Friday, September 28, 2007

You Just Have To Believe

Soulseer Answers

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Hello Aunt B,
I am a 23 year old gay guy who's not out yet.
I haven't had any boyfriend for real and just a year back,came across and tried out online dating in a gay website.
I met a man from US there.He's 59 now.He showed a lot of interest in me and messaged me saying he wanted to know me better etc etc.I started chatting with him and liked him.he seemed very friendly,gave a good advice on my problems( i had some personal problems at that time).He filled up the void that was in my life.I was not out to anyone and needed someone to confide in and someone to guide me.

It wasn't that he was always giving me advice but he did emphasize a lot on the fact that he liked me.Sent me lots of nice emails and flirted quite a bit in his letters and during when i told him I was a virgin he said something like' ahh ,losing virginity to someone you love is such a nice feeling.I wish you would share that banquet with me'..kinda poetic in a way.I liked him immensely and mailed him quite a few times daily when we didn't get to chat.He encouraged me to write to him saying he liked my emails etc etc. Soon we started chatting daily..twice a day to be precise.
He started acting like a boyfriend of sorts.used to get jealous when some guy sent naughty messages to me while in the chat room.So,when i asked him about his being jealous he just emphasized again that he liked me and that he wanted to take my virginity in a loving way and didn't like it when other guys sent me messages on sex.

Things went on like that and i gave up chatting with other guys(apart from a few known friends and I didn't talk about sex with them) and chatted only with him.I started loving him and he said he loved me a lot too etc etc.We made a lot of plans and I even intended to move out if necessary to be with him someday.He encouraged me for all that.But gradually he started losing interest or maybe i got boring.We stopped chatting twice a day and started chatting once a day.Even then he often complained that he was feeling sleepy when we got together for chats(we chatted during his morning).Also when using cam if some problems arose like my cam wasn't working properly or his wasn't, he would put his hands on his head and act as if he was frustrated with it etc etc which made me feel bad specially if the problem was on my side.

Also one of the main things I noticed was that when I made a mistake,he would be quite rude to me and would threaten to call it quits but when i caught him a month later doing the same thing which i had done(and for which he had almost threatened to break our relationship) he had this excuse it's just for fun.Nothing serious'.

I was quite angry because when i had made the same mistake,he had been very sarcastic to me but now when he had done the same thing,I was supposed to accept his reasoning.
Also his romantic emails and ecards stopped coming.He started saying things like my emails were too numerous and he couldn't answer them and i should decrease the numbers(do remember that when we had met,he said he loved receiving them).also there were quite a few instances when he seemed uncaring and rude.

Also,when we had tiffs and i would want to discuss what was wrong he would leave me in the chat room in a huff in spite of my repeated pleadings to stay & discuss what was wrong in our relationship.I felt very bad at those times.He would leave the room although i was requesting him to stay and discuss our problems.No doubt I didn't expect a smooth sailing in a long distance relationship but I don't wanted to be a doormat either.When during our last tiff,I requested him to stay ,he sent me a very rude letter saying i shouldn't contact him anymore or email him.He blocked my emails and said he would delete all my pics and i was to do the same.That was the worst time for me.I had known him for almost A YEAR and we had chatted almost everyday, sometimes for hours and it didn't take him more than 5 minutes to send me that email.He said he didn't love me as much as he used to.

I had asked for a serious commitment from him a few times because i was moving to a new place to join my job and wanted to be sure that he really liked me(some of his actions made me worry,so i had to ask if he was really committed).He would say anything was possible and that maybe someday just like he had met me,he might meet someone else again and fall in love.Also he wrote to me in anger that he wished I would leave for my job early and then he would have his peace and quiet again(as if i was blowing a trumpet and beating drums around him all the time,the whole day).Also i know that when other guys asked him,he used to say that we was not dating anyone and not in a relationship.No mention about me at all and he was cooing to me over the internet all that time saying he loved me.
After he dumped me,I asked if I could still be a friend(because i was very very attached to him and loved him a lot..I don't know whether he loved me or not) and we do write to each other daily now.But,somehow at the back of my mind,I am still hurting.He likes being 'just friends' now.If friendship was the only thing he wanted,why all that talk of love from his side.Every couple has it's share of tiffs ,so just because we had tiffs ,did he have to dump me and ill treat me that way.I am unsure if i should continue my friendship with him.I loved him a lot .He was the first guy i ever loved(as i said,i am not out and am from a country where it's taboo) what do I do?

Hey Friend,

The short and sweet of this is that I believe he wasn't as serious as you were and he became bored with a situation that was not really going any where. I hate to say it but I think he told you what he thought you needed to hear and then got tired of playing the game. You may have been too demanding also?

Take a good hard look at your situation and what I believe happened; as you stated, he was kind of your first. You were and are vulnerable. So, when he started saying things that were hurtful and down right inconsiderate, you should have taken notice. But you over looked it, embroiled knee deep in his good words to you; words you needed desperately to hear. Now, please read these words; I don't blame you and it's completely understandable. It's also normal to feel as you have. That doesn't mean it's good for you though.

You might not be able to see it but I don't think it was meant to be. I also don't think you can see that there's a lot more fish in the sea, ones that'll be closer to your age group and interests, maybe even a bit more considerate and really serious, towards affairs of the heart.

I hate to say it but I think he may have meant well but sort of played with your heart strings. Sorry to say it, but I think he may have even led you on and then grew weary at playing the game. He saw just how serious you were, for real and he ran. Unfortunately, you've paid dearly for his endeavor. I suggest, you to look at all this and move on.

I encourage you, to find a completely new Chat Room. This way, you can start fresh and not stumble onto his word thread or whatever. You will find another, you just need to look else where. You found him and I guarantee, there are hundreds more out there. Later on, I will send you some links to different chat rooms.

I think you have to be honest with yourself and see this as it really is before you can move on. But there is hope, you just have to believe.

Be Safe, Act Safe, Love Safe.

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