Dear Aunt B;
My fiance passed away about 1 year and a half ago. 6 months after he died I drank more heavily then I'd used to. I was naturally very vulnerable. One day I went to the Pub a few blocks from my place and I sat on the patio and
had a drink by myself. I was immediately approached by a guy my age. We slept together that night. In the morning I felt amazingly connected to him and we went for lunch. He proceeded to call me every day and spend every evening
with me for a week and a half. He started getting paranoid and possessive-there were small little warning signs. He'd accuse me of cheating on him one day when I was out of his sight for 15 minutes, even though I'd told him I was going to the bank.He told me he was seeing a therapist and he
had a history of getting obsessive with woman. This is where it gets crazy.
One day I decided not to answer my phone because I was getting claustrophobic
and I needed my space. He had just finished telling me he wanted to move in
with me, he really liked me and things were just going to fast for me. He
proceeded to call me all day long and the phone calls got weirder and
weirder. At 3:00 a.m., he left a message saying his fortune telling stones
told him that I was cheating on him and that I know that they don't lie. He
left another message saying "You are acting all nice and pretty, but if you
don't toe the line, I will kill you". He the started to climb my balcony. I
called the police and they arrested him and placed a restraining order
against him (their choice, not mine). They hinted that he had a history of
such behavior. I know this makes me sound screwed up, but after a few days I
missed him. We had spent everyday together and we had connected on many
levels. I called him and we continued to sleep together. The sex was
amazing! We also felt very comfortable with one another and we could talk
about anything and everything. My feelings grew stronger and then he became
detached. We would have a very sexual evening and I wouldn't hear from him
for 3 days I would call him and he would be icy cold and tell me that his
lawyer didn't think we should talk. We would argue and then he would come
over and sleep with me again. He became hyper critical of me and my flaws
and constantly focused on them. He would play hot and cold and this
continued for a few months. He ignored me over the Christmas holidays and
finally ended it over the phone. He told me the timing was off and that he
wanted to focus on his career and that I'd changed his life. Afterwards he
completely ignored me for 6 months. I emailed him and he responded one day
and we hooked up yet again. I'd never gotten over him. I dreamed about him
every few nights and thought about him obsessively. He claimed to
have never gotten over me. He said he missed me, he could only truly be
himself around me, he said I was smart. he said there were no other girls.
He had what I interpreted to be amazing sex and another romantic interlude
only to have him ignore me again for a few months. Many men find me
attractive, but I can't get him out of my head. I felt amazing chemistry
with him; it was like I knew him from another life. This happened one more
time and I have never heard from him since the last time. We had sex, but he
told me we were too much alike and their was "bad energy" between us. I have
no idea what he was talking about. He repeatedly puts woman on a pedestal
only to be rejected by them later. I was the one girl who didn't reject him
yet he pushed me away. In the beginning he was the one who was obsessed with
me. Why did he reject me? Why can't I let go? I feel as if there is
lingering baggage between us and I have no sense of closure. Thank-you!
I think you might be playing with fire and ice. They can both be memorable, to say the least but they can be so damaging.
My second husband was like this. One side of me loved the attentiveness, the possessiveness and so on. The other half was being smothered by it and he did the same thing with the accusations, always thinking I was fooling around on him. Eventually, he got help through the V.A. and was found to be Bi-Polar.
Now, we don't know that your fella is Bi-Polar and I'm not implying this. It is not my expertise to even indicate that sort of diagnosis, so I will steer clear of it. I will say, however, that there's a lot of indication of inappropriate behavior. But my concern is not for him, it is with you.
Had you even realized that your obsession with him is because he made a spot in your psyche, when you were at your most vulnerable? You'd just gone through an outrageously traumatic experience and he walks into your life. You were beyond vulnerable and would've done anything to forget the pain. You were distraught and he took that away...temporarily. He filled a huge void and made you forget your pain, of course, you'd welcome that. Anyone would. He told you what you needed to hear, well that doesn't matter. What matters is the fact that, you probably fell head over heels for him because he was such a huge fill in that void.
I can not negate your feelings for him. They are real and any kind of love is real. I'm sure you know, there are different degrees, of love and although he could never replace what you had with your fiance, his kind of love, pulled you through that pain...temporarily. You may, have even have viewed him, as your savior, the saving grace from such pain, pain that was just about unbearable.
What you did, was over look the red flags that kept popping up. You know, the small still voice, inside, kept telling you, something was amiss but you ignored it, didn't you? Something inside tugged at you. On the other hand, your emotion equated him, with not feeling the pain from the death of your fiance, as well. Somewhere inside, something tugs at your heart strings and says he's the fix, for what ails you. But again, it is only a temporary fix.
It is within my scope of reasoning to tell you, that I suggest you get counseling. Why? Because I do believe a couple of things have happened; I don't think you were done grieving from your loss, when you went from the frying pan, into the fire. Now, you crave the passion from that fire, a quick fix, a band-aid. In turn, you've been treated coldly and now you even question yourself, what you are, who you are and even if you're worthy. "Many men find me attractive..."
With this statement, I believe you've questioned your own self-worth. You've been weighing things out, haven't you? One side of you knows damn well, that you are all that and a box of Godiva chocolate.
The other half feels less than and not very attractive, why else wouldn't he respond? Why else wouldn't he not want me?
My own small still voice, my gut instincts, my intuitive side, tells me that nothing good can come from this relationship. Now, if you're not the type to go and pour your heart out to a therapist or maybe you can't for insurance reasons, whatever, I suggest you take a long hard look in the mirror. You know damn well, you were hurting so badly, if they'd told you, if you put cat shit on your head, all the pain will go away, you'd have done it. You'd have done just about anything, not to feel that devastating loss. Who could blame you? Least of all, me.
You were so in love, weren't you? You are the kind of woman that loves with all the passion, the very fiber of your being. It was spontaneous, good, fun, memorable, it was your world. He was your world. Then, it was suddenly , taken from you, turned off, not by choice, on his end but not on yours. No, your love was still alive and brilliant, vibrant and full to the brim, spilling forth. What to do with all those feelings? Where does the love go?
You need to take all Band-Aids off and feel the loss, grieve and work on rising above it. You can do this. You've not allowed yourself to begin the healing process. Yes, he loved you, always will, always and forever. He wants you to be happy. He was not selfish, maybe a bit possessive but he only wanted you to be happy. He would want you to be happy now. He wants you to stop looking for his replacement. You will not find it. But a wonderful and gentle man, will find you.
Begin to make a conscience effort to become busy, something constructive that will keep your attention. Find a hobby, join a group or gym. You could start a blog and I'd be glad to talk you through it. I had to do the same thing and blogging actually got me through it. In addition, it is somewhat of a diary and I can look back and see how I've grown, where I need to pay attention, my strong suits, my weakness and so on. I've had several blogs, that fit or suit my personality or how I was feeling at the time. Your blog can be whatever you want it to be. It can be a personal journal or entertainment. You can rant and rave, whatever your little heart desires. Then, you begin to visit other people's blogs and you comment. They will then, reciprocate, usually and comment on yours. The interaction is born. Every single time, you have that lost feeling, get busy and write or interact. Every time you feel that tug at your heart strings and that urge to call, you get busy. Do whatever it takes to flush him out but please don't jump back into a relationship, you're not ready.
When you stop looking, he will find you.
I am and will always be here.