Rough Patch

Dear Aunt B,

A while ago I went through a bit of a rough patch, I withdrew myself from my
friends and stopped going out with them. I felt very depressed and I don't know why.
Now i'm feeling so much better and I just wanted things to go back to normal with my friends but it didn't. I have no close friends anymore and i feel stupid trying to
talk to people who have no interest in me. They're not outright mean but they never
invite me to go out anywhere and I feel pathetic asking if I can come. I feel like I have lost so much of myself and i don't know what to do. I've tried making other friends but its my final year at school and everyone has their own friendships.Its just really hard because I have no one to talk to at all. What do you think i should do?

lisa


Dear Lisa,

I do so apologize for the delay in answering you. I am knee deep in taking care of my newest Grandbaby and am rather consumed. Quite actually, I think I'm in love with this sweetest of babies but non the less, I thank you for your patience.

The first thing that comes to mind was the adage, "You can never go home again." That means that once you leave, even a vacancy if only in your mind, well, things will never be the same. See, while you were in your head and going through what you were going through, life, people, every day living kept on going.

The second thing that comes to mind is the very fact that while you were going through this "rough patch" was anyone even there for you? If they tried and you pushed them away, that's one thing. But if they did not try, well, my conclusion is an obvious one; They were not 'good friends' to begin with. At least not in the sense of the word "friendship" that I know of???

Babz' Girlfriends Creed

I'll jump through fiery hoops to help you,
I'll pick up the pieces he's left behind,
I'll cry with you and wipe your snotty nose,
I'll eat M & M's and Ice Cream with you if it helps,
I'll answer the phone at 4am and swear like a seasoned Sailor with you,
I'll drive around half the night till we find him,
I'll help you bury the body... Then, I'll let you borrow my new lipstick, you know just to shine and freshen up!

from Bluff Backfired

For real though, unless you pushed everybody away, you'll need to redefine yourself and fashion yourself into an independent individual who does not need friends. It is then and only then that true friends will be found.

Just for the sake of opportunity, this premise that I just mentioned "you'll need to redefine yourself and fashion yourself into an independent individual who does not need friends" applies to how you'll relate to a potential suitor as well.

I hope you've addressed why you went through this rough patch, as depression tends to visit, quite often when we least expect it???

First and foremost, I hope you'll see that when God closes one door, He opens another and another. Look for that door of opportunity. Also remember that all things happen for a reason.

Whatever that reason may be, it will be up to you to find it. It may have been to save your life from a disastrous situation. Was someone you ran with hurt in an accident or something of that nature?

If I were you, I'd find something to hold your interests; a hobby, take long walks, etc. You must realize that at your age, "You'll want what you want when you want it NOW." Unfortunately, life does not work this way so you'll need to form some patience.

(In The Zone)

Ah yes, patience is the virtue you need to work on as I see things jumping off for you...just as soon as you begin to realize that friends do not make or break you.

A part of me can see that for the most part, you are extremely independent, kind of a loner? Quite often you wish to stay holed up in your room, stuck in your head as you do so tend to over analyze everything and anything.

I'd like to see you step out into one thing, one adventure, something you'd not normally do. Allow yourself to be led by your heart and not your head. This very well may open up those doors.

Yes, patience is your answer!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

Have A Question??? Nothing Is Taboo!!!

The Bottom Line

Dear Aunt B,

A while ago I went through a bit of a rough patch, I withdrew myself from my
friends and stopped going out with them. I felt very depressed and I don't know why.
Now i'm feeling so much better and I just wanted things to go back to normal with my
friends but it didn't. I have no close friends anymore and i feel stupid trying to
talk to people who have no interest in me. They're not outright mean but they never
invite me to go out anywhere and I feel pathetic asking if I can come. I feel like I have lost so
much of myself and i don't know what to do. I've tried making other friends but
its my final year at school and everyone has their own friendships.Its just really hard because
I have no one to talk to at all. What do you think i should do?

lisa


Dear Lisa,

First I would like to tell you how glad I am that you have kicked your depression down, and are feeling better. That is no small feat, and you should really look at that as a huge accomplishment. Many people go through their whole lives trying to do this. And though I am going to ask you to do the leg work of repair after being drawn into depression, know that it doesn’t make you a weaker individual or a lesser person for treating your friends the way you have. This is common in depression, and the bottom line is, you are healing your mind and emotions, now its time to mend some fences too.

It’s hard for a person to come to terms with actions you have made without explanation, so that being said, I would talk to whomever I thought was my closest friend in that bunch, and explain to them what happened. Explanations are hard to do, and may seem embarrassing, but it is worth it to regain a friendship. Friendships are a two way street of trust and understanding, and if you don’t feel you can trust a person and they won’t understand... well either you aren’t that great of friends or you are scared for someone to know you. Figuring that out can be tough sometimes, but more often than not, it’s already a feeling you have. It is difficult to return back to “normal” once you have withdrawn and isolated yourself. Your friends are only human and likely felt hurt and just like you do now, feeling pathetic thinking you don’t care to do anything with them.

People are generally more open and understanding once they do not feel like they are on the defensive. And that is how a person feels once being shunned or ignored. They are likely wondering what they did wrong and can’t figure out why you dislike them so much. So now, this turn of events with you coming back into their lives has probably throw them off, setting a warning flag. I know I would be wondering what was going on, and what you wanted if you stopped talking to me all together and then just wanted to start talking again.

So, the advice is simple, but hard. You should tell your friend(s) your situation, take responsibility for being withdrawn and shut down to them, apologize and ask for forgiveness. Not an easy task, but well worth the reward; friendship.

Wishing You Strength & Courage,

~Xmichra

Have A Question??? Nothing Is Taboo!!!

>

Re-Post; Riding That Vicious Cycle

Editor's Note; From time to time, for any given reason, a past post may be brought to my attention. Therefore, when I might re-read one, one of this magnitude, I feel the need to share it again. I wish I could speak to this fella again, this man who took the time to write me with such caring and thoughtful deliberation. I can not, thus, I can only hope and pray he might be well.

This is sound advice for many men who, I believe, struggle with the same situations; Mid-Life Crunch...

Dear Aunt B,

Agony Aunt of Mines,

As all of your letters start I shall begin with the same:

The time you’ve took to read this letter I cannot give back to you, nor do

I have something of any interest to give in return, or anything I can do for a reply but say that a stranger is sitting on the other side of the world in a room by himself, at 01:30 in the morning writing a letter; looking for help.

I’ll begin back in Scotland just over three years ago after finishing

University I went through a stage of mild depression (self diagnosis).

since a young age I had worked towards my current status as a qualified

Kayaking instructor, qualified abseiling instructor, British European and

World champion bagpipe player, loads of friends, I was in great physical

shape as well. I even applied to get in to the Royal Air Force (RAF)…I

had it all going for me.

Then all of a sudden, something changed. First the bagpipes kinda lost

interest when I was teaching (I just put it down to, I’d conquered the

tournaments and the challenge had disappeared), I thought it was just

because I’d gotten so far and wasn’t going to get any better…so I quit.

Soon after gradually the kayaking and the outdoor side of me lost its

interest too. Over a period of a year my whole social outlook in life

faded. Mood swings and loss of a steady sleeping pattern became apparent

over time too.

I had nothing. No hobbies like I used to, to career aspect and the pilots

training I decided wasn’t for me, and soon enough I wasn’t quite the

muscular person I used to be… I was in a rut just like I am now. I even

got myself into a little debt trying out new things to put that spark

back into my life, with no avail. Time passed and somehow Kevin (who was

a distant friend at the time) invited me over to Denmark. 3 years later I’m

still trying to fill the gap that was my life before I lost interest in

everything. As it stands now; I’m (slightly) overweight, I have a shit

job. I haven’t had a girlfriend in over 4 years because I’m boring and I

know it. And I have 40,000 kroner debt. (4000GBP)

The saddest part to the whole thing, is if even if I fight all my short

term problems: get rid of the debt, get into good shape again, etc etc…

I have nothing to look forward to, nothing.

I want nothing, I have no interest in any job aspect, and I’ve even given

up on trying to find a girl/girlfriend. I just don’t know what to do. I’m in

a rut, a big deep rut.

So I ask of you, what’s the secret to putting the spark back into life when

You’ve tried everything you liked/wanted for and lost it all? When there’s

no light at the end of the tunnel and something inside you asks why isn’t

it there? Please help me.

My Dearest Reader,

Well Darlin’, you’ve captured my heart with the Bagpipes. I love them and for me, they hold a rich sense of history. My family is Irish/Scot and I am Indian. My heart is held by the sound of bagpipes.

From what I gather, you are an extremist. You are the kind of guy who lives on the edge, jumps out of airplanes, lives for the adrenaline. If you are not doing something extreme, you don’t feel alive. It sounds like you’ve maxed out though, huh?

My initial reaction is that you are battling depression. This coupled with your lack of sleep can cause a significant change in your complete make-up and how you view your life, your love and things in general. This situation seems a bit complex. I would suggest counseling but somehow, I have the impression, that you are not the “Going to Counseling” type? Since I believe this is the case, all I have to offer is a bit of perspective.

Depression is a tricky bugger. It’s like a Spanner, peeking in on your life and it can hold you hostage. You then sit there and wonder just how the hell it got in?(Take this test, from the post prior to this) [*At bottom of page]

Let me offer a couple of suggestions here; Sleep is so important, get it, do it, make it. If you don’t want to take sleeping pills from your Doctor, you can get some Benadryl, OTC.
The key ingredient in Tylenol PM is Diphenhydramine HCl, which is also the generic name for Benadryl’s ingredients. In other words, you can buy a generic form and look for the active ingredient, “Diphenhydramine.” This may get you back in that sleep loop. You may begin to feel better, even from a good nights sleep.

Now, there’s no data to support this, that I have found but I have a theory about,
“Extreme Behaviorists.” I am an extremist myself and so is my ex-husband. It can actually be, somewhat of an addiction. You live for the thrill, of your behavior and once you become an extremist, it’s understandably hard, to break old habits.

Some people, who are extremists, create chaos in their life, when they are not, “On the edge.” They may become argumentative, just for the sake, of the chaos it brings. Once you’ve behaved in an extreme manner, it’s hard to find consolation, with the mundane. It seems dull and unrewarding.

Believe it or not, the data and text, concerning addiction, shows similar behaviors. Once you’ve “jazzed up” your life with drugs, when you are not high, things just don’t catch your interest. Now, I am not implying, that you and a drug addict, are one and the same, let me make that clear. You did not even mention any form of addiction, or the lot. I simply point this out because you may benefit from some of the Recovery tricks and tweaks.

If you research it and some of the advice from professionals, you’d find that the key, to overcoming addiction, is in making yourself aware of some of your own quirks and behaviors.

They use an example or acronym referred to as, “H.A.L.T.,”which stands for,

*Hungry…Angry…Lonely…Tired

it encourages us not to become too;

HUNGRY: When we dislike ourselves, we neglect and deprive our bodies of the balanced diet we need.
Food is a source of nurturing. Our bodies are ours to keep and care for so that we may understand
and carry out God’s will for us. When our bodies cry for attention, we no longer have time
for the spiritual program necessary for recovery.

ANGRY: When we choose not to deal with a situation immediately, there is a possibility that those feelings we are afraid to express will become resentments that we may later use as an excuse to drink or use drugs.

LONELY: When we believe that we are either better or worse than other people, we dig ourselves into a
hole of self-pity, feeling unique in our differences. We soon begin to feel the loneliness of such
isolation, and we tell ourselves that it is a good reason to drink or use drugs.

TIRED: When we can’t make sense out of anything and life overwhelms us, it is possible we have run
ourselves into a screeching HALT. We have filled our lives with so many activities that we have no
time for reflection.

I do not imply this acronym, to you in a sense of addiction to drugs but an addiction to extreme behavior.

Sex is another issue or situation, that can become humdrum, if you are used to pornography, fetish, S & M and the likes. I say this for perspective but if you have been doing a lot of kinky stuff, on a continual basis, going back to the missionary style, may seem boring. Do you see the correlation, I am making here? If we do things, all through life in an extreme manner, it’s sure as hell not going to get you excited to sit on the couch, is it? On the other hand, I think what has happened, is you topped out. You burnt your candles at both ends, did it all, per say and feel there’s nothing left. But is this really true? Is there nothing left?

I think you burned out and then fell into depression. Depression will cause sleep problems. It’s a vicious cycle and one feeds off the other. But I think you know this, right? So, we need to find a way to climb out and put things into perspective, correct?

To start, let’s look at things realistically. You are now older, this is a fact. I don’t know your age but I’d be willing to bet, you are having a hard time getting older. We don’t have to let go of dreams and desires, as we grow older but we often have to modify them.

In your 30’s, no matter what you do, you may never be that spry, spunky monkey you were in your 20’s. But you can keep in shape. My first suggestion is to start to work out again. I don’t mean go hog wild but a moderate amount of exercise is going to make a man, like you, feel better.

Once you begin to feel better about yourself, you will begin to “wear” that persona on the inside and out. Right now, you don’t feel good about you but I can tell at some point you were a man to be reckoned with. You can get that edge back and begin to feel better, by getting out and working out again. When you were in better shape, you felt better about yourself and how you looked. Start a little every day, walking and build up your exercise regimen. I guarantee, you will begin to feel better.

Complacency Breeds Complacency

You have not done it all, let me point this out. You need to challenge yourself and start with the exercise. Rome was not built in one day, so you need to start somewhere, right? Start by looking in the mirror. You obviously are not happy with you.

It’s clear to me, that you are very hard, on yourself. It’s even clearer, that there’s a reason, you feel the need to “Perform.” A man is not measured by his feats but by how good-hearted he is.

Your systems, values and beliefs need to be put under a microscope. I want you to realize that you were only doing yourself harm, if you believed, that a man, is only respected, by how hard he is, body and mind. I respect your feelings of wanting to be the very best, let me make that known. But there comes a time, when you have to realize that you do not have to win constantly and you sure don’t have to be the best at everything, to be respected.

It’s commendable, to be good, at all the things you have done but I want you to begin to be good at just being you. Relax your thinking a little and your assessment of your own self-worth. I think you are really tired of trying so hard, just to be you.


Maybe it’s time to re-invent yourself?

Someone you respect, taught you that you have to excel and win. These are really good qualities, if you know where the cut off point is, where you can relax. You gave up, instead of just relaxing some of your beliefs and then you became disgusted with yourself. You need a half-way point here.

1. Start with getting a good nights sleep. This plays a huge role in how we perceive all things and how we feel. Some people are proud of the fact that they don’t sleep. They’re usually cranky bastards too! So, get some sleep on a regular basis.


2. Begin to exercise, even if it’s to go to the park and walk. You may not remember how good it feels to work up a sweat but I’m willing to bet that once you do, you’ll feel refreshed.


3. Relax and stop holding yourself to such high expectations. Enjoy life and go with the flow. You’ll begin to breathe differently.


4. Just be you, not the Lion after the prey, on guard and ready to pounce. When you feel that anxiety, like you need to be doing something extreme and feeling guilty because you are not doing it, put on your favorite music and just relax.


5. Stop believing that you have to live an extreme lifestyle to measure up.

I think once you implement these 5 things, you’ll stop that vicious cycle that’s got you hobbled. Each thing will fall into place and when you begin to feel better, you’ll look better.

As we get older, we must often accept that our body does not cooperate as it once did. This you must come to terms with and accept. You can however get comfortable in your own skin.

I encourage you not to be so superficial and accept you for who you are. Begin to love yourself again and in turn, you’ll be able to love another. Did you realize that you may be putting off negative energy, that people, specifically women can sense?

Who wants to go out with a ball of bad energy? Stop it and start just being you. Become aware of this possibility and you will see the difference if you change it. Oh, and stop being such a perfectionist. I can feel it.


Now, just do it!


Keeping It Real,



Aunt B


* Test Click Here

Need Advice? Nothing’s Taboo!

"My Life"

Because Aunt B cusses sometimes!

Dear Aunt Babz,

To whom it may concern,

I need advice, and up until now I can't seem to find logical answers to my dilemma. It concerns my job and my health, and I am almost at the end of my rope. I will explain.

I am a 52 yr. old male, college educated, and work in the maintenance dept. of a local hospital as a maintenance mechanic. I am responsible for repairing and maintaining all the machinery in the hospital and it's surrounding facilities. Among them being all housekeeping equipment, all laundry equipment, some kitchen equipment, hospital beds, exhaust fans, water pumps, air handlers (heating and cooling), compressors, and sump pumps. This list is so overwhelming to me it has begun to severely stress me out. My blood pressure is out of control, although I am on medication, my weight has increased by about 50 lbs. since starting this job, and I feel trapped with nowhere to go. I have frequent migraines, and in fact today I called in sick because of it. I have missed a lot of work due to these headaches, and if it weren't for the Family Medical Leave Act, I would likely have lost my job by now. Last year I missed 43 days due to severe headaches, and I have missed 4 days this year (month) already.

In the beginning these responsibilities were split between me and another mechanic, but in March the other person is going to retire and our supervisor has pretty much given all of his work to me as well. What makes this job even more stressful is that when it was "given" to me I was totally unqualified to do the job. I was literally forced to take the position. Our hospital has a union, in which I am a part of, and in 1998 there was a strike over benefits and other issues. During this strike certain employees must have done things on the picket line that didn't agree with management, so when the strike ended they felt they had a "score" to settle with these employees. So once we were all back to work, the management began shuffling people around to get to the people they had targeted.

Jobs were eliminated, people were laid off, and in my case, I was called in to the boss' office and "strongly encouraged" to take another position (my current, mechanic job), which in his words it was "in my best interest" to take the job, otherwise my current position could be eliminated and I would be unemployed. Apparently I was "in the way" of a certain employee who had more seniority than I, but to get to them I had to be moved out of the way. I enjoyed my previous position, mostly because it had a lot less responsibility attached to it, although the pay was much less. Last year I made a little over $51,000, which isn't bad for a single person working in this particular area of the country. I have worked at this hospital for 29 years, and over those years my pay has increased steadily, and I have basically gone as far as I can go on the so-called "ladder of success" at this hospital. And I use the word "success" with tongue-in-cheek.

My health has suffered greatly while at this position, and I don't have to tell you how hard it would be to leave and find anything else that even comes close to my current income, especially with the current state of the economy in this country. I have considered selling everything I own, which in a lifetime one accumulates a certain amount of things as his/her career progresses. I have a home, 2 vehicles (car and truck), and live comfortably on my income.

So that is it in a nutshell. I don't know if I should quit, sell everything, and move into a small apartment, or do something more drastic. I have thought of suicide, and yes, I know that is pretty drastic. But at this time I don't think I could go that far, mostly because I have a dog that I absolutely adore and couldn't leave because she needs me. (ha ha) But I am desperately looking for a way out of this situation. The local job service suggested going back to school and learning another trade, but with me being 52 now, and probably being at least 54 or older when getting out of school, the chances of anyone wanting to hire a person in this advanced age and paying them very much would be very remote. So that idea doesn't seem logical..

I know it is a very complex problem, and I have struggled for a long time trying to come up with a solution. I have been to counseling, talked to my pastor, and even tried talking to my bosses about this. My bosses don't seem to care about my personal issues, and in my opinion they are just waiting on me to "crack". And I don't mind telling you that I feel I am getting close to a nervous breakdown, but I keep trying to fight it.

Sorry this is so long, but with all that is going on I couldn't have condensed the story to make any sense of it, so this is how it turned out.

What are your thoughts?

Sincerely,
Gary



Dear Gary,

I am not 53, but I completely know what you are talking about, 100%. See here is a little insight into the realm of Xmichra’s real world: I hate my current position and it has been horrid on my health too. I had a very great position, worth a lot less money, before I took on this “assignment” and have regretted it almost every day since ( I think I was in shell shock the first week).

My job now is very stressful, very time consuming, and not at all where my passion is. I was in a very similar situation to you regarding the job offer, and sincerely wish I hadn’t taken it. I am currently on maternity leave, and thank the gods because this break is needed for me to figure out what I can do and can’t do (because like you, I do need money to live and this job has it).

I understand the dynamic of this economy (even though I do live in Canada, it is still affecting us as well) and the hesitancy to leave a stable and profitably employer. But when you get to the point where you are, and that is to say you would consider taking your own life as a way out, then you HAVE to think about solutions that albeit are scary to undertake, are necessary.

You mentioned that you didn’t feel schooling would be a good option, but I disagree. I know of quite a few people who have gone back to school in their later years to improve their knowledge (and resume) and have had success in finding a well paying job afterwards. There is something to be said for a person who has lived a life, held a job for over 20 years, can change and learn, and still enjoys learning. And that is definitely something that as a person who employees others, I would look at very positively. And I know others do as well. But if you don’t want to go back to school (which is fine) there is a bit of a crunch out there for work, so you would be thinking about “in the mean time” while you were unemployed. This may take a long time, so make sure that you can still remain comfortable while in transition.

I will ask though, have you seen the doctor about all this?? I am assuming that you are covered by health care (most union workers are) for things like long term disability. And with the amount of times you miss work due to headaches/migraines; you should be seeing a doctor every single time and getting that documented. You should also get things like weight gain and depression looked after. Seriously, if the job is that bad for your health and you feel like you cannot lose your job because of this economy so you have to go.... well you may want to look into getting a documented case for LTD. Just a suggestion.

Ultimately you want to make a choice here, and you know what it is. You don’t want to do this job anymore. So now you need a way out, that is good for your life. Because really, why would you want to commit suicide? You have the means to downgrade your living expenses and to leave the job, which would fix your situation to enjoy your life. And that is the point right? To enjoy your life. Sometimes we have to take drastic measures to ensure our own happiness and well being, and this is one situation where I think you have given ample amounts of thought into things, and you know what you would have to do in order to live well.

There will be no safety net, and you know this. So you need to rely on your own assets and skills. You can and will find another job (maybe not one as high paying) and you can downsize your expenses. You have the ability to try something new. You also have the right (check with your union on timing) to take an unpaid leave of absence to figure things out (usually for 3 months). So use your union for the better, take the chances you need to take, and get your life back!

Good Luck, and I hope you find your happiness again.

~Xmichra.



Dear Gary,

I pray I am given the very words to calm your Spirit. I can feel that you are at your wits end. I can also appreciate your effort in taking the time to write us here at Aunt B.

Just now, I caught myself reading Xmichra's answer(before I post and write to you), a no-no in my book but damn if I wasn't curious as to what she responded to you. I had to walk away from the computer so I wouldn't cheat. She does give sound advice especially in this niche, her specialty.

Momentarily, it will seem off the subject but I'd found out, rather recently, that my Orthopedic Surgeon, Richard S. Goodman, MD, JD, has died. He was a renowned Long Island/NYC Clinical Chairman of Surgery at SABA University School of Medicine as well as his private practices. More importantly, to me at least, he was a good man whom I was quite fond of. I am rather devastated and at such a loss but I found myself recalling our many conversations.

I went to his office approximately once a month for follow-up and almost always engaged in rather stimulating conversation every time. I highly anticipated these visits and in fact would think about what I might ask him long before I drove to his office. The man was a wealth of knowledge, extremely blunt and forthright but I learned something from him every single time I went to his Practice in Smithtown, N.Y. I guess that it astounded me how he would take such time to talk with me when I knew he had people out in the office waiting for him.

The time before last, if I recall correctly, I'd asked him one of my "frustrated journalist" type questions; "Are you happy in your Profession?" Now, I should have said "Profession(s)" because he was not only a Doctor but an Attorney as well. Dr. Goodman was often called upon as an expert witness in numerous medical cases.

The Doctor was an older gentleman and he'd, obviously been around the block a time or two. He scoffed at my question. Basically, he explained, that the medical profession was certainly not nor did it resemble anything it used to be or how it was designed.

It is not verbatim but he stated, unequivocally that they, the Doctors/Specialists were plagued with paperwork and locked into certain criteria because of insurance regulations.

Less and less time is afforded the patients while the bulk of his time was spent on diagnosis codes and insurance papers. Where there should have been further allowance for Doctor/Patient visitation and relations, he'd found himself having to spend too much time and effort in the "insurance" part of it.

They're locked into whatever the insurance companies/HMO's dictate and the patient has a much smaller degree in visitation with their Doctor. All the while, the insurance companies profit and get richer and richer whilst the Art of Medicine suffers amongst the politics of it all.

We talked for quite some time that day, per usual and I paid attention to his every word. I've gone on since then, painfully aware of the "Politics" of it all. The point being, in this situation is that I was not aware before of the games, the politics in the Medical Industry, i.e., hospitals and so on.

I can clearly see that you are a victim of such games and politics, huh? Yes, the good Doctor has enlightened me once again because had it not been for that conversation with Dr. Goodman, I might not understand fully, this political bullshit you are dealing with. And that is, without a doubt exactly what it is; Bullshit to the 9th power.

I am not certain that there's any easy answer to this question you have posed. What I can and will say is that, "You only live once. Why not try to be happy?" So, what would or could it take to get you to some semblance of happiness?

More prevalent, to me is; what can we/you do to keep you from the mindset of becoming suicidal? Yes, that, your words speak volumes to me and I do feel your pain. I take it real serious too as I've been on that side of the fence, actually sitting on it, teetering back and forth between the pain of it all and the selfishness of the act itself. At the time though, all I could feel was the pain, it blinded me from the true significance of it all.

Having said this, broaching the subject head-on, I will tell you that, for you to even write those words, I knew that you are in such pain. It is unfathomable, this pain both physical and emotional that you are going through. I hope you will read my words to you and read them with a warm and hearing heart...

First and foremost, we must get those headaches manageable. I've suffered through and with 5 different types of diagnosed headaches, myself and without a doubt, that's enough for someone to want to extinguish the light, in and of itself. So, I can somewhat relate.

Most of us "Want what we want, when we want it," meaning we want it right now and in a hurry. I am no exception. I want it yesterday! But I think some of these things, the trappings, comings and goings of your life will have to be addressed one thing, one minute at a time.

There could be several factors, things that are causing your headaches, which I'm sure you are aware. In my own case, I stated that I had several different types and although I could be wrong, I do believe that you are lumping different pain/headaches into one category; Migraine.

What I am saying is that if it is an actual migraine, there are medications, good meds for treatment but they are certainly not one and the same,(migraines vs headache). It is highly possible that you are experiencing high blood pressure headaches as well as muscle tension, all of which require different attention as well as understanding of their difference. Each and every one of these can be debilitating, in and of itself.

The stress factors in your life are enough to cause headache all by themselves. Even the very thought or anticipation of headache is enough to send someone into a tailspin.

Personally, I have to do several things just to get through my own day. I am on blood pressure meds too and oddly enough, my pain usually causes my BP to go up.

I start my day thusly; I turn on the espresso machine and then I put my heat bag in the microwave. (Here's a nifty idea to make your own) If you are not crafty, as most guys are not, I suggest purchasing one. I've had a rice bag as well as a bag made with corn. I can't imagine life without one of these. As I said, I wake up and use the heated bag and through out the day, especially if I type a lot, I will heat it up again and put the bag around my neck. It really makes a difference in the amount as well as the severity of my headaches.

Stress in and of itself can debilitate, don't you know? Stress kills, causes disorders, heart attacks and how we handle every day stress makes all the difference. This statement comes from a woman, myself, who's been diagnosed with P.T.S.D. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (w/hypervigilance). Panic attacks are an every day occurrence for me. So, it's no bullshit to say that I come from a place of experience as well as a few pointers.

Becoming aware of the things that stress you is of the utmost importance. It seems to me that you have pretty much narrowed it down, primarily, as your job.

Mentioning that I am aware of the politics involved in/at your establishment is for a reason. I realize that you can not just complain and change things. Besides it basically involving a complaint which will fall on deaf ears, I'm sure you are aware. Those that are deemed complainers are usually blacklisted and in some ways put on the same list as whistle blowers. So, what can you do?

For starters, you must come to a place of happiness, where you begin to look out for numero uno. Your first source, your first destination has got to be a knowing a presence of mind that happiness is simply a state of mind.

What I am saying is that I have met, particularly women who were doing "Life" but had found that place of happiness or rather, they "chose" to be happy. But how is that possible Babz?

Choices

When it's all said and done, anything and everything in life comes down to choices. We can choose to be happy in the worst of situations or the exact opposite. When faced with the firing squad, in example, we can choose to be graced with the idea that it'll only hurt for a second, if that. Or we can over analyze it, like I am famous for(I talk myself out of this over psychoanalysis on the daily) and stand there debating who it is that will fire the blank, how bad it's gonna hurt, is it gonna be a big mess, omg what if they miss. This is typical behavior of the infamous "Say'ers™."

Every day we are faced with choices. Often times we can't or don't see those choices. We also have doors or windows of opportunity as I'm sure you can look back in retrospect and see where you felt you were locked into a situation. You just could not see those choices. But again, every day we must choose to be "do'ers" or we can be "say'ers."
[Aunt B terminology™]

I'll start with what I lovingly call the "Say'ers™." Say'ers are the kind of people and I know you've had the misfortune to have met. Some are just dripping with negativity. They are the kind of people who sit in their own shit and complain how really really bad it stinks. They are usually the first ones to point out, as well, just how bad your shit stinks, too!

They bitch and moan about their lives to anyone and everyone who will listen. Watch as they single handedly ruin your sunny disposition, yes, they're enough to piss off a Preacher. They'll stomp the piss out of any positive feedback too, telling you that it won't work, you're full of shit and don't ya know, they know it all.

The funniest statement these Say'ers proudly proclaim to you is, "Your first mistake was thinking I could ever make a mistake." And I do believe that half their problem is that they worry too much.

The "Do'ers™" in this life will just do the dang thing. They'll search diligently for the "Silver Lining" in all situations. Faced with a negative situation, they will turn it around, even if it's in their own mind and make it palatable, make it work for them.

Faced with that same, at sunrise firing squad, the "Do'ers™" will offer coffee and "of course it's no trouble to make 12 Latte's." They're the ones that will comfort you by pointing out that there's no hard feelings and for real, one of you has a blank so don't you worry about that guilt, I'm already working on forgiving you.

Now, don't mistake the "Do'ers™"for patsy's, as they are far from it. No, the difference is that they'll take charge of their own environment. They realize that life in and of its self is a state of mind. And they'll make the very best out of a reasonably bad situation. They are not "worry free" but tend to realize that sometimes you have no control, come what may, all else is filed under the category, "Let Go & Let God."

Yours is a reasonably bad situation. But I can tell that you are a "Do'er™" I just wanted to remind you. I'm also not playing the "Power of Postive Thinking" card on you. Yet at the same time, that is exactly what you need to do, think positively. I just don't want you to think that as I'm writing you, it's all some bullshit mantra to tide you over.

Because life is a state of mind and home is where you hang your heart, I suggest that you begin to see it as such. You must begin a journey, open a new chapter, in this book, "My Life."

Right now, you are overwhelmed by it all. Begin to break it all down, assess it, in and of its self, meaning, take each individual problem and view it separately. Then, work on one piece at a time. I would start with the headaches.

Don't give up or give into these headaches as they will rule you. Be your own advocate concerning them. Take the tips I'd given you, prior, seriously. Most men tend to scoff at such things, for whatever reason...and suffer. Why suffer?

When you feel a headache coming on, pop a couple of Motrin and dammit if nothing else, get an old sock fill it with rice and cloves, tie a knot in the end of it and heat the sock for two minutes. Do this as a preventive measure. When you come home from work, first thing you do is put this stupid sock around your neck<<---I just read your mind, hahaha! I promise not to tell and really, isn't it just smart to take charge of your situation, namely those confounded headaches? If you can cut these headaches out, your first line of business is battled. If you treat yourself right, when you get home from work, you'll be better for it and there's a good possibility that you'll be headache free in the mornings. I am 50 so I can relate, concerning your age and starting over. Rather, I understand you not wanting to go back to school, although it may come to that. Again, it is all a mind set. If you think about it, it's really never too late to do anything if you choose to do it because the outcome is positive and it'll make you happy or help you in some way. The question here, then becomes; "what will it take for you to find some happiness?"

Just for the sake of security, I would do or rather begin to implement a strategy, one you've mentioned of sorts; Downsizing.

Might I also mention that you've got to be ahead of their game. The very best way you can beat them is with your own state of mind.

Now, repeat after me; You will not allow them to get you down. You will not allow them to own you, your life or your happiness.

The choices we decide to follow through with in this life, of course are not always the right ones. We live, we love, we learn, we laugh, especially at ourselves, right?

Look for the laughter, please, my friend! Search diligently for something every day that makes you laugh.
Comedy Central's Jokes.com
This is actually my own rule, one which I do preach and follow. At night, I always find something to make me laugh. In my search, it takes my mind off of things, laughter is good for the soul.

I suppose I've not really given you an answer but rather a state of mind. How you proceed from this moment further can and will shape the things to come. No, this is not some feel good package all rolled up, tied with a pretty bow.

One things for certain; You can own you or they can own you. You can choose to be positive or you can allow them to take you down. Personally, if I have my way, you'll begin a regimen of self healing, self preservation and self motivation.

One more thing. It is my own quote, one which I am extremely fond of, an approach to life. Think about this;

"Some say the glass of water is half empty.
Some say the glass of water is half full.
I say, I am just grateful for the water."

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz





More Reading;

Stress Related Disorders

Gift Within the Gift

Dear Aunt Babz,

In short, I am unsure how to get over myself and put my son first.

In order to get over an ex of one year i started smoking MJ and sleeping with a former high school mate. The condom broke after the second or third time and i ended up pregnant. The major problem is I still love my ex and i am having difficulty with the question, 'Why God? why not my ex whom i loved and wanted to have a child with some day? why this person whom i dont deeply care for, who should have just been a blip in my life but now is much more?' i've been diagnosed with quite a bit but major depression is the main thing (to keep it short). i cry almost every day. i don't want to be a mom...I'm too crazy and impatient and angry. i hate myself for doing this to an innocent person. It makes me almost suicidal...but my beliefs wont allow me to hurt myself anymore or my child.


Dear Mom-to-Be,

The good thing about morals and beliefs is that sometimes, even in the oddest of places, you find something that you didn’t even know you were missing. And in this case it will be your child.

The situation isn’t “ideal” but then again what is nowadays?? You have yourself and this baby to look forward too. And in time, just in time, I am sure you will.

I do know that this is a different circumstance, but when I was pregnant I didn’t feel mom-like at all. I was scared and neurotic and selfish and impatient. I didn’t know what the heck a diaper genie was, what freaking universe would let me be impregnated??? These thoughts would creep into my head and make me completely crazy. And the more people told me “it’s okay hun, it’ normal” the less I believed them. I had no idea how to look after a kid… hell I didn’t even look after myself that well! So freaked out.

And even though when my daughter was born I felt like nothing else in this world was as important as her… I was still freaking out because OH MY GOSH.. I don’t know how to hold her or feed her or what she wants! HeHe…. Seriously, I think (okay I hope) every new mom goes through this, so in that you are not alone.

As for your ex and wishing he were the father…. Well there isn’t anything that you can do about that…. But you can change the way you look at this. Instead of looking at this as a “blip” that wasn’t suppose to happen with this guy… look at it as an unexpected surprise that you will cherish. And if you and your ex can somehow manage to work through this, that is great as well. But it you two can’t, then it just wasn’t meant to be.

Bottom line is this: You have the opportunity to start a new life and bring into this world a cherished being, or a burden. But that is only for you to decide. And with the beliefs and morals you have, I am sure it will be the sooner rather then the later.

If you need help finding resources for prenatal or for some other help, please don’t’ hesitate to write back and let us know where you are and how we can help. This will be a great blessing in your life, if you let it.

Take care. Brightest Blessings.

~Xmichra~

Dear Friend,

I'm sure glad that you have some strong values and beliefs instilled. Yes, it's a real good thing because thus far, I have nothing but good feelings about this, especially pregnancy. As well, I'm glad you are being honest with your emotions and seeking counsel, advice, perspective and so on.

First and foremost, I'd like to remind you that you are not the first or last person to go through a pregnancy with apprehension. That is not to say that you don't have a right to your feelings. In fact, if you weren't even little bit scared, I'd think there was a false sense of self. It scared the crap out of me too. I also didn't want to have children, ever. My first pregnancy at the age of 16 was surely not planned and it sure as hell was not wanted. I readily admit this and those feelings. In other words, I am not throwing stones.

The Cynical Young/Old Biddy

In all honesty, I really didn't care too much for children. I've always been a bit cynical. They got on my nerves, especially the undisciplined, spoiled ones or the ones that ruined a simple conversation you might be trying to have in a restaurant with their acting out. No, I was not much into screaming, crying bratty kids who's parents allowed them to run around and act up, thinking they are darlings and can do no wrong. I'm sure I sound like a crabby ass and I may very well be but I have no patience with children who misbehave.

I think I've always been this way, you know, a bit cynical and maybe even a tad bit insensitive when it comes to inappropriate behavior. Even my own Grandkids can get on my last nerve. My oldest grandson will sit next to his Mom and say, over and over, "Mom, Mom, Mom" to get her attention. She tunes him out, almost ignoring him as he jabbers on. But I get pissed at them both. I will get upset with him for saying "Mom" over and over and she upsets me because she ignores him, tunes him out. I can't tune it out, so it makes me crazy. My granddaughter will whine about everything and listens about as well as the family cat. I quickly lose my patience and wish I could tune it all out myself.

I do so apologize for the mini rant. I suppose I am pointing out that I do understand your apprehension in this situation. But as I stated before, I became pregnant at 16 and was not a happy camper about it. As well, I was not "in love" with the father of my children, at that time. Yes, things looked pretty dismal and I almost had the feeling like my life was really screwed up and it was this pregnancy that was screwing it all up. Resentments were there, I must admit. I'd be a liar if I didn't say that I was not looking forward to having this baby. I too asked the question, as you have; "Why God? Why me and why with him?"

So, a week before my 17th Birthday, I gave birth to my first son, Lee. Damn if he wasn't cute and I looked into his eyes, as he strained to look into mine and my life was never the same. There and then, I saw my own eyes, in his and the circle of life was evident. I felt complete, with purpose, for the first time in my life. I laughed, I cried but I was scared clueless.

Motherhood is a wonderful thing. It's also the hardest job you'll ever have. You will continue to laugh and you will continue to cry. They will make you smile and break your heart. They will give you meaning but for a time, you will lose your identity. You will trade your name in for the label of "Mom." You might even forget who you were/are?

There are several ways of looking at motherhood and life, in general. The first thing to assimilate is that all things happen for a reason. There's no such thing as luck, coincidence or magic. All things, including this pregnancy, happen for a reason. As soon as you stop questioning, "Why God? why not my ex whom i loved and wanted to have a child with some day? why this person whom i dont deeply care for, who should have just been a blip in my life but now is much more?" the sooner you will begin to see the reasons behind it all. Then, you will/can find joy in your situation, namely this child. All things happen for a a reason.

Everything is a state of mind. Happiness, freedom, love and motherhood, are all a state of mind. No, everyday is not always peachy keen but I do guarantee some smiles and reason for living along the way.

You have choices in everything, every situation. You can choose to be happy and welcome this child with open arms. Although he is a product of a man you are not in love with, he/she is also a product of yourself. Love thyself and you will and can love your child.

Learn to be grateful for all things good and bad. See, while some people say the glass of water is half full, others say the glass is half empty, right? You must learn to be grateful for the water and not concern yourself as to what's in the glass or how much is there. When you begin to have a grateful attitude, all things will fall into place. When you become grateful for this child, you will then find the joy, the gift within the gift.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

P.S., I might possibly suggest seeking counseling for your depression or stepping up your sessions if you've already incorporated counseling. There's nothing wrong with admitting you're having a hard time dealing. The harm is if you allow yourself to go unchecked with unbridled emotion or even the lack of it. Speaking with a trained Therapist is even a good idea. They don't hand you answers but they do help you work through things. As well, they will validate your feelings and emotions as you talk about things. Working towards a healthier you and being good to yourself will allow you to be good to your baby.

Believing In A Ghost???

Dear Aunt Babz,

Hi,

I am deeply conflicted about my marriage of eight years. My husband was a struggling writer when we met and we both fell in love very hard. Back then, he said he was close to completing several books in progress and I believed him. Now, it is eight years later and he has yet to complete even one book. Of the ones closest to being completed, he now tells me he has to do a complete revamp to make the book work. Every year he comes up with new excuses for why the books are not even close to being submitted to a publisher. Even more frustrating, this man spends hours editing videos and DVD's from TV and rented media for his own and our mutual enjoyment. I believe that if he spent as much time on his books as he does in creating DVD compilations, he would have completed ten books by now!

Despite being otherwise very happy with this man, I have become very bitter and disillusioned with him and our marriage. I've lost faith in my husband's authenticity, as he does not seem to be accountable to himself or anyone as to how he spends his days and his life. As the sole bread-winner for our family, all of my attempts to get him to set an end completion date for even one book or to get him to take on a part time job to help us pay the bills have been unsuccessful. Over the past few years, I have gained a lot of weight and am having chronic back pain. On the one hand, I do believe in our marriage vows and would like to live like my parents who stuck it out through thick and thin for over 51 years. On the other hand, I have lost respect for him and I am losing respect for myself. I wonder if I am a weak enabler to someone who is living in a fantasy world and who refuses to be accountable. What should I do?

Sleepless in Oceanside

Dear Sleepless,

I surely can understand your trepidation and frustration. I feel ya.You've been more than patient and it's high time, someone poops or gets off the pot.

I am also a writer, so I can understand the mechanics of writers block and all the frustrations, that go with the whole shebang. I have a book, untouched but in need of edit, since 1996. Currently, I have a book in the works, my Bio but it seems that the finish is so far away. I'd tried to write it myself but was unable to. In turn, I've turned it over to, a wonderful and talented writer, who is an Attorney/Law Professor and Writing Teacher. He has a full time tenure with a major University so, he is only able to do just so much. Now, he's had some calamity and crisis in his own life and my book, understandably, had taken a back seat. Hopefully, it will begin again and we can complete this work. I tell you all this only because I realize, unlike other "Jobs", it can be the one that sits on the back burner. The Key word here is "Job."

Your husband may very well have the commonly known Writers Block but my intuition tells me he's lost his MoJo, his inspiration and in all honesty, I think it's a plain ol case of lack of discipline. I also get the impression that he has lost his touch on the real world and needs a Reality Check.

It's also interesting to me, that I have a son, who's a stay at home Dad and guess what he does all day? Yes, he burns, edits and complies movies and the lot. It is his outlet but I do realize that it's partly due to a form of depression and it has become his focus, his outlet. Sadly though, as is also the case with your husband, it has become an irresponsible escape.

It may be worth investigating this actual correlation with depression? Your hubby may be battling a form of depression and just can't seem to focus.(I have a test for depression on my sidebar. maybe ask him to take it?) Obviously, he's not functioning, on a level that society would call the norm. Depression unchecked, can run rampant. It magnifies pain, crisis and often times, makes it difficult to deal with life on life's terms. Addiction just lays there, in lurk, waiting for this formula and visits upon people in this exact situation.

Quite often, the more creative people, tend to have problems with depression. We feel, think and love with such passion, it can often be to our own demise. Depression, a baffling and cunning disease, just like addiction, is hard to climb out of. But it does not give license for dereliction of duty. So, I think it may be time for some understanding but tough love. They have really good medications that may make a difference in his life. He just needs to look at the whole scenario. Tell him to step back, look at this whole ball of wax and see if it looks kosher? Does it look fair, to you? Does it appear normal? Is it excuses upon excuses?

My advice to you would be to make a strong suggestion, that your husband go for a psych evaluation. There's no shame in the game, when you do seek help. But to sit on your laurels, while your wife supports the family, is grievous. It's not fair to you, in any way shape or form.

I'm glad you feel the importance of your vows, as we do speak to honor in sickness and in health. Your husband may not even realize it but he is not behaving in a healthy manor. To fiddle fart around in the name of being artsy fartsy and not finish the books, is one of two things; he's either depressed and can't do it or he's shown no initiative, discipline or drive. Either way, he needs to pull his weight and he's not. That has to be a bit disconcerting, in the manly department. But I think it's been going on for so long, it's just become second nature. As I've said before, I think you've been more than patient.

Make him aware, that he must write and view it, as he would a job. Every day he needs to pull up one of the books, pick whichever one and put in some time. As it stands, if it was his job, he'd have long ago been fired. But he has become lackadaisical and just plain lazy. It is what it looks like, now isn't it?Call a spade a spade. It may very well be, he hides behind his so called revisions?

I'm certainly not throwing stones. I can simply recognize the problem. Keep your own demeanor in check, do not be condescending but assertive with a mandatory tone. Sit him down and speak to him about depression. I'd bet my bippy that this is the problem. He may not be willing to admit it? If he won't admit it, you go on to Act II..."Well then, you need to put the books aside, get on with life, since you can't seem to finish them and get a job." Make him aware, that he is not functioning normally and you're calling him on it. A writer writes. You can't call yourself a writer if you produce nothing and it's sure not, sitting on books for years upon years. So, the fact that he's not willing to work on them, shows you his lack of dedication. (Depression may be why)Then, you ask him just how are you supposed to be supportive when he shows you nothing? It's hard to believe in a ghost until you see one, isn't it? Let him know that he must begin to make an effort before you loose all respect. Tell him you want to believe in him but he's proving you wrong. Ask him, if you'd gone all this time and you told him that you were gonna do this and that but never did, what would he think? Then, ask him, what would he do, if because of your medical conditions, you suddenly decided to play such games and not go to work anymore? Then what? All hell would break loose. Make sure you tell him that it's a damn good thing he can count on you to be responsible. Yep, it's time to step up to bat and take a swing...his turn.

Simply put, I would love if you printed this out and have him read it.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz