to be treated. Yes, this is a harsher version of life and I seriously doubt you will end up as I did. I tell you this as a life lesson, for good reason. We all, formerly meet Mz.Karma Bitchslap, in one way or another, even on a small basis. If you remember these words and practice them, all the days of your life, she'll be your best friend. You can sit back, with amusement and watch as she deals with people everyday, in every way. Those with no compassion, will endure the likeness of that which they did not understand. Those that lived with disregard, towards others, will know her on a first name basis and she will give them a jagged pill to swallow. I know, I lived it.
I am not implying that you behaved sordidly. I am telling you all this, so you may make your own decision. I feel things, I can not explain. We'll call it "Intuitiveness." I am also very Empathic. My intuition tells me that you're a good hearted person who is an individual/independent person, who marches to their own drummer. You want to do the right thing, I know this. So, ask yourself this; if the tables were turned and you wanted to go to the Prom with this guy cause you thought he was all that and you asked him to go to the Prom, what do you want from him? Do you want him to say yes, only to kinda dump you, you know, once you get there? Would it hurt you, for him to walk away and dance with other girls and then, leave with his friends for the after Prom parties? Then, you'd probably be wondering why he even said "yes", when you asked him to go with you?
If you do choose to go with this guy, it won't kill you to dance with him and to hang out. You may find it truly nice to be with someone who thinks you're all that. Live without regret. If you don't think you can get over that awkward feeling, which is worse...sitting home on Prom night or going and telling yourself that it's a date, hopefully, the first of many, in your life and you will commit to having a good time. Going to Prom does not give him license to act like an ass and to push you to do something you're not comfortable with. Do I read between the lines that this may be your concern, that he may want to cash in on his investment? If this is the true reason you are apprehensive, then let's approach this, ok?
Every chick in the world needs to know this; going on a date with any guy does not mean that you owe them jack shit. Nor does a guy buying you a drink, once you're old enough to go out clubbing or whatever. If he buys you dinner and diamonds, it still is not an invite or obligation that you must put out. If you meet a guy who's like this, it's a good indication that he's a peckerhead not worth wasting your time with. True love is rarely found in a one night stand or giving into a guys advances early in the program. Oh sure, they'll talk shit but deep in their mind, they're thinking you're easy and not the kinda chick they'd want to meet their Mom. Nope, they're actually thinking that you're a sleazebucket who puts out and you can bet your butt, all his buddies will know all about it. If this is your real concern and the true meaning of your angst and awkward feeling about this dude, then you must read and re-read this.
If you then choose to go out with this guy on Prom night, I want you to wear one of Aunt B's Bitch belts. It is a figurative term I want you to take to heart. The kind of Bitch I'm talking about is not what some people think or understand. I'm talking about a new breed of woman/young woman, that is not passive and not aggressive. No, she is ASSERTIVE. In todays world, we've, as women, had to adapt and wear many hats, that of woman first, then wife and mother. I am not talking about feminist issues or "I am woman, hear me roar." But a woman who juggles all this and does it well, especially in the work place, is often called a "Bitch." I'm wearing that label like a designer pair of Jimmy Choo shoes or a Ann Taylor suit with a Dolce Gabbana purse. Get my drift? We're not putting out cause some guy thinks a date defines a sexual escapade. We're the new woman and we're standing proud. We're pedigree without the pretentiousness. The 2007 version of Bitch, says what she means, means what she says and tries to not say it too mean. She's a good woman who commands respect, owns her virtue and pursues happiness, not at any one else's expense. She states her needs and is reasonable, level headed and even keeled. She is fair and treats others as she wants to be treated. She also understands what a good man is; he's a fella that respects her as his equal, in all things. Just as she understands it takes two to tango, that a marriage is an equal partnership and endeavor and love is nurtured only by the best of friends, he embraces the physical differences between you. One can not function in all things without the other. This is new school and all bets are off. If you want to be successful in life, you'll stand by your values, not bend or break and you sure won't give into the sexual advances for the sake of a date. It's a test for you both. Is his motive, to take you to Prom and then get into your pants? Can you go out, on Prom night, have a good time, enjoy his company and stand your ground?
Put on your Bitch Belt and wear it like Prada, Sister!
This comment was sent to Aunt B via email...
Thanks so much for your advice! It was very helpful and somewhat inspirational :)
I've learned a lot from your advice and it has helped me and will definitely help me in the future as well!