On Front Street

Stop Right There; If you are under 18, you may want to get permission to read this!!!

Hey Aunt B,

I really want to move to Beverly Hills CA but my parents don't i hate living in england so much. I had to move school a few months ago because i was getting bullied the main reason why i want to move is because Beverly Hills is so glamorous, sunny and the schools there seem so much better then in England. Sometimes i feel like because my mum and dad don't want to move there i should just run away and go there on my own, but its not as easy as that. My dream is to become an actress i love doing performing arts in school and i can imagine myself behind a camera. what should i do i know that if i move to Beverly Hills then i can pursue my dreams but my mum and dad don't want to. please help me what should i do? x

Dear X,

Far be it from me to try to burst your bubble as I do enjoy your vim and vigor and your clear cut case of drive. I respect your dream, as well. Mark my words though; You must think things through entirely, all the days of your life, in every situation, especially this one. Imagine you are watching a video tape of your life and your decisions and try to see the end of that movie.

Here in America, many girls have the same dream of fame and fortune. Very few make it. I don't know how old you are but before you do something you'll regret, I'm going to put it all out there for you. We call it putting it all on Front Street. That means I am going to be blunt and tell you like it is.

We'll start at the beginning of this hypothetical tape, this movie of your life;

1. I don't know any parent who would/could simply pick up and move across the Sea, to sunny California, simply because their child asks them to. So, put away that resentment towards your parents for not accommodating you. It costs a lot of money to move across town much less across the Atlantic Ocean or wherever. There's a lot of paperwork involved as well, Visa's etc.,They'd have to have a lot of "disposable" income, just for starters. They'd have to have jobs set up, a home purchased and Real Estate in California is extremely expensive.
2. So, you decide to run away? How will you get to America? Plane? That costs at least $800 to $1000. Where will you get that kind of money?
3. Assuming you somehow make it to Cali, where will you live? With what money will you buy your daily food, even if it's one meal a day?
4. Oh, so you say you'll get a job? Well, I don't know how old you are but in the States, you usually have to have your parents signature on the Work Permit.
   Read what it says, on the California Labor Laws site. about your required education, too; Almost all minors under the age of 18 are subject to California's child labor protections. Under the California Labor Code, "minor" is defined as any person under the age of 18 years required to attend school under the provisions of the Education Code, and any person under age six. "Dropouts" are subject to California's compulsory education laws, and thus are subject to all state child labor law requirements. Emancipated minors, while subject to all California's child labor laws, may apply for a work permit without their parents' permission.

X, I could go on and on. The problem here is I would do you a great disservice, if I encouraged you to follow through with this idea. Furthermore, I would hate for you to end up a statistic, here in the States or even in England, on girls who runaway and end up abused, addicted to drugs and this happens here as well as England and the rest of the world. They didn't think it through. They were not as smart as you and didn't seek counsel, opinion or understanding.

When I write for this Advice Column, I not only write to you personally but I hope others will read these posts. It is my wish for young people, especially, to possibly learn from my own mistakes, from my out and out stupidity. Yes, I was a... "Know-it-All" and you could not tell me a thing. Nope, I had to learn all things the hard way. Then, when I was backed into a corner, a corner that I most likely placed myself in, I felt, often times that I had no choice. But if I learned nothing else in my 49 years is that we have a choice in every single flippin situation. The problem is that we are too impulsive, we jump and we don't think things through. We don't play that tape, that glimpse of our life and what the outcome of our actions will be.

Don't be a Know-it-All, like I was. Every day, here in America and abroad, girls and guys alike, run away from home, in search of a better life. They never looked at the bigger picture. They were not mature enough to be able to see things as they really are. What I mean by this is that quite often we think we have it real bad at home. Sometimes, this is true. For those that are oppressed by bad parents and are in abusive, neglected, alcoholic, drug addicted homes, it is almost understandable to not want to live in those conditions. God help them.

We get sick of our parents hounding us, sick of being under their rule and hearing such things as, "As long as you live under this roof, you will follow the rules of this house." We think they're just being mean and treating us like we are mindless kids. They tell us when to go to bed, what to eat, who we can hang around with and who we can't. They tell us we have to go to school, when we hate school and feel like those stupid teachers aren't teaching us anything, really anyway. I can remember thinking that I did not need to learn those stupid fractions, where Uganda is, all about Chemistry, I mean really, when was I going to mix chemicals?

They yell at us cause we're on the phone too much and because we don't do our homework and on and on and on. I didn't think I needed that Sex Education class cause I sure knew how to have sex. I even remember thinking I could teach them a thing or two.

I think having to go to school was the biggest thing I felt I didn't need. But I did need it and so do you. You'll need those fractions just to follow a simple recipe. You'll need to know the effects of chemicals mixed. Yes even those household chemicals like bleach and ammonia have the ability to kill you, if mixed. Unless you want to seem like a back woods idiot, there are certain things in life, things they teach in school, just to be able to hold an intelligent conversation and to understand what is being said.

And remember me saying I could teach those Sex Educators a thing or two? Well, it is a bit painful to admit but even at the age of 15, when I thought I knew it all, I didn't. My Step-Mom was on Birth Control. When you take those pills everyday, they give you 30-31 pills to take. There are 7 that are either sugar pills or a low dose of estrogen. They give you those, quite often to keep you in the habit of taking them or to to keep that dose in your system. Normally, you go on your period for those 7- days. Anyway, like an idiot, I saw they were in the linen closet and decided to take one, for a Friday night outing. I was going to a party and figured this would cover me from getting pregnant. How stupid. I did this more than a few times and am only fortunate I did not get pregnant.

Oh, but I did not come out of my teen years unscathed. Just in case you don't read the link I provided, I'll tell you that I became pregnant shortly after my 16th Birthday, after running away from home. But I never thought it would happen to me. Sex Education taught us the rudimentary facts of life but we knew it all, ha!

I have to warn you about what happens to girls who run away, go to the Big Apple/ New York City or to Hollywood with an unplanned, not thought out desire to make it big in show biz...a life of Drugs, Stripping and Prostitution. More often than not, they are led to take care of themselves the only way their unskilled, unschooled, unplanned selves can. You'd be surprised what you might consider doing when you are on the street and hungry!

A job at McDonald's is not going to pay your rent, utilities or food. You have nothing to offer the corporate world and that's the only kind of job you may be lucky enough to get. In case you didn't know it, there is stiff competition out there these days. People with High School Diplomas are even having a hard time getting a good paying job. You'll see people with a college degree finding it difficult to find placement because somebody who had better scores on their SAT's will be considered first.

Yep, to make ends meet so they don't have to sleep on the street, these girls either hook up with some pimp who preys on their vulnerable situation, namely being on the street and he puts them to work. Oh sure, he'll give you a nice warm place to lay your weary self down at night but you can bet you'll be bringing in the money and handing it to him. If you are lucky, he'll buy you a nice outfit, so you'll be a better package on the street. It's cold outside but you are walking those mean streets. You'll be wondering why you ever left the comfort of your home, where there were people who actually really loved you. You'll wish you could be where people love you for you and not just want you for your body.

Many Firsts

Then one day you look in the mirror at someone who's aged beyond their years because they lived a rough life. You won't have any more tears left to cry. You'll be able to understand better than most, just how and why an addict is born; It shuts up the pain. That pain, you brought upon yourself. That addiction, yes, you developed it, first to possibly give you the courage to go out and have sex with a perfect stranger. Yes, you instantly got that courage from a bottle of liquor, that first swig you needed that very first time, you had to take your clothes off in front of howling men hoping they will stick a $1 in your G-String. You do it all just so you had an accumulated bunch of $1 bills to pay the rent for a grimy apartment on the bad side of town.

Or you can stay put, nice and warm with your clothes on, get your education, get a part-time job, save the money, put it aside and work towards your dream. Plan it, be safe and don't become a statistic.

Meet Mrs. Know It All; How to Screw Up Your Life

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

PS, Please make sure you read what Xmichra has personally written to you. It's excellent advice. Chow!

Dear X,

First, I would like to tell you this: DO NOT RUN. Running will never solve your problems, and most certainly will make them 100% worse.

Second: I can understand that you have a dream to pursue, but your parents are trying to be the best parents they can be. They moved you from one school for your own protection and mental health. That should be evidence to you that they love you and would be so tremendously hurt if you were to defy them and choose to move whole countries away from them without looking at solutions in your own home.

Thirdly: what I mean by the above, is that there are plenty of great acting studios, colleges, universities in your area that are world renown AND within your cost of living. Both of which you are NOT guaranteed if you were to move to Hollywood.

Hollywood does seem glamorous, but for the most part it is all a farce. There are thousands of actors and actress wannabe’s there just dying for their “lucky break”, and plenty of those people do unspeakable things (like staring in pornography, taking elicit pictures of themselves, or dealing drugs) just to try and make connections and get known. And not saying that you would do this… but what the heck would you do?? Work at a diner somewhere for minimum wage? Try to live in economized housing or shared living where you are not in the best of environment and need that dinner job just to pay the rent? Then not being able to go to auditions because you have to work? Or worse getting turned down for auditions because you haven’t been schooled?

This has the potential to be the biggest mistake in your entire life. So why risk that? Especially when England has SOOOO much to offer!! Look at this:

http://east15.ac.uk/

http://www.lipa.ac.uk/standard/index.htm

http://www.drama.ac.uk/

http://www.oldvic.ac.uk/

http://www.spa.ex.ac.uk/drama/welcome.shtml

http://www.gsmd.ac.uk/

http://www1.rhbnc.ac.uk/drama/

http://www.act-up.co.uk/

http://www.physicaltheatre.com/main/index.asp

http://actorspace.co.uk/

http://www.mountview.ac.uk/

Those are just eleven of the schools that I found, and they vary in location (London, Bromley by Bow, Birmingham, Lavander Hill, London, Surrey, Exeter, Bristol, Liverpool). And there are hundreds of English actors who have worked their way into the “Hollywood scene” just by being good a their craft. Examples??

Hugh Grant : Won a scholarship to New College, Oxford. He studied English Literature and graduated with upper second-class honors degree. He made his acting debut from and Oxford financed play – “Privileged” and his first big movie was BRITISH not American. He stared in Four Weddings and a Funeral which gave him instant star status.

Orlando Bloom – wasn’t all that great in school (he had dyslexia) so his mother encouraged him to move to London and pursue his strength: acting. He followed a two year A level course in Drama, photography and sculpture at Fine Arts College, Hampstead. Then he joined the National Youth theatre and earned a scholarship to train at the British American Drama Academy. He acted on tv shows in England and then went to Guildhall School of Music and Drama (England) to study acting. After TWO DAYS of graduating from there, he was cast as Legolas in Lord of the Rings, which made Orlando a huge success and a household name (never mind all the awards and fan clubs and what have you).

Want more examples??? There are THOUSANDS:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:English_actors

So, I guess if I were to advise you I would say do your research to follow your dreams. You can have the best of intentions, but if you are not smart about your choices your dreams can fade quickly and you will be left with an emptiness you have never felt. There are plenty of great resources that you can harness, and one of those would be through your own school. Join a drama class. Make your dream happen. But do not think for one second that a fairy with a magic wand just puts these people where they are… it is all earned. And you will have to earn it too.

Good luck to you, and I hope to see you on the big screen one day :)

~Xmichra.

The Royal Flush

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

I just don't know what to do?

Hi, and how are you today? Better then me I hope. N-E-Ways. I am a 23 year old female married to a 40 year old and have a relationship problem. I feel in order for you to fully understand my situation, I should give you some past information. See I met my husband about 4 or 5 years ago. I was with my ex and doing drugs and prostituting. He was a guy that picked me up. He was married at the time, but like all men say, he said his relationship was on the rocks and they slept in different rooms, exc. He came by to see me just about everyday and we became close, very close. He would pick me up and we wouldn't do anything sexual most of the time, we would just talk. Well I ended up leaving my ex for him. He divorced his wife and we are now married and living together as of 11/05. I have not done drugs since I have been with him, well I did slip once, but that was all. See we were all drunk and he ended up having sex with my sister, I left went back to my ex for about a week and got high. But we worked things out and I came back. He is a very controlling man. I am not allowed to talk to my family, which I can understand considering my mom is a real bad crack addict. But he doesn't want me having any friends. He says I can have friends, so I do have 2. But every time I talk to them he gets mad I'm on the phone. I am not allowed to go out anywhere with them. Nothing! I don't work, and I don't have a car. Well I had a car, but he sold it because He didn't want me to have that much freedom. I have a seizure disorder. So basically my life consists of staying home all the time, taking care of his 13 year old son, cleaning, cooking, and giving oral sex to my husband on demand, which is a least once a day. Now there are a few things I don't know what to do about. His son is 13 and he buys him whatever he wants. I suggested that maybe it is about time for his son to help out around the house. I'm not saying he has to do everything, but making his bed and taking the garbage out I think are reasonable request. He only makes his bed when I yell and even then usually my husband will do it for him and the garbage sits there till I get sick of looking at it and end up taking it out, or my husband once again does it for him. I get frustrated because I tell him to do something then his dad does it for him and it's sending the message that he does not have to listen to me. I tried talking to my husband and I turn into a bad guy for "picking on a 13 year old" What should I do???? Now my other problem. Back to the friends thing. I Started a my space account and started chatting with people on line. I posted pictures and people vote on them. We about a two weeks ago this guy john sent me a message. I wrote him back and told him to vote on my picture. Well we have been writing and joking around. He read my profile and saw I lived in PDistrust, Taken for Granted,ortage and I guess he lives like 4 hours away. Well he sends me a message joking saying he can't vote on my picture because a picture don't do justice and he wanted to see what I really looked like. I didn't respond. Two days later I got a new message from him saying he voted me a 10. So I left him a comment saying "Hey babe, thanks for taking all the time to come all the way over here to see me so and rating me a ten." Now I didn't mean it in the way that he actually came out here, I was being sarcastic because of his previous comment. Well my husband likes to check up and see the sites I go to on line and I guess he went to this guys page and say what I said. He got mad and started accusing me of having guys over and stuff. I told him he was really taking the message the wrong way. That How it sounds is not how it was meant. But he was still just being mean about it. So in order to make him feel better I deleted my, my space ,account. That way I couldn't be accused of nothing. I would rather go without talking to anyone then talking to people and being accused of cheating. So I thought that was the end of it, but when I called him on his cell phone later, I said hey papa. He goes" what are you calling me papa for you called john babe" I told him there was no meaning behind it. I have the two friends who are both females and I call them dear, and honey. He knows that. I didn't mean any harm by it and I deleted the whole my space account just to prove it, why is he still being an ass about it. So, what should I do??? What else can I do?? I love him but I don't know if this relationship is more trouble then it is worth. He is a ultimately a good man. But it seems as if he loves fighting over stupid petty stuff. I love him so much and everything I do is to please him. I cook everyday. The house is always clean. I don't cheat. I don't go out. I give him head on demand. What else could a man want. I just don't know what to do. Please help me. I am desperate.

Sincerely,

Confused Krissy




Aunt B said...

Dearest Krissy,
This one is easy, a no brainer, yet it's one of the most complicated letters, I've received to date. I have very mixed emotions here, I really do. I've been in that "Controlled" situation. Quick homework assignment;
Stockholm Syndrome.
I did your life for close to 19 years. so I do have a grasp of the situation. I danced topless when my 1st husband found me, I thought he rescued me. The man adored me but after a few years, I grew weary of being Fathered by my husband. But then, I jumped from the frying pan into the fire with #2 and he was so controlling and abusive. "I" changed who I was to meet his needs. I quit talking to family, friends and basically became secluded. My children were my refuse and yet, if I showed any affection towards them, when he was around, he found something to bitch them out about.
If we choose to, as people often do, we can find redeeming qualities in a rattlesnake. That is what I did and often told him he had the passion of one.
It is possible, that you have done the same thing. Right or wrong, this is something you either accept as your lot in life or you rise above it.
Example; he slept with your sister, ouch, that's gotta hurt. But it doesn't sound to me as if you are throwing it in his face. He may genuinely be hurt or may have a lack of trust because he does think that you fooled around with the MySpace guy. But he is also using it to keep you in check. He just doesn't know how good he's got it. But he's gambling that if he makes you feel like a little whore, you'll do your best to be a good girl and try to make it up to him. Fuck, I hate to say it girlfriend, but you're every man's dream of the perfect Concubine. Now, don't take offense to that. I'd call you a Courtesan but he's not royalty. Would sex slave,housekeeper, babysitter be a better term? He just doesn't know how good he's got it or maybe he does and is doing his best to keep you in your place, know where you are at all times and make you never give any attention to anything or anybody but him. When they come out with the Robotic capabilities of life size, life like women, I'm sorry but you will be replaced. A robot won't bitch about his kid or sass back, right?
His kid needs to do what he's told and respect what you ask of him. What he's breeding is a lazy little shit who'll screw up and never take responsibility, will not have good habits ingrained in him and will probably not have good habits. Often, we need to be good parents and less of a friend to our children, for their own good. But if his Dad or you tell him to do something and he doesn't and Dad turns around and picks up the slack, then the kid thinks his Dad is a chump and he can get away with shit. Mark my words, that kid will look for easy targets, the rest of his life. No, it's the little things like that, which are teaching tools and Dad is setting a pretty bad example. Making your bed and taking out the garbage are next to nothing and if he can't manage that, you watch, he'll not make it in the big bad world. Nope, we have to know that there are true and real consequences for our actions or we don't take life seriously. He sure as hell, doesn't respect his Dad or he'd do what was reasonably asked.
Back to you. Krissy, you're going to have to ask yourself, really what do you want in this life? I'm quite sure, it's not the lifestyle that hooking offers. That is one of the harshest worlds and you may feel like this guy saved you from that stark reality. In a sense he did. I want you to begin to gather your strength. I want you to begin to feel like more than a sex toy. I want you to look in the mirror and see the really wonderful woman you are. I want you to see, what you have to offer, to give, to some guy that deserves you. I could tell you that you deserve better but you don't believe it, now do you?
My advice to you is this; I don't think that you really realize that you are holding a hand full of Aces. What is the absolute worst thing this guy can do to you? Can he send you packing and back to a life, working the streets? Well, yes he could send you packing but he won't, he's not stupid. He'd be giving up the all time dream gig. If he is not abusive, which you didn't mention and I hope that is not going on, as I've been there, then what can he really do to you, you know to really hurt you? You've already lived a rough life and I'm sure you don't want to go back to hustling, I wouldn't but if it happened tomorrow, it sure wouldn't be the worst thing, would it as you can handle it. I'm not encouraging you to go back out. What I'm saying is I want you to put things back into perspective and look at your life as it is, can be, could be and what it won't be if you do not realize that in fact, you are calling the shots! Now, let's weigh this out for him, ok? Before you; He can go back to his lonely life, making his kids bed, doing his own housework, eating crappy meals and even paying for his sex. OR, he can wise up, realize that he has a good gal, who's not afraid of life and living it, keeps his home for him, looks after and tries to encourage his brat teen kid to do the right thing so he may just be an asset to his community, instead of a burden, cooks him a hot meal and his most certainly a woman any man would look forward to coming home to? I'm telling you, he will not throw all this away! He would be a fucking idiot, if he did and I'm quite sure that he's aware of it or was at one point. I think you may need to remind him. I ask you to take a chance and have him read this, if you dare. In the event that he does, I want him to realize just what he has, that so many men would wish they had. Even if you are not a princess or the best looking chick to walk down the pike, you can do better than to be treated any less than you should be or any less than a good woman deserves. I'll bet you just didn't see it this way. I also have a personal message for you and will include it with this link. I wish you only the very best. I encourage you to look in the mirror and stop sabotaging yourself. You've put yourself through enough already, it is your turn to have a good moment in life. You deserve to be happy and I hope you hear me.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B