You're Not Promised Tomorrow

Dear Aunt B,

First Email

Hello,

I love my parents, they mean everything to me, it's been 3 weeks since

they last said a word to each other and I want them to speak again.

I've heard both sides of the story, my dad says that my mom speaks to

him as if he was inferior to her and that it seems she's lost all

respect for him. Then my mom says that my dad never helps out at home

and doesn't consider all the hard work she does. I want them to sit

down and talk to each other and stop complaining to me! How do I get

my stubborn parents to speak again or at least sit them down to talk

and resolve their issues?? I know if I ask them to sit down and talk,

they won't do it? What should I do? Please help me and thanks sooo

much! - Sincerely "Torn in 2" :(

Second Email...

Hello, and first of all I want to thank your for taking the time to read my email. I'm a 15 year old girl, that loves her parents deeply, but lately they have been having issues, that need to be resolved. My parents have not been speaking for 3 weeks. I know they had an argument, and I have heard both sides of their stories. My dad claims that my mom has lost all respect for him, and that it seems she no longer cares, while my mom says that my dad is inconsiderate when it comes to all the hard work she does at home. I know my parents love each other, but how do I get my two stubborn parents to speak again? I have told them a lot of times to talk things out, but they refuse to. What should I do to get my parents to speak again? Do you know of any plan or something to make them come together? I'm tired of this, and frankly I want them to talk things out like the civilized people they are! It hurts me to see them like this :(. I don't know what to do, please help me. I really need this, especially since father's day is coming up. Thanks soo much for taking the time to read my email.

Thank you ! ---

Sincerely "Torn In Two" :)




Dear Torn In Two,

I can see, reading between the lines that you are mature, way beyond your years. I can also see that you are a very "deep" thinker. This is a double edged sword, one you'll carry all the days of your life. It's a good and bad thing, you will see but don't ever change that about yourself.

You know, people fall in and out of love so easily, especially in this day and age. We take each other for granted as if we are each replaceable like robots or some kind of assembly line gadget we toss out with the trash.

On top of all this, we tend to treat each other horridly because God forbid we might let our guard down, let our real emotions show or even appear to be vulnerable. And no one ever wants to wrong, half wrong in any given situation where compromise is called for. It's true too that we always tend to hurt the ones we love the most.

Unfortunately, it also seems the Art of the Fight, well, it's no holds barred these days. We think nothing of hitting below the belt in our proverbial assault upon each other. Sad but true.

Words do cut like a knife. When I was with my last husband Sonny, oh my, we fought hardcore. I can remember almost wishing he'd just hit me instead of the barrage of insulting things he'd so easily fling at me. Yes, the black eye would've healed and disappeared but those words are/were forever stuck in the filing cabinet in my brain.

More often than not, we tend to "LOSE" respect for each other. We so easily forget how much the person means/meant to us. We say things, we do things that can have everlasting effect, a lifetime of damage. It can become a handicap, crippling our relationships when they could be healthy had we kept our big mouths shut. Day to day living masks the profound effect our words may have had on each other, the good, the bad and the ugly.

"Tomorrow is not promised."

My first husband is gone. He died in 1989, complications of Hepatitis C. He was my very best friend until I began to take him for granted. I grew tired of him. I felt I'd grown past him and simply tossed him out, just like that assembly line gadget I mentioned before.

Husband #2 was not my best friend. It was an extremely stormy relationship, to put it mildly. He was very abusive and I was too sick, mentally and physically to do anything about it for 19 plus years.

How sick was this marriage, you ask? Well, I shot him the first year we were together. He'd beat me beyond recognition and went to jail. Two weeks later he was released and showed up at my door angrier than before because I'd had the gall to have him thrown in jail for what he'd done to me. It got real ugly, real quick, in a hurry.

Long story short, I shot him point blank in the stomach with a .22 Long Rifle. He would've died had it not been for the fact that we were 4 minutes away from one of the best Trauma Centers in the Nation.

You can only imagine how messed up he was but he checked himself out of the ICU, staples, from sternum to groin, hitched a ride and showed up at my door. Now, if that's not the sickest, most twisted relationship there never/ever was, well, I don't know what is. But even worse, I stayed in that marriage for 19 long years. And yet...I loved him.

Yes, husband #2 OD'd and died April 28, 2010. I've yet to cry. Don't get me wrong, it hurts me. It's a pain, a deep wailing inside, insidious and cruel. I don't know what to feel.

The point is that in both instances, with both men there are so many things I wish I'd said and done. But it's far too late and I can never get that back.

Concerning your parents, it's high time they sit down and hash this out just as you would any business deal or contract. After all, that's basically where they're at; it's all business and no pleasure.

I suggest that you take them both aside separately and get them to agree to a sit down. Tell them to do their homework and write down their issues. Bring it to the table and get it all out.

You'll have to establish some ground rules such as fighting fair and the reminder that nothing is accomplished as it stands. I mean, after all, anger is a ruthless killer. It is selfish, destructive and it only serves to eat ones self alive.

A gentle nudge in the direction of respect on both parties behalf is the most important rule for this business meeting. You might also remind them that they'll be NO shouting, cursing or pointing of the finger, much less flipping it.

Then, you sit them down and explain to them that you are over their game. Life's too short for the dumb sh*t and although they each feel they have valid issues, the way they are going about it all is getting them no where fast.

As well, I suggest that you read this letter to them as the opening act. I think they need to re-evaluate their individual parts played in this marriage. Please ask them if they forgot that a marriage is always a give and take situation but one that must be worked on all the time, every day, every second.

The chief issue here, no matter what they really think it is, you know when it comes to their grievances in a list form is the fact that they do not respect each other. And until such time as they realize this with a mind set that they will make a conscience effort to uphold the respect factor, nothing and I do mean nothing will ever work.

They've got to hash this out, then wipe the slate clean. They've got to agree to disagree but in a a fair manner. They also need to be reminded that a house divided will most assuredly fall.

A marriage is work, not doubt about it. Did they just get lazy? Did they just decide one morning that they'd no longer be willing to be friends? Did they each look in the mirror one fine morn and say to themselves, "Well, I'm over this?"

Yes, Torn In Two, sit them down and have them get it all out, say what needs to be said, exactly how they feel, hopefully in a fair manner. Then, let's pray that they'll consider it a "Do Over," and get on with their marriage.

I'm hoping they'll remember the fact that their days are numbered, not in a morbid, death is upon us sense but in the pleasance to realize what life would, could, may be without the other in it.

And again, let's pray that they'll come to an understanding that they need each other as they are a well oiled machine that has been neglected and allowed to sit and rust.

Most importantly, you need to remind them that time isn’t marching on—it’s running out!


Keeping It Real,

Aunt B



Further Reading

Grieving on The Installment Plan

Lyrics | Why Do We Always Hurt The Ones We Love lyrics

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The Respect Factor

Dear Aunt B,

A couple of years ago I wrote to you when my husband asked me not to wear my ring and watch in front of his ex-wife at a wedding we attended. You summed up the situation so well and gave me some great advice. I shared your response with him, and he agreed with everything you said. You have the ability to read between the lines, and I highly value your input so here goes…

My husband is a physician who retired from the military last year and we opened a private solo-practice. I am the receptionist, assistant, office cleaner, personal secretary, etc…I do it all. Next door to our office is a café and we are friendly with the owners. This morning I picked up a cappuccino for my husband. It was not good at all. He was going keep it because of our friendship with the café owners. I took it upon myself to return it, as I knew they would want to make it right. When I returned to the office my husband was on the phone. I set the cup on his desk and it tipped over spilling coffee on his keyboard and papers. He calmly finished his call while I dried off the keyboard with a paper towel. When he finished the call he took the keyboard out of my hands and was going to throw it away. He was angry and said to cancel all of his appointments for the day and to get out of his life. I urged him not to throw the keyboard away unless it was ruined. I would deal with his remarks when he cooled off. While I was standing by the sink he threw the full cup of coffee in it making another mess for me to clean up. Being the peacemaker and people pleaser that I am, I apologized for spilling the coffee and told him that I felt he over-reacted and wondered if there was something else going on in his life. He paused and said the he feels that I have been cool to him lately.

I admit that there is some truth to that because I am afraid to open my mouth around him lately because he criticizes much of what I say. The other day we had a dinner party. While I stayed home and cleaned and prepared for the dinner he spent the day at the office and went into town. The house looked great, and the first thing he said when he walked in was “there is dog hair on the floor.” This morning he found my glove in the driveway and that irritated him. I admit that I am not perfect and I do make mistakes, but I feel that he over-reacts when I mess up.

He recently insisted that I take over his iphone when he bought the newest version for himself. I should have declined because last year he gave me an iphone and I immediately gave it back because while I was checking my email he took it out of my hands and threw it on the floor. So here we go again…now I use it to check my email, look at the weather, and check FaceBook. He feels that I look at FaceBook too much and asked me not to look at it in front of him. In the meantime, he is on his iphone daily checking his email and looking things up. When we go out to eat he looks at it. One night after we went to bed he turned on the lights to check his phone. Once in a while he will ask me to see what his son and daughter-in-law have posted on FaceBook, or he will ask me to post a picture of our dog on it.

On Christmas morning I was returning a text message to my son to say I would call him later. That irritated him so much that he left the house and went to his office for a couple of hours without eating the special breakfast that I had planned. He refused to open his Christmas presents too. We had accepted a Christmas dinner invitation with friends and he told me to cancel. I urged him to go and he reluctantly agreed. I was an emotional wreck, but pulled it together. He was silent in the car on the way to and from our friend’s house. While we were there my husband was the life of the party and you would not have known that he was upset with his wife.

So you can see I am dealing with a challenging and controlling man. I don’t know what to do. It seems his philosophy is do as I say, not as I do. Any thoughts?

Your friend

Dear Old Friend,

It's certainly nice to hear from you again. And I especially enjoy such complimentary words from you, I duly appreciate them. I'm sorry to hear you're having problems though.

Yes, it sounds like all would be well if the good Doctor could just be reasonable, huh? I mean he's been behaving like a tyrant and actually quite unappreciative. The situation is one of those things where you don't miss the water till the well runs dry. And I foresee big problems on the horizon.

I identify with your behaviors, i.e. doing all you can do to further "The Practice", being the peacemaker, basically putting your feelings aside in order to make things work. But for real, when it's all said and done, when you're sitting in retirement or whatever, who the hell'd want to have been a Martyr all their life? Now, do not take this commentary to heart and try to laugh with me on this.

In my marriage, I did everything I could possibly do to make my partner shine. He's a drummer, like myself and shine he did especially when he played concerts, etc. His hair was cut/styled, his clothing was clean and pressed, hell, even his toe nails were pedicured perfectly because of me. All the while, I bitched and moaned to myself because he did not appreciate it.

In Psychology, they have a term, you may be familiar with called "Passive-Aggressive" behavior. But in Psychology it means a completely different thing than what I use it for. A colloquial "Babzism", I use passive-aggressive to describe my very own behavior.

The best scenario I can think of, off the top of my head is I allowed my husband to do or get away with something, over and over again such as tickling me. Now, I simply hate to be tickled, LOATH it with a capital "L." Of course, when you are being tickled you tend to laugh, right? One particular day, he tickled me to the point of tears. He then seemed angry at me because I had the nerve to cry about it like a "whiny baby."

At that point in our marriage, probably 5 to 6 years into it, he'd tickled me countless times and I hated every frigin minute of it. Well, I never told him to stop entirely, I really never said anything in the form of stating that I didn't like it either. On this day though, I'd had enough and when he started mocking my tears, I jumped up, in his face and growled, through my teeth, (something I'm famous for) that if he ever tickled me again, "I'll cut your balls off and shove them down your fucking throat." And he knew I meant every word!!

For real though, who's fault is it that I endured being tickled all those years when I so genuinely despised it? That's just a rough illustration and the point is that I'd put up with something again and again until I exploded. When it's all said and done, it's hardly fair to anyone if you allow a behavior to continue unchecked and an incident causes you to detonate.

I tend to be long winded but the point is fairly simple; It's time for you to begin to call your husband on his less than gracious behavior. Now I know that you are not confrontational and you'd rather bite your tongue than start an argument. The problem brewing here is that these things tend to build up until we can't see what started it, what kept it going or how we arrived at the Lawyers office asking them to draw up Divorce papers.

The other thing to consider is the very true fact that "We all deserve to be happy. Not at others expense nor theirs at yours." It's detrimental that you begin to assert what you will or will not tolerate. I am rather fond of my own quote, "While it's very important for people to know what we stand for, it's imperative for them to know what we will not stand for." G-Friend, you must begin to work on ridding yourself of the martyr mentality, gracefully.

Again, I realize you are not argumentative. Knowing this, we'll approach this strategically. My advice would be to assert your feelings into the mix at every juncture. You might let him know how you feel in a note left tactically, let's say, maybe in the bathroom. When the coffee incident happened, you might wait a bit for things to calm and write...

"When you go off on me because of a certain and simple mishap, accident or otherwise, I feel it is unfair, uncaring and hurtful."

This is just an example in the vein I'd hope you'd use. It all comes down to tactfully, stating your needs, wants, dislikes, feelings and emotion. Your approach should be respectful as well as direct. If you continue to allow this behavior, I guaran damn tee ya, he'll keep it up. He's also not a mind reader either so you need to make him aware of how this all makes you feel.

The most important aspect of all this is to begin to put things into perspective for him. He really needs to try on your high heels for a change. It's the good old and proverbial, "Put the shoe on the other foot," approach. And I would begin, as I said by writing these little notes shortly after each and every incident.

The Respect Factor

You said something quite profound, in the latter part of your question that made me really think. In your letter to me, you were speaking about the two of you had accepted a Christmas dinner invite. You did not converse on the way there but he was the life of the party. Now, I wish I knew how he behaved towards you afterward. You know, did he loosen up, was he in a better mood, yada yada yada?

Anywho, the thing I want you to notice is how your husband is able to turn it on and turn it off. I'm speaking of The Respect Factor. He turns it off in his dealings with you. He turns it on , I'm assuming (and betting on), with his friends, patients, colleagues. Now, ask yourself, why is this?

Your husband does not respect you as he should. This is plain and simple. Did he ever? I do not know. Did he lose his respect for you? I can't answer that either. One thing is crystal clear though and allow me to make my point here;

He knows how to turn it on and off. He knows that if he does not show respect in his profession, he'll lose patients. He knows that if he does not show respect to his colleagues, he will lose their respect. He knows that if he does not show respect to his friends, he will not keep those friends for very long. On & Off, like a light switch.

Let me say that I do believe that a good woman is good to her husband. And without sounding redundant, a good man takes note of a good woman. He does not take her for granted, he does not treat her less than or with a lack of due respect and that's basically what's going on here.

Our Darling Doctor simply needs a refresher course in the importance of treating his wife as his equal/partner, not his minion. And it's paramount that he might realize the importance of a loyal and loving wife, never taking it for granted, never forgetting her feelings are as valuable as any others.

I'm praying for your marriage as I do value the sanctity of your union. You may not have the same understanding of Spiritual matters as I do? I'm hoping that you do. Having said this, I am a firm believer, first in the power of prayer and I suggest that you pray for your marriage and for your husbands ears to be opened and his heart, warmed with comprehension.

Secondly, well, hubby may not have received the "Memo." Husbandry has come a long way but at the same time, many inherited beliefs as well as behaviors have been passed down, mother to son, father to son which inherently dictate what our men believe.

I am not one of those women, "I am woman, hear me roar,"and in fact may be guilty of some old thinking, age old. At the same time, what I've learned in my years on this earth is part observance, part learned behavior and part biblical fact.

What I'm actually getting at is that God made woman not in subservience but to enhance our husband. The differences, both physical as well as mental are assigned in accordance with what is best suited in a partnership. One example of this is that women are given the gift/art of intuition where as most men do not have this. What may be obvious to us is buried for many men. Thus, they need us to whisper in their ear what we may see that they do not.

I could go on and on as to the importance of this union, this partnership but suffice it to say it is your divine destiny to be married to this man (God given). My suggestion is to continue to work on it, do whatever it takes to make it work but do not allow it to go on as it has.

I think it's a wonderful thing that you care enough to have written, that you love your husband enough to pull out all the stops and hopefully you'll use all the tools you can find to make it work...smoothly.



My prescription for hubby...

Rx: Check yourself q.i.d. for Spousal Respect Factor Awareness

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

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A Good Reason

Dear Aunt Babz,


Of lately everything that could go wrong has.. Ranging from a love triangle between my parents and another partner to the demise of what is supposed to be one of the happiest of moments. As of now I’m 18 years old still in high school and I got a great job at a dental tech lab. I also have a wonderful fiancée who is just as stressed as I am.

To start from the beginning of the mess, lets begin with me parents. There has been a very strange relationship between my mom and step dad and my moms partner Vickie. It seems almost every three months my mom switches around who she wants to be with and results in repacking what I just unpacked and move. So far we have moved between 2 houses at least 6 times. Because of this there has been a sense of insecurity always with me not knowing were im going to be sleeping the next day. I cant move out due to the fact im in school and because i don’t want to leave my mother do to the fact that she is for the most part blind. She has a eye disease called stargarts which is the deterioration of the retinas in your eyes. I feel trapped obligated to take care of her. Don’t take me wrong I love my mother its just I want to live my own life.

To add on to things my fiancé’s parents did a complete 180 on what the told me…

In a way im am partial to tradition so I asked Kelly’s parents for there blessing which they did give me along with the talk. But when the time came around in which I asked Kelly her parents flip flopped on us and gave the exact opposite reaction we were expecting. Both and me and Kelly were hurt by this and have no clue why they reacted so. I know we are still young but we have been best friends for 5 years and together for 2 years and in my opinion she is the one. A lot of people say we are to young but 9 times out of ten so were they including Kelly’s parents. All I wanted was for them to be happy for us but that doesn’t likely to happen. We even told them we were going to wait a year after high school to get more established but that wasn’t good enough.., they wanted us to wait three.

Also her parents control her life and what she does 9/10 out of the time and give her little independence. I keep on trying to get her to spread her wings but they are bounded by her parents controlling influence.

I am very sorry that this is most likely a wii bit scattered but any advice on these problems would mean the world to me and and Kelly.

Sincerely,

Tyler



Dear Tyler,

I consider it a gift, this thing I have? I prefer to call it, "The Art of Intuitiveness." I wish like hell I'd paid attention to it, through out my life but more often than not, I didn't listen.

I can look back and see that in every instance where I did a dumb thing, took the wrong turn, made the wrong choice, I was told not to do it. Of course, I did it anyway.

We live, we learn and then hopefully, we laugh like hell about it. You have the gift as well, did you not know? You must learn to listen, fine tune it, reign it in and begin to use it to your advantage. My gut instinct, what came to mind as I read your letter, were the words,

"All things happen, in your life, for a reason.
A Good Reason."

It would serve you, all the days of your life, if you remember those words. Now, I'm quite sure your dilemma does not sit well with you, especially concerning the fact that you tried to do everything by the book, so to speak, only to be shot down. It's liable to be frustrating, I would imagine?

Patience is certainly not a virtue in youth. For that matter, it is rare for most people to have patience, no matter the age. But I can only recommend that you find this virtue and remember that it won't be long and you'll be on your own. Or at least you'll be of age and can make your own choices.

It's easier said than done but if I were you I'd begin to concentrate on your short term goals, for the moment. Leave the long term goals alone, come what may.

I think it's an honorable position for you to want to make Kelly your wife. I do believe because you did do everything right, by going to her parents and asking for her hand in marriage, it must have stung, even harder when they changed their position, right?

I think what I am trying to say, is to simply re-think your strategy. Once you graduate, in possibly, a few short months, you might re-approach things.

For now, as I stated before, look at the short term goals; Graduation etc. If you are going to stay at your present employer, as in, is this going to be your main source of income then you must ask yourself, if this will sustain you, can you make a living in this position.

Whether you realize it or not, time is on your side. Use this time wisely to scope out a plan of attack, for better words. What I am referring to is the fact that if you were to marry this lovely girl tomorrow, where will you both live? In this present position, do you make enough or will you, given the opportunity of full time employment as/at the dental tech lab?

Again, time is on your side and this will afford you to take things slowly. I do realize that you love her so much and want to plan out the rest of your lives together. But you also want to do it right. Why do you say this Aunt B?

Well, it's a fact that those that rush into marriage or the ones that are thrown into the situation because of, perhaps, pregnancy, well, the divorce statistics speak for themselves. Now, I know you don't/can't foresee this every happening to you especially because you love her so very much. But shit happens and two people often grow apart. The chief reason that most people fight is, believe it or not; Money.

Now, I know for a fact that you, Mr. Tyler are rather intelligent and for the most part, you have thought this thing through. I don't assume that you've not played the tape out, "This is Your Life," from beginning to end. But when I say that time is on your side, the approach I want you to take is for a good reason; I want you to be afforded every advantage, no surprises and the makings of a wonderful life.

By planning things out, you will be on top of the program and better equipped to deal with those calamities. And they will come, I guaran damn tee ya. But this approach I am speaking of is going to work to your advantage. It's just a matter of how you perceive things.

Take back, even if it's in your own mind, control of your life. It really is a perspective, an exercise in empowerment to say to yourself, "Well OK, they told us to wait and I will use this to my advantage." See, let go of being pissed off about it or being angry at your situation. By the way, your situation, the way your home life has unfolded, will steel you for your future. Yes, it all is happening for a good reason!

See, the strategy I am looking at is you have to realize the "what if's," of your future situation. What if Kelly gets pregnant? Even if you are not planning a pregnancy, even with birth control or a condom, accidents happen. This changes the variables tremendously and you must be ready.

The hardest thing, in this life, is to find out that your partner, who you thought you knew, does not handle, very well, the slaps that life hands out. You must calculate the unforeseen, the element of unknown, the monkey wrench in the works.

I know you want it all to happen right here, right now. Good grief, you love Kelly so much that every minute apart is painful. She feels the same way about you, you are her best friend, which by the way is the best thing you've got going for you.

Just for the record, the longest lasting relationships are/were ones where the couple were friends first. Where they planned out their future,

There is a longer list for the least lasting relationships.
That list goes on and on, primarily starting with situations where money issues were prevalent, it being the number one reason for break-ups and divorce. I believe the next might be where two people, so in love, they tested the waters, had sex, got pregnant only to find they weren't ready for that responsibility. The strain of it all led to constant fighting which ultimately led to the break-up. I mean, it's a huge responsibility to, not only pay for a pregnancy and raise a child but to do it without fighting is extremely difficult.

Fighting fair is important as well. When the shit hits the fan and times are tough, couples often tend to blame each other and so on. But if you can not fight fair and say things that hit below the belt, quite often irreprehensible damages come along. A vicious circle then becomes evident causing the couple to call it quits. It's too far gone, there's too much pain, it just can't be repaired.

And I don't want all this to happen to you, Tyler. So, take this time to plan it all out so you and Kelly have the best possible chance of living the good life. If you can remember my words, "that all things happen for a reason," you will begin to see the truth unfold, right in front of your eyes!

I wish you both the very best life has to offer...

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Genuine Savoir-Faire

Adult Content Warning

Dear Aunt B,

I'm 19, and I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years.we moved out into our own apartment to start college this year. He let himself get kind of chunky, and we're more like buddies these days. Sex has dried up. We both still REALLY love each other. I want to make this work because I can't imagine leaving him. I always thought I'd marry him one day, but I'm scared that I'll trap myself into a sexless marriage. I never want to have sex. I think it's because I'm not into him like that. I've been afraid that I fell out of love with him, but that's not the case at all. We're still so much closer then just friends. We're a couple, we just aren't romantic. We've talked about it. He's trying to slim down. but I'm afraid that it's not the only issue. I feel almost platonic towards him. He's such a sweet guy for not being upset with me over this. Any advice?


Dear Reader,

You two are already like an old married couple, you just don't have the official papers to prove it. See, this could have happened to you, even if you had married him. It happens to so many couples, every day, all the time.

Even though you are not married, you are living as man and wife, going through all the motions and emotions of a married couple. Thus, I will address it as such, hopefully you might separate the two. Get my drift?

In a past and present tense, you mentioned that you might marry him one day. Even if you never marry this fella, you might take these words and apply it.

Marriage is a two way street, a business contract, if you will, a piece of paper and nothing more...unless...you utter the words, your vows to each other, with meaning, held close to your heart. More importantly is the realization that marriage is something that must be worked on, a constant circle of effort.

The wedding band should serve to remind you, not only of the circular, infinite, never ending love but also that never ending need for effort in making things work. After all, love, marriage, as well as life in general is all a matter of perspective, it is what we make it, what we choose to make it and how we choose to perceive it.

Words are words and just as you might tell someone that you "love them," if you don't mean it completely, they are more or less meaningless words. Also, of course, there are varying degrees and emotion attached to words. Only you might know the degree or value of those words.

I actually think it's a good thing that you question the validity of your relationship. While sex should never be the entirety of or a basis for complete balance in any relationship, I do think it's important to be attracted to your partner.

I like the fact that you two are friends because, if you ask me, the very best of relationships, the ones that last the longest were based upon friendship first. The next important factor, one I'd like you to take notice of, is the word surrounded in and of "Affection," or "Affectionate Behavior."

Long after sex, or the sexual act is gone, in a marriage, hopefully the affection still exists. Affection in my mind is a simple touch, holding of hands, a quick swat on the backside...a word so full of emotion it can hardly be contained or described. The question here becomes;

Do you both have affection for each other? Is your relationship an affectionate one?

It's certainly important to this situation, just how you answered those two questions. Sex is not as important, in my opinion, as is affection, your sense of endearment for one another. But the fact remains, that for you, sex is an important issue, so we must look at it and your situation.

I only have what you have written to go on. I can see that personal appearance is a chief attribute to how you see your mate as well as your sexual attraction. I would say you are statistically sound in your feelings as the vast majority of people are first sexually attracted to appearance rather than personality. You are not alone.

I'd hope you've noticed an effort on your boyfriends part to slim down in order to please you. I certainly hope you will see that effort and make your own efforts to please him by possibly examining your feelings. Again, you are not alone as millions of women suffer from the same dilemma.

As I mentioned before, marriage/relationships are a two way street. They take effort on the part of both of you. It's a conscience effort to please each other. But it's essential to note that sex should never be considered a chore or done simply out of, what we used to call, "the wifely duties." How gross is that, hah?

I would like you to examine a few things, consider a few elements of what makes you tick. Between just you and I, I'll ask this simple question, "Are you ever sexually attracted," meaning does anybody else trip your trigger? I ask this because I do believe there are times in a girls life where her hormones or lack thereof can cause a lack of sexual urge. Medications as well as birth control can change and alter those urges. Look at all these possibilities before you write this situation off as a mere lack of attraction.

Good sex between couples, takes a combination of feelings, emotion as well as attraction. It takes more than just desire. But just as marriage takes that conscience effort, so too does it take effort to please your partner.

Quite often, women can not orgasm without the extra help/clitoral stimulation. More often than not, we fake an orgasm because we don't want to hurt our partners feelings. Sad but true!

Somewhere along the lines, through the years, instead of addressing the situation/scenario we simply looked the other way and we accepted the inevitable; An orgasmic less existence.

The crux of the matter is to boldly go where few men have gone before; Tell your lover your little secret...or...hint at your need for clitoral stimulation. (Try buying a vibrator. Use it him first maybe during copulation, then it may not be perceived as a threat. Then, allow him to use it on you, bada bing bada boom)

"Experts report approximately a third of women have an orgasm through vaginal penetration."

Source: Dr. Sandra R. Scantling

If you get no pleasure from your sexual relationship, it certainly becomes a chore. Yuk! Besides a bit of intimacy, the knowledge that your partner is pleased and you've done your duty...all work and no play makes you a dull and displeased girl.

My advice to you, is not to give in or give up but to make an effort at changing the outcome of all this. In my humble opinion, you two are made for each other, soulmates, it's meant to be. It just needs a little tweaking, a tad bit of TLC and a big swatch of genuine savoir-faire.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz



Dear Reader,

Possibly try working on the sexual aspect of your relationship. Take a day devoted only to working on your levels of intimacy. Make sure it's as stress free as possible. Let it come to you without the emphasis being, "Oh, we're going to have sex tonight," but simply allow it to happen. If you want it to work, you have to work on it.

Maybe, you could both write down why you'd want to have sex, looking at the good reasons for it. The pro's and con's of it. If it's not hurtful, exchange notes with each other as to why you DO NOT want to have sex, i.e. "I feel this way" or "that way" which prevents me from wanting to have sex. Be mindful of each others feelings before you might exchange these thoughts. If they might hurt your mate, look at whether or not your feelings are actually true or valid, fair or unfair?

Make a list of what it is that you are attracted to, about each other, i.e., "your smile" or maybe, "your laughter" or possibly, "the considerate things you do for me." So it's a positive aspect of looking at your relationship, share these good feelings with one another.

It's always a good thing to share the positive parts of your relationship, never assuming that your partner already knows how you feel. After sharing this bit of positive feedback, you just might find yourself remembering what it was in the first place, which attracted you to one another. Next thing you know...you're doing the "Horizontal Mambo."

Hoping To Help,

Halena

adult-content-warning

Tame the Blame & Shame Game

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt Babz,

My husband has been divorced for six years. We will be married 3

years this month, second marriage for both of us. I have never met

his ex-wife as we life in different states. In three weeks we will

be attending a wedding and my husband's ex-wife will be there. Last

week my husband mentioned that he does not want me to wear my diamond

ring or the expensive watch that he gave me as a gift. He said that

it might hurt her feelings if she saw them. I agreed to his request

as I have the "disease to please" and didn't want to disappoint him.

After thinking about it his possible motives for asking this of me

are more disturbing than the thought of not wearing the watch and

ring. I have been having an inter-dialogue with myself constantly

about his request. I guess you could call it obsessing. I go back

and forth to being outraged that he would bring this up, to "do I

want to be right, or do I want to be happy?" I haven't made an issue

about this and I'm wondering if I should after agreeing to it in the

first place.

Two years ago he had Thanksgiving dinner with his ex-wife and her

parents. Weeks before the dinner she asked my husband to pretend that

they were still married. She said that since her parents are elderly

she didn't think they would cope well with her divorce. She kept

this charade up until a few months ago when she finally told them.

They were ok with it and totally supportive. This makes me believe

that she used her parents as the excuse for not telling them about

her divorce because she couldn't handle it. It was all about her,

not them. And my husband willingly went along with it.

My husband assures me that he does not have feelings for her, and

that he loves me, but he still caters to her stupid requests and is

proactive in protecting her feelings. I think he feels guilty about

asking her for a divorce, and his motivation is driven by guilt. He

has made his problem my problem.

Should I be concerned about my husband's need to protect his ex-

wife's feelings? What is wrong with me? Why do I go along with the

manipulation and charades?

Your valued opinion would be greatly appreciated.

Dear Friend,

Well, right from Jump St., I'll tell you, it wouldn't sit well with me either. None of it.

While flaunting expensive jewelry is distasteful, in the first place, I guess it's the principal behind it. Being kind and considerate, amicable and caring, towards his ex, is one thing, hiding the celebration of your love, is another story. Is it possible that he has over looked that the gift, you received from him, was just that;
A celebration, a sign of his deep love, devotion and affection for you?

There are always two sides to every coin. There are three sides to every story too; Yours, His and the Facts The facts in this case, show that he has, for whatever reason, not moved on, in the sense that he stands against the world, that you two are married, happy and his past is just that; His Past.

I think it's time to take that old Duct Tape, off his old marriage. Yes, that good ol' 90 mph tape has held him in place, even if he didn't realize it. I don't get the feeling that he does this with animosity. No, in fact, I think your hubby, is a pretty nice guy. I also feel his ex wife, takes advantage of his good nature and plays him. Then, if you say anything about it, you'd feel guilty, possessive, needy, jealous and I could go on but I think you get the point, right?

My suggestion, first and foremost, is that you have him read this...

How would he feel if your ex husband, required the same from you? How would he feel, if you asked him to let you go, to dinner, on a major holiday, with your ex husband? How would he feel, if you spent Thanksgiving, playing the loving married couple, with your ex? How would he feel, if you asked him to pretend, that a trinket, a sign of your love, should not be worn, in front of your ex, cause dammit, what would he think? What? He might get the impression, that you love him more than you loved your ex?

I'm sorry but I think he's asked a little too much and been a little too accommodating, in respect to his ex wife. In all due reality, what she thinks should not matter and in all due respect, I'd want her to know that you are both happy, loved and care enough to give of that love.

Yes, it comes down to the principle of the matter. The heart of the matter is the affairs of the heart and he has got to look in the mirror and ask himself, if the shoe was on the other foot, how would he feel? He has not been fair to you and it is not fair of him, to ask you to not show that expression of love, for the sake of his ex wife. I have one question; Really, why do you care what she thinks? Take that duct tape off and step into your marriage, your current marriage. Stand up to her, hubby and be the husband, you were meant to be, with your wife. I doubt your vows, spoken, hopefully in truth and love, said to always love, honor and obey, your ex wife, now did they?

Have your husband read this. I know as a man, he may not care for you bringing your business elsewhere? But I do not know you, nor will I ever know you. No harm, no foul. This actually pisses me off, I can't pretend it doesn't and I only have one question for your husband;

How long will you allow yourself, to be held hostage, duct taped to your ex wife, before you wake up and realize that she knows what she's doing and does it for a reason. It's time to play the, "Tame the Blame and Shame Game." Let her go, let yourself, truly commit to your wife and be a true husband, heart and soul. Never expect from your wife, what you would not be willing to do yourself. It's time to let go of the guilt, your ex so fondly throws in your lap.

I'd want to wear the ring and watch proudly. Is he ashamed of your love? It's high time, to play to win. Now, just for shitz -n-giggles, wear matching t-shirts.
(Just kidding)

Wrinkles And All

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Dear Aunt B,

I don’t know how to explain my situation but I will try to give you an idea. I thought we had a perfect marriage, we never had a fight or even a serious argument in the past eight years of our marriage. Our problem started two years ago, my mother in law was diagnosed with breast cancer. This was combined with some problems at work which I think made my wife feel a little bit lonely and depressed. With my mother in Law's illness the whole family went into turmoil. For my wife the word cancer just makes her depressed, Cancer has claimed a number of her family members. Her father died of cancer when she was only 15 years old and her uncle and grandfather died of cancer. My wife took the full responsibility of staying with her mother during her mother's treatment away from me and our children.


During this period or may be slightly before, my wife developed a relationship with a person she has met while dropping the children to school. She started calling this person on almost a daily basis and during my business trips she will take the opportunity to have long conversations with him. I have discovered this relationship and she first denied her calls and latter she has admitted her relationship. My wife told me that the relationship started because she needed a friend to talk to and she was just speaking about her mother illness. She assured me that there weren’t any sexual relationship and it was just friendly. Our marriage was at risk for me not because of the relationship but because of her not being honest with me. I told her that honesty is key to our marriage and she has betrayed me by not admitting to this relationship.

After a few months of “separation” she has assured me that she was sorry and this person doesn’t mean anything to her. Things were not the same anymore, I always thought of her relationship with this person. And became more suspicious, whenever she speaks on the phone or she gets an sms on the phone I will always think it is from this person. But I was always trying to show that things are ok and was trying to work to suppress my feelings. She stopped contacting this person for a while but after some time this person tried contacting my wife and she called him to inform him not to call her any more and just to leave her alone. She never told me of this incident and when I have asked her if she spoke to him recently she denied it. Later she admitted what happened and again she was sorry and afraid that any contact with this person will jeopardize our marriage. And that is why she didn’t want to tell me. Although it is not a serious incident again, but I was upset because she didn’t tell me immediately of this person trying to contact her. This incident made me even more suspicious, I started looking at her phone whenever I can always thinking of what happened. I told her after awhile that I was loosing my mind and I was always trying to check her phone and I wasn’t getting over of what has happened. She always assured me that this person didn’t mean anything to her. She was lonely during her mother's treatment and she didn’t know why she started speaking to him but he was always listening to her problems. I thought a good vacation with the kids will make us forget this bad chapter in our relationship and we will try to renew our marriage. Things were going smooth, and I was slowly forgetting everything.


Recently I have discovered that she was searching for this person on a web site specialized for finding friends and school mates. This time I was furious, when I confronted her she admitted to this and she me, told she was stupid to look for him. I stopped speaking to her and I recently informed her that I am tired of her games and I don’t really care for her anymore. I don’t know what to do now? She is currently away. She told me to forgive her it was a stupid thing she did and doesn’t deserve any reaction from me. For me it is a matter of principle and it quickly brought to me the old bad feelings. I told her I will not forgive her, but it is up to her to prove to me that she deserves my trust again. I will not forgive her and I don’t know when I will forgive her for breaking my trust for a third time. I know searching the person name on the internet is not a serious thing, but for me I thought this person will be out of lives forever. And I don’t know why she insists on bringing him back. Please advise me on what to do and if I am over reacting?. For me I am a business man and I travel a lot, I can’t continue looking through her phone bills and checking her phone. Trust is a pillar to any marriage and I have never betrayed her which makes my hurting even greater and my forgiveness harder to gain. We are not speaking together at the moment and she is away and shall be back in few days and I don’t know how to deal with the situation. I don’t know who to consult and you seem that you have seen and experienced so many incidents in your lifetime. For me it is very strange to write to a stranger, but this seems to be easier than speaking to my own family. At the moment we are putting a nice show to both our families that our marriage is healthy but I can’t tolerate this situation any more? Please help?

Please treat this matter with confidentiality.

Thank you for your help.

Anonymous

Man with a Broken Heart



Dear Broken Heart,

I really feel for you. Oddly enough, I too experienced betrayal and know how that feels. My situation was different of course, as he out and out fooled around on me. It was in the very beginning of our relationship and no we weren't married but we were living in sin, I mean living together, lol! But when a man/woman is telling you that they love you, sleeping in your bed every night, it's a marriage.

Betrayal is betrayal and it stings no matter who it is. She betrayed you and your trust. I can see that trust is a big issue for you, as well. It is my biggest issue in a relationship, too. If you don't have it, you are in serious trouble.

I am not trying to incite you but it almost pulled me under too and I almost lost my mind. It brought out a jealous and possessive, untrusting side, well, I never want to be that person again. I was digging through his car and checking the phone and watching his every move, questioning his behaviors and I even thought he was sneaking out at night, after I'd gone to bed. I would check the windows and I was an obsessed mess. That was partly, my fault because I allowed him to make me crazy. Of course, I should have kicked him to the curb but it was a Fatal Attraction. It was never a healthy relationship. This man was abusive as well and I never trusted his emotions, even long after the physical abuse had stopped.

My point is, that once you have been betrayed, on any level, not once, not twice but three times, it is hard to trust her emotions, even if she is sincere. What she did, was wrong and you need only to spin the perspective. How would she have liked it, if she'd found out, that you were doing the same thing. Appearance doesn't make or break the situation but what if you were chatting it up with some really pretty girl? If she found out, I'll bet she'd go ballistic. She catches you and you say you'll stop talking to her, for the sake of the marriage. But for whatever reason or your supposed "need to end it", you were not honest and you did not tell her about that conversation, she'd want your balls, on a platter. But then, she finds out, you are looking for this woman, on the internet. Well, suffice it to say, she is not going to believe you or any word that comes out of your mouth.

Now, I'm gonna go gansta here. I am going to be very blunt and I set this up, for a reason. I am an extremely caring person. I am empathic and compassionate but I am going to speak the truth here;
I don't care what circumstance it was or is, she was wrong. I do not care what problems she had or has, she is wrong. I know Cancer is a terrible thing. My own Father died from Cancer but that does not give me license to chat up some guy.

I think you were more than understanding and tried very hard, not to behave like a jealous husband. But I think this problem may go much deeper, than the fact that she needed to talk to somebody, anybody because of her situation.

Now, I am not a marriage counselor and will admit it is not my specialty. You may need counseling and it's a good possibility that it could improve and save your marriage.

But you wrote to me and I will give my opinion because you asked me to.

In order for you to heal from this, you must be able to forgive her, right? But she must also be or admit to her wrong doing and I don't mean just saying the words. She must realize that she had no business even talking to this guy on such an intimate level. She must also realize, just how badly, she has hurt you. She has to know, that you feel betrayed. Before she can truly be remorseful, she must truly understand the nature of her crime against you.

It has taken me years to get to the point where I believe that we must do our damnedest to save our marriages. I am a firm believer that God frowns upon those who just jump ship, only to climb aboard another. It is not to say, that in some instances, it is just about the only answer but we must first do, whatever it takes to work it out.

In this case, I think you need to put things into perspective. She needs to understand that it is not your fault that she felt the need to run, proverbially, to another man for comfort, in a trying time. She needs to understand that , you are not a mind reader and if she needs to be comforted, you are always there for her, whether you are there physically or not. She needs to understand that you are not buying her supposed need for comfort in a trying time. That was only a lie, she told herself and you. She needs to understand just how devastating her actions were and you must project, just exactly how she would feel, if you had done the same damn thing, to her.

How would she like to find out, all along, you've been too friendly with a gal and were comforted by her because you were having a hard time at your job. I would be willing to call her a liar to her face, if she told me, she wouldn't mind, you doing the same exact thing. So, let's quit using excuses and medical illnesses for a much deeper need.

Having said this, we must ask ourselves, what was her true agenda, the true nature of her behavior? Maybe, she didn't fool around but she might as well have. Yes, it's that serious and it's the principle of the whole damn mess. She may, in her mind, think, "Well, I didn't do anything," but the shoe need only, to be put on the other foot. You were not there for all the conversations and do not know what was or was not said. My mind would be running rampant with implication.

She needs to understand that even the best intentions can be misconstrued. If you did the same thing and left her to wonder, if your heart had wandered, she'd probably understand this bitter bullshit. Yes siree, you can bet your bum, we need a good ol' dose of reality and truth here. If it is to work, you must put your ego and anger aside and talk about all of you feelings. She has got to know, how it feels to be betrayed, even on this level.

OK, I'm gonna go gansta again. You are not innocent either, now are you? You have been somewhat removed and barely there. You have been going on with life, as if things would always be the same and she'd always be there. You quit working at your marriage. Marriage is much like a business deal. You have to produce and work at it or the Company folds. You almost had a hostile takeover. You almost lost your VP to another Company. That other Company was trying to recruit your best Executive.

Now, I know you love her and she knows you love her. But we all need to have it enforced and you must be productive, in entertaining her heart. See, I think, you didn't mean to, but you took her love, for granted. You may have been within ear shot of any conversation she needed to have but she didn't feel you were really there. Do you understand what I mean, when I say, you were not there?

You can be in the same room, standing beside or even in bed, making whoopie with someone but you are not there and your heart is not in it. You became detached. You didn't mean to but you both drifted apart. You took that love for granted, didn't you?

It's like this, a man can tell his wife, he loves her, a million times but they are only words. She needs to feel it in his love making, in his whisper, in her ear. She needs to see it in his eyes.

I want you to begin to try to heal from this but be more aware as a whole. I want you to take her by the hand, walk with her and ask her, really, why she felt the need to go to another man, even emotionally? Tell her you want complete honesty, from that moment on. If she wants things to work, between you two, she must always be honest.

Tell her that you are not a mind reader and if she needs to be comforted, she need only, to come to you and you will always be there for her. I think she will tell you, that she felt you were not, emotionally there, for her. You tell her, you are sorry for that and you are willing to work harder on this. She needs to know that she abused your trust and she was wrong but you want things to work. You then ask her, what does she want from your marriage? Does she want it to be a life full of lies, betrayal and half truths? A better recipe would be complete and utter truth and a willingness to make it work. She must decide, then and there, as well as you, that the both of you will do what it takes to make it work.

From that moment on, you will not rub her nose in it but she must know, that you will never be gullible again. The innocence is lost. But if she wants to work at this, the lines of communication must always be open and you both need to work at, a loving and rewarding relationship. You must both learn from this and to never take each other for granted again. Marriage is a symbol of your love and that love, should never be, anything but a priority in your lives. After all, when all hell breaks loose and people come and go, your children move away, it must be consolation, that you've worked, all your lives, not for a house and home, cars and vacations but to wake to someone who loves you, unconditionally, wrinkles and all.