Hand in More Than One Cookie Jar???

Xmichra Answers

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

My ex and I have being talkin for over a month. He gave me a password to his MySpace I read the messages they were all from his exs he even told each and everyone of them that he wanted to get back with them. We got back together for about a week now. There was this message he send recently saying to the girl to call him asap. I want to break up with him so he can keep doing his flirty thang so it wont hurt me no more. WHY WOULD YOU SAY YOU WANT TO GET BACK TOGETHER WITH ME IF YOU WERE ASKING ALL THOSE OTHER GIRLS OUT?! right? plz help!!

he even told me that this girl was just a friend that gave him advice about love but when i read the messages he said that she was pretty and ect.. on and on. and the password thing i had to kill him for it but he didnt want me to get uppset over the messges does this even mean anything?

Dear Friend,

Yes, it does mean something. It means that this guy wants everything and wants to give you nothing. This means that this guy wants to flirt and be with anyone, and if you were the one who went to him then he is all fine and happy. But that he will always be looking for someone else.

I truly hope that you come to your senses with this, and get of out of this relationship. I normally include something here for the off chance that things can work out, and some kind of advice as to go about doing it. But in this situation, I really believe that you are going no where with this guy.

The fact that he gave you the password to his MySpace account is inconsequential because he figures that he can talk his way out of what ever you read… and likely pawn it off as things ‘prior to you’ getting back together again.

Maybe this guy likes to have his hand in several cookie jars… who knows. But the one thing that I am getting from you is that you do not want to be in a polygamous relationship, which is to say that you do not want to be part of a relationship that involves your partner having relations with other women. And it is clear to me that he will/does want this.

Do yourself a favor and get the hell out of this one before you get hurt.

Nothing Changes Unless You Change It...

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

I am 27 years old. I am the mother of three kids. Their dad and me have not been separated a year and we are almost fully divorced. He has changed a lot since I left him. Every night I cry because I miss him and I love him. I did not like who he became when we were together. He was mean, abusive, and was addicted to the internet. I really really miss him. With everything he did to me it doesn’t matter right now. I am feeling as if I want to get back together with him, but I know for sure my family would basically disown me. Him and I have both spent a lot of money with a custody battle and divorce and pfa hearings and the such. I have not even talked to him about this. I do not know what to do. Part of me is saying to be with him another part is saying no. Please I just need some advice from someone that is not emotionally involved in this situation.


Dear Friend,

Far be it from me, to discourage you from affairs of the heart. I think you'll have to weigh things out carefully and then own the situation.

You've not told me, if this divorce is amicable, meaning did your husband want it too? Was this your design?

I can understand your family's feelings. It is a protective stance and I'm sure you understand how they feel. However, you must do the right thing for you and you alone. Therefore, you must look at things, trying to put your feelings and emotions, to the side...

Most men that are violent, without behavioral modification and therapy, do and will continue to behave in a violent manner. That's almost guaranteed. It's what they know and how they deal. That's not to say that he could not, after getting into a treatment setting, change his approach to life on life's terms. They do have Anger Management courses, geared specifically, to those that use violence as an outlet for emotion. But just like an addict, you must admit you have a problem, before you seek help, rather before that understanding can sink in. Often times, just going to jail, does not make the man deal with the raw emotion, as it really is. And just like an addict these violent guys need to hit some sort of bottom, in order for them to understand the ramifications of their behavior.

Off the record, if I had my way, men that are violent would be taught how it feels by being beat down, by someone bigger than themselves. Then, they might understand just how appalling it really is. In my perfect world, they'd know first hand, the fear, pain and degradation of a real beat down.

In case you didn't know it, I was in a abusive relationship for too many years, myself. It is only now, that I have some semblance of clarity and am able to look at it all with some sort of understanding. It took years to understand the nature of the beast, all it's components and to understand my own part in the co-dependent relationship. Yes, you must look at your own role in allowing this to go on. You must own it and rise above it.

I suggest you begin to look online, at all you can, concerning Co-Dependency and Abuse. The more you understand what factors into this type of relationship, the more tools you will have to deal with it. You must built a sturdy tool belt, of life changing skills and tools. Yes, you must study this, take it as seriously, as it really is and look for healing within it. The more you learn about it all, the more empowered you will become.

As I said, you must look at your primary role in what happened, within your relationship. More importantly, you've got to look in the mirror and be brutally honest with yourself. You've got to stop being a "Victim," and become empowered by it. It's not about assigning blame, it's about you taking back control, within and of what you can, could and will have control of. This is a study in and of your life. Yes, you can work through this, you are not alone and you're not the only one who's gone through this. The numbers do not even reflect the true nature of this centuries old epidemic but it's no longer taboo to talk about it and it's no longer something you must be ashamed of.

My suggestion is for you to begin to assess your situation first. Read as much as you can on this scenario; this cycle of abuse and co-dependency. Then, you may be able to approach your husband, concerning him getting counseling. If he wants to be with you, he's got to realize he has a problem and begin to deal with it. Most men, know it's monstrous behavior, they're usually sorry, after the fact but can't control it. This is where counseling can help. It can give them tools too and better equip them to handle their anger before it gets out of hand.

Please, if only for yourself, research this and possibly seek help. Then maybe, allow yourself to heal before you make any rash decisions. You see, my Dear, nothing changes, unless you change it.

Overview of codependency

1. What is codependency? What's the definition?
2. How do I know if I’m codependent?
3. Isn’t everyone codependent?
4. Why do we become codependent? What causes it?
5. Melody Beattie writes that codependency is unique in that recovery can be fun and liberating. What does she mean?
6. How can counseling help?

Co-Dependency Links;

Co-Dependency; The Problem

Mental Health America

The Skeptic's Dictionary

Forgiveness Street

Xmichra Answers

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt Babz,
Hey, I really dont know what to do i'm so stuck. The thing is I have split up with my boyfriend of 5 years a few days ago. What happened is he got into my email account and read all the messages that I sent my friend Samantha. on the emails i was talking about some guy that I know and how I had been to his parties (cos he is in a band), i said things like I was imagining what it would be like bein with him and stuff. So when my boyfriend see all the chats n emails he finished with me. He did it cos I wasnt honest about what i was doing and where I was going, and the fact that I was seeing this guy there. There is nothing going on between me n that guy at all we are just friends n he knows cos I have told him that I had boyfriend, Plus i only see this guy once but my boyfriend is going off like we was having some big affair or somethin.I can understand him being upset cos this is not the first time that we have split up over this but i do think he is overreacting, cos nothin was going on. Not only that my boyfriend sometimes ignores me, when i'm at his house he will act like i'm invisible, and sometimes we dont see each other for week n he only lives like half hour away on the bus from my house, n when I ask him about it he says 'I'm not 12years old I can go a week without seeing you' n when I tell him that i feel sad that he ignores me he says things like 'This is me, this is who I am, if you dont like it find someone else'. So thats the reason that I had been talking about the other guy to my friend, I mean its not like I wanted to be with this other guy or anythin i was just upset with my man so I craved the attention of that my man wasnt giving me. Wrong I know but my man made me feel so unappreciated. I cried like every night cos i didnt feel good enough for him and i had started to hate myself. I didnt even like the other guy that much, and I really dont know why i went to the parties, I wish I could turn back time and change it but I cant. I really dont know what to do to make things right with my man, cos I didnt do anythin with the other guy and I really love my man, its just I know that it will take him time to trust me again. I am scared though cos he has told me that he never wants to see me again and that I shouldnt be asking for him to forgive me cos I dont deserve another chance. But I really love him and wanna be with him so bad. How can I get him to trust me again? x

Dear Friend,

Well. To be honest it sounds like this is a good thing that you two broke up. Sounds to me like he doesn’t appreciate you, and that you do find other outlets to satisfy yourself. Regardless on if anything happened or not, You were definitely not in this relationship emotionally.. and that is apparent from the e-mails you wrote to your friend. You wanted someone who would take notice of you, and be with you the way that you need to be needed. And there is no crime in that. But it does make for some mess when you are in a relationship.

There is an obvious lack of trust here too. I mean, my husband doesn’t go through my e-mails because he knows that is my space of freedom. It is not his, and it is very personal. Makes no matter to him what I am writing in my e-mails because he trusts me. And that is how that should be. When a partner starts looking through your personal things like that, they are deliberately looking for something…. And if they find what they are looking for they feel justified in the disregard for your privacy. Some may think that this is totally unacceptable; others will say that it is a necessity for truth. But either way you look at it… he wouldn’t be in there if he didn’t think that you weren’t being honest with him in the first place. Not that it makes it all right to snoop… but sounds like you were giving him some reasons.

Think about this for a minute. If you were actually sending him signals of being unhappy… of wanting another man. You may have never said a word, but those who know us well can tell the difference between what is really going on without words.

The fact that you were talking to Samantha about this other guy is haphazard at best. All of us are human, and we all have silly dreams about makin’ whoopee with some other person. But the part that was the problem was that you were lying to your boyfriend about seeing this guy, and having sexual desires for him. That is the line that he decided he couldn’t let you cross. And if you have been unfaithful in the past (as was implied from the one part of your letter) then it is really quite likely that this ex-boyfriend has had it and won’t want anything to do with you. You can only be burned so many times.

Seriously though, If you really do want to try and get back together with this guy, you need to check your pride at the door and ask him if he would be willing to seek counseling. I say this because there is a lot in play here with you two: unfaithfulness, lack of trust, disrespect of boundaries, lies, lack of appreciation, and likely a very big tear to your friendship. You will both need to lay out all the issues that you have, no holds bared and just get into what you love and what you need from each other to make things work like a relationship should. You will need to ask him for forgiveness, and you will have to forgive him for all in the past as well if you ever intend on moving forwards.

I have seen relationships that were worse then this get back into the good relationship status.. but it takes full co-operation and intent from both parties to make it work. Maybe right now the guy needs to cool off and think about what is good for him too. And if that is the case, and you really want to make a go of this again, tell him that you will wait for him to gain his own clarity if he can honestly say that he might want to try again. And if he says he does, but he needs some time, then give it to him. Don’t mess around, and be diligent about respecting his feelings and your own. If he says that he doesn’t.. then consider this a lesson in life that you would care not to repeat and move on.

You Just Have To Believe

Soulseer Answers

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Hello Aunt B,
I am a 23 year old gay guy who's not out yet.
I haven't had any boyfriend for real and just a year back,came across and tried out online dating in a gay website.
I met a man from US there.He's 59 now.He showed a lot of interest in me and messaged me saying he wanted to know me better etc etc.I started chatting with him and liked him.he seemed very friendly,gave a good advice on my problems( i had some personal problems at that time).He filled up the void that was in my life.I was not out to anyone and needed someone to confide in and someone to guide me.

It wasn't that he was always giving me advice but he did emphasize a lot on the fact that he liked me.Sent me lots of nice emails and flirted quite a bit in his letters and during chats...like when i told him I was a virgin he said something like' ahh ,losing virginity to someone you love is such a nice feeling.I wish you would share that banquet with me'..kinda poetic in a way.I liked him immensely and mailed him quite a few times daily when we didn't get to chat.He encouraged me to write to him saying he liked my emails etc etc. Soon we started chatting daily..twice a day to be precise.
He started acting like a boyfriend of sorts.used to get jealous when some guy sent naughty messages to me while in the chat room.So,when i asked him about his being jealous he just emphasized again that he liked me and that he wanted to take my virginity in a loving way and didn't like it when other guys sent me messages on sex.

Things went on like that and i gave up chatting with other guys(apart from a few known friends and I didn't talk about sex with them) and chatted only with him.I started loving him and he said he loved me a lot too etc etc.We made a lot of plans and I even intended to move out if necessary to be with him someday.He encouraged me for all that.But gradually he started losing interest or maybe i got boring.We stopped chatting twice a day and started chatting once a day.Even then he often complained that he was feeling sleepy when we got together for chats(we chatted during his morning).Also when using cam if some problems arose like my cam wasn't working properly or his wasn't, he would put his hands on his head and act as if he was frustrated with it etc etc which made me feel bad specially if the problem was on my side.

Also one of the main things I noticed was that when I made a mistake,he would be quite rude to me and would threaten to call it quits but when i caught him a month later doing the same thing which i had done(and for which he had almost threatened to break our relationship) he had this excuse it's just for fun.Nothing serious'.

I was quite angry because when i had made the same mistake,he had been very sarcastic to me but now when he had done the same thing,I was supposed to accept his reasoning.
Also his romantic emails and ecards stopped coming.He started saying things like my emails were too numerous and he couldn't answer them and i should decrease the numbers(do remember that when we had met,he said he loved receiving them).also there were quite a few instances when he seemed uncaring and rude.

Also,when we had tiffs and i would want to discuss what was wrong he would leave me in the chat room in a huff in spite of my repeated pleadings to stay & discuss what was wrong in our relationship.I felt very bad at those times.He would leave the room although i was requesting him to stay and discuss our problems.No doubt I didn't expect a smooth sailing in a long distance relationship but I don't wanted to be a doormat either.When during our last tiff,I requested him to stay ,he sent me a very rude letter saying i shouldn't contact him anymore or email him.He blocked my emails and said he would delete all my pics and i was to do the same.That was the worst time for me.I had known him for almost A YEAR and we had chatted almost everyday, sometimes for hours and it didn't take him more than 5 minutes to send me that email.He said he didn't love me as much as he used to.

I had asked for a serious commitment from him a few times because i was moving to a new place to join my job and wanted to be sure that he really liked me(some of his actions made me worry,so i had to ask if he was really committed).He would say anything was possible and that maybe someday just like he had met me,he might meet someone else again and fall in love.Also he wrote to me in anger that he wished I would leave for my job early and then he would have his peace and quiet again(as if i was blowing a trumpet and beating drums around him all the time,the whole day).Also i know that when other guys asked him,he used to say that we was not dating anyone and not in a relationship.No mention about me at all and he was cooing to me over the internet all that time saying he loved me.
After he dumped me,I asked if I could still be a friend(because i was very very attached to him and loved him a lot..I don't know whether he loved me or not) and we do write to each other daily now.But,somehow at the back of my mind,I am still hurting.He likes being 'just friends' now.If friendship was the only thing he wanted,why all that talk of love from his side.Every couple has it's share of tiffs ,so just because we had tiffs ,did he have to dump me and ill treat me that way.I am unsure if i should continue my friendship with him.I loved him a lot .He was the first guy i ever loved(as i said,i am not out and am from a country where it's taboo)..so what do I do?




Hey Friend,

The short and sweet of this is that I believe he wasn't as serious as you were and he became bored with a situation that was not really going any where. I hate to say it but I think he told you what he thought you needed to hear and then got tired of playing the game. You may have been too demanding also?

Take a good hard look at your situation and what I believe happened; as you stated, he was kind of your first. You were and are vulnerable. So, when he started saying things that were hurtful and down right inconsiderate, you should have taken notice. But you over looked it, embroiled knee deep in his good words to you; words you needed desperately to hear. Now, please read these words; I don't blame you and it's completely understandable. It's also normal to feel as you have. That doesn't mean it's good for you though.

You might not be able to see it but I don't think it was meant to be. I also don't think you can see that there's a lot more fish in the sea, ones that'll be closer to your age group and interests, maybe even a bit more considerate and really serious, towards affairs of the heart.

I hate to say it but I think he may have meant well but sort of played with your heart strings. Sorry to say it, but I think he may have even led you on and then grew weary at playing the game. He saw just how serious you were, for real and he ran. Unfortunately, you've paid dearly for his endeavor. I suggest, you to look at all this and move on.

I encourage you, to find a completely new Chat Room. This way, you can start fresh and not stumble onto his word thread or whatever. You will find another, you just need to look else where. You found him and I guarantee, there are hundreds more out there. Later on, I will send you some links to different chat rooms.

I think you have to be honest with yourself and see this as it really is before you can move on. But there is hope, you just have to believe.

Be Safe, Act Safe, Love Safe.

The Kelsey Briggs Story

It's really SAD that people in this world do things like this. It's unexplainable sometimes that in this day & age people are still abusing children to the point of DEATH! I've seen many a sickening ,gut wrenching story on the news .Abuse is never recognized by the abuser, to them it's second nature most of the time.Abuse is a dirty ,ugly thing . It's a damn shame that this child had to die ,in order for a simple Law to be past. Abuse is never OK ! I believe that this beautiful child's life was not lived in vain. Kelsey's death is just a reminder of the lost souls that float around in our world just so we may "SEE MORE CLEARLY" My heart & prayers go out the family & friends. May one day you see, Kelsey's beautiful smiling face, again.



Aunt Babz said...

If you suspect abuse, be a nosy, prying person and say something, to the Authorities. Don't just look the other way, you may be that child's last hope.

Bless This Child

Bless this child who's beaten daily,much more than he can take
Bless this child who cries at night, his hunger still awake.
Bless this child who's born of drugs, no habit of his own,
Bless this child who screams in silence he bears his pain alone.
Bless this child not wanted still, a lonely path to lead,
Bless this child so young, too young, molested, made to bleed.
Bless this child born of pain,whose mother barely cares,
Bless this child afraid of dark, it only brings nightmares.
Bless this child too frail to eat, afraid to die just yet,
Bless this child disease will claim, his dreams are never met.
Bless this child who wants to die, his life seems only lies,
Bless this child through suicide can't say his last good-byes.
Bless this child who's father's gone, his love poured out in vain,
Bless this child through poverty who'll only know hate and pain.
Bless this child who's shook in anger, now knocks at heaven's gate,
Bless this child you'll never know, his story told too late.
Bless this child who's sent to you, a present from above,
Bless this child you call your own, make sure you show them love.

by Aunt Babz

Losing Weight???

Xmichra Answers

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt Babz,

I am 15 years old. Currently I am 5 Foot 9 inches an I am 151 pounds. I play field hockey, basketball and lacrosse. I am very active but that doesnt seem to be enough. I want to be 120 pounds but I dont know how to go about doing so or keep the motivation. I need advice cause I just am not sure what to do. Please help. My friend just lost 30 pounds and has been rubbing it in my face. I have wanted to lose my whight for a long time but I just can't. Please I really need the advice because I just don't know what to do.

Kat.

Dear Kat,

Struggling with weight is something every teen girl goes through. And I will tell you that I had so many issues with this and an eating disorder that I know in my heart I am a great person to ask this question. Because I am going to show you something, that you might not believe.

You are classified as a HEALTHY WEIGHT with a BMI (body mass index) of 71%. I will show you… (you are fifteen, so I just totaled a b-day using January first of this year. But the date isn’t really important, it’s the age).

BMI Calculator for Child and Teen: Results

Calculate again: English | Metric Information Entered Age: 15 years 8 months Sex: Girl Birth Date: January 01, 1992 Height: 5 feet 9 inch(es) Date of Measurement: September 27, 2007 Weight: 151 pounds Results Based on the height and weight entered, the BMI is 22.3, placing the BMI-for-age at the 71st percentile for girls aged 15 years 8 months. This teen has a healthy weight. underweight, less than the 5th percentile healthy weight, 5th percentile up to the 85thpercentile at risk of overweight, 85th to less than the 95th percentile overweight, equal to or greater than the 95th percentile What does this mean? BMI is calculated using your child’s weight and height and is then used to find the corresponding BMI-for-age percentile for your child’s age and sex. BMI-for-age percentile shows how your child’s weight compares to that of other children of the same age and sex. For example, a BMI-for-age percentile of 65% means that the child’s weight is greater than that of 65% of other children of the same age and sex. Based on the height and weight entered, the BMI is 22.3, placing the BMI-for-age at the 71st percentile for girls aged 15 years 8 months. This teen has a healthy weight. Maintaining a healthy weight throughout childhood and adolescence may reduce the risk of becoming overweight or obese as an adult.

Now. We have established that you really don’t need to lose weight. But you are in the percentage flow that you can lose some weight (not a lot) and still be healthy. That is a strong sentence there… you CAN lose weight safely BUT you do not have too. You are healthy, and in a great range for your age and height.

Losing weight can be tricky, but if done right can feel great and not make you look like a dried up skeleton. You are active enough, so the exercise portion is fine (and very important for you metabolic rate).

Please keep in mind that hormones are fluctuating in your body (you can’t help this) so your weight may go up or down daily by five pounds or so. It’s just nature making things grow and widen the way we are suppose to. So don’t get discouraged and get into a really bad eating disorder because you thinking eating right isn’t working. It will, it just takes a few weeks to really see all the changes. You could be losing weight in fat, and gaining more in muscle tissue.. Which does weigh more. So don’t get hung up on the scale counts. Look at your body, and you will see where the changes are. Also, if you are taking any kind of birth control pill, that will likely make you have ‘water weight’ and that is something that you cannot control as such.. but If you increase your water intake from the standard of eight 8oz glasses a day to ten 8oz glasses a day then that should help a little.

Really though, to lose weight it breaks down into these three things:

• Eating healthy foods
• Participating in physical activity on most (preferably all) days of the week (Limiting television viewing, internet use or other sitting and stationary entertainment)
• Drinking eight 8oz glasses of water each day.

If you need help on what healthy foods are you can try these sites:

http://www.nms.on.ca/Secondary/healthy_food_choices_checklist.htm

http://www.americanheart.org/presenter.jhtml?identifier=570

http://www.hc-sc.gc.ca/fn-an/food-guide-aliment/index_e.html

But the one message that I do want to make clear is that you do not actually need to lose weight. And that if you choose to do so, you should do it healthy and clean. No artificial drug supplements, no crash diets, and dear god girl if you tell me you want to go on any kind of soup diet I will kick your butt. Seriously. Those methods may have results, but they are SHORT TERM and do massive damage to your body and self esteem. Take the better road here, and make sure that you are treating your body as it should be treated.. you only have one body and it will not last forever on diet pills and bulimia. Hell, that will send you further to the grave.

Let me know if you need anything else, but I am sure that you will be great as long as you respect the body you have and know it’s limitations.

refrence: BMI calculator for teens and adults: http://www.cdc.gov/nccdphp/dnpa/bmi/index.htm

Kid in a Candy Store

Soulseer Answers

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Hi Aunt B,

I am 23 and recently out and had been visiting a couple of the gay bars, here in my little town. I really fell for this guy, we'll call Bobby. He's so sweet and so cute, sexy too. My problem is that, as I said, I have really fallen head over high heels for this guy. We've been out a few times and yes, we had sex over and over and it was really great. I felt something for him. It pains me to say this but he's really flirtatious and whatever else, with other guys. It's driving me insane. No he hasn't committed to me and I have no right over him but it really bothers me, no it really hurts me, when I see him with someone else. I think he's gone home with this other guy. I was actually angry about it. Then I was just hurt. It seems he can be with me one night and then with someone else the next. I'm not like that. Yes, I wanted the sex, as much as he did. No he never said he wanted to see only me and I didn't say that either. I'm kind of scared to tell him really how I feel, yet it makes me a raving bitch when I see him talking to other men. Aunt B, what can I do?

Hey Friend,

I can relate and have been in your shoes before. Not a comfortable fit, huh? So, we gotta stretch them out and make it work. Pay Less has a sale...

You seem to have some semblance of reality, concerning what or how you should feel. You're right; No, you have no right to feel this way but yet you do. Maybe the only thing you can do, is chance telling him just exactly how you feel. What do you really have to lose, other than, that chance he won't feel the same way?

A lot of times, young guys, newly out, want to play the field, sew their oats and see and do it all. I know I was like that. The prospect of settling down, right after I came out, were next to none. But one side of me, longed for a loving relationship, while the other was like a kid in a candy store, every Friday and Saturday Nite. I'd go to the Clubs, have such a good time, dance-n-date the night away and not think of a real relationship. My favorite place to go, was a club in D.C. called Traxx. It all went down there and who could possibly want to be tied down to one person, when all that's going on? Bobby may still be the kid in the candy store, you see?

It happens, more than not, you do and will grow weary, as we all do, of going home alone, or maybe even being with someone, only to have them not call. Even the hardest and most seasoned Veterans of this scenario, grow tired, I think.

I also think your friend, Bobby, may not be there yet and you have to understand. It doesn't hurt to tell him, that you care, beyond just a fling. You may get your feelings hurt, when and if he says he doesn't feel the same way. But if you prepare for it and the fact that he's not on the same page, as yourself, well, maybe it won't sting, quite as bad. You then, must not take it personal. I know that's easier said, than done but it's reality.

Chalk it up to a life lesson, move on and I guarantee, Mr. Right will eventually come your way. As I said before, eventually, we all get tired of the game. Mr. Right will have grown tired of that game too and just want to enjoy your company. You'll see.

Be Safe, Act Safe, Love Safe.


Aunt Babz Said...

I agree with Soulseer. I hope you can move on, if this fella, doesn't want or understand having a relationship. The right guy will come along and as Soulseer said, you just wait and see!

You Deserve Better

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...
Dear Aunt Babz,

I am 30, and have had a series of severe, long lasting crushes on men who have not reciprocated. Apart from that, I had a 3 month long relationship which ended in tears (we are still friends though), and a few flings that left me feeling worthless and dirty.

The last crush I had lasted 3 years, and after months of finding lots of ways to be near him, I told him my feelings via SMS. He politely said he was not interested in a relationship, he was only after physical affairs, that he was selfish in relationships, that he waited for women to "fall into his lap" and then he decided what to do with them.

Since then I have tried to be cool and adult about it, but I have ended up feeling worse. Although he is always polite (yet distant), I feel that I am so ugly and fat, he couldn't even f*** me with a paper bag over my head. He's said many times, he's popular with the women, one even bought him a new car recently, that he's got several on the go right now, and has had many girlfriends in his life. And I don't even rate as a one nighter. Not even as a friend.

Recently I SMSed him saying I won't speak to or see him for a while, maybe a few years, because I haven't got over him yet. He eventually replied that was ok, we'll talk later. I am still upset over this.

I've been reading books on how to get a partner, the strategy seems to be, be young, beautiful and thin, look like you're having fun, NEVER approach a man, and let him make all the moves. But I'm not good at playing this game, and am despairing that I'll never find a man, until I have lost 50lbs.

What to do?

Kathleen

Dear Kathleen,

First and foremost, I think you've been way too hard on yourself. In addition, I have to question your values and belief systems.

You must do what you can to make yourself feel better, as far as your appearance but it is shallow on anybody's part to think they are not desirable because of their weight, the level of attractiveness and so on. Now, I am more than aware that this world revolves around good looks and more often than not, we have a messed up standard concerning how women should be; a rail like waif. I do not believe this is a good perception and if I had my way, women around the world would say, "Enoughs enough," concerning this merit less perception.

Do what you can, to make a reasonable attempt, concerning your weight but the fact that you may be over weight, should never stand in the way of you, as a person. No, you must look in the mirror and see yourself, your soul, as who you really are. If you feel the need to lose weight, then you work on it, you try to limit your eating, maybe get out and walk, only to make yourself feel better. But it must be so you will feel better, not to please anyone else.

This is an extremely touchy subject for me. I feel too much emphasis is placed on appearances and an unrealistic hardship, placed on women to appear a certain way. We ruin our feet, to look a certain way, in high heels and it can be freezing cold and icy out and what are we wearing? A short skirt, high heels and so on. It's ridiculous and we need to stop it.

I do feel if you begin a reasonable weight lose program, you may feel better, in the aspect of your health but I will say it again; anybody that judges you on your weight is shallow. They are not anyone you need to be with in the first place.

I'm sorry but this guy, you've mentioned sounds like one of those shallow people, I just mentioned and for the love of me, I don't know why you'd want to torture yourself for his unrequited love? You deserve so much better. Say it with me, "You Deserve Better."

They have a saying, it's kinda Redneck and I hope you don't take it wrong but they say, "There's a dog for every dog." Meaning there's someone out there, that will love even a dog, every dog, any dog. What it means is that even if you were a dog, which you are not, there's someone out there that will love you for you. Real people don't see fat or a handicap or unattractiveness. True love is blind, deaf, dumb, crippled and crazy. Do you understand? I am not calling you a dog, I am simply pointing out, that the popular, beautiful people are a minority and if they weren't, everybody'd be considered beautiful, right? I mean there'd be no line drawn, we'd all be considered beautiful and then there'd be no definition or exception for who's beautiful, who'd not and every level in between. So, the odds are that there's more real people and your mate is out there.

How you carry yourself, is how you are perceived. How and what, you feel about yourself, just like body language, can be read and is more self-evident that you may realize. If you feel ugly, you will be ugly. If you are realistic and see yourself, as you really are and look at your best qualities and allow them to shine, then that is exactly what people will see.

I have said this, more often than not, but you must use, at your disposal, every tool possible, to begin to empower yourself. It is an exercise in reality, to look in the mirror and assess yourself. One should do this daily. But in all due reality, you must also realize that people, all people have flaws. You have flaws, I have flaws, even the most beautiful people, have flaws. Because of their persona, we choose, for the most part, not to see them. I think the tabloids make such good money because we want to humanize those beautiful people. We choose to look at their flaws because it makes us feel better about ourselves. It is a contradiction, at best. We emulate and want to be just like them, yet we point the finger and say, "Ah ha, look at you Miss Wanna Be Perfect, you're not so perfect after all."

Now, you can choose to look at your own flaws and pick at them, or you can choose to see that person, who you truly are, who you truly can be. I can feel that you are actually, a powerful women trapped in a body, you don't care for. Improve on what you can, begin to hold your head up and carry yourself, as that powerful woman. Put on Aunt B's Bitch Belt, begin to know that you are the few, the proud, the "Real Women." Once you do this, you will begin to see the difference.

I have about 30 posts(on my sidebar) on Empowerment and Empowerment exercises. I'd love to see you read, even a few and garner some strength, take what applies and run with it.

Tame the Blame & Shame Game

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt Babz,

My husband has been divorced for six years. We will be married 3

years this month, second marriage for both of us. I have never met

his ex-wife as we life in different states. In three weeks we will

be attending a wedding and my husband's ex-wife will be there. Last

week my husband mentioned that he does not want me to wear my diamond

ring or the expensive watch that he gave me as a gift. He said that

it might hurt her feelings if she saw them. I agreed to his request

as I have the "disease to please" and didn't want to disappoint him.

After thinking about it his possible motives for asking this of me

are more disturbing than the thought of not wearing the watch and

ring. I have been having an inter-dialogue with myself constantly

about his request. I guess you could call it obsessing. I go back

and forth to being outraged that he would bring this up, to "do I

want to be right, or do I want to be happy?" I haven't made an issue

about this and I'm wondering if I should after agreeing to it in the

first place.

Two years ago he had Thanksgiving dinner with his ex-wife and her

parents. Weeks before the dinner she asked my husband to pretend that

they were still married. She said that since her parents are elderly

she didn't think they would cope well with her divorce. She kept

this charade up until a few months ago when she finally told them.

They were ok with it and totally supportive. This makes me believe

that she used her parents as the excuse for not telling them about

her divorce because she couldn't handle it. It was all about her,

not them. And my husband willingly went along with it.

My husband assures me that he does not have feelings for her, and

that he loves me, but he still caters to her stupid requests and is

proactive in protecting her feelings. I think he feels guilty about

asking her for a divorce, and his motivation is driven by guilt. He

has made his problem my problem.

Should I be concerned about my husband's need to protect his ex-

wife's feelings? What is wrong with me? Why do I go along with the

manipulation and charades?

Your valued opinion would be greatly appreciated.

Dear Friend,

Well, right from Jump St., I'll tell you, it wouldn't sit well with me either. None of it.

While flaunting expensive jewelry is distasteful, in the first place, I guess it's the principal behind it. Being kind and considerate, amicable and caring, towards his ex, is one thing, hiding the celebration of your love, is another story. Is it possible that he has over looked that the gift, you received from him, was just that;
A celebration, a sign of his deep love, devotion and affection for you?

There are always two sides to every coin. There are three sides to every story too; Yours, His and the Facts The facts in this case, show that he has, for whatever reason, not moved on, in the sense that he stands against the world, that you two are married, happy and his past is just that; His Past.

I think it's time to take that old Duct Tape, off his old marriage. Yes, that good ol' 90 mph tape has held him in place, even if he didn't realize it. I don't get the feeling that he does this with animosity. No, in fact, I think your hubby, is a pretty nice guy. I also feel his ex wife, takes advantage of his good nature and plays him. Then, if you say anything about it, you'd feel guilty, possessive, needy, jealous and I could go on but I think you get the point, right?

My suggestion, first and foremost, is that you have him read this...

How would he feel if your ex husband, required the same from you? How would he feel, if you asked him to let you go, to dinner, on a major holiday, with your ex husband? How would he feel, if you spent Thanksgiving, playing the loving married couple, with your ex? How would he feel, if you asked him to pretend, that a trinket, a sign of your love, should not be worn, in front of your ex, cause dammit, what would he think? What? He might get the impression, that you love him more than you loved your ex?

I'm sorry but I think he's asked a little too much and been a little too accommodating, in respect to his ex wife. In all due reality, what she thinks should not matter and in all due respect, I'd want her to know that you are both happy, loved and care enough to give of that love.

Yes, it comes down to the principle of the matter. The heart of the matter is the affairs of the heart and he has got to look in the mirror and ask himself, if the shoe was on the other foot, how would he feel? He has not been fair to you and it is not fair of him, to ask you to not show that expression of love, for the sake of his ex wife. I have one question; Really, why do you care what she thinks? Take that duct tape off and step into your marriage, your current marriage. Stand up to her, hubby and be the husband, you were meant to be, with your wife. I doubt your vows, spoken, hopefully in truth and love, said to always love, honor and obey, your ex wife, now did they?

Have your husband read this. I know as a man, he may not care for you bringing your business elsewhere? But I do not know you, nor will I ever know you. No harm, no foul. This actually pisses me off, I can't pretend it doesn't and I only have one question for your husband;

How long will you allow yourself, to be held hostage, duct taped to your ex wife, before you wake up and realize that she knows what she's doing and does it for a reason. It's time to play the, "Tame the Blame and Shame Game." Let her go, let yourself, truly commit to your wife and be a true husband, heart and soul. Never expect from your wife, what you would not be willing to do yourself. It's time to let go of the guilt, your ex so fondly throws in your lap.

I'd want to wear the ring and watch proudly. Is he ashamed of your love? It's high time, to play to win. Now, just for shitz -n-giggles, wear matching t-shirts.
(Just kidding)

Takes Two To Tango

Xmichra Answers

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt Babz,

I have a friend...

Who’s pregnant and going thru a lot of problems financially and emotionally. She’s pregnant from her ex husband who she was in the process of divorcing.
She says she still loves him, but really not sure if she’s with him because she loves him or because there is a baby involved.

I feel bad for her. I want to help her with some good advice. I saw her crying today because she says her ex nickel and dimes and it couldn’t be at a worse time. She’s struggling financially and has to answer to him and he never bothers to ask how she’s doing financially.

What should I tell her????

Dear Sonia,

The best thing that you can do for your friend is to just be supportive. Right now she has a lot on her plate with being pregnant and trying to make a relationship work. Never mind the added stress of financing.

Right now, if you were to try and talk her out of being with this guy, I think that you would be the one kicked to the curb, not him. She is likely trying to do what she feels is best for her family, even if she doesn’t think it will work out… she has to try. And this is her lesson to learn unfortunately.

All you can do is ask about her health, keep reassuring her that she is doing the best that she can, and hope that she ends up well (either in this relationship or out of it).

Ultimately she is the one who has to decide what she is going to do… and if you interfere you might end up on her bad side. However, don’t be too afraid to ask normal friend questions either (like how they are doing, if she feels it’s working out, etc) because these conversations will help her speak her mind… and possibly to change it too.

All of us make mistakes, and sometimes things work out for the best. So just keep supporting your friend, and let her know how amazing you think she is.

Aunt Babz Said...

I agree with Xmichra, you must be careful, as she's got mixed emotions and you don't really want to be more than supportive. What I mean is if you hand her, your opinion, she may throw it at you. I'm not saying that this is what she will do, but it is possible. If the subject is brought up, I would tell her she needs to be more assertive and state her needs. It's within her right to ask him for help, as he is the Father. Of course, the law states otherwise, until they can conduct DNA testing, then he most certainly will be held accountable. But morally, he knows she needs help, he knows the child is his. She must make a stand and state her needs. It takes two to Tango and last I knew, it took a man and a woman, in sexual union, to impregnate a woman. She needs to take away that sense of guilt she's wearing and realize, that he was there for the making part of this baby and he needs to be there for the financial part. Throw away the guilt and you have the cold hard facts, as I said before; It takes two to Tango.

Never Had Chocolate???

Xmichra Answers

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt Babz,

Hello

I really dont ever know were to start. I am a mother of 1 that has realized that I can not connect with men. For years I have wanted the touch of a woman. I love all the things about a woman. I grew up in a christian home were lesbianism is wrong.I was talking with a friend and I told her how I felt and she said that I was a lesbian. I cant get sexual pleasure from a man at all I have a hard time giveing myself to a man. I even lost interest in my childs father.We have been broken up for a year.I find my self getting overly excited while looking at a woman.What excites me the most is the form and the beauty of a woman. Is there something wrong with me I feel as though I am loseing my mind trying to figure out what to do. I cant seem to get women off my mind I have no interest in men only woman.

Please help!!

Dear Please Help,

Let me start with one simple answer: there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.

There are plenty of women and men who feel the same as you. And there are plenty of normal reactions that you feel. In fact, I know of several women who feel excited or love the female frame. And it is something that you can either choose to ignore and possibly avoid happiness, or you can embrace that feeling and let it take you to something that you never knew was possible.

There is the possibility that you are bi-sexual, or that you need to get this urge to be with a woman filled. I will relate to my own experience here, but it doesn’t mean that this is where you are. See, before I met my husband I had sex with a woman. It wasn’t because I was gay (though I see no problem with that) I just wanted to know what it would feel like to lay with this woman I met. And I can recall that evening with more clarity then any boyfriend before her, and with very good reason. It was so intricate and so… romantic. That it will stay with me forever.

Of course since this encounter I have met my best friend and lover, and he is amazing… and I couldn’t possibly think of straying or choosing a woman over him. And that is the point that I am getting too. I know that for women (mostly) sex is not always thought of as a connection of body, but a connection of minds. And it can be something very special when the soul is involved. And I do know of one particular female friend of mine who has been married and happily so, to a man for ten years now.. but regrets not “experimenting” when she was younger. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, it’s something to seriously think about in respect to future relationships.

Lets take something really silly here as an example. Say that you had never tried chocolate before. You diligently ate your meals with all the food groups, and were very satisfied.. and knew that it was good for you and your body. But you just know that others have eaten chocolate.. and you love the smell, the many varieties, the look of the displays and fountains. Would you completely deny that you wanted a taste? Or would you dip in to see if you did enjoy it? Of course, you may still love your meals a little more then the chocolate, or you might become a chocolate lover. But either way, you are not pining over what you ‘could have’ had/done.

You see what I am getting at here?

Now as for the family issues, I know that lesbianism (or being gay in general) is offensive to a lot of religious people. But, if they don’t let their religion dictate HOW they love a person then you might be making more out of this then you can imagine. Sure, there is the possibility that they will not talk to you… but this is your happiness that we are talking about. So make your choices, and then write your parents a letter explaining how alone you feel. Explain that this choice has nothing to do with disregarding what they have taught you. That they have taught you to be loving and in search of happiness, and that you feel happy with this choice, and wish they could feel the same.

I would write a letter to them after you had spoken to them though, for one reason: they might not react the way you think they will. Some people who are very religious actually don’t care if people are gay. Seriously. They just want their loved ones to be happy, and still remain connected with God. Now, you might not know where your parents are in this mind set, but if you go into a conversation assuming the worst you can offend and upset. So go into it knowing that you have a back up plan (the letter) if things don’t go well.. but that you are giving them the benefit of thinking your choices are fine.

Let us know how things pan out, and don’t be afraid to make this choice. You don’t ever want to regret not following your heart.