This was sent Aunt Babz via email...
Hi Aunt B,
I'm a 24 almost 25 yr. old single guy. I've been single now for a
year although it seems longer. I have had a slew of relationships
since i was 18 none of (with the exception of 1 when I was 20) were
really great. I have always been labeled as the nice guy (which I am
- to a fault). I like the fact that people see me this way but it
seems that girls only fancy me after they have had a bad
relationship. This usually leads to the relationship ending b/c of
some excitement factor i cannot provide in their eyes. I feel like
even though i have been told by many girls that I'm very attractive,
well dressed, smart, kind, and really funny. this seems to be on
paper the total package. but think the problem is that most every
girl says all those things but backs it up with a but your not my
type. That is fine with me I've learned to live with being single and
just having fun being who I am. the problem is that i would like to
get married before I'm 30 and have kids etc.
I had a very good job but felt I needed to better myself and thanks
to loving supportive and kind parents I was able to go back to
University full-time and not work. This has been great for my
education as my grades are good and in two years I'll be finished and
ready to pick back up where i left off and beyond in the work force.
I feel that i am a good catch. but a lot of girls that i meet being
at University are younger than I am. I have a rule that I won't date
anyone under 20 and preferable around or over 21 at least. But still
i think that I am on a different page than even those girls. Girls my
age are usually done with school and see that I'm currently broke in
University and living off my parents is pathetic. But I wasn't ready
at 18 for college (i did go for a year and just one semester off
turned into a few years). I can't seem to find anyone that is on the
same page. Except possibly for one girl, maybe.
I don't have 1 night stands or take advantage of girls and have been
known to turn down sex before as well. I'm very into finding that one
girl that is special. The more I look, the more disheartened I
become. With exception of one girl, maybe.
When i go to bars or clubs I like to dance but don't really dance
with girls because i think it is silly since I have no intentions of
going home with any of them. My friends think I'm strange because I'm
a great dancer and could 'get girls' if i wanted to. most all my guy
friends are never single and if they are it's not for long. I just
keep holding out now because i really want that one special girl.
I don't really know what to do about the whole situation. When I
first arrived to University I found all sorts of cute girls and
'liked' a lot of them. but after getting to really know them they
were more suited for friends. Except one girl, maybe.
The one girl I found was amazing smart, gorgeous, over 20, sweet,
and taken. the kicker was that i actually liked her boyfriend he was
nice. so I kinda went out of my way not to be good friends with her.
Although we did end up friends. I talk to her every once in a while
and found out recently that her relationship had ended she said they
had some problems and decided it best not to date any longer. I was
surprised because it was a very private break-up she said she didn't
want a lot of guys to know because all sorts of guys would be asking
her out all the time. but since i asked in passing how he was and
when he was coming back around she told me the situation although in
no great detail.
I haven't seen a girl this amazing in all ways in years. But I would
almost rather bite my tongue and wait for her and her boyfriend to
get back together or her to find a new one than to get laughed at and
lose the friendship. The reason I would be okay with this scenario is
because i figure If i am an okay guy by most girl's standards than
I'm sure when it's crunch time and I'm 29 some girl will settle and
think she got a decent deal. I hate to put numbers on relationships
like 30 and such but I'm just speaking in general terms.
I think this girl is pretty much on a similar path as I am in no
rush to get married but not wanting to wait too long past the 30 mark.
I think I can make her happy emotionally but definitely not a
financially as her ex. who was quite loaded. Although through
experience I realized any girl that cares a lot about that I really
don't have time for.
She has only been single for a while. I want to be her friend and
let her be single and really find out who she is alone and what she
wants. But I really don't want to ask her out too soon and really at
all because i am really scared of rejection especially by the same
'you're great just not my type' line.
Is it best to just forget the whole thing and be friends? I haven't
told anyone ever that i like her. so it would never get back to her.
I find myself telling people i like different girls all the time
because they are the next best thing to her. but i never make a move
because to me that would be settling. But i think people just think
I'm outrageously fickle.
I feel that i can date almost anyone and make it 'work' but i
wouldn't be happy so i don't date. She is the first girl that i would
actually date that I've met in a long time. I'm just not sure what to
do. or how to approach her or any other girl that really is worth it.
Thank you for your time and advice,
Comfortable but not Happy Alone
Dear Comfortable But Not Happy Alone,
I felt several things from your letter. You do seem like the "Nice" guy, many girls would see as a friend but they often go with the scoundrel. I was one of them, thus I can relate. I had many suitors in my day. Many of those men were hard working, good men, with butt loads of money. But they were too nice and I chewed 'em up and spit 'em out. Don't ask me why, except possibly some of us feel as if we're handed things we get lax and take it for granted. It also may be the thrill of the kill is gone? I can't answer it but suffice it to say, I am not alone in the way I perceive men and who I will go after. I have talked with many women, at hen parties every where and there is a general consensus among, "our type of woman" that the nice guys don't cut it. That's a damn shame, now isn't it? It makes no sense either but you yourself have experienced, have you not? We'll address this first...
When you date, you must not over indulge her with compliment. Tell her she looks wonderful or she smells good but stop at that. Even if you are exposing your real feelings, after a while, a girl doesn't value your opinion because she's heard it all before. In other words, too much of a good thing will be taken for granted and not valued.
Don't be so predictable. If you say you'll call, then you should call but maybe now and then, don't tell her you'll call and she just might wait for it. See, if you don't "act desperate" which I know you are not, you will seem a little more elusive.
Don't shower her with gifts. If you come calling, with roses and so on, of course she'll love them but todays woman wants to earn it. I know it makes no sense either.
I can not give too much advice on this except to say, you must re-invent yourself. Be a "Contrary." If a Native American dishonored himself, he did everything backwards. He rode his horse backwards, and changed everything he did backwards, for a period of time. Far fetched example except, I hear by name you, "Lion Walks Alone" your new Indian name (mine is White Moon)and you will begin to undo what you have done. You are now a different man and you will be aware of everything. Your walk as a Contrary will be to regain your honor and change the perception, women have of you.
You will exude confidence and mystery. Do not hand all of yourself to these vulturous women and never wear your heart on your sleeve. If you do those things, there's nothing for them to explore. Change the very way you look at women, I mean even the way you hold your face. Simply raise an eyebrow, when you see a girl that is appealing but don't wave. Body language is everything, stand upright and exude that confidence you do not have, for whatever reason.
Let me say this; You went back to school for whatever reason. I believe it was to better yourself. Be proud of that and never be ashamed of hard times as long as you continue to struggle. It will round you and make you the man, I know you will be. You just can't see it yet and you've grown impatient. You're still a young buck and things will begin to fall into place, once you get rid of this damning shame. Any women that grades you on a financial aspect is a money grubbing gold digger and you already know that she's not worthy. Hold your head up and wait for the one, that has confidence in you. She will be there, after your transformation.
Now, I am not telling you to be an asshole, whoops did I say that? But I'm not, I am simply telling you to be more aware of keeping yourself a bit of a mystery and confident. Keep yourself a bit distant and they will come. Be quiet and confident and not too chatty. If she wants to talk, listen but don't talk too much, just let her talk and don't tell all your secrets. It is no one's business how much money you have or have not. If you can pay for the date, so be it, if not, maybe go dutch.
As far as this young woman, that you like, be aware of that good ol' rebound effect, for starters. I know there's a side of you that wants to zero in for the kill and get her attention. So, in the most subtle ways, you be her friend but you must be a bit elusive.
You must be calculating. Be there for her, if she calls upon you but allow her the free reign to begin to think of you as more than a friend. The best relationships stem from friendship. Listen to her, when she talks and exude confidence. I think you lost it somewhere and it shows. So, the girls see you as that really nice guy but not a boyfriend candidate.
There is a method to the madness. When a Lion smells the heat, he approaches her and does not give the impression he is going to pounce. He shows his confidence, holds his tail upright, stands proud and walks away. He may do this several times, to show her, he is confident, strut his stuff, show her, he's got the right stuff. He also views her in a sense of a fine feline but he doesn't act desperate or pounce. He comes around again and makes her think, then he walks away and he may go lay in the distance. He's got her thinking, only about him but she'll look as if she's not interested. He makes his rounds again and this time, she's receptive because he's made her think and she likes his confidence. He may have battle scars but his confidence over rides all else. She rises, the next time he comes around and he holds his mouth a certain way, only panting, sure and not desperate and she rises to him...You must be that Lion.
You must not allow the fact that you do not have money at the moment to hold you down. When you work hard to plant a crop, there will be lean times but when that crop comes in, the bounty is full. The right girl will understand this and not just live for the moment. Stop looking and wait, strut your stuff with confidence but be elusive. She will find you. She will spot you a mile away.