Saturday, October 4, 2008

Emotional Blackmail

Dear Aunt Babz,

I have visited your site and really appreciate your service.

I have a real bad life problem.
I am now married for the second time. I have 2 children who I am close to from my previous marriage ages 16 and 11, that live 1500 miles away. I have a 14 month old baby with my new wife, her second marriage also.

This past spring my daughter asked to come live with my wife and I and my wife and her Mom agreed. We have her in a nice school and she is doing well. My wife told me that she doesn't want to live with my daughter any longer and need to send her back to her mother or she wants a divorce. She feels my daughter is too clingy, and I do not agree that she is that bad.

My wife is a very jealous person. She has an older son (9) that lives with us and I have to put up with a lot. She says that I knew that when I married her.

My daughter is oblivious to the situation and loves her new school and living around us. I have recently moved out with and got an apartment with my daughter. She is wealthy, so financially she is taken care of. I am tempted to now put myself aside and move back closer to my children from my previous marriage and when my daughter goes to college move back here and take care of my other daughter that will then be 7 years old. Do you think I am doing the right thing? I don't know if I should stick it out for the good of my youngest daughter. I am completely torn over this and do not know what the right thing is.

Thank you in advance.


Dear Dave,

First, before I get into anything else here thank you for being a good dad to your kids. Choosing to stick by your daughter instead of your second wife is something she will never forget, and regardless on if she knows of the full situation she will later reflect on this and figure out how hard that was for you.
I can’t say weather moving or not moving would make your situation any better or worse for the kids involved. I wish I could, but this decision has to come from you, you know the situation a lot better than I do and you will know what can be done. I can say that from what you have written, if this were me, I would not move. You have said that your daughter is enrolled in a great school and she is excelling. Your other child (sorry you didn’t say boy or girl) has the choice (I assume) to move in with you if he should choose but is staying with your first wife. Your second daughter isn’t old enough to voice an opinion, but as a baby requires a lot more attention on your part. So, given that, I would stay put because that seems like the logical step and better for the kids right now. This is just my opinion (to stay where you are) but really why would you pull your daughter from a good school and her “new” life and disrupt the life of the baby when you don’t have too. You obviously thought about the decision to bring your daughter to live with you and considered her being away from her sibling and mom before doing this. Now I feel the best run of course is to make good on that course, and let your daughter finish her schooling there. Of course this can change with the dynamics of your relationships to the mothers. But in all seriousness, you owe it to your kids to be a good father. And this is what you are trying to do under hard circumstances. I hope that what ever you choose that you still remain close to your children. I know this must be a very difficult situation and it is apparent that you love all of your kids.

Good Luck,

~Xmichra~ Dear Dave,

It's extremely disheartening to hear that your wife wants a divorce if she doesn't get her way. That's what it boils down to; Emotional Blackmail. It's wrong and I find myself on the defensive fence because of it.

I've stated in past posts, that things that go on in our marriage can only be or happen if we allow it. What I'm referring to is the simple fact that sometimes you must stand your ground and state what you will permit and what you will not tolerate. I will say it again,

"In this life, while it is very important for people to know what we stand for, quite often it is equally important for them to know, without a doubt, exactly what we will not stand for."

I know it takes all kinds to make this world go round; the good, the bad and the ugly. I'm just trying to ascertain which category to place your wife in? I'm having real difficulty with a woman who would place you between a rock and a hard place because your child is too clingy? It all actually burns my butt and I'm having to work at staying objective here.

Since I am a proponent, a true advocate of marriage and have firm *beliefs that marriage should be taken seriously, I will suggest that you both go to counseling.

The reality of all this is that your first reaction to this scenario would, of course be anger. The next would probably be the emotions involved, that you felt, as you walked out the door, moving into a new apartment. The natural reaction would be to run like hell, dragging your daughter away from that wicked step-mother of hers. But what is the answer here?

I think you must stand up to your wife. I think you need to tell her exactly how you feel and insist on what you will and will not tolerate. Her behavior is that of a bully and you allowed it.

I realize there are always three sides to every story;

"Yours, Hers and the cold hard facts."

So, I do and will welcome her to write me and explain how and why she would think it's a legitimate thing to do, basically kicking your daughter to the curb, figuratively speaking, of course. I think it is very unfair for your wife to place you in such a position, which is exactly what she has done, where you have to choose between her or your own daughter.
I know which I would choose...

My last suggestion is for you to copy and print this post, mail it to her and then she'll see that, we're calling her on the carpet over this one. She can't/won't get away with this
without all the world being able to see her for just what she is; selfish and unscrupulous.

Bada Bing Bada Boom!

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

*I truly believe that all things happen for a reason. I do not believe in luck, coincidence or magic but only Divine Destiny. As well, I also believe that every single person we meet is placed there in our own Divine Destiny, a destiny/plan/map that God alone has placed us in our journey through this life. We meet and marry because God has placed this person in our lives for a reason.

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