Hey Aunt B!
I have alot going on right now and its a bit hard to describe (and maybe a bit confusing) so ill start from the very beginning. I met a guy when i was a freashmen in high school and we have been best friends ever since. i couldnt live without him. Sometimes i think that Deejay knows more about me then i do myself lol. at that time i was in an phisical and emotional abusive relationship. this guy i was with constantly put me down and pushed me to the point where my self-confidence was 0. This realtionship went on for only 9 months...but yet did more damage then i could ever imagene. so when i broke it off with him, i went downhill. i started smoking and cutting and on the edge of suiside. Deejay had no idea about any of this of he wouldve killed me lol. anyway...im getting off track. me and Deejay were best friends for about 2 years and we both relised we wanted to be more. i relised i loved him twards the end of my sophmore year...and so did he. i was 16 and he was19. Everything was great at first. my parents wernt overly excited or anything but they were ok. they said hi when he came over just as usual and when they found out we were dating they didnt seem to care. i stopped cutting and was off the edge for suside. deejay worked with me to get through it and i did. everything seemed perfect. then my parents found out i was smoking. they put everything on him saying that he was a bad influence. and he is the reason i smoked. so we wernt allowed to see each other anymore. this is when everything started happening.
yes. so i went behind my mom and dads back. i lied to them and told them i was going to the store and go see him and i went through a really rebellious stage. there was so much going on between me and my parents i swore they hated me and they were so ignorant and i never took the time to think why they were saying these things. me and my mom never really had a good relationship before this but the situations didnt help. we wouldnt just fight over deejay, it was everything. some fights even got physical. i just couldnt take it anymore. i was so unhappy. so i started to plan to move out. the legal age in MO is 17. so i was planning on my 17th B-day to move out and live with him and his family. his family agreed. my parents went through my phone and found out i was planning this. so we sat down and had a talk. they told me i was no longer there child and i was just a person renting from there house. so basicly i could do whatever i want. but there was still fighting. eventually i got kicked out then called the cops on them to give me my things. i left and lived with deejay.i ended up going to school on and off and got pregnant. now im 18 now and he is 20. i now relise that all the lies i told to my parents and everything was wrong. and the fight me and my mom had couldve been avoided...she relises this too. i moved back in with my parents when i was 16 weeks due to a threatened miscarrige. i would have no way to the hospital otherwise. me and my mom have been best friends like mother and daughter should be. but anywho. i grew up alot, basicly because of me getting pregnant i had to grow up. anyway, im still pregnant im actually 40 weeks and my baby is 3 days past due. hopfully he comes soon! it sux. deejay found out his family had to move. my mom and deejay seemed like they were working out and deejay was really happy about this. so my mom actually asked deejay if he wanted to live with us. i was the one that said no. you see, his dad and me had a talk (this is where i lose complete respect for his father) he found out about the offer. so what he did is he made up this HUGE lie on how deejay had a job waiting in california that was able to get him a transfer back to MO. since deejaty was working only as a temp at his job at that time that sounded good. he also said how they finally had a car to give him and to use (his brothers old car cause he was apparently getting a new one) to go get his license finally and that he can just drive back out to MO and then he has a car to get around and to use to get the license registerd for MO. So, that sounded pretty good. Deejay would go to California and earn some money his pay would apparenty be very good so when he tarnsferred to MO in october that he would have enough money and a constant job to suport me and the baby and get an apartment. So i told my mom no. big mistake. now he is out in california with no job, no car, in the middle of the freakin dessert with 2 stores in walking distance and is sleeping on the living room floor in a 2 bedroom apartment. he was lucky enough to convince his uncle to fly back. he comesd back on the 19th of october.
NOW TO WHAT I NEED ADVICE ON:
when deejay left, me and my mom got closer. she never really said anything about him but occasionally she would bash him and say how he is nothing but a peice of white trast and he will never be anything and all that stuff she would say before.i ignored it. in my last 2or 3 months of pregnancy she pulls all this stuff out of her ass and starts saying how im not allowed to let deejay see the baby and he isnt a father hes a sperm donar. and how im not alloowed to take the baby outside and i cant do this with baby and he isnt allowed to come near the house. she even got a restraining rder against him for the house to make sure he doesnt see the baby. she says that he has no right to see him. she just sits there and crys how can i be so stupid and put my baby in danger. and how im going to mess him up if i let him see deejay. i dont get it. i dont know what to do. the reason deejay is coming out so late is because i convinced him to. i purposly did it so he would miss the birth. what kind of a person does that to the father of there child. deejay would do anything for this baby and i wont even let him se the birth. i did this to make my mom happy because she didnt want him there. i dont know what to do. i try to make deejay happy but then it hurts my mom and i dissapoint her more. i try to maKE my mom happy and i treat deejay like crap and that makes me feel like crap. i honestly am lost. am i supposed to pick sides? or am i supposd to choose who i want to hurt more? what do i do with the baby? i dont know is all i can say when i talk about this. i just dont know what to do. she tells me im not going to be a good mom and it makes me feel like i dont deserve to have this baby and i dhould give him up to be with a mother who actuallly knows what she is doing. im just feel so sick and tierd of feeling sick and tierd. its like i cant even make simple disisions anymore. and the thing with me and deejay? he asked me to marry him when he comes back. a girl is supposed to be happy. but im not. im not having a wedding until this gets straightend out. and you know what? he repects my dicidion even though it hurts him. he is a good guy. i just love them both just 2 different loves.what should i do with my bf and my mom??
plz respond back soon
Remember these words, "It is only for a season." These words came to me, to give to you. It means your situation is not forever and things are going to change.
I realize you are between a rock and a hard place, an especially bad scenario when you are pregnant. By now because of the delay in me answering you, I imagine you've had this baby. And things are going to change, I can already see it.
This lil' one will change you, change your Mom as well as Deejay...all for the better. In fact, I believe this so very much that I am going to answer this as if I already know those changes have come into place.
As I said, I'm envisioning you as having had your baby and the variables have changed. My suggestion to you is to realize that you are no longer a girl but a woman. You must always have respect for your Mother, always.
At the same time, she has got to come to the conclusion now, that you are no longer a little girl but the mother of a newborn, a woman and she should, should being the consummate word, treat you with the same respect she would expect. It's always a two-way street once you've become an adult anyway when it comes to the respect factor.
Ah yes, young love. Mom's been there, done that. So, you'd think she'd remember what it was like. She should also remember what it's like to be a new mother. Just as well, young women, these new mothers, across the world are doing this every day, at any given moment in time. In other words, it's not a novel approach or situation and the children do and can grow up to be model citizens.
At the same time, strife within the family structure and especially dissension between you two is the worst thing you can expose your child to. Sooooooo, what I'm getting at is the subject should be broached in a rational manner that you want to please your mother, keep yourselves on a positive path as well as making it clear that having her support is paramount to this situation. It's time for maturity to be part of the master plan here.
My suggestion to you is to print out this letter/answer and give it to Mom. Along with a letter of truce, stating that you want her in your life, need her especially for her grand-baby's sake and you pray that all will be well between the two of you. After all, we don't all live forever and a girl needs her Mama, not to mention that it's so very important for family to surround a baby.
In this letter of truce, you tell her that her blessings are important to you or you'd not have even written to me. This is self-evident but should simply be pointed out, in my humble opinion. The blessings I am speaking about are for her to try to understand that you love Deejay, not to mention that every child needs their Daddy. Ask for her blessings and understanding that sometimes we must let go and let God, let go of our children and pray for their safe passage in this life.
Another thing that is self -evident to me is the fact that you do tend to learn your lessons the hard way (just like your good ol' Aunt B) but you garner wisdom from those trials and tribulations and your err in judgment. This causes them to no longer be mistakes but "learning experiences."
The reasoning behind pointing this out to you is there's a healthy realization that you have where your Mother and your relationship with her is concerned. You are able to appreciate her and you should tell her so. In addition to this, simply spelling out your feelings is so extremely important for you.
At this juncture, I happen to know you could probably get State aid of some sort to help you as well as your baby, where housing is concerned. Then you could pursue things on your own accord. Think about that. In the interim, listen to these words;
You are a woman now. Speak to your Mother respectfully; woman to woman. And again, if it is easier for you to say all that needs to be said to plead your case and to make your point do it by writing that letter of truce.
Keeping It Real,