This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...
Im dating this girl who has had the biggest crush on me for a long time,
I know that you want us to make some kind of guess as to what it is this girl is so ashamed of.. but truth be told, it would be nothing but a guess and wouldn’t help you in the slightest.
See, when someone lets a secret out, it is such a piece of them that they are freed by it. And I feel that she is just not there yet… but wanted to give you a heads up to make herself feel better.
There are thousands of things it could be. As minuscule as she picks her nose habitually to having what’s called a ‘blood fetish’ where a woman saves her own menstrual fluids and reuses it for making art (you think I am kidding right? http://community.livejournal.com/blood_art)
But no matter what it is, it will be a mere guess. And no matter what it is, this girl wants to know that she can trust you before she tells you her dirty little secret. And we all have one of those… it is just different for each of us. For me, I am insane when it comes to tweezing. I will tweeze the shot out of my eyebrows, legs, whatever.. I just can’t stop once I have tranced in on it. But that is something that I don’t think of as a big secret anymore to discuss… however you wouldn’t ever catch me doing it in front of another person but my husband. It is private, and something I am not comfortable with sharing. And all couples have a ‘thing’.
You just never know until the trust is there. I would advise you to be patient, and above all tolerant and accepting. Because even if you don’t like what ever this is that she is so scared to share… you will devastate her if she opens up and tells you. So at least if you cannot condone it, don’t judge her for it. That’s who she is.
Talk openly with her on the anxiety that you are feeling not knowing her secret but knowing somethings there though. Because no matter what the relationship is… you don’t have to keep that kind of feeling bottled up. You should be able to tell her that the anxiety is somewhat like a dark cloud that is bothering you, and if she isn’t ready to share what that is.. that’s fine. But that you don’t really want to talk about it, and you don’t want to be lied to about it. And maybe throw in that once again, you don’t mind that she needs time to divulge her secret, but make it clear to her of the things that you would consider a ‘deal breaker’ (like molestation, cheating, watching strange porn, whatever) and that if it is something in there, you are going to really have to think about the relationship and that she needs to accept your behaviors and what you are willing to do as well.
I hope that things go well with you two, and hope that whatever the secret is that it isn’t a deal breaker. Let us know how it all works out.