Thursday, August 16, 2007

Showing Sensibility

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Xmichra answers...

Dear Aunt Babz,

Hey, i am looking for advice. My situation is deffinately not an easy one. You see i'm fifteen & am dating, or i should say.. was dating a seventeen year old. We got along so great, it was finally like my serious boyfriend where i was comfortable around and just had a good time. We dated for three months and unfortunately made a stupid decision where we had done something together which shouldn't of happened. [we were "sexually" active, but not to the point where i was having sex, if you know what i mean?] It's not an easy topic to talk about. Well my mom had found out from reading a text message of mine, and she pretty much flipped. Then on top of that rumors stated he cheated on me, i finally think i got to the bottom of that, it ended up as his x gf just made it up to break us up because she still is in love with him, but my mom found that out to & she just had it. Now were broken up, cause i said i needed time, but we are working on getting back together & starting fresh, like no more fighting and things, but the problem is my parents refuse to let me see him. I don't know what to do, i will not get over him, i like him TOO much just to throw it all away. I'm stubborn and always want what i cant have, so i really need to find a way to prove to my mother i'm sorry & hopefully get her to consider letting me see him again. :[ please help me, i don't know what to do. I understand why she is mad, i dont blame her. I messed up but people make mistakes and i deffiantely learned. I also feel bad because i keep lying to my x boyfriend about how i can't see him, cause he has no idea about what is going on. If you can get back to me as soon as possible. thanks a bunch<3333

Dear Friend,

Let me just say that as a used to be teen… I 100% understand. You are not alone in feeling like this is the worst possible scenario, and if you are anything like your letter sounds you do appear to be as responsible as a teen can be. That’s saying a lot.

So to the question at hand, what to do now. I am assuming that you are female here.. but if you are male, there is some much different advice to give.

Pretty much goes one of two ways, you keep lying to your boy and to your family and one day you will get caught (and trust me, it always works like that) and you will have affirmed to your parents that you cannot be trusted.. and your boy will likely think you are ashamed of him… which will likely result in a break up.

Or, and this is that hard part of life, you tell the truth all the time. You tell your parents that you want to keep seeing this boy. Maybe (and I know this sounds lame) having “dates” where you are at your parents house so that they feel more comfortable. Or in group settings like the movies. Places where “things” aren’t going to happen will help to build back that trust.

You do have to watch the legal age for sexual consent in your area as well. If your parents do not like this boy and really think that he is not good for you… well there could be a statutory rape charge if anything else were to happen. So be VERY careful about that. I know that you said the boy is 17, but how close is he to 18?? Think about those things, as you really don’t want things to go messy.

It might also help to have a really honest talk with your parents (or singly as sometimes moms and dads differ in reason) about what you want to do with your life and how you know sex is something to big for now. That you genuinely like this guy, and you do want to date him. And that you would appreciate a little bit of trust, and to trust that they brought you up to be a smart girl. You can say that you have learned that things were going too fast, and you know that in your head (or you would have just had sex) and that you would like the opportunity to show them that you are a sensible young woman.

Appeal to their parental prowess and that should gain a little ground on your part. If you go into a conversation like this unprepared.. you might come off sounding juvenile and they will not bend.

Now, having said all that.. I know that this is a topic that most people have a problem discussing. But if you start now, and open that pathway it could save you in the long run. No parent wants to hear that their little girl is having sex. It just isn’t a good thing in a parents eyes. All a parent can think is how much they have ‘put in’ to make your life better then theirs was and how fast it can take a drastic turn with the event of pregnancy, STD’s and physical abuse. These are the worst fears a parent faces.. something bad happening to their child, or something that will take away their child’s right to progress in a healthy timeline. So if you remember this, and respect that your parents have a very real fear.. then you might be able to change their minds. They may ask to know this boy a little more, maybe they are truly uncomfortable because they cannot tell what kind of person he is. And that is something you need to decide before you talk, weather this is something that you are willing to do so that you can preserve a relationship.

You do need to fess up to the boyfriend though. He needs to know that you are not ashamed of him, but that you need a little time to win your parents over. Starting of ‘fresh’ should include not lying, so keep that in mind.

Ultimately this is your decision, and hopefully it will go well for you if you take that second road. Best of luck, and let us know how things go.

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