This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...
Dear Aunt Babz,
My boyfriend cheated on me with a girl he knows I really hate. And then I found out from her that she was dating my boyfriend.... So I asked him about it, and he said that she just THOUGHT they were going out. But, duh, thats lame right? And so, I dumped him.... But my thing with this is he went into it KNOWING that if i found out, i would be really really hurt, and he did it anyway. So I kind of think he really doesn't care about me at all, which also makes me loose all belief in everything he's ever said. But now, I don't know whether or not I want to be with him again... Cause I really am so in love with him, and I can't imagine not being with him, and I don't know what I would do without him in my life, ya know? But on the other hand, there's somewhat high drama, and I just get hurt so bad, and why should I even be with a guy that doesn't care and that I have been shown many times that I cant trust? So, I'm thinking my choices are: a. tell him he needs to change, see if he will, then get back with him b. date some other people, wait it out, then see if I still think I want to get back with him c. completely forget about him. What do you think? Or what other option is a good one? Help?How did you find our website?: I just searched for "free advice" and I thought I'd give this a try. Haha.
It sounds to me, as if you've thought things out, in a mature fashion. I also think you've been realistic with yourself and you've managed to look at things from all directions.
If it wasn't for the fact, that you really loved this guy, I'm sure you'd have kicked him to the curb. But only you can weigh how much, you really love him. Thus, only you can weigh, just how far, you're willing to go, to forgive, forget and possibly make this a livable or viable situation.
When we are in love, it's a wonderful thing. At that moment in time, we could never envision ourselves with anyone else. But there was a time before him and if you choose to, there'd be a time, after him, that you could love another. You can't see it right now, of course but it will happen, if that's what you choose.
Yes, I think his explanation of, "She thought," we were going out is as lame as it gets. If it were me, I'd be or feel betrayed twice; First, because he'd do that and I had to find out from a girl I really hate/dislike, that my boyfriend is seeing her and secondly because he thinks I must be real stupid, to think he's not capable of lying about the whole affair and I'd swallow his lame ass story. But I think you're more than aware of all this, so what can you do?
As I said before, I don't know how strongly, you feel about this guy or if you are willing to go the distance? If you are, you need to lay it on the line and tell him, you will never, ever tolerate that kind of thing again. He may be young enough, he just didn't know how the game is played. What game, you ask?
Real love, between a man and woman is honest. When it is honest, good or bad, it can be trusted. Good love, the kind that lasts and stands the test of time, is honest and patient. It is all about communication. Your fella, didn't know the rules of the game and you need to make him aware of them.
If he is not happy in the relationship, enough to possibly desire, entertain or think about fooling around, he needs to be man enough, to say so. Two things can and will happen from that; either you will take a long hard look at what you can do to improve the relationship or you will have the choice to walk away, before you get hurt. This is not easy and quite often, men do not communicate how they feel, until it is too late. More often than not, guys will entertain the notion, of fooling around, long before it ever happens. Then, they make it their dirty little secret. But you must tell him, that he has to let you know, if he's not happy. Let him know that you can not improve, make things right or deal with his feelings, if you don't know they exist.
All of this applies to both of you. Honesty is a two-way street and communication is paramount. But more importantly, he must understand that or rather how it would feel if you did all this to him. If he could live his life, realizing that, what's good for the goose, is always good for the gander and to do to you, only what he'd want done to him, he might change his outlook. If it is to work, he must understand that you will never allow this to happen again and if it were...you will pray diligently, that he will feel and know the heartache, for himself.
Real men, don't fool around. No, it's the little boys, who need their ego's fluffed, that are the one's who sneak around. Tell him this.