Sunday, August 26, 2007

True Colors

Xmichra Answers

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

i have been going with this girl for about 3 years of and on this last time i lived with her for a year and a half she has a little girl 4 tears old i'm very close to i was with her more than anybody. we both lost our jobs about the same time mine due to a work injury. we were stressed out and i was getting depressed i fianlly got help for that but it was to late she told me to get out and when i was in the hospital she got rid of my stuff. i still can talk to her and she talk to me just not about us she said not to bug her so i haven't called in about 3 days. i wrote her a 20 page letter letting know how i feel and miss her and tha little girl how i want to put back our family. i want to call her but i want her to have her space right now. what else can i do to get my family back!

Dear Friend,

Your situation sounds pretty heavy. Mixed emotions, depression, career changes, children.. it is hard to handle just one of these things but these are all the facets that make a relationship hard to work through.

First off though, I would like to commend you for seeking help for your depression. It is hard to seek help, and actually learn from that help. You did the right thing there, and I hope that you benefited greatly from it.

If I were you, I would sit back and evaluate how your relationship with this girl has changed. I don’t say this to be mean… but she has a child to worry about and she may feel that it is in her best interest not to start something so heavy again and you might just have to accept this and move on. But I will finish that thought later.

I don’t know what happened entirely, so I am giving the benefit of the doubt that what happened between the two of you is simply a sequence of unfortunate situations, which made your relationship fracture.

The loss of a job is a difficult burden when you not only have yourself to provide for but also a child. This situation can pile on the stress by the ton, especially if it involves an injury where you are not able to get into the work force again right away. This type of unemployment can and does put an enormous strain on a relationship, especially if the other partner has had to carry the burden of being the only worker in the household. Now, you had said both of you had lost your jobs at the same time, yours was due to injury. Did she end up working again and supporting you? Because if this is the case, she may not be ready to discuss having a relationship because she feels that she unfairly carried the responsibility of earning money while you couldn’t. Even in a relationship that has sustained thirty years, this is a trial to which many do not survive, that responsibility is so encumbering that on it’s own can tear a relationship apart.

It is natural for the human psyche to think that of a persons “true colors” , you see the most when in a troubled situation. She may think that while all these things were happening she got to see the true you, and isn’t prepared to tackle that again. And to be fair, she very well might not be prepared for you again or the stress of providing for another when she has her little girl to parent. Even if you are gainfully employed now, she will remember what it was like and be fearful if that were to happen again how that would affect her.

Now, if you really want to try something out you can ask her to go to couples therapy. This might help her to vent her true feelings and give you an opportunity to speak your truth as well. Given the situation though, I do not think that she will go for this. I think that by the sounds of what she is telling you that she does want her space, and doesn’t think of you in that regard anymore. And I am sorry to say this, but I think if she doesn’t want to make a relationship with you, that you will need to move on to keep yourself healthy.

Remember all the help you received to bring you out of your depression and the things that they likely said. Your mental health is dependent on you, and you alone. You need to make sure that you are all right, and if you find that this is too hard, I strongly urge you to seek help for your own safety. Please let us know if you need some support, as there are plenty of resources that can be linked in your area. Good luck to you.

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