Saturday, December 6, 2008

"Your Stranger"

Dear Aunt Babz,

Dear whoever would even bother to read this,

Okay, well, I don't know how to start this off. I've never really done any of this advice stuff before, or openly expressed my feelings, so I guess I'm a bit awkward typing this out, but here goes...

This isn't anything new. I won't go into details, but my friend's friend blurted out that my friend might possibly like me. Sure, they were in cryptic riddles, but I'm not an idiot.

At that moment, I was scared.
Cause I think I feel the same way.

I've kept my mouth shut about it for a year or so. I've lied to him once too, and sternly told him that I "wasn't into him that way". But after this discovery, I don't know what to do anymore.

I've seen enough advice given to be able to probably predict what's going in your head right now. Something along the lines of, "Great! Go for it without any turning back! You’ll only live your life once." right? But if my problems could be solved that easily, I wouldn't have needed to ask you in the first place.

For starters, I know that he has a lot going on in his life, and throwing a relationship in there wouldn't be doing him any favours. I realize that someone liking you just one huge burden for one to carry. Once they confess, even if they don't say it, but they expect something back. Relationships is just one big thing to distract him from whatever's going on in the moment (which may be for the better, but I won't get into that). He needs to concentrate on himself first and foremost.

He's mentioned before that he's too young to be starting a relationship with anyone, and to be honest, I'd have to agree--for myself included. Not because of our ages, but we're not mature enough to be able to put with any sort of commitment. High school isn't a time where roots are suppose to settle. It's just one big drama show of hopping from one person to another.

Besides, what does it all matter? His mother has forbidden him to have a girlfriend until he's finished his schooling, as "they're a distraction from his studies". I can understand as to why he's relieved by this. He doesn't have to worry about any of these insignificant problems. (Which ties in with what I said before) My parents have laid down similar rules.

Then what's the point of confessing at all?
So I confess. We're awkward. The end.
He's a close friend of mine, and though I hate to admit it, rely on him as a crutch. I don't want our friendship to end, but I'm a shy individual. It's hard for me to talk to anyone regardless of who they are. Like admitting all these feelings out in the open... so... embarrassing. I think it's the same for him.

So what just might I be looking for underneath all of this? I guess just your honest opinion about my situation. I'd like to hear what you have to say regarding my actions.

Have these things straight though:
I don't expect him to be my boyfriend if I confess my feelings. I don't expect anything back on his end. If he wants to start a relationship, then I have no qualms about it. But it is up to him to decide what he would like to do.
The only reason why this problem is getting so out of hand for me is because of the small chance of him actually feeling the same way about me back. Otherwise, I would have kept telling myself that all of this is unrequited. (Which I bet you would chastise me for)
Even without my mom's rule, I'm not desperate for a relationship. If it wasn't for him meddling with my feelings, I'd be tossing away the whole idea of getting a boyfriend.
And even if we were to start something, I don't expect it last for long. I don't think I'd make an awesome girlfriend for anyone in any situation. Lets just say that I'm a lot to take in for some people and that I'm not in the best condition to be taking on a partner's role either. This affects him, especially. He needs something that I'm not able to provide.
And remember, the only way I was able to figure out that he might have liked me is because his friend couldn't keep his mouth shut. He obviously didn't want me finding it out.

Oh, did I ever mention that a very close friend of mine likes this person too? Someone is going to be hurt in the end, and I don't want to be the one who ignited the flame.

It's complicated, I know. I wish I had someone to turn to, but I don't, which brings me to this email. I remember he mentioned once that the only person who can keep a secret is a stranger. I think he may be right.

Thank you in advance for any words you may give me, and sorry for the awfully long read.



Dear Anonymous,

I will always be "Your Stranger," ok? And"NO" I'm not going to tell you to go for it. But life and love is all a matter of perspective ya know? There are also, let me make this clear, varying degrees of that love. You love a family member differently than you'll love your husband. And you will love a friend differently as well, right?

What I will tell you is that I think the best relationships stem from friendship first. The longest relationships, the ones that last a lifetime, they will tell you that their spouse is their absolute best friend. I am not projecting that this guy will be your husband and I'm certainly not rushing things or saying that he is the one.

OK, it's like this, is days gone by, people did things slower. Before they ever thought of sleeping with each other, of course, again, in days gone by, they waited until marriage. There was a good reason for this, actually many, many reasons. But the most evident and important reason for this was so you'd first get to know the potential life partner. If you can't be friends first, you have no business hopping in the sack with them. The reasons for that were many, as well. Of course the biggest reason was the very real possibility of getting pregnant. So, you took things easy because who the hell wants to be strapped in a relationship with someone that you don't really know or care for?

Things, morals and people have changed and I don't want to get on a soap box about it but suffice it to say that there are valid reasons behind those values and beliefs. Obviously your parents have similar reasoning and have more or less passed them onto to you. More obviously is the fact that you have strong moral values and beliefs yourself. In this day and age that is quite refreshing.

It has been made clear to me that you are strong willed with stronger principles. It's also clear to me that you seem to keep yourself in check and although I think you are sometimes hard on yourself, this ability to live in reality, live life on life's terms and your own personal accountability is going to carry you far.

You seem mature in a world of people with a "Just Do It" mentality. It's clear to me that you think before you run, look before you leap but you do tend to over analyze things, don't you? Yes, you are a deep thinker and us deep thinkers do tend to suffer more but we live life to it's fullest.

My suggestion to you is to brace yourself, anticipate all possibilities, all possible answers so you might steel yourself. Then, you take it one second at a time, baby steps. That means when you see him, you nod, then next time you wave hello.

I think you can read between the lines here. Body language and innuendo, the way you now smile will never hurt you. Baby steps.

See, if you act like you have no ulterior motive, if deep inside you, you have no ulterior motive other than to build a friendship and it's all one second at a time, there's no room for error, no harm, no foul. You won't be that chick who throws herself at the guy, you'll never seem desperate because you are not and that's very clear. It will also be clear to anybody and everybody that sees how you behave.

Let me just tell you that I can see that you have every right in the world to hold you head up and face the world. You face it with a sense of pride because you are a stand-up kind a gal. No, you are not one of the bimbo's that toys with a guys emotions, plays games with a clear cut hidden agenda, that's actually not very hidden. We all know this type of girl, don't we? Her only accreditation is how many guys she can bed down. Yes, they are the proverbial "Lipstick Notch" on the bed post type of young ladies which give us all a bad name. I know you know what I'm talking about, huh? Yep and I know you hold them in complete disdain.

This is why you have proceeded so cautiously, isn't it? Yes, hold your head up because I know you've had opportunities and offers but you choose not to behave this way. But you do understand that they do behave this way because in many ways they are simply desperate and unfulfilled. They search to fill a void.

I feel that you do not have a void and feel that you are adding to an already full plate if you add a relationship on top of it, right? This is because you have remained focused. It's a great thing, this focus you have. So you continue to proceed in baby steps because I do see you going places because you have remained focused. You will get what you want.

My only wish for you is that you try to not be so hard on yourself. Look for a place where you can begin to be comfortable with you, in your own skin. When you look in the mirror begin to like yourself again. After all, you are an authentic, loyal and loving person who
genuinely cares. Yes, it's almost painful, is it not?

My point is this, anyone who has you for a friend, including this guy, should be grateful and glad to call you a friend. Remember this.

Your secret is safe with me...

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Dear Anonymous,

Sounds to me like you have already talked yourself out of anything good possibly coming out of this, so i would tell you to forget the whole thing because you are right, he doesn't need THIS drama. Now, if you are willing to see things a little more positively and without that grain of snarky-ness, you just might find a different path. Obviously this guy is used to you already, he is a friend. Friends don't generally get to be friends by ignoring your character, so you need to look at that first. If he wasn't interested, you would already know. The fact that it was asked of you a year ago about your feelings towards him, tells me that he does feel more for you. But you need to get your head out of that dark cloud. A relationship isn't a burden to those who participate equally and with thoughtfulness. And it isn't some big distraction to people who share common goals. A relationship can be a very good thing for obtaining goals, and the support from one another can bring you to goals you never even thought possible. You would be surprised what the love of another can do for you. High school relationships, you are correct, almost never go further then that. Yet I don't know very many adults who regret those relationships as they helped build their character and form what they look for in a partner. And for the ones who married their high school sweethearts, I have never seen anything so sweet. It is remarkable to have had this whole life with a person and to reflect on similar items. But regardless, you can't just talk yourself out of doing something because of fear. And that is exactly what this letter drips of... fear. Fear of rejection, fear of relationships, fear of breaking up, fear of distraction.. it's all fear. And you just can't go through life fearing everything that makes life what it is...

"Even the most brilliant minds, may have troubled Souls"

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