Dear Aunt B,
I'm 19, and I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years.we moved out into our own apartment to start college this year. He let himself get kind of chunky, and we're more like buddies these days. Sex has dried up. We both still REALLY love each other. I want to make this work because I can't imagine leaving him. I always thought I'd marry him one day, but I'm scared that I'll trap myself into a sexless marriage. I never want to have sex. I think it's because I'm not into him like that. I've been afraid that I fell out of love with him, but that's not the case at all. We're still so much closer then just friends. We're a couple, we just aren't romantic. We've talked about it. He's trying to slim down. but I'm afraid that it's not the only issue. I feel almost platonic towards him. He's such a sweet guy for not being upset with me over this. Any advice?
You two are already like an old married couple, you just don't have the official papers to prove it. See, this could have happened to you, even if you had married him. It happens to so many couples, every day, all the time.
Even though you are not married, you are living as man and wife, going through all the motions and emotions of a married couple. Thus, I will address it as such, hopefully you might separate the two. Get my drift?
In a past and present tense, you mentioned that you might marry him one day. Even if you never marry this fella, you might take these words and apply it.
Marriage is a two way street, a business contract, if you will, a piece of paper and nothing more...unless...you utter the words, your vows to each other, with meaning, held close to your heart. More importantly is the realization that marriage is something that must be worked on, a constant circle of effort.
The wedding band should serve to remind you, not only of the circular, infinite, never ending love but also that never ending need for effort in making things work. After all, love, marriage, as well as life in general is all a matter of perspective, it is what we make it, what we choose to make it and how we choose to perceive it.
Words are words and just as you might tell someone that you "love them," if you don't mean it completely, they are more or less meaningless words. Also, of course, there are varying degrees and emotion attached to words. Only you might know the degree or value of those words.
I actually think it's a good thing that you question the validity of your relationship. While sex should never be the entirety of or a basis for complete balance in any relationship, I do think it's important to be attracted to your partner.
I like the fact that you two are friends because, if you ask me, the very best of relationships, the ones that last the longest were based upon friendship first. The next important factor, one I'd like you to take notice of, is the word surrounded in and of "Affection," or "Affectionate Behavior."
Long after sex, or the sexual act is gone, in a marriage, hopefully the affection still exists. Affection in my mind is a simple touch, holding of hands, a quick swat on the backside...a word so full of emotion it can hardly be contained or described. The question here becomes;
Do you both have affection for each other? Is your relationship an affectionate one?
It's certainly important to this situation, just how you answered those two questions. Sex is not as important, in my opinion, as is affection, your sense of endearment for one another. But the fact remains, that for you, sex is an important issue, so we must look at it and your situation.
I only have what you have written to go on. I can see that personal appearance is a chief attribute to how you see your mate as well as your sexual attraction. I would say you are statistically sound in your feelings as the vast majority of people are first sexually attracted to appearance rather than personality. You are not alone.
I'd hope you've noticed an effort on your boyfriends part to slim down in order to please you. I certainly hope you will see that effort and make your own efforts to please him by possibly examining your feelings. Again, you are not alone as millions of women suffer from the same dilemma.
As I mentioned before, marriage/relationships are a two way street. They take effort on the part of both of you. It's a conscience effort to please each other. But it's essential to note that sex should never be considered a chore or done simply out of, what we used to call, "the wifely duties." How gross is that, hah?
I would like you to examine a few things, consider a few elements of what makes you tick. Between just you and I, I'll ask this simple question, "Are you ever sexually attracted," meaning does anybody else trip your trigger? I ask this because I do believe there are times in a girls life where her hormones or lack thereof can cause a lack of sexual urge. Medications as well as birth control can change and alter those urges. Look at all these possibilities before you write this situation off as a mere lack of attraction.
Good sex between couples, takes a combination of feelings, emotion as well as attraction. It takes more than just desire. But just as marriage takes that conscience effort, so too does it take effort to please your partner.
Quite often, women can not orgasm without the extra help/clitoral stimulation. More often than not, we fake an orgasm because we don't want to hurt our partners feelings. Sad but true!
Somewhere along the lines, through the years, instead of addressing the situation/scenario we simply looked the other way and we accepted the inevitable; An orgasmic less existence.
The crux of the matter is to boldly go where few men have gone before; Tell your lover your little secret...or...hint at your need for clitoral stimulation. (Try buying a vibrator. Use it him first maybe during copulation, then it may not be perceived as a threat. Then, allow him to use it on you, bada bing bada boom)
"Experts report approximately a third of women have an orgasm through vaginal penetration."Source: Dr. Sandra R. Scantling
If you get no pleasure from your sexual relationship, it certainly becomes a chore. Yuk! Besides a bit of intimacy, the knowledge that your partner is pleased and you've done your duty...all work and no play makes you a dull and displeased girl.
My advice to you, is not to give in or give up but to make an effort at changing the outcome of all this. In my humble opinion, you two are made for each other, soulmates, it's meant to be. It just needs a little tweaking, a tad bit of TLC and a big swatch of genuine savoir-faire.
Keeping It Real,
Possibly try working on the sexual aspect of your relationship. Take a day devoted only to working on your levels of intimacy. Make sure it's as stress free as possible. Let it come to you without the emphasis being, "Oh, we're going to have sex tonight," but simply allow it to happen. If you want it to work, you have to work on it.
Maybe, you could both write down why you'd want to have sex, looking at the good reasons for it. The pro's and con's of it. If it's not hurtful, exchange notes with each other as to why you DO NOT want to have sex, i.e. "I feel this way" or "that way" which prevents me from wanting to have sex. Be mindful of each others feelings before you might exchange these thoughts. If they might hurt your mate, look at whether or not your feelings are actually true or valid, fair or unfair?
Make a list of what it is that you are attracted to, about each other, i.e., "your smile" or maybe, "your laughter" or possibly, "the considerate things you do for me." So it's a positive aspect of looking at your relationship, share these good feelings with one another.
It's always a good thing to share the positive parts of your relationship, never assuming that your partner already knows how you feel. After sharing this bit of positive feedback, you just might find yourself remembering what it was in the first place, which attracted you to one another. Next thing you know...you're doing the "Horizontal Mambo."
Hoping To Help,