Sunday, October 12, 2008

Try On That High Heel

Dear Aunt B,

Hi, I hope things are well with you. My question is, I have been living with this man for 2 years and I love him so very much, he is 54 and I am 45. He had a child out of wedlock years ago she is now 21. She lives a few states away. He had carried on a relationship with her mother and I believe her mother still loves him. He wants to go visit his daughter, by himself, who lives with her mother. Incidently the daughter has never accepted me or really has been given a chance because he said that he didnt want to damage their relationship (she has always wanted them to get together). He also has 2 other children with his last exwife. They love me and we get along very well and I love them. Am I wrong in thinking that I should not be left out of this relationship. In the past he has stayed at their house overnight. I feel if you live with someone its not just dating. If you feel I am correct please tell me what I might say to him to make him understand. Thank you so much for your time

Dear M*******,

Seems that you have three parts to your question:

  1. Should you be left out of the relationship with your boyfriend’s daughter?
  2. Should you be worried that he is going to visit them alone?
  3. Should you say anything to him, and if so what?

So I will try my best to answer these (and if I am wrong, please let me know. But this is what it sounds like you are asking).

1 – Relationships with kids and parents are very tricky indeed. But all in all, if he has made his choice (which is to be with you) then he should be man enough to support you (his choice) and be with you regardless of what his daughter thinks. I don’t think that you should be “left out” of the relationship, because the relationship is between the two of you, not his daughter. The relationship that you have with his daughter may not be the best situation, but she is an adult and needs to make her own mind up about that.

2 – Now, I don’t want this to sound the wrong way… but you believe that the mother still loves your boyfriend. What does that have to do with him? Can you trust him? Do you feel that you should be there to guard your relationship? This is stuff which is all about you… not her. Having said that, I personally wouldn’t let him go alone. But I am the type of woman who believes that you take your significant other with you to significant things… like seeing your daughter or going on trips, regardless on if the Ex was there or not. But if you haven’t had a problem with this with other trips that he has taken, then the problem lays with the trust, and that is a problem bigger then this question.

3 – I can understand that you do not want to be shut out of this relationship and want to make it work. So when you are talking to him, make sure that you are relaying that exact message and that you really want the two of you to have a shot at living a good life, and she is an important part of his life. Stress how important it is to you that the things that are important to him are important to you, and that you don’t want this to come between you. That you want to be able to have a relationship with his daughter, she is an adult now, and by keeping you from her it only enables her hatred of you.

Things I would make sure of before you enter that conversation though, is if you have trust issues with him going alone and that is why you are truly upset. Because if you go into the conversation with the “I want a relationship with your daughter” speech and there is no truth to it, the conversation will soon unravel and you will end up in an argument. A very big argument.

Just be truthful and talk to him about what it is you want and fear. This should be something that the two of you can discuss.

I hope things work out for you, and for the family.


Dear M*******,

Some of us, for some reason are not able to put things into perspective. This is often true with men, in particular. While they can be brilliant, they often do not have common sense in certain situations. This is why God made woman...

You must simply put all this in terms that he can understand. Break it all down, each and every point you need to make. The good ol', "Put the shoe on the other foot," situation.

I would start by explaining to him, if the tables were turned, in each given situation, how would he feel? Would any of this bother him? Would he feel the same way, if it were you going to visit your ex and so on and so on.

Yes, just simplify the obvious and it's quite possible he'll be able to try on that high heel.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

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