Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Easy Dynamic

With Aunt B's Answer

Dear Aunt B,

On your website you said nothing is taboo and that's why I will feel a bit more comfortable telling you this. I'm a 26 year old woman. I have a close knit family whom I love very much. I have an uncle who was in prison for 18 years that we as a family would go visit every weekend for years. We had a very good relationship during those years. He was released two years ago and our relationship has changed.

Last October, our relationship turned sexual and has been that way since then. He would send me texts saying how he wanted to have sex with me since I was 16. At first I thought it was a crazy joke, he was in prison a long time. That started in March.

Now let me say I thought the world of my uncle when I was 16. He always talked to me and gave me advice and listened to me. My father wasn't around so he was the next best thing but better because I could talk to him about things I couldn't with my mother. I never knew he felt that way about me. I admit I got curious after a while but I never really thought it would happen. When it first started it was just sex, but me like a dummy started to have feelings 5 months in. I told him I wanted to stop because of that and he ignored it.

Him and I both have had other partners him a lot more than me I'm sure. He tells me I'm better than his other ladies. He gets jealous when I mention another man. He tells me that I'm perfect and that if our situation was different he would marry me. He gets butterflies when he sees me. He loves holding me.

Now another woman is pregnant by him and it hurts me. I've been in this situation where I was cheated on and the other woman got pregnant three times before. I got really upset. We weren't exactly careful and if it wasn't for plan B I would b pregnant by him. He tells me he doesn't want to stop. He even asked me if I wanted a baby and said he loved me one time since I found out.

Now I know that his words are BS but I guess it wore me down after all this time and I feel stupid for allowing myself to have feelings for him. I don't know where they came from. I don't understand why he wanted me in this way. I certainly didn't plan on this. It really was just sex in the beginning and I didn't want or ask for anything beyond that. But he keeps coming up with these type of comments.

Even though I feel like I'm in love with him, which sounds completely insane, I understand there is no good coming out of this situation especially for me. I want help with how to push emotion to the side and get out of this situation.


Going Crazy
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Dear Reader,

In the interest of helping you, really helping you, I need to tell you that you need to seek a professional for the resolve to your question. Not because you are crazy, but because you will need to talk this out for awhile before you can feel that you have fixed this situation. You are right, this is a complicated situation, and one that I feel shouldn’t be answered in a quick gut answer format.

I can tell you what *I* would do. So I am telling you to please get help from a professional. You do need it. There are so many things at work in this one small glimpse of your story.

I will go into this, a little, because I am afraid that you will not seek help. I am afraid you will not seek help for fear of judgment of *who* the man is, and having the rest of your feelings cast aside because of it. And I know there are plenty of professional people out there who get a bad rap, but a good one worth their salt, wouldn’t make you feel that way at all. A good therapist will address the whole of this situation, and go through all your feelings and how to overcome them. So please, again, do seek help.

It doesn’t sound insane to me that you feel that you are in love with this man. It actually makes total sense that you think you feel this way. It makes sense that you are feeling betrayed. It makes sense that you are feeling cast aside. It makes sense that you are angry. Do not feel stupid, you are making sense. Regardless of *who* the guy is, anyone would feel angry and be asking exactly what you have been asking.

The problem that I see is that he has preyed upon you since you were very young, and he will continue to do so. I am sorry to hear this story, and even sorrier for the pain this will cause you. But you need to step away, and you need to get help. Have you told your parents about all this? I am guessing not given the circumstances. I am not sure if saying anything to them right now would be helpful, because I don’t know your parents. But if they are close to you (as you have indicated) and you trust them, I would suggest that you tell them and let them help you through all of this. You will need support.

Your situation isn’t the type where there is a simple solution. If I could have a piece of simplicity, I would encourage you to move on and forget this guy because he doesn’t love you. And I really wish it were that simple. But, I know it isn’t because of the nature of your relationship and the length of time this has evolved. So, again, I implore you to stop what you are doing all together with this man, and get help.

I wish I could answer this for you, and I wish that it were an easy dynamic. If you need help to seek a professional, please let us know (we will keep that off site).


With Aunt B's Answer

Dear Going Crazy,

I am "tickled pink" that you wrote us as we appreciate our readers as well as those that ask the many questions that we get. You're right; Nothing Is Taboo and we will discuss anything, if it is a serious question. What I mean by this is if someone truly wants an answer to a heart felt question and sometimes even that is debatable, we will try to accommodate them by answering as best as we can.

I do believe you are already aware of the "Social Stigma"that may be associated with your relationship with your Uncle. For all intent and purpose, some may even refer to it as Incest. And if you don't mind, I'll ask you to click on that link I just provided for you, for that particular word.You may then come to your own conclusion/resolution as to the definition of your situation.

Putting all this aside, even the nature of the your possible blood relationship, well, I have bigger fish to fry here. What I mean by this is rather plain and simple;

Your Uncle, I believe is using you in the name of love.

Now, you may write me after you've examined all of this and "read me the riot act" but I'd be willing to wager, you have some real *self-esteem issues. Yes, I'd also be willing to bet you are a bit over weight, feel rather ugly and have been very hard on yourself, most of your God given life. And I want it to stop...right here and right now. Yep, you damn skippy, I can see you and I do know.

You have such urgency to be loved and desired, (which are all normal human needs), that you are willing to put aside all the red flags, all the, shall I dare say; Wrong that has been done to you. And I'm asking you to slow down and take a long, hard look at how you've allowed yourself to be treated.

You are in good company when it comes to what people, even and including myself, well, just what we will do for love. And it's all a matter of what we may choose to endure in the "name of love."

I'm sorry to tell you, that although I do firmly believe that your Uncle has feelings for you, I also
unflinchingly believe he's been leading you astray and feeding you a line in order to have sex with you. Now, you can lie to yourself and/or sugar coat it all day long but I tell you all this because I want you to wake up and see the devastation this man has effected.

What Can You Do???

For starters, I want you to begin to assess your own, hidden self worth. It's not hidden from the world just from you, apparently, when you look in the mirror. I think you may have forgotten what a wonderful personality as well as sense of humor you possess. The absolute best attribute you are blessed with is that undeniable "twinkle" in your eyes, especially when you are in a playful mood. You've not been playful as of late and that's a shame.
The spring in your step
has sprung. Hasn't it?

I'd like to see you get your sense of self back. That playfulness that I spoke of will come back the sooner you see how wrong it was for your Uncle to do this to you. Yes, I said "do this" because you have been a victim of a man who took advantage of and did what it took to bed down a damsel in distress, someone who just wants to be loved.

Your answer, the beginning lies in you seeing all of this, peering into the looking glass with the realization that it is all as simple as you seeing yourself again, for the first time. Somewhat a riddle, I promise you that if you would ingest all that I have prescribed to you,
"He will come along. And he will tell you that 'you have the most beautiful eyes he's ever seen'." (Bedroom Eyes)

Keeping It Real,

Aunt B

*Further Reading on Self Esteem;

Self Esteem - The Problem Behind All Problems

by Asoka Selvarajah, Ph.D

How Can I Improve My Self Esteem?
Reviewed by: D'Arcy Lyness, PhD


Sarcastic Bastard said...

Good advice, Aunt B. Love ya.


Aunt B said...

SB, I thank you very much. I don't think the reader was really happy with what I had to say and may have even taken offense by it.

I purposely do not read Xmichra's answer before I post mine so we get two whole perspectives. As I read hers, I must give her credit as it's surely some of the best advice I've seen.

I appreciate you stopping by and would just love it if you weighed in.

Mad Love,


Sarcastic Bastard said...

I wouldn't dare give advice, Aunt B. My own life is too big of a mess. No way I would tell anybody else how to fix their situation.

You guys are going a great job, though. Keep it up.

Have a great weekend!


Ask Aunt B said...

SB, It's quite taxing sometimes. Other times it is more than exhilarating especially when I've worked hard on the piece and they write me back and say how very much the advice has helped. These thank yous are few and far between, unlike the continuing letters but I wait patiently for them.

I am laughing inside as I sit here wondering just how the hell I got myself into this mess??? hahaha!

Big Love

Anonymous said...

No I wasn't offended by what you said. How could I be when you don't know me. Its just you were wrong about the overweight and ugly thing goes. I do have self esteem issues. It comes from past relationships with all men including my father and not really having a positive way to express how I feel. It was hard for me to let that out but I appreciate your advice it was good and entertaining.