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Xmichra Answers

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Hy Aunt B!

I hope you have time to read this!I guess my main issue is that i never get along with others in school and since September is just 2 days away,im already counting the hours to my doom.I really dont wan to go back.There is absolutely nothing that could convince me.Ive already changed school once because of i cant fit in and now im supposed to go to the 9th grade at the second school where my 6,7 and 8 grades werent that much fun!Its mainly my fault i cant get along with others that well.I'm just so shy and Mega shy!I just dont talk that much and when i do i wish i could be somewhere else.The damage it has brought to me is just too much to mend and i just dont know what to do.Believe,it is really hopeless!But there is one thing that i just dont like,sitting at home anymore either!But the main thing stopping me from going outside is that i dont like to hang around,i find it a huge waste of time.I like reading and developing my skills.I actually value education very much but im not willing to "pay the price" anymore for getting one in school!It would be my dream and my ambition to go to a school where i fit in and the teachers are always willing to help me learn more.But my parents arent that wealthy to send to private school or have private teachers.Im tired of being bored and 1 third of summer sitting home and plus,im tired of i cant just have it my way in life.

Thank you for reading this!

Helen.

Dear Helen,

School years are tough when you can’t seem to get a handle on your emotional self, and being shy is even tougher to get out of.

I am a very outspoken person, and have not personally had to deal with being shy… but my husband has. He is really shy, to the point that if I hadn’t asked him out way back when, well I bet the rest of our life wouldn’t have happened.

But when I was nervous to go into my ninth grade, that I can relate too. I was going to a whole new school surrounded by people I had no idea about and teachers and a school system that was VERY different from what I knew. I’m not going to lie, I was freaked out.. and that really affected my first semester to the point that I was failing school because I just didn’t feel that I fit in there.

For me, I had to really wrap my brain around three things :purpose, function and personality.

Purpose – School was and still is an important part of a persons life, and unless you are home schooled.. well most places here it is called truancy if you do not attend and your parents can be charged. Also, without a good high school grade you are looking at no college opportunities, and that can limit your future. The purpose of the schooling is to prepare you for life, and there is plenty of life past grade nine I promise.

Function – this was to daily function for me. How was I going to be able to function in school while feeling dysfunctional? I had to make myself participate is a few things (if you are shy you could sign up for the school paper, photography for the year book, or even a book club) and willingly smile at people and try my best to be friendly with people. Which was hard since I was a tough cookie.

Personality – finally, I stopped trying to ‘fit in’. I just stopped. I was me, and I liked me. It was others I had a problem with for the most part. So I would go my merry way into the classrooms and soon I had people talking to me that were really great people. When you stick to who you are and don’t pretend to be something else, you gain some very valuable friends that have very similar interests or persona's.

Hanging around out in the malls and what not IS a big waste of time. And some really enjoy doing that for down time. If you prefer to draw or write or read, take those tools with you. I never go anywhere without a book, a piece of paper and a pen to this very day… I just can’t be bothered with being bored.

If you have a problem talking with peers, I urge you to talk with the student councilor who might have some very sound tips for you to employ. Also, if you have a hard time talking in front of people… and this will be hard, but join a group like toastmasters where they actually coach people on how to talk intelligently and with purpose in front of others.

But ultimately this change has to come from you. You sound so desolate and set in the fact that things don’t change.. but they do all the time. And it is most often the changes that we make that make us happy. Don’t lose hope, and be the change that you want to see.

Aunt Babz said...

Read all the posts labeled with "Empowerment,"it just might help.

Love & Happiness

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Hi there,

I don't know where to begin, anyway I am divorced. I left my ex-husband for another man, not because I was in love with this man, but coz he could provide for my kids. I have 4 kids, My ex-husband was a good father in his own way, he never beat us, but we had a lot of money problems. I am 40 years old, divorced now for 4 years, and I always dream of getting my husband back, I do still love him. We went our separate ways without really talking about things, now its like a lot of unsaid things still hanging in the air, but when I try to talk to him, he never answers me and walks away. How do I fix things or get over it???
--
La Rochelle Recruitment

Regards

Linda
Mary
Stephanie

Our website:
www.lrra.co.za

Dear Friend,

It's all about choices, is it not? I mean, love and happiness or a monetary life. While I can understand your need for a good provider, I chose the opposite; Love and Happiness. I didn't find it, in that relationship. In fact, I'd been asked my hand in marriage by several men, in my lifetime, that owned 2 homes, cars, businesses and so on. One fella owned a huge construction business and several tobacco plantations. I couldn't see myself, not loving that man and being with him. I chose the love or what I thought was love. My first husband was a good man but had problems, I didn't understand, with depression and addiction. I left him and went from the frying pan, into the fire, all in the name of so called love. I've always regretted that and now it's beyond too late. My husband died in 1989, while we were separated.

My advice would be to let love rule your heart. From your letter, I gather that you have your own job. I don't know about your ex-husband but you must ask yourself, what will make you the happiest; Love or Money?

I always regretted leaving my husband. He was my very best friend but it went too far, got out of hand and then...it was too late. Life is all about choices. We have them, in every instance but we often can't see it or we choose not to. I hope you will opt for happiness. You only get one go around and while it's wonderful to cry, if you must, sitting in your Lexus with an Anne Klein suit, Gucchi bag and Jimmy Choo shoes, nothing beats loving arms.

I don't get the impression that you are rich, just more secure. So, is it just the security that holds you in place? While we often think the grass is greener on the other side, what we fail to realize, is that quite often it's only greener because it's over a Septic Tank. The key to life is; Love, Laughter and Family. If you don't have that sense of love and laughter with this new fella, take a look at that. If you've entertained notions of your ex-husband, simply because you have a past with him, I suggest committing to your husband, your current husband and making the choice to put your ex, in the past. It is a choice, either way and in all fairness, you must make one or the other. If you've really thought this through and you realize that you are not happy with your current husband because he does not have the same qualities, that your ex did, you need to look at that as well.

My suggestion is; to write your ex-husband, after you've made some semblance of a decision, just where your happiness lyes. Making amends, if nothing else, will plant a seed. He may have deep seated pain, concerning the decision, you made, to leave him. If nothing else, it may give you the first step, to becoming amicable. I think it is paramount anyway, for your children, for you both to be mature and work on your relationship, first and foremost. Once you've done this, it may pave the way, for the next step, in making a permanent decision, concerning who you should be with.

So, write your ex and express the fact that you want, only a good relationship with him. Tell him that you do not want to continue, with things, the way they are. Express the fact that your are truly sorry, that things are the way they are and he was the last person, you wanted to hurt. He may see you as selfish, for what you have done. You took his wife, children, his very family from under him. You must have this in mind, as you write him. Nothing but good will come from your attempt at making amends. I can not promise, it will heal your ex but you owe it to yourself, to make that attempt.

While I realize, you feel you did what you had to do, for the sake of your children, please look at it all and deduce, if was the right decision.

Xmichra said...

I feel compelled to add that if you are not happy and do not love your current partner, that you owe it to him to be upfront about this. Maybe not is such dramatic terms.. but how would you feel if you knew that your spouse was only with you for your money? Doesn't feel so great, not to be loved and to feel used.

Regardless of what you decide to do with the ex, you need to first be happy with you and your life. And sitting where you are, with the letter you wrote to Aunt B.. I think it's safe to say that you are not happy emotionally. And I think it would be in your best interest to sort that out first.

What If Syndrome

Xmichra Answers

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Aunt Babz,

Hey there i have been with my boyfriend for nearly 9 months. He has told me that he has to go back to this home town to see his daughter for about 5 months. He ahs asked me to go with him but every time i say that i want to go he says that i will miss my family to much. But he has told me that he loves me and i love him too. I really want to go with him cause in the end it's only 5 months and i would like to meet his family. What should i do

Dear Friend,

Well, to be honest I don’t think he wants you to go.. he just didn’t want to loose out if he came back. The whole “you will miss your family too much” is a cop out for “maybe I made a mistake”. At least that is what I think.

I would really question why five months? What is going on that in five months time he would be willing to come back home? What is that all about? I certainly think it sounds strange, and a little like a devised plan that is not likely going to go well.

But if you do decide to go taking a few precautionary steps wouldn’t hurt. Make sure that you have a place to stay and a job, in case things don’t pan out with your boyfriend. I would say that to anyone who was moving far from their support line (family in this case), you just can’t ever be too safe in that regard.

Also, you might want to check what the living arrangements are going to be like. If he was only intending to stay for five months (which too me sounds really odd) then chances are he wasn’t signing a lease. So just be sure what kind of accommodation there is, and if he was planning to stay with someone that they are aware that you will be joining him. Nothing makes for tension like an unknown guest.

If you decide not to go, just keep in mind that love travels, and if he is true he will not stray and you will be fine. If it wasn’t meant to be, then that’s it. If you want to go, but your gut is telling you that you really shouldn’t…. then I would listen to that instinct. And the same for the reverse situation, if your gut is telling you that this is the smart move then I would do it. Regretting something you took a chance on is sometimes much easier to deal with then the “what if” syndrome of not doing things. However, going against your gut will almost always land you in a bigger pile of shit then ever expected.

Good luck, and let us know what you decided.

Gaining Miles

Xmichra Answers

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...




Dear Aunt Babz,

Good Evening, I was curious on how to start my life in the right

track. Im 21 and cant get back into school(which in

consideration I dont have and post secondary except

for a few remedial classes) I have tremendous debt

(around the 15,000 range give or take a 1000 dollars)

and have been looking for a job for the past 1 and a

half. I dont have any constant income let alone any Im

21 years old and have no /way to turn. No special

talents or hobbies except for boxing but I have a hard

time just getting there because I never have enough

gas in my car. I really dont have any real friends and

the ones I do are in worser situations then I am. The

only thing that I do hold dearly to me is my faith and

my mother. I dont know nobody in a position to help me

what should I do. It seem s as is nothing can go my

way if it aint one thing its the other you now. I try

so hard to give the little that I have but It seems as

they take my kindness for weekness, I also need a way

to get these tattoos off my hands

Dear Friend,

Your dilemma is a common one in this day and age, where you feel like you are being trapped in that rut and unable to get out of it. How one gets out however is very uncommon, if for the only reason is how you will do it, it changes and is different for everyone.

Luckily you are twenty one and not fifty one, which shouldn’t matter but it does have an exceedingly higher opportunity to change and get help for that change (although I may add here that age is no limit for those who really want a change).

Let me tell you, I had a tough time in my early twenties (I am 31 this year) and had very similar problems. I moved out on my own when I was sixteen, and had acquired the debt of a thirty year old by the time I was twenty three. Not fun. I also had not completed my post secondary education, and had a student loan tacked on to remind me of what I had not accomplished. I was married by twenty three, no stable employment and debt. Lots of things started to look very bleak and I wasn’t sure how on earth I was going to get out of it all, very much like you.

So I will tell you what I did, and a few paths you can choose, and hopefully we can start back on the path to the rest of your long and good life.

My parents lived pretty far away, and I had no support financially, from anyone but myself. I didn’t have a very good job, but I did at one point have three not very good jobs. Trust me, this leaves little room for anything else… but if you want to get out of debt quickly you can take that road. I lasted a matter of six months before I was so sleep deprived that I finally gave two up. But in that six months I managed to make a sizable dent on my debt. And these were not high paying jobs. They were all minimum wage, no education required. I worked as a waitress in the early morning, worked at a convenience store in the afternoon and then as a bartender at night.

You can imagine the lack of sleep, but these were all part time jobs as well, so it left a little wiggle room. The one thing I can say I loved about this is that I had three different places to work and didn’t get bored or upset because of the small amount of time I was spending in each place. It’s a lot different when you are working one job for 16 hours a day as opposed to three jobs, four hours each for sixteen hours a day. And that is what kept me going in reality, because of the constant change I was usually happy to be there and eager to work. Which makes a huge difference in your cash flow, especially when you are working for tips.

That is one thing I would suggest as well, work a job that tips out. Even if it is only for a few hours a day, you have your regular pay plus that little extra, which could make the difference of a five dollar an hour job turn out to be a twenty dollar an hour job. But beware, you will need to set that aside and deposit into your bank account because free pocket money becomes spending money, and that is the last thing you need right now.

After that six months I decided to keep the one waitress job. It was worth the most amount of money (when you include tips) and I was able to acquire more hours since I was a reliable employee. Big word that is, reliable. Being reliable and hard working will gain you MILES when trying to make your way up in the world. Even with a minimum wage job, always think that you are working for your future. So I had this waitress job, and I made a few life choices. Those were, no drugs, no drinking (except on birthdays and the like) no extra spending (like buying the newest CD or going to the theater for a movie). These are all luxuries, not musts. You do need to enjoy yourself though, so I would rent a movie and make popcorn at home. I would go to the grocery store and buy a dinner for six (cheaply made, spaghetti or lasagna makes a powerful dinner with little cost) a couple bottles of wine (which are looked at being classy but cost very little) and invite friends over for dinner. I would go to the park with a few buddies, pack a picnic (another cheap solution, cut sandwiches veggies and dip) and toss a Frisbee around for a few hours. All things that are cheap and you can usually get more than one person in on the cost if you are really truly broke. Just keep in mind that if it costs more than forty bucks, it will likely not be worth the time getting out of debt.

Every single pay check that I had, I would take out ten percent and that would be mine. No one else’s. Everything else would go to bills and food and debt… which seems like such a crap shoot, but you do need something for you. Later, when I became a little more established I still took that ten percent and put it into savings bonds, great habit to get into. You just need to get there, and you will.

But I think the best thing that I did for myself was to never sell myself short. I would do extra things for my employers to gain more experience and more skills. I was twenty seven when I had my daughter, and still not making near what I do now. But when I came back off of maternity leave (which was tough financially) I went back to work for Tim Hortons ( I had worked there for a year before I went on maternity leave) and started to really build my way up. I was honest, reliable and quick on my feet, which got me to supervisor. I was smart with numbers and people, which in another nine months made me a branch manager. Then after proving that I could do the ordering of all the supplies and scheduling I was promoted to the store manager. Once I had this skill and length of service under my belt I was able to look for something that was more my style. I applied with an oilfield firm to do their accounts payable. I had absolutely no experience other then the loyalty and fantastic job record from Tim Hortons. That got me the job, along with a very good interview. I had it in my head that I could do that job, and would be an asset to the firm, and I got it. Those stepping-stones got me to where I am today, I am a human resources manager with a major retail company, and I am paid well and respected. I can go to the movies, eat at restaurants, and enjoy my time. It just took awhile to get here.

So, what was the point of all that? Work hard, don’t give up, cut back on expenses.

Now, you had said that you have no real support and that you hold your faith and your mother close to your being. I am sure that if your mother could help you she would, but it sounds as though she is not in the best of situations to do that. So lets explore your other strength and that is your faith. Although I am not a religious person, I know that religious factions have multiple branches of help. Your particular branch likely convenes at a particular time and date for ceremonies. If I were you I would attend those as often as possible, because if there is one thing that I feel you are missing is the bond of a true friend. Friendships occur when you have similar interests, and often when you are involved with the same things. Going to such factions can really help you with making friends that have similar goals, and also help you to feel good. I have not been to many such ceremonies that didn’t leave its patrons feeling at least a little better about themselves. And you need that strength, and if that is what you hold dear, that is what you should do.

Also, in many churches and factions of that type, there are plenty of opportunities for growth. Many times I have employed members of the church on good faith, because their parishioner had put in a good word. And I can think of none that have remotely come to disappoint me or my fellow co-workers. These factions also have things like food drives if you are so in debt that you need help just getting by, clothing banks and second hand stores to furnish your place. All helping solutions that most ‘good will’ places use to help others out.

Now, I don’t know how different it is between where you live and I live, but here we also have an education team that teams up with the churches and helps underprivileged people gain employment skills. Those skills include typing, computer knowledge, basic accounting, mechanics, plumbing and the like. These skills are a great start to get you into a job as an apprentice, and can make for a huge pay off. I know that one of my friends did this with the mechanics, and became an apprentice. He was making slightly higher then minimum wage, but after a year his employer paid for his schooling as long as he maintained his employment with that employer for the duration of the schooling plus one year. A lot of trades will do this because of the high demand for good people, and they are investing in their company by training the right people and having them devoted to their company for five years (as opposed to hiring a journeyman mechanic with no real loyalty and having that person get a different job in a year. Sometimes experience and education doesn’t matter all the time, it is the longevity of service and willingness to stay focused). I worked for that oil field firm and saw this happen all the time. More often then not, the person stayed with the company long after the ‘deal’ because they felt that the company had done so much for them and they were happy to be in a company like that. Really great way of hiring I say.

Also, I am not sure where you live, but if you qualify for employment insurance, welfare, social assistance and the like… they usually have programs for individuals to gain the knowledge they need to gain meaningful employment and to get you back into the work force. You just need to be the one who asks, and you need to truly stick with the things that they want you to do. Some people find that it is a ‘waste of time to go over things that you already know… but I ask this, what time exactly are you wasting? The time you are currently not working and unemployed? Very silly way to think. These people are employed to help others out, and are trained to help and educate. Think of the things that you think you know as a refresher, and that everything takes steps to learn. The only thing I would keep in mind is that the natures of programs are supposed to be used to help you get back on your feet, not to sustain your life. So if you do travel this path, I urge you to keep that fact in mind and to respect the provisions.. And maybe one day give back with time, money or support. Those are just a few paths, getting into an apprenticing job, social assistance, church outreach programs, working your way through a low paying job. But no matter what the path you choose, trust me if you want to make a go of this life only you have the power to harness it. Only you can brush the dust off when you feel you have fallen, and only you can decide that you are not going to settle for second best.The tattoos might be a little more difficult.

Removal of tattoos is expensive and very painful. I had one removed, and that was NOT fun. But a somewhat easier solution is to buy cover up. I see this done all the time. Brides not wanting the skull tattoo on the back of their necks showing for their big romantic day, they use cover up to mask it. I use a thicker mattee cover up on my tattoo on my ankle when i am wearing a skirt and have a business function to attend. It works rather well. The only thing that may hinder you is gaining employment that requires you to work with water (like a dish washer, a car wash jockey, a waiter). So in that regard, i would be upfront with the employer and tell them that you will do your best to cover them up, but it is going to be tough with water around. Things may take a little while ( I know for me it did), but you are not done by any stretch of the imagination. Good luck, and let us know what you find out.

Catch More Bees with Honey

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Hi Aunt B

I have been married to my husband for 15 years and it has been both a good satisfying relationship and a struggle. Both I and my husband, met in a support group and have been in recovery for 15 years. We both had previous relationships that didn't work out but never when both parties were sober.This is my problem- I became disabled 9 years ago as a result of a work injury ( I broke my back in the health care industry) since that time I have had 3 spinal surgeries and am in severe pain all the time. We recently moved to a new "dream home" which both of us agreed upon. The trouble is that I do most of the household chores, I ask my husband to help me and he gets extremely angry or he doesn't do what I ask. I can ask him 20 times to do something and he won't do it. I get fed up and get angry and then he will begrudgingly help me. I can ask him to vacuum (which I cannot do) and he wont do it for weeks if ever. I feel extremely depressed over this situation because when we moved into this new home (which is very large) he agreed that we would both contribute to housework. So far he hasn't done much of anything to maintain the cleanliness of the house, I do everything. I wouldn't be so bad if I was healthy, but I am in extreme pain and it is a huge effort for me to keep the house very clean which is the way I like to live. To make it worse, he goes out all over the neighborhood helping people with chores and work and then wont help me when asked. He spends a lot of his time out helping others and will literally Run when someones else asks him to do something. To his credit, he has been very good to me monetarily and is there for me with support of the house, he has retired now so it's not like he's working full time and then he's coming home and I'm asking him to do housework in his off hours. When he was working I was able to hire a lady part-time to help me around the house. Now that he's retired he gets livid if I say I want to get someone to help me. He gets irate if I say that I cannot do all the work alone. And I have to add that we are financially (not poor) we have money. When I say I'm going to get someone to help me he gives me dirty looks and wont talk to me. Thanks for listening Aunt B

JAYNIE HOUT

Dear Jaynie,

I too live with excruciating pain, so I know what you are dealing with. Some days are better than others. Quite often, the simplest tasks can seem insurmountable, not to mention, just the thought of having to do something, you know will be painful, causes stress.

It's unfortunate but I have noted that more often than not, people with physical pain are not given too much compassion. I do not understand this premise but it is real. They seem to have more sympathy and understanding if, for example, they can see the reason for the pain, i.e., a cast and so on.

How do I know this? Well, I for one, in my healthier days, had no sympathy for whiners, as I so fondly referred to them. I had no sympathy for what I did not understand and quite often, people are guilty of this. If they've not walked in your moccasin, they don't have empathy. If they can't see, with their own eyes, your pain or the reason for your pain, they don't seem to comprehend. It's a sad, sad commentary on life, as we know it but it exists. I do believe God allowed me to go through, what I have to gain perspective and lots of Empathy.

It's quite possible, your husband does not comprehend, just how intense your pain is, not to mention, how distasteful it is, for you to live, in dirt. He obviously, does not realize that a simple job, such as vacuuming causes you pain and I'd be willing to bet, that you are able to vacuum but pay for it dearly. He has seen that you will do it and figures that you'll eventually fold your cards, get fed up and just do it.

In addition to not taking you and your pain, as seriously, as he should, I think you have a lack of respect, factoring into this. You may question me saying this but let me point out a couple things. When he runs to help others, it is because he wants to keep, attain, maintain respect, for the individual that he's helping. A lot of that is posturing. He wants these people to look up to him, think he's a good guy, keep or gain their respect. I'm sure, he only does these things, out of the goodness of his heart and he wants them to have a high opinion of him. I mean, really, who goes out of their way to do odd jobs, for nothing, unless their is an actual motive. Even the best of intentions, have a motive. I think his MO is to let things go, at the house but keep up this persona on the outside.

It's the same as a guy/person, who speaks to you, in a nasty tone, says harsh things, cusses you but he wouldn't dare behave that way, to a friend or neighbor. If he respected your relationship, he would treat you, as a would a friend. What happens, in many situations, is they become lackadaisical, familiarity breeds contempt and they lose sight of that respect factor. So, what can you do about it?

First you bring to his attention, the respect factor, he no longer has. Ask him if he feels he can treat you any kind of way? Demand his respect and tell him, if he wants yours to continue and he wants to be the head of the household, he must behave like the head and pull his weight. Being a nice guy starts at home. As it is, he's obviously not held your respect, or you'd not have written.


The other suggestion I have is two fold;

1. Hire someone to vacuum, only vacuum, once a week.
2. Call his bluff and tell him, you want to move to a smaller home, one that you can manage.

Your approach, to a man, such as your husband must not be as a nag. He stopped hearing you, long ago and your attempt to make him do things has failed, right?
You get more bees with honey, than vinegar. Change your style possibly, when you ask him for help. Try not to sound so demanding, don't nag because he's just being rebellious. Sorry, but my perspective or experience is that men are just boys, in big clothing. If they think, you're telling them what to do, they will do the exact opposite. If they think you are trying to run the show, they'll throw a wrench in the works. Find a different way, to ask your husband for assistance.

Don't hound him, stop nagging and possibly let your standards down just a tad. I know you like things neat and tidy, many of us do. I know that I was a nut sometimes but I did have to learn that a little dirt, never killed anyone. I am not telling you to live as pigs in a stye, you shouldn't have to. But if you are on his butt from dawn to dusk about all this cleaning stuff, that isn't important to him, you are just annoying him and he won't budge. Nope, he's gonna show you who's in charge, what's what and what's not.

My Advice; Put on your prettiest lipstick, nicest lingerie, lure him into your boudoir, sex him up, tell him you are sorry for nagging him, ask him to help you, when he can and pay for someone to come in and just vacuum.

Possible Penance

Xmichra Answers

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Dear Aunt B,

I am in a situation, and I'm not sure what to do. I have been married for 28 years, most of which has been enjoyable. Over the last few years, my wife decided that our sex life was over. I am 53, she is 48, We had some serious discussions about this...she would promise to do better, but better never happened. In February of this year, I started an affair with a married woman, somewhat younger than I, who was essentially having the same problems at home as I, but she was also dealing with an abusive spouse. When we started out, it was to be a friendship to provide sex and intimacy to one another. As you might guess, the relationship grew to be much more than that...we fell in love. We agreed recently that we would both leave our existing relationships, and start anew with each other. This past Thursday, I told my wife of my intentions, and left. She was "floored", as she never suspected anything. Since I have left, I have been experiencing almost constant guilt, and the related feelings that go with it. On one hand, her lack of giving me the intimacy that I needed and deserved caused me to go elsewhere to find that, which is very important to me. On the other hand, we did experience many wonderful times and memories over the years. It kills me when my mind starts remembering things that were good. I've had some thoughts about going back to her, and trying to work things out. I just don't know if she would ever be able to get over the hurt, nor ever trust me fully again. Then there's the thing about sex and intimacy that may never change. Also, I do love the woman I am with. I promised her that I would follow through wwith this, which factored into her own decision to leave her husband as well. In addition, she is not in a position to sustain herself financially without my help. Is is normal to have the feelings that I am having? Also, I would most appreciate any advice that you may have for me in this matter.

Dear Friend,

Instead of giving advice, I think in this one I will actually refer to feeling and healing. I know that seems odd, but you don’t need advice. You have made your way and are living with the consequences. What you need now is the resource to ‘deal with it’.

Sex is a complicated part of a relationship. Some people can have sex multiple times a day. Some can live without it. But the real issue is intimacy, not sex. Any person can masturbate, watch porn, and get a joy toy, what ever it is that you need to release all those hormones. But the physical intimacy of your lover, your partner, that is what is so important. And unfortunately, many lose their sexual drive when they get older, are on medication, and multiple other reasons. You have obviously been on the side where this is just not good for you, and was not having the issue resolved. You have talked about it with your ex-wife and you did express your desire. She in turn could not do what it was that you were asking. There is no fault here… just an unfortunate and natural part of life.

Seeking out intimacy is something that 99% of today’s society will get down on a married person for. Of course I am guessing on the statistics, but honestly I think that to be pretty darn close. But thankfully, that doesn’t matter. Why? Because no one can really judge another until they walk in your shoes. And a relationship without sex, without that bond, without trying to rekindle, well, that can make the most loyal partner go astray. Doesn’t matter if it is right or wrong, it is human biology.

But what to do with the old noggin’ once the deed is done.

Seems to me that you are not quite happy with the relationship that you are currently in. I know that you stated that you love this woman, but I also think you are comparing her to your ex-wife who was absolutely great minus the no sex thing. So now you are questioning how much the sex really meant to you. Also you are likely wondering if you should have gone down this road at all. Which is expected when you still have intense feelings for another person.

I always tell people, a few things, when it comes to making a decision and one of them is to actually not think of the other person but to think of your self. Are you happy with the person you are with? If not, why is it that you are unhappy? If you think it is because you had shared and loved your life with your ex-wife, then think of her next. How much penance are you willing to do for her to trust you again? And do you think that she would even grant you that option? Given that she is likely not going to bend on the sex issue, can you be faithful to her? Are you ready to give up your sexual expression to be with her and really BE with her? Then the hard part, if you are thinking that you are not happy with the woman you are currently with, or any of the above questions, you do need to step up and call it off. No matter what the outcome is with you and your ex-wife. You need to be fair with this woman, and you need to be kind. She left an abusive relationship, which is great, but that will pack a lot of esteem issues and the last thing she needs is to go crawling back. So if you need to break it off with her (and you do if you are not 100%) then do the out of the ordinary and make sure that she has solid provisions and support. She will need it.

Maybe you are fine with the decision you have made regarding your ex-wife, and the two of you have ended amicably (or as well as you could) and you are having a hard time healing on your own. I don’t know all the details, so I am going out on a limb. Healing a wound that is not your own is difficult, and sometimes only time can take away the sting. But if you know, or think you know what it is that you ‘feel’ you need to do, then just do it. Make that phone call, make that visit, have a talk, write a letter. Do what ever it takes to say “I’m sorry”, no matter if it is to your ex, your current partner, children if there were any. Who ever it is, even if there are multiples. Healing is a difficult thing to try and take on, but it doesn’t happen over night and without effort

Part of the guilt that you are suffering is that you did indeed cheat on your wife. The fact that she was ‘floored’ means that no matter how often (or not) you two were having sex she never thought that you would stray. Comfort with your partner will make a person think this. And you know this, and feel guilty. So ask yourself this, you know first hand what it feels like to not have the whole of your partner. You know what it feels like to hurt someone (even if you really didn’t mean too). You know that the affair was (although probably uncharacteristic for you) ‘wrong’. So, why would you doom yourself to repeat any of it by not playing fair with your current lover?

.

Guilt comes to us when we have felt our morality has been compromised, and when we have hurt those we love. It doesn’t come to us for finding a hundred dollar bill on the street, even if it was someone’s last resort. We don’t know that, and we are blinded by the lack of connection. Guilt is your heart and soul way of telling you something is wrong, and you need to do something to make it right.

I’m not saying that you should leave your partner and see what happens with your ex. Hell, maybe all that your heart needs is to apologize, really apologize and have your ex forgive you. Maybe your soul needs to feel like you haven’t ruined someone else’s life (and I don’t think any one person is to blame here, just for the record). Maybe you need to be completely honest with the woman you are with in order to make this a good move for you. Honestly, I do not know the answer.

Even though I said I wasn’t going to do it… My advice is this; listen to all those things that your heart is telling you is right. Otherwise, you will just be living in guilt. Good luck, and let us know how you are doing.

Sorry For The Delay

Dear Readers,

I've been on vacation. I was unable to access my old emails, while I was gone. Thus I'd not been able to answer any letters, I received prior to leaving.

I do apologize for the delay in your answers and will get to them, as soon as humanly possible. I thank you for your patience.

Aunt Babz

True Colors

Xmichra Answers

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

i have been going with this girl for about 3 years of and on this last time i lived with her for a year and a half she has a little girl 4 tears old i'm very close to i was with her more than anybody. we both lost our jobs about the same time mine due to a work injury. we were stressed out and i was getting depressed i fianlly got help for that but it was to late she told me to get out and when i was in the hospital she got rid of my stuff. i still can talk to her and she talk to me just not about us she said not to bug her so i haven't called in about 3 days. i wrote her a 20 page letter letting know how i feel and miss her and tha little girl how i want to put back our family. i want to call her but i want her to have her space right now. what else can i do to get my family back!



Dear Friend,

Your situation sounds pretty heavy. Mixed emotions, depression, career changes, children.. it is hard to handle just one of these things but these are all the facets that make a relationship hard to work through.



First off though, I would like to commend you for seeking help for your depression. It is hard to seek help, and actually learn from that help. You did the right thing there, and I hope that you benefited greatly from it.



If I were you, I would sit back and evaluate how your relationship with this girl has changed. I don’t say this to be mean… but she has a child to worry about and she may feel that it is in her best interest not to start something so heavy again and you might just have to accept this and move on. But I will finish that thought later.



I don’t know what happened entirely, so I am giving the benefit of the doubt that what happened between the two of you is simply a sequence of unfortunate situations, which made your relationship fracture.



The loss of a job is a difficult burden when you not only have yourself to provide for but also a child. This situation can pile on the stress by the ton, especially if it involves an injury where you are not able to get into the work force again right away. This type of unemployment can and does put an enormous strain on a relationship, especially if the other partner has had to carry the burden of being the only worker in the household. Now, you had said both of you had lost your jobs at the same time, yours was due to injury. Did she end up working again and supporting you? Because if this is the case, she may not be ready to discuss having a relationship because she feels that she unfairly carried the responsibility of earning money while you couldn’t. Even in a relationship that has sustained thirty years, this is a trial to which many do not survive, that responsibility is so encumbering that on it’s own can tear a relationship apart.



It is natural for the human psyche to think that of a persons “true colors” , you see the most when in a troubled situation. She may think that while all these things were happening she got to see the true you, and isn’t prepared to tackle that again. And to be fair, she very well might not be prepared for you again or the stress of providing for another when she has her little girl to parent. Even if you are gainfully employed now, she will remember what it was like and be fearful if that were to happen again how that would affect her.



Now, if you really want to try something out you can ask her to go to couples therapy. This might help her to vent her true feelings and give you an opportunity to speak your truth as well. Given the situation though, I do not think that she will go for this. I think that by the sounds of what she is telling you that she does want her space, and doesn’t think of you in that regard anymore. And I am sorry to say this, but I think if she doesn’t want to make a relationship with you, that you will need to move on to keep yourself healthy.

Remember all the help you received to bring you out of your depression and the things that they likely said. Your mental health is dependent on you, and you alone. You need to make sure that you are all right, and if you find that this is too hard, I strongly urge you to seek help for your own safety. Please let us know if you need some support, as there are plenty of resources that can be linked in your area. Good luck to you.

Showing Sensibility

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email...

Xmichra answers...



Dear Aunt Babz,

Hey, i am looking for advice. My situation is deffinately not an easy one. You see i'm fifteen & am dating, or i should say.. was dating a seventeen year old. We got along so great, it was finally like my serious boyfriend where i was comfortable around and just had a good time. We dated for three months and unfortunately made a stupid decision where we had done something together which shouldn't of happened. [we were "sexually" active, but not to the point where i was having sex, if you know what i mean?] It's not an easy topic to talk about. Well my mom had found out from reading a text message of mine, and she pretty much flipped. Then on top of that rumors stated he cheated on me, i finally think i got to the bottom of that, it ended up as his x gf just made it up to break us up because she still is in love with him, but my mom found that out to & she just had it. Now were broken up, cause i said i needed time, but we are working on getting back together & starting fresh, like no more fighting and things, but the problem is my parents refuse to let me see him. I don't know what to do, i will not get over him, i like him TOO much just to throw it all away. I'm stubborn and always want what i cant have, so i really need to find a way to prove to my mother i'm sorry & hopefully get her to consider letting me see him again. :[ please help me, i don't know what to do. I understand why she is mad, i dont blame her. I messed up but people make mistakes and i deffiantely learned. I also feel bad because i keep lying to my x boyfriend about how i can't see him, cause he has no idea about what is going on. If you can get back to me as soon as possible. thanks a bunch<3333

Dear Friend,

Let me just say that as a used to be teen… I 100% understand. You are not alone in feeling like this is the worst possible scenario, and if you are anything like your letter sounds you do appear to be as responsible as a teen can be. That’s saying a lot.

So to the question at hand, what to do now. I am assuming that you are female here.. but if you are male, there is some much different advice to give.

Pretty much goes one of two ways, you keep lying to your boy and to your family and one day you will get caught (and trust me, it always works like that) and you will have affirmed to your parents that you cannot be trusted.. and your boy will likely think you are ashamed of him… which will likely result in a break up.

Or, and this is that hard part of life, you tell the truth all the time. You tell your parents that you want to keep seeing this boy. Maybe (and I know this sounds lame) having “dates” where you are at your parents house so that they feel more comfortable. Or in group settings like the movies. Places where “things” aren’t going to happen will help to build back that trust.

You do have to watch the legal age for sexual consent in your area as well. If your parents do not like this boy and really think that he is not good for you… well there could be a statutory rape charge if anything else were to happen. So be VERY careful about that. I know that you said the boy is 17, but how close is he to 18?? Think about those things, as you really don’t want things to go messy.

It might also help to have a really honest talk with your parents (or singly as sometimes moms and dads differ in reason) about what you want to do with your life and how you know sex is something to big for now. That you genuinely like this guy, and you do want to date him. And that you would appreciate a little bit of trust, and to trust that they brought you up to be a smart girl. You can say that you have learned that things were going too fast, and you know that in your head (or you would have just had sex) and that you would like the opportunity to show them that you are a sensible young woman.

Appeal to their parental prowess and that should gain a little ground on your part. If you go into a conversation like this unprepared.. you might come off sounding juvenile and they will not bend.

Now, having said all that.. I know that this is a topic that most people have a problem discussing. But if you start now, and open that pathway it could save you in the long run. No parent wants to hear that their little girl is having sex. It just isn’t a good thing in a parents eyes. All a parent can think is how much they have ‘put in’ to make your life better then theirs was and how fast it can take a drastic turn with the event of pregnancy, STD’s and physical abuse. These are the worst fears a parent faces.. something bad happening to their child, or something that will take away their child’s right to progress in a healthy timeline. So if you remember this, and respect that your parents have a very real fear.. then you might be able to change their minds. They may ask to know this boy a little more, maybe they are truly uncomfortable because they cannot tell what kind of person he is. And that is something you need to decide before you talk, weather this is something that you are willing to do so that you can preserve a relationship.

You do need to fess up to the boyfriend though. He needs to know that you are not ashamed of him, but that you need a little time to win your parents over. Starting of ‘fresh’ should include not lying, so keep that in mind.

Ultimately this is your decision, and hopefully it will go well for you if you take that second road. Best of luck, and let us know how things go.

Real Deal

This is a post update, from this post;
Real Men Don't Fool Around

Dear Aunt Babz,

Okay soo.... I have advice to ask of you again...

soo... me and my ex are planning a trip for about two or three days out of

state...

but... thinking about it... I dont know how much i actually wanna do that...

cause its like, I want to go, and just be alone with him, and just kind

of... I guess figure everything out with him away from everything and

everyone else, but then again..... I dont know how I would feel if something

did happen... Because he isn't trustworthy, he is such a liar, and a total

player, but then again, like I have been saying, I really really love him,

which I know, makes no sense, but whatever.

But what do you think?

Think this is smart, and should I even be open to anything happening again

or what?

Dear Friend,

I think, only you can answer all this. But I can help you process it. Part of it, is that element of the unknown. Part of it, is if you are willing to chance him hurting you again. Part of it is that damn love, that's blind, crippled and crazy. I know, I've been in it.

I firmly believe, you've outgrown this guy. There was a side of you, that wanted to fix him and help take care of him. I've been guilty, in the past of, "Mothering," my men and we are the kind of woman to give it our all, fix it, make it better and so on. I want you to ask yourself, if this is what's been going on and you've over looked the obvious because you are not a quitter. What's the obvious?

You are already aware and have observed that this guy, and I quote, " isn't trustworthy, he is such a liar, and a total player." Those are key issues, are they not? I mean, if you don't have trust, can't get the truth and expect him to behave like he's the Pimp Playa, what do you have? Nada!

Take a look at what it really is, that keeps you thinking about him, as partner potential. Is it because he's good in bed? You can't stay in bed but for so long, right? Is it because he's elusive and you like bad boys? I know I did. If the guy, just fell into me and I didn't have to work at it, I chewed him up and spit him out. Nice guys do not make it in my world or they didn't used to.

But we must work at being happy. A guy can be all those things but if he can't be trusted, you have nothing. I do not believe it is an honorable trait to fool around. Somewhere along the line, men were taught that it's how we do do things. It's crap, if you ask me. Guys don't realize it but we're on to them. The only reason they fool around is because they have a low sense, of self-esteem and need it fluffed. As I said before, a real man does not need to fool around, to make him feel like a man. It's not really all sexual, so I believe most of it, is so they feel like big men.

In the real world, there resides, Real Men. They are the kind of man, who are trustworthy, honest, stand-up guys, who are as good as their word. You owe it to yourself, to find one.

I believe your match, will be a guy who respects you, enjoys engaging conversation, is not intimidated by your professional side and loves you, for who you are. You know, you have that sassy side, he'll respect you for it. As soon as you begin to realize that this Playa is an illusion of a man, the sooner, you'll be able to see the Real Deal. No, he's not Mr.GQ and you may not see him at first. You've been busy looking at the wrong kind of guy. No, he's not all that good looking but he'll treat you like the woman you are and appreciate you. He's hiding in plain site or he will be. Watch for him.

Zero Tolerance for Violence; Take Action

This was left in the comments to Aunt Babz...

Anonymous said...

Help please
I have the same problem, my parents don't listen to me and do nothing to stop it, my brother attacks me violently when I have to do my homework on the computer and is usually when my parents leave home, he thinks he dominates the computer, he bruised my hand purple, hit me with the vacuum stick, pull my hair out in chunks. I want to finish school and be something, but with all this going on, I cant take it anymore and I m stressed. I don't know what to do. I want to tell someone but am afraid. He is 14 and I am now 15 turning 16. My life sucks. He has been doing this to me since I was 12. My parents don't trust either to go out with my friends, that my dad follows me in his car, and even when I have to walk home from school. I have to go now, my brothers coming. Please help me

Dear Anonymous,

I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through this. You are not alone. This is the third letter in a month or so, that I've received concerning this violent behavior by a sibling.

This issue is not new, as I can remember when I was a kid, my best friends brother, smacked her around all the time. We plotted to get him back, I don't know how many times and eventually, we did some less than savory things to him.

There was a time, when I would've told you to pick up a bat and smack the day lights outa him. But I have learned violence begets violence. In this life though, if you allow yourself to be a victim, you will be. You must take charge of the situation. What can you do?

I wrote another post, Revisited; Zero Tolerance for Violence.

Read this and take what you can from it. If possible, either send the link to both posts, to your parents. If that doesn't work, speak to your Guidance Counselor. Holding it all in, is not good, either. But the problem is and lies in the fact that you are allowing yourself to be a victim. You have to remember that, your parents probably don't realize just how much of a problem this is, to you. After all, I doubt seriously, if they've seen your brother do what he does best. So, they probably figure it's just kids being kids and dismiss it. If you don't assert, what's really going on and tell them how it affecting you, it will continue.

Just as I said, in the other post, I will say to you; Try to speak with your parents and you must let them know about it all. You must make them understand, just how bad this is. If you feel you can't do that, the next time your brother starts, you tell him, you are going to call the police. You tell him, if he comes near you again, you will call the police. Pick up the phone and maybe he'll stop.

I feel because of the nature of this, that you should print the posts out and give them to your parents. If you can't do that, email the links, so they can read them. Here's the links, you copy and paste them in the email. Just say, please read;

http://goauntb.blogspot.com/2007/07/revisited-zero-tolerance-for-violence.html

http://goauntb.blogspot.com/2007/06/no-tolerance.html

If you feel that distant, from your parents, that you feel you can't send them these posts or talk to them, you can at least tell your brother that you will call the police. If he hurts you again, make the call. It is illegal, for him to lay one finger on you. Remember that. The police will address the issue.

You've got to realize that no matter how bad you can't see it, you always have choices. They are there, you must trust that they are there and look for them.

The first choice is to stop crying about this. Dry your eyes, sit up and say, "I'm not going to be a victim here, anymore." Don't be afraid to tell your parents, how serious this is. The second choice is to take action. Follow through and call the police. I doubt seriously, they would take him away but it would possibly scare the crap out of him.

You said, "I want to tell someone but am afraid." Afraid of what? My dear, you are setting yourself up, in the future, to be the kind of woman that suffers in silence, when her husband beats her. You can't see this but I can. Been there, done that. It has to be Zero Tolerance for Violence. He does not have the right and should never lay a finger on you. It is wrong, it is illegal and you'd be doing him a favor, if you stop his behavior, now! Think of it as an Intervention.

Stop allowing this. Stop being a Victim. Take Action!

Men Are Not Mind Readers

This was sent to Aunt Babz via email... Post Update- I'd answered a letter from this young lady, here; Words to Live By and she emailed me again, basically, with an update of her situation and an additional question;

Aunt Babz,

Thank you so much for the advice and the new perspective on things... your right, I really didn't consider some of those things... but also on other terms things have changed since i wrote you that email... He did break up with his girlfriend because his true feelings weren't for her they were/ are now for me. He never asked me to hang out with him until they broke up and our relationship has definitely changed a bit since then also. But i still dont know what to think i suppose.. One day he's telling me that I have him hooked and how wonderful I am and the next it doesnt seem that he's talking to me.. It's like a roller coaster i suppose that I really shouldn't be on.. and I guess that as much as I like him maybe I should get out while i'm still ahead and before i get hurt. But the other part of me is wondering if he told me how he really feels but that I just need to give him time and space because he is just getting out of a relationship... again still a bit confusing.... but starting to get it. If you wouldnt mind giving me your feed back on the situation one last time I think I would really like that.. Your a big help. Thank you so much!

Sincerely,

Tiffany

Dear Tiffany,

It's good to hear from you and it's even better to hear that things just might work out. I like the fact that he stepped away from her, the ex girlfriend. Even if we're worried, that we'll hurt someone we care for, honesty is always the best policy. In turn, as I stated in the last post, we must treat others, as we want to be treated, right?

You said, "I guess that as much as I like him maybe I should get out while i'm still ahead and before i get hurt." Now, I want you to look at those words. They speak volumes to me. Why did you say them? Do you have a gut feeling, on this? My point is to always listen to your gut feelings. I call it, the "Small Still Voice." I believe it is the Spirit, speaking to me. We need to listen, when the Spirit speaks. I don't know how many times, in my life, when I heard it but shook my head, didn't listen and went on. It usually turned out badly.

We don't need to over analyze this or your words. I only wrote that for future reference, something to think about and more words to live by.

It is true, he's just stepped out of a relationship. He may have a little trepidation, as to stepping, full throttle, into another. I think the best thing you can do, is give him his space and hopefully, he'll meet you in the middle, sooner than later. By giving him space, he can sort things out, you won't be hounding him and it also serves to give you time, to look and listen, observe and watch how things culminate. The more safe distance, you allow yourself, the less likely you will to be hurt. If and when he's ready, he'll pull you in the middle. He won't feel you've pressured him and he can't think or say, you nagged him about things, right?

Give it a minute, for his heels to cool from the last endeavor. After a small grace period, if you will, you then ask him to define your relationship. If you feel he's still being distant, you need to say so. As I said, give him a minute to adjust and be understanding. beyond that, don't you dare settle for not knowing where you stand.

Nothing is worse than a nagging woman, remember this. But never allow yourself to not say how you feel. Never be afraid to ask him to sum things up. Yes, it takes two to Tango but we all have a right to be happy. If he's not there for you, you must always give your partner, that chance to look at things. Quite often, we feel they should know how we feel. But honestly, men are not mind readers, the lack a bit in the intuition, assessment and catching on department. So, give him some time and then tell him how you feel.