Live, Learn & Laugh Like Hell

Dear Aunt B,

Subject: Please tell me.......

the reason to go on in life. I'm a 49 yr old woman, who lives w/ my 88 yr old father. I lost my mother 4 yrs ago to cancer. Thought I found my soul mate (online), but soon learned he just wanted to use me. I work with Down's Syndrome ladies Have been with them for 16 yrs. My title is dietary/caregiver. I'm best known as the person who brings food into the house (both at work and at home). When one of my co-workers asked a resident what she would remember me most for (if I passed on).....answer.....groceries.

As far as home life, I'm a caregiver too. My father, well....it's hard to explain......He has always been there for me. He has helped me out with some huge scrapes that I got myself into. I'll be indebted to him for the rest of my life, and I think he knows this. It's a strange relationship, not a close father and daughter one. It's mostly....I'm just here to just listen and agree.

I have animals and love them dearly. I've always wanted to work with animals and have tried through out my life. However my brains only functioned for a very short while and didn't allow me to continue. I remember my mother telling me it's my fault that I didn't get ahead. But, I think it was something else going on, something medical. I'm a complete and total failure !!!

I do miss my mom, we were like sisters. She died a brutal death from Ovarian cancer. I'll never forget the torture she went through. Nor will I ever forgive myself for being a big disappointment to her.

I'm so sick and tired of life, All that goes through my mind is what I'll be remember as. The grocery ladies, or the lady who knows where every caned item is located in the groc. store. The daughter who must always put food in front of my father in order to satisfy him. The daughter that should have spent more time in the kitchen rather then with my animals and learning about nature. Telling me my cooking skills will get better through time. Never will I be remembered as the person who dedicated her whole life to animal causes or a wonderful veterinarian who cared for all creatures. Oh, maybe as a past time, but that's all.....the rest of the time is strictly to serve people and to satisfy their ungrateful needs.

Not only will I be remembered as the food lady, I'll be remembered as the person who got involved with someone on the Internet and made a fool out of herself. Like I said, I Thought I found someone who loved me and loved animals. This person came into my life the same time my mother was diagnosed with cancer, I thought he was a gift from god to help me deal with this. He himself had suffered a stroke. This gift from god used me to support him. I should have known this all along. He also abused my little dog, so we left in a hurry and came back home to my dad.

Please......don't think I'm ungrateful....that I don't appreciate having a job or my father. I'm just tired of my life....I'm thinking that I have 40 or so more years to go, for what reason? I'll be alone this next half, and my life will be the same, bitter, untrusting, miserable and full of regrets. What kind of existence is that? Oh God, please tell me why I should go on.........Elly

Dear Elly,

I think at this stage in your life you've got a clear cut case of the "Wish Id's." {A Babzism} And it seems to me that it's a rather serious case at that. But it is somewhat curable.

I recognize it, your situation, quite clearly as I've gone through it myself. And if the truth were known, I still do, more often than not. Yes, at 50, you have to know that I have asked myself the same tired questions that you are. In fact, I didn't like my own answers, personally.

I do believe, at any age, people go through this or rather ask themselves the same questions. It just may be what spurs us on to bigger and better things. Now, you can not change the past, EVER but you sure as hell can change the future. And in the interim, you look back in retrospect, you hopefully learn from your mistakes and keep moving forward. Live, Learn & Laugh Like Hell about it all...hopefully.

No, this is not going to be my version of the sidelines cheerleader squad (I was a Majorette anyway, not a cheerleader). But I would like to remind you to re-evaluate your goals, re-establish those goals starting out a bit more reasonably.

I'd prefer to see you stop kicking yourself in the ass for what you did not do, who you did not become, what you were not able to accomplish. It serves no one, least of all yourself.

This case of the "Wish Id's," is similar to anger, an anger based upon things for which you have no control over; your past. While I do value your exploration in this process you are going through, it serves no one, least of all you. It is destructive and allowed to continue unbridled, unchecked well G-Friend, you are on a course to implosion.

My suggestion is to understand first that life is all a matter of perception. In example, not one of my sins sons is "worldly successful." I've said this before. But the one thing about my children that I am not only fond of but rather proud of is that they are all good human beings, good hearted, compassionate to a fault, just all around good guys. They are God fearing, have a great sense of humor, a wonderful sense of family and solid values and beliefs.

All grown, big and hairy men(and good looking to their Mama), they generally do not have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of but what little they do have they have worked for, not stolen from to get or taken anything or anyone for granted.

And while we love our children, quite often we do not like them, now do we? At least this is a truism for those of us who are willing to admit it. So, can you appreciate the thought that I not only love my sons but like them and enjoy their company?

You may be asking yourself, at this juncture, "Well Aunt B, c'mon, really what in the Sam Hell does this have to do with me?" I think what I'm trying to convey to you is, for real, what is your definition of success?

As I mentioned before, you truly need to look at your values and belief systems and tweak the shit outa them. Wake up tomorrow morning with a fresh cup of coffee and a fresh outlook. Then, you march your ass into the bathroom, look yourself square in the eye and ask yourself, this pertinent question;

Am I a good person? (And every day, from that moment on, you look yourself in the eye, making absolutely sure you are looking into your own soul and not past it and ask that question).

"When it's all said and done, I do personally believe that you will be remembered for the good you do even if it's one person at a time."

Just as a suggestion you could possibly start a blog (hey, it's free)as an outlet, working towards a common goal. I have personal friends who do a lot of animal rescue, a much needed service and mentality. You could begin making a difference even if it's just in your own backyard, you see?

The thing is, the important thought process here is for you to do what you can to make a difference, one person at a time. And to prove my point; I have been doing this "Ask Aunt B(WP)" gig since 2006. Since it's inception, Xmichra and I have answered upwards of 400 letters/questions from every walk of life. Now, I'd like to think we've made a dent in and contributed to helping others. Again, one person at a time.

There is no greatness in what we do. That is proven by the fact that more often than not we don't even get a reply from the person that's sent us a question. And even though we've poured our hearts out at times, we may not get so much as a thank you, not even a "kiss my ass."

However, there have been times, although they are few and far between where we get a letter from a reader telling us that we've most certainly helped them, they've gained a perspective that they were not able to see and/or that we made a difference in their life. And that right there, Ma'am, is the only reason I bother to do this. Yes, that tad bit of an attitude of gratitude that we might get, spurs us on.

Find that special something that you can do, one person at a time, maybe even, "One Kitty Cat or Doggie" at a time!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

Dear Elly,

You sound like you are worn out and need a break! Wearing yourself emotionally thin can cause a lot of depression and feelings of unfulfilment... but so can surrounding yourself with people who are unappreciative.

I understand that you feel bound to take care of your father. And I understand that you need to stay employed. But those two things shouldn’t be your whole life.... you have passions! And everyone needs a bit of personal down time, which I don’t think you are taking for yourself.

Thinking about how other people see you isn’t the goal. It’s how you see yourself. And you are doing yourself a great dsi-service by not recognising that you have made some very huge sacrifices in your own life to help others. People are just another form of animal Elly, and you are looking after them feeding them helping them in a time of need. Don’t sell yourself short, you are doing something that a lot of others wouldn’t do... you are giving your time and helping your father. You are a good person, and you deserve some acknowledgment for that.

As for the internet dating, we all make mistakes. You were in a vulnerable position and you were taken advantage of by an asshat. Internet or not, there are plenty of asshats out there and your situation, unfortunately, is a common one. These guys (and gals) can’t do anything for themselves and look for a “free ride”. They are lazy, manipulative liars who con their way into your life and savings account. And you saw through that in the end, but you can’t possibly think that you would see that right from the start. These people know what they are doing, and lie to get what they want. You are a genuinely good person and wouldn’t lie like that, so naturally you wouldn’t think someone would lie like that either. It is not naive, it is human. Don’t beat yourself up for this Elly, it is totally not your fault.

You said that you were close to your mother, and that can be really tough when a mother dies. I would suggest that you try finding a grieving support group to try and help you through this. There are several that deal with female cancers, so that would be the first place to try. But you really do need to talk about this, and begin to let go. You are beating yourself up for not measuring up to a standard, and that is unfair to you. You need to find some support and start to feel better, you really need to feel better Elly. It is essential.

Your last statement, why should you go on? Because Elly, you are so far from being done!! You have a whole life left to live, and you can change it to be whatever you want it to be! You are doing something unimaginably kind to support your father... do the same for yourself! Let your passions out, offer assistance in an animal shelter, take a night class for veterinary assistant, go to that support group and vent! You need release and to have something that is yours, and you are worth the effort, don’t you think?

If you need help finding a support group please let us know, and we will help find one in your area. The most important message I want you to finish reading from me is:

YOU ARE WORTH THE SAME EFFORT YOU SELFLESSLY GIVE TO OTHERS!!!

I hope you read that, and give yourself the shot at a life not realised. You have so much to do still, and so much to enjoy.

~Xmichra

Have A Question??? Nothing Is Taboo!!!

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Planned Perseverance

dear aunt b,

several years ago you helped me with my depression, now i'm fully over it, thank you very much.

but the mail i'm sending you now is not for me, it's about a friend of mine I want to help.

we are both in our senior years of school and we all applied to universities, and he while he had great grades didn't get accepted in 4 of the 5.

this makes him school tired and he always leaves school in the afternoon, a centre that keeps up to date with the status of students sent him

a letter writing that if he would stay out several more days he could risk losing his high school degree. but now after the letter he keeps not returning to school.

I am school tired too but keep going to school to get my degree, how can I convince him to come to school or how can I motivate him.

I spoke to him allready about it and he said that it's not a big deal.

aunt B, what do I have to do ?

sincerely yours,

Tim


Dearest Tim,

It's the only reward we get, to hear from a past reader that we may have helped them. So I thank you from the bottom of my heart for writing me and letting us know this. I won't take credit for your upswing, only you can but know we are here for you.

I am so sorry for the delay in answering this. I imagine that the time has expired for your friend to poop or get off the pot. So, I imagine that all I can do is possibly console you?

What I mean is this; I would think that the situation your friend is in called for immediate action and even if I'd got right on it, the possibility is that it may have been too late? Or is it?

After re-thinking this, after prayer on my part...it's never too late, even if you're 90 years old to further yourself academically. As you know, it takes much perseverance.

Obviously, your friend is not able to envision what will happen if he does not persevere. I know at your age it's not really easy to see what happens today is most certainly going to effect what tomorrow brings. And I know this because I can distinctly remember thinking how I couldn't wait to get out of school. My priorities were so totally screwed up and I surely paid for my lack of focus.

Your friend will find himself in a long line of competitive job hunters, probably blue collar if he can not stop and re-think those priorities. That's the facts Jack. Today's job market is non too pretty and if you don't have a degree, you will not get paid. Days are long gone where a guy could muddle through, without college much less a High School diploma.

In my 50 years on this earth, I have never seen a job market such as this. People are finding themselves in deep poo poo when looking for a job, in all fields short of Medicine and possibly Computers. Now, I don't claim to be an employment analyst but it is an observation that unless you have that planned perseverance I spoke about, you will not make in this life.

Although we don't want to be a party pooper, my suggestion to you would be to allow your friend to read this letter. Possibly send him the link. I also don't want to be a wet blanket but I will tell it like it is;

"What you do in the next few years is going to make or break you. If you do not buckle down and apply yourself it is going to shape the rest of your life. The idea of just making do, muddling through this life, come what may is a fatal attempt at predicting the future...your future. And for the rest of your natural born life, you will simply muddle through.

You will have to re-invent yourself and begin to prioritize your life, right here and right now. If you are tired, get more sleep. If you are tired because you stay out half the night or better yet, sit in and game till it's the wee hours of the morn, you need to realize that you are going to pay for it. You need to see that right now is the most important time of your life and will shape your future, believe it or not.

If you are having problems with school, i.e. you just don't get it or a certain subject, then you must embrace that fact and ask for help. Don't just give up or give in. No, take that bull by the horns and own it. If this is the problem, asking for help, then you must put your pride aside or pay for that pride. In other words, allow me to exemplify the obvious; You can be a man with too much pride and never ask for help or be a man of wisdom because you were not too big to look for available resources, tools that help. After all, a man is only as good as his tools right?"

I invite your friend to write me and tell me what the real deal is. I'd also like to point out the fact that he has a truly good friend in you, one who cares enough to write, once again, using the resources available. I am more than willing to help your friend and point out the way to empower his life. This is not a lost cause, it is simply a case of prioritizing and perseverance. I can get a better handle on the situation if I know the complexities of his personal situation.

Please tell your friend to write me, OK? As well, I am so pleased to hear from you and wish you only the very best life has to offer!


Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Why Write A Letter???

Re-Post from Sunday, July 8, 2007




Dear Readers...

Quite often, I tell people, who write me, to handle things, by writing a letter, to the person, they are having difficulties with. I say this for a reason. I hate to repeat myself, but will for your benefit;

Have you ever, been in an argument and you can't get a word in edge wise? Ever been knee deep, in debate and you're so angry, you say exactly what you don't mean? Ever had an argument and walked away mad and thought to yourself, later that you wished you'd said this or that? I know I have. Now, it is human nature, when we argue, to take a defensive stance. Quite often, any and all of what we say, is lost in the heat of the moment, lost in translation. It may fall on deaf ears because the person we have the tiff or disagreement with, is pissed off and is only thinking of a snappy and snide comeback. Often times, arguing only results in bad feelings. Many a relationship, has been severed and suffered because of a simple argument. If we learn to fight fair, say what we mean, mean what we say and try not to say it mean, we might get somewhere. Often times though, we tackle an iffy situation, even with the best of intention, only to make things worse because of our temper. How do I know this? I have learned this the hard way, as I have a terribly short fuse and tend to say really nasty things, when I'm angry. Thus, I must "Sabotage Myself."

I learned to shut my big mouth, calm down, take a cleansing breath, maybe wait a few hours or a few days, even and then I place a pen in my hand, instead of a proverbial knife. Words do and can cut like a knife and can be much likened to a double edged sword. Words are more powerful, than we realize or give credit to and they can make or break even the strongest.

Our choice of words can actually be life changing, life altering and life building. If we behaved more responsibly with our words, this world, of course, would be a better place. But it is a golden egg, for someone, to grow enough to finally realize before the damage has been done, to choose their words carefully.

By writing a letter, we can face our fears, we can address, things calmly and we can choose those words, with all their/it's power, in check. We may orchestrate what needs to be said, how it is said and we are afforded, the choice of wielding this power, unbridled, unobstructed, undisturbed.

If you are in a nasty argument with someone, you can't say half of what needs to be said and or how it should be said. But with a letter, you have that person, (hostage, hah, just kidding) in an audience. They can read it and re-read it. it is proven that more is retained by reading something, first hand. The impact of your words and phrase, prose and stance can not be be undermined. More importantly, that person, with whom you may have had an altercation with, is not in your face, no nasty words are exchanged, no one dies.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

(This is an excerpt from this post...Guilt Trip 101; The Mother-in-Law)
Posted by Ask Aunt B at 12:47 PM
Labels: Why Write A Letter???

"Even the most brilliant minds, may have troubled Souls"

Try On That High Heel

Dear Aunt B,

Hi, I hope things are well with you. My question is, I have been living with this man for 2 years and I love him so very much, he is 54 and I am 45. He had a child out of wedlock years ago she is now 21. She lives a few states away. He had carried on a relationship with her mother and I believe her mother still loves him. He wants to go visit his daughter, by himself, who lives with her mother. Incidently the daughter has never accepted me or really has been given a chance because he said that he didnt want to damage their relationship (she has always wanted them to get together). He also has 2 other children with his last exwife. They love me and we get along very well and I love them. Am I wrong in thinking that I should not be left out of this relationship. In the past he has stayed at their house overnight. I feel if you live with someone its not just dating. If you feel I am correct please tell me what I might say to him to make him understand. Thank you so much for your time

Dear M*******,

Seems that you have three parts to your question:

1. Should you be left out of the relationship with your boyfriend’s daughter?
2. Should you be worried that he is going to visit them alone?
3. Should you say anything to him, and if so what?

So I will try my best to answer these (and if I am wrong, please let me know. But this is what it sounds like you are asking).

1 – Relationships with kids and parents are very tricky indeed. But all in all, if he has made his choice (which is to be with you) then he should be man enough to support you (his choice) and be with you regardless of what his daughter thinks. I don’t think that you should be “left out” of the relationship, because the relationship is between the two of you, not his daughter. The relationship that you have with his daughter may not be the best situation, but she is an adult and needs to make her own mind up about that.

2 – Now, I don’t want this to sound the wrong way… but you believe that the mother still loves your boyfriend. What does that have to do with him? Can you trust him? Do you feel that you should be there to guard your relationship? This is stuff which is all about you… not her. Having said that, I personally wouldn’t let him go alone. But I am the type of woman who believes that you take your significant other with you to significant things… like seeing your daughter or going on trips, regardless on if the Ex was there or not. But if you haven’t had a problem with this with other trips that he has taken, then the problem lays with the trust, and that is a problem bigger then this question.

3 – I can understand that you do not want to be shut out of this relationship and want to make it work. So when you are talking to him, make sure that you are relaying that exact message and that you really want the two of you to have a shot at living a good life, and she is an important part of his life. Stress how important it is to you that the things that are important to him are important to you, and that you don’t want this to come between you. That you want to be able to have a relationship with his daughter, she is an adult now, and by keeping you from her it only enables her hatred of you.

Things I would make sure of before you enter that conversation though, is if you have trust issues with him going alone and that is why you are truly upset. Because if you go into the conversation with the “I want a relationship with your daughter” speech and there is no truth to it, the conversation will soon unravel and you will end up in an argument. A very big argument.

Just be truthful and talk to him about what it is you want and fear. This should be something that the two of you can discuss.

I hope things work out for you, and for the family.

~Xmichra.

Dear M*******,

Some of us, for some reason are not able to put things into perspective. This is often true with men, in particular. While they can be brilliant, they often do not have common sense in certain situations. This is why God made woman...

You must simply put all this in terms that he can understand. Break it all down, each and every point you need to make. The good ol', "Put the shoe on the other foot," situation.

I would start by explaining to him, if the tables were turned, in each given situation, how would he feel? Would any of this bother him? Would he feel the same way, if it were you going to visit your ex and so on and so on.

Yes, just simplify the obvious and it's quite possible he'll be able to try on that high heel.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

free advice

This is Your Life

Dear Aunt B,

I am a new reader and found your site through Google. You were the only site I came across that truly offered advice for free, I commend you.

My name is Jeremy and I'm 26 years old. I have a wife of four years and a three year old daughter, both were blessings in my life. My problem is my best friend Ben. Ben and I grew up together, we met in high school and played sports, dated and had alot of really goofy experiences together. We were inseparable.

When I met my wife and we started getting really serious, we moved in together to an apartment across town. Not far away, maybe ten minutes from Ben. We still called and played golf, did guy stuff together. When I told him I was marrying her, his response was supportive but not much else. Not even a congratulations.

Ben and I didn't talk alot when my daughter was born. I was worried about working as much as I could to keep as much money in my bank account to provide for them, I really never thought about Ben as much as I should have. He still came over to my house to watch movies or go out to a bar for a couple of hours, play golf together once in a while.

Ben met someone about a year ago. I kept asking to meet her but he always had some excuse. He called me one day about a month later telling me to get my best man speech ready because he was going to ask her to marry him. I had never met this girl. I told him to come to the bar with me so I could give him some advice on getting married. He says okay but don't tell your wife, I'm bringing (his girl) so you can meet her. I told him I wasn't going to lie to my wife, I just wasn't coming if that's the way he wanted it.

So he begged and I brought my wife along anyway. We're sitting at dinner and I'm watching this girl treat my best friend like he was a little child. Wiping his face with a napkin and picking up some of his food for him. I didn't like the way he seemed, all I know is that Ben wasn't the guy I had known for 10+ years. The next day we met for a beer after work and he asked me what I thought of his girl. I was straight with him that I didn't like the way she treated him and that he should really think about what he was doing in marrying this girl.

He threw a ten dollar bill down on the table and tried to walk out. I caught him by his arm and told him this wasn't over, he was going to stay and talk about this with me. He still took off and that's the last time we really spoke.

We recently started emailing which is a good step, although now he won't email me back. I found out thru these emails that he never really liked my wife and the speech he gave as my best man was all lies...actually his fiance' told me that. I feel like I owe it to him to be there on his big day, which is now 6 weeks away. I have tried to get him to meet me somewhere to talk about things and where they went wrong and to no avail.

I feel like we have too much history to abandon this lost cause because he just doesn't get it. What can I do, if anything? Thank you for listening.



Dear Jeremy,

I thank ya kindly for the compliment. We are unique, are we not? We've all been down a few roads and I know I was rode hard and put away wet. Now, if we can help someone have a little easier ride, well, I guess that's what it's all about. Plus, I still owe Mz. Karma Bitchslap™, some good before I go.

Well my Dear Jeremy, I'm gonna tell you just like I might if you were one of my own. I have three sons and an adopted daughter, 7 grandchildren and one great-grandchild, all of which find themselves in the corner, from time to time, me chewing their ear, maybe even boxing them. Yes, I have always carried a big stick and at 49, I can still dance. I tell it like it is and I will treat you like family. That gives me the inalienable right to cut to the chase, to hell with the democracy. Welcome to the Family...

First, I want to make you aware that I can see that you are grateful for your wife and child, you see them as blessings while others may take it all for granted. With a continued appreciative heart and a conscience effort to always be thankful, you will be one step ahead of this program. Too many of us can't appreciate the water till the well runs dry, right? Selah

If you've read anything, that I've written here, you'll notice a recurring theme or method to my madness; I try to put things into perspective. After all, life and love is all a matter of perspective and how we choose to look at things. Hopefully, we choose to look for the good in people, first and have an optimistic heart. This equates, to me anyway as, well you know, some people say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, right? Personally, I'm just grateful for the water and you must be too. Selah

You know that good friends are hand picked family and sometimes you must strive for that unconditional love, unconditional understanding, afforded to family.

I do believe that Ben is part of your handpicked family and you may have to just let him be Ben. You'll have to choose to over look some things, things that might not sit well with you. Yes, even if you feel she may not be right for him, he'll have to walk down "his road" and I'm hoping you'll walk on the berm along side him.


You do know the power of a woman on a man? Many men would never admit that power. Yes, a woman does wield the power to make or break a guy. As well, I say there is "a good woman behind every great man." The thing is though, in the dark of night, in the wee hours of the morn, at your final moment on this earth, it will be that woman next to you and not your best friend.

Perspective

He didn't care for your wife, did he? You may never have known this had you not drawn "first blood." What I imply is that without realizing it, you may have started this fight.

Your buddy Ben, is a different man when he is with her, you do know this, don't you? And don't you think, if he didn't like her coddling and so on, you know the kind of stuff that makes you throw up in your mouth, is he not man enough to stop her or tell her he doesn't like it? Read that again.

Although Ben is behaving, so far from the guy you know and love as a brother, she may be just what the Doctor ordered. She may fulfill what he needs in those wee hours, in the dark of night. And if he's not man enough to tell her he doesn't like her doing these things, especially in front of his friends, well he must sit in his own shit, till he decides to man up and say how badly it stinks. Who knows what's in the hearts of men? Yes, a woman does have this ability to change the rules of the game.

In some ways, you see it as belittling, you know, wiping his mouth and so on but he may very well love every minute of it? So, somehow you've got to find it in your heart to be happy for your friend and assume that he does like things just as they are.

Now, if we assume that he does like things just as they are, would you, if the tables were turned, not find offense in your best friend implying that you are not man enough to stand up for himself against the evil which lurks in the heart of woman? Would you not be hurt that your friend didn't try to understand and be happy for you? Furthermore, would it not piss you off, if your friend asserted his opinion on the matter and put his two cents in where it would be perceived that it didn't belong?

I know and you know that you only have his best interests at heart. But life is much like a book with it's twists and turns, it's comedy and tragedy, it's plot and the plot has just thickened. Yes, Ben has opened a new chapter in his book, one where he has re-invented himself and it's not someone your recognize.

When you went onto another chapter, in your book, "This is Your Life," Ben didn't really recognize you at first either. He contemplated and wondered where he fit in in this new equation, this new chapter. Do you want to know how many times Ben asked himself, "What the hell does he see in her?" He also wondered where his best friend had gone and told himself that his feelings were unfounded and he didn't have the right to resent your new wife for stealing, his best buddy. Did you know that Ben was a bit lost and didn't know what to do with himself, after she took you? Your wedding day was not his best day but he tried to smile and get through it. He tried to be happy for you and accept things as they are and were. Yes, Ben often looked in the mirror and told himself what a real asshole he was being for faking his smile that day. He stood in front of that mirror, many times before and after your wedding day, searching his soul for the right feelings.

Life is too short for the dumb shit. Real friends are few and far between. They often go the wayside when you do open a new chapter, especially one where they no longer have anything in common. True friends, not associates, you know the ones that, as I said before are hand picked family, are the only ones that last, the only ones that will be *Pallbearers at your funeral.

Do you want Ben to be a Pallbearer and would you be one at his funeral? OK, it sounds a bit morbid but ask yourself this, would it be a lie to carry his casket or his yours? Would it be filled with lies if he were to give a Eulogy at your wake?

Write your friend, one more email and give him his Eulogy, today. Say what needs to be said. Search your soul for the right words. Search your soul for some semblance of happiness and understanding for your friend. Most of all, well, I'm going to just say it; You do owe him even a slice of an apology. Look at this pie and see why you want that slice, ok?


Yes, life is far too short for the dumb shit, as I said but it's never ever too late to do the right thing, right this minute. Jeremy, if you live your life today, like tomorrow will be your last and say what needs to be said but weigh your words first, you'll really live.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

*A pallbearer is one of several funeral participants who helps carry the casket of a deceased person from a religious or memorial service or viewing either directly to a cemetery or mausoleum, or to and from the hearse which does so.

A pall is the heavy cloth that is draped over a coffin. Hence the metaphoric term "casting a pall" on a gathering of people, by announcing bad news to the group. By metonymy, the term "pallbearer" is used to signify someone who bears the coffin which the pall covers.

What's Good for the Goose...

This was sent to Aunt B via email... Dear Aunt B, have a problem i m in love wid a guy crazily... he loves me too but recently he keeps on chattin wid other gals,which i dnt like.i am 2 scared to ask him about it but i love him...n he does too wat shud i do? it eatin me... Dear Anonymous, People are not mind readers are they? You must state your needs, your likes and dislikes but you have to find the right time, place and moment.

Guys tend to become defensive if confronted, I am aware of this. But they sure do love flattery, don't they? This is most likely why he is possibly flirtatious, with these other girls.

So, you've got to be his everything and step up your formula for success. You find a private moment, when you can feel he is in a good mood and loving. Then, you tell him that you care so much about him, enough that it makes you crazy when he talks to other girls. Now, you can't say it like you are serious and it makes you look insane like some stalker. You have to approach it in a humorous, amusing way.

You might try telling him that you think he is good looking and you know why these girls talk to him, notice what I just said; "Why these girls talk to him." See, now you are not being or acting in an accusatory manner but making it look like you understand because he is a nice looking guy and the girls are talking to him, not him talking to the girls. Follow me?

Believe it or not, guys often like it when their girlfriend is a bit jealous but not in a nasty, crazy, I'll kill you if you talk to another girl, way. You then tell him that it does make you a bit jealous (with a smile on your face) when he talks to all these girls and you want him all for yourself. I am not going to leave you with that though. I want you to realize that there will always be circumstances, whether it is at school, work or any other place, that your guy will have interchanges with other girls.

We may all get jealous when our guy talks to them but if has done nothing wrong, you have to keep your butt in check and not act crazy. You can not be possessive, especially if he has given you no good reason to be or feel that way. What I mean is that if he has always been attentive to you and is not being out and out flirtatious, you need to keep it to yourself.

He may also feel the same way, if you talk to other guys. he may see you in a conversation with another guy and watch your body language. If you are acting all sexy and flirtatious, it might just burn his butt. I say this because you always have to put yourself in the other persons place. You have to try to see things as they might.

In turn, watch him first, when you see him talking to these other girls. Does he act ashamed when you walk up on him after he has talked to them? If he does, he may be up to no good. If he is talking to these girls or he touches them, then he getting too friendly. If after you have done, what I said in the second paragraph and he doesn't get the point, there a couple of things you can do;

1. Have him read this. You just say to him, I want you to read something and maybe this will speak what you can not say.


2.If he continues, then I have always believed, what is good for the goose is good for the gander. You must not be so reclusive or reserved, huh? I mean, I'd bet that he feels safe that you are completely loyal?Now,you talk to a guy or two, when you know there's the chance that he may see you.

When he wonders what your conversation and intention is, it will make him feel how you feel. He's not a mind reader either, so he's going to wondering if you are trying to get with this guy or just having a conversation. He will feel what you are feeling. If and when he calls you on it, you go in for the pointer; Ah ha, now you know how I feel. I love you and I do not want to invest my heart into a guy that is trying to pick up another girl. My suggestion is to tell him that you care so much and to have him read this. It will get your point said for you.

Grab A Star

This was sent to Aunt B via email...


Hi ya,
I'm 18 and don't have a job at the moment and it gets me down a lot
because I cant go out and see my mate. I have to rely on my Mum and I'm really
bored of day time t.v but theres a big problem because I know I need a job but
I just can't get up out of bed and look for one please help. why is it I know
what I have to do but just won't. Why?

~~~

Hey Sweetie, One side of me wants to put a foot in your butt, just I've had to with my own sons. But the other wants to hug you and tell you, it's gonna be alright. I just so have happened to see depression, up close and personal. I think this may be part of your issue? Your letter is too vague for any real assessment but I can give you some perspective.

Don't think for one minute that I do not understand, ok? I've been so depressed and full of anxiety that I was virtually paralyzed. I have been diagnosed with Manic Depression, Battered Woman's Syndrome and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Did I mention my addictions? I am a mess but I have grown and so will you.

Sometimes our lives feel as if we have no control, no hope and no future. It's sure easy to fall into the trappings of a situation, our lives, just not what we'd hoped for. It can be disappointing, huh? But here you are, at the start of your life and you are spinning in one spot. Let's look at the possibilities, ok?

It may be Depression and I have given you some tests, definitions and links at the bottom of this post. If you are depressed, you may not be able to climb out alone. I would seek counseling, two heads are better than one, right? You may very well have a legitimate need for medication. Depression can run in families. My own family has been touched by it. My husband, I and my children, all have varying degrees. Before my husband died, I didn't know about depression, not really. My husband was very depressed, most of the time. I would get extremely angry with him and thought he just needs to get off his lazy ass and do something. I had no idea just how devastating it can be. I think, a lot of the population has no understanding of depression and they can certainly be cold and calloused about those that don't fit into the mold that Society dictates as how a normal citizen should behave. You understand what I mean? They expect everybody to be able to go to school, and then go to work 9 to 5, raise a family and be productive. There's not much tolerance if you do not adhere to their plans for success in citizenry.
If you have a form of depression, medication may help you, as well as therapy. But let me point this out to you...having depression gives you no license to sit in your own crap and not do anything about it. If you see that you have a problem, seek help. It will not come to you, right? Make a phone call to your Human Services, Mental Health Services or even a Hotline. They may and will steer you where you need to go.
I believe you know something is not right or you'd not have written, huh?

Perspective

Self-esteem, may very well be another issue? I am more than aware of how difficult it can be to leave your home, go to a job interview and wait to be, figuratively kicked in the teeth. The mere thought of being rejected by a potential Employer, can be paralyzing, huh? I'd bet you are sitting there and you sabotage yourself? You are telling yourself, that no one wants to hire you? Well, with that attitude, you have to ask yourself, if you'd hire you, right? Stop it!

Every single person has something to offer to society, every single person. Now, we need to hone in on your strengths and look at your weaknesses in a positive way.
First, look at what you have to offer an employer. Don't tell me nothing either!

Homework

I would love to see you list your good qualities, on paper. Are you good with people? Are you good with computers? Are you good at…and so on? What are your good qualities? You have not told me if you have any job experience or if you are skilled in anything? But let’s assume you have no skills or past job experience, ok?

First and foremost, you must have realistic goals. You can not expect to Manage or be a CEO overnight. You’ll have to find an entry level job. You are 18 years old and it’s quite possible that you want the world and you want it now. You may also have to humble yourself and take a job that you are not especially fond of. Once you get out there and begin to work, at anything, you will find that you begin to feel better. Then, you want more and you dream bigger. It’s not fact but it seems to me that when it’s hard to find a job, once you get out there, more jobs pop up. It’s an unwritten rule that I’ve seen myself. I’ve worked so many jobs that were rather unpleasant but I always began to feel better once I was out in the work force and productive. I can just about guarantee, that if you follow this strategy, you will begin to feel better. In turn, you will be out there and more apt to hear of better jobs. I’m telling you, to go out and find a crap job, that’s not too challenging. You will feel better about yourself and when you see that you are actually capable of more, you then look for better. Remember, the jobs will not look for you, you must look for them.

Another thing I want you to think about and envision is an actual interview. How will you conduct yourself? What will you wear? If you are trying to get any job, you should try to dress the part. In other words, let’s say you want to work as a nurses aid, you would wear white. If it’s a business office, you’d want to wear a suit. But if you are going for an average job, you at least wear a collared shirt, if male and if you are a woman, you’d best wear a dress or nice pants suit. You have to match your clothing to what you want to obtain and perspective employers will be able to envision you fitting in. Even if you would try for a job in fast food, i.e. McDonalds, you would at least wear a clean Polo shirt and slacks. You don’t want to over dress but look clean cut.

The next thing I want you to envision is this; if you go for a job interview and they do not hire you, most likely you will never see them again. What is the worst thing that can happen; they tell you that you are not suited for the position? Would that kill you or crush you? Don’t allow the element of the unknown to hold you in the grips of fear. But if you start off realistically and within the scope of your training, skills or even lack of both and try for a job, just about anybody could get, there’s little chance of rejection. And as I stated before, after you’ve been out there and you feel better about yourself and your personal self-worth, you step it up a notch and shoot for a better job. If you have no skills, then you pay attention and learn that particular job, the one you are in. See, you may be able to take that experience and apply it to the next job. Life skills are often the best skills to obtain and as long as you have a good work ethic, you can’t go wrong. A good work ethic means that whatever job you do, you do it the best job possible. You take pride in this and being on time. You don’t work hard at getting out of work. You work smart and you won’t have to work as hard. Invest your time in honing whatever it is you will do and do it well. It doesn’t matter if you are a garbage/rubbish collector, you be the best damn collector/sanitation worker you can be.

I think you just need a good dose of perspective. I think you may be expecting that your life should be all together and planned right here, right now. But for some of us, it just doesn’t work that way. Some of us are not handed college or a family business. Some of us have to work hard and get our hands dirty. We can’t all be the beautiful people now can we? I am not in the scope of the beautiful people either and I have worked since I was 14 years old. I take pride in the fact, that I arrive at work on time, I don’t call in sick, faking an illness to get out of work and I don’t spend my time making it look like I’m working, trying to get over. I can look in the mirror and be proud of myself. I believe you can do this too. Stop trying to reach the moon and just grab one of the million stars. Be good at whatever it is you do and remember that every body doesn’t get everything handed to them on a silver platter. Hell no, mine was handed to me on a paper plate and I do the best I can with it.

You have to start somewhere and you have to crawl before you can walk. Start crawling, get out there, next thing you know, you’ll be flying!

Here's an NYU, Depression Test Click Here



Here's another Test Click Here



Depression



Many men/women don't recognize depression symptoms. Depression is a complex matter. In recent years, with burgeoning research progress, we are finding out that depression is much more common than many of us thought. At least 15% (and likely more) of men/women take an antidepressant during their lifetime. Depression is much more common in women than in men, but the reason for this female predominance is unclear.

Besides the fact that woman suffer from depression more often than do men, women often think they can "work through" a depression on their own. They may misunderstand the low risk associated with medication treatment of depression, or else they believe that because they are intelligent hard-working people a counselor or psychologist will be of no help. These mistaken beliefs are, unfortunately, common. Medications for depression may sometimes have annoying side effects, such as agitation, insomnia, or drowsiness, but serious reactions are extremely unusual. Women with a true depression are suffering. Such bothersome, non-life threatening side effects, which may lessen soon anyway, are likely to be much more tolerable than untreated depression for many women. Time and again, studies have shown that either counseling or medication therapy, or optimally both together, are extremely effective in safely relieving depression in both women and men.
Learn about treatments for depression »

Top Searched Depression Terms:
symptoms, teenage depression, postpartum depression, depression test, signs, types, bipolar depression, suicide
Doctor to Patient

What is a depressive disorder?

Depressive disorders have been with man since the beginning of recorded history. In the Bible, King David, as well as Job, suffered from this affliction. Hippocrates referred to depression as melancholia, which literally means black bile. Black bile, along with blood, phlegm, and yellow bile were the four humors (fluids) that accounted for the basic medical physiology of that time. Depression has been portrayed in literature and the arts for hundreds of years, but what do we mean today when we refer to a depressive disorder? In the nineteenth century, depression was seen as an inherited weakness of temperament. In the first half of the twentieth century, Freud linked the development (pathogenesis) of depression to guilt and conflict. John Cheever, the author and a modern sufferer of depressive disorder, wrote of conflict and experiences with his parents as influencing his development of depression.

In the 1950's and 60's, depression was divided into two types, endogenous and neurotic. Endogenous means that the depression comes from within the body, perhaps of genetic origin, or comes out of nowhere. Neurotic or reactive depression has a clear environmental precipitating factor, such as the death of a spouse, or other significant loss, such as the loss of a job. In the 1970's and 80's, the focus of attention shifted from the cause of depression to its effects on the afflicted people. That is to say, whatever the cause in a particular case, what are the symptoms and impaired functions that experts can agree make up a depressive disorder? Although there is some argument even today (as in all branches of medicines), most experts agree that:

1. A depressive disorder is a syndrome (group of symptoms) that reflects a sad mood exceeding normal sadness or grief. More specifically, the sadness of depression is characterized by a greater intensity and duration and by more severe symptoms and functional disabilities than is normal.
2. Depression symptoms are characterized not only by negative thoughts, moods, and behaviors, but also by specific changes in bodily functions (e.g., eating, sleeping, and sexual activity). The functional changes are often called neurovegetative signs.
3. Certain people with depressive disorder, especially bipolar depression (manic depression), seem to have an inherited vulnerability to this condition.
4. Depressive disorders are a huge public health problem.

* In 1990, depression cost the United States 43 billion dollars in both direct costs, which are the treatment costs, and indirect costs, such as lost productivity and absenteeism.

* In a major medical study, depression caused significant problems in the functioning of those affected more often than did arthritis, hypertension, chronic lung disease, and diabetes, and in two categories of problems, as often as coronary artery disease.

* Depression can increase the risks for developing coronary artery disease, HIV, asthma, and some other medical illnesses. Furthermore, it can increase the morbidity (illness) and mortality (death) from these conditions.

5. Depression is usually first identified in a primary care setting, not in a mental health practitioner's office. Moreover, it often assumes various disguises, which causes depression to be frequently under-diagnosed.
6. In spite of clear research evidence and clinical guidelines regarding therapy, depression is often under-treated. Hopefully, this situation can change for the better.
7. For full recovery from a mood disorder, regardless of whether there is a precipitating factor or it seems to come out of the blue, treatments with medications and/or electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) and psychotherapy are often necessary.

Stand Up, You Are A Diamond

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Dear Aunt B,

My problem is a little confusing so please bear with me. I just recently broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years, two days before Valentines. We were high school sweethearts, and even started to plan our wedding. When we broke up, I tried to get him back in all the wrong ways. I called constantly, wrote a letter, and went over to his dorm when he didn't want to see me. He told me that I was too dependent of him, and that I was choking him. And that he didn't want me to e-mail, call him ever again. He had to force me out of his dorm room.

Now, my boyfriend Cody... ex-boyfriend... is under-taking a challenging major. In his department the professors, and the other students don't take him seriously. So everyday is like he feels like he has to prove himself, and the stress got to be too much. Not only in his school work but also in our relationship. Cody bottles up stress, and I just happened to be the one he took it out on. If Cody isn't in the Art building, he's either working his job from 5:30-8:30 every night, or in his dorm. He's been known to stay up until 5 in the morning working on his projects. With my dependency I pushed him over the edge. It was like I was stretching a rubber band and it finally snapped. Don't get me wrong... Cody is not a violent person. He just does not know how to manage his stress.The last time I tried to see him he told me he didn't want me to call him, or e-mail him or anything.

It still hurt like heck but it took me almost a week-straight of crying to finally get to the bottom of my problem of why I was so dependent on him. I was raped and molested at age 6, and it continued for 3 years. I never got help with the issue. I believe this may have been the cause on why I was so dependent on him. I lived in denial for 14 years of my life thinking that it never happened, and during that time I constantly beat myself up about it thinking that I was ugly, stupid, and that I wasn't good enough, or worthy enough for anyone to love me. No one knew about my rape except my close friends; and I actually didn't tell my mom until recently. It didn't matter if someone told me I was stupid, or ugly, because I already thought about myself like that. I convinced myself that I was. Now, I've started going to therapy, gotten involved in a church group, and I am finally feeling good about myself for the first time. I'm finally seeing what Cody saw in me all this time. This break-up has really allowed me to put myself and what happened to me in perspective. I can say that I don't regret the break-up because honestly I don't think I would have ever dealt with this issue. But still I miss him very much.

My therapist told me that all I had been doing coincided with the behavioral symptoms for something called "Rape Trauma Syndrome". I've done some research on my own, and I have about 7 of the behavioral symptoms including: dependency in relationships, living in denial, feeling not worthy, and believing that you won't have much of a future, and that you won't live long. He said that I didn't really know what I was doing because I was trying to in a sense "survive". Knowing all this has lifted such a weight off of me. One Sunday night, Cody called me after he saw me in Church to tell me that he forgave me, and that he just wanted to be friends. I've somewhat accepted this concept of being "friends" with him only because I know that I don't want to infringe on his personal space again. I do still want to continue our relationship because I am crazy about him. But I know I must take care of myself first, at the same time I don't want to loose him for good.

Our relationship was never perfect. We had our good times, and our bad but we still managed to stick together and make the most of our time together. We were an incredible team, and we talked about the future often. When life at home was less then perfect, Cody would listen to all my problems, and I him. We were a great comfort to each other, and brought each other up. In high school, I was probably more centered on him then anything else. My parents would tell me that I had to get out more with friends but I didn't listen. But I honestly didn't think that I had much of a future so I didn't try very hard in school. I pushed back the thought of my rape all those years, and actually tried to convince myself that it never even happened.

I told Cody what had happened to me after we had been dating almost a year. He told me it wasn't my fault what had happened to me, and honestly I didn't believe him even though Cody was the first person to tell me that I was beautiful, that I was smart, and that I was loved. I thought it was amazing that someone could care so much about a girl like me. It was easier to believe all these things when Cody and I were in the same room. But when I was alone at night in my room I would go back to telling myself I wasn't good enough. But I am. Now, I am starting to see all that and more in me. I really feel like someone has breathed oxygen into my lungs again. I feel wonderful. I'm finally beginning to love myself. I'm 20 now, and I can't believe that I survived this long... but I did!

I really feel that I've grown a lot in the past months, both emotionally, and spiritually. Even Cody's roommate Daniel commented that I seem to be a totally different person. And honestly I don't even feel like that scared, wounded little girl anymore. I AM a new woman!

I honestly feel that Cody is the man for me. There is still chemistry between us, and I know there are possibilities that there are other guys out there, but I really can't think of myself being with anyone else. I know I must take care of myself before testing our relationship again. And I do believe that once I get myself together, and heal more that our relationship will be so much more then it was before. I know that I want to tell Cody all that I've learned about myself in the past months of us breaking up. And I want to do this purely as his friend. I don't want to insinuate a relationship with him and I'm afraid thats what he'll be thinking if I try to talk to him. I'm not ready for that and neither is he.

So finally, Aunt B, my question: The next break coming up is Easter break. I know he will be home, and I am planning to go back and stay with a friend of mine that I haven't seen in a while that lives in the same town. I think that during break would be a good time to talk to him but I am really not sure. My cat is buried in his front yard and I was planning on planting flowers for her, and see if Cody would help me, and then possibly try and talk to him afterward. But I don't want him to feel trapped. I've overstepped my boundaries once and he forgave me for doing all those things, but I absolutely do not want to do that again. How can I talk to him without him feeling like I'm forcing myself on him again? I know that whatever happens Cody will need time and space and I am so willing to give him both. But how will I know when he is ready for us to continue our relationship? Is it something I'll just know? My therapist said something about I had been chasing Cody all this time, and that if I actually stop going after him he might go after me. But I still feel like I personally need to tell him all I've learned.

Thank you for taking time to read this! Any advice you can tell me will be great!

Signed,

A******





Dear A******,

Well Sweetie, you've been through it. The best thing you ever did was to get into counseling. I do believe with the right counselor and a willingness to change, all things can happen. A good counselor does not hand you the answers. I see them playing "Devil's Advocate" and helping you pull the answers out. Sometimes though, there are no answers and you have to rebuild the person that was broken down and learn coping skills. It seems to me, that you are doing this.
The variables are different, case to case, person to person but I can identify with every point you made. I was raped at least 3 times. It takes away an innocence but after being betrayed by your rapist, you begin a habit of distrust. The world is not an easy place but then you throw in a brew of being violated, especially on a continual basis and you have conjured up a vat of many emotions. You will often feel that people have an underhanded motive to their flattery and in life in general.
Rape of any kind is and can be so harmful. But when a child is raped, it can change the way they view life forever. It is a heinous crime to the highest power. I can only hope that my good friend Mz. Karma Bitchslap pays a visit to your rapist and if it's any consolation, they might get away with it in this life but I have to believe they will pay. I'm banking on retribution. In the meantime we must also be aware that anger kills. Keeping emotions, hurt, shame and that nasty ol' anger, can and will eat you alive. I think you know this and your counseling was and is the best thing you could ever do. Getting over some of these hurdles and emotions will be your way of winning. I am a firm believer that by entertaining anger, shame and a general feeling of worthlessness allows your rapist to win. Don't you give it to them. Take back your life, take back your emotions and take back control of you.
Being raped can cause a whole adaptation of our very being. We will often incorporate a survivalist mentality and often, we are not even aware that we are doing it. What's even worse, is when we do behave in a manner befitting Rape Trauma Syndrome. There are a lot of things, rape victims tend to do, even though they might know it's not really the right thing to do. Victims of rape are sometimes promiscuous and addiction, drowning out emotion, can often add insult to injury. A lot of it comes down to self worth. We may think we are not worthy in general.
I may possibly understand how you feel and I think the key here is going to be honesty, remember this.
It seems to me, you are very intelligent, I gather this from your prose but you have a distinct advantage over others, you might not even realize; you have empathy on this subject.

So, what to do? You have already taken several steps towards your healing, counseling is a big part of that. I mentioned honesty and let me add perspective. O.K., I do not know what you look like. You could be beautiful but this has made you feel ugly. What you need is reality and acceptance. How do we do this? First, we look in the mirror, literally. I did this and have been doing it every day since I adopted this into my being. I see a fairly attractive woman. I am not beautiful but I clean up good. I think a few years ago, I may have even been pretty but we'll use the word attractive. For years, I felt ugly on one hand but knew that I was OK, on the other. It comes down to feeling good in your own skin. Then, you must work on who you are. Are you a negative person? Do you behave like a victim? Then, you look in the mirror figuratively and assess yourself, each and every day. A person only grows if they nurture themselves. You will not find that in other people, money or material things. No, you have to become a woman on your own. It is a right of passage to feel comfortable in your own skin. You must be aware that it is real easy for us to look for happiness or fulfillment in people or material things. Was Cody this to you or a security blanket? Now, let me make it clear that I am not stating that this is what you were doing but I simply want you to look at it. Until you are happy with yourself, you are no good to any one else. You must stand on your own and work through all your own demons. Get it out and always look in the mirror. Be ok with yourself. Be realistic with yourself. Do not look for fault but assessment, as to what you have to offer. Most importantly, I want you to realize that what happened to you was not your fault and you should have no shame for it. Whoever did this was a heinous ass and it is easy to stay angry about it. If you do that though or continue to be victimized by it, you just that; it's victim. Stop!

I want you to begin the healing so you may stand on your own as a woman. Grow from this and rise above it. Look in the mirror and be honest as to what you have to bring to any relationship. I will repeat, do not look for fault. We all have faults, you don't own the market on that one and I don't care if you're Miss America, if we chose to, we will and can find fault. Be realistic as to who you are. Make sure you have NOT become needy. This is why I stress growing and standing on your own, as a person, as a woman. If you put on that *Bitch Belt and you become an assertive woman, who states her needs, does not play the victim or have a sense of entitlement, you will be a well rounded package. I think with Cody, even though it was or is love, you may have used that situation to buffer yourself. It was somewhat, possibly *Co-Dependency.

You're codependent for sure if, when you die,
someone else's life flashes in front of your eyes.

You've got to be you before you can be a couple and really before you have anything to offer. I think you are trying to do this right now and I think you are on the right road, the road to recovery. Most of all, remember when you start feeling bad or worthless, like a big ball of nothing, you let that SOB win. Take it back baby and put on that *Bitch Belt. Yes, I want you to wear it like Prada!



Stand Up

I am in complete agreement with your therapist. If you do not chase Cody, if it's true love, he will come back. If it's real and wholesome, he never left, he just took a break and you will always be on his mind. But the more independent you become, the more you have to offer. If he sees that you can exist without him, he's going to look at the situation. You need to be able to exist without him. If you are in the same room, you need to be only you, if you are a 1000 miles apart, you need to be able to cope on your own. Want and Addiction to a relationship are two different things.

Baby Steps

I truly believe for two people to become one in union, you can't have a fraction and a whole part. The math just doesn't add up, does it? Are you a fraction?
In marriage, it has to be 1+1=1 but that one is a whole number and is divisible, all on it's own. Don't be a fraction. Work on you and how you want to be perceived. Do you want to be perceived as needy, unhappy, negative or a victim? I don't think you do and I am not implying that you are. What i am saying is to assess yourself. You have that power of deducement or you may have lost your mind, long ago. I know you've flirted with the edge but you are a survivalist. Be proud of that, ok?

Baby Steps


I know and would bet money that you want me to tell you to run to him, when you go home for Easter vacation. But I would love to tell you to keep yourself far away from him. Easter is coming and you are chomping at the bit, rightly so. You love this guy, this is clear. I know you want to better yourself and to rise above all this or you would not have bothered to write me a lengthy letter, which by the way, I am flattered that you asked me for my opinion.
I know what love is. I have loved and been loved. I have had that kind of love, where you look at them and it takes your breath away. I've also known the kind of love, if you want to call it that, where if he was in a bad mood, I tip toed around. He had the ability to crush me in every way. He also was able to take my good days and turn then to crap. Then, I'd set about pampering him and trying to make it right. I took it personal, as if I had to make it right. It was extremely unhealthy and I slipped into further mental illness and addiction just trying to shut it up. I couldn't fix him but boy did I try. I was one sick individual and when we argued because he had that bad day and he told me that I was an ugly bitch or worthless, I believed him. He was cruel to me and I played a victim and let him do this to me. Notice the word "let." I may have been whole or close to it when the relationship started but he reduced me to a fraction. I let him do this. I had to stop allowing him to use my weaknesses against me. I had to begin to look in the mirror and ask myself if I really was a worthless ugly bitch?
I looked in the mirror and I did not like what I saw because I did see a worthless ugly bitch. I cleaned that mirror and washed my face and mind and peered into again. What I saw was a woman who'd been playing a victim and allowing all my garbage to be worn all over me. People had to have seen it as clear as the black eyes, he'd given me more than a dozen times. I was able to get away from him but not before I'd looked in the mirror and was truthful with myself. It was only then that I was able to say, "Hey, you're not half bad. You are a good hearted person, witty, a good conversationalist and well rounded. You are loving and affectionate (which took some work), a good lover, wife, person and you have a lot to offer." I have never been egotistical but quite the opposite. But you must love yourself before you can love anyone else. You must be truthful with yourself, break it down and build it back up.

Your Answer

How bad do you want this? One of two things will happen, once you put on that *Bitch Belt. You will become stronger, you will become whole and you will be noteworthy. Your self-worth will be evident, your self-assurance will shine through.
Or?
You used Cody as a security blanket and as you grow into who you are, you will stand up, see yourself and be comfortable in your own skin. You will no longer need a security blanket or buffer from the world. You will stand up and state that you will no longer allow some loathsome creature to own you or your emotions. You will say that what was done to you by that Pedophile was in the past and you kick it to the curb. Take back you, G-friend. Stand up and face it, in your mind and stare it down. Out loud you say that you refuse to allow this to keep you down, not one more frigin minute. I want you to take in a huge breath, gather up all those nasty memories and blow them in the wind. If you get another memory or flashback, you do this every damn time and blow it all out, get it out and let it go. Take that hurt, pain, shame, guilt and anger and flush it. Take back you and continue to see your therapist.
OK, Easter vacation? After you have done all this, I know you'll want to call him. Feel it out. If you have done your homework, he'll feel it. When you call him and you don't sound like you are going to tax his emotions, he will know. He may feel it enough and offer to see you. If given the opportunity, you offer to possibly have coffee and you state that you would like to speak with him. If he says no, walk away, figuratively, dignity intact. It may not be time yet. Time heals all wounds, really it does. He may grow away from you but if it's meant to be, he'll sense the changes. If he agrees to meet with you, I want you to look your best, you know, fix your hair real nice, wear something, nice, not too provocative. But before you walk out that door, you put your "Bitch Belt" on.
Now, you hold your head up. You will not be that same woman, you know that girl who was raped and couldn't let it go or that needy, I can't live without you, you are my only existence, my entire world, girl. You will stand up, as a woman, with so much to offer, a beautiful diamond. Diamonds withstand the highest heat to obtain their brilliance. You are now a diamond and you will shine. You have gone through all this to arrive, a woman with value.
A true woman is one that is also capable of seeing when she was wrong. You must admit your part in this whole situation. You may have just pushed his buttons and he snapped, as you yourself said. You apologize for pushing him to that point. Now, here's the only reason I want you to see him...to apologize. If you do not have ulterior motives, you will not seem needy. No, you have gone to see him, to right a wrong. You owe him that. If you go with the needy, "We have to get back together," scenario, rooted as your motive, you need to stop right there. No, you must start with accountability for your actions. You are no longer a victim, placing all your pain and junk, all on his broad shoulders.
Go to the house or where ever you guys decide to meet, if he agrees. Do not touch him or try to hug him, unless he offers it. Even if he does, don't fall right in, keep some distance between you. You tell him that you have worked through things and you realize that you have not been fair and you are so sorry. You tell him that he did not deserve all that, he's a good guy and you never meant to hurt him or push him so far. Now, here's the important part, take note; if he has just listened to you and not said anything, which I encourage you to state you want to be heard, you apologize finally, stand as to walk out and extend your hand to shake it. It will be a sense of closure on that chapter. He will either take you in his arms or let you walk away. Do not plead and beg but walk away, if he does not seem interested or receptive. You have now planted a seed of a new you, a woman of the highest caliber. It may take all of your will power to walk away but you need to...unless, he pulls you to him, ok?

I can't guarantee, this will work to get him back but you will know where you stand. If you walk away because he let you, it will instantly be seen that you have not behaved as you did when he had you leave before, right? It will make him think, if he really loves you. If he does not love you and I truly wish for this to work for you, you will have walked away with your held high, done your part to make it right and not leave a bad taste in his mouth. You must then move on but you will have grown from it. Stand up, you are a diamond!




Definition of a Bitch and or Bitch Belt
*I want you to wear one of Aunt B's Bitch Belts. It is a figurative term I want you to take to heart. The kind of Bitch I'm talking about is not what some people think or understand. I'm talking about a new breed of woman/young woman, that is not passive and not aggressive. No, she is ASSERTIVE. In todays world, we've, as women, had to adapt and wear many hats, that of woman first, then wife and mother. I am not talking about feminist issues or "I am woman, hear me roar." But a woman who juggles all this and does it well, especially in the work place, is often called a "Bitch." I'm wearing that label like a designer pair of Jimmy Choo shoes or a Ann Taylor suit with a Dolce Gabbana purse. Get my drift? We're not putting out cause some guy thinks a date defines a sexual escapade. We're the new woman and we're standing proud. We're pedigree without the pretentiousness. The 2007 version of Bitch, says what she means, means what she says and tries to not say it too mean. She's a good woman who commands respect, owns her virtue and pursues happiness, not at any one else's expense. She states her needs and is reasonable, level headed and even keeled. She is fair and treats others as she wants to be treated. She also understands what a good man is; he's a fella that respects her as his equal, in all things. Just as she understands it takes two to tango, that a marriage is an equal partnership and endeavor and love is nurtured only by the best of friends, he embraces the physical differences between you. One can not function in all things without the other. This is new school and all bets are off. If you want to be successful in life, you'll stand by your values, not bend or break and you sure won't give into the sexual advances for the sake of a date.

This is a comment, I had given to a dear Sister in the same crisis. This aptly applies to you, too;
I think getting it off your chest is the first step and I see you are doing that. Now, the second is to remember,"Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord your God." I want you to begin a vigilant prayer, that God handle this situation. You ask him for strength and comfort. You ask him for wisdom to understand and to use it to help others, as you are trying to do. You will begin the healing once you can..."Let Go and Let God."
You do no good to yourself or anyone else with your anger. You allow him to have power over you still. You ask God to take away this animosity and you ask Him to do what you can not. Every single time you feel this anger, you must turn to God in prayer and ask Him to help you get through this and to help you let go of this anger. It is not healthy to be so angry in a situation where your hands are tied. It can and will eat you alive. Take back control of you, take back your power and then hand it to God. Every waking, angry moment, you get yourself into prayer, conversation with God. He will see you through the fire. I will also pray for you. I understand how you feel. I have been through it myself. There's not much else you can do than this, to break a spirit. Don't let this break you. Don't give him this. Let go and let God.



This is an Update from the author of the letter to me, her comment...

WOW.... wow! That's all I can say right now! Thank you so much for replying! Reading this has been such an awaking experience for me; even though so much has happened since the time I wrote this! OK so I'll start at the beginning:

I've gone to theraphy 3 times now; so much has come back to me. I lost years of my childhood that I absolutely don't remember, but things are coming back. I'm remembering more details about what happened. I know it's a little weird for me to say this but it makes me feel good. This person not only took my virginity from me but he tried to take more! I wanted to take my own life, twice. Once when I was 9 years old, and something told me to "STOP!". I had a razor against my wrist and something told me that there was someone who was struggling just as much as I was, and finding out more about Cody's childhood (he was beaten a lot as a kid) I think he was it. And the second time I was older, 16 I think. I was just so sick of being in my own skin. I was sick of beating myself up. I hated myself. I remember taking a bottle of Tylenole PM from under my mom's sink when my parents went out; I remember opening the bottle and taking two pills out, about to take out a third when Cody called me. He saved my life that night, and I never told him.

And even though I tried to believe him when he told me I was beautiful I didn't believe him; but now I do! I am beautiful, brave, intellegent- I am becoming everything I wanted myself to be. I'm not completly there yet but I'm on my way. I've also been doing a lot of praying. I gave myself to the Lord that day in church, I've been healing both mentally and spirtiually- and I have never felt better. All that hurt that I had, all those bad feelings about myself..... gone. I know that might sound a little werid, and honestly I was afraid to give myself to the Lord. I was afraid because I knew that if I did I would have to deal with the issue of my rape, and I didn't want too. I've never really had a close relationship with my Dad either, and going to church more has taught me that I associated my relationship with my own father with that of the heavenly Father. I've been giving so much to the Lord, and I've realized that the more I give- the more I get back.

And you know what? Thing have been coming together with Cody too! He's called me! We even went out for a run, and lunch too. He's been seeing change in me. We've talked more and more about religion, about God, and about the world around us. He starting to look at me the same way again. Even though I know we can only be friends right now... I know that as time passes its going to grow more and more into something else. Yes, our relationship with never be the same. It can't ever be the same: but it can be so much better, and I believe that. And I know he's scared that I'll turn into that dependancy monster- but that can't ever happen, I'm healing both sides of me. That scared girl who thought she was nothing is dead. I am strong, I am beautiful, and I am alive!

One day when I was praying, just having a quiet moment on my way back to my dorm I had this angel whisper: "Instead of trying to be the woman of Cody's dreams, why don't you become the woman of yours? You never know, it could be the same person!" I've been living by that ever since. It's been amazing!

I've begun to tell more people about what happened to me, and the more people I tell the more I'm finding out that the same thing happened to them. I actually wrote about it on myspace and I've had so many people tell me that they were shocked and so proud of me that I'm getting help. I found out that one of my best friends in elementary school experienced the same thing; and I never knew! She was always so happy! It just makes me so angry. And it's never going to stop. More and more children will be victimized. It sickens me!

Another thing that came to me when I was praying what I wanted to do with my life. I've always wanted to be a writer. Always, but I never had time to write. I took writing classes at school but when we had to write about myself, I couldn't. I've realized that God wants me to write about my story. It's going to be hard and a long process but I know on order to help people I have to do this. Church has opened my eyes even more to things I didn't realize. For instance... there's a saying in the Bible, something like what Satan uses for bad, God can turn into good, and I think writing about will help that. And if anyone wants to say that God doesn't exhist... look at me. I'm not supposed to be here. I survived something that was supposed to take me out, and I'm still here. I am still here. People may abandon me- but the Lord never will.

Speaking of which.... Easter. The more time that passes, the more I pray, I'm realizing it would be a good time to talk to him. The fact that he's been wanting to do more stuff with me I've realized that it would be okay to talk to him. But I must make sure and mention first that I don't want to kickstart our relationship because he's not ready for it and neither am I. I'm still learning more about myself. And the more I learn- the more I find out I'm a wonderful person. And as more time passes I've realized that yes, there could be another person out there for me. Even though Cody has answered so many prayers for me.... I've realized that there could be someone else. But at the same time God is telling me that this summer is going to be amazing for the both of us. Things aren't over between us, after 5 years- I mean come on! And no matter what happens I know that we'll still at least be friends, and I'll be absolutely golden no matter what happens. I don't know whats in store for my future, and honestly I'm not scared. But I know it's going to be amazing.... but summer... that I'll have to leave for another update!

Thank you so much again Aunt B. for your advice!

God Bless!

A******