*Cured*???

Dear Aunt B,

HELP!!!

My story starts off 2 years ago in January, 2007. I met a guy who was enlisted in the Army. We became very serious very quickly. He went away to boot camp, I waited and wrote a letter a day. He granted me the same, a letter usually every day. He went away to war, and I waited. The letters never stopped. I lost my virginity with him when he took leave for 2 weeks.

He is spontaneous and respectable and is an Army veteran. I have never had more fun with another person in my life. In May, 2008, I moved in with him near his post in Louisiana, Fort Polk. We started off strong. We hit a few bumps along the way, like that we weren't used to seeing so much of each other. But we grew so much and learned a lot about each other.

We got a puppy, and things were smooth for about 6 months. He started having nightmares and breakdowns. His experiences in the middle east didn't let him sleep. He started going to therapy, but the unbalances just kept getting worse. I did everything I could to keep his mind and peace stable. One night, he lost it and hurt me pretty bad. He choked me and pulled some hair out. I called the police, of course, and he was taken in solitary confinement. After that, things were never the same.

Never has a man laid his hands on me and been given another chance. But I wasn't working, had no means of leaving, and had not even anywhere else to go. So I stuck it out. In November, 2008, he was discharged on the grounds that he was not mentally fit to serve anymore due to his tour in the middle east. His therapy continued and the medications were never enough. He got worse and worse. I got a job in January and moved out. I have been living on my own ever since.

I met a nice guy, he has money and a good job and a great family and he is very ambitious and has that stereotypical nice guy syndrome. He promised me everything. He wanted to get married and have children. After about 2 months, I realized that there were things about him that I would never be able to live with.

Then just like a word from the heavens, my first called me up again. He told me he was finally stabilized and on the right medications and he was getting about 1600 dollars a month for his disabilities. All of a sudden, I am caught up in this mess... I don't know which guy I am supposed to be with. Guy # 2 is great. He is stable on all levels, he has a great future ahead of him. But his quirks and character just clash with mine.

Guy # 1 was my first love. He and I were like salt and pepper. And aside from the abuse and instability, we were perfect. But according to the world, I can't be with him anymore because of what he did to me. I am attracted to both. Both give me different things. I am one person when I am with Army Guy and another person when I am with Perfect Guy.

What do I do?

Lost and Confused
Britani



Dear Lost and Confused,

Okay. I know I am sounding like a broken record here, but you need to figure out your heart not the pros and cons of the guys. Regardless of what these two bring to the table (so to speak) you need to figure out which one you cannot live without, and that is the guy you should be with.



To me, that sounds like guy #1. Now, I don’t know if he is totally *cured* or what have you. But regardless, if you are in love with him then you are doing a grave disservice to yourself and to guy #2 by sticking around. Not only because you are not in love with #2 so you are unhappy, but #2 is not free to find the love he is entitled to as well.



You need to really take a hard look at yourself and be totally honest. Attraction and love are two very separate feelings, and once you figure out which guy belongs where, I am certain you will know what you have to do in order to follow your heart.



Good luck, and brightest blessings.

~Xmichra




Dear Reader,

I always pray before I answer these questions that you readers send. I pray for wisdom to answer you. I pray that my Intuitions will be exact. And because I do take this quite seriously, my hope is to give you some semblance of an answer, chock full of honesty. Yes, because I do see the importance of your question, it is always my wish that I may be given words of wisdom, words that will never be a hindrance but will help you.

First, let me say that I never want to steer you in the wrong direction. Therefore, my first suggestion is for you to carefully consider all this as well as pray for your own administration and execution of your life. You pray that you make the right choices.

Speaking of choices, allow me to remind you that you do not need to be hasty in any way, shape or form and in fact, I urge you to take it nice and slow. In all honesty, it looks to me like you might be lured by all the wrong factors. Ask yourself what those factors are.

For all intent and purpose, most would say that it's a bad combination or so you've been told when it comes to getting back with your military man(MM). Most would say that "once an abuser, always an abuser." So, let's think about all this, okay?

I do urge caution on your part. I also would like you to talk to this fella about the contingency in your lives together. Now, if you can not be brutally honest with him, if you can not speak fluently to him about your fears concerning past abuse, then you don't have a chance in hell of making this work.

See, I was in an abusive relationship, one which was so bad, I ended up shooting him, almost killing him. I tell you this because I want you to know I do, in fact, know what I am talking about. I also loved him more than words can say. He was my everything and it was very passionate. We both have rather volatile tempers, military backgrounds, PTSD, the correlations are endless. So, I understand.

I think the chief ingredient here is whether or not he really understands that it is wrong for him to put his hands on you...EVER!! He has got to know and actually comprehend, picture, how he wouldn't want someone bigger and meaner beating and scaring the piss out of him. You've got to put it into perspective for him because believe it or not, most men do not think this way and can't even fathom what it is like.

More importantly, he has got to reassure you that he has or will do some sort of continued counseling or anger management. I do believe that most men can be rehabilitated if, for one, they choose to look at their behavior and secondly, if they choose to seek counsel, understand the importance of therapy for his issues and so on.

The biggest issue here is for him to understand that there's no shame in this game IF he does something to help himself. And you remind him that "A man is only as good as his tools." Yes, those tools may be taught through therapy, in the form of coping skills and actual anger management.

I sure wish you were here, sitting right in front of me because I have so much to say, so much to tell you and unfortunately, so very much to warn you about. You must proceed with that caution, I mentioned. But it can work if you approach this at the right angle.

You kind of have an upper hand, per say and I would play it to the full extent. If this man, your MM really loves you, you two should be able to talk about anything and everything. Red flags should be noticed right away, if you can not. The reason I say this is two fold;

Foremost, you must, and I am going to reiterate the fact that you both must be able to talk about MM's issues...all of them, any and all. He must be able to allow you into his inner soul if you are both to heal from the past. Additionally, the couples that make it in this topsy turvy world are the ones that rely on each other...just as he relied on his fellow soldiers in battle.

It's all a matter of trust. He must trust you emotionally and vice versa. This comes from a place of understanding that if "you don't have each other, you have nothing."

My Advice; you've got to explain all this to him and set up some boundaries, meaning that he has got to know that if he lays a hand on you, you will be forced to prosecute. This is for your own safety. You must reiterate all of this in terms he can understand. It must be said in a manner that he realizes that you are serious and that "You don't hit the one you love."






Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

Like A Butterfly...

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt B,

I had written to you about seven months ago about my violent husband who beats me up. I decided to leave the marriage shortly after that and have been living on my own and enjoying my life. My husband made several attempts to convince me to go back to him but i refused. However today he sent me an e-mail saying that he is leaving the country for good. He has already made travel arrangements and will be leaving next week. When i read that email i cried. Even my workmates wondered what was wrong with me. I felt so sad to know that he was leaving and that i will never see him again. I know he is leaving because i refused to go back and i feel so guilty about it. It hurts so bad and i am just wondering why i feel this way. A part of me feels like holding him in my arms and telling him that everything is ok and that we will be together again. But the truth is that i know him very well and know that he will hit me again. Aunt B please advise me. I don't want to go back to the violent marriage but at the same time i don't want to hurt the way i am hurting inside. Why am i so sad??? We have been separated for six months... Why am i feeling the pain now that he says that he is leaving? I thought i should be happy now that i will be free from any abuse but i feel so bad. Please tell me Aunt B...is this normal? Will i get over it? Will i ever find real love? Please reply on this e-mail address.

Thanks

Dear Friend,

I do remember you and it's good to hear from you. I'm glad you were able to break free and I'm quite proud of you, as I know how hard it really was.

What you're feeling, well, I believe it to be quite normal. Of course, you feel guilty and you question, every good feeling you have for your husband. You ask yourself, if you're insane or what? But the fact of the matter is this; You didn't fall out of love with your husband and leave him, for that very reason. No, you left him because of his abusive behavior.

Unless you're a robot, I don't know anybody that can turn love on and off. Yes, there are people out there, that seem to just float in and out of love, so easily. They seem to bounce back from a doomed relationship, as well. I'm even envious, to some extent, to their devil may care attitude. I've often wished I was like that but when it comes down to the real deal, I'd never trade my passion for their lack off. Of course, those of us, you and I, who feel to the 9th degree, love to the core, embrace life with all the fiber of our being, are usually the ones who are really living life, to the fullest. Unfortunately, we're also the ones who can feel the deepest pain.

So, I can completely understand your despair, when it comes to all these emotions, concerning your husband. However, I hope you can see the blessing wrapped up, neatly with a bright bow and future. I truly believe, that along with your husbands departure, the beginning of an unusual and fulfilling life will begin. It may take you a minute to get over him, leaving but the sooner that you do, the sooner the life will begin again.

I happen to know that your husband wants you back and that is exactly what you want to hear. You know it and I know it. You must tell yourself, be realistic with yourself, to the fact that while he may truly love you, his kind of love brings only pain. Unless, he seeks serious counseling, I will bet my life, on the fact that he will hit you again and if he doesn't hit you, he will put you in your place. You are a challenge to him, which he'd never admit. For everything, that he was attracted to you for, it was equally the exact things, that made him want to hurt you. He knows you're smart and quite capable of loving or being loved by someone else. He wants you to rely on only him, yet you are independent, to such a degree, that it makes him crazy. It is this out going spirit that he loved but wants to break. Yes, he is a walking contradiction (So am I and want it on my tombstone).He loves you for your beauty and intelligence and yet is jealous, envious and will always feel he has to prove that he is the man, better than you and I could go on and on.

Suffice it to say, his brand of love, is twisted and wrong. I'll say it again; He will not change, can not change, until such time, as he seeks serious counseling and treatment for his abusive behavior, his own baggage and values and beliefs. He must first, recognize that he has a problem. I do believe, if you were to throw him in jail, if he hit you tomorrow , it may curtail things for a minute but he'll only be sorry he went to jail and not sorry for the behavior that landed him there. Nope, he's got to re-learn his entire values and beliefs. That might take a life time, to re-learn, as it took a life time, to instill such behaviors. It can't be undone, over night and it can't change just because you want it to. I don't discount the fact that it is possible for him to change but I hope you'll remember, right here,right now, just how you felt, when he was hurting you. None of them hurt their loved ones on purpose, not usually and I don't feel he ever did, you know, do it on purpose. If you asked him, he'd probably tell you, he couldn't help it. I'd have to call him on it though. See, deep down inside, if he didn't believe to some extent that he was justified in his behavior, he wouldn't do it. No, he felt the need to teach you lesson, after lesson. He felt the need to put you in your place.

It'd sure be easy, for me to tell you, "Hey, get over it." If I had a remote and could turn it off, for you, I surely would. I hope you can somehow, turn it off, though. I truly believe that you have a wonderful life waiting for you, once you can let him go. Once you lock down, that section of your heart, a new section will open. It will be pink and pretty, not scarred and black, like that old area. Your persona will change and people, men in particular will be able to see that pink. Yes, the right guy is waiting to meet you, once you make this transformation.

All things happen for a reason. Like a butterfly, you must go through the painful process of transformation. But the you, that comes out of the other side will be an altruistic, life loving, lovely lady. Mark my words, the guy who'll recognize, all this in you, yes, he is waiting.

Nothing Changes Unless You Change It...

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

I am 27 years old. I am the mother of three kids. Their dad and me have not been separated a year and we are almost fully divorced. He has changed a lot since I left him. Every night I cry because I miss him and I love him. I did not like who he became when we were together. He was mean, abusive, and was addicted to the internet. I really really miss him. With everything he did to me it doesn’t matter right now. I am feeling as if I want to get back together with him, but I know for sure my family would basically disown me. Him and I have both spent a lot of money with a custody battle and divorce and pfa hearings and the such. I have not even talked to him about this. I do not know what to do. Part of me is saying to be with him another part is saying no. Please I just need some advice from someone that is not emotionally involved in this situation.


Dear Friend,

Far be it from me, to discourage you from affairs of the heart. I think you'll have to weigh things out carefully and then own the situation.

You've not told me, if this divorce is amicable, meaning did your husband want it too? Was this your design?

I can understand your family's feelings. It is a protective stance and I'm sure you understand how they feel. However, you must do the right thing for you and you alone. Therefore, you must look at things, trying to put your feelings and emotions, to the side...

Most men that are violent, without behavioral modification and therapy, do and will continue to behave in a violent manner. That's almost guaranteed. It's what they know and how they deal. That's not to say that he could not, after getting into a treatment setting, change his approach to life on life's terms. They do have Anger Management courses, geared specifically, to those that use violence as an outlet for emotion. But just like an addict, you must admit you have a problem, before you seek help, rather before that understanding can sink in. Often times, just going to jail, does not make the man deal with the raw emotion, as it really is. And just like an addict these violent guys need to hit some sort of bottom, in order for them to understand the ramifications of their behavior.

Off the record, if I had my way, men that are violent would be taught how it feels by being beat down, by someone bigger than themselves. Then, they might understand just how appalling it really is. In my perfect world, they'd know first hand, the fear, pain and degradation of a real beat down.

In case you didn't know it, I was in a abusive relationship for too many years, myself. It is only now, that I have some semblance of clarity and am able to look at it all with some sort of understanding. It took years to understand the nature of the beast, all it's components and to understand my own part in the co-dependent relationship. Yes, you must look at your own role in allowing this to go on. You must own it and rise above it.

I suggest you begin to look online, at all you can, concerning Co-Dependency and Abuse. The more you understand what factors into this type of relationship, the more tools you will have to deal with it. You must built a sturdy tool belt, of life changing skills and tools. Yes, you must study this, take it as seriously, as it really is and look for healing within it. The more you learn about it all, the more empowered you will become.

As I said, you must look at your primary role in what happened, within your relationship. More importantly, you've got to look in the mirror and be brutally honest with yourself. You've got to stop being a "Victim," and become empowered by it. It's not about assigning blame, it's about you taking back control, within and of what you can, could and will have control of. This is a study in and of your life. Yes, you can work through this, you are not alone and you're not the only one who's gone through this. The numbers do not even reflect the true nature of this centuries old epidemic but it's no longer taboo to talk about it and it's no longer something you must be ashamed of.

My suggestion is for you to begin to assess your situation first. Read as much as you can on this scenario; this cycle of abuse and co-dependency. Then, you may be able to approach your husband, concerning him getting counseling. If he wants to be with you, he's got to realize he has a problem and begin to deal with it. Most men, know it's monstrous behavior, they're usually sorry, after the fact but can't control it. This is where counseling can help. It can give them tools too and better equip them to handle their anger before it gets out of hand.

Please, if only for yourself, research this and possibly seek help. Then maybe, allow yourself to heal before you make any rash decisions. You see, my Dear, nothing changes, unless you change it.

Overview of codependency

1. What is codependency? What's the definition?
2. How do I know if I’m codependent?
3. Isn’t everyone codependent?
4. Why do we become codependent? What causes it?
5. Melody Beattie writes that codependency is unique in that recovery can be fun and liberating. What does she mean?
6. How can counseling help?

Co-Dependency Links;

Co-Dependency; The Problem

Mental Health America

The Skeptic's Dictionary

A Look In The Mirror

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Dear Aunt B,

I got married two years ago but my husband sometimes gets violent and beats me up. It has happened six times so far and the last time he did it i moved out and i am living with my brother. My husband wants me to go back home but i am afraid that he will beat me again. I am also afraid to end the marriage because of the shame i will feel for being married for only two years. We do not have any children. The thing is when he is nice he is so nice but when he gets angry he becomes a monster. Please tell me..how many beatings must a woman face before she calls it quits? Do violent men ever change?

Dear Friend,

Were you aware that I was in an abusive relationship? The physical abuse ended with me shooting him. Bold statement, huh?

There is a lot to that story. If I had not called the Police on him and had him arrested just two weeks before the incident, I may have gone to Prison. They investigated and knew it was self defense but really, that is not the important part of this. It was the most God awful day of my life. I watched as they took him away, dieing, this man that I loved, I had almost mortally wounded. I had taken the beatings, over and over, in a sick twisted process, thinking it was love. That is not love, no matter how much they say they are sorry.

A man that has been allowed to get away with a behavior, will almost always revert back to it. He will put you in your place, every opportunity, he can. I guarantee, that behavior will not decimate on it's own. It will not go away, it will not stop, as long as he is allowed to do it.

I became isolated, partly by him and partly on my own. If my family had seen my black eyes, there would have been big trouble. Before I shot him, he beat me in a fit of rage. He beat me beyond recognition. I had blood clots and could have died from that beating. There was so much blood, trapped in my face, it dripped down the inside of my neck, like paint drips on a wall. I felt so ugly.

The courts let him out, just two short weeks later. Of course he was sorry but was angry because I had him jailed. How inconvenient , huh? He began to try to make me pay for his short incarceration. I'd had enough and came out with a .22 rifle and told him to leave. He backed me down and I shot him point blank, in the stomach. It exited his back, nicked his liver and kidney, almost killing him. I was never the same, either and I'll leave it at that.

Ask him to go to Anger Management. If he refuses, he does not recognize his problem. Denial is the first issue. Make sure you pay attention to this. If he's said he's sorry simply because he had a couple of little consequences, for his actions and is not sorry for the action, nor understands it, you have your hands full. If he refuses counseling, do not go back. I don't care what shame you think you may endure, having your arm broke in half, as I did and then not being allowed to go to the hospital for three days, for fear, he may get in trouble, is more shameful than anything else. Prisons are full of women, who'd had enough. They'd kept it all a secret because of that shame factor and in a survivors clutch, they killed their oppressor. Try that shame on for size. How do I know all this? I went to prison. After that shooting, I felt into an inescapable abyss of self-destruction and addiction. I was ultimately, incarcerated. Talk about shame.

Look in the mirror and answer to yourself. The hell with what anybody else thinks. The shame you see, of believing that a beating is just the cost of good love, well, you need to question it. Never worry what anyone else thinks, I don't care what it is, as long as you are being completely honest with yourself. Be true to yourself, always.

If he won't go to counseling, he's in denial and all the lies, in the world, won't account for his mindset. He is lying to you and to himself, if he really thinks, he'll never hit you again. I'll stake my life on it.

National Domestic Hotline