Thursday, August 21, 2008

Silver Lining

Hi Aunt B;

I'm 8 weeks pregnant with my first child. My husband and I are thrilled and decided to share the news with our families last week. We respectfully asked them to keep the news quiet until the 12th week had passed. After having suffered a miscarriage a few of months ago, we did not feel comfortable sharing the news with just anyone until the 1st trimester was over. We honestly didn't think this would be an issue, and so far, it's been nothing but problems!

No one is respecting our wish to keep this quiet and many of the people that my husband and I had hoped to tell now know. We're both pretty private people and if we lost this baby, we know it would be difficult for us to have to talk about with people other than family.

We're regretting having ever told anyone but we also know that had we waited three months to tell them, they would have been hurt. Now it's my husband and I who are left feeling betrayed and hurt that our family has not allowed us to share our news when we were ready to! We both understand that they're all very excited as well, however, we both feel that this is our news to share with the people we care about when we are ready to. We've tried talking to them about this, but they just tell us to get over it and that we should be excited to tell everyone. They don't seem to understand how this is impacting us. Any advice?

Dear Friend,

Congrats and let us pray that all goes well, in this joyous occasion.

This is such a delicate subject, on one hand and especially for you. On the other, it's a situation/scenario, (the pregnancy) in itself, that happens every day. Your family most likely viewed it as the latter, an every day occurrence.

I can only imagine what you went through. As well, it must've been more painful than people understand. See, while people can have compassion about some things, they more often than not, do not have empathy, much less understanding. Yes, there is a clear and definite difference between the two and only those that have walked in your shoes can really have empathy. As well, your situation is unique to you and only you thus it is very hard for people to grieve as you have nor can they really surmise the complex emotion involved.

But you must forgive them. Their joy is genuine and this is why they were bursting with and beaming for your new pregnancy. They didn't understand your fears nor did they understand that you cried yourself to sleep with the loss of your unborn child. You put on a brave front and wore your pain like a trooper but it affected you rather adversly. Know that all things happen for a reason and our God is a loving and merciful God. I am not religious but I sure am Spiritual. So, I have come to know that everything happens for a reason and that includes the loss of your child. But that premise also applies to the gift of a second chance.

First and foremost, stop blaming yourself for what happened and remember what I just said. Even if you don't believe in a Higher Power, as I do, you have to know that all was not right or all would have been well. You, as well as your child were spared. What a gift. I know it is extremely hard to see this right now. A Mother's love is forever and her heart is so easily broken. Mine has been broken countless times too numerous to mention. But I always joke that, "I wouldn't sell my kids for a million dollars but wouldn't pay a damn dime for any one of them." I'm kidding of course and can not imagine my life without them in it. As a Mother, I know that we are sometimes defined by our children. Hell, I didn't even know my own name, other than "Mommy" for years!

So, I can hardly stand the thought of losing any one of them and can not even fathom your loss. I can also understand your trepidation and hesitancy in exclaiming to the world, this impending birth. I mean, how do you explain it again, if something were to happen? It's such a personal pain and I dare say, I, myself, may not have wanted to share in that pain with anyone including family.

If you had a normal reaction to this miscarriage, the feelings attached to this would run the gamet, possibly overlapping each other. From blame, shame, pain, a question of your womanhood and I could just go on and on, you most likely were an emotional wreck. However, I don't believe the average person could/can surmise or comprehend all the emotional baggage that goes along with such an unfortunate loss.

Having said all that, I'll say it again; You must forgive them for what they do not know or understand. No, they had no right whatsoever to tell anyone, especially when you requested them not to. You have ever right to be angry and disappointed. But it's similar to an Attorney making a statement in court, then the judge strikes the statement. He'll then turn to the jury and tell them to "Disregard the statement." It really can not be done, it can't be undone. It's the same with your situation; it can't be undone. They felt joy upon hearing the news because of your loss. Because of your loss, they could not contain that joy. They were all secretly hoping this would make it all better, make your pain go away and they never meant any harm.

Now, let go and let God. Forgive them as you will do yourself more harm than good by keeping it all inside and maintaining your anger and animosity. Try to find the Silver Lining in this; People do care, they want to share in your joy and it's very apparent that they'd shout it from the rooftop.

Yes, there is a Silver Lining...look for it.

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

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