Bluff Backfired

Dear Aunt B,

My best friend and I have recently hit a huge pothole in our friendship. It started because her fiance cheated on her and I supported her. I let her cry on my shoulder and listened to her. Well, her and her fiance are still going to get married and I told her I didn't feel comfortable being her Maid Of Honor anymore. He treated her so badly and it's not the first time he cheated on a girlfriend. Ever since I made that statement things have gone downhill quickly. We have been getting into huge fights and we had a big blowout the other day and now no longer speak to each other. I feel really bad, but she has changed so much and she will have her wedding no matter what. I just wanted to be her friend and be honest. We are no longer friends and it bothers me but she is no longer bothered by it. She now feels she can continue her life without me and I was no bog loss. Should I try to apologize for something I don't think I'm to blame for or should I just give it time for me to get over it? Please help!!! I'm lost!! Thanks!

Ex-Best Friend



Dear Ex Friend,

Your bluff backfired, huh? What a damn shame, the whole situation, really. I'll get back to the meaning of the title, ok?

I'll be 50 in February and I must say, I've learned a few things along this journey, my life. I tell my own kids and grandkids, "If you don't want me to hold a grudge, don't tell me stuff about what your girlfriends, wives or husband has done wrong, that is unless you want me to play hardball."

What I mean by this is for starters, you never run home to Mama and tell the kind of bad things that I will find it hard to forgive but you can. As well, you never ever tell a girlfriend anything she might not be able to forgive of your significant or husband. Same principle, different game that's all.

Now, the game you played, for lack of better words, as I said it backfired. You laid out the rules, the terms of the game in somewhat of a bluff. I imagine that you figured your girlfriend would see just how serious you were and you felt you were playing hardball for her welfare, out of caring as girlfriends do.

She might be quite crazy and one of those women that has to learn things the hard way but your girlfriend forgave her man while you could not. If she gets burned, it's on her, is it not? Although you may cringe and shake your head, it will not actually affect you.

You took a stand because you cared so deeply. But your principles and morals can not be projected on her. As well, it is her life and she must live it. The role of a true girlfriend is to stand by her good friend come hell or high water.

Now, here's the clincher; you may very well be right and this guy could be a schmuck. Statistics do show that a man that fools around, will often do it again. But I have seen love prevail as well as a good woman who makes it real well known that she'll not tolerate a man who fools around on her. He won't live to tell...

How do I know that? I was one of those women and I assure you he never messed on me again. He was still a schmuck and I ultimately left him after 19+ years but I guaran damn tee ya it was not because he fooled around.

So, what can we learn, what can we do here? I think you'll have to find it in your heart, some way, some how to remember what girlfriends are really all about. This is my very own creed, I hope you will laugh with me;

Babz' Girlfriends Creed

I'll jump through fiery hoops to help you,
I'll pick up the pieces he's left behind,
I'll cry with you and wipe your snotty nose,
I'll eat M & M's and Ice Cream with you if it helps,
I'll answer the phone at 4am and swear like a seasoned Sailor with you,
I'll drive around half the night till we find him,
I'll help you bury the body...

Then, I'll let you borrow my new lipstick, you know just to shine up!

Find forgiveness. Forgive her for being angry at you. Forgive her for loving him.


Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

"Even the most brilliant minds, may have troubled Souls"

Pull Off That Band-Aid

Dear Aunt B,

Recently i have just broken up with my boyfriend of 7 months.Now, 2 months later, i find myself hooking up with him every weekend. My friend who is really good friends with my ex talked to him about this and he says he still really loves me he just didnt like it when we were going out and i dont know why. i dont think i can take much more of this hooking up and knowing that he is not mine anymore and could do this with other girls. i want him back so badly but just dont know how to do it. should i confront him with what i think and tell him how i feel or should i just sit back and wait and let him come to me?
Please help i really hate feeling so hurt

Truly Yours,
Gabrielle


Dear Reader,

You've heard the old expression, "Why pay for the cow when you get the milk free," right? Now of course, that's a really old expression but it just goes to show you that guys are similar, if not the same, since the beginning of time. Yes, they may have evolved to a certain extent but for the most part, a guy's gonna do whatever he's allowed to do. Meaning, he'll try anything so as to not have to commit if he can get the milk for free.

Yes, I do believe he does care for you, don't get me wrong. He is and will only do what you let him. Now, you've got a stuck feeling, don't you? Meaning, right now, you'll settle because you're not ready to just let him go. If you demand that he commit, you think he'll run, huh? So, you go on just like it is. Oh and you can bet it will not get any better but will only get worse, mark my words.

See, you've given him license to do whatever he wants, even if you didn't realize it. Yep, he can date other girls, fool around here, fool around there or if things don't work out with this chick or that one, he knows he won't be lonely cause there you are, the loyal ex girlfriend. Right now, he's got the very best of both worlds and it will stay that way till hell freezes over...unless you change it.

Deal now or deal later but you will have to deal. Pull Off That Band-Aid now, once and for all. Take a stand and one of two things will happen; Either your boyfriend will be yours or he never was in the first place. But you have got to lay the down the law or he will continue to disrespect you, I guarantee it.

You can bet I know how uncomfortable you are. On one hand you're afraid to say anything lest he wants nothing to do with you and you get nothing. But seriously, G-Friend, you've got nothing now, if your guy doesn't respect you enough to commit. Capish?

It might hurt, to tell him that you no longer want to see him in the manner or the way things are right now but in the long run, you'll gain your boyfriend back, more committed than ever or you'll gain back some semblance of dignity. You and I both know, you can't hardly look yourself in the eye, right now cause we both know that it is beneath you to be treated this way. Now isn't it? Never settle.

I think you should tell him that you are onto his game and are no longer willing to play by his rules. Put on your Bitch Belt and let it be known you will start seeing other guys. I do believe he's counting on your loyalty to him and figures that you'll never go out with anyone but him. He's counting on you being there and putting up with his crap. But if you really wanna make an impact, you'll tell him you're done, over, fini finally and that you'll move on if he's not willing to feel how you feel. Sometimes, a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do and make 'em cringe and feel the pain before they'll understand. You may very well have to make him feel how it feels to wait at home while you go out with another guy. I assure you, he does not feel you are capable of doing this. No, he's counting on you being all messed up over him. So, you show him how the game is really played, if you must.

If you are ever going to win, it won't be by tolerating his BS. No, you'd better step up now or forever hold your peace and be miserable. Put your foot down now and break the chain. It won't get any better on it's own...guaranteed.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Dear Reader,

It sounds to me like you really care for him? But the question is; Does he think about you other than on the weekends?

It really sounds like he is dependent on you if he can't find someone else. To test this theory, go out with him, on the weekend but don't have sex with him. Try this several times and if it works, where he's not demanding sex then you know he just wants to be with you. But you and I know this will not happen, will it? He wants those weekends with you to be sexual, doesn't he?

Is it all just a Booty Call? Or does he really care? Refuse sex with him and find out.

On Your Side,

Halena

On Top of the Program

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt Babz,

My boyfriend is the best boyfriend in the entire world, but i keep thinking he's flirting with my best friend and my best is slowly flirting with him! i really like him and want to keep him for everrrrrrrrrr! So what shall i do i soooooooo want to keep him for ever hes soooooooooo cute!

PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!

From troubled lover

Dear Troubled Lover,

Well, you've not given me too much to go on but this is surely a classic case. It's also nothing I've not seen before, nor is it anything I've not experienced myself. I'd be willing to bet, this happens all the time, to countless couples, friends and so on. But it can be fixable, just as Soulseer says, "All things, in life, are fixable."

I can tell that you are young and ask you to pay attention, to what I write to you. Life lessons, my Dear, I will tell you things, you may carry all your life, ok?

It's no big secret, that guys are hardwired differently than we are. They think about sex, all the time, a constant, the younger they are. It's also no big secret than men are more apt to fool around, that's a statistical fact, unfortunately. Having said this, you have to remember to be smarter than the average girl/woman.

This guy may not be Mr. Right, the man you will marry but if he is or isn't, you can apply what I write you to this and future relationships, ok?

Trust is the biggest factor, in any relationship. While you may trust your man, you never feed him to the Lioness', you never look the other way and you never believe it won't happen to you or your man is exempt from the urges of temptation.

You'll make yourself sick, if you allow it to run you but you just have to be on top of the game. For the guys that like to place themselves into situations where they may be tempted, i.e. going to bars, strip clubs, frat parties, beach parties, etc., where you are not present, they are certainly placing themselves in the line of fire. When and if they add the factor of drinking/drugs, their inhibitions and ability to abstain from temptation is almost always compromised. I'd be willing to bet that most guys, if and when they did fool around, would admit they were under the influence. They like to blame it on drinking, an excuse for their indiscretion.

While you can not stop them from doing what they want to do, you can make it very clear that what's good for the goose, is always good for the gander. You must always place them in your shoes, let them feel what you are feeling, when they go out and you don't know what they are really up to. I have rarely seen a guy who has the capability to really understand, until they themselves live it, what it's like for you to sit home, wondering what they are up to. Wonder and worry. So, sometimes, you must turn the tables and let them sit home and wonder if some guy is hitting on you. I hate to say it but often times, this is the only way they'll really get the gist of the emotions that go with this. I had to do this because my husband was always saying that he "needed" a night out with the guys. I'd sit home wondering what was really going on. After a few Saturday nights, home alone, I made the decision to put him in the hot seat. It changed his opinion about things as he sat wondering and waiting. Just an example.

While this may not apply to you, at this age and juncture of your life, it may, a few years from now and the concept, of placing them, in your shoes, rings true for everything.

You don't want to be perceived as a worry wart, possessive, jealous or accusing, I think you need only to put things into perspective for your guy. At first opportunity, you sit him down and tell him you want to talk to him about something that's just too much, not to mention. Then, you have to spin things, just a bit. While it is not a lie, you must have a certain approach, as to how you lay all this out.

You tell him that you care so much about him but you're not stupid. Now, this is the important part; You tell him that you've noticed your friend, coming on to him and then you tell him, he's probably not even aware of it. See, by saying it, like this, you are not accusing him and he won't put up a wall of defense. You are shifting the blame on your girlfriend, that lil' hussy. I might add that she's not much of a friend, knowing that you care for him, so very much and flirting with him, right under your nose. Actually, it's pretty disrespectful and she's crossed that fine line between being friendly with your boyfriend and being out and out flirtatious.

"I will not be disrespected, in this manner and from this point on, I'll ask you to keep your distance from her, as she is not really my friend anymore."

My Dear, you do not need friends that will blatantly disrespect you, understand? You tell him this too. Friends don't flirt with the guy you care about, even if they are pretending to just be fooling around.

By saying all this to him but not accusing him, he will now see that you are on top of the program, you are not blind and you want nothing more to do with a friend that would throw a wrench in the works of your happy relationship. In turn, him knowing that you can see what's happening, he'll cool his heels, maybe keep his distance from her because he knows you know what's what. Yes, always be on top of the program, be one step ahead of the game.

The next step, is you go to this supposed girlfriend and you let her know that she has disrespected you by being overly flirtatious with your guy and you'd appreciate it, if she would stop as he's getting the wrong idea. Guys eat it up, when a girl flirts with them but it opens doors of opportunity that should not be open.

If you feel you can't approach this friend and tell her that she's done you wrong, which she has, you begin a plan of distancing yourself from her and especially when you are with your guy. Remember, with friends like her, who needs enema's?

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

* Knowing What’s Best for Baby *

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

dear aunt Babz,

I am wondering what to do about my boyfriend of 6 months, he is to possesive and always suspects that i am upto no good, we are in a long distance relationship so i to some extent understand, when we go out and he a guy looking at me he accuses me that i am involved with the guy,as a result this has always caused us to have major fights and have broken up many times and making up .

He keeps a record of all the fights that we have and he always brings them up. I honestly do not understand what his problem is since he is always trying to find fault with me.

His birthday was last month and i was expecting him home since he had communicated this, i therefore did not send him his gift since i wanted to give it to him in person. He did not take this well and said that the least i should have done was to send him a card.. After we spoke that night he said he will talk to me the next day.

He has kept quiet for over 2 weeks and the other day he sent a text to say that he does not want to be in this relationship any more.

I am dumbfounded and wonders how he could break up because of a simple birthday card.

I have not responded to him and i am honestly thinking that I will not be happy if ii continue to be in this relationship.The problem is I am 3 months pregnant with his baby .Please advice me on what to do.

Thanks

distressed mom to be

Dear Distressed Mom to Be,

I don’t think dumbfounded is an exaggeration on your part… especially since this guy was acting like a class A jerk.

I personally wouldn’t take another second of time wasted on this guy. Control freaks are mental when it comes to not being able to recognize their obsession, and they are way too unpredictable.

You are pregnant, which poses a bit of a question of weather you can make it without him. And I assure you, you can. In fact the worst possible thing you could do (in my opinion) is to let a child come into this distrustful and destructive relationship. See, a guy like this will fly off the handle over a birthday card. What’s going to happen when he has to change a diaper filled over with diarrhea? Or wake up at 3am because the baby is screaming? Or when you need a break and want time away from the house and the baby? I can tell you, it won’t be pretty.

Another point, is that if you guys keep breaking up and getting back together again.. well that is just not going to cut it when there is a child involved. That much instability will affect your child, and honestly isn’t healthy for you either.

If I were you I would cut my ties with this guy romantically and ask him to be a part of your child’s life. He is entitled to that much. But to continue down the road of on again/ off again and tantrums and control… that is way too much hassle for anyone let alone a Mom to be.

Let us know if you need help hooking up with a support group for single Moms, or anything else that we can help you out with okay?

Take care, and good luck.

~Xmichra.

Aunt Babz Said...

I tend to agree with Xmichra on this. I would encourage you to cut the ties now, rather than continue in an unhealthy relationship. I've never read real medical documentation but I somehow feel that your child is affected by your demeanor during your pregnancy. If you're constantly scrutinized, picked apart and made to feel badly about yourself, I believe it will not be good for you or your baby.

I also agree with Xmichra, when she told you that you can do this by yourself. No one promises that life will be easy, ever but Happiness is surely a state of mind, my Dear. If you have to live in a small apartment and eat Ramen noodles and fruit till your ship comes in, you will believe and feel you are happy, no matter what. Or because you don't believe you can do this alone, you can force the situation with this guy. Yes, for forever you will have to answer for everything you don't do wrong, all the made up iniquities and insecurities he has and so on. He obviously has a low self-esteem and doesn't feel good about himself.

What I have found is this; When a guy portrays and acts like you are always fooling around, acting like you are fooling around or he is always accusing you of fooling around, I have found that it is almost a window to his own heart and behaviors, right there for the world to see. What I mean is that men like that don't realize it but at least I can see that when they are always accusing you, when you've done nothing to provoke it, you've done nothing really, to make them not trust you, it is a clear cut reflection of how they actually think. They figure since their mentality is to fool around, that you will do the same thing. Think about that. Yes, I'd be willing to place a bet on this one...he will not be faithful.

Cut the ties, move on, raise your baby in a healthy and happy home.

One Choice

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt B.,

I went to go use the computer today and my dad left his screen name up by accident. There was an Instant Message from some woman calling him baby. Since he had left it up by accident basically all it said was Why aren't you talking? Are you angry, Baby? I don't really know what to think of this, but the only people in my life I call "Baby" are relatives and significant others. My father is still married to my mother, the only problem is he has cheated on her before. I don't know whether I should confront him about this or just go straight to my mother? Please Aunt B. what should I do?

Dear Friend,

I imagine you feel like you're in a bit of a pickle, huh? You must be careful, lest this all backfires on you.

I don't know how close you are with your Dad? If you are close enough to confront him, speak to him about this, I would. You might even write him a letter, telling him what you know and suspect and tell him to do the right thing by your Mother or you will/must tell her what you know. By doing this, it gives him the option of going to your Mother and making things right.

I feel, if you confront him yourself, he would probably deny it anyway. By writing him and telling him, what you know, this might give him a chance to evaluate the situation and come clean, end that relationship or to go to your Mom and be honest.

If you go to your Mom, with this info, your Father will forever resent you, it would be a natural course in behavior. If you write him and only give him the option to go and be honest, with your Mom, he will be forced to handle it on his own. Make him aware that he has this chance to take care of business or you, out of love and loyalty to your own Mother, be forced to brief her on the matter at hand.

I would make it clear to Dad, in that letter, that he is wasting his breath by telling you that nothing is going on, so he has but one choice and that is to do the right thing.

Let him know, that you love him but you love your Mother as well and what he is doing is down right dirty. He can make it right on his own or you will.

Wishing You the Very Best,

Aunt Babz

Truth/Trust

Xmichra Answers

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt B,

Hi, my name is Ashley. I'm in a bit of a pickle. see I have been with this guy for almost 3 years ( on and off) and while we were on an "off" stage I cheated on him with one of his friends, not a close one, but still it was one of his friends. We swore never to tell, but in the town we live in everyone knows everything, so we just denied it. I feel terrible about what i have done, but i dont want to tell my boyfriend because im afraid of losing him. the other guy and i havent talked since the whole thing happened, he played me, and i knew he was going to but i let the temptations get the best of me. im not sure if i should tell him and take the chance of losing my boyfriend/best friend. or if i should just keep denying it?

thanks for your help.

Dear Friend,

You are in quite the pickle. The thing that you did wrong here wasn’t in having sex with another person (you guys were broken up, so don’t call that cheating). It was that once all the cards were thrown on the table, you denied it.

So really there is the pickle. To confess or not to confess. Well. This is not going to be easy.

The thing of this situation is, your boyfriend is going to find out. How do I know that? Well he already ‘knows’ to some degree and when that is hanging over your head people can tell. He will likely not stop wondering and asking until he is satisfied with the truth. If you have been played by the other guy.. well he just might tell his friend one night while drinking, having coffee, or just for spite. Men are strange that way, wanting to tell each other of their conquests (I am laughing at this statement because it is more an elaboration then the truth.. but some guys just like to brag.) . But regardless, the thought it in your boyfriends head and that is damaging.

So you can continue to lie, and see if you can prolong the agony. But I think in your case I would just tell him. Why? Because if you love him and you want him to trust you again you are going to have to come clean. I am fairly certain that he will not trust you ever again if you don’t tell him… because in the back of his head you not only slept with his friend, but you lied about it. Makes no matter if that is the truth, it is to him. But if you admit to what you have done there might be hope. Another thing to keep in mind is that your relationship will suffer if you have this enormous guilt in you and you keep lying. Those sorts of things always come out, and never in a good way. Your conscious will get the better of you. There is still the chance that he might break things off, but if you are truthful at least you have a shot.

Fooling Around Faux Paus

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt B,

I have been married for 4 years. All these years we have had financial problems but somehow our love (thought it was) and understanding kept us together. We shared many things, we had same interests, we loved same things. We were almost perfect couple. We were also trying to have a baby. He had kids from previous marriage but we wanted ours. We had everything but in difficult financial situation. Our dreams and hope were our drive. I suffered a lot. Before I married him I used to live in another country, had successful career, secure life. I gave up of all of it for the sake of our love. I moved into his country and started a new life. I was supporting him in all his ventures but somehow we didn't have much success. He had to travel a lot, I had to stay at home alone. I cried many times but I was hoping it needs a little bit of sacrifice to have better future. I am not one of those jealous women checking on their husbands all the time. I was very flexible with my husband. I thought checking won't help it, if he wants to do something he'll do it. But I was so sure he would never cheat on me, exactly for the reason that we have been through that hardship sticking together, and that it even made our relationship stronger. It seemed we didn't have secrets. A year ago, he had to leave the country for some business. I joined him a month later and stayed there for another month. Things with business did not go well. I had to leave and go to my parents for a while. I came to my parents for a couple of weeks but stayed a year. That business was sensitive and he was hoping he'll make it. We put everything in stake for that. The time passed, I wanted to come and visit him at least but he was telling me just to wait for a bit longer as we were completely broke. I made a mistake. I suffered a lot and kept waiting. He was always busy but we were in touch all the time. He was telling me that he adores me and miss me like crazy and just to wait for this to finish. A year after I got a letter of his girlfriend telling me that they have been living together all this time. She sent me some of his letters to her telling her that he fell in love with her. My whole world went down. She said that she accidentally found out that he was married. I felt so betrayed, used.....taken advantage of. He tried to call me but I didn't want to talk to him. His family is devastated, everybody is and they try to reconcile us even though they condemn what he did. They want us to sit and talk. Anyway we will meet soon eventually and I feel.....very difficult to explain. He believes there is chance for us but I am not sure I can forgive. I try to understand why this happened and why to me, trying to analyze things but I guess I am not so good at that. I have only my pain at this moment. To leave or not, is it worth trying? Would I be able to trust him again?

My Dear Friend,

I really feel bad, that you have to endure this betrayal. I do believe I would feel the same way, you are currently feeling. On one hand, you want to forgive him, on the other, you could just spit in the wind and walk away, spit nails and never blink. Such mixed emotions.

Yes, it is the ultimate betrayal, to be told you are loved, only to be found that, that love has been split between yourself and another woman. My instincts tell me that your husband does love you. They further tell me, that he may not realize just how devastating this has been. You tend to hide it well, when I know it stands to kill you, if you can not work through it. You must work through this. Regardless of the outcome, you must seek healing.

Your healing, must come from within. Stop looking for rhyme or reason or indicators as to why, how or when. You will never find an explanation for your husbands poor choices. They were exactly that and somehow, you must rise above it and do whatever it takes, to not take it personally. I know that's a tall order but this is what's on your plate, so you must grasp the truth but put that truth in perspective, one which you may live with. What are you talking about Babz?

If it were me, the first thing, that would run through my head would be, why me and what did I do wrong? Did I not love him enough? Not enough sexual interaction? Am I not pretty enough? Is she a better woman than me? I could go on and on but I think you get the idea? You've been questioning just what or where you went wrong, huh?

Just in example, I'm sure you've seen the most beautiful celebrities in the world, break up, have affairs and they have been betrayed by their spouse or partner. Statistics show (Read Here)that men are more likely to fool around than women(more Statistics Here) but it's a fact of life, that we are not very good at following our marriage vows. Sadly enough, people are hurt by an infidel partner, every day of the week. This does not, by any means, excuse the behavior.

If there's one thing I loathe, more than anything else, I'd say it is a person who fools around. I have no respect for that individual, I feel it is the ultimate betrayal. They are the worst of the worst, bottom feeders and there's no excuse for it. I truly feel, if you are that unhappy, where you'll place yourself in harms way or even for those that say, "Well, it just happened," you need to assess your values and beliefs. Primarily, if we all were to live with the attitude, that we'll only do to others, what we'd allow done to ourselves, well, life would certainly be different.

Having said, all that, I want to point out that it is not your fault, not at all. You must embrace this fact, ok? You must realize that it is the fault of the individual who cheated and it is a clear indication, that person has problems. They may very well be or seem like an egomaniac but it is really a matter of low self-esteem, in most cases. They might need their ego fluffed or their manhood massaged, figuratively and literally. Eeeeeeeeew!

In some situations, they tell themselves that they meant no harm, things just happened and couldn't be helped. Bullshit! A strong man, honors his vows, his promises, his word. It is only a weak man, a liar, who does not say, when he is not happy. Maybe, he wasn't happy sexually? Still not your fault, especially if he didn't tell you that he was unhappy enough to think about getting out of the situation. A good man, could stand in a room full of nude woman and not make a move. His heart, his words and promises belong to someone else and he honors this, to and till death. So, what is my point, in all this?

You've got to look yourself, square in the eye and be honest. You've got to assess what relationship, if any, you have left. I do believe in forgiveness and I sure do believe in the sanctity of marriage. But I do feel like you've got to lay it on the line; Get to the bottom, as to why and don't settle for any crap answer. Did he do it, because he became bored? Did he allow it to happen because he wasn't happy? Did he not realize how it would hurt? Does he understand that it is a low blow and he is lower than low, for his behavior? Does he or could he ever imagine what it would feel like, if you did this to him?

You must let him know, that if it is to ever work, he must understand that he will have to earn your trust and respect all over. He must be made aware that it is his fault, if he did not tell you that he was not happy. He needs to understand that he needs to look in the mirror and see himself and what he did, as it truly is;
Low Down -n- Dirty.

Although I would imagine, that you've been extremely hurt by all this, you have to make a pact with yourself that it is not your aim, to make him pay for his indiscretion. that is humbling, at best. At the very least, to forgive him will be difficult and it may be even harder to trust his emotions. But in order to do this, in order for him to truly be sorry, really remorseful, you'll have to project the image of what his actions have done. He's got to put on your shoes and imagine, just how devastated he'd be, if the exact thing happened to him. So, I feel, as uncomfortable as it might be, you need to paint a picture, one he can clearly see, of you, in the arms of another man, for months...all behind his back. He must understand his transgressions of infidelity and see that and be told that he has behaved like a liar and if nothing else, like a man that should not be respected. Yes, there was a time, when a man was as good as his word and marriage vows were seriously set in concrete. Maybe, he didn't realize all this?

If you do decide to talk to him, I would convey all this and you let him know that if he ever does it again, from that day forward, you will pray that justice is served upon him. You will pray fervently, that no good will come his way and he will learn the err of his ways. You won't have to lift a finger.

I guess this is a sore subject for me. But I do think that some men are under the impression or have been taught, somewhere along the line, that to fool around, is a faux paus but acceptable. If I had my way, they'd feel the burn for it. They'd realize just how hurtful it is. They'd learn that it is wormy, not manly.Real men are sure of themselves and do not need to have affairs.

If I were you, I'd make him read this. Tell him, if he wants to talk, he needs to read something. Print this out and hand it to him.

Possible Penance

Xmichra Answers

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt B,

I am in a situation, and I'm not sure what to do. I have been married for 28 years, most of which has been enjoyable. Over the last few years, my wife decided that our sex life was over. I am 53, she is 48, We had some serious discussions about this...she would promise to do better, but better never happened. In February of this year, I started an affair with a married woman, somewhat younger than I, who was essentially having the same problems at home as I, but she was also dealing with an abusive spouse. When we started out, it was to be a friendship to provide sex and intimacy to one another. As you might guess, the relationship grew to be much more than that...we fell in love. We agreed recently that we would both leave our existing relationships, and start anew with each other. This past Thursday, I told my wife of my intentions, and left. She was "floored", as she never suspected anything. Since I have left, I have been experiencing almost constant guilt, and the related feelings that go with it. On one hand, her lack of giving me the intimacy that I needed and deserved caused me to go elsewhere to find that, which is very important to me. On the other hand, we did experience many wonderful times and memories over the years. It kills me when my mind starts remembering things that were good. I've had some thoughts about going back to her, and trying to work things out. I just don't know if she would ever be able to get over the hurt, nor ever trust me fully again. Then there's the thing about sex and intimacy that may never change. Also, I do love the woman I am with. I promised her that I would follow through wwith this, which factored into her own decision to leave her husband as well. In addition, she is not in a position to sustain herself financially without my help. Is is normal to have the feelings that I am having? Also, I would most appreciate any advice that you may have for me in this matter.

Dear Friend,

Instead of giving advice, I think in this one I will actually refer to feeling and healing. I know that seems odd, but you don’t need advice. You have made your way and are living with the consequences. What you need now is the resource to ‘deal with it’.

Sex is a complicated part of a relationship. Some people can have sex multiple times a day. Some can live without it. But the real issue is intimacy, not sex. Any person can masturbate, watch porn, and get a joy toy, what ever it is that you need to release all those hormones. But the physical intimacy of your lover, your partner, that is what is so important. And unfortunately, many lose their sexual drive when they get older, are on medication, and multiple other reasons. You have obviously been on the side where this is just not good for you, and was not having the issue resolved. You have talked about it with your ex-wife and you did express your desire. She in turn could not do what it was that you were asking. There is no fault here… just an unfortunate and natural part of life.

Seeking out intimacy is something that 99% of today’s society will get down on a married person for. Of course I am guessing on the statistics, but honestly I think that to be pretty darn close. But thankfully, that doesn’t matter. Why? Because no one can really judge another until they walk in your shoes. And a relationship without sex, without that bond, without trying to rekindle, well, that can make the most loyal partner go astray. Doesn’t matter if it is right or wrong, it is human biology.

But what to do with the old noggin’ once the deed is done.

Seems to me that you are not quite happy with the relationship that you are currently in. I know that you stated that you love this woman, but I also think you are comparing her to your ex-wife who was absolutely great minus the no sex thing. So now you are questioning how much the sex really meant to you. Also you are likely wondering if you should have gone down this road at all. Which is expected when you still have intense feelings for another person.

I always tell people, a few things, when it comes to making a decision and one of them is to actually not think of the other person but to think of your self. Are you happy with the person you are with? If not, why is it that you are unhappy? If you think it is because you had shared and loved your life with your ex-wife, then think of her next. How much penance are you willing to do for her to trust you again? And do you think that she would even grant you that option? Given that she is likely not going to bend on the sex issue, can you be faithful to her? Are you ready to give up your sexual expression to be with her and really BE with her? Then the hard part, if you are thinking that you are not happy with the woman you are currently with, or any of the above questions, you do need to step up and call it off. No matter what the outcome is with you and your ex-wife. You need to be fair with this woman, and you need to be kind. She left an abusive relationship, which is great, but that will pack a lot of esteem issues and the last thing she needs is to go crawling back. So if you need to break it off with her (and you do if you are not 100%) then do the out of the ordinary and make sure that she has solid provisions and support. She will need it.

Maybe you are fine with the decision you have made regarding your ex-wife, and the two of you have ended amicably (or as well as you could) and you are having a hard time healing on your own. I don’t know all the details, so I am going out on a limb. Healing a wound that is not your own is difficult, and sometimes only time can take away the sting. But if you know, or think you know what it is that you ‘feel’ you need to do, then just do it. Make that phone call, make that visit, have a talk, write a letter. Do what ever it takes to say “I’m sorry”, no matter if it is to your ex, your current partner, children if there were any. Who ever it is, even if there are multiples. Healing is a difficult thing to try and take on, but it doesn’t happen over night and without effort

Part of the guilt that you are suffering is that you did indeed cheat on your wife. The fact that she was ‘floored’ means that no matter how often (or not) you two were having sex she never thought that you would stray. Comfort with your partner will make a person think this. And you know this, and feel guilty. So ask yourself this, you know first hand what it feels like to not have the whole of your partner. You know what it feels like to hurt someone (even if you really didn’t mean too). You know that the affair was (although probably uncharacteristic for you) ‘wrong’. So, why would you doom yourself to repeat any of it by not playing fair with your current lover?

.

Guilt comes to us when we have felt our morality has been compromised, and when we have hurt those we love. It doesn’t come to us for finding a hundred dollar bill on the street, even if it was someone’s last resort. We don’t know that, and we are blinded by the lack of connection. Guilt is your heart and soul way of telling you something is wrong, and you need to do something to make it right.

I’m not saying that you should leave your partner and see what happens with your ex. Hell, maybe all that your heart needs is to apologize, really apologize and have your ex forgive you. Maybe your soul needs to feel like you haven’t ruined someone else’s life (and I don’t think any one person is to blame here, just for the record). Maybe you need to be completely honest with the woman you are with in order to make this a good move for you. Honestly, I do not know the answer.

Even though I said I wasn’t going to do it… My advice is this; listen to all those things that your heart is telling you is right. Otherwise, you will just be living in guilt. Good luck, and let us know how you are doing.

STICK TO YOUR GUNS!!

Xmichra answers...

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt B,

I don't normally write for advice but I think I could sure use another person' opinion right now. I have been in a 13 year relationship with a woman though we were apart for one of those years. When we first met she led me to believe that she was an accountant when she wasn't, she said she had been in the military when she hadn't been, from the time that we started the relationship she has always had financial problems and over the years has borrowed a lot of money from me. In the beginning I was very much in love with her and I felt she made me happy, but looking back I can see that her financial problems and moodiness took a toll on the relationship right from the start. Later when I asked her why she lied about these things she said that she thought that I would not have gotten involved with her if I knew the truth of who she was. I felt she was the most attractive partner that I had ever had when we first got together, and wondered why she would want to be with me. Now I can see that I had issues about my lovability which has been a difficulty of mine for most of my life. I have worked through a lot of these issues but I still struggle with codependency in spite of working hard not to interact & react in ways that don't work for me. In the beginning, when my mother was still alive, she would interfere with the relationship and did not like my partner. She used to say that she was cold and that I deserved better. I would tell my mother that it was my choice to make whether I wanted to be in a relationship with her and that if it was a mistake, it was my mistake to make. There was always tension between my partner and my mother, but then my brother had the same problems with my mother with regards to his own relationship. I think that she just couldn't let go of us and that no partner, unless it was a man in my case, would be "good enough" for either of us. My lover did do several things that destroyed my trust in her in the first year we were together. I went away on vacation and she watched my home, when I came back I discovered that she had responded to several credit card offers that arrived in my mailbox and hyphenated my name with hers and opened a card. She then proceeded to charge things to the card for my house while I was away. When I came back from vacation there was a new down comforter, etc. etc. and the house looked absolutely beautiful. I was so amazed that she had done so much to make it nice for my return. Still while I was gone she had move my furniture around and had gone through my personal effects (photos) while I was gone which I did not like. It wasn't until a week later when one of the credit card companies called me at work about charges on "my" new card that I discovered that several credit cards had been opened without my consent. When I confronted her, she lied and said she didn't do it, but it was indisputable that she had done it and eventually she came clean and apologized and said that she was sorry and would never do this again. We broke up over this event and about 4 months later got back together again, but this time I did not tell anyone we were seeing each other because I wanted to know how the relationship would work without anyone meddling in it. We saw each other for a year with some problems but nothing too serious, before I came clean with my friends and family and took a stand with them. We were together for another 4 years and when we had problems she would always say that it was because my mother meddled and because I was weak and wouldn't stand up to my mom and didn't back up my partner. The truth is that it was hard to back her up because she was rude to my mom and because she was always financially irresponsible, was moody and seemed to create conflict in the relationship. She has always been very, very moody and I can't tell from one day to the next, and sometimes from one hour to the next if she is going to be nasty or nice. We used to have a good sex life but that has died away several years ago. We steadily had less and less sex and now I can say that we have only had sex once in the past 2 years. I found that I wasn't wanting it with her anymore because the little loving touches, thoughtfulness, etc. weren't forthcoming and I just didn't feel connected or trusting of her with my feelings. We broke up again in 2002 for a year because she went out with me one night and got really mean (someone told her I was having an affair & I wasn't) and when we got home she got verbally abusive and then in the heat of the argument physically attacked me. She choked me so hard that she left marks on my neck and afterwards she wouldn't let me leave the house. It was only when she passed out on the bed later that night that I was able to get away from my house (she was living with me then). I went to my mother's house because I didn't feel safe at home and called the police the next day to help me go back to my house safely. They arrested her for physical abuse (I didn't ask to press charges it was the law that if abuse is suspected that the person is arrested) and I ended my relationship with her. I was very hurt, angry, and thought I was really done with the relationship, I even had a legal restraining order in place to keep her away from me. A month after we broke up my mother was diagnosed with terminal Pancreatic Cancer and she was dead within a month. I was devastated and went into a depression, it felt like my whole life had fallen apart. I ended up becoming involved with a woman that had been an ex of mine and I thought that she really loved me during the time after my mother's death. I was very in love with her and I thought that she loved me too. Then suddenly after seeing me daily for almost 5 months she told me she didn't want to be in a relationship with anybody. I hurt very badly when the relationship ended but I respected her wishes and did not try to pursue the relationship further. With everything that had happened in the previous 8 months I was on auto pilot just trying to get through each day. My enthusiasm for life, work, basically everything was gone and for the first time in my life I drank so much I thought my liver would give out. I made it to work and home every day, but that period was one of the darkest of my life. Thankfully, that phase passed and eventually I stabilized somewhat but I was still lonely and very sad. During this time my ex heard that my mother had died and came back in my life. She said that she had changed, that she had a good job, that she had learned how much she loved me and begged me to give her another chance. I think that I was lonely and in spite of my misgivings I agreed to give it another try. Not too long after that she persisted in wanting to move in with me saying that we could be together and that it would save us both on the rent and bills. I agreed and she moved back in to my Condo. We have now been together for 5 year since that time and I can't say that it was a good choice for me. She had two long bouts of unemployment where I had to cover all the bills, where she wrote me checks for rent that bounced, where she spent days watching TV instead of looking for a job, etc. Finally, it got so bad that I told her she had to move and that I was done being responsible for everything. It was enough to jolt her into action and she finally found a job this past March. Now she is paying me back the money for her rent and her old bills but it will take a couple of years for her to do that if she were to stick to doing it. She still has bill collectors calling on my phone and says it is because she is paying me first before them because that is the most important thing to her to do. She says she is grateful that I stuck by her and helped her when the times were rough for her. But at the same time she is moody, unaffectionate. She says she loves me and wants the relationship with me to last and says that she is working on herself and it will take her time to get things to a place where things are good between us again. She says she will work on her moods and yelling when she is angry, but it only takes a day or so before she and I have some sort of argument. When she is mad she yells, I have asked her for years not to do this and now I remove myself from the room when she does this. Afterwards we end up passing by each other in the house for days without more than minimal verbal contact. I have tried to get through to her that I won't, can't live like this and that I will leave her if things don't change. I told her that her moodiness, secretiveness, financial problems and physical coldness are not something that I want or need in a relationship and that I feel the relationship is dying. She says it is because we are not having sex, but when I have made myself open to us getting physically closer nothing happens she would rather sleep or watch TV She works nights and I work days and our schedules only overlap for two nights when we could sleep together. On those nights she will watch TV and then when she falls asleep she turns away from me and we don't cuddle unless I initiate it. I have asked her many, many times to turn towards me when we sleep so that we can be close but it still doesn't happen. She blames me for our lack of sexual and physical intimacy, she says that I cut her off when I am angry. I suppose she is right, because when she yells at me and insults me I don't feel like getting physically close to her. I miss having loving touch and a consistently loving partner. In all the years that I have been with her I never cheated, I always told her that long before something like that could happen she would know because I would tell her that the relationship was in danger so that we could fix problems before they got out of hand. I had been telling her this for a while now, at least the past 8 months without much change in our relationship. She would say she wanted to work on things but I just couldn't see any consistent change. I have steadily grown more distant from her to the point that I stay at work late, make plans to do things alone, and really am happiest when she is at work and I have the house to myself. I went on vacation to Mexico last month and while there I met a man that I found very attractive (I haven't been with a man in over 18 yrs) and ended up having an affair with him while I was away. The sex was incredible and he was very attentive and loving. We have been corresponding by email daily and I can't wait to go back to see him again He is a very solid person and is able to express his feelings and love easily, unlike my partner. I am more aware than ever of how starved for love my relationship with my lover of 13 yrs has been, and have come to believe that I am not in love with her anymore. I love her as a person but I am not in love with her anymore. I think that I am still working on the relationship because we have been together so long and I am hesitant to act rashly and just throw everything away without seriously considering taking such an action. I know that feelings can change and that long term relationships only come about by sticking in there when the going gets tough. But the going has been tough for me for a long time now and I am worn out with working on things between us. Since we have spent so many years together our lives are very entangled...she lives in my home, we had plans to go on vacation to Hawaii together (I have since cancelled the trip), etc. I think it may be very difficult for me to get her out of my home since she wants to continue our relationship and "work" on it, but as I say the effort never lasts more than a couple of days before she is moody again and we are at opposite sides of the house. I broke up with her two weeks ago after she was so incredibly rude to me again that I just felt that it was the last straw and I thought that I had gathered enough will power to stick to ending things. A day later she asked me to give us another chance but I told her that I didn't think that I was in love with her anymore and that I just didn't want to live with her moodiness and anger anymore. She asked me to give it two more months and to really work at the relationship with her, after she persisted I finally agreed to try to do this. I once again reiterated that I needed loving greetings when I came home, cuddling, physical and emotional affection, and that I needed for her moods and finances to be more stable in order to even begin to get the feelings back. It has been two weeks and we are once again at opposite ends of the house and I just don't even care anymore. Meanwhile I am emailing my man in Mexico and looking forward daily to the time (2 mo. from now) when I can go back to see him again. I feel bad that I have had an affair but when I look at everything as it is I don't regret having reached out to him since he is a wonderful and loving person, and if we had not reached out to each other when we did we might have missed each other. It is not that often that you find someone that you have that special feeling with and for, I know what we share is special and I am not willing to give him up. I am struggling to work through how I want to handle my life now and thought I would email you for any insight you might be able to give me as to where to go from here....

Dear Friend,

Now, before I get to answer the real bottom line question, I would like to remind you that you are human and totally capable of making errors when it comes to love and life. So really, don’t take this as a “you are stupid” thing because you are not. You are human. I have a few things to say that might just shock the hell out of several people, so bare with me.

First, I think you already know what you want to do, which is to have your present partner leave and to continue your life. Not even going into the rest of the details here, I am saying this to you – you owe her to be strait up on your intent. Her life, no matter how messed up it is, is still hers. And without you releasing your self from that equation she will never move on, and you are holding her back as much as she is you.

You don’t, however need to get into the thick of things with her. Now this is where the opinions get fired… but in my honest opinion, I wouldn’t tell her about Mr.Mexico. There are three really good reasons:

- depending on the state you live, she could be deemed as your common law spouse and you will lose your shirt for an affair.

- Not that is was outright said, but I gather you are of a same sex relationship. If that is what I am reading, and you have found love in an opposite sex… you are going to scar her for life. AND, once again if you are common law status you will be screwed for malice.

- No matter what the circumstance was leading to the affair, the bottom line is that you don’t want to live like this, and YOU NEED TO STICK TO YOUR GUNS!!

The point here is that there is obviously a disconnection from you and this girl, to the point that it is ruining both of your lives. That my friend is what is called an “unhealthy relationship”. And you are doing her absolutely no favors by ‘sticking it out’. In fact.. you are being an ass. Don’t take that too personally now, just think about it in the reverse for a minute and you will see that the exact feelings that you were wishing from her all these years is what you are denying her to have now with a partner that is 100% dedicated to the relationship. Because that is obviously not you anymore. You are done, and I assure you… reading what I read, you are done. You do not love her, and you need to let her find her love as much as you need to carry on with your life. So when you get into that argument of staying together or breaking up, make the same statement in your head over and over YOU ARE DONE. Period.

If she causes that much of a problem, and you fear that you may be in some sort of harm.. then I suggest you find some manor of reinforcements. I get the feeling that the girls problem is simply not having anything to go to. More specifically, a place to stay and mooch. I’m not saying that you have to do this part now… but I would maybe look around and find her a place to stay. I would get another person to go with you to your house, and tell her that this is it. You are done, and she has to leave. Tell her that you have a place in line if she wants to take it, but the choice infallibly has to result in her leaving. You cannot live like this, you will not live like this, and she desirves to live better as well. Creating a hell hole is easy to do when two people are not into each other. And being scared is no reason to justify staying (this I say to you as well).

But like I said, you don’t have to do that… but it might make things easier to (and excuse this expression) be rid of her, if her main hang up is your financial support.

Now, I am adding this part in for concern, but what do you know about Mr.Mexico?? I am telling you now, that the break up between you and your current partner should not be in whole due to this man. You should still break up, that is obvious. But this man… take your time okay? After you mother passing, the ex breakup, and then this.. well it’s going to be like an extended grieving period. You haven’t been able to fully enjoy being alive, being happy. And even though this man may extend to you the very fiber of bliss… just take it easy. I’m not saying that he isn’t “for real”… but it has been in my experience that sometimes you are in just such a low place, that you do not see the flaws when this brilliant light of happiness comes along.

Let us know how things go, and write back if you need any support. Good luck.

Real Men Don't Fool Around

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt Babz,

My boyfriend cheated on me with a girl he knows I really hate. And then I found out from her that she was dating my boyfriend.... So I asked him about it, and he said that she just THOUGHT they were going out. But, duh, thats lame right? And so, I dumped him.... But my thing with this is he went into it KNOWING that if i found out, i would be really really hurt, and he did it anyway. So I kind of think he really doesn't care about me at all, which also makes me loose all belief in everything he's ever said. But now, I don't know whether or not I want to be with him again... Cause I really am so in love with him, and I can't imagine not being with him, and I don't know what I would do without him in my life, ya know? But on the other hand, there's somewhat high drama, and I just get hurt so bad, and why should I even be with a guy that doesn't care and that I have been shown many times that I cant trust? So, I'm thinking my choices are: a. tell him he needs to change, see if he will, then get back with him b. date some other people, wait it out, then see if I still think I want to get back with him c. completely forget about him. What do you think? Or what other option is a good one? Help?How did you find our website?: I just searched for "free advice" and I thought I'd give this a try. Haha.

Dear Friend,

It sounds to me, as if you've thought things out, in a mature fashion. I also think you've been realistic with yourself and you've managed to look at things from all directions.

If it wasn't for the fact, that you really loved this guy, I'm sure you'd have kicked him to the curb. But only you can weigh how much, you really love him. Thus, only you can weigh, just how far, you're willing to go, to forgive, forget and possibly make this a livable or viable situation.

When we are in love, it's a wonderful thing. At that moment in time, we could never envision ourselves with anyone else. But there was a time before him and if you choose to, there'd be a time, after him, that you could love another. You can't see it right now, of course but it will happen, if that's what you choose.

Yes, I think his explanation of, "She thought," we were going out is as lame as it gets. If it were me, I'd be or feel betrayed twice; First, because he'd do that and I had to find out from a girl I really hate/dislike, that my boyfriend is seeing her and secondly because he thinks I must be real stupid, to think he's not capable of lying about the whole affair and I'd swallow his lame ass story. But I think you're more than aware of all this, so what can you do?

As I said before, I don't know how strongly, you feel about this guy or if you are willing to go the distance? If you are, you need to lay it on the line and tell him, you will never, ever tolerate that kind of thing again. He may be young enough, he just didn't know how the game is played. What game, you ask?

Real love, between a man and woman is honest. When it is honest, good or bad, it can be trusted. Good love, the kind that lasts and stands the test of time, is honest and patient. It is all about communication. Your fella, didn't know the rules of the game and you need to make him aware of them.

If he is not happy in the relationship, enough to possibly desire, entertain or think about fooling around, he needs to be man enough, to say so. Two things can and will happen from that; either you will take a long hard look at what you can do to improve the relationship or you will have the choice to walk away, before you get hurt. This is not easy and quite often, men do not communicate how they feel, until it is too late. More often than not, guys will entertain the notion, of fooling around, long before it ever happens. Then, they make it their dirty little secret. But you must tell him, that he has to let you know, if he's not happy. Let him know that you can not improve, make things right or deal with his feelings, if you don't know they exist.

All of this applies to both of you. Honesty is a two-way street and communication is paramount. But more importantly, he must understand that or rather how it would feel if you did all this to him. If he could live his life, realizing that, what's good for the goose, is always good for the gander and to do to you, only what he'd want done to him, he might change his outlook. If it is to work, he must understand that you will never allow this to happen again and if it were...you will pray diligently, that he will feel and know the heartache, for himself.

Real men, don't fool around. No, it's the little boys, who need their ego's fluffed, that are the one's who sneak around. Tell him this.