Monday, November 17, 2008

Chalk It Up

Dear Aunt Babz,

I am 32 years old and five months ago I met a guy online.We started to like each other but didn't rush things.
After three months ,he suggested to come on his vacation to see me(as we live far from each other).I wasn't sure
as this online dating is new to me but he said it's ok and he can wait.He said he's serious about me but
not sure if I was(and I am but a little scared).Things were great and we talked almost every night.He invited me
for Christmas there.Then one night he didn't come online (three weeks ago) and to this day I haven't heard from him.
I sent him ecards and I know he read them(I got the receipt back) but he haven't call or reply since .It's been three weeks
now ,I don't know what to do.I don't understand what went wrong?Silence is killing me.Please help


Dear Internet-Gal,

Relationships that are long distance are hard under the best of circumstances, because they involve a lot of written intimacy but no contact. It is even more difficult when you have never had any sort of contact to refer to, and that is where a lot of internet relationships fail.

Do I think that you did anything wrong to warrant this fellows lack of response? No. Do I think he is an asshat for not writing back? Definitely. Even if it were just to tell you that he needed more (or less who knows) and that he needed to move on, it is much more “manly” then to ditch a conversation or a person all together. Point is, you two did have a relationship even if it were just verbal/written. And some people respond even more so to the written part of a relationship than the physical.

It would be rather easy to pin this on lack of sex, but in honestly I think the delay of his visit to you may have made him think that maybe you were not as serious as he was, and that is his own issue not yours. You wanted to see how things were going and you were likely scared to invite a person from far away... essentially a stranger to your home. To me, this sounds smart, but I know that I am also a very untrusting person. However, when dealing with internet dating(if you decided to go with this method again), you almost have to open yourself to that meeting because without it you’re just e-mailing. And as much fun or as validating as e-mail can be... sorry to be blunt here, but it’s just words.

Think about it this way, if you were to meet this guy in real life, like in a coffee shop somewhere. And then you were to have the same conversations with him, over coffee and not have any other contact with him (no going to his place or your place, no knowing where he worked, no meeting people in the family or friends) would you still have been so hesitant on the meeting? Something tells me no. And that is what the “thing” is about internet dating. There is caution, and there is over caution.

Regardless on all of this though, it could be as simple as he was “dating” more than one person and the other decided to amp up the relationship. I know that isn’t something that you wanted to read, but you never know... happens all the time *IRL and on-line. You just never know, and it has nothing to do with geography.

Try not to beat yourself up about this though. Three weeks is a long time, so move on and don’t let this get to you. Chalk it up to someone who obviously didn’t understand or respect your timing or your values, and move on. You didn’t do anything wrong, and you are entitled to find happiness and not fret about the decisions of someone who IRL or not is a typical ass.


*In Real Life

"Even the most brilliant minds, may have troubled Souls"

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