Dear Aunt B,
I had written to you about seven months ago about my violent husband who beats me up. I decided to leave the marriage shortly after that and have been living on my own and enjoying my life. My husband made several attempts to convince me to go back to him but i refused. However today he sent me an e-mail saying that he is leaving the country for good. He has already made travel arrangements and will be leaving next week. When i read that email i cried. Even my workmates wondered what was wrong with me. I felt so sad to know that he was leaving and that i will never see him again. I know he is leaving because i refused to go back and i feel so guilty about it. It hurts so bad and i am just wondering why i feel this way. A part of me feels like holding him in my arms and telling him that everything is ok and that we will be together again. But the truth is that i know him very well and know that he will hit me again. Aunt B please advise me. I don't want to go back to the violent marriage but at the same time i don't want to hurt the way i am hurting inside. Why am i so sad??? We have been separated for six months... Why am i feeling the pain now that he says that he is leaving? I thought i should be happy now that i will be free from any abuse but i feel so bad. Please tell me Aunt B...is this normal? Will i get over it? Will i ever find real love? Please reply on this e-mail address.
I do remember you and it's good to hear from you. I'm glad you were able to break free and I'm quite proud of you, as I know how hard it really was.
What you're feeling, well, I believe it to be quite normal. Of course, you feel guilty and you question, every good feeling you have for your husband. You ask yourself, if you're insane or what? But the fact of the matter is this; You didn't fall out of love with your husband and leave him, for that very reason. No, you left him because of his abusive behavior.
Unless you're a robot, I don't know anybody that can turn love on and off. Yes, there are people out there, that seem to just float in and out of love, so easily. They seem to bounce back from a doomed relationship, as well. I'm even envious, to some extent, to their devil may care attitude. I've often wished I was like that but when it comes down to the real deal, I'd never trade my passion for their lack off. Of course, those of us, you and I, who feel to the 9th degree, love to the core, embrace life with all the fiber of our being, are usually the ones who are really living life, to the fullest. Unfortunately, we're also the ones who can feel the deepest pain.
So, I can completely understand your despair, when it comes to all these emotions, concerning your husband. However, I hope you can see the blessing wrapped up, neatly with a bright bow and future. I truly believe, that along with your husbands departure, the beginning of an unusual and fulfilling life will begin. It may take you a minute to get over him, leaving but the sooner that you do, the sooner the life will begin again.
I happen to know that your husband wants you back and that is exactly what you want to hear. You know it and I know it. You must tell yourself, be realistic with yourself, to the fact that while he may truly love you, his kind of love brings only pain. Unless, he seeks serious counseling, I will bet my life, on the fact that he will hit you again and if he doesn't hit you, he will put you in your place. You are a challenge to him, which he'd never admit. For everything, that he was attracted to you for, it was equally the exact things, that made him want to hurt you. He knows you're smart and quite capable of loving or being loved by someone else. He wants you to rely on only him, yet you are independent, to such a degree, that it makes him crazy. It is this out going spirit that he loved but wants to break. Yes, he is a walking contradiction (So am I and want it on my tombstone).He loves you for your beauty and intelligence and yet is jealous, envious and will always feel he has to prove that he is the man, better than you and I could go on and on.
Suffice it to say, his brand of love, is twisted and wrong. I'll say it again; He will not change, can not change, until such time, as he seeks serious counseling and treatment for his abusive behavior, his own baggage and values and beliefs. He must first, recognize that he has a problem. I do believe, if you were to throw him in jail, if he hit you tomorrow , it may curtail things for a minute but he'll only be sorry he went to jail and not sorry for the behavior that landed him there. Nope, he's got to re-learn his entire values and beliefs. That might take a life time, to re-learn, as it took a life time, to instill such behaviors. It can't be undone, over night and it can't change just because you want it to. I don't discount the fact that it is possible for him to change but I hope you'll remember, right here,right now, just how you felt, when he was hurting you. None of them hurt their loved ones on purpose, not usually and I don't feel he ever did, you know, do it on purpose. If you asked him, he'd probably tell you, he couldn't help it. I'd have to call him on it though. See, deep down inside, if he didn't believe to some extent that he was justified in his behavior, he wouldn't do it. No, he felt the need to teach you lesson, after lesson. He felt the need to put you in your place.
It'd sure be easy, for me to tell you, "Hey, get over it." If I had a remote and could turn it off, for you, I surely would. I hope you can somehow, turn it off, though. I truly believe that you have a wonderful life waiting for you, once you can let him go. Once you lock down, that section of your heart, a new section will open. It will be pink and pretty, not scarred and black, like that old area. Your persona will change and people, men in particular will be able to see that pink. Yes, the right guy is waiting to meet you, once you make this transformation.
All things happen for a reason. Like a butterfly, you must go through the painful process of transformation. But the you, that comes out of the other side will be an altruistic, life loving, lovely lady. Mark my words, the guy who'll recognize, all this in you, yes, he is waiting.