Dear Aunt B,
I have nowhere to turn with this issue, so here I go putting my question to a complete stranger....
Perhaps I am just looking for validation.
In any case, here goes...
My girlfriend of 30 years is going through a divorce. When she first brought her future husband around, we all thought he was gay, but hey, it was the 80's, and many lines were blurred. She married him, had 2 children lickety-split, and then the sex stopped. Now, 22 years later, she's having her moment of clarity, hooked up with an old boyfriend, feels pretty again, and wants a divorce. Her children are very troubled, particularly her son, who flew off the handle one night after they had collected him from the police station and called his father a faggot, and told him that he knew all about his internet escapades.
Her husband is a powerful man, with good lawyers. He is, in fact, the superintendent of a large school district. She felt that in order to leverage herself for the fight (husband suspects infidelity on her part), she had better bring some ammunition of her own to the table.
She put a SpyBot on his computer. It turns out that this man has regular anonymous sex with many male partners, but, here's the kicker, his Craigslist ad states that he must be the "father" and his partner for the evening his "son". My friend is sick over this and wonders if he has ever touched their son.
This man works with children for almost 10 months out of the year. Do you think the district should be notified? I'm sure he uses his work computer for the same purpose.
I cannot speak to anyone about this, I'll be shunned. Everyone is just hoping she gets out with half. I don't think that's good enough. If my kids were in his district, I'd be the first to notify them, no question about it. But I'm far away, and I don't want to ruin anyone's life, and is it really even my business?
Any advice on what to do, internet stranger?
Dear Karen F,
Wow, that's pretty creepy, isn't it? I would also imagine, rather frustrating to say the least.
Yes, it's a damn shame your G-Friend wasted so many good years of her life...and yet, I do believe we all go through things in our life for good reason. She just must simply find that reason.
The first thing I'd like to reiterate is that you make sure your friend understands that this happened through no fault of her own. This man was born gay, that's it and that's all.
What happened is that he tried to live by Societal rules or rather live by the status quo, you know what we all consider normality. but has since succumbed to his True Self. That "true self" sounds rather deviant though, doesn't it? I am completely grossed out by it just as you are.
Yes Karen, it's one thing to be Gay, be true to oneself and desire the same sex, find someone to love, in what can be considered a wholesome gay relationship. It's quite another story when you're gay and are having sex with anything that walks down the pike, night after night. It's also flirting with death as well as disaster.
Again, I do firmly believe that you are born gay. And I see nothing wrong with people who search for love in a gay relationship, possibly even using Craigslist or something similar. Of course love being the primary and paramount word/piece in this issue.
However, I do also believe that God does not care much for deviance. And yes, there is a big difference between the two ways of conducting ones self in relation to being Gay.
There are a few important issues to consider here though. For one; Although it's abhorrent in my book to play this game that this fella is alluding, concerning where, "he must be the "father" and his partner for the evening his "son" as you wrote, it does not mean he's a Pedophile. (I realize that you did not say that he was)
Breaking that down, his behavior may indicate, what appears as pedophilia or rather a desire for young boys but it is clearly not the audience he is entertaining.
What I am trying to say is that he may not be acting upon any desire for a prepubescent child, which is the guideline as to the definition of pedophilia. Well, let's pray to God he's not as his position in the School District would surely allow an array of opportunity.
I suppose what I am trying to say is that you must be certain that you understand that the fact that he enjoys young men and playing this game does not mean he is a pedophile. Stranger than fiction, he may very well have a taste for toying with the "Twinks."
In example, trying to put it all into perspective, you have a huge populace of men who have a taste for that "School Girl." They may even go as far as to ask their significant to dress up in that fashion. Now, this does not in any way, shape or form imply that they are pedophiles nor does it mean that they'll act out or upon those desires with, per say, a child in a school girl uniform. The mind set itself are, in actuality, two totally and completely different. I do hope you agree?
Personally, this mans behavior, well, I find it rather offensive as well as disgusting but his Craigslist post is, I believe, designed to attract the aforementioned Twink.
As well, there's no legal wrong being committed, at least on the surface as the posts are designated for young men that are 18 or older. Craigslist has the site designed for 18 & up with the following disclaimer;
craigslist > men seeking men > warning & disclaimerUnless all of the following points are true, use your "back" button to exit this part of craigslist:
- I am at least 18 years old.
- I understand "men seeking men" may include adult content.
- I agree to report suspected exploitation of minors and/or human trafficking to the appropriate authorities.
- By clicking on the links below, I release craigslist from any liability that may arise from my use of this site.
Choosing safer sex for you and your partner greatly reduces the risk of contracting STDs including HIV -- you can get answers to your safer sex questions, courtesy of staff members at the SF city clinic
craigslist has implemented the PICS content labeling system to assist parents and others who may be interested in content filtering. The PICS system is compatible with most commercially available as well as open source content control software packages.
I'm a bit perplexed as to how to advise you simply because this is such a delicate situation. What comes to mind though, is for your G-Friend to take all of her evidence and present it to her soon to be ex-husband. She can then write the end to this tumultuous chapter, I believe.
What I'm saying is that if she let's him know what evidence she has, he's going to accommodate her in every way possible so that she does not bring it all to the surface and make it all public.
I mean, if you think about it, he has really gone out of his way, all these years to keep all this under his hat. I'd be willing to bet that he does not want the public, especially the school district to know all this. After all, in light of public opinion, it will not sit well with anyone that their leader is behaving in a less than favorable fashion and still dealing with children on the daily.
I suppose what I'm implying is that she most certainly has an Ace up her sleeve and it's just about time to play that hand. She should win the game.
Keeping It Real,