Friday, August 22, 2008

Set Up From The Get Up

Adult Content Warning

Dear Aunt B,

I have a huge problem. I've been with a guy for 5 months. And I'm so in love with him. But I'm only 14, he's 16. But age is not the problem. Sam (my boyfriend) has never once physically abused me in anyway. But the thing is, we fight, a lot. And it's "always my fault" according to him.

Half the time I don't even know why we end up fighting. It's just about little things, something I said, or did. Another issue is that... he's gotten me to do things I would never imagine myself doing. I let him eat me out, and I started a blowjob on him. And really the only reason I let any of this happen was because I was afraid he would get bored with me. And also we had many many many fights about how "I never did any of the work" so I did that for him.. And I regret doing it. But I don’t want to stop because I'm scared he'll hate me. But see now I'm feeling completely hypocritical. Whenever we had a fight, I would go to my best friend (Carolyn). And we would text and talk about it. And I don't even know how it happened, but I also started going to her boyfriend (Nolan), who she encouraged me to become friends with. So I would talk to them about it whenever Sam and I fought. But then we get news that Carolyn is moving to
Canada that means no more calling or texting. But over the summer she went to Europe for 3 weeks and we couldn't talk at all. So Nolan and I, instead of just talking when Sam and I fought, started talking all day long via text. And let me take this time to add a little Sam history. He has had two other girlfriends, and both of them cheated on him. And both cut their wrists. Now me, I cut once or twice when we fought. But I stopped because I realized it didn’t do me any good. So anyway, Sam refused to let me have any contact with any other guys. Especially Nolan, because Sam hates him for some reason. So I always talked to Nolan without telling Sam. But before I started falling for Nolan, Sam and I were convinced we were going to last forever, and get married, we had our whole lives planned out together. He even got me a Promise Ring. And I’m afraid now I got way into it with Sam. False hopes. So anyway.I loved talking to Nolan because he would always tell me I deserve better, and how great I am. And he was just so sweet and nice. But I saw it all as friends!>When Nolan and I started talking everyday for 3 weeks straight. We decided to hang out. So we saw a movie. And he was all snuggly, I just assumed as friends, because he hadn't seen his girlfriend for weeks. But then he put his hands around my waist and pulled me close, and I was like "oh my!". But then... he start brushing my neck, and kissing my neck softly and biting my ear, then rubbing his cheek on mine, then he kissed me... I pulled away and said "I can't". And then after the movie, we went to the bookstore and sat on a couch and just talked. And then I said i had to go because I was getting picked up, and he grabbed me into a hug and said "just one more minute". Then I left. So we both decided the kiss "Never happened". So Carolyn got back from Europe, but she was acting very cold toward Nolan because she was hoping it would help more once she left. And she did leave eventually. So we saw another movie not long after she left, because he was very mopey and I wanted to try and make him have some fun. But then at the movie, I ended up leaning on him. And every once and awhile I would look up at him and ask him a question about the movie. And he would answer, but also look into my eyes, with that longing look. And I would turn and watch the movie again. But at one point. About half way through the movie, I asked a question, he answered, did that longing look. Then kissed me. But this time is wasn't a simple kiss... I didn't pull away. I didn't want to. We made out. We made out intensely. Then he pulled away, smiled, and said "watch the movie". So we finished the movie. And we were the last left in the theater. And I was cleaning up the candy wrappers. And then he took them out of my hands, and grabbed me and pushed me down in the seat so we were laying down and we started making out again. But then I pulled away and said we should get out of the theater. So we were on our way out. But then he pushed me against the wall and started kissing me again. Then we finally left the theater. So it was around 10 pm at that point, and the mall was all closed, so we went outside to wait for out rides. And then we just made out every once in awhile. And the thing is, I didn't want to stop!! It was so nice. Because he wasn't "touching me" and I liked that. He wasn’t forcing me to do things I didn't want to. So pretty much, I'm afraid I'm falling in love with Nolan. When I'm actually head over heels in love with Sam, who can be a complete ass, but at other times be the sweetest and funniest person I know. I can't stop thinking about kissing Nolan constantly. I love Sam.. But I might be falling in love with my best friends long distance relationship boyfriend... What do I do?

Dear Friend,

The first thing that runs through my mind is, "Go for it," with Nolan. Yes, I find myself wishing for you to forget all about Sam. But I know that's easier said than done.

Quite frankly, my friend, I find a lot of questionable behaviors from Sam. It's things you need to seriously look at before you take the next step.

Sam is extremely controlling and you've already got the Set Up From The Get Up for a Co-Dependent relationship. I'll provide you with some links at the bottom of this post. I hope you will study them as it's really important for your well being, a lifestyle change for the better, if you can see it clearly.

But Aunt B, why do you say such things? Well G-Friend, I wasted many years in a **co-dependent relationship myself. The sun rose and set on his ass. If he was unhappy, my world was in torment. When he told me it was all my fault I believed him. Yes, he was abusive up to the point when it took a bullet to change the variables of our relationship. I would not want it to come to that point for you. I want to spare you the heartache.

You've said that he's not abusive...yet! I can just about see it coming to that. This kind of guy, while he loves very passionately, he hates with a vengeance. He also creates situations by fighting with you to show his passion for the minute, the subject in the moment. He has so much emotion he creates chaos and it's usually in the form of an argument whether with you or someone else.

I mean, think about it, since it's always your fault, it will always be your fault. But if you disagree with him you'll be stepping up to bat sister, I guarantee it. Yes, he thrives on making you crazy in love. He thrives on controlling your emotion and he most certainly thrives on making you feel like shit about yourself.

Sure he loves hardcore and he's the kind of guy that induces fear in other guys. They fear him but they do not respect him. In fact most think he's an asshole. Don't mix up fear with respect when looking for good traits in your man. Even you might not want to admit it but you fear him. You certainly don't respect him because if you did you'd never think about entertaining the notion of a romantic interlude with Nolan. Selah (Pause & Ponder)

Gray Areas

G-Friend, you are young enough to break the chains that bind you. Take a long hard look at the kind of guy that you are attracted to. One side of you knows that Sam is an asshole, while the other side would defend him to the teeth. Am I right or am I right? All the while, if you were sitting right here beside me, you'd tell me, "You don't understand! His love is so huge, so passionate and he knows me and when he's in a good mood, he's the best person to be around.The love is so intense"

I know this kind of love oh so well. It's addictive, it's habit forming and it's hard to shake. He fills your dreams and controls your heart, mind and soul. He knows it too and it makes him who he is. He needs to control you to define who he is. Why else do you think that he argues so much and makes sure you know it's always your fault?

You must look at your own words;
Another issue is that... he's gotten me to do things I would never imagine myself doing. I let him eat me out, and I started a blowjob on him. And really the only reason I let any of this happen was because I was afraid he would get bored with me."

Now, you are still young and I hope you will wait, save yourself for the right guy. Sex is sooooooo over rated. And if you give the guy this over and over again, will it not lose it's spark? Will it not lose it mystique and magic? But your words concern me because although a girl should do everything possible to keep her man shopping at her store and her store alone, you should never and I repeat never do anything because you're worried that he'll get bored with you. That's why it should be friendship, then love first. Then you add that sex equation.

I know all about pre-marital sex and am/was guilty of it myself. I figured if I wanted the guy to like me, I'd better damn well put out, ya know? I had an extremely low self-esteem at certain points in my life. I can relate completely. As well, I'm no goody two shoes, I've been around the block and have had so many dance partners, it's too many to count. Yes, I danced my way right into an unwanted pregnancy which altered my life. That's a whole other subject which you can *read here,
(Please Read)

I really really wish, I had you, your complete attention and you could learn from my mistakes. I just so happen to know that you are such a gifted young lady. You are not genius but you are intelligent and engaging.You have a super good disposition and an even better sense of humor. You are not drop dead gorgeous but you are very pretty. One half of you knows this and fights with the other half which looks in the mirror telling yourself that you are so lucky because Sam, who's fairly good looking, even likes you. It's pure and utter bullshit because Sam is damn lucky you gave him a second glance and really if the truth were known, he knows it all too well.

When you are not around Sam, you are a beacon in the night, you'll brighten any room, a noticeable and notable young woman. But there is that side of you, that devil may care, mischievous side who is attracted to bad boys, namely Sam. Mark my words; He will bring you down. But before he's done with you, he'll hurt you so badly you might never recover. Stop the madness now!

I do have the gift of Intuition and I am able to see rather clearly that it will be difficult for you to break this habit. Never be egotistical but you must realize that you do deserve better than Sam. You will never change him or save him or make him better. He is going to give you a hard time but you must begin to distance yourself. You must begin to really ask yourself which path do you really want to walk down? And if the path is rocky, you are going down the wrong path. Selah

I am leaving for Arizona in a few short hours and I have so much to do still but here I am at this computer writing to you, compelled to tell you what I see, in black and white. I am telling you that you have choices here. You will find true love if you will only walk away from this negative force. You must cut it out like a cancer. You must begin to believe in yourself again.

Call me crazy but I see no good from this relationship with Sam and in fact I am adamant about you looking at it all from a different perspective. You are bright and you can change the course of your life. Study and read every tag/keyword you can on Empowerment which you'll find on my sidebar. Begin to re-think, re-route your behaviors and build your self-esteem back up. Pleeeeze?

When you walk away, I hope you tell him it's because he could never be wrong. See, a Real Man can admit when he's in error. A Real Man can apologize every time. A real man build his partner up, not tears them down. Remember this, ok?

Keeping It Real,

Aunt Babz

Please read these. Study as your very life depends on it;

*Meet Mrs. Know It All

**Nothing Changes Unless You Change It

Wikipedia Codependence

Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA)

No comments: