Hi Aunt B,
My name is Robert. My wife and I just moved back to Wichita, KS about 2 weeks ago. I am totally disabled from 3 failed back surgery's and have been on large doses of oxycontin and and actiq (fentanyl lozenges). We have had a problem with money disappearing for 6 years. I know it was my step-daughter but my wife would not admit to it and we did not have any actual proof that it was her, and she does not live with us. My step-daughter had come over yesterday to visit. My wife, step-daughter and I were heading out the back door to go swimming in our pool. My step-daughter was right behind us and went back in the house for about 5-10 minutes before coming out. She said that she had to go to the bathroom. Later that evening my wife was looking for a $10.00 bill that she had in her purse. Well it was not there and she got upset and suspected her daughter. When her daughter went to take a shower my wife got her daughters purse to see if she had taken it. But instead of finding her money she found a full day supply of my medication in her daughters purse. You would not believe how mad and upset I was. We always keep my meds locked up in a lock-box. My wife told my step-daughter the code to the lock-box a month ago, when she was visiting for the weekend, because she had forgotten to leave my meds out for me before she went to work. We would never had thought that she would ever take any since she has seen me without my medications, when an ambulance had to come take me to the hospital after being bed ridden for 4 days in very sever pain. One day supply without my medication will put me in the hospital. We counted the rest of my pain meds and discovered that I am short 3 full days of medication. My wife was so upset and could not believe her daughter did that. We need some advice of what we should do!! She says she does not have a drug problem. We cannot put her in rehab because she is 24 years old, I have already checked on that.
I know what I want to do to her but that would put me in jail. I am worried that this situation will end up causing a divorce and I do not want to lose my wife. My wife has always been too nice to her because her father was strict with her when they were still married. My step-daughter is very rude to everyone especially her mother. You would not believe how she talks to her mom and how she treats her. Every time she would leave our house and go back to Kansas, to her own house, my wife would cry and wish her daughter would never come back to visit. But after a week or two she would forget how bad her daughter treats her, and she would act like everything was ok. My step-daughter thinks only of herself and does not care if she hurts anyone by what she says or does to anyone, Do you have any advice on how we should deal with this situation??? We really need help on this, without leading to a divorce!!!!
PLEASE HELP US!!!!!!!!
Dear Robert, I must admit, this situation has to be upsetting. I am one who deals in pain and although I'm not on strong pain killers, if someone did take mine, I'd be fit to be tied. You have every right in the world to be upset, after all the trangression, was against you and ultimately, you will suffer for it.
The other side of the coin is that it's often hard for a Mom to face their child's dirt. It is often painful and we'd rather forgive and forget, maybe even look the other way. Then, in your anger at the situation, your wife would become a bit protective. It's natural and you must forgive her for it.
What's done is done but you must make some precautions, so it never happens again. Also, you know her capability, so you must be one step ahead. Put your money up, if she visits, lock up your meds with a different lock and you now know, she can't be trusted.
The biggest problem here, that I see, is if your wife, her Mother, does over look this and just let it go. If she does, she is doing a great disservice upon her daughter and may not even realize it.
It's called **"Enabling." When it comes to the destructive behavior of addiction, the people who care most for the addict/alcoholic, often, are the people who are most hurt by the addict. Unfortunately, the family member tries desperately to help the addict/alcoholic but end up making it easier for the addict/alcoholic to progress to the advanced stages of the addiction or alcoholism.
By sweeping it under the carpet, she is actually allowing the behavior or enabling. I realize you seek advice, to help understand this situation. An addict does things, they are not proud of, to get their way and in their minds, they will justify it. We, and I say we, because I am an addict with a devious track record but we tend to make excuses for our behavior and try to turn off our conscience.
Your step-daughter, I don't believe, did this out of malicious intent, she most likely did it figuring, well, you've got a boat load and won't miss it. But the fact remains, that just about everything we do, including what she did to you, has cause and effect, action and reaction. Now, you will either do without or have to go to the hospital because of intense pain. The other side of the matter is that if you are on such strong pain killers and you are used to taking them, your body will go into withdrawal with out them. Runny nose, coughing, diarrhea, stomach cramps from hell, shaking, anxiety, not to mention the heightened pain.
I do not think they, meaning your wife and step-daughter understand the importance of this to you. But in the event that they do, it is a necessary situation that needs to be addressed.
I think Mom needs to realize that she's got a problem on her hands, if she does not address this. People have been known to OD on someone else's drugs, especially if they do not take them as they were designed. She needs to be aware that, she must play hardball with her daughter and begin to plant seeds towards getting help.
All the want, on your part, in the world, can not get your step-daughter to see her way to help, until it suggested and she begins to see things as they really are. I suggest that you have your wife read this and the two of you, try to study up on addiction. It never gets better until we admit we have a problem. By telling her that what she did was wrong and standing up to it, planting that seed of, "Hey, you need to get help," is probably your only answer. It was illegal, for her to steal your meds. Make sure she knows that you could charge her for it. It may be your leverage for her to listen, to you.
**In literature, you may read, a reference to the alcoholic. Chemical Dependency is all the same and you may want to substitute, as you read, the word, "Alcoholic," to read, "Addict."
Guest Advisor, "Soulseer" said;
Here are some links that you can offer ,one is for the A&E show intervention.The other is a national database on how to go about an intervention.Obviously the girl has issues! I think you need to think like the girl,get into her head,so to speak ,use your empathy.Then think if you were her , what help would you maybe except. An intervention is probably the way to go ,although she would have to agree to going to rehab.I think she'll fight , but may realize how much her family TRULY cares.It's a touchy subject! They have to quit being victims , & find some way to resolve this. Starting with getting a new lock box for the meds,ya know.
The Mom needs to wake up , quit coddling her daughter.The fact that she's hurting the man who tries to be a father figure ,& suffers from debilitating pain , should show the mother ,the daughter is in need of some FORCED HelpBEFORE she has to hit"rock bottom".They truly need to quit being victims , they owe it to their spiritual ,& emotional well being.HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thats just my opinion ,& take on it.:)