Riding That Vicious Cycle

Dear Agony Aunt of Mines,

As all of your letters start I shall begin with the same:

The time you’ve took to read this letter I cannot give back to you, nor do

I have something of any interest to give in return, or anything I can do

for a reply but say that a stranger is sitting on the other side of the

world in a room by himself, at 01:30 in the morning writing a letter;

looking for help.

I'll begin back in Scotland just over three years ago after finishing

University I went through a stage of mild depression (self diagnosis).

since a young age I had worked towards my current status as a qualified

Kayaking instructor, qualified abseiling instructor, British European and

World champion bagpipe player, loads of friends, I was in great physical

shape as well. I even applied to get in to the Royal Air Force (RAF)...I

had it all going for me.

Then all of a sudden, something changed. First the bagpipes kinda lost

interest when I was teaching (I just put it down to, I’d conquered the

tournaments and the challenge had disappeared), I thought it was just

because I’d gotten so far and wasn’t going to get any better...so I quit.

Soon after gradually the kayaking and the outdoor side of me lost its

interest too. Over a period of a year my whole social outlook in life

faded. Mood swings and loss of a steady sleeping pattern became apparent

over time too.

I had nothing. No hobbies like I used to, to career aspect and the pilots

training I decided wasn’t for me, and soon enough I wasn’t quite the

muscular person I used to be... I was in a rut just like I am now. I even

got myself into a little debt trying out new things to put that spark

back into my life, with no avail. Time passed and somehow Kevin (who was

a distant friend at the time) invited me over to Denmark. 3 years later I’m

still trying to fill the gap that was my life before I lost interest in

everything. As it stands now; I’m (slightly) overweight, I have a shit

job. I haven’t had a girlfriend in over 4 years because I’m boring and I

know it. And I have 40,000 kroner debt. (4000GBP)

The saddest part to the whole thing, is if even if I fight all my short

term problems: get rid of the debt, get into good shape again, etc etc...

I have nothing to look forward to, nothing.

I want nothing, I have no interest in any job aspect, and I’ve even given

up on trying to find a girl/girlfriend. I just don’t know what to do. I’m in

a rut, a big deep rut.

So I ask of you, what’s the secret to putting the spark back into life when

You’ve tried everything you liked/wanted for and lost it all? When there’s

no light at the end of the tunnel and something inside you asks why isn’t

it there? Please help me.

Well Darlin’, you’ve captured my heart with the Bagpipes. I love them and for me, they hold a rich sense of history. My family is Irish/Scot and I am Indian. My heart is held by the sound of bagpipes.

From what I gather, you are an extremist. You are the kind of guy who lives on the edge, jumps out of airplanes, lives for the adrenaline. If you are not doing something extreme, you don't feel alive. It sounds like you've maxed out though, huh?

My initial reaction is that you are battling depression. This coupled with your lack of sleep can cause a significant change in your complete make-up and how you view your life, your love and things in general. This situation seems a bit complex. I would suggest counseling but somehow, I have the impression, that you are not the "Going to Counseling" type? Since I believe this is the case, all I have to offer is a bit of perspective.

Depression is a tricky bugger. It's like a Spanner, peeking in on your life and it can hold you hostage. You then sit there and wonder just how the hell it got in?(Take this test, from the post prior to this)

Let me offer a couple of suggestions here; Sleep is so important, get it, do it, make it. If you don't want to take sleeping pills from your Doctor, you can get some Benadryl, OTC.
The key ingredient in Tylenol PM is Diphenhydramine HCl, which is also the generic name for Benadryl's ingredients. In other words, you can buy a generic form and look for the active ingredient, "Diphenhydramine." This may get you back in that sleep loop. You may begin to feel better, even from a good nights sleep.

Now, there's no data to support this, that I have found but I have a theory about,
"Extreme Behaviorists." I am an extremist myself and so is my ex-husband. It can actually be, somewhat of an addiction. You live for the thrill, of your behavior and once you become an extremist, it's understandably hard, to break old habits. Some people, who are extremists, create chaos in their life, when they are not, "On the edge." They may become argumentative, just for the sake, of the chaos it brings. Once you've behaved in an extreme manner, it's hard to find consolation, with the mundane. It seems dull and unrewarding. Believe it or not, the data and text, concerning addiction, shows similar behaviors. Once you've "jazzed up" your life with drugs, when you are not high, things just don't catch your interest. Now, I am not implying, that you and a drug addict, are one and the same, let me make that clear. You did not even mention any form of addiction, or the lot. I simply point this out because you may benefit from some of the Recovery tricks and tweaks. If you research it and some of the advice from professionals, you'd find that the key, to overcoming addiction, is in making yourself aware of some of your own quirks and behaviors. They use an example or acronym referred to as, "H.A.L.T.,"which stands for, *Hungry...Angry...Lonely...Tired
it encourages us not to become too:
HUNGRY: When we dislike ourselves, we neglect and deprive our bodies of the balanced diet we need.
Food is a source of nurturing. Our bodies are ours to keep and care for so that we may understand
and carry out God’s will for us. When our bodies cry for attention, we no longer have time
for the spiritual program necessary for recovery.
ANGRY: When we choose not to deal with a situation immediately, there is a possibility that those feelings we are afraid to express will become resentments that we may later use as an excuse to drink or use drugs.
LONELY: When we believe that we are either better or worse than other people, we dig ourselves into a
hole of self-pity, feeling unique in our differences. We soon begin to feel the loneliness of such
isolation, and we tell ourselves that it is a good reason to drink or use drugs.
TIRED: When we can’t make sense out of anything and life overwhelms us, it is possible we have run
ourselves into a screeching HALT. We have filled our lives with so many activities that we have no
time for reflection.

I do not imply this acronym, to you in a sense of addiction to drugs but an addiction to extreme behavior.
Sex is another issue or situation, that can become humdrum, if you are used to pornography, fetish, S & M and the likes. I say this for perspective but if you have been doing a lot of kinky stuff, on a continual basis, going back to the missionary style, may seem boring. Do you see the correlation, I am making here? If we do things, all through life in an extreme manner, it's sure as hell not going to get you excited to sit on the couch, is it? On the other hand, I think what has happened, is you topped out. You burnt your candles at both ends, did it all, per say and feel there's nothing left. But is this really true? Is there nothing left?

I think you burned out and then fell into depression. Depression will cause sleep problems. It's a vicious cycle and one feeds off the other. But I think you know this, right? So, we need to find a way to climb out and put things into perspective, correct?

To start, let's look at things realistically. You are now older, this is a fact. I don't know your age but I'd be willing to bet, you are having a hard time getting older. We don't have to let go of dreams and desires, as we grow older but we often have to modify them. In your 30's, no matter what you do, you may never be that spry, spunky monkey you were in your 20's. But you can keep in shape. My first suggestion is to start to work out again. I don't mean go hog wild but a moderate amount of exercise is going to make a man, like you, feel better. Once you begin to feel better about yourself, you will begin to "wear" that persona on the inside and out. Right now, you don't feel good about you but I can tell at some point you were a man to be reckoned with. You can get that edge back and begin to feel better, by getting out and working out again. When you were in better shape, you felt better about yourself and how you looked. Start a little every day, walking and build up your exercise regimen. I guarantee, you will begin to feel better.

Complacency Breeds Complacency

You have not done it all, let me point this out. You need to challenge yourself and start with the exercise. Rome was not built in one day, so you need to start somewhere, right? Start by looking in the mirror. You obviously are not happy with you. It's clear to me, that you are very hard, on yourself. It's even clearer, that there's a reason, you feel the need to "Perform." A man is not measured by his feats but by how good-hearted he is. Your systems, values and beliefs need to be put under a microscope. I want you to realize that you were only doing yourself harm, if you believed, that a man, is only respected, by how hard he is, body and mind. I respect your feelings of wanting to be the very best, let me make that known. But there comes a time, when you have to realize that you do not have to win constantly and you sure don't have to be the best at everything, to be respected. It's commendable, to be good, at all the things you have done but I want you to begin to be good at just being you. Relax your thinking a little and your assessment of your own self-worth. I think you are really tired of trying so hard, just to be you. Maybe it's time to re-invent yourself?
Someone you respect, taught you that you have to excel and win. These are really good qualities, if you know where the cut off point is, where you can relax. You gave up, instead of just relaxing some of your beliefs and then you became disgusted with yourself. You need a half-way point here.

1. Start with getting a good nights sleep. This plays a huge role in how we perceive all things and how we feel. Some people are proud of the fact that they don't sleep. They're usually cranky bastards too! So, get some sleep on a regular basis.
2. Begin to exercise, even if it's to go to the park and walk. You may not remember how good it feels to work up a sweat but I'm willing to bet that once you do, you'll feel refreshed.
3. Relax and stop holding yourself to such high expectations. Enjoy life and go with the flow. You'll begin to breathe differently.
   
4. Just be you, not the Lion after the prey, on guard and ready to pounce. When you feel that anxiety, like you need to be doing something extreme and feeling guilty because you are not doing it, put on your favorite music and just relax.
5. Stop believing that you have to live an extreme lifestyle to measure up.

I think once you implement these 5 things, you'll stop that vicious cycle that's got you hobbled. Each thing will fall into place and when you begin to feel better, you'll look better. As we get older, we must often accept that our body does not cooperate as it once did. This you must come to terms with and accept. You can however get comfortable in your own skin. I encourage you not to be so superficial and accept you for who you are. Begin to love yourself again and in turn, you'll be able to love another. Did you realize that you may be putting off negative energy, that people, specifically women can sense? Who wants to go out with a ball of bad energy? Stop it and start just being you. Become aware of this possibility and you will see the difference if you change it. Oh, and stop being such a perfectionist. I can feel it. Now, just do it!

Grab A Star

This was sent to Aunt B via email...


Hi ya,
I'm 18 and don't have a job at the moment and it gets me down a lot
because I cant go out and see my mate. I have to rely on my Mum and I'm really
bored of day time t.v but theres a big problem because I know I need a job but
I just can't get up out of bed and look for one please help. why is it I know
what I have to do but just won't. Why?

~~~

Hey Sweetie, One side of me wants to put a foot in your butt, just I've had to with my own sons. But the other wants to hug you and tell you, it's gonna be alright. I just so have happened to see depression, up close and personal. I think this may be part of your issue? Your letter is too vague for any real assessment but I can give you some perspective.

Don't think for one minute that I do not understand, ok? I've been so depressed and full of anxiety that I was virtually paralyzed. I have been diagnosed with Manic Depression, Battered Woman's Syndrome and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Did I mention my addictions? I am a mess but I have grown and so will you.

Sometimes our lives feel as if we have no control, no hope and no future. It's sure easy to fall into the trappings of a situation, our lives, just not what we'd hoped for. It can be disappointing, huh? But here you are, at the start of your life and you are spinning in one spot. Let's look at the possibilities, ok?

It may be Depression and I have given you some tests, definitions and links at the bottom of this post. If you are depressed, you may not be able to climb out alone. I would seek counseling, two heads are better than one, right? You may very well have a legitimate need for medication. Depression can run in families. My own family has been touched by it. My husband, I and my children, all have varying degrees. Before my husband died, I didn't know about depression, not really. My husband was very depressed, most of the time. I would get extremely angry with him and thought he just needs to get off his lazy ass and do something. I had no idea just how devastating it can be. I think, a lot of the population has no understanding of depression and they can certainly be cold and calloused about those that don't fit into the mold that Society dictates as how a normal citizen should behave. You understand what I mean? They expect everybody to be able to go to school, and then go to work 9 to 5, raise a family and be productive. There's not much tolerance if you do not adhere to their plans for success in citizenry.
If you have a form of depression, medication may help you, as well as therapy. But let me point this out to you...having depression gives you no license to sit in your own crap and not do anything about it. If you see that you have a problem, seek help. It will not come to you, right? Make a phone call to your Human Services, Mental Health Services or even a Hotline. They may and will steer you where you need to go.
I believe you know something is not right or you'd not have written, huh?

Perspective

Self-esteem, may very well be another issue? I am more than aware of how difficult it can be to leave your home, go to a job interview and wait to be, figuratively kicked in the teeth. The mere thought of being rejected by a potential Employer, can be paralyzing, huh? I'd bet you are sitting there and you sabotage yourself? You are telling yourself, that no one wants to hire you? Well, with that attitude, you have to ask yourself, if you'd hire you, right? Stop it!

Every single person has something to offer to society, every single person. Now, we need to hone in on your strengths and look at your weaknesses in a positive way.
First, look at what you have to offer an employer. Don't tell me nothing either!

Homework

I would love to see you list your good qualities, on paper. Are you good with people? Are you good with computers? Are you good at…and so on? What are your good qualities? You have not told me if you have any job experience or if you are skilled in anything? But let’s assume you have no skills or past job experience, ok?

First and foremost, you must have realistic goals. You can not expect to Manage or be a CEO overnight. You’ll have to find an entry level job. You are 18 years old and it’s quite possible that you want the world and you want it now. You may also have to humble yourself and take a job that you are not especially fond of. Once you get out there and begin to work, at anything, you will find that you begin to feel better. Then, you want more and you dream bigger. It’s not fact but it seems to me that when it’s hard to find a job, once you get out there, more jobs pop up. It’s an unwritten rule that I’ve seen myself. I’ve worked so many jobs that were rather unpleasant but I always began to feel better once I was out in the work force and productive. I can just about guarantee, that if you follow this strategy, you will begin to feel better. In turn, you will be out there and more apt to hear of better jobs. I’m telling you, to go out and find a crap job, that’s not too challenging. You will feel better about yourself and when you see that you are actually capable of more, you then look for better. Remember, the jobs will not look for you, you must look for them.

Another thing I want you to think about and envision is an actual interview. How will you conduct yourself? What will you wear? If you are trying to get any job, you should try to dress the part. In other words, let’s say you want to work as a nurses aid, you would wear white. If it’s a business office, you’d want to wear a suit. But if you are going for an average job, you at least wear a collared shirt, if male and if you are a woman, you’d best wear a dress or nice pants suit. You have to match your clothing to what you want to obtain and perspective employers will be able to envision you fitting in. Even if you would try for a job in fast food, i.e. McDonalds, you would at least wear a clean Polo shirt and slacks. You don’t want to over dress but look clean cut.

The next thing I want you to envision is this; if you go for a job interview and they do not hire you, most likely you will never see them again. What is the worst thing that can happen; they tell you that you are not suited for the position? Would that kill you or crush you? Don’t allow the element of the unknown to hold you in the grips of fear. But if you start off realistically and within the scope of your training, skills or even lack of both and try for a job, just about anybody could get, there’s little chance of rejection. And as I stated before, after you’ve been out there and you feel better about yourself and your personal self-worth, you step it up a notch and shoot for a better job. If you have no skills, then you pay attention and learn that particular job, the one you are in. See, you may be able to take that experience and apply it to the next job. Life skills are often the best skills to obtain and as long as you have a good work ethic, you can’t go wrong. A good work ethic means that whatever job you do, you do it the best job possible. You take pride in this and being on time. You don’t work hard at getting out of work. You work smart and you won’t have to work as hard. Invest your time in honing whatever it is you will do and do it well. It doesn’t matter if you are a garbage/rubbish collector, you be the best damn collector/sanitation worker you can be.

I think you just need a good dose of perspective. I think you may be expecting that your life should be all together and planned right here, right now. But for some of us, it just doesn’t work that way. Some of us are not handed college or a family business. Some of us have to work hard and get our hands dirty. We can’t all be the beautiful people now can we? I am not in the scope of the beautiful people either and I have worked since I was 14 years old. I take pride in the fact, that I arrive at work on time, I don’t call in sick, faking an illness to get out of work and I don’t spend my time making it look like I’m working, trying to get over. I can look in the mirror and be proud of myself. I believe you can do this too. Stop trying to reach the moon and just grab one of the million stars. Be good at whatever it is you do and remember that every body doesn’t get everything handed to them on a silver platter. Hell no, mine was handed to me on a paper plate and I do the best I can with it.

You have to start somewhere and you have to crawl before you can walk. Start crawling, get out there, next thing you know, you’ll be flying!

Here's an NYU, Depression Test Click Here



Here's another Test Click Here



Depression



Many men/women don't recognize depression symptoms. Depression is a complex matter. In recent years, with burgeoning research progress, we are finding out that depression is much more common than many of us thought. At least 15% (and likely more) of men/women take an antidepressant during their lifetime. Depression is much more common in women than in men, but the reason for this female predominance is unclear.

Besides the fact that woman suffer from depression more often than do men, women often think they can "work through" a depression on their own. They may misunderstand the low risk associated with medication treatment of depression, or else they believe that because they are intelligent hard-working people a counselor or psychologist will be of no help. These mistaken beliefs are, unfortunately, common. Medications for depression may sometimes have annoying side effects, such as agitation, insomnia, or drowsiness, but serious reactions are extremely unusual. Women with a true depression are suffering. Such bothersome, non-life threatening side effects, which may lessen soon anyway, are likely to be much more tolerable than untreated depression for many women. Time and again, studies have shown that either counseling or medication therapy, or optimally both together, are extremely effective in safely relieving depression in both women and men.
Learn about treatments for depression »

Top Searched Depression Terms:
symptoms, teenage depression, postpartum depression, depression test, signs, types, bipolar depression, suicide
Doctor to Patient

What is a depressive disorder?

Depressive disorders have been with man since the beginning of recorded history. In the Bible, King David, as well as Job, suffered from this affliction. Hippocrates referred to depression as melancholia, which literally means black bile. Black bile, along with blood, phlegm, and yellow bile were the four humors (fluids) that accounted for the basic medical physiology of that time. Depression has been portrayed in literature and the arts for hundreds of years, but what do we mean today when we refer to a depressive disorder? In the nineteenth century, depression was seen as an inherited weakness of temperament. In the first half of the twentieth century, Freud linked the development (pathogenesis) of depression to guilt and conflict. John Cheever, the author and a modern sufferer of depressive disorder, wrote of conflict and experiences with his parents as influencing his development of depression.

In the 1950's and 60's, depression was divided into two types, endogenous and neurotic. Endogenous means that the depression comes from within the body, perhaps of genetic origin, or comes out of nowhere. Neurotic or reactive depression has a clear environmental precipitating factor, such as the death of a spouse, or other significant loss, such as the loss of a job. In the 1970's and 80's, the focus of attention shifted from the cause of depression to its effects on the afflicted people. That is to say, whatever the cause in a particular case, what are the symptoms and impaired functions that experts can agree make up a depressive disorder? Although there is some argument even today (as in all branches of medicines), most experts agree that:

1. A depressive disorder is a syndrome (group of symptoms) that reflects a sad mood exceeding normal sadness or grief. More specifically, the sadness of depression is characterized by a greater intensity and duration and by more severe symptoms and functional disabilities than is normal.
2. Depression symptoms are characterized not only by negative thoughts, moods, and behaviors, but also by specific changes in bodily functions (e.g., eating, sleeping, and sexual activity). The functional changes are often called neurovegetative signs.
3. Certain people with depressive disorder, especially bipolar depression (manic depression), seem to have an inherited vulnerability to this condition.
4. Depressive disorders are a huge public health problem.

* In 1990, depression cost the United States 43 billion dollars in both direct costs, which are the treatment costs, and indirect costs, such as lost productivity and absenteeism.

* In a major medical study, depression caused significant problems in the functioning of those affected more often than did arthritis, hypertension, chronic lung disease, and diabetes, and in two categories of problems, as often as coronary artery disease.

* Depression can increase the risks for developing coronary artery disease, HIV, asthma, and some other medical illnesses. Furthermore, it can increase the morbidity (illness) and mortality (death) from these conditions.

5. Depression is usually first identified in a primary care setting, not in a mental health practitioner's office. Moreover, it often assumes various disguises, which causes depression to be frequently under-diagnosed.
6. In spite of clear research evidence and clinical guidelines regarding therapy, depression is often under-treated. Hopefully, this situation can change for the better.
7. For full recovery from a mood disorder, regardless of whether there is a precipitating factor or it seems to come out of the blue, treatments with medications and/or electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) and psychotherapy are often necessary.

Stand Up, You Are A Diamond

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Dear Aunt B,

My problem is a little confusing so please bear with me. I just recently broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years, two days before Valentines. We were high school sweethearts, and even started to plan our wedding. When we broke up, I tried to get him back in all the wrong ways. I called constantly, wrote a letter, and went over to his dorm when he didn't want to see me. He told me that I was too dependent of him, and that I was choking him. And that he didn't want me to e-mail, call him ever again. He had to force me out of his dorm room.

Now, my boyfriend Cody... ex-boyfriend... is under-taking a challenging major. In his department the professors, and the other students don't take him seriously. So everyday is like he feels like he has to prove himself, and the stress got to be too much. Not only in his school work but also in our relationship. Cody bottles up stress, and I just happened to be the one he took it out on. If Cody isn't in the Art building, he's either working his job from 5:30-8:30 every night, or in his dorm. He's been known to stay up until 5 in the morning working on his projects. With my dependency I pushed him over the edge. It was like I was stretching a rubber band and it finally snapped. Don't get me wrong... Cody is not a violent person. He just does not know how to manage his stress.The last time I tried to see him he told me he didn't want me to call him, or e-mail him or anything.

It still hurt like heck but it took me almost a week-straight of crying to finally get to the bottom of my problem of why I was so dependent on him. I was raped and molested at age 6, and it continued for 3 years. I never got help with the issue. I believe this may have been the cause on why I was so dependent on him. I lived in denial for 14 years of my life thinking that it never happened, and during that time I constantly beat myself up about it thinking that I was ugly, stupid, and that I wasn't good enough, or worthy enough for anyone to love me. No one knew about my rape except my close friends; and I actually didn't tell my mom until recently. It didn't matter if someone told me I was stupid, or ugly, because I already thought about myself like that. I convinced myself that I was. Now, I've started going to therapy, gotten involved in a church group, and I am finally feeling good about myself for the first time. I'm finally seeing what Cody saw in me all this time. This break-up has really allowed me to put myself and what happened to me in perspective. I can say that I don't regret the break-up because honestly I don't think I would have ever dealt with this issue. But still I miss him very much.

My therapist told me that all I had been doing coincided with the behavioral symptoms for something called "Rape Trauma Syndrome". I've done some research on my own, and I have about 7 of the behavioral symptoms including: dependency in relationships, living in denial, feeling not worthy, and believing that you won't have much of a future, and that you won't live long. He said that I didn't really know what I was doing because I was trying to in a sense "survive". Knowing all this has lifted such a weight off of me. One Sunday night, Cody called me after he saw me in Church to tell me that he forgave me, and that he just wanted to be friends. I've somewhat accepted this concept of being "friends" with him only because I know that I don't want to infringe on his personal space again. I do still want to continue our relationship because I am crazy about him. But I know I must take care of myself first, at the same time I don't want to loose him for good.

Our relationship was never perfect. We had our good times, and our bad but we still managed to stick together and make the most of our time together. We were an incredible team, and we talked about the future often. When life at home was less then perfect, Cody would listen to all my problems, and I him. We were a great comfort to each other, and brought each other up. In high school, I was probably more centered on him then anything else. My parents would tell me that I had to get out more with friends but I didn't listen. But I honestly didn't think that I had much of a future so I didn't try very hard in school. I pushed back the thought of my rape all those years, and actually tried to convince myself that it never even happened.

I told Cody what had happened to me after we had been dating almost a year. He told me it wasn't my fault what had happened to me, and honestly I didn't believe him even though Cody was the first person to tell me that I was beautiful, that I was smart, and that I was loved. I thought it was amazing that someone could care so much about a girl like me. It was easier to believe all these things when Cody and I were in the same room. But when I was alone at night in my room I would go back to telling myself I wasn't good enough. But I am. Now, I am starting to see all that and more in me. I really feel like someone has breathed oxygen into my lungs again. I feel wonderful. I'm finally beginning to love myself. I'm 20 now, and I can't believe that I survived this long... but I did!

I really feel that I've grown a lot in the past months, both emotionally, and spiritually. Even Cody's roommate Daniel commented that I seem to be a totally different person. And honestly I don't even feel like that scared, wounded little girl anymore. I AM a new woman!

I honestly feel that Cody is the man for me. There is still chemistry between us, and I know there are possibilities that there are other guys out there, but I really can't think of myself being with anyone else. I know I must take care of myself before testing our relationship again. And I do believe that once I get myself together, and heal more that our relationship will be so much more then it was before. I know that I want to tell Cody all that I've learned about myself in the past months of us breaking up. And I want to do this purely as his friend. I don't want to insinuate a relationship with him and I'm afraid thats what he'll be thinking if I try to talk to him. I'm not ready for that and neither is he.

So finally, Aunt B, my question: The next break coming up is Easter break. I know he will be home, and I am planning to go back and stay with a friend of mine that I haven't seen in a while that lives in the same town. I think that during break would be a good time to talk to him but I am really not sure. My cat is buried in his front yard and I was planning on planting flowers for her, and see if Cody would help me, and then possibly try and talk to him afterward. But I don't want him to feel trapped. I've overstepped my boundaries once and he forgave me for doing all those things, but I absolutely do not want to do that again. How can I talk to him without him feeling like I'm forcing myself on him again? I know that whatever happens Cody will need time and space and I am so willing to give him both. But how will I know when he is ready for us to continue our relationship? Is it something I'll just know? My therapist said something about I had been chasing Cody all this time, and that if I actually stop going after him he might go after me. But I still feel like I personally need to tell him all I've learned.

Thank you for taking time to read this! Any advice you can tell me will be great!

Signed,

A******





Dear A******,

Well Sweetie, you've been through it. The best thing you ever did was to get into counseling. I do believe with the right counselor and a willingness to change, all things can happen. A good counselor does not hand you the answers. I see them playing "Devil's Advocate" and helping you pull the answers out. Sometimes though, there are no answers and you have to rebuild the person that was broken down and learn coping skills. It seems to me, that you are doing this.
The variables are different, case to case, person to person but I can identify with every point you made. I was raped at least 3 times. It takes away an innocence but after being betrayed by your rapist, you begin a habit of distrust. The world is not an easy place but then you throw in a brew of being violated, especially on a continual basis and you have conjured up a vat of many emotions. You will often feel that people have an underhanded motive to their flattery and in life in general.
Rape of any kind is and can be so harmful. But when a child is raped, it can change the way they view life forever. It is a heinous crime to the highest power. I can only hope that my good friend Mz. Karma Bitchslap pays a visit to your rapist and if it's any consolation, they might get away with it in this life but I have to believe they will pay. I'm banking on retribution. In the meantime we must also be aware that anger kills. Keeping emotions, hurt, shame and that nasty ol' anger, can and will eat you alive. I think you know this and your counseling was and is the best thing you could ever do. Getting over some of these hurdles and emotions will be your way of winning. I am a firm believer that by entertaining anger, shame and a general feeling of worthlessness allows your rapist to win. Don't you give it to them. Take back your life, take back your emotions and take back control of you.
Being raped can cause a whole adaptation of our very being. We will often incorporate a survivalist mentality and often, we are not even aware that we are doing it. What's even worse, is when we do behave in a manner befitting Rape Trauma Syndrome. There are a lot of things, rape victims tend to do, even though they might know it's not really the right thing to do. Victims of rape are sometimes promiscuous and addiction, drowning out emotion, can often add insult to injury. A lot of it comes down to self worth. We may think we are not worthy in general.
I may possibly understand how you feel and I think the key here is going to be honesty, remember this.
It seems to me, you are very intelligent, I gather this from your prose but you have a distinct advantage over others, you might not even realize; you have empathy on this subject.

So, what to do? You have already taken several steps towards your healing, counseling is a big part of that. I mentioned honesty and let me add perspective. O.K., I do not know what you look like. You could be beautiful but this has made you feel ugly. What you need is reality and acceptance. How do we do this? First, we look in the mirror, literally. I did this and have been doing it every day since I adopted this into my being. I see a fairly attractive woman. I am not beautiful but I clean up good. I think a few years ago, I may have even been pretty but we'll use the word attractive. For years, I felt ugly on one hand but knew that I was OK, on the other. It comes down to feeling good in your own skin. Then, you must work on who you are. Are you a negative person? Do you behave like a victim? Then, you look in the mirror figuratively and assess yourself, each and every day. A person only grows if they nurture themselves. You will not find that in other people, money or material things. No, you have to become a woman on your own. It is a right of passage to feel comfortable in your own skin. You must be aware that it is real easy for us to look for happiness or fulfillment in people or material things. Was Cody this to you or a security blanket? Now, let me make it clear that I am not stating that this is what you were doing but I simply want you to look at it. Until you are happy with yourself, you are no good to any one else. You must stand on your own and work through all your own demons. Get it out and always look in the mirror. Be ok with yourself. Be realistic with yourself. Do not look for fault but assessment, as to what you have to offer. Most importantly, I want you to realize that what happened to you was not your fault and you should have no shame for it. Whoever did this was a heinous ass and it is easy to stay angry about it. If you do that though or continue to be victimized by it, you just that; it's victim. Stop!

I want you to begin the healing so you may stand on your own as a woman. Grow from this and rise above it. Look in the mirror and be honest as to what you have to bring to any relationship. I will repeat, do not look for fault. We all have faults, you don't own the market on that one and I don't care if you're Miss America, if we chose to, we will and can find fault. Be realistic as to who you are. Make sure you have NOT become needy. This is why I stress growing and standing on your own, as a person, as a woman. If you put on that *Bitch Belt and you become an assertive woman, who states her needs, does not play the victim or have a sense of entitlement, you will be a well rounded package. I think with Cody, even though it was or is love, you may have used that situation to buffer yourself. It was somewhat, possibly *Co-Dependency.

You're codependent for sure if, when you die,
someone else's life flashes in front of your eyes.

You've got to be you before you can be a couple and really before you have anything to offer. I think you are trying to do this right now and I think you are on the right road, the road to recovery. Most of all, remember when you start feeling bad or worthless, like a big ball of nothing, you let that SOB win. Take it back baby and put on that *Bitch Belt. Yes, I want you to wear it like Prada!



Stand Up

I am in complete agreement with your therapist. If you do not chase Cody, if it's true love, he will come back. If it's real and wholesome, he never left, he just took a break and you will always be on his mind. But the more independent you become, the more you have to offer. If he sees that you can exist without him, he's going to look at the situation. You need to be able to exist without him. If you are in the same room, you need to be only you, if you are a 1000 miles apart, you need to be able to cope on your own. Want and Addiction to a relationship are two different things.

Baby Steps

I truly believe for two people to become one in union, you can't have a fraction and a whole part. The math just doesn't add up, does it? Are you a fraction?
In marriage, it has to be 1+1=1 but that one is a whole number and is divisible, all on it's own. Don't be a fraction. Work on you and how you want to be perceived. Do you want to be perceived as needy, unhappy, negative or a victim? I don't think you do and I am not implying that you are. What i am saying is to assess yourself. You have that power of deducement or you may have lost your mind, long ago. I know you've flirted with the edge but you are a survivalist. Be proud of that, ok?

Baby Steps


I know and would bet money that you want me to tell you to run to him, when you go home for Easter vacation. But I would love to tell you to keep yourself far away from him. Easter is coming and you are chomping at the bit, rightly so. You love this guy, this is clear. I know you want to better yourself and to rise above all this or you would not have bothered to write me a lengthy letter, which by the way, I am flattered that you asked me for my opinion.
I know what love is. I have loved and been loved. I have had that kind of love, where you look at them and it takes your breath away. I've also known the kind of love, if you want to call it that, where if he was in a bad mood, I tip toed around. He had the ability to crush me in every way. He also was able to take my good days and turn then to crap. Then, I'd set about pampering him and trying to make it right. I took it personal, as if I had to make it right. It was extremely unhealthy and I slipped into further mental illness and addiction just trying to shut it up. I couldn't fix him but boy did I try. I was one sick individual and when we argued because he had that bad day and he told me that I was an ugly bitch or worthless, I believed him. He was cruel to me and I played a victim and let him do this to me. Notice the word "let." I may have been whole or close to it when the relationship started but he reduced me to a fraction. I let him do this. I had to stop allowing him to use my weaknesses against me. I had to begin to look in the mirror and ask myself if I really was a worthless ugly bitch?
I looked in the mirror and I did not like what I saw because I did see a worthless ugly bitch. I cleaned that mirror and washed my face and mind and peered into again. What I saw was a woman who'd been playing a victim and allowing all my garbage to be worn all over me. People had to have seen it as clear as the black eyes, he'd given me more than a dozen times. I was able to get away from him but not before I'd looked in the mirror and was truthful with myself. It was only then that I was able to say, "Hey, you're not half bad. You are a good hearted person, witty, a good conversationalist and well rounded. You are loving and affectionate (which took some work), a good lover, wife, person and you have a lot to offer." I have never been egotistical but quite the opposite. But you must love yourself before you can love anyone else. You must be truthful with yourself, break it down and build it back up.

Your Answer

How bad do you want this? One of two things will happen, once you put on that *Bitch Belt. You will become stronger, you will become whole and you will be noteworthy. Your self-worth will be evident, your self-assurance will shine through.
Or?
You used Cody as a security blanket and as you grow into who you are, you will stand up, see yourself and be comfortable in your own skin. You will no longer need a security blanket or buffer from the world. You will stand up and state that you will no longer allow some loathsome creature to own you or your emotions. You will say that what was done to you by that Pedophile was in the past and you kick it to the curb. Take back you, G-friend. Stand up and face it, in your mind and stare it down. Out loud you say that you refuse to allow this to keep you down, not one more frigin minute. I want you to take in a huge breath, gather up all those nasty memories and blow them in the wind. If you get another memory or flashback, you do this every damn time and blow it all out, get it out and let it go. Take that hurt, pain, shame, guilt and anger and flush it. Take back you and continue to see your therapist.
OK, Easter vacation? After you have done all this, I know you'll want to call him. Feel it out. If you have done your homework, he'll feel it. When you call him and you don't sound like you are going to tax his emotions, he will know. He may feel it enough and offer to see you. If given the opportunity, you offer to possibly have coffee and you state that you would like to speak with him. If he says no, walk away, figuratively, dignity intact. It may not be time yet. Time heals all wounds, really it does. He may grow away from you but if it's meant to be, he'll sense the changes. If he agrees to meet with you, I want you to look your best, you know, fix your hair real nice, wear something, nice, not too provocative. But before you walk out that door, you put your "Bitch Belt" on.
Now, you hold your head up. You will not be that same woman, you know that girl who was raped and couldn't let it go or that needy, I can't live without you, you are my only existence, my entire world, girl. You will stand up, as a woman, with so much to offer, a beautiful diamond. Diamonds withstand the highest heat to obtain their brilliance. You are now a diamond and you will shine. You have gone through all this to arrive, a woman with value.
A true woman is one that is also capable of seeing when she was wrong. You must admit your part in this whole situation. You may have just pushed his buttons and he snapped, as you yourself said. You apologize for pushing him to that point. Now, here's the only reason I want you to see him...to apologize. If you do not have ulterior motives, you will not seem needy. No, you have gone to see him, to right a wrong. You owe him that. If you go with the needy, "We have to get back together," scenario, rooted as your motive, you need to stop right there. No, you must start with accountability for your actions. You are no longer a victim, placing all your pain and junk, all on his broad shoulders.
Go to the house or where ever you guys decide to meet, if he agrees. Do not touch him or try to hug him, unless he offers it. Even if he does, don't fall right in, keep some distance between you. You tell him that you have worked through things and you realize that you have not been fair and you are so sorry. You tell him that he did not deserve all that, he's a good guy and you never meant to hurt him or push him so far. Now, here's the important part, take note; if he has just listened to you and not said anything, which I encourage you to state you want to be heard, you apologize finally, stand as to walk out and extend your hand to shake it. It will be a sense of closure on that chapter. He will either take you in his arms or let you walk away. Do not plead and beg but walk away, if he does not seem interested or receptive. You have now planted a seed of a new you, a woman of the highest caliber. It may take all of your will power to walk away but you need to...unless, he pulls you to him, ok?

I can't guarantee, this will work to get him back but you will know where you stand. If you walk away because he let you, it will instantly be seen that you have not behaved as you did when he had you leave before, right? It will make him think, if he really loves you. If he does not love you and I truly wish for this to work for you, you will have walked away with your held high, done your part to make it right and not leave a bad taste in his mouth. You must then move on but you will have grown from it. Stand up, you are a diamond!




Definition of a Bitch and or Bitch Belt
*I want you to wear one of Aunt B's Bitch Belts. It is a figurative term I want you to take to heart. The kind of Bitch I'm talking about is not what some people think or understand. I'm talking about a new breed of woman/young woman, that is not passive and not aggressive. No, she is ASSERTIVE. In todays world, we've, as women, had to adapt and wear many hats, that of woman first, then wife and mother. I am not talking about feminist issues or "I am woman, hear me roar." But a woman who juggles all this and does it well, especially in the work place, is often called a "Bitch." I'm wearing that label like a designer pair of Jimmy Choo shoes or a Ann Taylor suit with a Dolce Gabbana purse. Get my drift? We're not putting out cause some guy thinks a date defines a sexual escapade. We're the new woman and we're standing proud. We're pedigree without the pretentiousness. The 2007 version of Bitch, says what she means, means what she says and tries to not say it too mean. She's a good woman who commands respect, owns her virtue and pursues happiness, not at any one else's expense. She states her needs and is reasonable, level headed and even keeled. She is fair and treats others as she wants to be treated. She also understands what a good man is; he's a fella that respects her as his equal, in all things. Just as she understands it takes two to tango, that a marriage is an equal partnership and endeavor and love is nurtured only by the best of friends, he embraces the physical differences between you. One can not function in all things without the other. This is new school and all bets are off. If you want to be successful in life, you'll stand by your values, not bend or break and you sure won't give into the sexual advances for the sake of a date.

This is a comment, I had given to a dear Sister in the same crisis. This aptly applies to you, too;
I think getting it off your chest is the first step and I see you are doing that. Now, the second is to remember,"Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord your God." I want you to begin a vigilant prayer, that God handle this situation. You ask him for strength and comfort. You ask him for wisdom to understand and to use it to help others, as you are trying to do. You will begin the healing once you can..."Let Go and Let God."
You do no good to yourself or anyone else with your anger. You allow him to have power over you still. You ask God to take away this animosity and you ask Him to do what you can not. Every single time you feel this anger, you must turn to God in prayer and ask Him to help you get through this and to help you let go of this anger. It is not healthy to be so angry in a situation where your hands are tied. It can and will eat you alive. Take back control of you, take back your power and then hand it to God. Every waking, angry moment, you get yourself into prayer, conversation with God. He will see you through the fire. I will also pray for you. I understand how you feel. I have been through it myself. There's not much else you can do than this, to break a spirit. Don't let this break you. Don't give him this. Let go and let God.



This is an Update from the author of the letter to me, her comment...

WOW.... wow! That's all I can say right now! Thank you so much for replying! Reading this has been such an awaking experience for me; even though so much has happened since the time I wrote this! OK so I'll start at the beginning:

I've gone to theraphy 3 times now; so much has come back to me. I lost years of my childhood that I absolutely don't remember, but things are coming back. I'm remembering more details about what happened. I know it's a little weird for me to say this but it makes me feel good. This person not only took my virginity from me but he tried to take more! I wanted to take my own life, twice. Once when I was 9 years old, and something told me to "STOP!". I had a razor against my wrist and something told me that there was someone who was struggling just as much as I was, and finding out more about Cody's childhood (he was beaten a lot as a kid) I think he was it. And the second time I was older, 16 I think. I was just so sick of being in my own skin. I was sick of beating myself up. I hated myself. I remember taking a bottle of Tylenole PM from under my mom's sink when my parents went out; I remember opening the bottle and taking two pills out, about to take out a third when Cody called me. He saved my life that night, and I never told him.

And even though I tried to believe him when he told me I was beautiful I didn't believe him; but now I do! I am beautiful, brave, intellegent- I am becoming everything I wanted myself to be. I'm not completly there yet but I'm on my way. I've also been doing a lot of praying. I gave myself to the Lord that day in church, I've been healing both mentally and spirtiually- and I have never felt better. All that hurt that I had, all those bad feelings about myself..... gone. I know that might sound a little werid, and honestly I was afraid to give myself to the Lord. I was afraid because I knew that if I did I would have to deal with the issue of my rape, and I didn't want too. I've never really had a close relationship with my Dad either, and going to church more has taught me that I associated my relationship with my own father with that of the heavenly Father. I've been giving so much to the Lord, and I've realized that the more I give- the more I get back.

And you know what? Thing have been coming together with Cody too! He's called me! We even went out for a run, and lunch too. He's been seeing change in me. We've talked more and more about religion, about God, and about the world around us. He starting to look at me the same way again. Even though I know we can only be friends right now... I know that as time passes its going to grow more and more into something else. Yes, our relationship with never be the same. It can't ever be the same: but it can be so much better, and I believe that. And I know he's scared that I'll turn into that dependancy monster- but that can't ever happen, I'm healing both sides of me. That scared girl who thought she was nothing is dead. I am strong, I am beautiful, and I am alive!

One day when I was praying, just having a quiet moment on my way back to my dorm I had this angel whisper: "Instead of trying to be the woman of Cody's dreams, why don't you become the woman of yours? You never know, it could be the same person!" I've been living by that ever since. It's been amazing!

I've begun to tell more people about what happened to me, and the more people I tell the more I'm finding out that the same thing happened to them. I actually wrote about it on myspace and I've had so many people tell me that they were shocked and so proud of me that I'm getting help. I found out that one of my best friends in elementary school experienced the same thing; and I never knew! She was always so happy! It just makes me so angry. And it's never going to stop. More and more children will be victimized. It sickens me!

Another thing that came to me when I was praying what I wanted to do with my life. I've always wanted to be a writer. Always, but I never had time to write. I took writing classes at school but when we had to write about myself, I couldn't. I've realized that God wants me to write about my story. It's going to be hard and a long process but I know on order to help people I have to do this. Church has opened my eyes even more to things I didn't realize. For instance... there's a saying in the Bible, something like what Satan uses for bad, God can turn into good, and I think writing about will help that. And if anyone wants to say that God doesn't exhist... look at me. I'm not supposed to be here. I survived something that was supposed to take me out, and I'm still here. I am still here. People may abandon me- but the Lord never will.

Speaking of which.... Easter. The more time that passes, the more I pray, I'm realizing it would be a good time to talk to him. The fact that he's been wanting to do more stuff with me I've realized that it would be okay to talk to him. But I must make sure and mention first that I don't want to kickstart our relationship because he's not ready for it and neither am I. I'm still learning more about myself. And the more I learn- the more I find out I'm a wonderful person. And as more time passes I've realized that yes, there could be another person out there for me. Even though Cody has answered so many prayers for me.... I've realized that there could be someone else. But at the same time God is telling me that this summer is going to be amazing for the both of us. Things aren't over between us, after 5 years- I mean come on! And no matter what happens I know that we'll still at least be friends, and I'll be absolutely golden no matter what happens. I don't know whats in store for my future, and honestly I'm not scared. But I know it's going to be amazing.... but summer... that I'll have to leave for another update!

Thank you so much again Aunt B. for your advice!

God Bless!

A******

Stand Tall

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Aunt B,
first off i think what you do is a very noble indeed. There should be more portals for humans to acquire guidance from the viewpoint of a complete stranger with much wisdom. For this i thank you.
I am 28 years old and have had caused some of the problems in my life for a reason that eludes me. My very first sexual experience is what determined my orientation when it came to sexual desire. This moment was fated to be shared with the same sex. It was a few years later, at the ripe age of 13 when i was awakened to the divine nature of the the opposite sex. For the rest of my childhood into adult hood i hardly thought of my first sexual encounter and instead choose to devout my time and imagination to the splendor that is the female. All my time was spent with my various girlfriends, our sex life was bustling and I had always felt completely relaxed and open with them. Then finally at the age of 22, without a girlfriend, I reacquainted my self with my gay side and began relations with other men. I decided to keep my preference from my loved ones and friends because i knew if they found out they would be heartbroken and disgusted with me. I felt this had to be kept in the closet. I also noticed that my persona around the men that i dated was all business. In other words the only thing i desired from them was sex, and nothing more. I always felt uncomfortable around them before and after the act so therefore never really got to know any of them. Things have been going this way for about 6 years until i started to become close again with a girl who was my best friend growing up. We have been hanging recently and things are very good, in fact it seems that our relationship could progress in to something more. I then realized it was essential to get a std test which i did with the test result coming back clean. It was about this time that one of my closest friends believed that i was gay and spread this rumor about me which would eventually inform everyone that i cared about. Even my mother hinted at it to which i replied that she was wrong and i always preferred woman. However all of my friend's were not so easy to convince, in fact each of my friendships have suffered a great deal while some of my closest allies have deserted me and we no longer talk. I feel like every time i hang out with a friend they show disrespect, anger and disgust towards me which in turns instills hatred towards them and then later, much pain and distress inside me which leaves me tired and melancholy. I am afraid the girl, my old friend who has just recently come back into my life will hear about these accusations and leave me. I don't want to admit that i am gay because it would ruin my chances of settling down with a woman and raising a family, something i look forward to doing so greatly. I have no idea how to get myself out of this mess. i want to date this girl, and i don't want to be thought as gay any longer by my friends. thanks for reading my serious dilemma.
sincerely
Fading Fast

~~~

Dear Fading Fast,

I appreciate your comment about doing this page, when actually; I am only trying to get into heaven, lol! Really, it is simply because I’ve been there, done that and learned. I am also very empathic but I simply want to give back. So, I do appreciate it, when I get recognition, such as yours. That is my reward and if you tell me, that I have helped you. I hope I can.

My Dear, it sounds like you are in a state, much like my own son went through. Yes, my son is gay. He had tried to be with women and it just didn’t work. I think he was and has always been torn, though. He loves and respects women but his attraction is with men. At the same time, a lot of gay relationships are not really relationships but encounters. But let me point out, that quite often this happens in hetero situations too. It’s just sex and hopefully, its safe sex. Speaking of, I’m glad you’ve been responsible and had yourself checked. I’m even happier that you came back clean. I am in contact with many gay men, who were not so fortunate. It only takes once and don’t you know every single one of them said the same thing, “I didn’t think it would happen to me,” and “Well, he didn’t look like he had AIDS/HIV?” I am quite sure you are aware of this, right? I just had to put my two cents in, when given the opportunity.

This world can be so very cruel, my friend. You have witnessed it, first hand, have you not? Because it is so brutal sometimes, let me tell you that if I could have turned off my sons gay tendencies, many, many years ago, I would have. Why? Because 20+ years ago, there was no tolerance, not like you have today. He suffered terribly. No Mom wants their child to go through the endless harassment or labeling that goes with the stigma of a gay lifestyle. But I have unconditional love for my son. He is also my best friend and if I had to pick only one person to be with on a deserted island, it would be him. We’d have to have music and munchies and we’d party the entire time and talk. We love each other. I was not always the best Mom but he forgave me and that is what it’s all about.

Let me make something clear; I believe in Monogamy. Why do I bring this up? Well, let me tell you…

The way we perceive the gay community is based on religion, is it not? I am not fond of deviance and there is a lot of deviance in both the gay and straight community. Of course, the straight community loves to point out the flaws in the gay community but I’m calling them both on the carpet. I do believe that God has a problem with deviant behavior, not the fact that you have gay tendencies. He created you. Does God make mistakes? I think not and he knows your heart. No, God has a problem with all people just looking for sex. There is no love in it and when it is done continually, it will blacken your soul. It can be an addiction just as bad as drugs. When you have behaved in a deviant manner, you don’t feel good, huh? How do I know this? I know this because I have behaved that way and I know it is wrong. I fight it off every day. Yes, I have a dark side, hell I’ve danced with the devil. If a wrong could be done, I did it. Now, I am trying to be a better person.

Here’s the difference; If you are looking for a relationship, whether it be gay or straight, it should not involve sex from the git-go. Sex and relationship are two different things. I think we all have approached it wrong. We go out on a Friday or Saturday night, hoping to get lucky. This is wrong. If we are looking to meet, fall in love and plan a life together, there’s not a damn thing wrong with that. Gay or straight, if you are looking for a relationship, a true love, a real monogamous life, I encourage it. I don’t think my God has any problem with this, either. My son is not going to hell because he is gay. I do not and will not believe this. He is in a loving relationship and doing well.

No, I have not become sidetracked here. I am laying the groundwork for what I have to say;

1. If you have behaved deviantly, ask your higher power for forgiveness.
2. If you are trying to have a good healthy relationship, I encourage it.
3. If you are ashamed of your past, stop it and after doing #1, I’ll point out that guilt doesn’t come from God, so where does it come from? Think about that.
4. Be true to yourself.
5. Stand tall and do not bow. No one person has the right to condemn you or judge you. If you are standing tall, you will not behave like a victim.
6. Are you giving off a victim vibe?
7. Your sexual preference, past, present or future, is nobody’s business.
8. If you are gay it’s nobody’s business.
9. If you behaved in a gay manner in the past or experimented, it is only your business. You owe no one an explanation, not even your family.
10. Be encouraged, I stand behind you. Anyone that cares about you will also accept you as you are, the others do not matter.

I want you to go to your Higher Power and speak to Him/Her, this is between the two of you and no one else. From that moment on, you answer to no one but your Higher Power. You stand tall. If you act effeminate and this is why you are targeted, you put yourself in an awareness of it and you try to articulate. It can be done, if you are aware of it. People have to polish themselves all the time. I had a very prominent Southern accent. After hearing myself on the radio, I chose to change that and articulate with awareness. People learn to speak in front of crowds and often are not born with these skills. Be aware and stop being a victim. I am not saying that you are but we do tend to allow ourselves to be victimized, do we not. But if you adapt an assertive, no nonsense, I will not take your judgmental bullshit anymore attitude, people will perceive you differently.

Life is perception. Whether or not we are accepted in life does have a lot to do with how independently we think and behave. Have you ever seen a kid being picked on in school? It is because he has shown a victims side and the bully sees it. Most bullies are the ones with the most to prove. We often perceived them as stronger between the passive or aggressive types. In all due reality, it is these people who have to point out others flaws to feel better about themselves. Do not be a passive person. I do not want you to be aggressive either but assertive. You take a stand in this world and say to anyone that confronts you about your “Gayness” that you don’t owe them a damn thing much less an explanation of your sexuality. You do not owe your own Mother that. You are a man and as long as you are trying to live right, you owe no one, NO ONE.

What is living right? Living right is when you have a relationship with your higher power, knowing that you answer to a higher authority. Do not be afraid. We all make mistakes, we all screw up we all sin. It is in our nature to sin, isn’t it? So, when we do but are trying to live right, we confess it, let it go and try to do our best. We go on with an attitude that we will do to others, what we want done to us. We won’t purposely hurt anyone and we will be accountable for our actions. We don’t try to get over or scam people at home, in life or in the workplace. We do not judge others or look down our noses. It’s so simple yet we complicate it all, now don’t we? It is not about being religious but becoming Spiritual and true to oneself. And that is all I want you to do; be true to yourself. You owe nothing, so stop giving or paying for what you do not owe.

Now, go on and be happy and fall in love and have a family. From this moment on, all your junk is handed off and there’s nothing to find, nothing to pay for and no one but your higher power to answer to. Stand tall.

Encouraging Words

Everyday life is not easy and living life on life's terms, is often hard. If you are stuck in addiction, seek help, don't let it kill you or your spirit. Drugs do kill, don't think it can't happen to you. Often times we feel we have no where to turn. One thing I learned through all my trials and tribulations, is that even when I felt I had no choice, I always did. I see that now. But when you feel the flames, all around you, it is often hard to see through the smoke. There are resources in every state across America, that will steer you in the right direction. You have to want it bad enough but getting clean, can be done. It may seem distant but it comes down to really wanting to change. You must be committed to changing and you have to seek it. You found addiction and getting clean will not look for you. No, you must look for it, find it and hold on. Start with your Yellow pages. Look up AA/NA meetings or Hotlines. Call you Department of Human Services or Mental Health. If you can't find anything, call your local hospital. Seek and you shall find. Remember...you do have choices! Love, Aunt B

Into The Fire, Again? Oh, Hell No!

This was sent to Aunt B via email...

Okay, I was engaged and living with a man. We split and I moved out. In the mean time we had been trying to work things out and salvage our relationship. I was under the impression that things were a little rocky but that we had actually made some progress. Then I find out from his room mate's girlfriend that he didn't come home one Friday night. She assumed he was at my house and when she realized he wasn't it was too late. So I basically told him that he could go &(^&* himself and he tried to lie about it. On top of that it was some old woman that works at the bar he plays pool at. So, he's been telling me that he made a mistake and wants another chance. Then I find out that he's going to that bar still to play pool. I'm not stupid, but he seems to think that he can go up there and I shouldn't have a problem with it. I know what I need to do, but I think I need someone else to actually tell me!

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I am so Old School, I built the damn thing, hahahaha! I think you came to the right place for this one and I'm gonna spell it out, just for him. Hold on a second, while I put my chaps, boots and motorcycle jacket back on, I feel the need!

I've been around the block and this ain't my first rodeo, ok? What adds to this twist, is I've lived through the exact or similar situation. My scenario happened in a Club my ex worked in, outside of D.C. He was the bouncer, at the door. There were always young girls, that would do just about anything to get in and apparently, they did. This was at a time, when we were knee deep in Heavy Metal and they had Live Bands playing. It was certainly a playground for anything and everything. I was very naive, back then, for even allowing(yes, I said allowing. I don't have to live with it, unless I allow it) my husband to work there. But girlfriend grew up and let me tell you what I learned.

There are different levels of trust, right? Most trust, you hand to your man, while some they must earn. Once they've taken that trust and then abused it, you are a damn dummy, if you just hand it back to them on a silver platter. So, to nip it in the bud...
I stand with you on this one.

I learned a lot, the hard way. I have mental and physical scars to prove it. I've lived an extremely hard life. But it was all for a reason and maybe, this website or even this letter to you, is that reason.

The way to keep from making yourself crazy or sick over all this, is rather simple. You must always flip the script and put things in terms your man will understand. It is based on the old adage, "What's good for the goose, is good for the gander." Put that "shoe on the other foot" for him. Ask him, how would he feel about you going out, by yourself, to the exact Bar, hanging out in a place, playing pool, at the place where you had slept with the Bartender? Would he trust you to go there, make eye contact with this guy, breathe the same air, ask him for a drink? I know, he would not like it. If he says he wouldn't mind, you tell me, I'll give you my phone number and you have him call me. Why? Because I want to call him a liar and I would, will, can and would most certainly enjoy it!

Never trust the man you love and sleep with, the one that tells you, he loves you and only you, to enter the Lioness Den. You are asking for trouble. Now, I am not saying that you can never trust him. I am saying you never hand it all to him, never be stupid, never be naive and never believe he will never fool around on you. If he has done it once, he may do it again. I'm not saying he will but short of threatening his very life, you just don't hand him, all of it, all at once. No, you put him on Parole. He's got to tell you where he's going and if he's not going to be back when he says he would, then he calls you and tells you. Hello, that's not controlling, that is common courtesy on his part. But the biggest part of your story here and now, is no, I don't think he could possibly think, you'd be understanding that he should be able to go back into that Bar, right now. It's not fair and it sucks for him to think anything different. There's got to be other Bars, he can frequent. What if the damn thing burned down? Tell him to pretend it burned down before you get any ideas, lol!

Your Answer

He can do whatever he wants, he's a big boy and you sure don't own him. But that doesn't mean you have to live with a crappy concept, right? You tell him that he has the right to do whatever floats his boat but that does not and will not mean you will tolerate it. He has hurt you, burned down the spot where you held your trust for him and his behavior and handed you the ashes. Now what? You want me to watch you go back into the fire? Even if his heart is pure, you have feelings and he needs to respect them and try to understand how he would feel if things were reversed. I think you are being reasonable and obviously, you love him, or you would have kicked him to the curb. He should appreciate that, alone. I've got your back on this one and you tell him, I said so! I like him though, you just need to put it all into perspective, terms he understands, ok?