~Ask Aunt B~: You're Not Promised Tomorrow

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

You're Not Promised Tomorrow

Dear Aunt B,

First Email

Hello,

I love my parents, they mean everything to me, it's been 3 weeks since

they last said a word to each other and I want them to speak again.

I've heard both sides of the story, my dad says that my mom speaks to

him as if he was inferior to her and that it seems she's lost all

respect for him. Then my mom says that my dad never helps out at home

and doesn't consider all the hard work she does. I want them to sit

down and talk to each other and stop complaining to me! How do I get

my stubborn parents to speak again or at least sit them down to talk

and resolve their issues?? I know if I ask them to sit down and talk,

they won't do it? What should I do? Please help me and thanks sooo

much! - Sincerely "Torn in 2" :(

Second Email...

Hello, and first of all I want to thank your for taking the time to read my email. I'm a 15 year old girl, that loves her parents deeply, but lately they have been having issues, that need to be resolved. My parents have not been speaking for 3 weeks. I know they had an argument, and I have heard both sides of their stories. My dad claims that my mom has lost all respect for him, and that it seems she no longer cares, while my mom says that my dad is inconsiderate when it comes to all the hard work she does at home. I know my parents love each other, but how do I get my two stubborn parents to speak again? I have told them a lot of times to talk things out, but they refuse to. What should I do to get my parents to speak again? Do you know of any plan or something to make them come together? I'm tired of this, and frankly I want them to talk things out like the civilized people they are! It hurts me to see them like this :(. I don't know what to do, please help me. I really need this, especially since father's day is coming up. Thanks soo much for taking the time to read my email.

Thank you ! ---

Sincerely "Torn In Two" :)

Dear Torn In Two,

I can see, reading between the lines that you are mature, way beyond your years. I can also see that you are a very "deep" thinker. This is a double edged sword, one you'll carry all the days of your life. It's a good and bad thing, you will see but don't ever change that about yourself.

You know, people fall in and out of love so easily, especially in this day and age. We take each other for granted as if we are each replaceable like robots or some kind of assembly line gadget we toss out with the trash.

On top of all this, we tend to treat each other horridly because God forbid we might let our guard down, let our real emotions show or even appear to be vulnerable. And no one ever wants to wrong, half wrong in any given situation where compromise is called for. It's true too that we always tend to hurt the ones we love the most.

Unfortunately, it also seems the Art of the Fight, well, it's no holds barred these days. We think nothing of hitting below the belt in our proverbial assault upon each other. Sad but true.

Words do cut like a knife. When I was with my last husband Sonny, oh my, we fought hardcore. I can remember almost wishing he'd just hit me instead of the barrage of insulting things he'd so easily fling at me. Yes, the black eye would've healed and disappeared but those words are/were forever stuck in the filing cabinet in my brain.

More often than not, we tend to "LOSE" respect for each other. We so easily forget how much the person means/meant to us. We say things, we do things that can have everlasting effect, a lifetime of damage. It can become a handicap, crippling our relationships when they could be healthy had we kept our big mouths shut. Day to day living masks the profound effect our words may have had on each other, the good, the bad and the ugly.

"Tomorrow is not promised."

My first husband is gone. He died in 1989, complications of Hepatitis C. He was my very best friend until I began to take him for granted. I grew tired of him. I felt I'd grown past him and simply tossed him out, just like that assembly line gadget I mentioned before.

Husband #2 was not my best friend. It was an extremely stormy relationship, to put it mildly. He was very abusive and I was too sick, mentally and physically to do anything about it for 19 plus years.

How sick was this marriage, you ask? Well, I shot him the first year we were together. He'd beat me beyond recognition and went to jail. Two weeks later he was released and showed up at my door angrier than before because I'd had the gall to have him thrown in jail for what he'd done to me. It got real ugly, real quick, in a hurry.

Long story short, I shot him point blank in the stomach with a .22 Long Rifle. He would've died had it not been for the fact that we were 4 minutes away from one of the best Trauma Centers in the Nation.

You can only imagine how messed up he was but he checked himself out of the ICU, staples, from sternum to groin, hitched a ride and showed up at my door. Now, if that's not the sickest, most twisted relationship there never/ever was, well, I don't know what is. But even worse, I stayed in that marriage for 19 long years. And yet...I loved him.

Yes, husband #2 OD'd and died April 28, 2010. I've yet to cry. Don't get me wrong, it hurts me. It's a pain, a deep wailing inside, insidious and cruel. I don't know what to feel.

The point is that in both instances, with both men there are so many things I wish I'd said and done. But it's far too late and I can never get that back.

Concerning your parents, it's high time they sit down and hash this out just as you would any business deal or contract. After all, that's basically where they're at; it's all business and no pleasure.

I suggest that you take them both aside separately and get them to agree to a sit down. Tell them to do their homework and write down their issues. Bring it to the table and get it all out.

You'll have to establish some ground rules such as fighting fair and the reminder that nothing is accomplished as it stands. I mean, after all, anger is a ruthless killer. It is selfish, destructive and it only serves to eat ones self alive.

A gentle nudge in the direction of respect on both parties behalf is the most important rule for this business meeting. You might also remind them that they'll be NO shouting, cursing or pointing of the finger, much less flipping it.

Then, you sit them down and explain to them that you are over their game. Life's too short for the dumb sh*t and although they each feel they have valid issues, the way they are going about it all is getting them no where fast.

As well, I suggest that you read this letter to them as the opening act. I think they need to re-evaluate their individual parts played in this marriage. Please ask them if they forgot that a marriage is always a give and take situation but one that must be worked on all the time, every day, every second.

The chief issue here, no matter what they really think it is, you know when it comes to their grievances in a list form is the fact that they do not respect each other. And until such time as they realize this with a mind set that they will make a conscience effort to uphold the respect factor, nothing and I do mean nothing will ever work.

They've got to hash this out, then wipe the slate clean. They've got to agree to disagree but in a a fair manner. They also need to be reminded that a house divided will most assuredly fall.

A marriage is work, not doubt about it. Did they just get lazy? Did they just decide one morning that they'd no longer be willing to be friends? Did they each look in the mirror one fine morn and say to themselves, "Well, I'm over this?"

Yes, Torn In Two, sit them down and have them get it all out, say what needs to be said, exactly how they feel, hopefully in a fair manner. Then, let's pray that they'll consider it a "Do Over," and get on with their marriage.

I'm hoping they'll remember the fact that their days are numbered, not in a morbid, death is upon us sense but in the pleasance to realize what life would, could, may be without the other in it.

And again, let's pray that they'll come to an understanding that they need each other as they are a well oiled machine that has been neglected and allowed to sit and rust.

Most importantly, you need to remind them that time isn’t marching on—it’s running out!

Keeping It Real,