Tuesday, October 17, 2006
This is a letter sent to Aunt B via email...
Hi! i just wanted some advice on my life in general. I had been injured at
my job and hadnt worked for 20 months. I have permanent damage to my arms
and hands which i am now not able to do many jobs. I was on compensation but was kicked off with little payments for my damages. i was pretty well hung
out to dry by myself with no help for finding a new career or anything. the
problem is that i had a decent job but had to leave it because i was
switched departments and i couldnt physically do the new job, so i had to
leave. now i have no job. I also have extra debt from my not working before
that i want to take care of like refinance some of it or something. I have 3
kids whom are all in college now. They r doing great.
I have overcome a lot in the last 2 years but still struggle with the job
aspect, im used to making more money and i have bills to pay. Im looking for
a job now that i can actually do physically, but anything i can do has less
pay. So i am really at a crossroads there.
On top of that my husband is just laid off from his job of 5 years. He get
85% of his wages so he is getting paid. Its just everything is wrong right
now. My daughter is away at college and i cant bear it without her too. and
my dog is handicapped on top of that. and also my father has cancer and its
not a recovering kind of cancer. So, pretty much everything is a mess right
now. I dont know really how to handle all these things that r wrong. I
have tried so hard to put everything behind me, but new roadblocks keep
popping up at every turn. Right now i am just looking for a new job or maybe
2 jobs so that i can keep up with everything and get my mind off of other
things. This has been a continually negative time for me but it has lasted
almost two years. I vow that i will turn this all around and i really mean
it and im working so hard to do so, but i just cant seem to get it all
Sometimes you wonder if this is all my life will b for the next 4o years (
im 40 now) what is all the excitement about ????? Its not that great a life
really. I cant get a job that i want because either i cant do the job or if
i get the job they end up checking my sin number and get rid of me because
they find out i had a claim at compensation before. Its not fair and bad
things have happened to me not by my fault particularly but i didnt ask to
get injured or be in this situation. I would like to just finally get on
with my life and i would like to be happy. I havnt been happy for a long
time. Dont get me wrong my husband is great and helps me all the time. But i
havnt been able to contribute anything to this household for the past 2
years which is difficult, because that is why i have extra debt to pay back.
My plan is once i get a new job i can go and get some help to refinance
some of my debt and get paying it off as soon as i can. It guess i think its
all my fault that we r in this spot and im having a hard time changing
things. I just dont know why its so hard for ME to get back on the right
track with my finances and career and my emotions too. I am far to
emotional, i guess from being put thru all of this drama with my injury. I
am now permanently partially disabled and i hate that. I have to have help
with stuff. I really dont like getting help it makes me weak . I amlike mym
father very proud. For someone like me before the injury, i worked full time
and more , kept the house , did the yardwork, gardening , shopping , looked
after a herd of cows as well. Now everything just has fell apart. Even my
freind of 20 years that had gone missing from her home a few months ago, was
found 8 days later and we found out that she commited suicide in the bush
near her house. It was just shocking to us. You see its just a continuous
blurb of roadblocks and obstacles that i have to deal with on an ongoing
basis. I dont know what approach i should take , ive tried to be positive
and all of that. I just need some input or maybe a new direction to go. I
know one thing i have to find a new job right away. I am still going to
interviews and all that but not having much luck. Dont i sound like a loser
???? thanks for any advice you can give!!! I really need it. I cant live
the rest of my life like this or it wont even b worth the effort of gettingup in the morning. Laurie
Aunt B said,
Wow Laurie, you've got a plate full there. I've been where you are and in some ways, I still am. I have disabilities too. It is very hard to step down from making a good living, with a sense of self worth to little or nothing. Been there, done that. I still wrestle with a lot of the same things everyday, that you yourself mention. My Father died from the Big C, I know what you're going through to a certain extent. You are now asking yourself; What more can I take, if any more?
Laurie, I've come to a crossroads in my life, where there's not much more you could do to me that hasn't been done and I mean that in every sense of the word. In that crossroads, I've found a lot of myself and it has shaped who I am and maybe who I will be. It also has afforded me the strength to say what's on my mind, come what may. I've learned from most of my mistakes, gleaned what I could from things that have happened to me in the past and applied it to my Wisdom file.
You may feel right now that there's nothing to learn here but Oooooh there is. Now, we just have to find what it is and why? This will, of course, have to be a personal journey for you. I'm here and you have other people in your life who may support you. But ultimately, this is your fight, right? If you've read anything about me, you'd know that I went to prison, battled heroin addiction, been raped, beaten and seriously injured. I shot my husband because of his beatings. You have to know that I've been through so much. I often wondered in desperation, just what the hell was going on and why me? Let me tell you what I've learned;
When you stop believing in luck coincidence or magic, you begin to see a plan for your life from a Higher Power. It's like a puzzle and each, incident, accident, situation, moment, life in general happenstance, is actually a piece to the Puzzle of Life. With each new adventure and we'll call it that, you get a new piece of the puzzle, the Puzzle of Life, the Big Picture. It's much like a treasure hunt, look for the pieces in a whole new light and begin to put it together. These things that are happening in your life are for a reason. What is the reason?
This is actually the most important thing you'll read and I mean that. I began to put my puzzle together and no longer said, why me? Instead, I chose to look at it in all it's rawness and mold it into a teaching tool and learn from it. When I began to ascertain wisdom from these things, these awful things that had happened, I also began to own it and take back my power. Now, don't think for one minute that I never have calamity in my life. Quite on the contrary, I always have challenges and often feel I'm climbing constantly, one mountain after another.
When I cried out from the very depths of my soul, my Higher Power heard. A simple statement. I don't know what your belief system is but you should incorporate a positive force in your life and ask for help, really ask for help. It is a calming power. You may very well be angry right now, understandably so. Ask for a calm spirit and ask for wisdom. Seek and you shall find. It is true, if you seek it, you'll find it. If you don't have a belief, I'll pray that you find something and you're able to find calm assurance in your life.
Do you feel your pride has been smashed? Boy, do I know how that feels. Prison has a way of taking your pride as well as not being able to do the things you're accustomed to doing because of injury. It's another simple answer; You should not have pride and it will be broken. Is that the lesson, you need to learn? Is it that you've only relied on yourself or husband for all in life? Did you notice that I said I went throught the same things? Not coincedence!
I am not here to preach only to offer you some tools. Put all that in your tool belt along with this: what will it hurt for you to take 5-10-15-20 minutes of your day, go into a quiet room.Be selfish with this time and afford it to yourself. Light some candles. Put on a comfy cover, blanket. Begin to breathe slowly. Take a long slow breath in through your nose and blow it slowly through your mouth as if cooling a spoon of soup. Quiet your mind and take yourself to a place you envision that is safe, a mental picture. Maybe you are walking on the beach or sitting against an old knobby tree wherever you go, make it a safe haven and purge your mind of all this garbage and pain. I call it prayer, you may call it whatever you want but begin to find things to be grateful for, even in this miserable situation. each time you do this, find a new one, a new reason to be joyful. What makes you smile? Was it that baby, looking up at you with unconditional love and trust? Do you remember those times? So, it is with my Higher Power, I look up and He looks back at me with unconditional love and I begin to trust. A smile comes to my face. Then, I just mentally talk and ask for answers and wisdom. I ask what it is that I need to learn. I walk out with renewed strength and hope. It only works if you do it, Laurie. I think you are a very reasonable person. Right now, you may feel so helpless that you may even scoff at what I've said. The healing will begin when you read this and began to ingest it. I guarantee that you will feel better, every time you incorporate these principles till it's as natural as breathing. It becomes second nature.
As I said, this is a personal journey, you are not alone if you truly look for the answers. But I know you can do this and there are answers.
Laurie, I don't know a lot but I know a little and this has worked for me. I hope I've helped, please let me know in the comments, ok and stay in touch. Let the healing begin!