No More Nagging!!!

Dear Aunt B,

My ex cheated on me & fell out of love with me & didnt tell me till 4 months after. Its effected my relationship now. We've been on & off for nearly 2 years & its all because im so insecure when hes not around me. Hes moved from one place to another because he just cant seem to settle, but now hes settled in scotland (12 hours away from me) hes getting into the police force up there & my daughter & i are wanting to go with him when the training starts as we know then we'll be stable but i just cant seem to stop myself being insecure. Its causing arguments & its ruining our relationship. I do love him & i know he loves me but i cant get rid of the insecurities. I know he talks to girls & i know they're all just friends but its purely cause he gets on better with girls. I sometimes feel like im just a burden on him but the problems go away when im around him & i want to be able to be calm & happy without worrying if he'll cheat when hes not around me! What can i do to help myself get rid of this thing thats killing my mind?

Emma x


Dear Emma x,

My first thought is to tell you to "Let Go and Let God."Just a reminder, okay?

An insecure woman can choke the very life out of a man that, for all intent and purpose is not cheating. And we've got to get you over all this baggage, which of course you are carrying from your prior relationship.

Now look, I've been in your high heels before. I've been burned, fooled around on and know exactly how it feels. It actually made me insane, well, more insane than usual, lol! Those of us who love with such great abandon, fervor and passion, I do believe hurt more deeply when a partner strays.

It is most assuredly the ultimate betrayal, at least in my opinion, when you've invested your heart only to have it stomped on. It makes it extremely hard to focus on anything but the indiscretion not to mention all the mixed emotions and questions you ask of yourself, in example;

• What did I do to deserve this?
• What did I do wrong?
• What could I have done to stop it?
• Is it because I don't turn him on?
• Am I ugly/fat/gross/undeserving/undesirable/not sexy?

Oddly enough, in most situations, all of those questions are absurdly not warranted and basically have nothing to do with the actual crux of the matter. They sure as hell have nothing to do with you and are a personal issue that the man is dealing with. But it's usually a given, if we're willing to admit it, that we have asked ourselves those very questions.


It's been documented that (don't quote me on this) the average man thinks about sex in one form or another every 90 seconds. They're hardwired differently than we are, obviously. (I asked my three sons if they felt this was a valid statement and they agreed that it was) So, the moral of the story is that the faithful man is one that does not act on his urges and is not impulsive.

The Crux

When we get right down to it though, the men that do fool around on a woman they say they love and adore, it's most often because they have self-esteem issues themselves. And what happens is that trollop/whore/slut/good for nothin'/low down dirty dog filled a void, your ex man had. Yes, believe it or not it really has nothing to do with you (and I'm betting on this as I happen to know that are very attractive)

In any relationship, up to and including yours, TRUST is the main gazane . It's a must and if you don't have it, well G-Friend, it creates havoc and chaos in an otherwise good and possibly healthy relationship. I imagine that you already know this...so what to do?

Your trust factor is burned out and you must explain this. At the same time, you'll also have to become aware of your torturous tactics, those which you are punishing your man with, currently. It's not fair to portray your insecurities upon him unless he has done something to make you feel this way. I think you are well aware of this and want to fix it, evidently or you'd have not written me in the first place, eh?

Perspective

Life is, truly, all about perspective. It's all about how we view ourselves as well as others. It's all about our Nouns; persons, places and things, is it not? Yes, you'll have to begin to put things in order, put them back into a healthy perspective. And it begins with trust.

As I said at the start, sometimes you have to let go and let God. It never ever hurts to pray for/about things we have no control over. No, you can't be with your man 24/7 and you can't watch his every move. And if the truth were known, you'll make yourself crazy if you do not stop this way of thinking.

You'll have to begin to show trust and this will only come from a mind state, a realization that even the *Bible tells of the woe and sorrow brought on by a nagging wife. Hush before speaking, think before saying, shut up before accusing.

Furthermore, begin your day, begin this new you, a new regimen;

Sit up, on the edge of your bed and say the word, "STOPS!!!"

Start
To
Overcome
Pain
Sanely

From: The Silent Scream
You were hurt deeply by your ex, NOT your current partner! Cut him a break. Begin anew and start out fresh. No More Nagging!!!

Let me state something before I end this letter; **"What's good for the goose is good for the gander." What I'm implying or referring to is your statement that he gets along better with females. No Ma'am, I don't like it and it's a recipe for disaster. It's is and always will be a really really bad idea. And you can tell him I said so!

It's all fine and dandy to be cordial with the lady friends but anything more than that when he's in a relationship is playing with fire.

If he doesn't agree, then I want to know one thing; **Is it okay for you to have male friends??? I'm betting my ass that he'll say that he doesn't mind but the very minute one of your so called friends were to text you or call on the telly, he's going to go ballistic.

Start over fresh when you go to be with your Policeman. Have a new mind set which is something you'll have to work on. Have your wonderful man read this. I don't know you and you don't know me. This means no harm, no foul as it's not like airing your dirty laundry in public for all to see. What it does mean is that you care enough to seek counsel, you care enough to work on your own emotional baggage. Oh and leave that bag at the Train Station on your way Scotland!!!


Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

*Proverbs 21:9
<<> | Proverbs 21 | Proverbs 22 >>

9 It is better to live in a corner of the housetop
than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.

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Building Blocks

Hi Aunt B! My name is roxxie and im 19 years old..im based in pretoria south africa and i just want closure on a relationship i am in! how do u know wen a man loves u!? my ex boyfriend always breaks up wit me wen we have a fight! he is a very difficult man because he had a terrible childhood! we neva go out and he always wants to stay at home! the last fite we had was when i pretended i was sum 1 else on the phone and i was asking questions because i felt he was cheating on me! he found out it was me and he told me its ova because i shouldnt b so stupid to believe he would cheat on me! he told me to go away becoz we will neve work out! its only been 2 days since the break up and he walks past my shop where i work!! y does he do this to me? do u tink his cheating!? do u tink he loves me but doesnt know how to show it? hes a man full of violence and anger and im a kind loving raring girl and very christian...y does he keep coming back? thanks kind regards roxxie Dear Reader, Dear Roxxie, It sounds like you both need to just let this one go. The primary building block in a relationship is trust and friendship. And from what you have just said, neither of those things are present in this relationship (which is bad coming from a 6 line explanation of this). If you care for someone, you don’t pretend to be another person and bait him or her. That is deception in it’s finest and a horrible game to play on someone you are suppose to trust. You also don’t break up at the first sign of disagreement. That shows lack of respect, which walks hand in hand with friendship. Personally, I would look at this as an opportunity to see the mistakes you have both made and use that knowledge to better future relationships. You are very young, and relationships can be tricky at this age. But being with someone who doesn’t respect you, or you don’t respect him or her, that is a recipe for disaster. Take this as a life lesson of what not to do, and what you are looking for in a relationship and walk away. ~Xmichra~

Woman to Woman

This was sent to Aunt B via email

Dear Aunt B,
Hello, my name is Jessica and I am 22 years old. I really don't know where to start... ok, back in 2004 I joined the US navy and that is where I met my current husband (he was stationed in Virginia and I was stationed in Florida). When we got married we really didn't know a whole lot about each other, just that we were "in love", we got married in July of 2005. 3 weeks later I found out I was pregnant..... come to find out when I was 8 months pregnant my husband came out and told me that he had cheated on me, he apologized, begged for forgiveness, said it would never happen again etc.... after having a serious conversation about our marriage I decided I would forgive him and try to move past the mistake he made. So far our whole marriage we have not lived together due to the military. December of 2006 I got out of the Navy and instead of moving to Virginia with my husband I moved back to my hometown due to our financial situation and moved in with my mother, I thought it would help us save money for awhile and it would be easier to pay off bills. (which we did) Currently I am still with my mother, but my husband and I are talking about moving me and the baby to Virginia this July after my sisters wedding. And this is a big problem for my mother, she tells me she believes that he is still cheating on me, and that he has never stopped, she is afraid that I am going to move there and find out for myself that he is cheating and then not have enough money to move back home, and that she can't afford to move me back if I have to. Umm, this is really a big fight between my mother and I, a constant battle. To me it would only make sense, that if my husband did not want to be married to me that it would be 10 times easier for him to tell me over the phone that he wants a divorce then to tell me to my face... on the other hand my mother thinks that he is avoiding divorce because he doesn't want to have to pay child support. All I hear from my mother is negative comments over and over and over.... and really its just driving me insane. My gut feeling tells me that he is not cheating on me and that I trust him. I'll admit that every once and while I think about it... the "what if" questions tend to pop into my mind sometimes. But if he was with another woman and didn't want to be with me, why would he want to plan to move me to Virginia?? That just wouldn't make sense to me. So my question is, what do I do?!?!?! The only thing that would please my mother is if I divorce him, she thinks he is no good. But I don't want to live life to please my mother..... I have to think about myself. Right? Just any advice about this whole situation would be great..... Thank you for your time.



Dear Jessica,

While I feel it is important for a woman to respect her Mother, note that I used the word "woman." I truly feel for your situation and my gut instincts tell me, if he was truly about cheating, he wouldn't want you to move to Virginia. That would be stupid on his part, now wouldn't it? In addition, you will always hear me, rather, see me write that we must pay attention to our gut instincts. Yours, has told you that he is faithful. He obviously loves you or he'd make excuses why you should stay with Mom. That would be the easy way out, right? While we can't know what tomorrow brings, your place is with your husband. If you stay with Mom and never dip your toe in, to test the water, you'll never know or have the chance at a happy marriage. If nothing else, you must consider, that your child may need his/her father. I do believe that children need both parents, unless it makes complete and utter warfare. That scenario, is never good for the child. But where there is love, there is a happy child.

I imagine, in this case, you had to tell Mom, why you were moving home. Let this be a lesson for you, as well as the countless couples out there, that you never tell Mama. I wrote about it here. As you see, this is a textbook case, of you forgiving your husband but Mom can't. He hurt her baby and she wants nothing more to do with him. This puts a strain on you and your mothers relationship. Live and learn, as I did!
I think that your rightful place is with your husband. If you two are to make a go of it, moving to Virginia is the answer. But how do we get Mom, to see this?

Perspective

You may have to dig and think of an incident, where your Mother was hurt by someone and she forgave them. Why do I have the feeling that your Father is not in the picture? If he is, in the picture, surely, there is something he did, through the years, to hurt your mother. They say that Love is Never Having to Say You're Sorry (Love Story 1970's) I don't know about you but there are countless times where I was hurt and I hurt someone else. It may not have been on a grand scale but find something that was done, to make your point. Then, you show Mom, how when this person apologized to her, for the harm they had done, she accepted it. But what if you had not? What if you had held a grudge and made things difficult?
You must point out, how it would feel, if you refused to let go of what was done to her, which of course, would makes things rather difficult.

I think Mom is only trying to look out for your welfare and suffice it to say, she means no harm. Just like most Mom's, she doesn't want her child to hurt or to be hurt and wants to protect you. But you are a woman, no longer a little girl and you may have to point this out. She may have to realize that she needs to respect your wishes and put her feelings aside for the betterment of your marriage.

A man shall leave his mother, a woman shall leave her home. When you marry a man, he becomes your family. Unless he is actually hurting you, your place is in that home. You must point out to Mom, that your rightful place is with your husband and you must try for the sake of your child, as well. Maybe ask Mom, what it is, the real reason, why she has such disdain for your husband. If it was because he fooled around, she must understand that it is your decision to forgive him and out of respect, she should try to put her feelings aside and try to understand that you love your husband dearly and you want it to work.

You sit Mom down, have some coffee and tell her that you want to speak to her woman to woman, not mother and daughter. This will set the stage for a capsuled scenario of understanding and outlook. You also state that you do not want to argue or upset her, you simply want to talk. You would appreciate an audience with her that is not filled with angry thoughts or words, just woman to woman.
You then tell her that, you want, you need, her blessings and understanding. It is eating you up, the fact that you want to be with your husband and she can't stand the idea. You tell her, you would hope she could find it in her heart to forgive him, for the sake of your child as well as yourself. You say that you must give this a chance but you must have her blessings. You can't stand the thought that this would upset her, as you respect her, love her and never want to hurt her. You can point out that if we never forgave people, the world would stop and in your little world, it is falling apart. While you understand and respect her feelings, you would ask that she respect and try to understand yours and the love that you have for your husband. It is then, that you point out, that you are going into this, with your eyes wide open. You will not be stupid, you will be on your toes, concerning, if he has impropriety on his mind. You will also stash some money, a "Just in Case" fund. You ask Mom, to please try and understand, try to see how being away from your husband and her animosity towards him, is more than you can bear. Can she find it in her heart, possibly, to forgive?

Put on Aunt B's Bitch Belt

You will then make your husband, more than aware of the fact that, this has torn you and your family apart. You will not stand for any monkey business and if he's not serious, he needs to say so and go on with his life, minus yours. You tell him that a true man is about honesty and if you do not make him happy, he must say so. Say something before you go out there, with fooling around on your mind. Point out to him, that you are done crucifying him for what he has done, you choose to forgive him. It is only because you do have undying love for him, that you are able to forgive him. It does not mean that he got away with it and you will never be gullible again. Then, you ask him, how would he feel, if you had done that to him? Would he forgive you? Would he trust you and would his own mother, forgive you? Perspective. You must let him know that if he hurts you again, you will not be as nice and you will do your damnedest to make his life a living hell. Let his imagination ponder that and never tell him what you are talking about, just let him know that it is not an idle threat but an extremely calculated and well thought plan. Keep him on his toes, make him think!

Further reading Click Here


Ms.Babs,
First I want to say thank you so much for your reply! It was VERY helpful in making my decision. And you knew EXACTLY what I was talking about. And you were also right about how my father is NOT in the picture, my parents were divorced when I was 5 because my mom CAUGHT HIM CHEATING on her. And I feel that this is another reason why my mom holds such a big grudge against my husband, because it was done to her too. I have already discussed with my husband if he is to do it again to me, how I will not be as nice this time as I was the last. He said that he knows that and that he isn't trying to "get rid of me". So we'll see how things go. As for sitting down and talking to my mom "woman-to-woman", I really don't know if I should do that, I am afraid that it will not go well and its going to turn into another one of her "Shes right and I'm wrong" arguments. I really don't know how to approach that part of the "process". But I will keep in touch and let you know how everything goes! Thank you for taking the time to write me back!

Very Respectfully,
Jessica



My Dearest Jessica,
In the event of being completely wrong and looking like a total ass, I omitted my real feelings about Mom. But I was right and I knew she'd been burned. She just doesn't want you to go through what she went through. She may very well be right but I think putting the fear of God into a man and stating the facts does work. It worked for me. I let him know that at any point in the game, if I did not trip his trigger any longer, he was free to go and the hell with how he thought I might feel about it. I also pointed out just how ugly it would get and I could not be held accountable for my actions, were he to fool around on me again. I do not believe he ever did. I stayed on my toes and I kept him on his. I did not give him free reign to behave as if he was or act like he was single. I pointed out that what was good for the goose, is twice as tasty for the gander and if he wanted to go out with his buddies, his single buddies, then he wouldn't mind if I did? Then, he could sit at home with the kids and wonder just what the hell I was up to? I thoroughly enjoyed that feeling as I did follow through with putting him in my shoes. His approach changed. A guys mentality can, when he's out with his single buddies, be as if he were single and he wants to act like his friends, right? He places himself in the "Strike Zone." That's where chicks hit on him and he becomes vulnerable, especially after he's been drinking. An innocent dance turns into going home with the girl. Then, it was regretful behavior. Knowing the nature of the hunter, we must never be stupid, gullible or willing to allow our men to place themselves in the strike zone. You just have to make him think. Most of all, if a man thinks he can get away with it, there's a damn good chance, he'll try it. It's the same with crime. If you want to deter it, their has to be real civil penalty. There will be serious repercussions for his behavior. The best part is to keep them guessing, wondering. Their own imagination will do the trick, you just plant the magic seed.

I feel, eventually, you are going to have to deal with Mom. Even though this may be so uncomfortable to have to approach, you will have to do it or stand the heat of the bad feelings you create. ( 9 times out of 10, I tell people to write their feelings down, in the form of a letter.)
Tell Mom, that you realize she's only trying to protect you from what she went through. You know she means no harm. But you must give your marriage a try, for the sake of your child and for the sake of happiness. You let her know that you have your sense and sensibilities in check and you are aware of things and their potential. But you love him and you have forgiven him. Forgiven but not forgotten and you ask her if she could find it in her heart to give you her blessings, so you may have this chance at happiness? It's time for her to let her baby bird fly again.
ohmibod

Wild Horses

Thursday, February 01, 2007

This was sent to Aunt B via email


Hi Aunt B,

I've been having this issue with a co-worker. I've worked at this bar for 2 years now and have worked with him the whole time. After about 6 months he started kinda flirting with me, nothing to take to heart. I would just catch him staring at me a lot and he would make little comments about sex, the kind of talk you would expect in a bar environment. I knew he had a girlfriend that wasn't very nice, she came into work all the time and would start screaming at him then they would go outside. I'm not sure what they fight about and it was really none of my business. However I have seen him on a few occasions taking someone other then his GF home after we closed. So after a few months of him flirting with me I got drunk and told him I liked him. Actually I told him "I was going to hump him someday" Gosh what a pickup line uh. lol Anyway I'm pretty sure he got the picture. Then my friend was talking to him and he said he had a GF and I though ya know thats cool. I've seen him cheat on her but perhaps he was letting my down easy and just didn't like me. So things we awkward for a lil bit but we got over it. That was last July. So then we started talking again, and once again he started flirting with me. Like when he would put limes in a beer he would move them in and out in a seductive way and when I look up at him he stares straight into my eyes with those "I want you" eyes. He calls me "My Love" and hugs me all the time. We are just really extra sweet to each other constantly and I really really like him. After all this time he still make my heart skip a beat, and I cant sleep at night, I think about him all the time and his hugs make all the problems in the world just disappear. Did I mention he is smokin hot, with beautiful blue eyes. lol I'm pretty sure all we would have is a one night stand, but I think we would be a great couple, but I'd settle for anything from him. So after all this time of us playing around nothing is happening. He is still with his GF, and we still flirt horribly. Am I just reading him wrong? He doesn't act that way to the rest of the girls. Pretty sure he knows I still like him. Do you think he is just playing me so I keep taking good care of him when we work? Should I just stop flirting so much and move on or try harder to get him? I would hate to always wonder what if. How is it possible for a guy to break my heart and we never even dated.

Lonely and Confused in

South Dakota


Aunt B said...

Dear Lonely and Confused,

My first reaction is, to live like you were dying. But after careful thought, I would not tell you that. I realize he is hot and I sure remember that, "take my breath away" feeling. I want you to consider one thing; if he has a girlfriend, already and behaves as he does, what makes you think he would not do this to you? Would you be setting yourself up, for a hurtful scenario? Obviously he's a Playboy. Now, you may be the exception to the rule but please process this, look, listen and watch. His track record shows that he is not loyal and trust worthy, is he? If a guy already has this "fool around" mentality, it is not easy to change short of threatening his life. That worked for me but not before a lot of heartache, seriously. No, he must not be happy in his relationship. But why does he stay in it? Is he using her? She's obviously a bitch but he stays with her and just fools around. Why is this? There's always a motive. Maybe she offers stability. Maybe, she's a bitch because she's got an idea that he is so flirtatious? Regardless, the fact of the matter is that he stays with her and if they're not married, he's not obligated. So, why does he behave this way? I'll tell you why; because he can and will.

Flip the Script

The other side of the coin is this; I am a true believer in what comes around, goes around. I am on a first name basis with.... Mz.Karma Bitchslap, we go way back. We met on bad terms and she whipped my ass. But now, for the most part, we're the best of friends. I tell you this for one reason; Karma. You know he's in a relationship, even if it is floundering and he claims to be unhappy. Only do what you want done to you in return, ok? If you want to know the pain of being fooled around on, go ahead but if you have scruples, you'll think this one through.

Solution

You can completely ignore him or you can begin a master plan. If you are really interested and you know he is not happy and you do want to pursue him, you need a nice warm cup of steaming passion and honesty. If he gets close enough and you know he is really flirting, on a serious level, you talk to him. With all the passion you can muster, you look your best, look him in the eyes and tell him the truth. That you know he is with somebody and for that reason, you will not go out with him. Then, you tell him that if he ever decides to be nice and play fair, to look you up. You may get a mixed emotional reaction but it will hit home. Don't fall prey to his games. Don't allow him to play you. No, I want you to play him and take charge. If he's really interested, he'll clean his nasty ass ways up, think about how much he'll respect you because you are not a pushover. He just might realize that you are the one filly, he couldn't break. Wild horses, girlfriend. Remember, when you walk away from him, after your little conversation, I want you, to strut your shit, ya hear. Leave him looking at what could be, on your terms. One last thing; if I never hear from you again I want you to remember one thing...never be stupid when it comes to your man. If you've seen him in action, don't ever underestimate his ability to hurt you. Trust is one thing, stupidity is another, meaning, you never feed your man to the she-wolves. Don't leave him unattended. Meet his sexual needs, keep your appearance up and try to maintain the spark. If you do all this, he should not have to shop any where else, right?
I wish you the best in this endeavor Feel free to email me, if I can chat with you again. Keep me abreast as to the outcome, please.

Big Love,

Aunt B