Did You Let Go of the Reigns???; Continued

We try to never leave you hanging. If our answer has not been helpful, we always welcome your feedback and response, as well as giving you the opportunity to reiterate your question. We'll work with you, till we get an amicable answer to your question.

Such is the case with our Reader, known as "Von El." After posting his answer, he wrote back that I had not answered his question. This is a continuation from the prior post, "Did You Let Go of the Reigns???"
He said;

thanks 4 answering my first question, hmm lets c, your answer does not help me at all,. i asked u how 2 get this girl out of my life, yet u talk about other things that has no use to me at all,, plain and simple how do i get it through the girl's head i hate her so "uckin much and never contact me ,,, how the *uk do i make her realize that i dont want her in my life at all and 2 leave me alone ,, those r the only answers i seek,, me and her were good friends before and i wont get into the details but i will say this the *itch bak stabbed me 2 many times ,, i dont want anything 2 do with her,,, ,, so u can c where i am coming from,, and try not 2 judge me again because u really have no idea what type of person i am ,,,,, your advice?


I then asked permission to answer his question by publishing it? He then wrote an additional addition to his original email;

but also let me add other stuff 2 the new questions i have asked u and make more comments and u can also add them to post i have sent u because i want u 2 have all the details,

she and i used 2 hang out before and we became good friends, then things started 2 get sour between us, i was not the 1 who was doing it.. she started bak stabbing me, i let it slide, then she did it again, and then i let it slide again, and what u know she did it again, but this time it cost me my job, and every 1 i knew at work thought i was a evil person, a lot of people looked at me differently, the cops got involved,, my name is ruined, i mean what the heck man is this how u r suppose 2 treat your friends? then she moved out of state, i was very happy with that, i prayed day and night she wont ever come to the state where i am living, but then she started 2 send me friend requests through friendster and myspace, i cant *uckin stand the *itch at all, i hate her soooooooo much, i am not a bad person, i told her so many times i have changed i dont care about her at all, yet she thinks its all a joke,, i dont care if she wins by making me angry, i hate the *itch, plain and simple, oh my goodness, u have no idea how i "uckin hate her,, everytime i c her sending me stuff i feel more and more angry, i just want her out of my life, after what she has put through i just want her out of my life, i have no *uckin feeling 4 the *itch anymore, only hatred and anger, oh god how i hate the *itch,,


Dear Von-el,

Seems to me that you have already done what you can to be rid of this girl. Choosing who you are friends with on the pages, that is entirely up to you. In myspace, you can go here: http://www.askdavetaylor.com/how_do_i_delete_a_friend_from_myspace.html and it walks you through it.



If you want to delete a friend from Friendster do this: In order to delete a friend you must go to your own home page, select the ACTION Edit Friends, and then select the OBJECT of the Delete Friend action. This only saves clicks if

you're deleting many friends at once (hopefully, this is not a very common operation!).

But on a totally different note, dude.. you need some therapy. Anger management is what it is called, and you are lacking in reason right now. What if this girl was to come and see you? What are you going to do then? My thought is in the rage that you are in towards her that you might not do what you would normally do.. but go off the depend. You need some serious help, and that is something that we cannot give you.

Babs was trying to tell you that the only way you can tell someone to leave you alone, is simply that. Tell them to leave you alone. You can’t bend peoples wills, or make them do exactly what you want. All you can do is state what you don’t want, which is contact from her. And quite plainly she was trying to address your problem, which is the anger issue you so evidently have.

And one other thing, and this is separate from the advice, because you do need the advice. But when people are asking a question about a harassing person in their lives, it helps not to take that tone yourself. You were being quite belligerent towards Babs and her offer of assistance. So maybe think about how you approach people, especially if you are asking for HELP (both solutions were easy enough to Google by the way).

~Xmichra

Did You Let Go of the Reigns???

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...


Dear Aunt Babz,
My problem is that there is this girl who i hate soooo much and she won't leave me alone,, i cant stand her at all, i mean i hate this girl 2 death, it's like when ever i c a message from her on friendster or myspace i feel like punching the wall, she ruins my day, and i am not a bad guy, i just want her 2 leave me alone, i have a myspace and friendster account, but she still sends me requests and jokes around even though i hate her with a passion,, i have never felt like this about anyone in my life , i wrote 2 myspace and friendster and they said just delete and block the profiles, but i do this everyday, i delete and she creates more and more, oh my goodness i hate her sooo much ,, i know this is soooo repetitive but like i said i feel like cursing in this email and i am sooo angry because i hate the *itch soooooo much ... i dont know what to do,, even if i create another profile some how she always finds me,, u have no idea how hard this is 4 me 2 talk about her without cursing at the *itch,,,, *itch *itch,, i dont go anywhere online 4 example play games like i used 2 or chat because i know she is there all the time, soooooo madddddddddddddddddd,, i hate the *itch,, whats your adivce,, ?

thanks von-el




Dear Von-El,

Somehow, I know where you're coming from. She grates your nerves, for whatever reason and it's just making you crazy, right? She tried to contact you and it makes you nuts, you could spit nails, huh?

You will always meet and come across people, who will get under your skin. Let this be a good example of how to deal with this scenario or any others that just might roll down the pike...

This may or may not apply to you but let me point something out; The primary emotion, we allow ourselves, more so than any other is; Anger. I've meet people, as I'm sure you have, as well, that are just grouchy, nasty, mean spirited angry people. They're every where, in nooks and crannies and we're surrounded by them. Often times, those people will not experience joy, they barely laugh, if at all and they normally do not allow themselves to feel, much less cry. There only real/raw emotion; ANGER.

I happen to have been one of these "Angry" people. In many ways, my hate and anger was all consuming. It is one of the primary accelerators, when I was in the throes of my addiction. Anger kills...


You should take a long, hard look, at what it is, that places you, in that Anger Zone. Is it really her or is it you? I can answer that for you, though. It is you, you must own it and look at it. She may be the most annoying person, in the world but what is it that sets you off? I mean, I can clearly see, from your letter, that this girl gets deep down, under your skin. So, is it her, her persona or whatever? It really does not matter what it is, I simply want you to see if there's a trigger point there or possibly what it is that spurs you on?

As I stated before, you will come across many, who will make you mad, your cause for mayhem. You will come across more that will set you off, in varying degrees. Every day, you will have cause for celebration or disdain and it is your choice, which you will embrace. All mushy stuff aside, you must learn to look for that cause for celebration, long before you look for the or act upon the disdain.

Yes, anger kills, as I've said. It is all consuming, spurs on road rage, hate crimes and the list is endless. On a personal level though, the person, who suffers the most for your anger, is you and you alone. Sure, it may seem gratifying to tell that guy to stick it where the sun don't shine but it's you that's left in the dark clouds.

You must begin to see, that in every situation or instance, every day, you have choices as to how you will react. You must begin to see that you are the one who suffers, the most, when you are angry. But most of all and I must let you in on a little secret; When you become angry at someone else, you have actually given the reigns of power, over to that person, whom you are angry with. Whatever it is, they're doing, that sets you off, you have given them a certain power over you. Did you realize this? I'd bet my butt, you didn't cause I just know you're the kinda guy, who likes to be in control, of yourself and your life.

Taking Back Control

It's our little secret but I'd sure like to see you take back those reigns, you didn't even know, you'd handed off. So, what can you do?

Well, my friend, you can begin to realize that every day, in every way, you'll have choices, as to what will or will not set you off. You must begin to make a conscience effort to stay in control of you. Yes, you can be such a beast but normally, you're on top of the program. You like things in order, all your ducks in a row and you hate surprises or change. Knowing this, just how you're set in your ways, you'll need to begin to incorporate the change, in your awareness, a little at a time. You'll need to examine your subconscience triggers, what it is that takes you to that Anger Zone.

In all due reality, you could become angry with everybody and anybody, if you allowed yourself. You have little patience for the dumb shit, this I know. But you need to realize that not everybody's on the same page as you and you need to give a little leeway, have a tad more compassion and begin to realize this very important premise;

Don't sweat the small shit and it's all small shit

Now, stop looking at this girl, as the foundation for your anger and start looking within yourself. Somehow, I just know, the thought, that you might possibly have allowed someone else, to take your power, will be like a punch in the kisser. But I won't tell, if you don't. Take back those reigns!

Keeping It real,

Aunt Babz

Healing From The Unexplained

This was sent to Aunt B via email

Dear Aunt B,
Hello, this is your granddaughter Jessica. I just want to know, what you think about that Virginia Tech Shooting? Me personally, I was in tears. It was not fair to those who are in college, trying to make something of themselves. Then a low-life foreigner (Please don't take this the wrong way, everyone) who as here just for college and that's it, to take their lives. This just goes to show, that there is no way to be safe in the U.S.A. We might as well give up. This country is shot. To add to that, the people here (Mostly the Government, in my eyes) are greedy. In the dictionary, the definition for greed, should be the U.S. Government.





Dear Jessica,
I feel your pain on this as you and I both know, it hit close to home. I don't understand why people do what they do? If anybody has seen, true crime and behavior, you know it is me. I've met and lived with, some of the most brutal people. I've had conversations, with women, who callously killed their very own children. I don't understand them or their behavior. There is no answer short of mental illness. I'd also attach a hidden agenda of that nasty entity, who walks the depths of hell. After you've sat with, dined with and lived with these people, you get a whole new outlook. Prisons are filled with people who are mentally ill. It's extremely hard to get an Insanity Plea to work anymore and a huge percentage of these people, who should be in a mental institution, are placed in prison. I met more than my share and they themselves, can not explain their own crimes. While it is completely unfathomable to grasp any semblance of understanding as to why people behave as they do, we must learn from this, to expect the unexpected. For the civilized population, it is things such as this and the deaths at Virginia Tech, that we must learn from. There were warning signs, as there often are. Teachers had made note, even mental note. One particular teacher, even went to higher ups, concerning the fact that this guy was menacing her other students with his behavior and his abrasive poetry, projecting violence. She was basically met with the old standard; if he's done nothing, we can do nothing. I suppose the lesson to be learned is if you see something, say something and heed the warnings.
Healing from this, is of course the hardest part. When you can't understand, the reasoning for something, it makes it harder. But we must live and learn, become wiser or the killer wins.
We can not choose to look at the racial overtones, looking for fault, is natural though. It is in our nature to blame the particular race for the whole situation instead of looking at the individual. Cho had and is a permanent resident since 1992. He is from Korea but let me point out to you this; other than this killing spree, the one, which he may have modeled his behavior from, the Columbine Massacre, 8 years ago and those boys were American. Mental Illness comes in all shapes, sizes, colors and obviously; Race.
We must learn to take people seriously, as to what they might reveal in the inner workings of their mind. I learned this very valuable lesson, myself, even recently. I never believed my Boyfriend, Chris would kill himself. He had said he was going to before and I thought it was a blow-hard tactic. But he was serious, wasn't he? He followed through and sadly, I must learn a very hard lesson. I wrote about that here.

We must not allow the killer to profit, even in his death.
Next month, the students, who were killed, will be awarded their Degrees. How touching and befitting, this compilation of sorrow.

There are several compelling links, concerning Cho's demeanor and behavior. Read here, here, here.
Boing Boing has posted part of Cho's rather disturbing play, here. You can read the full text of the play, here.
To learn more about Cho Seung-Hui, Click Here

You're Only Dumb if You Think You're Dumb

Friday, January 05, 2007

This question was sent to Aunt B via email...

My Question,

If someone was called a dummy all of its life from childhood through adulthood. What effect do you think it will have on that person?

D


Aunt B said...

Dear D,

This is a very broad question. The variables, the environment and so on, can make or break this situation and this life.
I truly believe, that we should have to take psychological tests to determine if we are fit to parent. Of course, that will never happen but it is sure wishful thinking, isn't it?
As a parent we must be responsible, more responsible than we are, concerning what we say and our actions concerning our children. You should never discipline your children in the heat of anger or in rage. Send them to their room till you calm. This has a two-fold effect; it gives the child time to think on the issue at hand and more importantly, it gives you time to think on how to handle the dilemma and to squash a tendency to act out inappropriately. As parents, we don't realize, till it's too late, that what we say to our children, they often take literally. To be a parent is a huge responsibility that we take too lightly. We are given children, actually as a gift from the Big Guy, to shape and mold into productive people. We must show, by example, good stewardship, good citizenry and basic good qualities as a human being. We have actually fallen short on this one, haven't we?
I don't know if you are asking me this because this happened to you or maybe a spouse has been doing this to one of your own children but yes, it will effect that child. The question is, will that child choose to rise above the criticism and put things into perspective for themselves? The other question is will you be able to forgive the parent or person that said these derogatory things to you?
As children, if we take things as literally as they are often presented, we will perish emotionally. We must learn to be like an onion. We must have a thick skin, with many layers that can and will be peeled off before they get to the core of your being. You must also learn to put things into perspective. Always look at what is said, own what you must, improve what you can and shove the rest into the garbage. I'm quite sure that you are not dumb but I'm quite sure that whomever continually spoke these words, must've been someone that you respected, loved or tried to care for? You tend to take everything literally when a parent or someone of importance, tells you things. A child is so impressionable. Just in example is the Santa Claus effect. Now really, we believed as children that a fat dude, slipped down our chimney with a sack that carried toys for all children, the world over and he arrived there on a sleigh, through the air, pulled by reindeer. Now, if that's not a crock of shit, nothing is but we believe our parents, don't we? I did, you probably did, we all did, right? We also tend to believe them we they tell us we are fat, stupid, dumb, ugly, nasty, retarded and the list goes on.
As parents, we need to be held accountable and I believe when we go to heaven, we will be but why not take a long hard look at what we do say to our children and be responsible, taking our "job" as parent more seriously?
In answer to your question, yes a person can be mortally wounded by words, especially those spoken in anger. Hopefully, that child will rise above it and realize that they are not dumb or whatever and will grow from it instead of being stunted. You can become a better person from your trials and tribulations in life and acquire the ability to always look in the mirror, keeping yourself in check, not repeating the cycle of abusive language, with a realization that words are a double edged sword; they cut both ways.
D, I'm telling you that you are not dumb and you must forgive whomever it is that said this. Animosity and anger are the angst that will do you in. They only harm you. There is empowerment in taking charge of what you allow to offend you. You can choose to rise above this and you can choose not to allow anything that is said to hurt you. Make that choice, take control and forgive. I will look forward to hearing from you, after you have practiced this empowerment. You look in the mirror and repeat after me...
I am all that and a box of Godiva!