Update: Hour Glass Figure??? Is She Slap Happy?

Editor's Note; When we answer your letters, most times we'll send you the link to your answer in an email. At that time we'll offer you the opportunity to give us feedback. This is that feedback with an additional question. It is from the letter

Hour Glass Figure???

Dear Aunt Babz,

You are truly a class act! Thanks so much for your very thorough and thoughtful reply. You have much wisdom to offer. I hope you are over the flu.

Yes, you were right about the slap. Though in all honesty, it was more embarrassing than painful. And I dunno, it was kinda sexy in a retro sorta way....or maybe I'm just a sicko, lol

I guess still feel conflicted about the whole incident. She really seemed like a sweet, classy woman so I do feel badly that I upset her. Her parents emigrated here from the Philippines and she seemed to have very traditional values and was passionate about teaching.

I do have her email address. Think I should send her an apology note? Maybe even try for a coffee date?


Kevin



Dear Kevin,

We really appreciated hearing from you, especially the complimentals. I'm also grateful for your kind concern over this Flu. I am slow but steady now as before I was slow and slurpy, can you say eeeew?

Well, let's get down to business...

A lot is explained in the fact that your lady friend is Filipino.I know a thing or two when it comes to the stringent values and beliefs shared by the Filipino's as our family Nanny, Clara Del Mar, was from the Philippine's. She helped raise my brothers and lil' sister as well as minded after my own when they were little. Clara was more than a Nanny though, she was family.

Yes, that statement alone explicates the scenario, especially the slap happy part. Your gal pal comes from, as you stated, "very traditional values," a world still set apart. There's a lot of history, you may enjoy learning, if you've not already about the Philippine's and the Americanization thereof.

I find it intriguing that you'd still want to play out another scene from an old movie. I don't know is a Casablanca Complex(another fine Babzizm)? Is it the thrill of the kill, so to speak, you know to conquer and tame the unbridled fury of a fine Filipino woman?

Back to your question...I have a tad bit of mixed emotions on this, to be honest. It may be a loyalty, my protective nature. At the same time, I'll tell you what I'd tell all my own boys;

"Live on the edge just like Mama. Hell, I'm such a Rebel, I refuse to rewind any of my DVD's before I take them back to Blockbuster."

So my Darling Kevin, I give my blessings and advise you to possibly write her an email. I would first point out that you realize how impersonal it is to send an email but you just can't continue having this "unsettling issue" on your mind or something along those lines. Tell her that you never intended to offend her and in your mind it was the highest compliment you could have ever imparted!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Interesting Reading:

Do Women Still Slap Men?

Why is it OK to show women slapping men as "comedy?"

Have A Question??? Nothing Is Taboo!!!

Click Here to Ask Aunt B

Re-Visiting; "Remember; You're Doing Nothing Wrong..."

Editor's Notation; I received the following comment via email about a post from Wednesday, January 23, 2008. The question was answered by our Chief Resident Society Member, "Xmichra" as well as MPJ, our guest adviser from
A Room of Mama's Own

The post generated many comments and the buzz is still going, evidently, since we have in the past and are still receiving comments, etc. Certainly controversial, we'd love to know how you feel about it. We will publish your comment as well. Write to askauntb@gmail.com

Date: 2/5/2009 1:10:19 PM

To: mzbabz@comcast.net

Subject: [~Free Advice; Ask Aunt B~] New comment on Remember; You're Doing Nothing Wrong.....

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Remember; You're Doing Nothing Wrong...":


I'd like to clarify that I do not believe that porn is "evil" or "wrong." I am open to watching it with him, it just makes me feel like sh*t when he does it behind my back and lies about it if I catch him. I'm not TRYING to catch my husband masturbating to porn, believe me; it just causes World War III and I'm sick of trying to validate my feelings to him on the subject. What bothers me the most is that our sex life has been slacking in quantity and quality for over a year now, and any time I try to initiate something different, new positions, etc. I get shot down...and the things that I've been wanting to do since we got married are things that he watches online but STILL has never done with me. Yes, I am jealous of the porn itself because he would rather watch strangers do these things than do them with me. My body has not changed, I look exactly the same as I did the day we met. He is not like other guys I dated before, that's why I married him... but at the same time, there is no possible way to win an argument with him because he deals with EVERYTHING with ultimatums. It's his way or no way, and I'm almost ready to give up.



Posted by Anonymous to ~Free Advice; Ask Aunt B~ at February 05, 2009




Dear Depressed & Hurt Wife, I have to admit, after reading the comments again from your original post, I got a little worried about the conversation you had with your husband. There were a lot of opinions there, and a few *I* would have questioned the motive behind, had it been me being talked to. I am glad you got back to us, I can see that this is a major issue, it was a year ago you wrote into us in the first place. I think what you are feeling is completely rational, I would be jealous as well (and I *do* look different from when we first met!). But there are a few things I would ask... What you are doing (initiating) isn’t a bad thing at all, and wanting to have sex isn’t bad either. Maybe your husband has a lower sex drive than you (hard to imagine with the watching of porn, but some people watch porn and masturbate in the hopes of becoming better in bed, and excited more for their partner.). I am not sure. And I am no expert. I want to also say, that there are things in fantasy world that we, in our normal regular lives, fantasize about but do not want to do. Sounds crazy right? What is the point of fantasy if there is no chance for realism? The point (for some) is to find their boundaries, and their comfort zones. Maybe some of the things he is watching he wants to see, and maybe one day do, but isn’t comfortable yet to do it. You said you can’t win an argument with him... have you been able to talk to him without an argument taking place? Sex is very personal, we all know this. But for some people there are a lot of other issues and taboos that go with having sex that they become really defensive and argumentative. So if you haven’t been able to have an open dialogue conversation without arguing, this is a sign that you definitely need a third party (like a relationship councilor, or sex therapist) to help mediate. I understand that you are frustrated and there may be hesitance to seek professional help, but honestly if you do not do this... I am afraid that you two will either be lonely in a resentful marriage, or divorced. This isn’t a small issue, and I hope you do get the resolve required to satisfy not only your sex life, but the feelings of hurt. If you need help finding someone in your area, please write back and we will try to help you, completely confidential. ~Xmichra.

Update; "Your Stranger"

Editor's Note; This is from the original post,

" Your Stranger"

On follow up Aunt B asked "Is the situation the same?" The following response was emailed back and Xmichra has promptly answered to address this new question.

Dear Aunt Babz, Xmichra,

It's fine, really. I was surprised enough that you were able to reply to mine's. The advice was good, and I have taken it to heart. But you're right; the situation's changed a bit.

In your advice, you told me that the next time I see him I should do small, subtle gestures. Like wave at him, right? But if I do that, I'll completely throw away an opportunity to be with him at all. Our relationship was never carried through physical interactions with one another. To make a long story short, my friend (the one who likes him) introduced him to me via a website, and it just took off from there. In essence, it's an online relationship. It's amazing enough that this relationship even exists, and in that case, a relationship such as ours. We're not ones who'd be telling secrets to strangers, but this is just a strange exception.
But despite this, I think this would have been the only way that I could have gotten to know him as quickly as I did. The person on screen is a more true version of himself, or at least that's what I think. In life, he's quiet and has a demeanor which is able to scare everyone off.

And I guess, this is where the problem lies.
He is silent, while I'm in the complete opposite end of the spectrum.

Over the internet, we are able to find some common ground, but in life...
If he was to meet me in life first, he would have never befriended me because of this--he even confirmed this for me.

I decided that I shouldn't treat him any different than any of my other friends, so even if, from first glance, someone like him would just insulting me for my behavior (which he does), if he is unable to tolerate me for who I am, then this would be a difficult friendship.
But when I'm in this mode, I more prone to doing stupid, careless acts which end up with a negative effect on him. I don't want to get him uncomfortable or angry, but I haven't been around people to realize what's wrong and right. And it makes it even harder when he's unable to show he doesn't want something to be done.

I've gotten him majorly angry once, which has put a dent in our friendship--well, our friendship, and possibly those who belong in the same friend group. His sister said he didn't want to go back to another gathering, and he said that he was no longer comfortable around us. And in the end, it was my fault, wasn't it?
It's not like I would change. I've already fixed small problems--that's easy--but it's getting him to trust me which is difficult when I'm infamous for my brash behavior.
He's also notorious for ditching opportunities to hang out with people, unless there's an excuse to go, like a birthday. I remember once, our group of friends had arranged to go to the mall, but once I got there, his sister called to tell me that he didn't "feel like it" anymore. And no, none of our birthdays are coming up anytime soon.
That only leaves one choice: going to him, but this option he really dislikes. Plus, he doesn't even go to the same school as I do, and lives far from me, so it's not like I can visit him afterschool or anything.

I also think that our online relationship is dwindling. I talk to him, yes, but most of the time, it doesn't seem like he's interested in what I have to say for whatever reason. I talk to him less and less now, as he is probably getting tired of me and is possibly too busy for me, but even when do, it's often quite brief.

At this point, I don't care about that relationship. At this point, I may not even have a friendship. I can say that a relationship was not meant to be and let it slip, but can I really do the same with a friendship?

Well, I'm not too concerned about this situation as the other. Compared to the other, this is quite... dull. Somehow I feel like there's an exit to this problem somewhere, but with the other, I'm backed into a corner.




Dear Reader,

I am glad that you have updated your situation; it gives a little bit more clarity to the picture.
You said : At this point, I don't care about that relationship. At this point, I may not even have a friendship. I can say that a relationship was not meant to be and let it slip, but can I really do the same with a friendship?

Well, I'm not too concerned about this situation as the other. Compared to the other, this is quite... dull. Somehow I feel like there's an exit to this problem somewhere, but with the other, I'm backed into a corner.
So.. i am confused on one part, what exactly are you backed into??? Your friendship with this guy?? Because you are never backed into a friendship. You are either friends, or you are not. So you need to figure this out, is he really a friend or just an on-line conversation?
The world is different on line, and you know that. We can all be the selves that we wish we were out in the real world. Only trouble is making that transition from our on-line selves to our real life selves is much more difficult when you are scared and withdrawn like this fellow seems to be. And that is his issue to deal with. You are not doing anything wrong by being yourself, and if this guy can’t deal with who you are... well you are better off without him. Friends do not judge each other and friends support each other. So even if this guy decided that he couldn’t be with you romantically, there is no reason for him to snub you on a friend level.
Really it sounds to me like this guy has a lot of issues to overcome, and you have tried to be a friend with little in the way of reciprocation. Maybe it would be better for you to let go of it, and get on with your own life. Seems like you want to do other things but can’t seem to get over him... you have to let yourself be okay with that. You liked a guy, it didn’t work out the way you wanted it too, you want to be friends if he will deal, so let it go. You did nothing wrong.

Good Luck,

~Xmichra.

Still Stickin' To Your Guns!

This is an Updated and New question To Xmichra from the past post Stick To Your Guns


Hi Xmichra,

I never heard back from you...was hoping you would have some more insight and advice for me. Last time you were so right on the mark with your feedback. I went back and read your post every time I thought that I might weaken and not take action on leaving the relationship I was in. You were a lifesaver, I know that now. Since the time that I sent you my email on August 10th my ex was arrested for Grand Theft and the D.A. is charging her with the crime. It won't heal the hurt she left behind but it will hold her accountable for her actions. She kept attempting to contact me after the restraining order was in place, but after I reported it several times and the police contacted her, it has been quiet for a while now. At times I struggle with not letting what happened eat me up, it's hard to get over betrayal and lies, especially when I spent so many years in a relationship with her. I am grateful to be out of the relationship and to have my life back again, but none-the-less the process of healing is painful and slow. I know from your website that you're not feeling well right now, but when you feel better I would love it if you had some follow up advice/insight you could share with me. If you're really not up to it, I understand, then perhaps someone else at "Ask Aunt Babs" might want to help me out and share some insight with me.

Thanks so much,
"I Stuck to my Guns"

Dear “I stuck to my guns”

First, let me say how pleased I am that you are finally out of that relationship. I know that it has been really hard on you this past year, but from the tone of your most recent e-mail I really do feel as though you are on a better, healthier path (for reference you can read the first post here: http://goauntb.blogspot.com/2007/08/stick-to-your-guns.html ).

I was heartbroken reading the section about your stolen jewelry. I know how hard that must have been for you (having pieces from your mother be stolen like that) and you were right. You were in a state of grieving, and that made the loss that much harder to deal with. People sometimes forget that inanimate objects do hold memories, and when you thought that they were temporarily missing (from your ex taking them) you didn’t think that they would be gone forever. So seeing the pawn slips, in effect is much like seeing a death certificate. It is grounding and hard to take in. I am happy that you were able to recover one of those pieces though, sounds like the pawnbroker was a good man.

Second, I also would like to pat you on the back for involving the law. There are plenty of people who wouldn’t have, and I strongly believe that if you hadn’t things would be far worse for you. That constant feeling of being watched is not pleasant, and it is something that will not go away if you do not put consequences in the way. So I am very happy that you did what you have (in terms of restraining orders and pressing charges). Another piece of this is that if the charges to indeed stick, the police may be forced to look for your stolen property and issue warrants for receivership to the pawn shops your ex used to get those items back. Hopefully that is the way they will go with that issue.

You are going to go through a rough transition period (you know this already) because of the grieving and also because of the strain this relationship put on you. No matter if you have solved the problem; your head will like to play games with you. What I mean by this, is that you will find it hard to trust, hard to rely on people and hard to deal with what happened to you because this was a very bad thing to have happened. So with this, I am especially glad that you have sought out therapy, because these are issues that do not go away over time if they are left. These types of issues do fester and become worse if left to their own devices. Again, I am very glad you are seeking help on a professional level.

The process of healing is slow and can sometimes be painful. But please remember that you have endured the worst part – living the actual life of it. You have made your way through the thick of the mud, and you are clean from that now. You have a lot of life left to enjoy the things that you love, and the ability to love again. Hold on to those things, they are not small. In fact, it is pretty much the secret to life (if I may get all pearl of wisdom here!), being able to live and enjoy its pleasures. Trust me on this one, every single guru in this world will tell you the same (not that I am a guru of course, but you catch my meaning).

If I may add a little more advice here, and this is cautionary but not meant to be fearful. But if your ex isn’t in prison, you may want to invest in a security devise for your home and vehicle if you haven’t done so already. This is more for security sake, even though you are in a secure building. She has already proven her skill at getting around those things, and you just never know the extent of someone in her frame of mind. So if you haven’t already done this, I would advise it.

Another piece of advice I would give, is don’t be too hard on yourself. I know first hand how hard it can be after being in a relationship of lies and deception, to not blame yourself for not seeing the problem. But the truth of the matter is that some people are manipulators and no matter if you are the most genius person on the face of the planet, a good manipulator can manipulate you. Do not fault yourself for wanting to love someone. Do not fault yourself for wanting to trust someone. These are emotions that are good and meant to be shared. And you will find someone able to reciprocate them in a positive manor.

I hope that you are indeed doing and feeling better. And once again, I congratulate the courage it took to re-claim your life.

Brightest Blessings

~Xmichra.