Monday, October 20, 2008
Slice of Guilt Pie
Dear Aunt B.,
I am writing to you seeking advice on two different guys. The first one is a guy that I work with who I will refer to as Mr. A...He is 29 and has 3 kids (I'm 18 with no children) and a while ago he asked for my number and told me he liked me and stuff.....Well after we had been talking for a while he told me that I shouldn't get too attached because he's too old for me, but he wouldn't mind if we fooled around! After that little hint I just tried to back off and let things go, because I'm not that type of girl........However, about a week ago a friend of mine introduced me to this other guy who is 19 and childless, who I will call Mr. R.......we hit it off really well at first and he asked me out on a date. Well Mr. A called me that night and one of my sisters told him I was on a date.....so later that night at around 3 AM he starts texting and calling me saying that he really does want to date me but he doesn't want to put all his baggage on my shoulders!!! So he asked me out on a date and I told him I'd let him know later in the week........two days later he saw my older sister at her job and asked her out on a date!!!!!!! I don't know if i really have the right to be as upset as I really am, because it's not like he's my boyfriend or anything, but to go after my sister was just plain cruel!!! At this point I don't know if I should avoid him at work or just be cordial with him...because I know if he wanted to he could make me miserable at work!
Now the second guy, Mr. R is really sweet and very respectful, but the problem is that his ex dumped him a little over a week ago and she seems to come up in almost all of our conversations!!!! It gets pretty uncomfortable, but I almost feel like it would be rude to say something about it.....I really like him, but I don't know if or how I can help him get over his ex!
ANY advice would be GREATLY appreciated!!!
Dear Hopelessly Romantic,
Okay, I will answer in the realm of the two guys. #1 is the 29 w kids, #2 is the 19 without kids.
Bachelor #1 – does have baggage. But even more so you work with him (and if you work FOR him, this is very much harassment) and as a general rule of thumb it’s a good idea to not date people you work with for this exact reason. At any rate, he is 10 years older then you and has responsibilities that you have no experience with yet. He will have bills, credit, possibly a mortgage, and kids to deal with. You do not have any of those things yet, and at 18 you have a lot of time to think about getting to that point in your life. So definitely slow down.
How to deal with #2 – tell him that you don’t think that it is a good idea to get involved with people you work with. Explain that you want to stay friends, and even if it wasn’t for the work thing you are simply not ready to deal with three kids and all the responsibilities that he has. If he is a complete asshole, he will make your life difficult anyways. But if he really is a good guy he will realize that you are just trying to be honest about the situation and don’t want anyone getting hurt.
Bachelor #2 – this guy was JUST dumped. It wasn’t his choice (hence the term dumped) so he’s likely to feel hurt still. How long him and his ex dated will affect how long he will feel sorta bad too... I mean if it was like a month long thing then I am sure he will snap out of it rather fast and he just needs to deal with the dumping part (no one likes to be rejected) but if it was like a year relationship it’s going to take some time. He is vulnerable and leery, as you would be. So give him some time to get over the ex and the ex dumping him. But you can always say something encouraging swaying how he talks with you about his ex. saying something like “I know that you were hurt, but I am not her. And I was thinking it might be a positive thing right now if we could focus on having a good time, maybe it would help you get over the loss.” See how something like that goes over. If he is totally depressed then he will blow you off... so be careful not to sound like you are being defensive of your own qualities or that you are making the ex sound like a bitch. He may still have feelings for her, and that is understandable.
Hope that did you some good!
Dear Hopelessly Romantic,
In case you've not read it here, some of my other posts, I'll inform you that I have what I like to call the gift of Intuition, ok? I got the Willy's when I read about this guy that asked your sister out. For some reason, I think he's nothing but trouble and yes, you should just steer clear of him. Tell your Sis not to go out with him either, alright?
You have that dude at a clear disadvantage though and I'd use it if need be. If he approaches you again, you simply/calmly tell him that you'd thought about going out with him till he went behind your back and asked your sister out. You tell him that it was rather hurtful and you walk away. Leave him with a slice of guilt pie which may very well cause him to feel badly enough to leave you alone. Hopefully, huh?
Even if Mr. A has the ability to make your life a living hell at work, you also have a trump card up your sleeve. There are unwritten rules governing this universe and he has to know that he broke a major one. Only an idiot could say they didn't know that you don't ask out a family member or best friend of a girl/guy of someone you may have dated or fed a line to. And yes, Mr. A is full of lines and bullshit. But you already know this, don't you?
The very first time he approaches you, if he even looks at you, you've got to have your game face on and wear your Bitch Belt. I think he did you dirty by doing what he did and I think you have reason to feel upset at his cruel and insensitive game. So, you've got to remember this as well as the fact that you'd done nothing wrong. So, I would use the slice of guilt pie approach as I said before. I truly do not believe that this hurt you but I do know it pissed you off. But I'd make him think that it was hurtful and hope he goes away feeling like the piece of shit that he is.
Concerning Mr. R; It's never a real good idea to date a guy that's just been dumped. There's that good ol' "rebound effect" along with all the other games people play. Even if he has the best of intentions, he may not be able to help talking and feeling all kinds of emotion. He may have just been wounded and might need time to get over this. You might say something like,"You seem to be a bit overwhelmed by your break-up as you keep bringing it up. Do you need time to sort out your feelings?" By saying it like this, it'll look as if you're only bringing up the obvious without actually saying that it bothers you for him to continually speak about her. I know it would bug me but you might need to reason with the fact that he's not really had time to "get over" her.
Keeping It Real,