Friday, June 5, 2009
Weighing The Odds
Dear Aunt B,
I've just recently graduated high school. I'm dating a great guy who(unfortunately) has had a few run-ins with the law that will stay with him for the rest of his life(these happened many years ago for him, and he's 20). He and I are polar opposites(different favorite genres of music, different movie favorites, everything) and yet somehow we usually work well together. Our relationship has been off and on for the past two years(my parents don't approve of us being together), and last year I started talking to him again after a prior breakup, but my parents found out and I had to cut off communications with him.
A few months after not talking to him, a friend asked me out and I said yes. My now-boyfriend found out during the summer about this friend and I dating(he saw us walking together and at that point he still assumed we were dating cause I hadn't been able to tell him otherwise), and it really hurt him. About 8 months ago I broke up with my friend(he turned into a jerk) and a month or so later(after I had cooled down) I started talking to my boyfriend again, apologizing and explaining what happened. He accepted my apology and took me back. We've been currently dating for about 7-8 months. I've also recently got a Facebook(never really wanted one before, but friends wanted me to, so I decided to try it) and through it I connected with people I haven't seen in a long time. I found a guy on there that has been my friend for about 6 years now, so I started talking to him again.
Just a sidenote, because my parents don't approve of me dating my boyfriend, I have to hide it from them and can usually only talk to him through IM and only occasionally see him until I move to college.
Anyways, so my friend(who's 23. Yeah, I know, what's up with the older guys, right?) and I caught up through Facebook. He was dating a girl at that time, and I tried to help him through problems they were having, but they ended up breaking up. About a month or so later of us talking, he told me that he feels something for me(he knows I have a boyfriend, but my boyfriend doesn't know about him). And the truth is, awhile after he told me that, I feel something for him too. And it really hurts to admit it, because I think I love my boyfriend as well. Last time I saw my boyfriend, I truthfully didn't feel much. But the last time I saw my friend, my heart jumped a bit. My friend is very sweet to me and will do nearly anything to make me feel better and to make me smile. My boyfriend is a man of few words, but he tries his best to make me smile too. But my boyfriend and I recently got in to a fight. I'm a bit phobic of drinking because of a past boyfriend of mine, and I told this to my current boyfriend. This mixed with a couple more conversations and he told me that he feels like I was trying to change him. I wasn't at all, I was just saying that I don't like him drinking is all. At the end of the fight(I hate misunderstandings), I told him that I didn't want to change him, but hiding things that scare me from him stresses me out alot. He said more or less that if something like that happened again, he couldn't continue the relationship, and that was the end of our arguement. I told my friend about it, and he was very sympathetic. Our conversation that day led to him admitting that he thought he was falling in love with me, but I didn't know what to say back.
I feel something for both guys. Physically, I could care less what they look like. Emotionally, my friend understands me more. In nearly every way my friend is better for me than my boyfriend. But when I think about leaving my boyfriend again, I want to cry. I don't know how to handle it, but I need to know who I should date. This is my last summer before I go off to college, and I want it to not be so stressful.
Can you please help me? No one else has been able to yet.
Dear Guy Troubles:
Honestly it sounds like you have made up your mind, and you need some validation. If it were me personally, I would want to date a person who was respectful and who understands things that I have gone through and is willing to listen to me, rather than throw ultimatums at me from a simple discussion. Is this sinking in as to what I would do?? I hope so.
Sometimes when we have invested so much time into a relationship, it is difficult to end it simply based on all the work you’ve had to do to maintain it. You may thing you love this guy, and you might. But are you *in* love, that is the real question. I am sitting here reading what you wrote, and I am going to guess, no. Not because of anything bad that has occurred, but from this sentence:
“Last time I saw my boyfriend, I truthfully didn't feel much. But the last time I saw my friend, my heart jumped a bit.”
I know it may seem like you just can’t break it off with your boyfriend... but I am telling you that you may fall into something with your facebook friend that could wind up hurting your current boyfriend. Simple conversation can quickly turn into an affair when your feelings are so confused.
I think it’s time you really look at the situation and how you really feel for your boyfriend, and stop weighing the odds against the Facebook friend. Think about the two of you, how things are working out, how he treats you, how you feel with him and about him. This will help you to clarify what you need to do.
Hope you get some peace of mind.