Dear Aunt B,
First of all thank you for reading my e-mail; I really appreciate you helping me out when I can’t turn anywhere else for advice.
I’m in the 2nd year of college and in the freshman year I befriended a girl from my class. She was already in a long distance relationship with this guy for the past two years.
Well me and that girl really had a lot in common so we became best friends and always spent every possible minute together. After sometime I got to found out that her boyfriend was ignoring her and might have had another affair so she had broke up with him. Well being a good friend I consoled her and supported her in every way possible. As time went by and she improved I realized that I was in love with her and proposed to her. She also gladly accepted and said that she had the same feelings for me for the past sometime as well.
So everything was going very well for the past nine months , we had been going along very will, that is until her ex-boyfriend found about us. He suddenly “realized his mistake and rushed to my city to see her” to my disbelief she also went and met him although I forbade her. He uses all kinds of different pressure tactics to force her to be with him. He blackmails her, when she refuses to meet him, he kidnaps her from front of her home, he threatens to expose her to her family, commit suicide and so on. Even when the three of us met he said that he will do whatever means necessary to get her back, even if that means hurting her or killing me!
She will neither do anything against him, nor will she let me do anything about it. I had offered to pick her up from her doorsteps and even “take care of him” if he became too much of a problem. It’s almost like she misses him and wants to go back to him. I told her about my concerns and she said that she can’t help it, he, and his welfare is her first priority and she will stick with him as long as he wants to, but she still loves me and only me.
Well as a month passed bad went to worse as I found out that he is taking admission here and so she began to spend all available time with him, leaving me all alone. I have been insulted in our college and by my friends on this issue. She even spent our first anniversary with him, can you imagine how much that hurt me? She suggested to me that we remain just friends, I mean how is that possible, just because you’re feelings got diverted, doesn’t mean that so did mine. I feel that I have been sold out, that my feelings aren’t worth anything and that I have been back stabbed for the past nine months of unconditional love and devotion; both emotionally and financially.
I finally confronted her and told her that she couldn’t have it both ways and that I had been too lenient and caring and that she will have to choose between me, my friendship, my love and him. Well guess what, she chose him and told me that I should forget her forever. And we haven’t spoken since then.
The question I want to ask you is that, what went wrong? I left no stone unturned to make her feel special, which I swear on god. Doesn’t she see that what she’s doing is wrong, He left her once, and he can and will do it again. She’s not even concerned that for the next year she will have to face me in class every day. More importantly was my decision to leave her a right one? Or should I have stuck with her? And what do I do to overcome the intense feelings of hate and anger that I have?
Once again thank you very much for reading my problem and replying, I am really grateful for your advice.
Wow, reading this letter was actually gut wrenching. But as I read, I found myself actually becoming angry and rather frustrated for you. My thoughts are not very kind right now. I will try to remain impartial though, as always.
What I see is a woman that is being emotionally blackmailed in every way possible. I also see that I think she just might have the attitude, "If ya can't beat 'em, join 'em." Unfortunately, she gave in to his demands, his blackmail, his out and out line of bullshit.
Now, don't take this wrong but he actually fought a better fight than you. He played "Dirty Pool," in every way, shape and form and ultimately won. But she also let him. It's as if it's a scenario from a Play, "Nice Guys Finish Last," now isn't it?
If it's any consolation, I do not believe she'll ever be happy with him. No, in fact, she'll always be miserable but continue to tell herself that she's happy. It's not happiness when you have to analyze it, when it doesn't come naturally and you have to actually question it. And I dare say, she will question and spend many nights wondering, "What if," she'd allowed you to rescue her.
But she didn't let you rescue her, even though there was a constant side of her that wanted it. Something inside told her to tell this guy to kick rocks, to get the hell outta her life. But she didn't, did she?
When I stated earlier that he won, I want you to understand that yes, he won that fight but you will ultimately win the battle because for real, I hope you will one day see that you are better than that, you are one of the good guys and you deserve someone that won't treat you as she did. Now, I know there's a side of you that is still so hurt over this, over her, that you can't hardly bear to read some of this. But if the truth were known, well Sweetheart, she was never yours to begin with.
I know this all hurts you and my prayer will be that you will heal quickly and in such a way that you will learn from this and become stronger. I will pray that you will become a better man because of this and that all this pain is not for naught.
You have got to, first of all, ready yourself for the *right woman, again, learning from the entirety, all this that you've endured. All that we go through in life, from our jobs to our personal life, will, if we play our cards right, ready us for our future. Come what may.
The mistakes we will most assuredly make along the way, hopefully, we'll learn from and it will round us in to the good person, good husband, partner, employee that we might aspire to be.
What I am implying is not that your relationship was a mistake. Allow me to make this crystal clear. I imagine that you loved her and still do. Yes, true love does not just die and can not be turned off with the flick of a switch. Nor does love go away, if it is real, over night or because we have been injured by the person we love.
What I am saying is this; You wrote me and asked us our opinion and you can bet your bum, we'll give it to you. My "Intuitions" tell me that you must move on no matter how painful this may be. I believe that it was never meant to be and unfortunately you have invested your heart into something that for all intent and purpose was actually an illusion.
Yes, she loved you and she always will but I do not believe she'll be able to break away any time soon. I also think that even if she were to come back to you, in the near future, the trust you had and possibly even that love has been damaged, most likely beyond any repair.
My advice to you, at this juncture is to search for something which will engage you. I know that your mind races constantly, does it not? You are always questioning the what if's and shoulda, coulda, woulda's of this whole affair. And yes, I know that it torments you.
My Rx is for you to find something that will first make you laugh, at least twice a day (Go to Comedy Central or YouTube). As well, find something which will really capture your attention and take your mind off of things, i.e., games, research, maybe even a new hobby. Bide your time and heal. All will be well. Most of all; Be good to yourself. You are the kind of guy that many girls dream of!!!
Keeping It Real,
*Is there a coffee house at the edge of town? She may be there?
Your story is a hard one to read, because you really didn`t *do* anything wrong. Aside from forbidding her to see the other guy (dude, you had to know that was just silly), you really didn`t do anything. She did a lot of things wrong here, but we aren`t going to talk about the wrong and the right anymore because it just doesn`t matter. What matters now, is you.
This might be harsh, but follow through okay?
You know what happened. She followed her heart. As hard as that is to hear, she did what she thought was right for her and her feelings at this time. You can see this guy is an ass, and you know his MO. But she can`t see it, or she sees something that you cannot. Regardless of the incidences, she has chosen which path she wants to be on. She isn`t thinking about how this will affect you in class every day. She is thinking about how it would affect you to stay with you while she was in love with her ex. Sorry to be blunt, but there it is.
You are doing the right thing by letting her go, because YOU deserve to be loved by someone who will return that love 100%. You will need time to recover, I am sure, and I know the feelings of anger and hate are all you can see right now. But time does heal wounds, and so does forgiveness. Seems like a foreign concept right now, I know. But in time you will see that you deserve someone who is in it, really in it, with you. And you will meet that person, and have learned from the scorn of being burnt in a relationship, just how sweet it is to find someone who treats you with respect and honors the commitment you have made.
Sound like a bunch of malarkey doesn`t it? Honestly though, this is what the situation is and how to work through it. If you dwell on what you think you could have had with this girl, you derail any efforts to find happiness.
You have the choice to forgive her for betraying you and to move on finding your happiness. Or the choice to be angry at her and be in a self induced hell. Personally, I hope you choose the first option.