Enabling?

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Hi Aunt B,

My name is Robert. My wife and I just moved back to Wichita, KS about 2 weeks ago. I am totally disabled from 3 failed back surgery's and have been on large doses of oxycontin and and actiq (fentanyl lozenges). We have had a problem with money disappearing for 6 years. I know it was my step-daughter but my wife would not admit to it and we did not have any actual proof that it was her, and she does not live with us. My step-daughter had come over yesterday to visit. My wife, step-daughter and I were heading out the back door to go swimming in our pool. My step-daughter was right behind us and went back in the house for about 5-10 minutes before coming out. She said that she had to go to the bathroom. Later that evening my wife was looking for a $10.00 bill that she had in her purse. Well it was not there and she got upset and suspected her daughter. When her daughter went to take a shower my wife got her daughters purse to see if she had taken it. But instead of finding her money she found a full day supply of my medication in her daughters purse. You would not believe how mad and upset I was. We always keep my meds locked up in a lock-box. My wife told my step-daughter the code to the lock-box a month ago, when she was visiting for the weekend, because she had forgotten to leave my meds out for me before she went to work. We would never had thought that she would ever take any since she has seen me without my medications, when an ambulance had to come take me to the hospital after being bed ridden for 4 days in very sever pain. One day supply without my medication will put me in the hospital. We counted the rest of my pain meds and discovered that I am short 3 full days of medication. My wife was so upset and could not believe her daughter did that. We need some advice of what we should do!! She says she does not have a drug problem. We cannot put her in rehab because she is 24 years old, I have already checked on that.

I know what I want to do to her but that would put me in jail. I am worried that this situation will end up causing a divorce and I do not want to lose my wife. My wife has always been too nice to her because her father was strict with her when they were still married. My step-daughter is very rude to everyone especially her mother. You would not believe how she talks to her mom and how she treats her. Every time she would leave our house and go back to Kansas, to her own house, my wife would cry and wish her daughter would never come back to visit. But after a week or two she would forget how bad her daughter treats her, and she would act like everything was ok. My step-daughter thinks only of herself and does not care if she hurts anyone by what she says or does to anyone, Do you have any advice on how we should deal with this situation??? We really need help on this, without leading to a divorce!!!!

PLEASE HELP US!!!!!!!!

Dear Robert, I must admit, this situation has to be upsetting. I am one who deals in pain and although I'm not on strong pain killers, if someone did take mine, I'd be fit to be tied. You have every right in the world to be upset, after all the trangression, was against you and ultimately, you will suffer for it.

The other side of the coin is that it's often hard for a Mom to face their child's dirt. It is often painful and we'd rather forgive and forget, maybe even look the other way. Then, in your anger at the situation, your wife would become a bit protective. It's natural and you must forgive her for it.

What's done is done but you must make some precautions, so it never happens again. Also, you know her capability, so you must be one step ahead. Put your money up, if she visits, lock up your meds with a different lock and you now know, she can't be trusted.

The biggest problem here, that I see, is if your wife, her Mother, does over look this and just let it go. If she does, she is doing a great disservice upon her daughter and may not even realize it.

It's called **"Enabling." When it comes to the destructive behavior of addiction, the people who care most for the addict/alcoholic, often, are the people who are most hurt by the addict. Unfortunately, the family member tries desperately to help the addict/alcoholic but end up making it easier for the addict/alcoholic to progress to the advanced stages of the addiction or alcoholism.

By sweeping it under the carpet, she is actually allowing the behavior or enabling. I realize you seek advice, to help understand this situation. An addict does things, they are not proud of, to get their way and in their minds, they will justify it. We, and I say we, because I am an addict with a devious track record but we tend to make excuses for our behavior and try to turn off our conscience.

Your step-daughter, I don't believe, did this out of malicious intent, she most likely did it figuring, well, you've got a boat load and won't miss it. But the fact remains, that just about everything we do, including what she did to you, has cause and effect, action and reaction. Now, you will either do without or have to go to the hospital because of intense pain. The other side of the matter is that if you are on such strong pain killers and you are used to taking them, your body will go into withdrawal with out them. Runny nose, coughing, diarrhea, stomach cramps from hell, shaking, anxiety, not to mention the heightened pain.

I do not think they, meaning your wife and step-daughter understand the importance of this to you. But in the event that they do, it is a necessary situation that needs to be addressed.

Tough Love

I think Mom needs to realize that she's got a problem on her hands, if she does not address this. People have been known to OD on someone else's drugs, especially if they do not take them as they were designed. She needs to be aware that, she must play hardball with her daughter and begin to plant seeds towards getting help.

All the want, on your part, in the world, can not get your step-daughter to see her way to help, until it suggested and she begins to see things as they really are. I suggest that you have your wife read this and the two of you, try to study up on addiction. It never gets better until we admit we have a problem. By telling her that what she did was wrong and standing up to it, planting that seed of, "Hey, you need to get help," is probably your only answer. It was illegal, for her to steal your meds. Make sure she knows that you could charge her for it. It may be your leverage for her to listen, to you.

**In literature, you may read, a reference to the alcoholic. Chemical Dependency is all the same and you may want to substitute, as you read, the word, "Alcoholic," to read, "Addict."


Guest Advisor, "Soulseer" said;

Here are some links that you can offer ,one is for the A&E show intervention.The other is a national database on how to go about an intervention.Obviously the girl has issues! I think you need to think like the girl,get into her head,so to speak ,use your empathy.Then think if you were her , what help would you maybe except. An intervention is probably the way to go ,although she would have to agree to going to rehab.I think she'll fight , but may realize how much her family TRULY cares.It's a touchy subject! They have to quit being victims , & find some way to resolve this. Starting with getting a new lock box for the meds,ya know.

The Mom needs to wake up , quit coddling her daughter.The fact that she's hurting the man who tries to be a father figure ,& suffers from debilitating pain , should show the mother ,the daughter is in need of some FORCED HelpBEFORE she has to hit"rock bottom".They truly need to quit being victims , they owe it to their spiritual ,& emotional well being.HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thats just my opinion ,& take on it.:)

http://www.aetv.com/intervention/index.jsp

http://nationalinterventionreferral.org/

Don't Be Bullied

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Hello Aunt B,

I am a 43 year old divorced dad with 2 children who I love dearly. Here is my problem. 3 years ago after finding out about an affair my wife was having, her and I split up and she moved in with her parents and she has lived there ever since. She has a large extended family, sisters, cousins and the house is always full with people. During our divorce we settled on shared physical custody. Unfortunately I do not see my children as much as I would like. Without sounding bitter, my children who are 9 and 5 have chosen to stay over at my ex's parents home quite a bit more often than what we drew up on paper. Basically they have more people to love and spoil them there than I have here. I know they love me but, I guess if I was a child I would stay where the grass seemed greener, but it hurts just the same. My ex receives a good chunk from me plus her own salary, but has yet to move out on her own. Tonight, just as many nights, I went to pick my children up only to learn that their mother was not there and the grandmother was watching them and the kids wanted to stay there. The bitterness over the affair has subsided, but not seeing my children is really getting to me. I don't really know if I am looking for advice or just someone to tell. If you have any wise words for me I would be glad to hear them...thank you...John

Dear Friend,

I would imagine, you have many, many emotions right now. You may feel dejected, ejected and rejected. I wouldn't blame you. Time does heal all wounds. Try not to blame or have resentment for the children. I believe you are trying to work through all this, logically but it still burns.

Your children are behaving quite typically, so do not be alarmed. Try not to take it personally, kids are like this and believe it or not can surely tend to be selfish. But they don't realize the ramifications, of their tendency to push you out.

I do encourage you to exercise your rights. If you were awarded visitation, you can be held in contempt, in many states for not exercising or adhering to the court order. That goes along with the fact that it may not be reinforced on their end, either. I guess the problem comes down to feeling like the bad guy, if you feel the need to force them?

This is a disparaging situation and if I were you, I would speak to your ex and inform her that she needs to make them aware, that you will become diligent when it comes to visitation. You let her know, that you want visitation and to have them ready. It is almost a self-esteem issue, for you to walk away and not refute the kids want to stay where they are. The court says that you Must exercise your right, not when Mom or the kids feel like visitation. The law is in place to protect you as well as your ex spouse and children. It is not a one-way law to be taken lightly or interpreted as the Mother or children deem suitable. So do it and state this is your intention. Once you get the kids out and away from their surroundings, they just might have a good time. Do not deny yourself, they are your children too. I am going to say this;

Quite often, the Father wants nothing to do with the kids. Statistics show, that they move on, more so than women, of course. Don't allow them to run over you. Stand by your rights and make them aware, even if you have to use the law on your side, that by not adhering to the court order, everyone who does not abide, can be held in contempt. Make them think, it's not gonna be you. In turn, you just might have a wonderful and fulfilling time and build upon the relationships with your children.

No matter what happened, with you and your ex, those children are still yours. Don't be bullied and stand your ground. You have the law on your side.

Remember...If the Path is Too Rocky...

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt Babz,

hi, my name is melody

I don't know, if you can solve my problem, but i really need your help.

I met a guy on the internet 4 years ago, we didn't talk to each other till 2 years ago. we started talking to each other 2 years ago, he lives in another country and we are too far from each other. after that, we got closer and we talk each other on the phone twice a week. we have same culture but the problem is we have different religion. i really liked this guy and after that he asked me to be his girl friend, i don't know why i told him yes, but i know this that i love him very much. He really loves me and we planed to see each other. I'm still talking to this guy but my family don't know about my realationship with him and i know if they find out they won't let me to talk to him anymore because of his religion. I'm christian and i respect my religion alot and he is muslim. right now he got 3rd job and he is busy and we talk to each other twice a month and i really don't like this. sometimes when i'm thinking that he doesn't care about me anymore. but i don't know. i want my boyfrined to be with me and right now i want to break up with him and have serious realtionship with a guy close to me. i couldn't find a guy to be respectful. what should i do? i really love that guy but when i'm thinking that i can't see him because of my family , i don't want to stay like that, i want to move on. he is very good guy and respectful, he loves me because of me not something else and that's the thing that i love about him. what should i do? can you help me? i hope you understand my situation. by the way I'm 20 years old and i'm going to university and i work everyday. and he is 22. so please please help me!

Dear Melody,

My advice would be very simple; Go on with your life and find happiness.

Somehow, I don't think it's that simple? But I do think you should have a cut-away plan. In all actuality, you have "a love," for this fella. Far be it from me, to down play, your feelings. But I want you to ask yourself, if it's possible, you've not had many dates or relationships and you've stayed where you are because you were in some kind of love?

Rarely, do that type of long distance relationships work. It is a bit unfortunate but if I had a remote control, that would turn off your emotions for him, I would do it. Certainly, it's not that simple and me telling you to move on, is not that simple either.

I suggest that you take a long hard look at this situation and what your view or take on happiness and love is? Somehow, I don't think you'd name your relationship, as ideal.

Be honest and tell this fella that you want a time apart, if you are able. Begin to date again. If you have the same faith as your family, I suggest that you pray for God to make the match. In your faith, Let Go & Let God.

Remember...if the path is too rocky, make sure you're not going down the wrong path.

Things have been a challenge from the start. I think you should give yourself a chance to meet someone here and possibly of the same faith. The Muslim faith is quite stringent and it may be quite difficult for you to adapt and stand behind your man(husband) if you do not share the same faith.

These are things, I know you've considered. I have faith, you will find love again and you will find happiness, if you allow yourself.

Revisited; Zero Tolerance for Violence

This was sent to Aunt babz via email...

My little brother is 12 and im almost 14...Sometimes he is realy nice but most of the time he is a monster! He hurts emotianly and physically. He always calls me a hoe or bitch. He also pulls hair, punches, kicks etc. The latest one was when he pushed me in the head lightly i pushed his head lightly back and he goes and attacks me choking me. he let go thank goodness, but im scared one of these times he isnt going to let go...i told my mom about it and she said she would talk to my brother but im scared it still wont work. i have been having nightmares about him killing me and he gets SO violent over little things. Its at a point were i avoid him at all costs...i cant stand him and i want to leave. im not going to call the police...i cant..well i can but i wont....its just i dont know what to do....can you please help...o and can you keep my anonymous..thanks

Dear Anonymous,

I take it, you read this post, from the girl, who was going through a similar situation/ problem. Your story sounds the same. I do suggest you read it and take from it what you can. It's called, "Zero Tolerance for Violence."

I guess it all comes down to what you are willing to do, to remedy and heal from this situation. There is no magic here. If you can, have your Mom read this and the other post. The post, Zero Tolerance for Violence, shows the importance of a parent to squash this situation before it gets out of hand, on a legal realm. This scenario, is chock full of possibility for future problems, not to mention, the emotional scars, you obviously, already bear.

I do think, the threat of violence must be met head on. It is not something to play with and may only foster further problems for you and your brother. This is a serious issue and if I were you, I'd make sure Mom reads, at least the other post...hint...hint.

Once she has read that post, you two must talk. You've got to tell her how this affecting you. It's quite possible that she doesn't realize just how scared you are, that you're having nightmares or the magnitude of the situation. After all, this may be your brother but it is her son and she is accountable and responsible to make sure you are safe and hopefully, no further psychological damage is done.

I think it's real important for Mom to read this. I don't know you, so no harm is done to your family name, so I don't see why she would get upset with you for looking for advice, for something that scares the heck out of you. Mom just doesn't see it and how it's affecting you. If she knew, I'm quite sure, she'd do something. So, what is that something, she might do?

It is my suggestion, that she get you both into counseling. It's real important for Mom to understand the difference between healthy sibling rivalry, wrestling and so on. But when it comes to actual violence, the line needs to be drawn. Counseling is probably, the very best thing, that can be done. Deal with it now or let the jail officials deal with it later. Yes, that sounds harsh but it is a reality.

Furthermore, you stated that your brother pushed you, "Lightly," in the head. You responded by pushing him, lightly, back. I suggest keeping your distance and do not feed into anything. Do not make things worse, understand? If he pushes, hits, pulls your hair or even touches you, in an assaultive manner, you tell him, you are going to call the police. See, you might not want to do it and you may never do it but you can say it and make him aware that it is in fact illegal for him to do the things he's been doing. Mom needs to sit him down and make him aware that it is illegal. Kids go to Juvenile Detention centers every day for assault and she needs to ask him, if that's where he would like to go?

Bountiful Beautiful Boundaries

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Hi B,
I got the sense reading your site that you might have something interesting to say about the following situation. If you do, I'd really love to hear it 'cause I'm right stuck trying to figure it out.

Cheers!

This is kind of a complex problem, I'll attempt to be as concise as possible.

My problem is in the way that I communicate myself to people I have just met. I seem to give off some kind of vibe that suggests that I want to get really close to people really fast. This happens with both men and women and I have a long history of it. It's much worse with men because of the obvious sexual aspect. Suddenly people I've just met are telling me intimate details of their lives and acting like we're life-long friends, or worse some guy I've just met figures he can start touching me or even directly asking me to sleep with him! After only an hour or so conversation! It's not everyone I meet of course, but it happens a lot-they don't seem to get that I want relationships (platonic and otherwise) to proceed at a sane pace. What's even worse is that when a misunderstanding occurs I feel awful about it and am loathe to embarrass them, so I end up playing along until I can find a way to physically escape the encounter, then I dread bumping into them. It makes me feel sneaky and dishonest.

I've given it a lot of thought and I can't seem to pinpoint an exact cause, this is what I know:

I do not dress provocatively and I am very careful not to exhibit sexually suggestive body language.
My looks are about average, nobody's attracted to my stunning beauty.
I am a very respectful and polite communicator; always wanting people to feel at ease I am careful to listen and to not give offense, I try to show empathy to their points of view. I never put people down, I smile and accept others. When I express opposing view points I do it gently. I'm willing to discuss pretty much anything (but obviously not a lot of personal details about myself early on)
I apply a lot of social lubricant-filling silences before they become uncomfortable, telling funny stories, trying to include everyone present, that kind of thing. Also I'm enthusiastic, so I talk animatedly and smile a lot.

I am happy that people feel at ease and want to open up to me, it makes meeting people a lot easier. Also I am a writer and there's a lot of inspiration to be had by meeting people and talking to them, I really enjoy it. BUT somehow it ends up being more than a casual conversation and they start having expectations of me that I didn't agree to. AND because I don't want to hurt people's feelings or embarrass them, when I know it's gone too far I have trouble setting the record straight. Of course I could say "HEY! BACK THE HELL OFF!", but it's not my style and I'd feel just awful watching their reactions. The way things are though, people get hurt and disappointed anyway (when I book-it out of there), and any possibility of a mutual relationship with these people is lost.

Finally, it's bad enough on an average day, but I'm travelling alone in SE Asia, meeting people all the time, and cultural differences are a big part of it. I find that here NONE of my subtle hints (not holding a eye contact that is too intimate, slightly pulling away if a person gets too close, etc...) work at all and it's happening more than ever! Add to that a need to show proper respect as a visitor and I feel totally stuck! It potentially puts me at risk, AND gets in the way of making personal contacts.

SO how do I project an expectation of personal space without being rude and without giving up the chance to have great conversations; and once a misunderstanding has occurred, how do I diffuse the situation without making people uncomfortable? I'd really love to hear to hear your insights on the situation.

Thank you so much for your help B,
Girlaboutglobe, Canadian, 27

Dear Girlaboutglobe,

There was a time, when I went through the exact same thing. I was the one people chose to confess their deepest darkest secrets to, still am, in that respect but I don't get hit on, like I used to. Doggonnit. But I have the persona, where people feel the need to tell it all, give it all and often touch all.

I did not grow up in a touchy, feely family. When I used to go to AA/NA meetings, people were always hugging and we had to hold hands. I would cringe and have a bit of anxiety, as I am not like that and I'm not comfortable, or at least I wasn't.

It's all called "Boundary" issues. Some of us have no boundaries, good or bad. Some of us have issues and have extensive boundaries.

Boundaries can be interpreted in many different ways. It can be issues of how we interact with others, in a physical way or how we communicate. An example of this, is my approach to life. I have few boundaries, when it comes to spitting things out. Some times, I do it for shock value, sometimes, I do it or say something, to make my point. Most often, it is because I am not Politically Correct and I speak the truth, even if it makes you cringe.

Another form of boundaries, might be, what and how you share with family or friends, new friends, associates and so on. To explain this, I will use my own relationship with my sons. We have very few boundaries, when communicating. Most people would either die laughing or curl up in a little ball, from just one exchange between myself and any one of my sons. We talk about everything, they tell me everything and there's only real graphic detail, that I am spared. In example, my youngest, we fondly call, "Johnny Appleseed," or "Romeo" will tell me of his sexual escapades like he might a buddy. He told me about going to a strip club, in Chicago about a month ago. He'd gone home with four of the strippers. Curious as to what had happened, he told me that , No, he'd not slept with them but all four had danced around their apartment naked and a couple had given him a lap dance. He told me this beaming with pride and prowess, as he usually does, when it comes to conquering the women.

My middle son and I were just talking about, he and his wife and her, "No butt lovin' rule." He likes to kid her and pretend like she's not fulfilling her husbands needs by denying him, kiddingly, tattle taled to me on the phone. She was giggling, like a school girl, in the background. Of course, I defended her, hahaha!

My oldest son, who happens to be Gay, had told me a tale of his adventures in a NYC Club and without elaborating, it was, well, I did learn several things, I had no idea about, we'll leave it at that.

If I were to repeat some of the things, you might even cringe. I do not have a lot of boundaries, when it comes to my sons, as you see and it often , is the same rule with people I speak with, friends and even on this site. I do get letters, some rather explicit, that I answer but do not publish. I do answer them though, that is my rule. So, the point of this, is that imaginary boundary line.

Here is a list of, so called healthy and unhealthy boundaries. I do not and can not agree with them all, on either spectrum but I do say, he has a good compilation.

So, boundaries can be either physical, emotional or the way we communicate. One thing, you may want to do is put on my Bitch Belt. You must begin to wear it, figuratively and begin to envision yourself with boundaries. Thus far, people can't see it or feel it, possibly, more so with the guys.

Believe it or not, I think we are more instinctual, intuitive and all about reading body language and vibes, than we understand. I think most of us, don't realize just how much, all this comes into play, in our every day lives and interactions with people. So far, my assumption, is that you have been somewhat passive-aggressive and I don't mean this, so much, in the clinical aspect, the psychology of it. What I am referring to is the premise of boundaries and setting them, wearing them and understanding them.

Quite often, guys especially, tend to view a chick that is really friendly, as a target. Thus, the need for the Bitch Belt. You must become an assertive woman, inside and it will permeate, then, on the outside. If you have self-esteem issues, this does and can play an integral part within the scope of boundary issues and establishing healthy boundaries, within the scope of friendships and intimacy.

Begin by being honest with yourself. Look in the mirror and examine who you are, do what you can to improve, even if it's a smile. Accept who you are and look for contentment within yourself. What I mean by this is, you must be happy with yourself, no matter what. Yes, we must always strive to improve ourselves, whether it is academically, intellectually or in the aspect of heath matters. But we can not change who we ultimately are. We can improve it and then accept it, can't we?

So, begin to look at who you are, improve what you can, strive to be all you can and acceptance of you, is the key. Once you've accepted yourself, you will not feel the need to please or lose. Being able to say no, if you are uncomfortable is paramount. Wearing the persona of an assertive woman will place you in this position.

Proceed With Caution

This was sent to Aunt babz via email...

Hi Aunt B,

Hi my name is Angel and i need some advice but don't have anyone to ask, i have this boyfriend for 2 years and during these 2 years he was living with an ex girlfriend and his three kids. i finally got the courage to dump him this morning and he left but came back an hour later crying because he told his ex that he loved me and he did not love her anymore and she was leaving with kids, but before this a lot of stuff has happened about 4 months ago i turned 21 and we had a cook out and then we were all suppose to go out to bar but he did not show up so i dance with my friends and he got mad at me the next day and i told him it was his own fault, but then later we worked it all out, but then at work one of my guy friends tells my dad who works with me as well that the reason he did not go to the bar because he went to another friends house to hang with some girls. i confronted him about this and he said that he did go but just to drop something off and went home, but then he went to my guy friend and ask why they would say something like that you know that he loves me so much it hurts and how he is leaving everything for me(his 3 kids)but he found out who said it and it was my friend Pete, well the they got to a fist fight and i got mad and said why you fighting with my friend over something you started and thats when i broke up with him but every thing worked itself out but my boyfriend doesn't want me to even say hi to Pete but i have been talking to him but without my boyfriend knowing but today he caught me talking to him and he got mad at me and now he say he is going to break up with me, but there is only one way that he will forgive if i get rid of my dog and move in with him, i do love him a lot as well as the dog she is part of my family he never did like the dog i not sure what to do i mean i do have my parents that said they will take the dog and i could always go back to my life if it doesn't work out, i mean we had all these plans i was suppose to go to Texas in August to meet his parents and family, oh and by the way if i leave him i would have to find another job because he is my line leader. well please if you can give me some advice

Dear Angel,

It doesn't sit real well with me, him telling you that you can't speak to Pete and then breaking up with you, over it. I have a lot of questions, concerning his motive, for fist fighting with Pete, as well?

None of this sits well with me. I mean, in one way, you may be flattered, that he insists that you move in. You may also, like the fact that he went to battle, well, I'm sure you have mixed emotions about that, considering it was your friend. But in all due reality, he has no right to forbid you, not to speak with your friend. I can understand him, not wanting you to speak with him. I could also understand him, relaying his distaste for you speaking with him but it sounds a bit controlling.

I don't know why he would tell you, that you can't have your dog but he sure sounds demanding, possessive and controlling. Proceed with caution.

If he is willing to place such demands upon you, in order to continue the relationship and you allow it, to appease him, he may take it to the next level and begin to tell you who you can and can not be friends with. He may further try to isolate you from family. Proceed with caution.

For some reason, I don't have a real good feeling about this. I understand that he made sacrifices, in order for you two to be together but to demand that you move in, is again, extremely controlling.

If you choose to move in and try to make this work, be aware of the potential for his ability to be controlling. It's one thing to do something because you want to as love is never forced, coerced or controlled. But never allow someone, no matter what, to place demands upon you, that you are not comfortable with. Inviting you to live with him, is one thing but a rush to move in, could be inviting disaster. For him to place emphasis on the fact that you must move in with him or else, well, I'd like you to look at this. Proceed with caution.

The other thing I want you to look at, is the fact that he was living with someone else and conducting business with you. It was supposedly his ex, right? Yet, he tries to make himself look like a Martyr for the cause by leaving her. Are you certain, she was completely the "EX?" The second question is this; will he do the same thing to you? Will he get bored with you, start seeing someone else and call you the "ex?" Never think, if he's behaved a certain way to someone else, that he won't do it for you or to you. It can be a trademark behavior. I may be wrong about this but damn if I don't feel like he's a semi-pro player. Proceed with Caution!

If I am wrong about all this, I sure welcome you, setting me straight. I am not accusing, I am only trying to make you see possibility. I want you to go into this with both eyes wide open. I wish you the best.

A Fatal Attraction???

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Can you please help me get over my ex boyfriend the father of my three year old son, we’ve been seeing each other for nearly 5 years and every time we brake up then make up, and tired of talking to him about the something over and over again, and when I talk about my feelings he keeps telling me I feel sorry for myself I really love him but I'm not shore he feels the same about me he said he loves me but I don’t feel it. I don’t know what should I do, do what I always do ask him back, but the I feel stupid if I do that, cause I know its going happen again and again, but its like when we brake up we cant stay away from each other we keep in come back to each other. But I think I'm getting really tired of this. And in the past his ex girlfriend was always in the picture I couldn’t get her out of my head when he leaves then I think his going to her, or I blame him for everything is it because I cheated on him twice and he took me back both times is it that, that’s making me feel insecure. Please help me cause already tried to commit suicide over him. And the first time I father saw him he told me to stay away from him and my father never knew how he was that was the day I met him.

Please help me.

Dear Friend,

Don't I know this kind of love. It really sucks. At times, you wish you'd never met them, other times, they take your breath away.

I don't know all the components, that are the mechanism of this relationship. I don't know what keeps it going and then breaks it up again. It may very well be, exactly what mine was; A Fatal Attraction.

I can't guess, what you are going through but if you have felt so much passion about him to the point of Suicide, I hope you recognize the fact that he's making you crazy. Been there myself. One side of me wanted nothing to do with him. The other side, didn't want and couldn't stand the thought of him being with anyone else. Thus, I stayed in a miserable relationship. I became sicker and sicker with each passing day. I was doing it all to myself, just as you are.

First, I'll suggest counseling. Therapy sessions can be very productive. The therapist often plays devils advocate and let's you know, if your feelings are really conducive to your well being. They may also walk you through solutions. Before this eats you alive, I'd see about speaking with someone. They've made it real easy, to get help. Look in your Yellow Pages for Mental Health locations, near you.

If you can't see your way, to doing this, counseling, I suggest that you busy yourself to a point of not being able to think. I mean, doing things to keep him off your mind. The more time, you are able to go without, the more healing you will have. Time heals all wounds but you've got to pull out an arsenal to sabotage yourself. Engage yourself, more with your son, do things and surround yourself with his presence. What I mean, is that, if you are in turmoil, children can feel it. If you are always unhappy, children can feel it. So, take this time, to spend it with your son and concentrate on only him and possibly a hobby or interest. Look for joy and humor. Your homework is to search for your laughter again.

It is not my intention to lay a guilt trip on you but because of all this, have you really given your son, your all? Concentrate on him, right now. If you do this and place him above all else, you'll be too busy, hopefully, to think of your longing for his Father.

I could also suggest, that you both go to counseling. Somehow, I don't see him doing it but it doesn't hurt to say so or even for you to mention it.

You must realize that you won your choices. You must own your decisions too. It's not easy to get over somebody and a bad relationship, especially if you believe you love them. But it's time for a change and it's time for you to be selfish and think about you and your son. You have a right to be happy, didn't you know this?

Try to stay away from him, for a while. If you must interact, try to be quite and concise, to the point and own the situation. Do not look into his eyes and do not allow yourself, to entertain, this notion of what could be. I say all this, only if you've made up your mind, you want to get over him.

So, keep busy, own your choices, seek counseling and above all...be good to yourself. If you are good to yourself, in turn, you'll be a better Mommy to that mischievous little man; your three year old son.

I am here, if you need me. I'm just an email away.

Drowning

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt B,

Hi there!well im a new member to your site(dellez75p)and i love it!Ok well here it is,i met a wonderful woman last February on a dating site on the internet..i quit drinking a month earlier,so she knew i was alcoholic and i attended A.A.meeting's.She has 2 kids 1 boy was 11 the other daughter7 and they are both by 2 different fathers and well she had lost her youngest was like 2 and he was by a different father so..im tryin to make this short,on her dating site when i first met her it said(i also like sex?)And at first i was like go your own way but she tried to explain what it was,2 weeks knowing her and not even meeting her she wanted me to come to her trailer and stay the night.i said NO and because you don't know me and haven't even met me yet so i just don't feel comfortable without meeting her.so we met and fell in love;well i did and she said she was but..and so around mothers day my mother passed away and she was really like the only support i had in my life.so i moved with her and we rented a house together and i got a decent job,she was working for her brother but there was a new guy who started working for her brother but was engaged.i stayed sober and we were together about 7 months and everything was great although she was Mentally Ill Chemically dependant a MICA same as me.and she wanted to hang at her brothers a lot while they had parties(he owned his own business and she was his secretary..i worked 12 hour shifts..and so she had told me she was CO-Dependant and that she was molested by her father when she was 16.Then one night towards the end she lied said she had an appointment for schooling and they called and wondered where she was?,so i asked her and she lied and said she went to the appointment so to make this short,she was very lazy with house chores,was in debt,had a lot of mental issue's,,but i fell in love with her and when it ended she was on the internet 1 month later on a dating site saying she wants friends with benefits..(really sex partner's)so i have so much anger towards her i can't shake it,but i do miss the kids muchly..did i do the right thing by leaving?and i did relapse after i left and well I'm back on track now but she called me a drunk when i talked to her??please give me advice on moving on from this pain because she was my world but i just don't feel she loved me?

Dear Friend,

You know I'm an Addict in Recovery, don't you? So, I do understand, the hell you're going through. But it does and will get better. As they say,
"It works if you work it."

I want you to realize that, us addicts are survivalists. We're also extremely caring people, deep thinkers and quite often empathic. But we're also liars. We lie to ourselves about our addiction, what we do to facilitate our addictions, our relationships and so on.

I can't tell you that you've lied to yourself about this woman but I can tell you, that red flags should have gone up but you ignored them. I can't say that you don't love this woman but I can say that you are in a vulnerable stage of your recovery and will do and endure just about anything, not to feel like shit, as you have, when you don't drink. In a way, she replaced the alcohol, in your addiction.She made you feel something, in a time when you felt null and void.

Back to Being Liars.

Because we are survivalists, we will endure so much and shrug it off, look the other way, pretend it's not what it really is and often times, we are blinded. In our minds, we'll paint a picture, all rosey and sweet, when it's really likened to a cow chip. We are famous for this. We may even believe that drinking is our answer, just like you believe that this woman is your answer. Once again, you've lied to yourself. I am a liar too, so don't think I'm throwing stones or looking down my nose at you. Nope, it takes one to know one, doesn't it?

Addictions a tricky bitch, let me tell you. I'll give you an example;

When you drink, every single time, there are consequences, every time. You may not see them, right off but I could make a list. Every time you drink, you act like an asshole, you become someone that is not really you. When you go past that point, from being a little tipsy, to becoming drunk, it's no longer fun, it's no longer a game and I'd be willing to bet, if you saw a video, of yourself, drunk and stumbling, it'd break your heart and certainly challenge your pride. That is not you, I know this. That guy, who makes a fool of himself, is not you. No, there was a time, when you were always in control and you stood erect and with a sense of dignity. People commented about what a stand-up guy you were, how hard you worked, how they could count on you, if no one else. In many ways, they still can but if you keep drinking, you can flush all that down the toilet.

Right now, you're a functioning alcoholic(I'm speaking of when you are or were using) but give it another year and you'll stop caring. You'll feel so rotten in the morning, you'll have to drink, just to get right. You'll keep drinking to stay right and you can never predict, which drink, which swig, will send you over the edge. Next thing you know, you've lost your job and friends, girlfriend and everything because you just could not deny yourself. You had to drink, just to function. The lie in it all is right here, right now, you feel like you need a drink to make it all go away, to make the world right, to make it stop tilting. I know, the rational side says that's not how you feel. But I'd bet my butt, when you're feeling weak, you're feeling that need, the call of the wild.

The lie in it all, is when we tell ourselves that we need it, deserve it and want it. Take the time to read, from this post...

*The Great American Myth; The Drinking Male™

The only reason, you've quit drinking, is simply because there must've been some consequence, to it. Otherwise, you'd drink and drink till you couldn't drink anymore. We train ourselves to think of it as an answer and we over look all the bad things about it. Go ahead and name me, one good thing, that came from drinking? I'd bet, you could make a whole list of bad though, huh?

It's the same, with this woman; you've tried to over look all the bad. She also made you feel good at a bad time in your life. You were extremely vulnerable, grasping for good feelings. You may have also, felt the proverbial, "*Pink Cloud," effect. I've given you an excerpt from a writing below but my feeling, is not quite the same. The way I see it is, it's easy to feel all giddy and hyped from meetings, readings, the Bible and delving into the good things, readings and so on. We must draw on positive thinking, that much is true. But there's so much more to it. **A word about slips,(see below) is important because it shows how this Pink Cloud feeling can fool us into thinking all is well with our addiction and we mastered it. But something happens, possibly out of the ordinary and we feel the need to resort to old ways of dealing.

You can't walk away from a meeting and think you've done your part, in changing yourself. My meaning is this; It took you years of conformity, to get where you are and it takes years to change those thoughts, reasoning, feelings and behaviors. Behavioral modification and a continuing emphasis on meetings, is the answer. But that starts in a simplistic way; Being truthful with yourself. Seeing things as they really are and putting things into perspective. Most of all, you must be good to yourself. For the first time, in your life, you must become selfish, in the sense that you think in a singular way. In the same self-preservationist way, you must think only of yourself and concentrate, only on you. You can't change your ways, over night. It took you, years to become who you are. Thus, it must become a study of yourself.

Most of us, want what we want, when we want it, right? We want recover now. We want our lives to be exact, right now. We want a normal life, now. We want to play house, right now. But we don't want to work to get it right.

I hated meetings about as much as I hate exercise. But I always came away with something, if I choose to get something from it. Notice the word choose. I also had to choose to go the distance, to get clean and stay clean.

I went to Prison for 3 1/2 years because of my addictions. I chose to learn from the situation. Then, I chose not to go back to the same ol' same ol', when I got out. I knew that I'd fall back into the same bullshit, if I went around the same people, mainly my husband. So, I did not go home. That would have been the easy way out but it would have been the worst thing I could have done. I had to choose the rough and rocky road, in order to change "People, Places and Things." It is self-preservation. I had to be selfish and think only of myself. You must do the same. Truly, you will continue to be half a man, until you get some clean time under your belt. Yes, I said, "Half a man," and who will you be good for, as a fraction? You must gain strength, within yourself. You must gain perspective and understanding of your addiction and what it is that spurs you on. What are you running from, what are you trying to shut up? These are questions, you must answer for yourself. Then, you may go onto a healthy relationship. If you stay as you are, you will, still see the world with old clouded eyes. It is not easy to stay clean but we do it or I did it, one minute at a time.

So, how does all this apply to you? I think you over looked the signs of an unhealthy relationship. On one hand, you saw it as it is, on the other, you're telling yourself, that you miss it and her. You over looked the fact that the door hadn't even hit her in the ass and she'd already placed herself on a dating site. We're also very forgiving people, you are a very forgiving person, this is evident. Now, I'm not telling you to hold a grudge and not to be forgiving. But God don't like ugly and he has an aversion for stupidity, so I tell myself. Don't be stupid and tell yourself that you are missing out on a good thing. You've done the same thing, concerning your drinking and you feel deprived and resentful. Give it up, let go and let God. Let go of that resentment for the fact that you had to stop drinking and it will free your soul. Let go of the resentment for the fact that this relationship didn't work. Stop questioning this and that about it. Let it go and concentrate on yourself and your recovery.

Have you ever seen someone drowning? I was Advanced Lifeguard Certified, years and years ago. We'd seen training films and they showed us what happens, when someone is drowning. The person goes into a panic state and they will fight. They will try to pull you down, even though you are trying to help. If you are not strong, in and of yourself and don't know exactly what you are doing, they will pull you down and you will both drown. This is what was happening, in your relationship. You must have the capacity to see through things and be strong, on your own, know how to deal and so on, if you are to survive yourself. To keep from drowning, you must get in shape, study the situation because your very life depends on it. She may be sober but she's not clean and she's drowning. She'll take you down.

We must all get clean, on our own, in our own right, on our own terms and we must choose to be clean. Nine years ago, I chose to get clean. It was not easy as I loved it more than any lover, more than anything imaginable. But it was all a lie and there was no magic. I realized that, the kind of person, I was attracted to, was this addictive type, an outlaw, a bad boy. Knowing this, I realized that if I were to get into a relationship, I'd fall back into old habits. It's so easy to do, it's what I know, ingrained within me. The lifestyle, I had lived was ingrained in me and my thinking was that of a woman who loved to go bar hopping and drink and drug. If I was to get away from it all, I had to stop resenting, the fact that I gave it up because of the consequences and see it for the box of shit, it really was. You must also do the same, see it for what it really is, be truthful with yourself about your life, your thinking and everything in general. You must see that relationship for exactly what it was...or drown.

Excerpt from Welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous...

A word about "slips"

Most people who turn to A.A. for help achieve sobriety without too much difficulty, and continue to stay sober. Others have trouble understanding and accepting the A.A. program. All too soon, they forget what being an alcoholic means. After their physical health returns and their lives become a little more manageable, they may drift away from the program ﾗ either mentally, by forgetting its principles, or physically, by going to fewer meetings. These people may have one or more relapses or "slips." They may get drunk again. This can be discouraging ﾗ and very painful for loved ones. Fears and feelings of hopelessness may be reawakened. But experienced A.A. members know that such slips are not necessarily repeated in the future. If the alcoholic can honestly review the kind of thinking and behavior that preceded the slip, its recurrence can often be prevented. In fact, a slip can serve as a valuable lesson for alcoholics who believe that they have been "cured" of alcoholism merely because they have been dry for a while.

Overconfidence and unrealistic thinking sometimes result in slips. Judgment becomes fuzzy, and some alcoholics begin to believe that they can now control alcohol. They may go to fewer and fewer meetings, or they may begin to criticize the people in their group, losing sight of the A.A. tradition that the alcoholic should always put the principles of the program before the personalities of its members. Or it may be that the alcoholic forgot to live life one day at a time.

Of basic importance are three frequently used A.A. slogans: "First Things First," "Live and Let Live," and "Easy Does It." These are useful reminders that alcoholics are staying away from drinking one day at a time and that they are striving toward open-mindedness and serenity.

I think Glenn C. from the AA History Lovers Group at Yahoo! has explained it extremely well and I’d like to relate his words to you.

In American slang back then, when you said that someone was “on a pink cloud,” you meant that the person was in a state of temporary artificial euphoria. Being “on a pink cloud” meant that you had turned off all of your critical faculties and were temporarily living in this marvelous fantasy world where nothing ever went wrong or could go wrong.

If you went out on a date with some guy, and came back feeling all romantic and starry eyed, and convinced that you had found “Mr. Wonderful,” one of your friends might laugh and say, “well, you’re on a pink cloud now, but wait and see what the guy looks like after a month or two of going out with him on a steady basis. Wait and find out how much you end up seeing him after football season starts in a couple of weeks!”

Being “on a pink cloud” meant that you were living in a dream world, as opposed to living in the real, everyday world.

It is easy to work ourselves up into a temporary “pink cloud” by reading spiritual books that talk about loving all humanity, or “feeling one with the all,” or loving Jesus, or by standing around reciting the responsibility pledge with our eyes all starry. And there are people who try to work the AA program by hyping themselves up in that way, without doing a single thing to change their basic character, or to change their ways of actually behaving in everyday life.

CHANGED BY GRACE is the mark of true twelve step spiritual progress. Real “life changing” as the Oxford Group put it. We have to start working on using the power of grace (freely given to us for our use) to heal all of our character defects.

These are the character defects which make us angry all the time, have us attacking other people all the time and trying to bully other people into doing things our way, criticizing everybody else in the program and starting arguments all the time, refusing to help out on washing dishes, moving chairs and tables, shoveling snow, going to the grocery store to get milk or a loaf of bread. When we begin real spiritual growth, we start to heal these character defects, and then we start actually treating other people differently in all phases of our ordinary everyday life.

I’ve seen people spend years trying to artificially hype themselves up onto a pink cloud by reading the Bible (or the Torah or the Koran), talking all the time about Jesus (or Moses or Mohammed or Buddha), or reciting the Four Absolutes with pious looks on their faces. The message of this story in the Big Book was that these things are NOT good things to do, if the only reason why we are doing them, is to artificially put ourselves into a temporary “pink cloud” euphoria.

Or to put it all in five simple words, “faith without works is dead.”

Party Pooper

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Hi Aunt B,

My name is Talya and i really need some advice and your opinion on something that has me really confused.about a month ago i reconnected with a fella i use to go to school with about 10 years back,of course he wanted to meet up and reacquaint and all that stuff,so i invited him to my birthday party that i having in a couple months and told him that would be a good place to meet and get reacquainted and he said that was great and agreed to come.All of the sudden he has switched up and is now telling me that if he can not meet up with me before the party he refuses to come. I'm fine with him not coming to the party but it confuses me why meeting up before then is so important? and why would he switch up on me like this? I'm so confused please help me understand this guy??

Dear Tayla,

For some unknown reason, I got some weird vibes off this. My Intuition tells me, to tell you, to proceed with caution. I'm not sure why and there's no logical reason, for me to feel this.

It is quite possible, that your fella, wants to meet you, without a bunch of people around. Realistically, he would not have your complete attention, if he were to meet you, at your Birthday party. I can also imagine, that if he does not know all these people at this party, it may be a bit uncomfortable.

I can understand his desire to meet you without all the fanfare and hoopla, of a party. I think I'd feel the same way, if meeting you again, for the first time and not really being able to spend time with you. I wouldn't do it either.

I think it's very simple and after he'd committed to coming, he thought about it. I imagine he realized it's not going to be an ideal re-connecting event, if you're surrounded by all these people, who also command your attention.

Yes, I think it's just his desire to have this first time, back around, a special meeting, understandably so. He desires a personal audience with you and no one else.

I will say it again; Proceed with caution. I have this feeling...

No One is Better Than You

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt B,

About a month ago, I got a job at the local movie theater and I was thrilled because it was the first place to have ever called me back after applying everywhere from gas stations to fast food restaurants to stores. It was also fortunate for my family because my mom had just gotten laid off for the summer because she works at a government facility for education children whose families don't have enough money to send their kids to preschools or daycares. We also needed the money because I had just had surgery and it was costing us.

I worked really hard at the theater. I did everything they asked me, I never took breaks, and they never had to show me how to do something more than once. I even did all the jobs that no one else wanted to do like clean the theaters, clean the bathrooms, and take out the trash. I even stayed after hours on occasions to mop because the rest of my coworkers didn't want to and any more money that I could earn, the better.

I was bullied at work because of my willingness to do the stuff no one else wanted to do. They forced me into doing all the work so they could sit in the break room and play around. One of my supervisors was especially hard on me making me do jobs I was almost physically incapable of doing because he's gay and thought I wasn't aware. After I came out and told him that I knew that he was gay, he eased up slightly, but was still rather mean to me whenever one of his boyfriends came around to visit him while he was working. The other girls, since a majority of the employees were girls, still made me do things like stocking, supply runs, sweeping, washing windows, scrubbing the urinals in the mens rooms, and such that they were also supposed to do but didn't want to because they weren't enjoyable and mostly involved some form of heaving lifting.

They scheduled me to work from 2:00pm to midnight and 6:30pm to midnight. Once they even had me work in the morning from opening, which was 11:30am to 5:30pm. I worked long hours and didn't even complain when my feet literally turned purple because I never sat down at work. I never even ate or drank anything at work even though it was offered to me for free because I was an employee.

One night when I checked my schedule, it said that I worked 8:15 to 12:00. It didn't say am or pm like it usually did, but because we opened at 11:30am, I assumed that it meant pm. I thought it was a little strange, but I wasn't going to ask questions about the schedule since my manager and supervisors seemed to get upset with me when I double checked my schedule when there was something that seemed strange to me.

So the day that I was supposed to work 8:15 to 12:00, the theater where I worked called me and the girl who called asked me if I thought that the schedule meant am or pm. I replied pm and she said that it had meant am. I was horrified and apologized profusely and offered to come in immediately since it was only 10:30am and I could at least help out for a bit. The girl on the other side said that it was alright, that I didn't need to come in and that my absence hadn't mattered in the least. But then she asked me if I could come in and work 6:30pm to 12:00am since it was an opening night. Of course I agreed and apologized again before she hung up.

That night I went into work and as soon as I walked in, my manager fired me. She said that because I hadn't shown up that morning, even though it was the first thing that I had done wrong while working there, I was being fired. She also said that she had complaints from the other girls about me and that it just wasn't working out. She also said that they had, had about 200 kids that morning for the opening of a new children's movie and that my absence had "really screwed them over". I was so shocked that I just handed her my name tag and walked out. I sat in my car in shock for a few minutes before I drove home, trying to think of a way to tell my mom that I got fired without crying.

When I went back in the next day to turn in my uniform, I tried to talk to my former boss and explain some things and inquire about others just so that in the very least I could know if I would have a good reference from them or not. Instead of talking to me, my former boss took my uniform and slammed her office door in my face.

I didn't even have my job for a month. My family still needs the money and my mom has been telling me to go find a new job even though my elder brother sits on the couch playing video games all day.

I mean, I want to go out and get a new job and help out my mom because I know this is really stressing her, but I don't know what I did wrong. I mean, I'd seen other employees not show up for shifts without calling in at all and they were still working there, and they were still in their 90 day probationary period just like I was, and I had offered to come in but the girl on the phone had told me not to.

I also know that I need to get a new job, and I want to, but I'm afraid, torn up, and lost. I mean, no where else even called me back before, why will they hire me now after I've been fired?

I just don't know. I know that I need some sort of advice, but I'm not sure of what. Can you help me at all?

Sincerely,

Confused and Torn Up

Dear Confused and Torn Up,

Nice girls do finish last, huh? After today, this letter, you will no longer be a "Nice Girl." No, you will be an Assertive Bitch and everyday, you will put on your Bitch Belt, suited up in confidence and assertive thinking.

I believe every word you've written me, just to let you know that much. I've seen it all to often, where people spend more time trying to get out of work, than they do just doing their job. It sickens me and I can spot it, see through it, a mile away. I have been in Management positions, since my early 20's and have dealt with this type from the start. I will call them on their crap and take great joy in letting them know that their work ethic stinks and I see through it and their "look busy, get nothing done," persona.

The other kind of meathead, gets in good with the boss, fits right in with the clique, falls into shit and comes out smelling like rose potpourri. You and I are not this type of person. Never fear though because we can look in the mirror and answer to ourselves honestly. I actually get pissed off at these kinds of people and wonder just how they do it? But never be envious for or of them. I do believe that eventually, my best friend,

Ms. Karma Bitchslap™

will visit them. The way I feel about it, is in life, you can get away with things for just so long and she comes a callin'! Even if it's not in this life, there will be retribution for those people that get away with murder, get away with just being a slacker and climb to the top on the backs of others. I'm banking on this belief and I hope you will too.

I no longer want you to stew on what happened. You have no control over it. What you do have, now, are choices to take that animosity, built and bred from that situation and you use it in a positive notch on your belt. You live and learn from it. Never trade your ethics, your work ethic but never allow anyone to step on you or to use you. If you see inappropriate behavior on the job, you see it, shake it off and tell yourself, that you never want to be like that. You will see it in every job, you come across. But do not be discouraged. There are still people out there that value a good work ethic. You will find a job more suitable but you must first learn from the last one.

What did you do wrong, in that last position?

1. Never Play the Martyr or Victim.

It's a rarity, to be a true martyr, in this day and age. Real martyr's don't get angry or stuff their animosity. It is not suitable for you to play this role or that of a victim. If you are unfairly zeroed in on, to do something that no one else will do, then you must tell them, that they need to have one of those people sitting in the break room, do it. If you are not busy doing something, without being cocky, ask what else you can do but you'd prefer not to do the task, you're being asked to do.
If you see that other people are standing around doing nothing, while you are the only one working, just stop. There's a fine line between arrogance and absurdity. Never be arrogant but never be a push-over. If they are not doing anything, stop what you are doing and eventually, someone will realize that things are not getting done. This is what good management is. Obviously, at the theater, they were not very good at their job, nor were they fair. If you must work in a place, such as that, you must maintain a very assertive attitude. Note, I said assertive not aggressive. You keep a mind set that you will not do anything that no one else is willing to do. You will go above and beyond, give 110% but you will not do it all.


2. Never Assume Anything.

If you have a question, do not allow a self-esteem issue to stand in your way. See, you are the only one who paid for the fact that you were afraid to ask about your schedule. It is your responsibilty and telling an employer that you were too afraid to ask what time, you have to be at work, will never fly. You must have a personal accountability for your own ass, behaviors and so on. Live and Learn.

3. You Always Have Choices

You can choose to believe that everyone is better than you. But they are not. You can choose to be assertive, do a good job and never take shit from anyone, You can also choose not to give shit, either. You must learn to pick and choose your fight. While that theater was a bunch of gunk, it is not the last job you will get. You can choose to hold yourself to higher standards and simply have and give the persona of a no nonsense assertive Bitch. In life, you will always have the Vultures and the Preyed Upon. I want you to be a different breed; An Assertive Bitch.

4. How Can I Be An Assertive Bitch?

You say what you mean, mean what you say and try not to say it mean. You realize that you are no better than anyone else but no worse and will hold yourself to a higher standard. You are always honest and realistic with yourself. You are fair and Just but will not be afraid to say it like it is, when you see that the underdog is being hurt or abused. You were an Underdog and you know how it feels. You will treat others as you'd want to be treated and you will stand up for yourself, in an assertive manner. You will realize that they can say what they want about you but no matter what, you've already been honest with yourself, so they can't hurt you. You will look in the mirror every single day and you will assess yourself, you will be true to yourself and fix what you can. If you can't fix it or make it better, you will concede to the fact that you tried. If you are right, you will hold your head up and walk like a woman of standards. If you are wrong, you will readily admit it, try to make amends, do your best to apologize, for your behavior and walk away like a woman of standards. You will not give two shits in hell what somebody thinks about you, as long as you are answering to God and yourself, honestly. You will hold your head up, in any situation because you are a righteous woman.Most of all, you will not speak in idle chatter. You will think before you open your mouth. People will begin to see that you have valuable words and in turn, they will begin to respect you and your opinion.

Begin to realize that you are prey, only if you allow it. What is the worst thing that can happen, if you say that you do not like something that is happening? I mean, think about the simple fact that you were afraid to ask about your schedule. What could happen? If you asked management whether it was A.M. or P.M., one of two or three things will go through their empty heads;

1. She's a retard, why is she asking this?

2. Oh, it was dumb of us to not put a simple couple of letters, behind the time cause we know that our employees are not mind readers.

3. What a pain in the ass this girl is, can't she figure things out on her own, damn?

Now, look at all three of those possible statements or possible thoughts. If they thought #1 who's really the retard here? It's not you and that should empower you. Then, we have #2 which would and should or could be the real answer, to your question. And finally, we have #3 which is probably the one you were thinking, they'd be thinking, right? Am I right or what?

Look at #3 and tell me is that a logical thought? If they were thinking this, as I believe you thought they might, who really is the pain in the ass here? It would be them for not having the business savvy to do their job and place an AM or PM on their Scheduling Roster. Now, take that power too and put it in your Bitch belt. You must be able to deduce that even if they acted irritated because you asked them about the time, that it's quite possible that they are some real dumbasses for not doing their job.

Begin to deduce things and put them into perspective. Stop worrying about what anybody else thinks of you. Even the greatest man or woman has flaws. To prove my point, I want you to look at anyone in the entire world, that you might hold in high regard. Now, look for flaws. You'll find them in their appearance, character, behavior, intellect and I could go on and on. People that look for flaws will always find them but this is also a valuable tool, if used in an approach for good. If you feel intimidated by a person or situation, you need only to "humanize" them by looking for their flaws.

No one is better than you, my friend, no one! If you read this and re-read it, you will begin to empower yourself. Right now, you have self-esteem issues. At the same time, you have standards, good ones. You just need to tweak them, put things into perspective, hold your head up and never let 'em see you sweat.

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Why Write A Letter???

Dear Readers...

Quite often, I tell people, who write me, to handle things, by writing a letter, to the person, they are having difficulties with. I say this for a reason. I hate to repeat myself, but will for your benefit;

Have you ever, been in an argument and you can't get a word in edge wise? Ever been knee deep, in debate and you're so angry, you say exactly what you don't mean? Ever had an argument and walked away mad and thought to yourself, later that you wished you'd said this or that? I know I have. Now, it is human nature, when we argue, to take a defensive stance. Quite often, any and all of what we say, is lost in the heat of the moment, lost in translation. It may fall on deaf ears because the person we have the tiff or disagreement with, is pissed off and is only thinking of a snappy and snide comeback. Often times, arguing only results in bad feelings. Many a relationship, has been severed and suffered because of a simple argument. If we learn to fight fair, say what we mean, mean what we say and try not to say it mean, we might get somewhere. Often times though, we tackle an iffy situation, even with the best of intention, only to make things worse because of our temper. How do I know this? I have learned this the hard way, as I have a terribly short fuse and tend to say really nasty things, when I'm angry. Thus, I must "Sabotage Myself."

I learned to shut my big mouth, calm down, take a cleansing breath, maybe wait a few hours or a few days, even and then I place a pen in my hand, instead of a proverbial knife. Words do and can cut like a knife and can be much likened to a double edged sword. Words are more powerful, than we realize or give credit to and they can make or break even the strongest.

Our choice of words can actually be life changing, life altering and life building. If we behaved more responsibly with our words, this world, of course, would be a better place. But it is a golden egg, for someone, to grow enough to finally realize before the damage has been done, to choose their words carefully.

By writing a letter, we can face our fears, we can address, things calmly and we can choose those words, with all their/it's power, in check. We may orchestrate what needs to be said, how it is said and we are afforded, the choice of wielding this power, unbridled, unobstructed, undisturbed.

If you are in a nasty argument with someone, you can't say half of what needs to be said and or how it should be said. But with a letter, you have that person, (hostage, hah, just kidding) in an audience. They can read it and re-read it. it is proven that more is retained by reading something, first hand. The impact of your words and phrase, prose and stance can not be be undermined. More importantly, that person, with whom you may have had an altercation with, is not in your face, no nasty words are exchanged, no one dies.

(This is an excerpt from this post...Guilt Trip 101; The Mother-in-Law)

Time Heals All Wounds

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt Babz,

me and this boy Jake have been friends for almost a year now. we have gotten really close and i consider him my go to person when i have a problem. in this time he has fallen as more than a friend for me. he says hes in love with me but i dont look at him like that. i had sex with one of his friends that i really like. he found out and wont talk to me. i tried apologizing and all he says is to leave him alone and how bad i hurt him and how much in love with me he is. now all i want is my friend back. i miss him and want him to forgive me. but all he wants is me to be his girlfriend or nothing at all. i dont know what to do. please help me

Dear Friend,

Quite the dilemma, huh? I'm not sure if there's an easy answer here. I am having a hard time, telling you what to do, other than to write him and tell him, that you appreciate the fact that he cares for you but you can be only friends. If he won't talk to you, there's no other answer than to write him. In that letter you can tell him, that you never meant to hurt him but in all due reality, he is not your boyfriend, so how could you foresee, that you would hurt him. You must tell him, that you are certainly flattered that he favors you but right now, you did not want to entertain any other feelings but friendly ones.

See, we can't make him let go of his feelings. If he loves you and means it, it would hurt him, to see you with anyone else. But those are his feelings and you can only let him know that you are sorry if it hurt him. You must stress to him that you want only to remain friends and as his friend, you would never knowingly hurt him. Tell him to please accept your apology as you value his friendship.

I don't think there's much more you can do. Time heals all wounds, this much is true. So, apologize, if you hurt him and hope that he will realize that it is not your fault if he is angry with you. Those are his feelings and while you respect them, he really has no right to be angry.

You said, "i miss him and want him to forgive me," make sure you tell him this.

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