True Self

Dear Aunt B,

Greetings,
I have nowhere to turn with this issue, so here I go putting my question to a complete stranger....
Perhaps I am just looking for validation.
In any case, here goes...
My girlfriend of 30 years is going through a divorce. When she first brought her future husband around, we all thought he was gay, but hey, it was the 80's, and many lines were blurred. She married him, had 2 children lickety-split, and then the sex stopped. Now, 22 years later, she's having her moment of clarity, hooked up with an old boyfriend, feels pretty again, and wants a divorce. Her children are very troubled, particularly her son, who flew off the handle one night after they had collected him from the police station and called his father a faggot, and told him that he knew all about his internet escapades.
Her husband is a powerful man, with good lawyers. He is, in fact, the superintendent of a large school district. She felt that in order to leverage herself for the fight (husband suspects infidelity on her part), she had better bring some ammunition of her own to the table.
She put a SpyBot on his computer. It turns out that this man has regular anonymous sex with many male partners, but, here's the kicker, his Craigslist ad states that he must be the "father" and his partner for the evening his "son". My friend is sick over this and wonders if he has ever touched their son.
This man works with children for almost 10 months out of the year. Do you think the district should be notified? I'm sure he uses his work computer for the same purpose.
I cannot speak to anyone about this, I'll be shunned. Everyone is just hoping she gets out with half. I don't think that's good enough. If my kids were in his district, I'd be the first to notify them, no question about it. But I'm far away, and I don't want to ruin anyone's life, and is it really even my business?
Any advice on what to do, internet stranger?
Many thanks,
Karen F.




Dear Karen F,

Wow, that's pretty creepy, isn't it? I would also imagine, rather frustrating to say the least.

Yes, it's a damn shame your G-Friend wasted so many good years of her life...and yet, I do believe we all go through things in our life for good reason. She just must simply find that reason.

The first thing I'd like to reiterate is that you make sure your friend understands that this happened through no fault of her own. This man was born gay, that's it and that's all.

What happened is that he tried to live by Societal rules or rather live by the status quo, you know what we all consider normality. but has since succumbed to his True Self. That "true self" sounds rather deviant though, doesn't it? I am completely grossed out by it just as you are.

Yes Karen, it's one thing to be Gay, be true to oneself and desire the same sex, find someone to love, in what can be considered a wholesome gay relationship. It's quite another story when you're gay and are having sex with anything that walks down the pike, night after night. It's also flirting with death as well as disaster.

Again, I do firmly believe that you are born gay. And I see nothing wrong with people who search for love in a gay relationship, possibly even using Craigslist or something similar. Of course love being the primary and paramount word/piece in this issue.

However, I do also believe that God does not care much for deviance. And yes, there is a big difference between the two ways of conducting ones self in relation to being Gay.

There are a few important issues to consider here though. For one; Although it's abhorrent in my book to play this game that this fella is alluding, concerning where, "he must be the "father" and his partner for the evening his "son" as you wrote, it does not mean he's a Pedophile. (I realize that you did not say that he was)

Breaking that down, his behavior may indicate, what appears as pedophilia or rather a desire for young boys but it is clearly not the audience he is entertaining.

What I am trying to say is that he may not be acting upon any desire for a prepubescent child, which is the guideline as to the definition of pedophilia. Well, let's pray to God he's not as his position in the School District would surely allow an array of opportunity.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that you must be certain that you understand that the fact that he enjoys young men and playing this game does not mean he is a pedophile. Stranger than fiction, he may very well have a taste for toying with the "Twinks."

In example, trying to put it all into perspective, you have a huge populace of men who have a taste for that "School Girl." They may even go as far as to ask their significant to dress up in that fashion. Now, this does not in any way, shape or form imply that they are pedophiles nor does it mean that they'll act out or upon those desires with, per say, a child in a school girl uniform. The mind set itself are, in actuality, two totally and completely different. I do hope you agree?

Personally, this mans behavior, well, I find it rather offensive as well as disgusting but his Craigslist post is, I believe, designed to attract the aforementioned Twink.

As well, there's no legal wrong being committed, at least on the surface as the posts are designated for young men that are 18 or older. Craigslist has the site designed for 18 & up with the following disclaimer;

craigslist > men seeking men > warning & disclaimer

Unless all of the following points are true, use your "back" button to exit this part of craigslist:

1. I am at least 18 years old.
2. I understand "men seeking men" may include adult content.
3. I agree to flag as "prohibited" anything illegal or in violation of the craigslist terms of use.
4. I agree to report suspected exploitation of minors and/or human trafficking to the appropriate authorities.
5. By clicking on the links below, I release craigslist from any liability that may arise from my use of this site.

men seeking men

Choosing safer sex for you and your partner greatly reduces the risk of contracting STDs including HIV -- you can get answers to your safer sex questions, courtesy of staff members at the SF city clinic

craigslist has implemented the PICS content labeling system to assist parents and others who may be interested in content filtering. The PICS system is compatible with most commercially available as well as open source content control software packages.

I'm a bit perplexed as to how to advise you simply because this is such a delicate situation. What comes to mind though, is for your G-Friend to take all of her evidence and present it to her soon to be ex-husband. She can then write the end to this tumultuous chapter, I believe.

What I'm saying is that if she let's him know what evidence she has, he's going to accommodate her in every way possible so that she does not bring it all to the surface and make it all public.

I mean, if you think about it, he has really gone out of his way, all these years to keep all this under his hat. I'd be willing to bet that he does not want the public, especially the school district to know all this. After all, in light of public opinion, it will not sit well with anyone that their leader is behaving in a less than favorable fashion and still dealing with children on the daily.

I suppose what I'm implying is that she most certainly has an Ace up her sleeve and it's just about time to play that hand. She should win the game.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

Have A Question??? Nothing Is Taboo!!!

Click Here to Ask Aunt B

A Good Reason

Dear Aunt Babz,


Of lately everything that could go wrong has.. Ranging from a love triangle between my parents and another partner to the demise of what is supposed to be one of the happiest of moments. As of now I’m 18 years old still in high school and I got a great job at a dental tech lab. I also have a wonderful fiancée who is just as stressed as I am.

To start from the beginning of the mess, lets begin with me parents. There has been a very strange relationship between my mom and step dad and my moms partner Vickie. It seems almost every three months my mom switches around who she wants to be with and results in repacking what I just unpacked and move. So far we have moved between 2 houses at least 6 times. Because of this there has been a sense of insecurity always with me not knowing were im going to be sleeping the next day. I cant move out due to the fact im in school and because i don’t want to leave my mother do to the fact that she is for the most part blind. She has a eye disease called stargarts which is the deterioration of the retinas in your eyes. I feel trapped obligated to take care of her. Don’t take me wrong I love my mother its just I want to live my own life.

To add on to things my fiancé’s parents did a complete 180 on what the told me…

In a way im am partial to tradition so I asked Kelly’s parents for there blessing which they did give me along with the talk. But when the time came around in which I asked Kelly her parents flip flopped on us and gave the exact opposite reaction we were expecting. Both and me and Kelly were hurt by this and have no clue why they reacted so. I know we are still young but we have been best friends for 5 years and together for 2 years and in my opinion she is the one. A lot of people say we are to young but 9 times out of ten so were they including Kelly’s parents. All I wanted was for them to be happy for us but that doesn’t likely to happen. We even told them we were going to wait a year after high school to get more established but that wasn’t good enough.., they wanted us to wait three.

Also her parents control her life and what she does 9/10 out of the time and give her little independence. I keep on trying to get her to spread her wings but they are bounded by her parents controlling influence.

I am very sorry that this is most likely a wii bit scattered but any advice on these problems would mean the world to me and and Kelly.

Sincerely,

Tyler



Dear Tyler,

I consider it a gift, this thing I have? I prefer to call it, "The Art of Intuitiveness." I wish like hell I'd paid attention to it, through out my life but more often than not, I didn't listen.

I can look back and see that in every instance where I did a dumb thing, took the wrong turn, made the wrong choice, I was told not to do it. Of course, I did it anyway.

We live, we learn and then hopefully, we laugh like hell about it. You have the gift as well, did you not know? You must learn to listen, fine tune it, reign it in and begin to use it to your advantage. My gut instinct, what came to mind as I read your letter, were the words,

"All things happen, in your life, for a reason.
A Good Reason."

It would serve you, all the days of your life, if you remember those words. Now, I'm quite sure your dilemma does not sit well with you, especially concerning the fact that you tried to do everything by the book, so to speak, only to be shot down. It's liable to be frustrating, I would imagine?

Patience is certainly not a virtue in youth. For that matter, it is rare for most people to have patience, no matter the age. But I can only recommend that you find this virtue and remember that it won't be long and you'll be on your own. Or at least you'll be of age and can make your own choices.

It's easier said than done but if I were you I'd begin to concentrate on your short term goals, for the moment. Leave the long term goals alone, come what may.

I think it's an honorable position for you to want to make Kelly your wife. I do believe because you did do everything right, by going to her parents and asking for her hand in marriage, it must have stung, even harder when they changed their position, right?

I think what I am trying to say, is to simply re-think your strategy. Once you graduate, in possibly, a few short months, you might re-approach things.

For now, as I stated before, look at the short term goals; Graduation etc. If you are going to stay at your present employer, as in, is this going to be your main source of income then you must ask yourself, if this will sustain you, can you make a living in this position.

Whether you realize it or not, time is on your side. Use this time wisely to scope out a plan of attack, for better words. What I am referring to is the fact that if you were to marry this lovely girl tomorrow, where will you both live? In this present position, do you make enough or will you, given the opportunity of full time employment as/at the dental tech lab?

Again, time is on your side and this will afford you to take things slowly. I do realize that you love her so much and want to plan out the rest of your lives together. But you also want to do it right. Why do you say this Aunt B?

Well, it's a fact that those that rush into marriage or the ones that are thrown into the situation because of, perhaps, pregnancy, well, the divorce statistics speak for themselves. Now, I know you don't/can't foresee this every happening to you especially because you love her so very much. But shit happens and two people often grow apart. The chief reason that most people fight is, believe it or not; Money.

Now, I know for a fact that you, Mr. Tyler are rather intelligent and for the most part, you have thought this thing through. I don't assume that you've not played the tape out, "This is Your Life," from beginning to end. But when I say that time is on your side, the approach I want you to take is for a good reason; I want you to be afforded every advantage, no surprises and the makings of a wonderful life.

By planning things out, you will be on top of the program and better equipped to deal with those calamities. And they will come, I guaran damn tee ya. But this approach I am speaking of is going to work to your advantage. It's just a matter of how you perceive things.

Take back, even if it's in your own mind, control of your life. It really is a perspective, an exercise in empowerment to say to yourself, "Well OK, they told us to wait and I will use this to my advantage." See, let go of being pissed off about it or being angry at your situation. By the way, your situation, the way your home life has unfolded, will steel you for your future. Yes, it all is happening for a good reason!

See, the strategy I am looking at is you have to realize the "what if's," of your future situation. What if Kelly gets pregnant? Even if you are not planning a pregnancy, even with birth control or a condom, accidents happen. This changes the variables tremendously and you must be ready.

The hardest thing, in this life, is to find out that your partner, who you thought you knew, does not handle, very well, the slaps that life hands out. You must calculate the unforeseen, the element of unknown, the monkey wrench in the works.

I know you want it all to happen right here, right now. Good grief, you love Kelly so much that every minute apart is painful. She feels the same way about you, you are her best friend, which by the way is the best thing you've got going for you.

Just for the record, the longest lasting relationships are/were ones where the couple were friends first. Where they planned out their future,

There is a longer list for the least lasting relationships.
That list goes on and on, primarily starting with situations where money issues were prevalent, it being the number one reason for break-ups and divorce. I believe the next might be where two people, so in love, they tested the waters, had sex, got pregnant only to find they weren't ready for that responsibility. The strain of it all led to constant fighting which ultimately led to the break-up. I mean, it's a huge responsibility to, not only pay for a pregnancy and raise a child but to do it without fighting is extremely difficult.

Fighting fair is important as well. When the shit hits the fan and times are tough, couples often tend to blame each other and so on. But if you can not fight fair and say things that hit below the belt, quite often irreprehensible damages come along. A vicious circle then becomes evident causing the couple to call it quits. It's too far gone, there's too much pain, it just can't be repaired.

And I don't want all this to happen to you, Tyler. So, take this time to plan it all out so you and Kelly have the best possible chance of living the good life. If you can remember my words, "that all things happen for a reason," you will begin to see the truth unfold, right in front of your eyes!

I wish you both the very best life has to offer...

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Sex Is Not The Answer

Dear Aunt B,

I have this need to make my mom feel really good, and she devorced my dad a couple years ago and has just been alone and i also have a really bad need to i want to have sex with her bad i have even tried letting her catch me masterbaiting but she just closes the door quick and acts inocent and your smart so how do i get her to have sex with me i really want her. How do i get her to have me in bed?

Dear Friend,

Our creed here at Aunt Babz is nothing is Taboo and we will answer every question. And I shall...

I can not tell you to kill those emotions, the ones you have for your Mom. I can tell you that they are not proper and I can and will tell you that you should probably seek counseling to put those emotions in check, in proper order.

I assume you are not joking about these feelings. I know I am not laughing about it. I do and am able to see this situation as it is. See, I think you are trying to be a good son. I do think you love your Mom terribly. But I do see that you have flipped the script. You have changed the variables between what's healthy between a young man and his Mom. Don't misunderstand what I am saying as I do give you credit for wanting to make your Mom happy again but I guarantee this is not the right way to make her happy.

As well, you are not the first boy who falls in love with his Mom. Psychological statistics state that a boy first falls for his Mom, quite often but does not act on the emotion. He realizes it's incestuous, not proper, not healthy and in turn, quite often seeks out a girl who is very much like his Mom.

I believe your feelings are real but that does not make them right. I also believe that you are ready to cross that invisible line between a relationship between, that of a mother and her son and a woman and her lover. You can never do this and I hope you will see that it is wrong. In fact, it may be quite upsetting to your Mom. I have three sons and can not imagine or even fathom a sexual encounter with any one of them. I may have even flipped out if they every approached me that way.

I would strongly urge you to seek counsel, you know a professional therapist, in your town. I feel you need to work through these feelings, maybe in a one on one setting. My reasons are not just because of your feelings towards or for your Mother. But I have the sneaking suspicion that you only want to help your Mom, you only want to make her feel better, as you've stated yourself, in your letter.

Yes, I do believe you've grown frustrated and long for your Mom to smile again. That is a wonderful thing. You want her to be happy again, right? If this is the truth, your true motive, sex is not the answer. Just for future reference, most women do not equate sex with making everything alright or making things better. What I mean is this; If you fight with your wife, make up sex is great but it's not the answer. No, actions speak louder than words. By doing the right thing, by showing that you care in the little things you do, that will make a larger impact.

Again, I urge you to get into counseling. You have quite a few issues and a professional, in your area can and will help you work through them. He/She may help you get back on track to a healthy and loving relationship between you and your Mom. Sex is not the answer here, ok?

Now, the best way you could please your Mom, is most likely by doing well in school, helping around the house and treating her with respect. A fella only gets one Mom...make sure you value yours.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Dear Josh,

You ask of us to show you how to get your mother in bed, and the only answer I have is: you don’t.

You’re in a tough spot mentally right now and I would strongly suggest seeking help with a professional therapist.

When a young man desires to be his mothers mate, there are all sorts of things going on there, most primarily that there is something else wrong in the picture. Speaking of only one theory, maybe you have anxiety and using the familiar bond between yourself and your mother to combat the impulses involved in your own sexual development. It could be a number of things that is happening with you right now.

Losing the male figure in your life is also very hard to deal with. Maybe you feel that it is “your job” to be the man in the house and that your mother needs you to be in the role. But I assure you, this is not your job and you do not need to feel like this.

Whatever the situation is warranting your thought process, you do need to talk it out with an accredited professional, because quite frankly your concern is above any of our (at Ask Aunt B’s) ability to talk you through. Yours is one that you do need help with, and if you need any help at all with that just let us know and we will help you find it. Please don’t think of this reply as scolding you or making you feel badly about yourself. I am sure that with a little guidance you can overcome this, and you will be back to living your life as intended.

Take care of yourself, and let us know if you need help.

~Xmichra.

Dear Friend,

You are feeling a role similar to the Father and this is why you are feeling all these things. So, that may be/feel like you want her. You've been taking care of her, haven't you? Now, I know you don't want your Mom to be sad or lonely or even to feel unwanted but you've got to remember you are her son. You are loved by your Mother but not in that way, as in man and wife. To get your mind out of these thoughts, you should get involved with other kids your age. Maybe join some Clubs, after school activities and these feelings will hopefully dissipate.

Know that you will still be there for your Mom, as a son, not a lover. If you decide to do this and go with your emotions right now, your Mom may become more depressed as this will be upsetting because it's not a normal or healthy relationship between a Mother and her son.

Your helpful thoughts, concerning your Mom are good ones but your idea as to how to make her feel better are all wrong. Your role is that of a son, a good and loving, caring, thoughtful son. I see that you are all these things just don't mix up your emotions.

Go to your Guidance Counselor and tell them you need to speak with a Counselor concerning your Mom and Dad's divorce. Then, tell them about these feelings.

On Your Side,

Halena