STICK TO YOUR GUNS!!

Xmichra answers...

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt B,

I don't normally write for advice but I think I could sure use another person' opinion right now. I have been in a 13 year relationship with a woman though we were apart for one of those years. When we first met she led me to believe that she was an accountant when she wasn't, she said she had been in the military when she hadn't been, from the time that we started the relationship she has always had financial problems and over the years has borrowed a lot of money from me. In the beginning I was very much in love with her and I felt she made me happy, but looking back I can see that her financial problems and moodiness took a toll on the relationship right from the start. Later when I asked her why she lied about these things she said that she thought that I would not have gotten involved with her if I knew the truth of who she was. I felt she was the most attractive partner that I had ever had when we first got together, and wondered why she would want to be with me. Now I can see that I had issues about my lovability which has been a difficulty of mine for most of my life. I have worked through a lot of these issues but I still struggle with codependency in spite of working hard not to interact & react in ways that don't work for me. In the beginning, when my mother was still alive, she would interfere with the relationship and did not like my partner. She used to say that she was cold and that I deserved better. I would tell my mother that it was my choice to make whether I wanted to be in a relationship with her and that if it was a mistake, it was my mistake to make. There was always tension between my partner and my mother, but then my brother had the same problems with my mother with regards to his own relationship. I think that she just couldn't let go of us and that no partner, unless it was a man in my case, would be "good enough" for either of us. My lover did do several things that destroyed my trust in her in the first year we were together. I went away on vacation and she watched my home, when I came back I discovered that she had responded to several credit card offers that arrived in my mailbox and hyphenated my name with hers and opened a card. She then proceeded to charge things to the card for my house while I was away. When I came back from vacation there was a new down comforter, etc. etc. and the house looked absolutely beautiful. I was so amazed that she had done so much to make it nice for my return. Still while I was gone she had move my furniture around and had gone through my personal effects (photos) while I was gone which I did not like. It wasn't until a week later when one of the credit card companies called me at work about charges on "my" new card that I discovered that several credit cards had been opened without my consent. When I confronted her, she lied and said she didn't do it, but it was indisputable that she had done it and eventually she came clean and apologized and said that she was sorry and would never do this again. We broke up over this event and about 4 months later got back together again, but this time I did not tell anyone we were seeing each other because I wanted to know how the relationship would work without anyone meddling in it. We saw each other for a year with some problems but nothing too serious, before I came clean with my friends and family and took a stand with them. We were together for another 4 years and when we had problems she would always say that it was because my mother meddled and because I was weak and wouldn't stand up to my mom and didn't back up my partner. The truth is that it was hard to back her up because she was rude to my mom and because she was always financially irresponsible, was moody and seemed to create conflict in the relationship. She has always been very, very moody and I can't tell from one day to the next, and sometimes from one hour to the next if she is going to be nasty or nice. We used to have a good sex life but that has died away several years ago. We steadily had less and less sex and now I can say that we have only had sex once in the past 2 years. I found that I wasn't wanting it with her anymore because the little loving touches, thoughtfulness, etc. weren't forthcoming and I just didn't feel connected or trusting of her with my feelings. We broke up again in 2002 for a year because she went out with me one night and got really mean (someone told her I was having an affair & I wasn't) and when we got home she got verbally abusive and then in the heat of the argument physically attacked me. She choked me so hard that she left marks on my neck and afterwards she wouldn't let me leave the house. It was only when she passed out on the bed later that night that I was able to get away from my house (she was living with me then). I went to my mother's house because I didn't feel safe at home and called the police the next day to help me go back to my house safely. They arrested her for physical abuse (I didn't ask to press charges it was the law that if abuse is suspected that the person is arrested) and I ended my relationship with her. I was very hurt, angry, and thought I was really done with the relationship, I even had a legal restraining order in place to keep her away from me. A month after we broke up my mother was diagnosed with terminal Pancreatic Cancer and she was dead within a month. I was devastated and went into a depression, it felt like my whole life had fallen apart. I ended up becoming involved with a woman that had been an ex of mine and I thought that she really loved me during the time after my mother's death. I was very in love with her and I thought that she loved me too. Then suddenly after seeing me daily for almost 5 months she told me she didn't want to be in a relationship with anybody. I hurt very badly when the relationship ended but I respected her wishes and did not try to pursue the relationship further. With everything that had happened in the previous 8 months I was on auto pilot just trying to get through each day. My enthusiasm for life, work, basically everything was gone and for the first time in my life I drank so much I thought my liver would give out. I made it to work and home every day, but that period was one of the darkest of my life. Thankfully, that phase passed and eventually I stabilized somewhat but I was still lonely and very sad. During this time my ex heard that my mother had died and came back in my life. She said that she had changed, that she had a good job, that she had learned how much she loved me and begged me to give her another chance. I think that I was lonely and in spite of my misgivings I agreed to give it another try. Not too long after that she persisted in wanting to move in with me saying that we could be together and that it would save us both on the rent and bills. I agreed and she moved back in to my Condo. We have now been together for 5 year since that time and I can't say that it was a good choice for me. She had two long bouts of unemployment where I had to cover all the bills, where she wrote me checks for rent that bounced, where she spent days watching TV instead of looking for a job, etc. Finally, it got so bad that I told her she had to move and that I was done being responsible for everything. It was enough to jolt her into action and she finally found a job this past March. Now she is paying me back the money for her rent and her old bills but it will take a couple of years for her to do that if she were to stick to doing it. She still has bill collectors calling on my phone and says it is because she is paying me first before them because that is the most important thing to her to do. She says she is grateful that I stuck by her and helped her when the times were rough for her. But at the same time she is moody, unaffectionate. She says she loves me and wants the relationship with me to last and says that she is working on herself and it will take her time to get things to a place where things are good between us again. She says she will work on her moods and yelling when she is angry, but it only takes a day or so before she and I have some sort of argument. When she is mad she yells, I have asked her for years not to do this and now I remove myself from the room when she does this. Afterwards we end up passing by each other in the house for days without more than minimal verbal contact. I have tried to get through to her that I won't, can't live like this and that I will leave her if things don't change. I told her that her moodiness, secretiveness, financial problems and physical coldness are not something that I want or need in a relationship and that I feel the relationship is dying. She says it is because we are not having sex, but when I have made myself open to us getting physically closer nothing happens she would rather sleep or watch TV She works nights and I work days and our schedules only overlap for two nights when we could sleep together. On those nights she will watch TV and then when she falls asleep she turns away from me and we don't cuddle unless I initiate it. I have asked her many, many times to turn towards me when we sleep so that we can be close but it still doesn't happen. She blames me for our lack of sexual and physical intimacy, she says that I cut her off when I am angry. I suppose she is right, because when she yells at me and insults me I don't feel like getting physically close to her. I miss having loving touch and a consistently loving partner. In all the years that I have been with her I never cheated, I always told her that long before something like that could happen she would know because I would tell her that the relationship was in danger so that we could fix problems before they got out of hand. I had been telling her this for a while now, at least the past 8 months without much change in our relationship. She would say she wanted to work on things but I just couldn't see any consistent change. I have steadily grown more distant from her to the point that I stay at work late, make plans to do things alone, and really am happiest when she is at work and I have the house to myself. I went on vacation to Mexico last month and while there I met a man that I found very attractive (I haven't been with a man in over 18 yrs) and ended up having an affair with him while I was away. The sex was incredible and he was very attentive and loving. We have been corresponding by email daily and I can't wait to go back to see him again He is a very solid person and is able to express his feelings and love easily, unlike my partner. I am more aware than ever of how starved for love my relationship with my lover of 13 yrs has been, and have come to believe that I am not in love with her anymore. I love her as a person but I am not in love with her anymore. I think that I am still working on the relationship because we have been together so long and I am hesitant to act rashly and just throw everything away without seriously considering taking such an action. I know that feelings can change and that long term relationships only come about by sticking in there when the going gets tough. But the going has been tough for me for a long time now and I am worn out with working on things between us. Since we have spent so many years together our lives are very entangled...she lives in my home, we had plans to go on vacation to Hawaii together (I have since cancelled the trip), etc. I think it may be very difficult for me to get her out of my home since she wants to continue our relationship and "work" on it, but as I say the effort never lasts more than a couple of days before she is moody again and we are at opposite sides of the house. I broke up with her two weeks ago after she was so incredibly rude to me again that I just felt that it was the last straw and I thought that I had gathered enough will power to stick to ending things. A day later she asked me to give us another chance but I told her that I didn't think that I was in love with her anymore and that I just didn't want to live with her moodiness and anger anymore. She asked me to give it two more months and to really work at the relationship with her, after she persisted I finally agreed to try to do this. I once again reiterated that I needed loving greetings when I came home, cuddling, physical and emotional affection, and that I needed for her moods and finances to be more stable in order to even begin to get the feelings back. It has been two weeks and we are once again at opposite ends of the house and I just don't even care anymore. Meanwhile I am emailing my man in Mexico and looking forward daily to the time (2 mo. from now) when I can go back to see him again. I feel bad that I have had an affair but when I look at everything as it is I don't regret having reached out to him since he is a wonderful and loving person, and if we had not reached out to each other when we did we might have missed each other. It is not that often that you find someone that you have that special feeling with and for, I know what we share is special and I am not willing to give him up. I am struggling to work through how I want to handle my life now and thought I would email you for any insight you might be able to give me as to where to go from here....

Dear Friend,

Now, before I get to answer the real bottom line question, I would like to remind you that you are human and totally capable of making errors when it comes to love and life. So really, don’t take this as a “you are stupid” thing because you are not. You are human. I have a few things to say that might just shock the hell out of several people, so bare with me.

First, I think you already know what you want to do, which is to have your present partner leave and to continue your life. Not even going into the rest of the details here, I am saying this to you – you owe her to be strait up on your intent. Her life, no matter how messed up it is, is still hers. And without you releasing your self from that equation she will never move on, and you are holding her back as much as she is you.

You don’t, however need to get into the thick of things with her. Now this is where the opinions get fired… but in my honest opinion, I wouldn’t tell her about Mr.Mexico. There are three really good reasons:

- depending on the state you live, she could be deemed as your common law spouse and you will lose your shirt for an affair.

- Not that is was outright said, but I gather you are of a same sex relationship. If that is what I am reading, and you have found love in an opposite sex… you are going to scar her for life. AND, once again if you are common law status you will be screwed for malice.

- No matter what the circumstance was leading to the affair, the bottom line is that you don’t want to live like this, and YOU NEED TO STICK TO YOUR GUNS!!

The point here is that there is obviously a disconnection from you and this girl, to the point that it is ruining both of your lives. That my friend is what is called an “unhealthy relationship”. And you are doing her absolutely no favors by ‘sticking it out’. In fact.. you are being an ass. Don’t take that too personally now, just think about it in the reverse for a minute and you will see that the exact feelings that you were wishing from her all these years is what you are denying her to have now with a partner that is 100% dedicated to the relationship. Because that is obviously not you anymore. You are done, and I assure you… reading what I read, you are done. You do not love her, and you need to let her find her love as much as you need to carry on with your life. So when you get into that argument of staying together or breaking up, make the same statement in your head over and over YOU ARE DONE. Period.

If she causes that much of a problem, and you fear that you may be in some sort of harm.. then I suggest you find some manor of reinforcements. I get the feeling that the girls problem is simply not having anything to go to. More specifically, a place to stay and mooch. I’m not saying that you have to do this part now… but I would maybe look around and find her a place to stay. I would get another person to go with you to your house, and tell her that this is it. You are done, and she has to leave. Tell her that you have a place in line if she wants to take it, but the choice infallibly has to result in her leaving. You cannot live like this, you will not live like this, and she desirves to live better as well. Creating a hell hole is easy to do when two people are not into each other. And being scared is no reason to justify staying (this I say to you as well).

But like I said, you don’t have to do that… but it might make things easier to (and excuse this expression) be rid of her, if her main hang up is your financial support.

Now, I am adding this part in for concern, but what do you know about Mr.Mexico?? I am telling you now, that the break up between you and your current partner should not be in whole due to this man. You should still break up, that is obvious. But this man… take your time okay? After you mother passing, the ex breakup, and then this.. well it’s going to be like an extended grieving period. You haven’t been able to fully enjoy being alive, being happy. And even though this man may extend to you the very fiber of bliss… just take it easy. I’m not saying that he isn’t “for real”… but it has been in my experience that sometimes you are in just such a low place, that you do not see the flaws when this brilliant light of happiness comes along.

Let us know how things go, and write back if you need any support. Good luck.